anonymous asked:

Tifp because the ceo visited at my work and told me that i'm doing a great job and he can really trust me with everything! When it comes to him every good word is super important cause usually it's hard to satisfy and impress him

You’ve impressed the people at the top! That’s verrrrry impressive! Congratulations! 

The boss walked into the office.
“Hey, Phil, can you do me a favor?” he asked. The boss sat down in front of Phil’s desk.
“Sure, what’s the favor?” Phil was eager to gain favor by doing favors.
“It’s just that there’s this darn spider in the building. Real nasty one. HR prevents a boss like me from killing anything (and I mean anything, not a bug, not a mouse, not even a human, ha ha), so I was wondering if you could do the deed.” The boss pulled out a pack of gum. “Gum?”
“Yeah,” said Phil, “that’s gum alright. Boss, I don’t know. A spider, sure, but a nasty one? What are we talking?”
The boss threw the pack of gum away without ever opening it. Big pack too. 100 sticks. Meant for the military. “It’s tall, Phil.”
“Tall? How tall?”
“About yay-high.”
“Yay-high?”
“Yeah! When I first saw it I wasn’t sure if it was a spider or an intern (ha ha). But I checked with the head of interns and she said it wasn’t one of hers. Wish I could check with the head of spiders to confirm fully (ha ha ha), but I can’t do that.”
“I don’t know, boss…”
“Phil, I didn’t want to have to do this…but the CEO just told me we’re gonna have to make cutbacks soon. Nobody’s buying shrimp anymore. I have to let go 20 people at this branch…if you get what I mean.”
“If I don’t kill this spider, I’m fired?”
“Your words, not mine. But they’re good words, that I fully endorse. (Where’s my big endorsement deal? Ha ha. Ya know Tiger Woods gets $50 every time someone says the word “Nike”? Oh, there I go. Just gave him a fifty!) So Phil? We got a deal?”
Before Phil could reply the nasty spider crept up behind the boss. Phil’s eyes gave it away.
The boss squirmed in his seat. “It’s right behind me, isn’t it?
Phil nodded.
The boss gulped. “Tell my wife I loved her. And that I was gay. And so didn’t really love her.”
Phil nodded.
The boss nodded.
The spider didn’t understand, but it nodded too. Seemed like the thing to do.