joan and adam

Who Should You Fight: The Bright Sessions Edition

(idk if someones made this already BUT)

Dr. Bright

Chance of winning: 40%

Homegirl’s a doctor, not a fighter, and im pretty sure theres something in the Hippocratic oath about “do no harm”, but is it for therapists? see rating. She could possibly psychoanalyze her way around you and maybe manipulae you for her own goals, and she’s been taking yoga classes so she’s probably really flexible. If youre fit, go for it. 

Sam 

Chance of winning: ???

She’d probably get so anxious that she’d time travel and where would that leave you? Alone and with no one to fight. In any case, why would you ever??? Let her rest, she’s been through enough. 

Chloe 

Chance of winning: 0%

Listen. She’s a telepath, she knows youre next move before even you do. You can say “oh shes just an art student!!” all you want but consider: she’s a sculptor and can probably take your eye out with a scoring tool. Do not attempt. 

Caleb

Chance of winning: 10%

Dude’s a football player, so he’s pretty darn ripped, and probably fast too. Can literally sense fear, will use that to his advantage. Only attempt of you want a challenge. 

Adam

Chance of winning: 90%, but at what cost?

This child is an emo wreck and will end up crying on the floor if you hit him, which is not fun for anyone. Also, his boyfriend will 100% beat you up for it, so theres that. And I will also beat you up. Leave this boy alone. 

Damien

Chance of winning: 0%

listen I know what the rating says, and we all know why its like that but please, p l e a s e fight Damien, everyone will cheer you on. You’ll fail but it will be glorious. Fight Damien. 

Mark

Chance of winning: 50%

He seems like a pretty normal guy? that rating goes up or down depending on what atypical he’s near, but in a fair one on one throwdown? average joe. Go for it for a fun time, he’ll probably take you out for ice cream and a beer afterwards. 

 Agent Green 

Chance of winning: 99%

PLEase fight him it will be easy and hilarious. The guy is a bureaucrat and needs to file forms in triplicate to get authorization to throw down, so time is on your side. Fight Agent Green. 

Wadsworth

Chance of winning: 0%

Don’t do it. 

  • Caleb: do you ever get so annoyed at everything that you start to get pissed off at even little things like a spoon clinking against a bowl or sounds of people talking?
  • Adam: I think it’s called sensory overload it’s really common in people with anxiety
  • Dr. B: It can also be a result of sleep deprivation, stress, or even dehydration
  • Caleb: Thanks, I thought I was just a bitch

Damien had better not be planning to manipulate Caleb and Adam to get to Wadsworth! Oh my god this had better not be kidnapping plot 2.0.

That human dumpster fire does not deserve to be near those boys!

It’s the only thing I can think of though, since he was there when Mark blurted out that Caleb is dating Wadsworth’s nephew.

Stay away from those Cinnamon Bun Boys Damien!