jmovie: first love

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him because it meant finally breathing after holding my breath a minute too long. Because it meant coming back to life with energy bursting through my veins the moment he touches my skin. Because it meant waking up from an endless dream. Because the feeling of his lips pressed against mine could change my world and make everything brighter, louder, faster and alive.
—  written by:
I’m happy now. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that you will never love me the way I loved you. You never did and you never will. I spent a year saying that you left me but I realize now that you weren’t there in the first place. I understand that I’ll have to live out my entire life to say this with any validity, but as far as I know right now, you are the love of my life. You always will be and there’s no getting over you. There will always be those songs that remind me of us, or what I thought was “us.” Those nights I fell asleep thinking of you with either butterflies in my stomach or tears staining my pillowcase will always mean something. You will always mean something. And yes I love him, but no, not the way I loved you. After all, I loved you with my entire heart and I’m just loving him with what’s left. You were my first love as well as one of my best friends and you’ve come and gone. But I’m okay with that.
—  I never had a chance

At the age of 16 I met a boy. I guess you could say I fell for his honey eyes and poisonous lips. I fell in love with the way he looked at me like in the movies and how time seemed to stop for us two. Nothing moved. No sounds were made. Almost like the universe was ours. I saw a silver lining in his eyes. Hope. Maybe faith. This was it. This was the one I’ve been waiting for all my life. I wanted a teenage romance and here he was. My teenage, knight and shining armor. All was well…that night

At 17, just the mention of his name made my heart stopped. Little did I know in that moment, it was just that moment. Now, a faded little memory. He would simply walk in the room and I start to feel my body shake, my throat tighten, tears forming in my eyes. He’s smiling, living his life. Moving on from what “could have been.” He doesn’t seem to care what I have been through. He ruined me yet he acts like nothing ever happened. That I never mattered. I had to watch him love another girl.

18, I’m trying to find my silver lining. I once thought I saw a spark of it in his devil eyes. I can’t find the strength to move on, although I know I have to. All he ever did was hurt me more than he ever made me smile. I’m lacking hope. He took everything away from me the moment he walked away.

—  I’m still trying to find my sliver lining
Someday you’ll see her, and she’ll look absolutely gorgeous, you’ve never noticed how beautiful she really was, and you’re going to want her more than anything. But you’ll never have her because you gave up on her, like everyone else did. And she finally moved on, after hundreds of endless nights drowning in her own tears. So someday, when she’s walking away hand in hand with another man who treats her so much better than you had, remember that maybe you should have appreciated her when you had her, because in what seems like just moments she’ll be gone. And you will never have her back.
—  written by:
But first love is not only love. It’s not the best love, or the last love. First love is first, and it’s wonderful and amazing and new, but first is not synonymous with forever. And first is definitely not connected, whatsoever, to final. It’s called your first love because it’s just that — your first. Not your last.

- Elissa Sanci

I didn’t say ‘I love you’ to hear it back.
I said it to make sure you knew.

I’ve been deep in love with someone one day and the next day, without warning, they are gone. And I don’t think anyone ever hurt me worse. And that’s actually calming, knowing that I survived, what’s been the worst situation for me so far.