jk have fun guys

Rumor Mill Ch. 4

Summary: Constantly bullied for being gay, Phil has no one, until misunderstood bad boy Dan befriends him and they start an unlikely relationship that everyone considers doomed

A/N: Hey howdy ho homeshits! Wowowow you guys are awesome, I got a great response so I’m giving you ch. 4 early! I hope you like it idk if I love it as much as chapter 3 but I did enjoy writing it. P.S there’s smut in this chapter yo have fun you sickos (jk ily guys so much)

Genre: idk highschool au? smut in later chapters and lots of fluff, certainly some angst thrown in there. BAMF!Dan, Nerd!Phil, Dom!Dan (sorry idk)

Warnings: Homophobia, bullying, alcoholism, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, swearing, smut the smut

POV: First person, Dan and Phil

Read these first if you haven’t already:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Before I met Dan, when I was alone, I would set up the camera my parents had scraped together for me last Christmas and just talk. Sometimes I would make little mock music videos, sometimes sketches. Or I would just talk. About anything. Pokemon, my day at school, a holiday I went on recently. In most cases, I would scrap the videos, and not let them see the light of day. But, in some rare cases, when I was extra proud and extra confident, I would upload it online. Not many people really watched the videos, since I was practically a nobody and video blogging isn’t exactly a big thing. But really, it was those videos, that comment section, that kept me alive. Young adolescent girls swooning over an older teenager with emo hair maybe wasn’t the best source of self esteem, but I took what I could get. They didn’t need to know I’m a flaming homosexual. Not yet, at least. 

I’m sitting, editing a video I know might not make the cut, when my phone buzzes with a text from Dan. 

Let’s go somewhere together.

I look at the red, glowing clock on my nightstand. It’s 11 pm, and we have school tomorrow, but I feel the ghost of his lips on my neck and find myself punching out an affirmative reply before my brain can process.

Alright. Where? I only have to wait a few moments before he texts back, like he was waiting for a reply.

It’s a surprise. I’ll pick you up in a few. My heart jumps at the thought, and before I know it I’m tearing around the room for something to wear, knowing that my bare chest and sweatpants wouldn’t be sufficient. 

“Phil?” a voice calls. It’s my mum, probably wondering why it sounds like a stampede in my bedroom. The door opens and my mother, with her sandy bob cut and slightly hooked nose, steps into the room. My mother and I have a very good relationship compared to the average mother-son bond. She was the first person I came out to when I realized I was gay, and she had cried but they were happy tears, and she told me she already knew and then we had told my stepfather, Tim, together, who also took it well, and proceeded to take my mother and I to several gay pride events. They were wonderful people, in all honesty, and they weren’t around much simply because of their jobs. That was alright, considering why Dan’s parents left him alone. 

“Phil, are you going out somewhere, dear?” my mum asks softly, a twinkle in her eye. 

I can’t keep myself from grinning sheepishly as I clutch onto five shirts and a pair of skinny jeans. “Yes,” I say. A broad smile slips onto Mum’s face as her fingers begin to tap the doorframe. “Mum,” I begin, taking in a breath, preparing to say something I hadn’t even whispered to myself. “I think I might have a boyfriend.” 

Mum tries to contain her excitement but can’t help rushing forward to hug me as the questions flood out. “What’s his name? Will I get to meet him? Where are you going? How did you meet? For Christ’s sake, what’s he like?” I’m laughing, but not at her eagerness but instead with her, a laugh of release and relief, because as soon as the words escaped my mouth I knew they were true. 

“If you let me get changed, you can meet him when he picks me up. Deal?” I compromise as she pecks my cheek in joy. 

She pats my arm. “Deal.” She rushes out the door and closes it, but I can hear her shout, “Tim! Phil’s got a boyfriend!” Tim, in return, cheers loudly and my face goes red but I can’t stop smiling either. 

I decide to tap out a text to Dan, to warn him of the oncoming hurricane that is my parents. 

Btw I hope you don’t mind but my mom and stepdad rly want to meet you. Is that ok? 

Dan takes a minute to respond this time, and my gut starts to twist until the screen lights up with a text. 

That’s so cute :) I guess your parents really should meet your bf, yeah? I can’t wait to meet them, really.  I’m so happy at this point that I want to scream, to let energy release, because at this point I feel so elated I might very well implode and be gone forever. I somehow manage to compose an outfit, a Muse t-shirt under a blue and black plaid shirt over my blackest skinny jeans and dark blue sneakers. I run to the washroom, mussing up my hair a bit and then smoothing my fringe down. I step back and examine myself and I’m taken aback. Everytime I had looked into the mirror before, I had seen someone to despise, my number one enemy, a boy with tired blue eyes and a mouth that hardly smiled in fear the smile would be beaten out of him. But here, stood before me, is a person I hardly recognize. The person I had aspired to be all these years. My eyes are bright, my mouth won’t stop curving up, even my skin seems to glow under the dim light above the mirror.

I tear myself away from the mirror as I hear a knock at the door. Flinging the bathroom door open, I speed walk down the hall, glancing at Tim who gives me a thumbs up and my mum who mouths “You look great.” I take a breath as I open the door, attempting to be casual, but all attempts at looking cool disappear when I see Dan. He looks even more beautiful than he does at school, and maybe that’s because he dropped his rough demeanor or maybe it’s because I’m in intense puppy love with him, but either way I can’t breathe. His cockeyed smile greets me and is poised above a dark grey coat he’s burrowed down into, black jeans that match my own and a pair of black converse. I realize I’m not saying anything and blush, giving him a small wave, turning a gesturing inside. “Come on in for a minute,” I say. Dan nods and steps past me, gently placing his arm around my shoulders and bringing me back inside with him. His eyes fall on my parents and his smile broadens. 

“You must be Phil’s parents!” Dan says in a friendly voice. “I’m Dan Howell.” He steps forward and shakes hands with Tim, but my mother pulls him into a hug. 

“Oh, we are so glad to meet you, Dan. When Phil told us he might have a— well, we were ecstatic,” Mum says unreservedly.

“Mum!” I say sheepishly, but Dan’s smile only grows. He turns and draws me back into his arms, kissing the side of my head delicately. 

“Well, thank you for allowing me to date your son. It’s an honor, truly, and I couldn’t be happier,” Dan says, squeezing my shoulder. I slap his chest jokingly, but I can’t stop the smile that pushes its way onto my lips. 

“Well, you two seem to fit very well together,” Tim says placing an arm around my mum, mirroring our movements. “You should get going before it’s too late, though.”  

“Of course!” he looks down at me. “Shall we go, Phil?” I nod to him and his arm slips from my shoulder and, instead, his hand latches tightly onto mine, leading me out my door. He lets out a breath I didn’t know he was holding as the door swings shut behind us. 

“You okay?” I ask, the hint of a smile still on my lips. He nods to me, chuckling a little bit.

“I’ve never met parents before. That was a first.” His grip tightens subtley on my hand as his eyes widen a little bit. “Do you think they liked me? Did I do alright? Oh god, Phil, I really wanted them to like—” I stop him with a short kiss on the lips, and then I grin up at him. I’m sure my adoration must be apparent in my eyes, and Dan’s nervous expression softens. 

“They loved you. Who couldn’t?” I say quietly. Dan hums in response, but his smile is satisfactory enough. This is one of the rare occasions that I am taller than him, in which he is standing on the pavement and I am still standing on my door step, a couple inches elevated. He is still holding my hand and he looks up at me with a mischievous glint in his eye, flicking his head to a car parked in the street, wordlessly asking me to come with him. We traipse over to the black Audi I assume he borrowed from his parents, and he follows me to the passenger door, opening it for me. I push his arm a little, making a half-joking comment about what a corny fuckboy he is, and he just laughs and agrees, shutting the door softly behind me and shuffling around to the drivers seat. 

The moon is almost full, and the stars are bold, shining as if they know how happy I am. The stars always seem to reflect my emotions, although it’s probably just my mind craving some mysterious divine power it will never have. 

In the night sky, Dan is breathtaking, like he thrives under the moonlight and as he slides into the seat next to me and takes my hand once again, I could cry with the beauty of the moment, but I know that would most certainly ruin it. 

“Where are we going?” I ask absently, craving conversation. Dan smiles at the road as he starts up the car and plants a few kisses on my knuckles.

“Somewhere you’ve probably been before.” He leaves it at that, staring sweetly into my eyes, and I like to think I hear his breath hitch before he shakes himself out of his trance and whispers, “You are the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen, Phil, you know that?" 

I shake my head, my hair falling into my eyes and Dan chuckles as he shifts the car into drive and coasts forward, picking up speed. We’re headed toward the city, that much I can tell, and I’m buzzing with the mystery of the situation, high on pure curiosity.

"Of course you don’t. It’s true, though. I’ve been with so many people Phil, and I like you so much it scares me. Legitimately terrifies me. I’ve never been one to pursue, Phil, but I’m pursuing you, and I’m still trying to figure out why. Do you have any idea?” Dan asks me, and his question catches me off guard. 

"Well,” I begin, and then I stop, unsure of how to continue. “We accept the love we think we deserve, and when we finally find the person we truly deserve, it’s overwhelming, because it’s hard to jump from settling to reaching.”

Dan smirks. “Phil Lester, did you just quote The Perks of Being a Wallflower?” 

I blush a little, and retort, “Maybe, but you recognized it, so it looks like we’re both caught red-handed.”

Dan raises our intertwined hands in mock-defense and says, “Hey, it was a damn good book. It even made me cry.”  

I giggle. Here was rebel, bad boy Dan Howell admitting he cried reading a female-targeted drama novel, to me of all people, and I can’t resist asking, “Dan, did you crying during The Fault in Our Stars?”

He doesn’t respond, only coughs loudly and keeps his eyes on the road, but his slight blush and sheepish smile betray him. 

I’m grinning, staring at him with obvious affection. “That’s adorable,” I say, turning back to face the road. 

“Phil Lester, I am not adorable,” Dan says with smile that doesn’t match his words. “I smoke two packs a day and sell cocaine to losers in back alleys, remember? Hardly adorable. It’s almost blasphemous to insinuate such a thing.” 

"All those big words and empty rumors be damned. You, Dan Howell, are fucking adorable, and don’t you forget it.” Dan’s smile just broadens as we glide to a stop at a traffic light, and he leans over to kiss me lightly. We both smile into the kiss and laugh when a horn sounds behind us as the light clicks green, and we’re rolling forward again.

Our journey doesn’t take much longer, and we park in an empty lot near the center of the city. He tells me to wait there as he walks around the car to open the door for me. 

“You’re ridiculous,” I say when I duck out of the car. 

“Yeah,” he responds, taking my hand again. “Get used to it.” From where we where going, I deduced he was taking me to Picadilly Gardens to ride the Manchester Eye. I had gone many times with my parents, but I remind myself Dan is new to the area, so I stay quiet. It’s a very slow night, and virtually nobody is in line to ride, and when we approach the operator, he waves us on. 

“Free of charge,” the man says in a thick northern accent. Dan protests, digging in his pocket for the money, but the man shakes his head. “For a young couple like you, brave enough to be out here in the open, it’s free of charge.” Dan begins to contradict him again, but I interrupt, thanking him for his kindness and pulling Dan into the waiting gondola.

“If he wants to give us a free ride for being a gay couple, let him,” I say quietly as I tuck my head into the crook of Dan’s neck and Dan folds his arms around me in return. The air is filled with the sound of the recorded tour guide’s voice, but all I can focus on is the light kisses Dan peppers down my head, pulling me onto his lap and gently kissing my neck and ear. His arms are wrapped around my waist as he whispers little things to me, making me blush with each syllable.

“Never change yourself, Phil. You’re perfect. Positively perfect,” Dan breathes. “I need you here, in my life. Don’t leave. You’re my escape route. You’re my way out. You’re my sun, Phil. You’re my sky, and my wind, and my earth, and I would just be a spot of gelatinous matter floating in oblivion without you.” Everything he says is so sudden, not like anything I expected to hear on my first date. But here I was, sat on the lap of the boy I had obsessed over for months, being told I’m his very universe, and I’m still not sure why. I don’t understand it, and I don’t want to understand it, because then I know I’ll overthink it. And I want this moment to last eternally, because I know when I go home tonight I will relive every touch, every word, and everything will be replayed in my dream, but the feelings will be missing, and right now everything is so alive. Everything is warm and electric, and his words send a welcome cold down my spine. Everything is raw, uncut, unedited, and I realize that’s how life is supposed to be. So I turn to Dan and whisper back my exact feelings. 

“You, Daniel Howell, make me feel completely alive.”

His lips are on mine, and my hand is on his jaw, my thumb rubbing lightly against his cheek. He shifts me so I’m facing him, sideways on his lap, and kisses me like there’s not another person in the world. Because to Dan, there isn’t. He said so. The world around him isn’t his home. am. I’m his home, and that puts my heart in a little panic because I’ve never been so responsible for someone’s happiness, and I’ve never feltso animated, so sentient, and I wonder if Dan is feeling all the same emotions and if he’s on the verge of tears too, because I can feel my eyes clouding over, even with them closed in reverence of our kisses, and I don’t know if I can choke down my sobs this time. The kisses aren’t quite sweet, but they aren’t quite sultry, and they classify as somewhere in between, kisses without an ulterior motive, kisses that are just meant to be kisses. There was no pain or comfort behind them, no sex drive or lust. They were simply right, ripe, in the moment necessary, because what else do you do when your whole world is holding you tight and planting his lips on your neck, handicapping your ability to breathe or think? You kiss them. You kiss them until they are breathless. And that’s what we do, his hands lazily drifting over my body and my arms indolently draped over his neck, and we don’t stop until we feel the wheel halt and we force ourselves to untangle and exit, still hand-in-hand they way we entered. The operator tips his hat to us with a smile, and we smile genuinely back, calling out thank yous and goodbyes, giggling when we realize he certainly saw us all cuddled up with no space left unclosed. 

We continue to steal kisses on the walk back to his car; quick, sweet ones in the middle of the pavement; long, hair ruffling ones against alleyway walls; awed, meticulous ones in the purity of the cold night air. We’re kissing when we reach his car, and he throws open the back door and pushes me down onto the seat, falling on top of me into our impious kiss, catching the door with his foot and slamming it closed, a feat I never could have accomplished. His arms holding him up on either side of me, the only noise is our heavy, deep breaths and, as he begins to shamelessly grind down into me, moans. My hands rub along his waist, collecting every detail and returning changed appendages. He’s between my legs, his hips endlessly connecting with mine and I gasp, needing more friction, and he seems to understand right away as he unbuttons my jeans without even a glance and slides his hand down to palm the obvious bulge in my boxers. 

“Holy shit, Phil, you’re huge,” Dan nearly gasps. 

"Am I?” I answer, flustered with his lips still on mine. “I haven’t—” I gasp as he pulls my jeans down further, and along with them my boxers, and I try to finish my sentence. “I haven’t had much to compare it to.” Dan laughs at that, trying hard to stop as he continues to kiss me voraciously, resolving to move his fervent lips to my neck as he wraps his hand around my length. He pauses, lifting his head and looking into my eyes for permission. I nod and gasp in response as his hand shifts slightly, and he smirks and resumes biting into my neck, slowly pumping his hand up and down as I try desperately not to buck up into his fingers. 

“Shit. Fuck. Shit,” I whisper loudly, biting down on my lip and digging my nails into Dan’s back. I let out a strangled moan as his thumb passes over my slit. “Dan I— I’m gonna— Shit— I’m gonna—”

"Come for me Phil, come on, go ahead. I want to hear you come." 

"Oh my god, Dan. Dan, I’m—” He bites down on my pulse point, just under my jaw and thumbs over my slit once more, and I’m pushed over the edge. I let out a choked half-moan half-scream, breathing Dan’s name along with it. He continues to stroke me until I’ve rode out my orgasm, and I can’t stop the tears that form this time. Dan notices the glistening tracks down my cheeks and kisses them away, suddenly worried.

"I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asks gently, wiping the tears once more with is thumb.

“No, absolutely not, Dan, that just felt so good.” Dan doesn’t question me any further, simply kisses my cheek sweetly and sits back on his knees to let me redress. 

“I should get you home, it’s—” Dan pulls his phone from his pocket and it lights up, illuminating his face in a colder, harsher light than the moon has for the past hour. “Oh, shit, Phil, it’s almost 12:30 am. I should really get you home.” I nod in agreement and he opens the door, climbing out and giving me a hand to balance on. We slide into our respective seats and he starts the car, pulling out of the lot and beginning our trek home. 

"Dan,” I say as we finally pull back into the curb by my house. 

He scoops my hand back up. “Yes, love?” he asks gently, absently pulling my sleeve up and kissing down my forearm, along my healing cuts.

“Are we really boyfriends? Officially? Like, a real thing?” I ask, biting down on my tongue as I cringe at how needy I sound. 

“We are really boyfriends,” he says, kissing my hand. “Officially.” He leans over and kisses my cheek. “Like, a real, actual thing.” His lips press against mine again, putting my unease to rest. 

I let out a sigh of relief, squeezing his hand and popping the door open, turning to kiss him once more before we say goodbye and he pulls away, leaving me feeling cold and hollow. 

I’m back inside, stripping down to sleep and trying not to wake my parents when I get another text from him. 

You’re right, we accept the love we think we deserve. I definitely don’t deserve you, but I’ll pursue until I do. goodnight, Phil. 

I don’t answer, knowing he didn’t expect a response, and fall onto my bed, slipping into murky, dull sleep.

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