jin mishima

I’m about to go to sleep so this is funnier than it should be to me but I am trying to recall all of the times the Mishima family has attempted to murder one another unsuccessfully through the entire series. If I forget one fill in the blanks because it’s too damn funny. I teeter off and just start talking about characters at the end.

Hiehachi throws Kazuya off a cliff at the age of 12, I think it’s 12. Kazuya pledges his soul to the Devil because apparently Satan had nothing better to do for all eternity than be locked in to this dumb-ass ego battle.

Kazuya grows up to throw Heihachi back, this is the last time we see him genuinely smile and not his Mishima Smirk ™

Lee may or may not have tried to murder Kazuya and Heihachi but then helps one (Kaz) maybe? I’m tired, this part is fuzzy for me.

Jun gets her vagina murdered by Kaz, Jin is born angry.

Jin forsakes his Mishima name and uses his mom’s instead since he was a mama’s boy. Also turns out to have Devil energy. (D-Gene or whatever.)

Jin throws Heihachi through a billion year old stone temple wall by his bald-ass head and flies off. Heihachi still lives.

Mishima Zaibatsu is just a bunch of killers. Heihachi’s squad all got murked by Kaz, Jin, fucking Yoshimitsu, and maybe Nina.

“Heihachi Mishima *dramatic pause* is dead.”

A video showing Heihachi being blown into a river or something by explosions plays while Raven is like “This will definitely work.”

Heihachi is alive.

Jin’s old flaming pants get murdered for a flaming hoodie/jacket thing.

He eventually grows up and wears dress clothes to attempt to destroy his Satan father like any self-respecting adult would.

Bryan Fury has had an incurable disease since Tekken 3. We’re on 7 now. I don’t remember specifics and don’t tell me, I wanna just assume he can use his unblockable to get out of anything.

King 1 is dead because Ogre, but King 2 replaces King 1 and then King 3 replaces King 2 so King 2 becomes armored King but does a move only he and King 1 know and that makes King 3 go “Oh shit that’s King 2!” but then King 2 is killed by Craig on accident then is alive as armored King again and King 3 is the friend of Craig since it was all just a big misunderstanding?

Nina and Anna stay fighting. Nina kicks Anna in her whole entire back.

Eddy Gordo is a Brazilian hitman who runs an orphanage with Christie’s grandfather and he has a heart of gold but can’t for the life of him just sit down and talk to Christie at all. Currently may or may not be murdering.

Despite looking like the physical embodiment of menstrual cramps, Yoshimitsu is a good guy, Kuninitsu is a bad/evil-ish neutral guy who can’t seem to steal a sword from a dude who can dislodge his wrist and fly away using a sword. I wonder why .

Mokujin’s whole story revolves around him not being murdered by his big-tittied and much stronger wife. They are magical trees.

Gon is stuck in an infinite loop on Jurassic island just partying and flying with seagulls.

I am falling asleep. This is still funny though.

The signs as Tekken characters
  • Aries: Lars Alexandersson
  • Taurus: King
  • Gemini: Asuka Kazama
  • Cancer: Zalfina
  • Leo: Kazuya Mishima
  • Virgo: Jin Kazama
  • Libra: Hwoarang
  • Scorpio: Christie Monteiro
  • Sagittarius: Raven
  • Capricorn: Julia Chang
  • Aquarius: Alisa Bosconovitch
  • Pisces: Lili Rochefort

The “I have completely forgotten how to play Xiaoyu” Blues