should i fight this guitarist?

angus young

  • should i fight?: no
  • chance of winning: 20%
  • i assume you will immediately be tempted to fight angus, because well, there’s just something about the overall aesthetic of ac/dc that makes you go ‘let me fight all of them’. but don’t fight angus young man. have you seen that dude on stage? at the very least you’ll tire before he does, and then he can take you down. don’t do it dude.

bb king

  • should i fight?: no
  • chance of winning: 74%
  • like idk, you could probably take him. but the mere concept of hurting bb king would be like trying to fight the mona lisa, or the entirety of the smithsonian. bb king is a precious national treasure and even if you did win, you’d still lose.

bruce springsteen

  • should i fight?: maybe
  • chance of winning: -2%
  • did you wake up today and go, “i wanna make the biggest mistake of my life”? if you did, i highly suggest fighting bruce springsteen. if you didn’t, then maybe leave the boss alone. like honestly, if the aura of new jersey that radiates off of him wasn’t enough to stop you, have you seen that man’s arms? plus honestly the entire state of new jersey might also fight you, and that’s not a fight uou want. leave springsteen alone.

carlos santana

  • should i fight?: no
  • chance of winning: 15%
  • you choose to fight santana, you learn immediately that this is a mistake. why? because he lulls you to sleep with a beautiful melody and then leaves you stranded in the middle of the desert, which– somehow– fits perfectly with the song he played to get you there. you want to be angry but it was to beautiful for you to be. you respect him.

david gilmour

  • should i fight?: yes
  • chance of winning: 88%
  • david gilmour stands no chance against you. honestly, he doesn’t. like, if he and roger could get along for a few minutes and tag team against you, maybe he’d have a shot because roger screams in your ear for ten minutes straight and stuns you. but as it were, gilmour is by himself, and fighting him is similar to fighting a magical sprite. you knock him out in the first round.

eddie van halen

  • should i fight?: yes
  • chance of winning: 95%
  • eddie tries to use his fantastic guitar skills to win, but they only go so far. you let him finish eruption because you would never dare interrupt, and then you punch him in the stomach and he goes down. a win-win really.

eric clapton

  • should i fight?: no
  • chance of winning: 65%
  • if you challenge clapton to a battle of fisticuffs then you are absolutely going to win. however keep a guitar out of his reach at all times. go somewhere without guitars, like waffle house or hell, and make sure he does not have a tiny guitar in any of his pockets. the minute he pulls out layla as his finisher you’re fucking screwed.

frank zappa

  • should i fight?: yes
  • chance of winning: 7%
  • i’m not going to tell you not to fight frank zappa because eventually if you listen to him long enough, you’ll hit your breaking point, get a time machine, and just go back and challenge him. however he never even breaks a sweat because he just confuses the literal shit out of you, and you end up crying.

george harrison

  • should i fight?: yes
  • chance of winning: 102%
  • go back to 1967 and fight sgt. pepper-circa harrison. you’re gonna win. in fact, fight all the beatles. fucking all of them. kick their asses. you’ll feel better and so will we.

jimi hendrix

  • should i fight?: no
  • chance of winning: 10%
  • you can use your time machine for this too if you’re game. but this man lit his guitar on fire. do you understand? he lit it on fire. jimi hendrix has no time for your nonsense and will destroy you and look stunning doing it.

jimmy page

  • should i fight?: no
  • chance of winning: 35%
  • much like clapton, get page somewhere where he will not be able to access a guitar, because you’re likelihood of winning will go down 94%. also make sure he is not tag teaming with robert plant who, like waters, will scream in your ear for five minutes straight and stun you. lure page into a trap where you have the advantage and pounce.

keith richards

  • should i fight?: yes
  • chance of winning: 55%
  • you better fucking fight keith richards. if you’re reluctant, watch his interviews until you’re pumped up enough to do it. there’s a pretty even chance you a.) destroy him easily or b.) he is an immortal ethereal being that does not abide by the laws of man and he vaporizes you. what happens? we’ll see.

lindsey buckingham

  • should i fight?: yes
  • chance of winning: 2%-83%
  • yes. fight lindsey buckingham. in fact, he’ll probably start the fight and save you some effort. however, your likelihood of success depends on just what era of buckingham you are fighting here. 2015 buckingham? shouldn’t be a problem. solo buckingham? kick his ass. tusk tour buckingham? ehhhhh. rumours buckingham? you’re gonna die bruh. don’t fight rumours buckingham.


  • should i fight?: absolutely
  • chance of winning: 99%
  • fucking yes. fight slash. kick his ass. literally destroy him for all of us. do this service to your family and your country and to the world and kick slash’s ass to mars.