Cartman: Ok so objectively you shouldn’t fight him because he fed a guy his own parents over $16, but the point stands that it would be really really easy to win and he totally deserves it. Fight Cartman.
Kyle: He’s been through enough. Leave him be. Don’t fight Kyle.
Stan: He needs a reality check. You’ll probably lose the fight because of his raw power, but it will make him a better person and he will give an “I learned something today” speech over your lifeless body. Fight Stan.
Kenny: He’s dead all the time. Once more won’t kill him. He’d probably let you do it for $5. Fight Kenny.
Butters: PLEASE DON’T FIGHT BUTTERS. He’ll either go ax-crazy as Professor Chaos, or he’ll just stand there and take it. Neither is good. Don’t fight Butters.
Craig: ARE YOU CRAZY. He fought TWEEK. And held his own. Plus if you mess with him you have his boyfriend Tweek to deal with too. Just let them be gay together. Don’t fight Craig.
Tweek: ARE YOU CRAZY. He fought CRAIG. And held his own. Plus if you mess with him you have his boyfriend Craig to deal with too. Just let them be gay together. Don’t fight Tweek.
Token: He’ll probably walk away from the violence and then punch you when you’re not expecting it. Preemptively make the first move. Fight Token.
Clyde: Call him a mama’s boy and he’ll cry. Hit him and he’ll cry. Don’t hit him and he’ll cry. There’s no winning with this one. Take pity on him and buy him a donut and ask him what’s wrong. Don’t fight Clyde.
Jimmy: Jimmy will tell you bad jokes until you either hate him or love him. Either way, you’re not going to get around to fighting him. Don’t fight Jimmy.
Kevin Stoley: Ok, he seems like a BB-8, but in reality he is a Sith Lord Jar Jar. He once took over a ship using only a lightsaber. Don’t fight him if you want to keep your skin. Don’t fight Kevin.
Ike: IKE NEEDS A GOOD ASS KICKING. WHO CARES IF HE’S 3. HE’S IRRESPONSIBLE. KICK THE BABY INDEED. FIGHT IKE.
The Goth Kids: They will mail you to Scottsdale and burn down your house. Depending on which Goth kid you piss off your punishment will vary. Best case scenario…dance-off. Worst case scenerio…being turned into an emo by alien plants. Don’t fight the Goth Kids.
Bradley Biggle: Sure he’s an alien superhero who defeated Cthulhu with the power of mint and berries, yet with a satisfying, tasty crunch, but lets face it. He could use an ass kicking. Fight Bradley Biggle.
Gregory: He’ll hum La Resistance as he’s fighting you and you’ll end up having a duet. Or he’ll refer to the fight as fisticuffs and it won’t even start. You’re never going to get around to fighting Gregory.
The Mole: The Mole is the kind of kid who you’ll have a long-standing feud with but neither of you actually want to do anything about it besides curse at each other. It’s like fighting Gregory, except it’s a conscious choice. You’ll never get around to fighting the Mole, either.
Damien: He will turn you into a duck-billed platypus, set you on fire and damn you to hell, and maybe cry a little bit in the process. You don’t want to see Damien cry. He might cry acid or something. Don’t fight Damien.
Pip: He looks like a chump British kid who you can push around, but he is a dodgeball master. He will kill you and get his boyfriend to doom you to hell. Don’t fight Pip.
Wendy: She once kicked Cartman’s ass. She might play dirty. Only fight her if necessary.
Bebe: She will ruin your social life. Also if you do fight her she might get hurt which will make Clyde mad and then you’ll have to hit both of the cinnamon rolls??? Don’t fight Bebe.
Josh: I would, with great frequency, find my way into Brad’s trailer when he wasn’t there, just to see what I could do. He’d keep weird, life-affirming post-its on his mirror and I’d change them into horrible insults. Janel came to me one day and said, “We should send some sort of bouquet from Brad to Jimmy for Valentine’s Day,” and I thought, “Oh my god, that’s brilliant. Plus, I have personalized stationary, which will certainly add artistic verisimilitude.” We bought something ridiculous like three dozen roses to be delivered to Jimmy.
Bradley: I remember I had a check written for $3,000 to the guy who was editing the In Memoriam reel at the SAG Awards because I thought “How great, let’s kill Josh.” But the guy chickened out. So when I wrote my second West Wing script, Josh had to say several times on national TV, “I’m a terrible actor. I can’t act.”
• “OWUEBDKSKSUEBSKSLFNNRWKKW!!!!!!!!!!” (Can either mean “Holy fucking shit I just slithered off my bed and into a puddle of tears” or “THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE, HOLY FUCKING HELL” or maybe “THIS IS NOT OKAY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM”
• “Yes.” “No.” (See how there’s a punctuation at the end? That means we feel very strongly and have a very strict and strong opinion or thought on whatever matter and that our opinion or thought will not be shifted in any way possible)
• “ALL CAPS LIKE THIS MEANS” (We want people to notice how we have very intense feelings about *insert topic* and that we are probably giggling or squirming around in our beds or crying (probably all of the above at the same time )
•"…lower case with dots…means…“ (We are probably very irritated and you should probably run) Ex: ”…are you fucking kidding me….?“ Or ”…bitch, get the fuck out….or I swear to god your whore ass will have a size seven foot up it.“
• “❤️❤️❤️👌👌👌👌😍😍😍👏👏👏👏” (We most likely just saw a really cute pic or fan art of our OTP or saw a hot ass pic of our idol)
• “He/She is my/a smol bean,man child,dork,husband/wife,baby(s), etc!” (Basically saying that we love ‘so and so’ and that they should be protected by everything not pure and evil, and that they should be cuddled and given pancakes)
I HOPE I COVERED THE BASICS AND NOW YOU KNOW YOUR WAY AROUND A LITTLE BIT OF HOW FANGIRLS/FANBOYS WORK