jill and jim

A post for men about creepy men

I wrote a post a while back about how some people are very good at getting away with doing intentionally creepy things by passing themselves off as just ~awkward~.

Recently, I noticed a particular pattern that plays out. While creeps can be any gender, there’s a gendered pattern by which creepy men get other men to help them be creepy:

  • A guy runs over the boundaries of women constantly
  • He makes them very uncomfortable and creeped out
  • But he doesn’t do that to guys, and
  • He doesn’t talk to guys about it in an unambiguous way, and
  • When he does it in front of guys, he finds a way to make it look deniable
  • And then some women complain to a man, maybe even a man in charge who is supposed to be responsible for preventing abuse in a space
  • and he has no idea what they are talking about, since he’s never the target or witness
  • And he’s had a lot of pleasant interactions with that guy
  • So he sympathizes with him, and thinks he must mean well but be have trouble with social skills
  • And then takes no action to get him to stop or to protect women
  • And so the group stays a place that is safe for predatory men, but not for the women they target

For example:

  • Mary, Jill, and Susan: Bill, Bob’s been making all of us really uncomfortable. He’s been sitting way too close, making innuendo after everything we say, and making excuses to touch us.
  • Bill: Wow, I’m surprised to hear that. Bob’s a nice guy, but he’s a little awkward. I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it. I’m not comfortable accusing him of something so serious from my position of authority.

What went wrong here?

  • Bill assumed that, if Bob was actually doing something wrong, he would have noticed.
  • Bill didn’t think he needed to listen to the women who were telling him about Bob’s creepy actions. He didn’t take seriously the possibility that they were right. 
  • Bill assumed that women who were uncomfortable with Bob must be at fault; that they must be judging him too harshly or not understanding his awkwardness
  • Bill told women that he didn’t think that several women complaining about a guy was sufficient reason to think something was wrong
  • Bill assumed that innocently awkward men should not be confronted about inadvertantly creepy things they do, but rather women should shut up and let them be creepy

A rule of thumb for men:

  • If several women come to you saying that a man is being creepy towards them, assume that they are seeing something you aren’t
  • Listen to them about what they tell you
  • If you like the guy and have no idea what they’re talking about, that means that what he is doing is *not* innocent awkwardness.
  • If it was innocent awkwardness, he wouldn’t know how to hide it from other men
  • Men who are actually just awkward and bad at understanding boundaries also make *other men* uncomfortable
  • If a man is only making women uncomfortable but not men, that probably means he’s doing it on purpose
  • Take that possibility seriously, and listen to what women tell you about men

tl;dr If you are a man, other men in your circle who are nice to you are creepy towards women. Don’t assume that if something was wrong that you would have noticed; creepy men are good at finding the lines of what other men will tolerate. Listen to women. They know better than you do whether a man is being creepy and threatening towards women; if they think something is wrong, listen and find out why. Don’t give predatory dudes who are nice to you cover to keep hurting women.

youtube

A few Duggars arriving to the airport in one of their new planes. Super classy how Turd doesn’t lend a hand to his very pregnant wife while she exits the plane.

To me the biggest flaw with the Duggar family’s “courting” system is how it causes sexually charged couples to rush into marriage barely knowing each other due to such restricted physical activity. As a Catholic, the practice of abstinence is understandable, but the Duggar’s take that concept to an extreme. Refraining from sex in a relationship with someone you’re very attracted to is difficult enough. Could you imagine dating someone and not being able to hold hands, kiss, make out, and hug each other closely and lovingly? The only sign of affection you could do was a side hug for a few seconds? I believe it is possible to sustain from sex before marriage if both partners are really committed to their morals, but some physical activity is crucial in a relationship to build chemistry and a stronger emotional bond. Then they’re horny af and marry young barely knowing each other (not that you can really get to know someone when your little siblings are chaperoning your dates and your parents are monitoring your texts) so they can have sex and be a baby machine for the next 20 years. Jill has even said that the lack of freedom during courting caused her to have “immoral desires.” What’s most troubling is the fact that these girls aren’t teenagers, they’re fully grown women. Jessa was 21 and Jill was 23 when they were courting. Yet Jim Bob was still reading all their texts and sending the little kids to make sure they weren’t sitting too close on their dates. It just seems like he has no trust in these women.

....Take Me Back To When

Originally posted by now-s-cream

Pairing: Kirk x reader

Warnings: motherhood? Is that a warning? Lots of nostalgia

Words: 2749

A/N: Took me way longer than I intended, but here’s part 2 of “I Was Younger Then….” Thanks for sticking around and being mostly patient with me while life got in the way of pretty much everything. 

I’d love to hear any and all feedback you want to give me!! 

Part One is here if you missed it!

“I Was Younger Then….”


She groaned as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Squinting at the alarm clock, she could barely make out the numbers that told her it was far earlier than she would have liked to be up. She felt the cold sheets beside her, and sighed as she remembered that she was still alone. She stretched, turning down the noise on the baby monitor as she grabbed her robe off the chair and pulled it tight around herself. She padded down the hall to her daughter’s nursery. Picking up the baby, she rocked her, whispering comforts as she headed to the kitchen to heat up formula. Shaking her head, she noted the dinner that had been left out was untouched. Her husband hadn’t come home last night as promised. Biting back disappointment, her mind wandered into a sudden memory of years ago.

She was eight years old. She and James had pulled yet another dumb prank on his brother, and they were pressed together tightly in a closet, each of them fighting to get to the keyhole and watch everything go down. “Shhh!” She giggled, and James turned to her, shooting her a glare. She clamped her hand down over her mouth to stifle the noise and he grinned at her. The two of them had become inseparable in the three years since they’d met, and she could tell that he was close to laughing himself. A set of footsteps had them both going silent, and he took the crack in the door so she could watch through the keyhole.

Keep reading

dream confession

I had this weird dream that I was the 7th born duggar child (right in between Jinger and Joseph) and my name was Jessica Faith Duggar but Jim Bob and Michelle thought I was a sinner and hated me so they shunned me from the family and I moved away and changed my name to Faith Jessica instead and then Jana and Joy called me to come home and save them from Jim Bob and Michelle because they hated their lives and wanted to escape along with a bunch of the other kids….

I’ve been binge watching 19 kids and counting way too much lately

anonymous asked:

Who do you think are the biggest daddy girls/mommy girls and mommas boy/daddy boys in the duggar family. Like I always get he feeling Jill was a daddys girl. Jessa I see her as a mothers girl...who else do you rank as this?

That is a tough question, I think Jana, Jessa, and Jinger, prefer to be around their mom, where as Jill and JoyAnna prefer Jim Bob. I think the Boys don’t really have preference. 

Massive Book Giveaway

One book per person, US residents only, Refresh this page often and know books go fast. If you DON’T hear from me, you DID NOT win the book you want. Email me at roxane at roxanegay.com with your name, address, and the title of the book you want. Email only. PLEASE FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS! YAY BOOKS! THE REFRESHING STRATEGY MAY NOT WORK BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF EMAILS SO JUST KNOW THAT IF I WRITE YOU BACK YOU GOT A BOOK. 

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