jethelred original

actual thing i overheard

so i was stocking shelves at work

and there were these two kids in the drink aisle

probably like 11 or 12

and the one boy says to the other

“hey we should try to buy some of this sparkling grape juice. i’ll bet we get real drunk. it’s non-alcoholic!”

“what’s non-alcoholic?”

“well i don’t know what non is, but if there’s enough non in a crayon to make it toxic, it’s probably awesome”


both boys run off

  • (me out with my 2-year old)
  • Lady: Oh it's a daddy day, is it?
  • Me: Every day is.
  • Lady: Oh I'm so sorry.
  • Me: No, it's great!
  • Lady: No, I mean about your wife...
  • Me: What about her? She's working.
  • Lady: Oh. So what is it that you do?
  • Me: Pardon?
  • Lady: What do you do for a living?
  • Me: Oh, my wife is in an optician apprenticeship at the moment.
  • Lady: No, what do you do?
  • Me: I... am a full time father.
  • Lady: But how does that work?
  • Me: I take care of my children.
  • Lady: No, I mean, if your wife works all day and then comes home and cooks and cleans, that's not very fair...
  • Me: No, that wouldn't be fair. That's why I do all of the chores. Well, she does the dishes most of the time, but I do all the rest.
  • Lady: ...
  • Me: We got a Dyson DC41 Animal upright vacuum cleaner last fall and my wife has not used it once.
  • Lady: ...
  • Me: We have two cats; I had the flu last week and it was the first time in more than a year that my wife scooped the litterbox.
  • Lady: ...
  • Me: She also hasn't scrubbed a sink or a toilet in at least that long. Heck, I don't think she's cleaned a toilet since I married her!
  • Lady: But the cooking...
  • Me: Oh, I do all the real cooking. Everything she cooks comes out of a packet. And that's maybe a couple days a week.
  • Lady: ... Well I just don't know how to respond to all that. How odd.
  • Me: I'm sorry that I have a penis.