jesus why did i give in

100 Dialogue Prompts: Part 3

And we did it again, amigos! 

  1. “My sock is missing.”
  2. “I must say it can be rather therapeutic”
  3. “Shit, they spotted us. Quick, put your Obama mask on.”
  4. “You raided my village, killed my parents and slaughtered tens of innocent people. I was able to forgive you for all of that-tell myself it was in your nature. But then you did something heinous. Something beyond all possible hope of redemption. You killed my dog.”
  5. “What do you mean you accidentally assassinated the Pope!?”
  6. “I would love to give a fuck about you but sadly my last one went off to war and never returned”
  7. “If you think I’ll stop my quest for world domination for a bag of cookies, you are,,, right… Now, gimme that!”
  8. “What are you doing with that rubber duckie toy– OH DEAR GOD LORD HAVE MERCY”
  9. “I’m more afraid of myself than you.”
  10. “I already told you, there’s nothing we can do about the fights. We COULD if you stopped spoiling shows and books to everyone.”
  11. “You, my friend, are the most unnecessary when it comes to your excessively sassy attitude.”
  12. “I love you.” “…..What? OH APRIL FOOLS.”
  13. “What is this, a concert for ants???”
  14. “I made it! I’m in the list! This is being a great day since I remembered it’s a Thursday, not a Monday!”
  15. “It’s not that I don’t believe you. It’s just that, well, I’ve got a sink full of dishes and a cat to wash.”
  16. “When you said i had pretty eyes i thought you were complimenting me,not trying to buy them!”
  17. “The wolves eat tonight.”
  18. “Gee, thanks for nearly killing me because of ____!” “Listen up here, are you dead? You’d better be greateful you’re still alive tou little shit.”
  19. "When you said you could fly, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
  20. “Sarah, I love you and all but hOW ON EARTH DO YOU KEEP SENDING OUR PETS TO SPACE?!”
  21. “Look, just because you kidnapped me doesn’t mean I’m going to marry you.”
  22. “How in God’s name did you even get up there?!”
  23. “I think I misplaced my right hand”
  24. “I did it! I got into university!” “That’s great! What course?” “Uh… Would it be a bad thing if I told you that… Dark magic and villainy?”
  25. “Well, it just so happens that I have been a homeless man for three years now. That must mean I’m the chosen one!”
  26. “Have your eyes always been that colour?”
  27. “I’m going to fight the sun!”
  28. “You can’t just run around punching people you don’t like, ____!”
  29. “I’m not into that kinda thing.”
  30. “Dude why did you eat all that cake on your own?”
  31. “I just wanted to know if we could use a plastic knife”
  32. “Uhhhh, guys? Don’t hate me, but I think I just released Satan”
  33. “Well, fine… Just wait a little bit before you do something stupid.” “…”
  34. “What do you mean there’s no bacon flavored ice cream!?”
  35. “What do you mean you’re my sister? I don’t have a sister!”
  36. “Why the hell do we need a duck to hunt Bigfoot?”
  37. “Oh, so you can do pink explosions too”
  38. “This isn’t my kitchen, is it?”
  39. “Ohhh, so THAT’S what you meant by ‘shooting starts’.”
  40. “ACHOO” “bless you” “Thank you, wait a minute I live alone”
  41. “Put my creepy cat in a different room? Don’t be silly! I don’t even have a cat!”
  42. “Katie, please stop shooting me with tranquilizer darts.”
  43. “Why did you think it was a good idea to only bring a potato to this heist?”
  44. “Okay, we make this promise now - nobody look at that fucking goat ever again.”
  45. “Sarah, why is the cat naked?”
  46. “Wait. You’re aroused?”
  47. “Why would that surprise you?”
  48. “It does on account of you being covered in blood. Wipe that smile off your face. You look like a cat in heat.”
  49. “okay so let me get this straight, you’re not actually my long lost twin…” “yes.” “…because you’re me from another dimension” “…yes.”
  50. “I’m sorry, but did that thing just talk?”
  51. “I thought we promised to never speak of that incident again!”
  52. "Sweetheart”“Yes dear”“Some of your morally challenged friends are trying to kidnap me again.”“And?”“And!?”“You’re a big girl, you can take care of yourself.”“Of course I can, but the gesture would have been nice!”
  53. “how many epilepsy pills can you take before you overdose?” “Just one or two.” “I’m gonna have to call you back.”
  54. “…I was GOING to ask why there’s a pink goo all over the kitchen floor but I think that can wait whilst I ask what the FUCK IS GOING ON?”
  55. “For the last time, can you stop calling that thing 'human’”
  56. “Okay, that is a seriously dodgy looking hat-are you certain you’re right about this?”
  57. “Really Darling, you can stop trying to scream, we’ve already espablished that no one cares and it’s giving you unflattering lines on your forehead.”
  58. “_______, why am I on the ceiling?”
  59. “What the heck happened while I was at the store?
  60. "What the actual fuck!” “I did warn-” “Yes I know you said you were crazy, but this…. This is…” “Just another Tuesday. Oh we’re late for tea!” “With who?!” “With the Queen of course, who else?”
  61. “Despreate times call for cows.”
  62. “Did you burn the last piece of toast again?”
  63. “You didn’t TELL me there’d be free food!”
  64. “Did Jesus really die for this bullshit?”
  65. “Do you want the apocalypse?!! Because that’s how you get the apocalypse!!!”
  66. “Goddamit, I’m dead again aren’t I? How the hell did I do it this time?”
  67. “Dude, no.”
  68. “I may be a horrible person, but at least I am an honest one.”
  69. “I told you, I dress to kill, now fetch me my fancy stilettos, mama’s gonna slay tonight!”
  70. “I left the room for 3 minutes and you really want to tell me you started a war with every single planet?” “Well, I told you 3 months ago to not leave me alone.” “And I told you I have to use the bathroom 3 months ago!”
  71. “Wow, only took 3 minutes to destroy the world.” “Let’s see if I can do it in 2!”
  72. “So… Wh-Why- How did you flush the duck down the toilet?”
  73. “dude. i liked that carpet. do you know how hard it is to wash bloodstains out of carpets.”
  74. “Don’t worry, it’s much worse than it looks.”
  75. “What are you doing ___?” “I’m camping.” “No you’re beside tree with a blank-” “CAMPING”
  76. “WHAT THE FUCK IS A DUCKPOTATO”
  77. “PUT THE PUPPY DOWN AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!”
  78. “PLEASE DON’T HANG UP! YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE IN DANGER!”
  79. “What the hell kind of scream was that? And how did you make it?! ”
  80. “Hey, uhm… Hate to interrupt your conversation, but why the fuck is there a giraffe on the soup aisle”
  81. “You mean to tell me that somebody decided it was a good idea to cross plums and apricots, but nobody can figure out why my cat has RABBIT ears?”
  82. “Sorry but um… why is there a fox and a bear singing Ooh la la by Britney Spears on the balcony? And where is my chicken, Pudding?!”
  83. “Where did you get LIGHT-UP COMBAT BOOTS? THEY CHANGE COLOR?!”
  84. “So you’re telling me there was a genie trapped in that can of soup? And you accidentally ATE THE GENIE?!”
  85. “Listen…don’t take this the wrong way, but…I love the OTHER you better.”
  86. “Tell me why,  exactly, did you need the rubber chicken? ”
  87. “Look, I’m not a liar, alright?  And I ain’t overdramatic or hyperbolic or whatever else you wanna call me.  So when I say I would sell my soul for a pancake right now, I mean I will literally sell my soul for a pancake right now.  And maybe a million dollars.”
  88. “Wait a second, you’re telling me that….. YOU’VE BEEN DATING SATAN BEHIND MY BACK FOR FOUR WHOLE YEARS?!!!”
  89. “Well dad did say he would be gone for five days…what the hell? Let’s go to the corner store!”
  90. “Why did you buy 74 melons?!”
  91. “Where’s the toaster?” “It’s in the kitchen… Why do you have a fork?” “K, thanks.”
  92. “Death, out of all the things in this world, why are so afraid of ____?”
  93. “This floor is like my life; Cold and Hard.”
  94. “So you’re telling me that I am the only thing that is preventing a Third World War, right?” “Yeah, pretty much.”
  95. “I don’t know your name and you don’t know mine but I promise it will turn out okay.”
  96. “Little did you know, they were slowly turning into werewolves.”
  97. “Umm… I may have possibly accidentally blown up another planet”
  98. “I told you not to do that… now look, you’ve lost your hand!”
  99. “Every time you speak I literally die a little”
  100. “One baby soul please, Adult souls give me gas!”

“I need you, yes you (you should feel targeted), to come up with a new dialogue prompt for part 4 and leave it in the comments below. It’s fun and the first 100 replies will make the next list. As always, one prompt per amigo and don’t forget the doubles quotes “”. Pantoffel” (Click here for part 1 and here for part 2)

best “history of the entire world, i guess” quotes (courtesy of a huge history nerd, me)
  • and make crazy sounds with their voice. ‘gneurshk.’
  • what? you can walk over here? cool. (not anymore) well i guess we’re stuck here now
  • coming soon to a dank river valley near you
  • clop clop. it’s the people with the horses.
  • here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
  • oops china just broke
  • knock knock it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye.”
  • let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms
  • “heyyy” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast
  • is loving jesus legal yet?
  • so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods
  • they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. 
  • the king of mali is so rich he’s going on a tour to let everyone know
  • whoops half of europe just died
  • “wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack
  • “that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why” said martin luther
  • [whispering] they never got ethiopia
  • the economy’s great and probably will be great forever - just kidding.
  • look out china, there’s a new china in china
  • the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad. and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
3

throwback to that one time Spencer tried to drag Aleks into the ocean and Aleks turned into a fucking pro wrestler

I detest the idea that God has to do something good for me in order for me to be able to praise Him and love Him.
I gave Him praises yesterday and someone said, “What did He do now?”
Why do we need a reason to praise God? The answer: we don’t. God is worthy of our praises literally every moment of every day. I could be drowning in sorrows and I would still be singing His praises. I’ve done that before and I’ll continue to do so. God owes us nothing, yet He gives us everything. How much more worthy of our praises could He be?

AMERICAN GODS SENTENCE STARTERS

episode six - a murder of gods.

  • ❝ you saved me. thank you. ❞
  • ❝ you already know my name. ❞
  • ❝ what are they ?
  • ❝ oh motherfucker, you never just answer a fucking question
  • ❝ that’s not a question, ___ , a question would be: what do you believe you saw ?
  • ❝ i don’t know what i believe. ❞
  • ❝ it was a warning to me, and a sacrifice to them. ❞
  • ❝ sacrifice ? like –– like what, for –– for a god ?
  • ❝ what’s a god ? can we even know they exist ? people believe things, which means they’re real. that means we know they exist. so what came first ? gods ? or the people who believed in them ?
  • ❝ where was all this before i met you ?
  • ❝ there’s always a window. but people are frightened to look through it. it’s safer in the prison cell. ❞
  • ❝ we’re not safe now. ❞
  • ❝ who are you ?
  • ❝ i believe in some things. ❞
  • ❝ your wife obviously has a temper. not used to getting her way, huh
  • ❝ your dearly departed has departed and i suggest we should do the same. ❞
  • ❝ was she a ghost ? i mean, do you think you saw a ghost ?
  • ❝ you know, you’re not questioning any of this. i’m questioning everything right now. ❞
  • ❝ i’m not so young nor so narrow to assume the dead are dead, and there’s no spectrum or spectral in between. in my experience, the dead that aren’t rarely come back without purpose. ❞
  • ❝ her purpose was to let you go, now get in. ❞
  • ❝ now you’ve seen who’s after us, and you know what they’re capable of. you can hang around here if you want, but i’m getting out of here. ❞
  • ❝ fuck ! where the fuck is my car !
  • ❝ yes, it does belong to the dead woman, i am the dead woman. where’s my fucking car
  • ❝ first piece of luck i’ve had in days. ❞
  • ❝ worse things out tonight than you. ❞
  • ❝ isn’t she lovely ?
  • ❝ i’ve done the math. this times that equals you’re a cunt, divided by the only way i’m gonna get what i need is if you give it to me equals the only way you’re gonna give it to me is if you don’t need it. ❞
  • ❝ like my friend jesus christ, the only thing you need, ___ , is resurrection. ❞
  • ❝ did you just name drop jesus christ like you know a guy who knows a guy ?
  • ❝ i can be very convincing. ❞
  • ❝ is this you being convincing now ? because you suck at it. ❞
  • ❝ i’m trying to convince you to live. real living. not whatever rot living this is. ❞
  • ❝ why don’t you put that on your fucking scales and weigh it
  • ❝ what the fuck are you ? i mean, what the fuck are any of you, but first, tell me, what the fuck are you ? seriously, what the fuck are you ?!
  • ❝ please stop stealing my cab. ❞
  • ❝ i have been traveling in the direction of mecca for days, looking for a jinn. ❞
  • ❝ i’ll tell you where to find a whole murder of gods, demi and otherwise. every god damned one of them. ❞
  • ❝ i know a charm that can lift grief from a grieving heart. ❞
  • ❝ do you know a charm that can stop bleeding ?
  • ❝ i know a charm that can cure sickness and pain and a charm that can turn away the weapons of enemies. i know a charm that can heal with a touch. ❞
  • ❝ excuse the cold hands. ❞
  • ❝ there’s always been a god shaped hole in man’s head. trees were the first to fill it. ❞
  • ❝ mr. wood was the trees, mr. wood was the forest. see, he was a very old god who saw something very new. he saw a god fearing society turn towards complete industrialization. so what did he do ? he sacrificed his trees, he sacrificed his forest, and he became something else. ❞
  • ❝ well, at this stage it’s ‘we’ll see’, or, ‘time will tell’, but if it’ll rest your weary head, then yeah, it’s gone. ❞
  • ❝ religion inspires in those who fear nothing, fear of the gods, and using that fear requires a certain element of fucked up. ❞
  • ❝ i’m not scared of anything anymore. ❞
  • ❝ i’m scared you’re never gonna shut that flapping hole of yours. i’m sitting here having a fucking anxiety attack because i am genuinely terrified that you are never gonna shut the fuck up. ❞
  • ❝ did you kill ___ ? i won’t tell. ❞
  • ❝ my name is ___. or … it was ___. i do not know what my name is now. ❞
  • ❝ i just realized that i’m never gonna see my mother again. i’m never gonna hear her say my name again. i’m never gonna eat her cooking again. ❞
  • ❝ are you dead ?
  • ❝ this is my afterlife, ___. ❞
  • ❝ did you pray for another life
  • ❝ i do not pray to ask god for things. i pray to thank god, for bringing me where i am. to this time, to this place, where i finally know what i must do in this life. ❞
  • ❝ i pray i find ___. he is my afterlife. i knew him. we knew each other. and now i wish to know more. ❞
  • ❝ people will defend the warm safe feeling their america gives them. they will defend it with bullets. ❞
  • ❝ less a funeral than a celebration of a sacrifice. ❞
  • ❝ if i know my friend, somebody got tossed into the volcano. ❞
  • ❝ this was a human sacrifice ❞ 
  • ❝ that’s him. head of the crowd. the one they flock to. ❞
  • ❝ please, go in peace. ❞
  • ❝ what rock did you crawl out from under ?
  • ❝ playing a little hide and seek. hiding from the proverbial them, and seeking … you. ❞
  • ❝ i need you to believe in me. ❞
  • ❝ i’ve heard your name on the wind. ❞
  • ❝ we’re at war already, and we’re losing. you, me, all of us. they’re taking honey from our mouths. ❞
  • ❝ i have no use for shame. ❞
  • ❝ it’s easier to pass for the living in the dark, if i felt the need to pass. ❞
  • ❝ your heart’s not beating for this life anymore, ___. this life is done. ❞
  • ❝ that doesn’t obligate him to feel shit. ❞
  • ❝ perhaps i misjudged the kiss. ❞
  • ❝ death do us part, take the fucking hint. he’s gone. your man came, saw you, tasted death on your tongue, and he fucking left. ❞
  • ❝ your kind of love, ___, is the worst kind of love of them all. you can love somebody even when you know they don’t like it. even when you know they don’t want it. ❞
  • ❝ that’s some profound fucking knowledge for you right there, wrapped up in a quaint sexual metaphor. ❞
  • ❝ people do tend to behave if they know they’re being watched. they like being watched. ❞
  • ❝ somebody’s watching. somebody’s always watching. ❞
  • ❝ what did you do to become the god of this little universe that you’ve created ?
  • ❝ you’re no stranger to sacrifice. ❞
  • ❝ they don’t sacrifice anymore. not to me. ❞
  • ❝ you could always sacrifice yourself. you’ve done it before. ❞
  • ❝ you ever see a man hanged, ___ ? throat crushed, gasping for life. it’s a terrible way to find your faith. faith doesn’t have to leave the faithful dangling. ❞
  • ❝ you are what you worship. ❞
  • ❝ the power of fire is firepower. ❞
  • ❝ not god, but godlike. and they believe. ❞
  • ❝ god bless the believers. ❞
  • ❝ i’ll make you a blade worthy of a god. ❞
  • ❝ i know who he is, and who he’s always been. i can depend on that. ❞
  • ❝ you’re not here at the moment. you’re distracted. i wonder why. ❞
  • ❝ she’s out in the cold, but … she doesn’t feel it anymore. or maybe … maybe it’s all she feels, now. ❞
  • ❝ they make blood sacrifices to you. ❞
  • ❝ you could use a blood sacrifice. ❞
  • ❝ you sold us out. ❞
  • ❝ you saw what i was. i was a story people forgot to remember to tell. and they gave me a gun. they put power back in my hands. and i gotta tell you; it feels good. ❞
  • ❝ i never needed my religion to be moral. ❞
  • ❝ moralizing religions are materialistic ones. they all need their martyrs. ❞
  • ❝ i’m laying down a curse. i’m cursing the whole fucking thing. ❞
  • ❝ god is great. ❞
  • ❝ life is great. ❞
Respect Her

Imagine! Meant to post last night, but got tired and fell asleep before editing.

You are staring at yourself in the mirror, trying to see what Shawn sees in you. You honestly have no idea what he sees. 

He always says you’re beautiful, stunning, that you take his breath away. But you just can’t see it.

All you can see is your double chin, your puffy cheeks, wide hips, flat ass, thick thighs, flabby belly. 

The longer you stare, the worse you look. 

God this is what Shawn sees. 

“Hey Babe.” He says walking to your room. “Ready for our run?” He asks. 

You look over at him with a weak smile. 

“Babe are you okay?” He asks walking over to you, resting the back of his hand to your forehead. 

“What? I’m fine.” You push his hand away.

“You’re all sweaty, and flushed. are you feeling okay?”

“Yes Shawn I’m fine.” You giggle.

Lately you and Shawn have been going on a daily runs, but he doesn’t know that you go on two daily runs. You go for about two miles and then meet up with him, running another two with him, and sometimes you run another one. 

Just to burn those calories. 

“But.” He starts.

“I’m fine.” You say walking past him, grabbing your water bottle. 

He lets it go, but keeps a close watch on you. 

*

He catches you again, later that day, staring at yourself in the mirror. 

“Can’t stop looking at it either?” He says with a smirk. Your eyes go wide and you push his hands away as he tries to hug you from behind. He doesn’t quite catch your attitude until he goes to grab you again and this time you completely move away from him.

“Hey.” He says following you. 

“What Shawn?” You snap. He takes a step back, barely, and stares at you. 

“Whats wrong?” He asks, gaze softening. 

“I just don’t want you to touch me okay.” You say frustrated.

“Okay,” He says putting his hands up in surrender. 

“I have to go get ready for dinner.” You say going to your closet, resting your head in your hands. 

“Should we match tonight?” He asks following you, watching as you rub your eyes with the heel of your hand. “Baby?” He asks softly. “Tell me whats wrong.” 

“Just drop it.” You say looking up at him. He just stares at you. You take a breath and look at his side of the closet. “What are you gonna wear?” 

“Oh um,” He looks over and shrugs. “I don’t know, what should I wear?” He says walking a bit closer to you, slowly.

“I don’t know Shawn.” You sigh.

“I know, we’ll pick a color. Then I’ll pick your dress and you can pick my outfit out. Cute right?” He says, honestly it sounded like a lot of fun so you nodded, smiling. 

“What color?”

“You chose.”

“Um, blue?”

“Dark or light?”

“Dark.”

“Ok, you pick mine, and I’ll pick yours.” He says smiling. Instead of looking at your side he simply walked out of the room. 

“Shawn? Where are you going?” You ask, looking through his shirts.

“To pick yours out, I’ll be back.” He says, and you hear him grab his keys and then walk out. 

“Oh god.” You mumble. 

*

“Go get dressed Babe.” He said handing you a black bag. 

“Here’s yours.” You say handing him a pile of clothes you’ve folded nicely.

“This is really exciting.” He says as you start to walk away. 

You go to your room and close the door, sneaking a peak into the bag. You pull out the most amazing dark blue dress. It’s shiny and goes to about mid thigh. It’s cute and shows off some cleavage. 

But under the dress was another bag. A pink and black bag.

“Oh my god.” You mumble as you pull the Victoria Secret bag out. 

He got you a matching set of dark blue lace underwear and panties. They were pretty cute, and when you put them on, because well it was apart of his choosing, they made you feel so confident. And made you feel sexy as hell. 

You slipped the dress on and smiled at yourself in the mirror.

When was the last time I smiled looking in the mirror.

“Shawn?” You call out.

“What?”

“Straight, curled or up in a ponytail type of hair style.” Even though you knew the answer.

“Curled.” He yelled back. 

You smiled and turned your curling iron on. 

*

You opened the door and looked down, seeing a pair of heels that matched your dress. 

You smiled to yourself and slipped into the heels. 

You walked out to the front, heels clicking on the hard wood. Shawn stood up from his spot on the couch. Putting his phone in his back pocket.

“Jesus.” He breathed out as he looked at you. 

“Yeah?” You asked.

“Twirl.” He says motioning for you to twirl with his right index finger.You did as told and twirled.

“Holy fuck.” He mumbled, tugging at his curls.

“I like that shirt.” You said pointing at him.

“Yeah?” He said twirling, making you giggle.

“Yeah, shows off those badass tats.” You say as he comes closer.

“You do know this is a business dinner right?”

“Why get tattoo’s if your just gonna cover them, that’s just teasing.” You say as he smiles at you.

“Um you didn’t give me a pair of boxers, so I went commando.” He says grinning.

“You didn’t.” You say, deadpanning.

“Wanna check?” He teases.

“Kind of, yeah?” You laugh. He gulps. 

“What do you think of your outfit?” He changes the subject.

“I love it, baby you didn’t have to go out and buy me it.” You say walking into his embrace.

“I gotta spoil my girl.”

“Yeah but with a new dress, shoes, and a new set?” You say smirking.

“Well, the dress and shoes were for you. The set? That my dear is for me.”

“Thought so.” You giggle.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

*

This dinner is extremely boring for you. You have no idea what they are talking about because you zoned out about 20 minutes ago, and whenever Shawn looks at you you just smile at him. 

“I have to go to the bathroom, Y/n? Join me?” One of the other girlfriends, Nicole offers. You smile and nod. 

“Sure.”

You get up and can feel Shawn’s gaze burning on you. 

You both enter the bathroom and she goes straight for the sink.

“God I hate these dinners, their so boring.” She says washing her hands.

“Yeah, usually I just zone out. Making lists about what I need to do the next day in my head.” You confess.

“Smart.” She says smiling at you in the mirror.

Somehow the topic comes around to food, and she’s talking about what you ordered.

“Don’t you think it was a bit much?”

“Oh the price?” You ask, because you planned on covering for yourself.

“No, not the price, lord knows these boys can handle a meal of that price. I mean the amount. It’s a bit much, I mean look at you. You gotta stop eating so much.” She says eyeing your stomach. 

You stopped in your tracks. Completely taking back by what she just said. 

“Excuse me?”

“Well come on dear, its the truth and we all know it.” She says. “Shawn ain’t gonna see you as a beautiful woman if you keep gaining.” 

You were appalled. You had actually thought that you were losing some weight.

“Um.” You didn’t know how to respond.

“Don’t take offense honey, it’s life. Some are rounder than others.” She shrugged walking out of the bathroom. 

And just like that, the good mood Shawn got you into was gone. With a 30 second conversation about your meal. All those thoughts that were in your head all morning and afternoon were now screaming at you. 

You exit, not looking at yourself, and take your seat next to Shawn. Your meal had been delivered and you noticed Nicole look at you with a frown. 

You were starving, but she was right. How could you eat like this and expect to lose weight. 

So you discreetly picked at your food, not eating really anything. Shawn noticed, letting his hand rest on your thigh before you pushed it off.

“Hey.” He whispered in your ear, so no one else would hear.

“Not now.” You barely met his gaze.

“Are we back to this?” He said trying to get your attention.

“Don’t Shawn.” You sneered. 

He huffed and ordered you a box even though you told him it was okay. But you secretly thanked him because that was an expensive meal that you didn’t eat. 

*

“Care to explain what’s wrong yet?” He asked once the car doors were closed.

“Please Shawn, not right now.” You sighed.

“No, I thought I broke this. I thought I got you feeling better.” He said staring at you fiercely. 

“You did.” You whispered.

“Then what?”

“Stop.”

“Y/n tell me what is wrong? You are killing me here, I know something is up and you wont tell me. I thought we didn’t keep things from each other.”

“We don’t” You defended turning to look at him.

“Then tell me whats wrong.” He whispered, he looked so distraught. It’s now you realized how worried and concerned he is. 

Just tell him. 

“I just,” You start. “I just am having some body image issues.” 

“What?” He says in shock, not the answer he was expecting.

“I have been feeling bad about myself lately and it was really bad this morning. It was practically gone when I put this outfit on, but Nicole.” You stopped yourself.

“What did Nicole do?”

“She pretty much told me that you would no longer wanna be with me if I gained any more weight.”

“WHAT?” He said becoming angry. “That’s fucking ridiculous.”

“No it’s not Shawn, she’s right. I’m a fat piece of shit.” You say, shaking your head.

“HEY!” He shouted at you. Shocking you. “Don’t you EVER speak about MY girlfriend like that.” He warned you. 

“Shawn.” You sighed.

“No, listen to me. That hurts my feelings. I love you and you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your fucking curves kill me, I can barely keep my hands off of you. I’m not liking this ‘push Shawn’s hands away’ thing. You’re mine and I’m gonna hold you when I want to. You are beautiful, stunning, funny, a smart ass, smart, caring, compassionate, and most importantly mine.” 

“Really?” You ask, tearful.

“Come here.” He say pulling you over the console, sitting you on his lap.

“Jesus, do you know how bad you’re killing me in this dress.” He says running his hands up and down your thighs.

“No.” You mumble.

“Let’s just say, I had no idea what we were talking about at dinner because all I could think about was getting you home.” He smirks. “That dress is beautiful, but I’d rather see what you look like without it on.” 

You laugh and lightly smack his chest. 

“Stop.”

“No, you think you look fat. Ha, babe you are not fat. You aren’t even close to being fat. Like miles away from being fat.”

“But this afternoon you said ‘You staring at it to?’” 

“Yeah, how beautiful you are. I know that I can’t stop staring at it.” 

You smile and lean your head against his shoulder.

“No yeah, that makes sense.” You mumble.

“What did you think I meant?”

“My stomach.”

“Stop, you’re killing me here.” He says making you look at him. 

“I love you.”

“I love you more.” He says tucking a curl behind your ear.

“Take me home.” You say crawling back to your seat. 

“It’s about fucking time, I’ve been waiting all night to take you home.”

And just like that, everything Nicole had said vanished from your mind. All that mattered was what Shawn said. 

Give me long-term relationship level shenanigans where Keith and Lance have been together for years to the point that they’ve lived through the honeymoon phase (which was a lot of Lance mooning and Keith trying hard to not to let that adorable fucking sap make him melt in his goddamn mid-calf boots but failing miserably), the big fights (because sometimes Keith was too cold to feel how desperately Lance wanted to reach out to him, and his knee-jerk reflex was always to push push push everything and everyone away when he didn’t know what else to do, and all Lance wanted was to hold him up out of the carnage as everything fell to pieces around them), the long-distance stretches (Jesus, Lance, the galaxy was only a few quintants away and their lions had basically the best video chat service in the universe), and the real talks™ (“So, I love you, okay?” “Um, okay? I love you…. too?” “What the hell, man? Why is that a question?!” “You asked it as a question first!” “Ugh, shut your quiznak and kiss me, you asshole.” They kissed, then, “You actually did ask it as a question fir–” “Oh, fuck you, Keith.”).

Give me long-term Klance/Laith where Lance will just walk up to Keith reading on the couch and roll into his lap for the idle head massage, and Keith will very considerately wait until Lance wakes up to grumble about the giant drool spot plastering his pant leg to his thigh. Give me Keith getting worked up about something and instead of bottling the frustration up as bruises from the gladiator he rants it out to Lance, who is 100% attentive to what his boyfriend is saying but also manages to clean their room, wash the sinkful of dishes, and alphabetize all of Pidge’s “Learn Altean” book things as Keith sort of trails after him, still flailing wildly in his impassioned tirade. Give me the two of them sitting in silence as they do their respective tasks but also subtly play footsie with their socked feet under the table. Give me Lance trying desperately to stay up until Keith is finished training but ends up sprawling out on the floor and Keith has to half-drag and half-carry him to bed while Lance is sleep-delirious and paying Keith super-sweet compliments on how pretty he is and Keith’s face is a literal tomato. Give me Keith feeling so secure in their relationship that Lance works his charm on everything that moves and Keith just smirks at him knowingly and discreetly slips his hand into Lance’s so their palms are pressed together.

Just… long-term Klance/Laith being perfectly imperfect and still fighting and bickering and shit but also being the kind of tender that comes so naturally they aren’t conscious of doing anything soppy until Hunk or Pidge call them out for being an old married couple (and they think it’d be kinda cute to walk around together as old dudes with matching colour-coordinated canes in similar states of balding despite Lance’s obviously superior and less-wrinkled skin).

Nice To See You, Too (Smut)

A/N: HELLA unedited. Needy/desperate Shawn. What else is new? I had a lot of…inspiration for this. Y’all can thank @permanentguitar and @achinglyshawn.


Before you even step foot across the doorway, you knew that he was desperate for you. You made sure of that. A small grin makes its way across your face as he pulls you close to him and attaches his lips to your neck, breathing you in in the process. What started off as a simple “I miss you” escalated into Shawn telling you how much he wants his mouth on you. The funny is you weren’t even gone that long, but right now you’re not complaining.

“Nice to see you, too.” The words are meant to tease him but the way he looks at you sends an ache between your thighs that you want him to take care of.

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Daddy’s In Trouble

Author’s Note: This imagine is HEAVILY inspired by the scene shown in the gif above which is from one of my favorite movies ever, The Wolf on Wall Street. My request are open yet nobody sends me request so I guess I will only write when I’m inspired, hopefully, the more I write the more willing you guys will be to send me a request. Anyways I hope you enjoy this imagine!

Warning(s): Slight smut


You lived the good life. The real good life. The life that you fantasized about when you played with your Barbie and Ken dolls when you were younger, it was crazy to say that all of those dreams you had literally came true. You lived in one the most luxurious mansions in LA; 10 Bedrooms, 20 Bathrooms, 3 Kitchens and 40 acres of land were all at your disposal. It was a complete understatement to say that you lived a lavish lifestyle. But no matter how much money you had you refused to let I get to your head, you wanted to remain the same humbled city girl that you were before you met Luke.

You worked as a secretary for  Hemmings Enterprises for 3 years before the CEO, Mr. Luke Robert Hemmings, caught your eyes. You were working late one night, overwhelmed with work due to a printing mishap that happened earlier in the week. You were just finishing up your work and decided to run quickly to your supervisor desk to put down the files you finished working on when suddenly you bumped head first into him. Luke.Mr.Hemmings himself was staring right back at you with his blue crystal eyes and disheveled hair. You had never seen him, not in person at least but the rumors were true he was stunning. You snapped out of your initial shell shock and quickly gathered up the files in sheer panic of upsetting him, he let out a soft chuckle before kneeling down and helping you gather the files. He walked you to your supervisor’s office and out of the building, giving you a ride home to your flat. And the rest was history, Luke would always find a way to see you more and more despite your busy schedules, and when he couldn’t you could always count on some special floral or chocolate package to be placed on your desk with a sweet note from Luke.That was 7 years ago, and know you lived the life you always wanted as Mrs.Hemmings with your amazing husband and newborn daughter Reagan.


You rocked back and forth in your rocking chair, careful not to make any harsh movements to wake Reagan. Your beautiful baby girl rested her softly on your chest with her mouth slightly open, her little chest rising and falling as she slept peacefully in your arms. Once you were sure that she was sleep, you let Reagan rest in her crib and turned on her baby monitor. Putting Reagan to sleep was the only thing keeping you calm at the moment, Reagan innocence allowed you to stay calm no matter how mad you were at Luke. You glanced up at the princess clock hanging above Reagan’s room door, you let out a soft groan and shook your head. “I’ll be home in a little bit I promise, and then I’m all yours” was the last thing Luke said to you before he left early last morning for his business meeting, and here you are staring at the clock that read 12 o'clock the following day with no signs of Luke. Saying you were pissed was a complete understatement, this was the 5th time this month that Luke pulled this bullshit and you were fed up. You hated the fact that he was busy and would stay out all night doing god knows what with god knows who while you were left taking care of your cranky little girl. This was the final straw, somehow someway you were gonna make Luke pay for leaving you like this.


With a sleeping Reagan and a practically empty house, you decided to catch up on your favorite shows. In the middle of your Gossip Girl binge your phone lightly buzzed, you let out a slight groan as you grabbed it from the coffee table and squinted adjusting to the brightness of your phone. Hey, baby I’ll be home in 10 minutes, can’t wait to see my two favorite girls, Luke finally decided to text you but you were not impressed at all. You rolled your eyes and tossed your phone to the side of the couch before getting up and heading upstairs. You refused to make him think you were waiting for him to come home, you decided to head up to Reagan’s room and clean up a bit. You suddenly heard the sounds of your front door opening and Luke taking off his shoes and coat, “Babyyy I’m home”. A part of you was ecstatic that he was finally home, but anger quickly washed over you as you remember the false promises of yesterday. You sat yourself down by Reagan crib on the floor as you tossed her toys into her toy bin. “There you are babe”, Luke smiled as he walked into Reagan’s room “I called you but you didn’t answer me”. “Sorry I was busy”, you smirked at your mimicking tone, you were gonna make this boy pay. You had changed into one of Luke sheer white business shirts before you started Gossip Girl bingeing and you can see that Luke was having a hard time not taking a peek at your body. “Oh,” his voice trailed off, “Well you look amazing babe, you’re sight for sore eyes”. “Oh really?” You questioned him innocently as you unbuttoned three more buttons on the shirt giving Luke a better view of you swollen breast, “funny you say that. I would think you didn’t want to see me since you never want to come home”. You heard Luke curse under his breath as he ran his fingers through his hair, you had him exactly where you wanted him. “Shit baby I’m sorry I know I said I would be home, I just caught up with work and I ended up pulling an all nighter”, Luke continued to ramble on and on trying to explain his disappearance but you didn’t want to hear it. “ You know what baby”, you shook your head cutting him off, “I think we both deserve to relax you know. I have been so stressed and I need to feel loose so you know what I decided to do”. “What..What did you do baby..” “I decided that I need to change up my wardrobe and be more loose, so I threw all… my panties..away”, you practically whispered as you spread your legs giving Luke a view of you wet, glistening pussy. “Jesus fucking Christ”, Luke whimpered as he fell to his knee in shock, you two hadn’t been intimate since Reagan’s birth and he would be lying if he said he didn’t miss that beautiful pussy of yours. “And I also thought, why do I have to wear sweats and pants all around the house my pussy just feels so trapped. So take a good look daddy because you’re about to see a whole lot of this around the house”.You smirked as you saw Luke begin to crawl slowly over to you, completely caught up in a trance and ready to give you all the attention and pleasure you could possibly desire. “But no touching” You placed your high heel softly on his forehead, pushing him down until he lay flat on the carpet. You heard Luke let out small whimpers and groans, “(Y/N)..Baby..I’m sorry please just let me eat your pussy .. I swear I will make it up to you”. He was practically begging for it but all you could do was laugh, “Oh no Daddy, Daddy won’t be getting anything because Daddy’s in Trouble” 

who u should fight rvb freelancer version
  • York: York’s a great guy who could also probably like, rip you in half but tbh I feel like he’s that guy in the group who makes endless puns and dick jokes so, hey, punch him and then run away, lock a door behind you, and you’ll be fine. Fight York.
  • Carolina: I mean. I don’t know what show you’ve been watching, I really don’t. Jesus Horatio Christ on a popsicle don’t fight Carolina.
  • Washington: Wash has had the shittiest life ever. Of all time. Do not fight Wash give Wash chocolate and love.
  • South Dakota: True, South will rip you to tiny bitty little shreds, okay yeah but she got North killed and Theta lost and just... if you can fight South pls go for it
  • North Dakota: Why would you fight him. Why. North wants to give you a blanket and a cup of tea and talk about Grifball with you why would you fight him? Also if you did fight him he'd shoot you from three miles away. You're not nearly good enough to even get near him to actually fight him so don't bother. Don't fight North.
  • Texas: IF YOU FUCK WITH TEX YOU'LL BE ON YOUR KNEES FOR SURE
  • Maine: If you want death, then yes, fight Maine. But don't actually. Either he'd punch you once and you'd explode or he'd pick you up by the scruff of your neck and place you on a really high shelf or something. Don't fight Maine.
  • Connecticut: CONNIE IS A GOOD HUMAN BEING WHO'S TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING DON'T FUCKING FIGHT CT
  • Wyoming: Please rip his mustache off. Fight Wyoming.
  • Florida: That's like the worst idea ever ok look Florida is a chill honestly nice dude who will slather you with compliments and mean them but you will not last 0.0002 seconds in a fight with him. Nah he isn't on the leaderboard but that's probably cos he's like, way too cool for that shit okay don't fight Florida. Let Florida hug you.
  • Iowa: why would you do that that's like fighting Caboose except a Caboose who's never killed anyone okay it's like fighting Caboose's more innocent twin if that's possible DON'T FIGHT IOWA
  • Georgia: Yeah go ahead fight Georgia he seems like a dick. Also he probably sucks I mean we all know what happened to Georgia you might even win. Fight Georgia.
  • Ohio: bruh don't fight Ohio, set Ohio up with Sherry
  • Idaho: ehhhhhhhhhhh I feel like that would be a dick move. Don't fight Idaho.
  • Utah: how can you fight utah you don't even know what utah looks like
Rooftop Confessions

Note: once again from my old blog. 
Warnings: nothing but fluff, angst if u squint ur eyes and tilt ur head
masterlist


Currently you were sat next to Bucky on one of the many balconies the Stark Tower had. It was a nice place to sit and relax. There something calming about listening to the hustle and bustle of the city below while feeling a slight breeze, it was this atmosphere that you craved the most in your times of stress. Bucky and you sat in silence as both of you weren’t the biggest of talkers and perhaps that’s why you were both so drawn to each other. After a particularly loud ambulance sound that came from below, Bucky hung his head down and took a deep breath before looking up again.

“I love you, Y/N” Bucky said, breaking the comfortable silence that had surrounded the two of you.

“You don’t, uh” Bucky coughed out, “ have to say anything back.” He tried ignoring the shocked look on your face. Your heart was racing since this was a moment you were sure only existed in your dreams. Bucky took your surprise as an indication of rejection and let out a deep sigh before standing up.

“I just wanted to let you know” Bucky whispered as he closed his eyes before walking away. You hadn’t even heard anything he said after he told you he loved you due to your heart beating fast and loud in your ears.

“Shit,” you muttered when you heard the door close and finally noticed that Bucky was no longer sitting beside you. Cursing to yourself you got up and went back into the compound.

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Mark Soulmate AU

Soulmate AU where a single sentence that your soulmate has said that day appears on your arm

  • to make this easier on me you go to school with mark and hyuck
  • i decided to spare mark of an angsty scenario lmao
  • lets start boyos
  • so youre actually good friends with hyuck
  • you think youre best friends but he makes fun of you so much you question your relationship sometimes
  • you feel bad for his soulmate
  • because hyuck says some really, really stupid things
  • “y/n i cant find my phon- oh nvm its in my hand lol”
  • “note to self: the smoke alarm should not be used as a timer when cooking”
  • “if you dont have “me” in your life, everything is just “aweso”
  • but i guess that makes him unique and i guess somewhat easier to find
  • you think your soulmate is very studious
  • “no no the answer is 234 i swear it is”
  • “i will actually give you my brownies if thats helium and not hydrogen”
  • nerd
  • but sometimes he says the sweetest things
  • “ahh im sorry but im not giving up on my soulmate yet”
  • “im sorry but i cant go on a date with you, my soulmate is still out there waiting”
  • and it makes your heart speed up when you see quotes like these on your arm
  • but this also lets you know he must be popular with the ladiesss ;)
  • anyways
  • you thought this day was going to be just like the rest but fate had a different plan
  • “y/n im going to my other friend mark’s after school, wanna come?”
  • “hard pass but thanks for the offer”
  • “pfft youre no fun”
  • “what ever you say fart face”
  • its unusual that hyuck doesnt walk home with you
  • but its w/e
  • lets jump to where hyuck and mark are
  • “mark why dont you date?”
  • “why date when you know you have someone out there for you?”
  • “youre so whipped for them and you havent even met them yet”
  • “yeah i guess i am whipped they say some cute things sometimes”
  • “i guess this is not one of those times”
  • mark looked down at his arm and noticed what hyuck was laughing at
  • ‘what ever you say fart face’
  • cue a blushing mark
  • hyuck is over to the side having the time of his life
  • but then hyuck realizes
  • “i knOW WHO SAID THAT”
  • back 2 u now
  • its late
  • like youre asleep late
  • but then your phone goes off turns out its hyuck calling you
  • “bith i was sleeping and im not going to mark’s its too late now”
  • “no no just tell me the words (mark shut up no get off of me im not giving you the phone) on your arm”
  • “um hold on i havent checked. it says..”
  • ‘ok fine my hair looked like noodles a few months ago but its fine now!’
  • cue another blushing mark and a laughing hyuck
  • “oh..oh my god thats too good…ok thanks y/n bye”
  • “wait hyuck why!”
  • whoops too late he hung up
  • “so mark, did you say that today?”
  • “…i want to say no but yes i did”
  • “mark you know what this means?”
  • “yeah i do dont touch anything while im gone ill know”
  • just when you were about to fall asleep, you hear a banging at your door
  • “jesus who is it??? its like 2 am”
  • lo and behold its mark lee, out of breathe because he was running 2 u
  • “jus…just give me a minute to catch my breathe”
  • “umm ok do you want to come in?”
  • “no..no just give me a minute”
  • thats when you caught a glimpse of his arm and the words you had previously told hyuck that day
  • “oh my god were soulmates”
  • once he (finally) caught his breathe he kissed your forehead and hugged you
  • this hug made you feel safe and at home
  • lowkey he smelled like strawberries
  • “so did you really have noodle hair?”
  • “shhHHhh dont ruin the moment”
  • “but yes i did”
  • ok im done
  • thanks for reading
  • its much appreciated
  • byebye
Fever (Ethan)

Your head was pounding as you tossed your head back, choking down another Ibuprofen to ease some of the pressure on your head.  Your entire body ached with every step you took and it was a wonder how you even managed to leave your house that day for work in the first place. You set your keys down with a loud clank against the kitchen counter. Surely you would wake Ethan which, right now, was the least of your worries.

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AU List

Oh. my. god. Huge ass AU list done with byrdboiv

Part 1 | Part 2

AUSTRALIAN HIGH SKOOL LUV AFFAIR AU

  • ‘I’m a student teacher at your school and you’re a senior who keeps on trying to ask me out in your free periods – I mean, I would because you’re only younger than me by like, five years ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM, and you’re kind of totally my type? But hey, I’ve got to keep some sense of professionalism’ AU
  • ‘I’m a basketball coach in the year above you from your brother/sister school, and you’re that kid who can’t ball for shit, has friends in the team I’m coaching, and told me that I was really short and had really pretty eyes, you’re distracting me my team, fight me in the PIT, motherfucker’ AU
  • ‘I’m part of the IT at the school you work at, and you’re a drama teacher – you keep asking me for help with the sound and lighting even though we both know that’s the job for the deputy principal’s sound and lighting kids’ AU
  • ‘I’m your best bro and you’re my best bro, we used to have broners for each other but now I have a romantic boner for you, bro, and I don’t know about you. I’m sorry, bro. All the homo’ AU
  • ‘I’m in your Mathematics class and you sit next to me, whispering words of encouragement after my teacher verbally bodyslams me for my epic math fails’ AU
  • ‘I’m a 500% troublemaker and you’re a 500% goody two-shoes and we’re both in the Student Representative Council – who will come out on top? (Not in the sexual way, oh my God is this really happening I had no idea you had it in you, we’re both minors but I don’t think either of us could care less; so much for you being good.)’ AU
  • ‘I’m really hungry and I forgot my lunch and I have no money to buy food at the canteen, and you just passed me a $10 bill, I am 10000% willing to become you sex slave right now, bless the ground you walk on, O Benevolent One’ AU
  • ‘I’m walking past the basketball courts and you’re just lying in the centre of the courts. Staring into the sky. I’m going to join you’ AU
  • ‘I’m in your P.E. class and you’ve been doing a plank for 5 solid minutes, are you an Olympian or something??’ AU
  • ‘I’m a VA student and I fucking hate basketball to the nth degree but my teacher wants me to paint a basketball hoop and backboard for my assignment and fuckyou you’re playing on my reference, move aside bitch’ AU
  • ‘I do Latin and so do you, but you’re in a year below me and ask me for help a lot because your pronunciation may be great but your grammar is not’ AU
  • ‘I’m working part-time at a fast food joint and holy fuck, you and your friends just came to order stuff and oh no I have this huge fat crush on you because you’re always so nice to everyone and to me, I hope you don’t notice the fear in my Customer Service Smile™’ AU
  • ‘I do notifications over the PA every morning and you like my voice??? You want to ask me out for coffee????? Like, right now?????? School has already started???????You’re in Year 9 and I’m in Year 11 and I do NOT want you to skip school just for this?????????????’ AU
  • ‘We’re both in a school volleyball team and we’re the only ones not here for the gay volleyball anime (well, maybe)’ AU
  • ‘We’re both in a school basketball team and we’re the only ones not here for that one gay basketball anime (well, not really)’ AU
  • ‘We’re both in the same swimming squad and hell yeah are we here for the gay swimming anime’ AU
  • ‘I’m a VA student and you’ve been bringing me food for the past month after school when I’ve been working on my artwork, even though we’re in brother/sister schools and I only really get to talk to you at our interschool vocals club and/or on Facebook (which is really rare, to be honest), I really need to pay you back, does my eternal love and devotion (or dedication of my artwork to you) suffice?’ AU
  • ‘We’re married teachers in the Science faculty and the students keep on making jokes about us having chemistry, please bury me’ AU
  • ‘I have a TAFE account and you’re begging me for it – are you really willing to give me what you’re offering, I mean, an entire cake, your virginity and your first born child is not something that should be bartered for something you could Google at home’ AU
  • ‘We just snuck into the movies together because our friends dared us to get in, watch a movie and get back out without getting caught, hell yeah, this isn’t a date by the way what are you saying, fuck, this movie’s sad, fuck, I’m not crying, fuck, you’re holding me in your arms and it feels right, fUCK’ AU
  • ‘I’m part of the IT at the school you work at, and you’re a drama teacher – you keep asking me for help with the sound and lighting even though we both know that’s the job for the deputy principal’s sound and lighting kids’ AU
  • ‘I’m a basketball coach in the year above you from your brother/sister school, and you’re that kid who can’t ball for shit, has friends in the team I’m coaching, and told me that I was really short and had really pretty eyes, you’re distracting me my team, fight me in the PIT, motherfucker’ AU
  • ‘I’m a student teacher at your school and you’re a senior who keeps on trying to ask me out in your free periods – I mean, I would because you’re only younger than me by like, five years ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM, and you’re kind of totally my type? But hey, I’ve got to keep some sense of professionalism’ AU
  • ‘Your notes are the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever been graced with, and what the fuck, how can you even do this when our history teacher talks rapid-fire’ AU
  • ‘THE FUCKER THAT’S BEEN BLASTING WHITNEY HOUSTIN IN THE MUSIC ROOM, STOP’ AU
  • ‘I leaned over your shoulder to see the creative writing piece you’ve been working on for the past hour, and oh my gosh????? You’re that writer in the school magazine with the mysterious alias, and I admire you so much???? Did you sell your soul to the devil to reach that level of eloquence tell me your sECRET’ AU


OCCUPATIONS/JOBS AU

Fast Food Outlet

  • I work at McDonalds and you’re the fuckface who tries to order my number with a 24pck of chicken nuggets and a large strawberry sundae every single fucking time (I mean, I’d give you my number if you bought a chocolate sundae instead, strawberry is wrong)’
  • I work at KFC, why in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour, did you buy six 450ml servings of mash potato, sit down at a table close by, open each of them up and drink them all.
  • I’m a Domino’s Pizza deliveryman and you just bought 20 pizzas, there’s not even a party at your house? Are you going to eat this all yourself in one go? Are you just bulk buying so you can reheat it later and not bother calling us up again? Pizza’s way better fres– fuck, you’re crying, what do I do, they didn’t teach me this in my training.
  • I’m working part-time at a fast food joint and holy fuck, you and your friends just came to order stuff and oh no I have this huge fat crush on you because you’re always so nice to everyone and to me, I hope you don’t notice the fear in my Customer Service Smile™.
  • ‘As an employee, I shouldn’t be saying this, but it is NOT nutritionally acceptable to eat here every day. Drop by after my shift ends and I’ll cook you some real food’ AU


Convenience/Greengrocer store AU


  • ‘I’m a convenience store owner and you’re asking me whether the $2 or $3 noodles are better, I like both of them, what do I say, you’re looking at me with bigass puppydog eyes, I am fucked’ AU
  • ‘I’m your local greengrocer’s cashier and you’ve been staring at the tomatoes for over 15 minutes now, Jimmy, hold the register’ AU
  • ‘Why on earth are you holding that fruit to your ear like you can hear the fucking sea or something’ AU


Technological Store AU

  • ‘I work in JB-HiFi and you come in and ask me if I could help you find your friend who is a) missing and b) has a huge thirst for Kanye West and Jay-Z, shall we go to the CDs? They might be in the Rap genre section…’ AU
  • ‘How did you manage to fuck this up so badly’ AU


Dentist AU

  • ‘I think you look very attractive but there’s not much dignity I can muster when you’re holding my mouth open with these goddamn contraptions from hell and my mouth’s starting to fill with saliva’ AU
  • ‘I’m a dental assistant and you’re really cute, even with a bajillion black stains and mildly bad breath’ AU
  • ‘You’re not seriously going to put that in my mouth, are you’ AU


Sports Coach AU

  • ‘I’m a single parent and you’re my kid’s volleyball coach, I’m sorry I introduced them to Haikyuu!! how can I make it up to you?’ AU
  • ‘I’ve been tasked with this feeble looking teen who can’t do push ups for shit’ AU


Librarian AU

  • ‘I’m a library assistant and you’re the person who comes in every week with 100000000 kids and still manages to keep them all in check, you are amazing’ AU
  • ‘We have a self-checkout system, but ever week you unfailingly turn up at my desk and OH MY GOD IS THAT GERONIMO STILTON’ AU
  • ‘I must say your taste in books is beautiful, can I take you out for coffee?’ AU
  • ‘You’re balancing a pile of fifteen books in your arms and you look like you’re about to fall any moment now’ AU


Wedding Planner AU

  • ‘I’m a wedding planner and you’re the wedding photographer, I agree with you completely, this couple is absolutely disgusting – they need to stop with all the sappiness and frills and make out sessions in front of you when you’re trying to ask them about what they want in their actual wedding, yeah, let’s get lots of cheap alcohol at a bar somewhere, together, after this whole ordeal is done (and maybe make our own wedding a lot less cringeworthy)’ AU


Bakery AU

  • ‘I work at a bakery and you’re the person that buys a smiley face cupcake every single day, I swear to God stop smiling at me like that, like, that’s the cupcake’s job’ AU
  • ‘Do you really want to give a dick cake to your niece?’ AU
  • ‘That comes to six hundred dollars in total’ AU


Office Jobs AU

  • ‘I’m in a boring corporate business job and you’re in the cubicle in front of mine, did you just send me a paper aeroplane with the words “WASSSSSSUPPPP TURN UP BITCHEZ” written on it?’ AU
  • ‘I never usually go to workplace drinking sessions but since you’re here sign me the fuck up’ AU
  • ‘CAN YOU STOP DISTRACTING ME I HAVE THIS HUGEASS REPORT TO TYPE UP BY TODAY, NO I DON’T CARE IF YOUR CAT GAVE BIRTH wAit hold up can I adopt one?’ AU
  • ‘Are you seriously going to turn that poor excuse of a prototype in to the boss? You’ll get the sack’ AU
  • ‘We’re both vying for a promotion, and you’re not above sabotaging my work’ AU
NCT127 AS SHIT MY FRIENDS HAVE SAID PT 2

johnny: *fills water bottle cap with water* “SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS EVERYBODAAAAAAYYYY!”

taeyong: “i speaks fluent jesus”

winwin: “i can’t wait till i’m able to dish some sick rhymes and literally roast all of you”

haechan: “just because i have resting bitch face doesn’t mean i’m a bad person”

mark: “why do we have hands? are we
like, related?”

jaehyun: “did you know a hen can lay eggs without a rooster?”

yuta: *looks at winwin* “he gives me ‘5 stars on yelp’ vibes”

doyoung: “we so bad ass, we gotta blast!”

taeil: “sleeping is death without the commitment”

Spoiled Vacation

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Word Count: 1377

Warnings: Fluff, language, a little angsty

Request: Hi! Can I request a Peter x reader with 26 and 8? Thank you! - @demigodofthesun

I hope this does your request justice! Let me know what you think :))

Summary: Y/N invites her best friend, Peter, out to her summer house at Montauk. At the end of the trip, however, she discovers a secret that might put a slight damper on their relationship.

Originally posted by tomhollandisdaddy

Keep reading

certainlykeelan  asked:

Okay but?????? Death Note characters as quotes from history of the entire world I guess?????? That would be cool omg

Ooooh fun!

Light: “You can make a religion out of this!”

L: “No, don’t.”

Mello: “Forget this, I wanna go somewhere, do something. I want things to change.”

Near: “That’s bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit. That’s a scam. Here’s 95 reasons why.”

Matt: “ ‘Wait!’ said Matt, probably smoking crack.”

Misa: “Some stars burn and die, bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION”

Naomi: “It’s a star! New shit just got made”

Matsuda: “He did many crusades. Some of which almost didn’t fail”

Ryuk: “Nope can’t walk yet. And there’s no food yet so I don’t care”

Rem: “Is loving Jesus legal yet?”

Takada: “Will you get out of here if I give you 500 elephants? Ok thanks bye”

Beyond: “How did this happen?”

anonymous asked:

Jesus Christ, why do find Ozai hot?

Umm, this is an ambiguous question. You’re missing a noun there, so I’m going to try to answer this as generally as possible.

If you’re asking why I, Seyary, find Ozai hot? It’s because he is.

Look at the man:

Appreciate the smoulder. The perfectly manly jawline. That fucking ridiculously lustrous hair he probably gets combed thrice a day because he’s a diva. DEM CHEEKBONES.

I’m sorry. Even better smoulder. (I did not tweak this screenshot somebody please help me I can’t stop laughing!)

And he’s ripped as heck. Dorito proportions, six pack, wtf Ozai. Stop working out so much, you need to give other guys a chance.

Now, that’s my personal opinion on him. But since I’m not sure if you were asking about me, I’m going to address all possibilities from your question:

“Jesus Christ, why do you find Ozai hot?” could mean you’re asking Jesus Christ instead of me. No intent to offend any Christians with this answer of course, but Jesus has always been a man who was very kind-hearted, loved everyone even if they hated him, advised his followers to love even their enemies. Jesus Christ would tell you, Anon, that Ozai is hateful but you don’t have to be. The kingdom of heaven will be open for you if you’re not as hateful as Ozai. So hating Ozai is not something Jesus Christ would approve of (I went to catholic school, I’d know!), and denying his hotness just out of spite is a hateful practice. So don’t do it.

More importantly, the Bible’s ten commandments also establish that you mustn’t lie. The ninth commandment, was it? So Jesus Christ would not have lied and claimed Ozai wasn’t hot when Ozai is actually hot. He would have said Ozai is a very cruel man who needed to see the light from God, but he would have never thought Ozai was ugly out of spite for all the hideous things he did. So this is why Jesus Christ would hypothetically not deny that Ozai is hot.

Now, maybe the problem isn’t me or Jesus Christ. Maybe the question was meant to be: “Jesus Christ, why do I find Ozai hot?!”, alluding at you suffering from a severe crisis where you’re realizing Ozai is in fact hot as hell. Well, all the previous explanations apply. If you’re having such a crisis, don’t feel bad. We all know he’s hot. Doesn’t make him less of an asshole.

Nickelodeon say he’s hot too, see?

So maybe you were asking why did Nickelodeon say he was hot? I mean, I did post this screenshot once before so maybe that’s what prompted this ask… 

Anyways, fact of the matter is, Ozai was indeed designed to look like an older, scar-less Zuko. It was a cruel play from Bryke to make Zuko fans scream in outrage because they wanted to hate every little thing about Ozai, but if they hate his looks out of spite, they’re hating the image their beloved Zuko will have in the future (just, Zuko is scarred, of course). So yes. It’s hilariously cruel but it’s actually pretty funny. Ergo, even Zuko fans are forced to say Ozai is hot despite how much they may hate him, because if you were to think Zuko is hot and Ozai is not, it means you’re into teenagers only and if you’re over 18 years old you probably should be more interested in fully grown men instead of teenagers…

Lastly: SCIENCE proves Ozai is hot.

See this?

Just look at all that fire. A candle’s fire, according to wikipedia, is at 1,500°F, 829°C. Just how much heat do you think this shithead is creating through his bending? Yes, Azula’s fire is way hotter but that doesn’t mean Ozai’s isn’t. Try putting your hand in a fireplace and don’t get burned. You can’t. You can’t touch Ozai without getting burned either. Cuz’ he’s hot and his fire is hot, too (and hella aggressive, I don’t think he’d like being touched by strangers). Get it?

Long story short, Anon, if you’re actually indignant that people find Ozai hot, if you are simply not attracted to hot maniac bastards who want to set the world on fire

Originally posted by anoutlandishidea

well that’s on you, really. But it’s not every day that Jesus Christ and Science would agree on something. I’d say regardless of which one you prefer, you should believe them. Just sayin’.