i used to be sad all the time but now im just so fucking angry. im angry that im up until three in the morning every single day with the thought of you stuck on replay because no matter how many times i try to shatter the record, my record player has your voice memorized and you are all i can hear in the quiet of my room and you are haunting me and you’re not even a fucking a ghost and i am so tired of being haunted by the living. i am angry because every song is about you. every song brings me back to you and reminds me of your eyes or your voice or your laugh and how it was a melody to my ears, how it was the thing that soothed me on my darkest nights and how now, i am implacable and my music is so loud all i can hear is the song that’s playing but between songs your name slips in and it kills me. im so angry that you slipped away from me. no. you didn’t slip away because i held you so tight and you pried my fingers away from your ribs and you pushed me away without any hint of goodbye and im so angry that i let it happen again. because i thought this time, you’d be the one who stayed but again, someone has left me. and i was convinced that i was finally locked down but you keep getting in and i know it’s my fault because i cannot stop leaving the key under my “welcome home” matt and i know nothing is inviting about letting ghosts of past lovers inside of your very own house but jesus fuck this is the only way i can get by without suffocating and choking up my lungs and im afraid that bullet holes were never just scratch the surface wounds because i have a war zone in my head and the bullets keep grazing my chest and there is nothing romantic about the way you force me to swallow gun powder because now i am a ticking time bomb and you convinced me it would save me but i am afraid if i hear your name im going to explode and obliterate everything in my path. you have made me destructive but still i am open arms for you and i am so angry at myself for letting it happen again but i must keep you alive and the only way i can reach you anymore is by turning off the lights and waiting for the haunting with tears streaming down my face and shaky hands, i will close my curtains, shut off the lights, and wait. i am ready for your return. i am not scared anymore. haunt me, please.
— excerpt from a book i’ll never write due to the fear of you reading it // ig writingmyself