jesus christ what is this shit

anonymous asked:

request prompt 28? Maybe the reader is Spencer's younger sister ?

“I thought we were family!”

You were the only one who knew about your brothers Dulaudid addiction.
You had offered to take him to rehab or therapy to not be so extreme but he always pushed it away.
And one day, you both got in an argument. 
You had taken all of the Dulaudid from his sock drawer and disposed of it.
“Are getting into my stuff again?” He asked angered.
He was so easy to anger ever since he started using.
“You know what I did.” You said standing up from the couch. “You’re just going to get worse, Spencer. And keeping a stash isn’t going to make any progress.” 
“I told you to stay the hell away from my shit!”
“Jesus Christ Spencer, I thought we were family!” You yelled at him. “You are ruining our relationship with your shit! You need to actually put forth effort into quitting! I have offered to help you and you always decline, but you know why I offer? It’s because I love you and I want what’s best for you!” You yelled before taking a deep breathe as you tried to calm down.
“You’re right.” Spencer said quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been so pissy towards you lately, I really am. Its just… hard.” He said with his head low.
“Hey.” You say walking towards him. “You’re not alone. Why don’t I schedule you an appointment for this week, okay? I’ll go with you if you’d like.” You said with a small smile. 
He nodded and smiled back. “I think I would like that.”

Backstory: We’re interrogating the leader of a group of cannibals. I’m a rouge, and I’m in a group with a gunslinger, a ranger, and a bard.

Mayor: I’ll die before I tell you anything!

Me: I slit his throat.

Gunslinger: We’re trying to get information.

Me: I slit his throat.

GM: Ire slits his throat.

Ranger: Why the hell did you do that you moron.

Me: I roll to compel the gods to put his spirit back into his body.

The entire party: what.

Me: *rolls nat20 plus 13*

GM: Jesus Christ, Ire somehow convinces the gods to gingerly put the guy back in his body and heal his wounds.

Me: What were you saying about dying first?

Mayor: What the fuck is wrong with you.

3

“…I’m doing more than fine.”

I’ve never made a gifset before so excuse the shittiness of it, but man, out of everything he said in that last video, this one spoke to me the most. We’re all doing fine. I could go in depth about how this community has changed me, and how much I love seeing what you guys make, and jesus christ, just how much positivity radiates from our little nook on tumblr, but I think the big thing is that I’m just so proud to associate myself with you guys. 
@markiplier

(i hope you guys don’t mind if I tag you, I just thought I would reach out to some of my favorite jims)
@pleaseletthisjimbetaken @ironwoman359 @jim-protection-squad @ego-protection-squad @markired @snowelfxx @jiiiimmmm-with-dyed-hair

im always shocked that ppl really genuinely love and care about hux from star wars because while i was watching the movie my literal ONLY thought about him was “god that guy is ugly” and then after the movie i saw all this shit about some dude named hux i didnt even know who the fuck he was i had to look him up on google dot com like what the fuck movie were y’all watching that this was a character that mattered even for a second cuz it sure wasnt star wars the force fucking awakens jesus christ 

100 Dialogue Prompts: Part 5

Great team work, amigos. Here’s is part 5! 

  1. “Why is there a naked Ken Barbie doll tied up in your room?” “Goddammit, ____! I told you not to go in there!”
  2. “No Candice, I am NOT selling you my soul again.”
  3. “why is the fairy holding a gun.”
  4. “Jesus Christ on a boat made of crackers, what are you doing outside of the pod ship again?”
  5. “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT” “He said I couldn’t… and I thought it was a challenge…”
  6. “How the fuck did you dye the ocean ORANGE?!”
  7. “Why are the roses green?”
  8. “Great, you made death angry.”
  9. ”この___だ!”
  10. “That better be a press on tattoo.”
  11. “If you only listened to the nature, you could learn more than humans ever passed to us.”
  12. “So, we’re dead?” “Well, kind of… yeah.”
  13. “Remind me again why you have a centaur tied up in your truck?”
  14. “Can you stop staring into my soul every time we meet? I feel exposed.”
  15. “You do realize that he wasn’t breathing when he spoke to us, right?”
  16. “I liked you better when you where possessed by that demon friend of yours”
  17. “You’re absolutely in love with him and have been for at least 2 years if you don’t go tell him how you feel I swear to god I will”
  18. “There are worse things in life than death.” “Nobody asked you,Lucifer.” “Just saying.”
  19. “Well, it’s wonderful that you’re having a sexuality crisis, but in case you forgot, we’re kind of in the middle of STOPPING THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!”
  20. “Why is there a horse crashing on our couch?” “Oh, that’s Satan.”
  21. “Why would I hang out with you? You’re so incompetent! Your sacrifice to the faeries was so insufficient!”
  22. “Where the hell did the dragon go?! He was right here!”
  23. “Ok, the recipie calls for two cups of lemon and a cup of sugar, but all I see are cough syrup and battery acid…”
  24. “What do you mean today’s not a Tuesday?!”
  25. “So everyone on Earth had the same dream as me?”
  26. “you know what will solve that? Scotch.”
  27. “I didn’t ask for this!” “… you didn’t?”
  28. “How is it that the least likely outcome is always the outcome I receive?!” “You should go buy a lottery ticket.”
  29. “Guys, i know you’re all busy, but if any of you wants the dinner done, i will need my arm back”
  30. “Of COURSE I care about you. That’s why I sold your soul on the black market.”
  31. “JOHN I AM BEGINNING TO QUESTION THE VALIDITY OF YOUR PLAN” “AS AM I ALEX, AS AM I”
  32. “What?”
  33. “I will take the concept of my rage, transform it into a physical weapon, and use it to BEAT YOU TO DEATH!”
  34. “Did you really HAD to slap the shark?!” “I mean… If you want me to kick it-”
  35. “I don’t care, your tamagotchi dying is not an excuse to wake me up before noon!”
  36. “You are telling me that the socks with hearts that I’ve been mocking since the first day you arrived are, in fact, what keep you alive?” “Yes!” “What?”
  37. “So you really want me to believe that you’re actually from the future?”
  38. “Dude. What have you done. Now we HAVE TO save those aliens!”
  39. “Can you just stop?” “God no, why would I do that?”
  40. “Hey at least I get laid doing it”
  41. “While that’s a lovely story, it doesn’t quite explain the fires.”
  42. “Dude, please tell me that you planned to deal with her guardian angel when you killed her.”
  43. “That’s such a stupid idea… let’s do it.”
  44. “What do you MEAN this just HAPPENS?!” “All the time, actually.”
  45. “I swear, one day you’ll kill us both.” “Oh please, I’ve never been that reckless.” “…” “That was ONE TIME!”
  46. “Why did you buy a nuke?!” “Why wouldn’t I? It was on sale”
  47. “I am fueled purely by rage and instant coffee.”
  48. “How are you a million years old, bit you can’t even remember who George Washington is?”
  49. “Because I gave not, a single shit.”
  50. “Is that a marijuana? In my good  Christian suburbs?!”
  51. “WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE?? YOU NEVER USE THE DRAGON, YOU IDIOT”
  52. “I don’t care if he’s a unicorn, NO ONE EATS MY MINI EGGS!”
  53. “Jesus Christ Lewis! *Again* with the Snails?” “It’s Thursday! You said Thursday’s were okay!”
  54. “Here’s a story for you. I woke up in Vegas as a makeup guru. I was REALLY drunk.”
  55. “If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you…WAIT, NO IT WAS A JOKE, STOP!”
  56. “You’re kinda like hitchhiking Ghost Busters, aren’t you?”
  57. “For gods sake, ditch the fanny pack”
  58. “Take the tomato!” “No, I don’t want the tomato” “JUST TAKE THE TOMATO”
  59. “‘That’s no moon!’ Everyone  remembered Jimmy’s words that night as he scolded his friends for half-heartedly pulling their pants down.”
  60. “WHY IS THERE A BEAR IN MY BATHROOM”
  61. “Can you believe it?” “Just barely.”  "Man, I never thought he would ACTUALLY throw the chair.“
  62. "What did you THINK girl scout cookies were made of?”
  63. “Really? That’s not what I heard from Mrs. Sanchez across the hall!”   “Mom she’s literally a possessed cow, why do you listen to her?”
  64. “You got the rubber chicken, cheese whiz, and dish soap?” “Yep” “Ok, let’s do this!”
  65. “Are you building a life-sized Godzilla at 3am again?”
  66. “Don’t get pissy at me, YOU’RE the one who didn’t say what kind of tea bags to get for the clown!”
  67. "So YOU’RE the guy the math textbooks warned us about.”
  68. “Where’s our cat?” “I thought you were responsible for it?..”
  69. “What do you mean I’m half demon”
  70. “why are you duct taping a cat to the ceiling?” “aesthetic.”
  71. “Hope is a lie. So is philosophy, morality, language in general, the sky, dogs, and about a third of the population of Michigan.”
  72. “So let me get this straight. You filled a Darth Vader costume… With cats?”
  73. “How did I die this time?” “Well, it was pretty quick. I missed it, but from what I can tell, you convinced an entire school of 4000 people to throw watermelons at you all at the same time.” “…And?” “The impact of the watermelons threw you back a couple hundred kilometers and you landed in the ocean…inside the mouth of a particularly hungry shark.” “Goddamn it I wanted this death to be metal!”
  74. “Yesterday I learned that my childhood friend was a demon.”
  75. “Please tell me you said 'What bothers me most.’ "Yes? What the hell did you think I said?” Well….it kinda sounded like “His father’s meatloaf.’
  76. "Goddammit, why won’t you die?!”  "I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! “
  77. "I’d appreciate it if you fucking stopped, thanks.”
  78. “What the hell is this?” “It’s jello, you eat it”
  79. "You didn’t” “I did and I made them watch”
  80. "Why in the hell did you think this was a good idea?” “Look, YOU try saying 'No’ to not just a primordial deity, but my little sister as well.” “…Ok, you got me there.”
  81. “How do you know that it’s supposed to look like this?”
  82. “Are you making *tea*?!” “Well what else am I supposed to do?” “I don’t know maybe STOP THE MONSTER THATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!”
  83. “Why are you in a dress?” “Lucifer wanted to have a tea party. You don’t say no to Lucifer”
  84. “So you’re telling me that aliens invaded while I was on vacation?”
  85. “I appreciate the gesture but I prefer my horses fried rather than alive.”
  86. *whining* “But Mooommm, I don’t want to save the woooorrld!”
  87. “Now I know not to cry there”
  88. “What if we DIDNT kill the king every Thursday” “Good idea we’ll kill him on Fridays instead.”
  89. “So you’re a zombie now?” “I guess I am” “So what are you gonna do about it?” “*shrug* I don’t know….”
  90. “I guess you weren’t joking when you said that the world is ruled by ants”
  91. “When I die, tell everyone 'I told you so.’”
  92. “You’re not real… You’re only in those silly books!” “Correction, my dear, you’re the fictional one.”
  93. “There was no 'free pie’ you moron! You stole it!”
  94. “Okay, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my pet rock has gained sentience, just like we planned! The bad news is that it turns out he’s evil and is currently building a rock army with the intent of taking over the world. aaaand, he’s trying to get Mt. Everest on his side.”
  95. “Why is our baby on a wanted poster?”
  96. “Zombies are people too, Mom!”
  97. “… I’m gonna go for it. Hold my head for me real quick, and don’t put it on a mannequin like you did last time.”
  98. “Fascinating… I was unaware that was physically plausible.” “I know right.”
  99. “ACHOO!” “Bless you.” “No sorry, that won’t work on me.”
  100. “Bye, Felicia. Take you and your cat ears! GO!”

Prepare yourselves, because starting from tomorrow we will be making ‘100 Prompts That Will Make You Cry’ lists. Hope you enjoy this one. Which prompt do you like the most?

the signs as shit my english teacher has said

aries: if you start you essay with “In the book The Great Gatsby…” im gonna throw you out that window 

taurus: elvish looks nothing like that

gemini: when we get back, you’re playing the trumpet or I’m failing you

cancer: oh I forget this class doesn’t get irony

leo: I’m definitely lawful good, c’mon, have you met me?

virgo: you guys know what raisins are right?

libra: *uses the word ‘artifice’ 13 times in 3 sentences* 

scorpio: “Jesus Christ” Just Jonathan will do, thanks

sagittarius: I wonder if [Ryan Ross]’s an asshole

capricorn: I respect any song that has heavy breathing as a bass line

aquarius: I fucking hate sublime, like we get it. you smoked weed once and it was cool

pisces: Hamlet’s long, but he’s worth it

high quality meme starters

taken from all over the internet, some specifically from the youtube channel siIvagunner . 

  • ❝ can i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh BONELESS PIZZA
  • ❝ and his name is ……. JOHN CENA !
  • ❝ succ ❞
  • ❝ BUENOS DIAS MANDY ❞
  • ❝ n - nani ?!?
  • ❝ omae wa, mou shindeiru . ❞
  • ❝ how many layers of irony are you on right now ?
  • SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME . ❞
  • [ obnoxious sound of the ever popular rickroll ]
  • ❝ they see me rollin’ . they hatin’ . ❞
  • ❝ todokete, setsunasa ni wa !
  • ❝ nice of the princess to invite us over for dinner, gay __ ?
  • ❝ i hope she made lotsa spaghetti !
  • ❝ it’s the nutshack !
  • ❝ BITCH YOU GUESSED IT !
  • ❝ AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
  • ❝ whoa …. whoa …. whoa …….. WHOA ! WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA
  • ❝ gee ! it sure is BORING around here !
  • ❝ you know what they say: all toasters … toast toast !
  • ❝ it’s hiiiiiiigh noon . ❞
  • ❝ eyyyyyyyyy, sexy lady !
  • ❝ nice . >:] ❞
  • ❝ i’ll have a number nine large . ❞
  • ❝ the more you know !
  • ❝ look at my horse . my horse is amazing . ❞
  • ❝ epic jojoke . ❞
  • ❝ squadala, we’re off !
  • ❝ are you sure about that ?
  • [ dabs ]
  • ❝ let it go ! let it go !
  • ❝ are you …. a real villain ?
  • ❝ well, uh … technically, uh …. nah . ❞
  • ❝ we are number one !
  • ❝ notice me, senpai !
  • ❝ you’re gonna have a bad time  - sans undertale [ 2015 ]
  • ❝ pokemon go to the polls . ❞
  • ❝ is only game . why u hef to be mad ?
  • ❝ snooPINGAS usual i see . ❞
  • ❝ POOTIS . ❞
  • ❝ ECH . ❞
  • ❝ do not presume . ❞
  • ❝ i’m gay . ❞
  • ❝ i have crippling depression !
  • ❝ expand dong . ❞
  • ❝ HE HAS NO STYLE ! HE HAS NO GRACE !
  • ❝ according to all known laws of aviation
  • ❝ what the fuck did you just say to me you little bitch ?
  • ❝ GOOD SHIT . ❞
  • ❝ i play pokemon go everyday !
  • ❝ BEGONE, THOT . ❞
  • ❝ jesus christ it’s jason bourne . ❞
  • ❝ BEHOLD THE POWER OF MY STAND !
  • taaaaaaaake oooooooooon meeeeeeeeee !
  • ❝ GET TO THE CHOPPA !
  • ❝ all your base . now belong to us . ❞
  • WOOMY . ❞
  • ❝ i used to be an adventurer like you, until i took an arrow to the knee . ❞
  • ❝ look at this dude . oh nononononono …. ❞
  • ❝ i am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand !
  • ❝ exotic butters . ❞
  • ❝ gotta go fast !
  • ❝ what does the fox say ?
  • ❝ pen pineapple apple pen . ❞
  • ❝ NOOOOOOO . PLEASE GOD NO, NO . NO . NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • ❝ get out of my swamp !
  • ❝ look at all those chickens !
  • ❝ i’m blue, dabudee dabudi . ❞
  • ❝ thank you, __ ! but your princess is in another castle !
  • ❝ here i come, rougher than the rest of them . ❞
  • HEHEHE I AM A SUPAHSTAR WARRIAH
  • ❝ press f to pay respects . ❞
  • ❝ the cake is a lie . ❞
  • ❝ owo what’s this ?
  • SAY WHAAAAAAAT ?
  • ❝ now this is a story all about how my life got twisted upside down . ❞
  • ❝ it’s lit, fam !
  • ❝ yes, hello . i was wondering i you could play that song, again . ❞
  • ❝ smoke weed every day . ❞
  • ❝ but hey, that’s just a theory ! A GAME THEORY !
  • ❝ is that a motherfucking jojo reference ???
  • [ room on fire ] this is fine . ❞
  • ❝ fuck the police, comin’ straight from the underground !
  • ❝ this bitch empty . YEET !
  • ❝ god i wish that was me . ❞
  • ❝ fuck this shit i’m out . ❞
  • [ knuckles voice ] oh no . ❞
  • ❝ yeah bOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
  • ❝ dicks out for harambe . ❞
  • ❝ guess i’ll die . ❞
  • ❝ ya like jazz ?
  • ❝ ow the edge ❞
  • W H O M S T’ D V E
  • ❝ words can’t hurt me these shades are gucci . ❞
  • ❝ __, shut the fuck up and get the fuck out . ❞
  • ❝ it’s over nine thousand !!
  • ❝ HEEEEEEYEYAAAAAEYAAAEYEYE !!!!
  • ❝ rollin’ around at the speed of sound !
  • ❝ but that all changed when the fire nation attacked . ❞
  • ❝ that day, humanity received a grim reminder . ❞
  • ❝ DOH !
  • ❝ two to the one to the one to the three . ❞
  • ❝ so long, gay bowser !
  • ❝ WEEWOO WEEWOO ❞
  • ❝ GRAND DAD . ❞
  • ❝ IT’S HIP TO FUCK BEES . ❞
  • DON’T FUCK WITH ME I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE
  • ❝ inhale my dong enragement child ❞
  • ❝ HERE COME DAT BOI ❞
  • ❝ look at this photograph !
  • ❝ souljia boy i tell ‘em . ❞
  • ❝ you know i had to do it to ‘em . ❞
  • ❝ wake me up [ WAKE ME UP INSIDE ]
  • ❝ can’t touch this . ❞
  • ❝ deja vu ! i’ve just been in this place before !
Shiver (One Shot)

A/N: I got this idea from a scene in Twilight (if you’re a fan, you’ll know which scene lol) and I wanted to put my own sexy twist on it with Bucky. I hope you guys like it! - D. 

Shiver: After a mission goes bad, Reader and Bucky are forced to take shelter during a snowy night. What happens when you show symptoms of hypothermia? 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Graphic details of sex. Swearing. Extremely NSFW. There’s also sex gifs used. (If you’re not comfortable with any of these, keep scrolling.) 

Keep reading

What she says: I’m fine

What she means: Motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg Jesus Christ fuck dUde mother fuckinG facebook movie bullshit jesus can you fucking bElieve this shIt goddamn creator of facebook and fucking lawyers and shit right fucking winklevoss twins goddamn rowin the boat fuck yo shit I cant even fuckin believe this shit have you seen this shit Fuck I just watched this shit Fuck Jesse EisenberG man motherfucking spiderman spiderman you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking build sHit with his barE hAnDs fucking best friend shit jeSse Eisenberg I’m very tired No man I’ll just talk aBout the Facebook movie all day shit man you have to bE sO interested in the shit I have to say about the facebook movie fUck dude I just watched it a year and a half ago fuck Jesse Eisenberg man he fucked over spiderman crazy Winklevoss twins rowing Trent resin or did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented facebook I don’t like dying I can’t think of who the fuck invented Facebook all I can think is the guy who played the guy who invented faceboOk Who the fuck invented Facebook

MARK ZUCKERBERG

CLYDE vs. TWEEK GO!!!

CLYDE:  oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

CLYDE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TWEEK: ?!?!?!@#@!&#!@?!

CLYDE: THIS ENDS H–

CLYDE:         o

TWEEK: AHFUYDSHJFU*DSF(UDSHJRF&#^#@!Q#H@$







TWEEK: 

CRAIG:

CLYDE: …Aw weak.

TWEEK: JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK!

TWEEK: WHAT THE HELL MAN!

TWEEK: ARE YOU CRAZY?!

TWEEK: HOLY SHIT WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM MAN?!

CLYDE: WhoahwohwoahOWHOAWHOA TWEEK OKAY HOLD ON–

TWEEK: I NEARLY KILLED YOU!!!

TWEEK: WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!

CLYDE: [distant] Okay okAY THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR DOING–


[continued from this post]

anonymous asked:

dan is so beautiful and anyone who disagrees is lying. like have you seen that boy? he has slight curves and a soft face and his lips jesus christ. and gorgeous long legs and he has a little bit of a chub tum. everything about him is so soft yet he can go from holy shit to aww it literally two seconds and he looks gorgeous in literally everything.

i thought this answer needed some visual representation

like this is just a random liveshow screenshot?? hOW??

WHY WHY WHY yOU knOw what this is dOIng to us bOIIIIII

phil lester: photographer extraordinaire

fOr fUCk!!!!!

my heart is soft :(((

tHE squISHieST bOYe???

the purest human :((( 7 hours of training a week looks good on him

eXCUse mE????

he deserves all the happiness in the world :(( i’m so :(((

gOD

this entire panel was a blessing for our eyes

i will nEVer be over this. eVER.

more denim jacket dan 2kforever pls :(((

fRECKles???? so good man :((((

i would die for him

gLoRiouS. stUnNinG. what is existence honestly


truly, what have we done to deserve him. i need to lie down.

Harry Potter and His Complete Lack of Shower Etiquette.

Harry tossed his uniform over the back of the sofa as he flicked open the top few buttons of his shirt and entered the kitchen to get himself a long drink of water. He was hungry; Draco had already ordered Chinese. The take-out containers sat on the table, neatly arranged in the centre under a Stasis, with two plates, forks and the paper-wrapped chopsticks laid out ready. 

But it was a sudden craving for something cold and sweet that hit him and after pointlessly digging around in the freezer for a few seconds, he gave up and went looking for his boyfriend. He could hear the shower running now, as he walked further into the flat and the muffled humming that seemed strangely magnified as it echoed off the wet tiles. 

The bathroom door was ajar and Harry elbowed his way in. Draco was a long, blurred form in the tub behind the curtain, his hands in his hair as he lathered. He hummed the chorus of the song for a fifth time - he was pants at memorising the rest of the lyrics.

Snorting softly, Harry curled his fingers around a fistful of the damp curtain and pushed it aside with a careless, “Hey, are we out of–”

But his question was drowned out at Draco’s vague humming morphed into a severely high-pitched shriek as he turned around to face Harry, both hands flying down between his legs to cover his bits. Sweet smelling suds of shampoo ran down the sides of his face and his hair was sticking up in wet bunches. The shower was still running, pouring onto his shoulder and back, the steam rising around him like a cloud. His eyes were huge and round with shock and his mouth was open in a scream that went on and on. 

He was frankly completely adorable.

“Stop screaming.” Harry rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake, Draco, it’s just me. Are we out of ice cream? I saw a tub in there last week–”

“GET OUT!” Draco shrieked, lifting one hand to violently point a soapy finger towards the door, spattering Harry with streaks of apple scented water. “YOU ILL-MANNERED WRETCH! GET OUT!”

“Oh my god, I fucked you in here only this morning!” Harry reminded him incredulously. “I’ve seen you naked literally every single fucking day for over three yea–”

“HARRY, I WILL STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING EYE!” Draco bellowed, eyes bulging manically, hands curled into fists. “I HATE YOU! GET OUT! GET OUT!–”

“Fine!” Harry was already backing away. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered under his breath as he exited the bathroom, shutting the door firmly behind himself so that the continued screams of have you no sense of propriety whatsoever and how is it that I’ve ended up with a shamelessly indecent, completely uncouth piece of shit like you faded away to muffled screaming coupled with the steady gush of the shower.

Harry laughed for a whole ten minutes.

(Insp.)

I ranted about this in my guild discord but fuck it I’ll rant here too: the faction war is the most boring part of WoW. I am so tired of Horde vs Alliance. It’s bullshit. Literally no reason to keep fighting beyond some interpersonal issues between racial leaders. Every issue, and I mean EVERY issue, the horde and alliance have with each other can be EASILY solved without violence at this point.

The orcs are clear cutting Ashenvale. Night Elves can get lumber from trees without cutting them down using wisps. Fuckin trade something for it jesus christ. Everyone’s happy. There’s no reason to fight over it outside “orcs are assholes.”

In Ashran we are literally FUCKING SKINNING EACH OTHER. For what? Ohhh a titan artifact, I hear you say. Lemme ask you this: what the fuck does that thing even DO? Do you know? I sure as shit don’t know. No one fucking knows! But goddamn are we gonna commit some war crimes to get it.

Alliance sinks a goblin ship. “No witnesses”. WHY. WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID. 

Why would tauren hate draenei? Why would gnomes despise trolls? Cuz they’re on the other side, of course.

Every xpac blizzard has to come up with some bullshit reason to keep this war going and it drags the writing so far down because motivations are so muddled and convoluted it just doesn’t make sense. Look at Legion. What’s driving the conflict now? Alliance believes the horde got Varian killed because witnesses saw them pull back at the Broken Shore. But the horde didn’t get Varian killed, they were being overrun. They HAD to pull back. I know that. You know that. Alliance doesn’t know that. Why? BECAUSE SYLVANAS FOR SOME REASON WON’T JUST SAY “HEY YO HERE’S WHAT WENT DOWN REAL SORRY ABOUT THAT” That’s it that’s all she’s gotta do. That’s like one letter to Anduin. Boom. Broken Isles conflict over.

“But it’s World of WARcraft! Not World of PEACEcraft!” Goddammit shut the hell up I’ve got demons to kill I don’t need Axeshit Murderfucker, the Draenei Defenestrator to get on his soapbox and explain his beef with ME IN PARTICULAR while we’re both neck deep in demons. There’s enough shit to fight.

i’m sure people have talked about it before but the potential for hilarity with a fake ah crew gavin who doesn’t know how to drive is so great to me

like maybe they’re in the middle of a heist and gavin and michael are paired off to cause mayhem somewhere, and they need to make a quick getaway but michael managed to smash up his glasses somehow (fuckin’ knew i should’ve worn contacts goddammit) so he tosses gavin the keys like “i can’t see shit, you gotta drive”

and gavin looks at michael, wide-eyed, and says, “well, i don’t know how.”

there’s a good few seconds of silence, and then michael deafens absolutely everyone in their right ears over the comms. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T DRIVE YOU’RE FUCKING TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW MIGHT AS WELL SHOVE THIS WHOLE FUCKING CAR UP MY ASS FOR ALL THE GOOD IT DOES US JESUS CHRIST

they manage to make it back, michael driving and gavin yelping in terror every seven seconds, that’s a tree, that’s a tREE, michael, michael(YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP)

and then michael collects the crew and points at gavin like “somebody better fuckin’ do something about this.”

jack sighs and hauls gavin out the door by his arm. they return less than an hour later. gavin looks sheepish. jack looks haunted. 

“what happened?”

“we went to an empty parking lot so he could practice. like three acres of empty space.”

“and?”

“he managed to find and crash into every single fucking light pole. every single one. my car looks like it rolled down fucking mount chiliad.”

ryan shrugs and stands up and drags gavin back out to that same parking lot in his own car, gavin protesting the entire time. he gets gavin behind the wheel and then pulls a handgun out of his jacket and points it at gavin’s right knee.

“hit anything with my car and i shoot you. and then i’ll shoot you again for getting blood on the upholstery,” he says, talking over gavin’s yell of alarm. (gavin would argue with that logic but, well, ryan’s armed and he isn’t.)

it totally works. nobody can figure out why gavin always looks so stiff while he’s driving, though. keeps his hands at ten and two come hell or high water. ryan is quietly smug.