jesus christ what is this shit

i really need to start being more honest and upfront with my therapists but i’m worried they’ll just get frustrated and tell me i’m making up excuses when hey guess what poverty exists and im smack dab in the middle of it so no susan i can’t just get up and drive across town to go fucking bowling when i’m feeling blue or suddenly walk three and a half miles to the store to buy shit i don’t need because “uwu retail therapy” jesus christ think about things for more than ten seconds perhaps

The Bestiary: Scaly-Foot Gastropod

These are diamond-tipped indenter heads. They are used to inflict ludicrous pressure upon various shit in order to measure the hardness of said shit. Recently, one of these was used to measure the hardness of a certain animal’s shell, and, instead of crushing the ever-loving fuck out of it, it found serious resistance.

The aforementioned animal is a snail.

Let me spell this out for ya. There is a snail that can resist the onslaught from an industrial-grade diamond applied with the pressure of several metric fucktonnes. A. Snail. That. Can. Resist. A. Diamond. Indenter.

Just imagine stepping on one of these guys. Instead of breaking their shells like those of usual snails, you’d break your own fucking ankle.

Jesus trilobitic Christ.

Today’s Episode: the Scaly-Foot Gastropod

Just look at this little piece of shit. Look at it and say to my face it doesn’t look like a tank.

What we’ve got here is the rather lamely-named scaly-foot gastropod, also known by the considerably more badass-sounding names of iron snail and  Chrysomallon squamiferum. The SFG hails from the deep-sea thermal vents known as black smokers, deep-sea vents from which water gushes constantly. That water, by the way, originates from below the mantle.

The proximities of black smokers are perfectly lightless, unforgiving badlands, with water rich enough in poisonous sulphuric chemicals to perform the chemical equivalent of curbstomping on any “superior” lifeform that dares stick it’s overspecialized, prissy ass down there, heat up to 450 degrees Celsius (one thirteenth of the temperature of the Sun’s surface) and pressures that could turn any land-dwelling scum into a Flatlander within seconds. If creatures want to survive here, they must either be hyper-effective murder-machines, or damn nigh unkillable.

The SFG’s predators, such as venomous, killer cone snails with bionic harpoon guns evolved from their own “teeth”, and car-wrecking carnivorous crabs that kill snails by pressing down on their shells for days with jagged ultra-hard pincers specifically designed to do this belong in the first category.

The SFG itself belongs in the second.

Hoooly shit does it ever.

The unkillability itself is obtained by using the chemosynthetic bacteria lurking in its glands to absorb and mineralize the poisonous iron-sulphides the water is overabundant with, making them non-poisonous for the snail. It then coats its shell with the minerals, constructing an unique three-layer structure no other gastropods possess. None.

To sum it up, the outer layer, used to block the bulk of the attack, is made up of greigite (Fe3S4), a ridiculously hard mineral. Then comes a middle layer of squishy organic matter purposed to absorb the shock of impacts, dents and blows. Finally, an inner layer of aragonite (CaCO3), designed to prevent asshole crabs from sticking their nasty claws into the shell and picking it apart splinter by splinter.

How effective is it? Well, this armor is so much better than what we puny humans possess that the U.S. Army is actively conducting research about it with the hope of developing new armor using the same build. Yes, this shell is so unbreakable that it caused the a military to lose their heads over a goddamn sea snail. Go figure.

Also, according to biologists researching the SFG, if we covered oil pipes with the stuff, they could easily shrug off damage done by such trivial things as fucking icebergs,

Not bad from a snail, I say.

But that’s not all! Look at it again.

There is a reason it’s called Scaly-foot Gastropod.

Those are scales. Made out of iron minerals.

Iron minerals that are poisonous and magnetic.

The scales are there because of the tooth-harpoon-hurling killer snails. Namely, they serve to deflect the harpoons entirely. Deflective iron scales. On a snail.

Holy crap.

So let’s sum it up, shall we? There exists a snail that forges itself a magnetic armor made out of poisonous iron ore to fend off killer crabs and venomous sniper snails that hunt it in its habitat of a vent leading to the Earth’s mantle.

Oh, and they don’t really eat anything, relying on their chemosynthetic bacteria for sustenance instead. In layman’s terms, that means that the snail keeps itself running by oxidating the sulphides in the water, all of which are lethally poisonous to most lifeforms, including the snail itself. The only reason it survives is that the bacteria chemosynthetize the sulphides, enabling the snail to quite literally live off of poison.

This molluscoid tank is ridiculously metal in more ways than one.

SNK 89 Summary EDITED AGAIN FOR A DIFFERENT, MORE RECENT TRANSLATION
  • Hanji: "The Attack Titan"
  • Eren: Huh?
  • Hanji: That's what you just did. You stared into the middle distance and said "The Attack Titan" without any prompting.
  • Armin: Well I guess he did do that.
  • Levi: Who gives a shit. He's 15. He's an edgelord. Of course he's going to stare into the middle distance and say dramatic shit.
  • Hanji: Also you're free to go. Let's go see the queen.
  • ---------------------------
  • Historia: Hey bitches.
  • Everyone: All hail the queen.
  • Historia: Jesus christ guys it's still me. No need for that. Also Let's go read Ymir's letter.
  • --------Ymir's letter--------
  • Ymir: Sup Historia. Reiner's letting me write this letter, but he's reading everything I write so I figure this is a good time to mention that Reiner will never, EVER get laid.
  • Ymir: Anyways, sorry I left you. I don't know what came over me.
  • Ymir: So basically here's my backstory. I used to be an orphan but this guy gave me the name Ymir. I started calling myself Ymir and everyone started worshipping my ass. But then some guys (read: Marley) came along and told me my ass was whack but I responded "Bitch my ass fine and also I'm a goddess" even though I wasn't.
  • Ymir: Not a goddess, that is. My ass fine.
  • Ymir: Anyways, they sent me to Paradis and made me into a Titan and yadda yadda you know the rest.
  • Ymir: They are probably going to kill me now. It was a good life, though. I'm happy with it.
  • Ymir: I do have one regret, though.
  • Ymir: I never got to marry you.
  • ----------Later that day---------
  • Zackley: Okay guys so we haven't revealed this info to the public yet. Lets go over it real quick and see if we can figure out what to do.
  • Hanji: So basically everyone in the world wants our asses dead.
  • Zackley: Well shit.
  • Hanji: Also, according to Eren's flashback:
  • ----------Eren's Flashback------------
  • OKay Fuck me I'm not sure exactly what this part is saying, but basically the mindless titans were used as military might by Eldians and now are used by Marley. The First King is using the titans to keep the Eldians in "Paradise", but believes that one day all of Eldia should be wiped out, lest it wage war again. One translation says the Marley want to control the titans, another one says they want to kill the titans so they can harvest resources from Paradis. For this goal they need the coordinate. There is a debate in Marley on whether or not to exterminate all Eldians or to use them as weapons. Kruger want Grisha to steal the coordinate so that this debate will open up again... for some reason. I'm waiting for a better translation.:
  • -----------Back to present day-------------
  • Zackley: So pretty much, if I'm understanding this, if a Reiss has the coordinate then we can't use the power, but if a non-Reiss has the coordinate we can't use the power.
  • Hanji: Ya
  • Eren: *Remembers he could use it when he touched smiling titan*
  • Eren: *Remembers smiling titan is Dina, and therefore royalty*
  • Eren: *Realizes if he tells people this they might make him eat Historia to merge with royal blood and unlock coordinate*
  • Eren: *Says nothing because he doesn't want Historia to die and let's be real she probably tastes terrible*
  • -----------Back to Eren's Flashback----------
  • Kruger: Grisha, when you get to the walls, start a family.
  • Grisha: And just betray Dina?
  • Kruger: Yeah boi
  • Kruger: You have to. Otherwise we will continue to repeat the same mistakes and the same history again and again.
  • Kruger: You have to do it if you want to save Mikasa and Armin.
  • Grisha: Who the fuck are Mikasa and Armin?
  • Kruger: I have no fucking clue. Why the fuck did I say that?
  • ----------Chapter End-------------------
  • Fandom: THE ACTUAL FUCK JUST HAPPENED
  • Fandom: NO REALLY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT MIKASA AND ARMIN WHAT THE FUCK
  • me: hello 911 yes something insane happened
  • 911: what is it
  • 911: wait
  • 911: are you that person who's called every wednesday for the past 9 weeks to scream about a show called yuuri on ice and how it made your heart stop
  • me: *crying* YES THEY ARE MARRIED NOW HOLY SHIT MY HEART JUST STOPPED FOR A SECOND BECAUSE IT WAS SO PURE AND LOVELY AND I-
  • 911: jesus chriSt CALM DOWN-
  • me: I CA N T

I just watched the gay pilot in its entirety for the first time in a long time and it absolutely blows me away how obviously gay they made Sherlock…and then I realize that all of the lines that blow me away DIDNT EVEN CHANGE when they went to ASIP…they just made john a little less obviously thirsty?

I mean: What. Exactly. Is. Your. Street. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST JOHN PUT IT BACK IN YOUR PANTS YOU HAVENT EVEN MADE IT TO ANGELOS YET

Anyways, here’s a meta, the gay pilot is really super fucking gay, thanks for coming to my ted talk

club penguin bans sentence starters
  • "i'm a fucking piece of pizza,"
  • "holy shit toto, we sure as fuck ain't in kansas anymore,"
  • "i ain't fucking with these christmas lights anymore,"
  • "why is the only angry one black?"
  • "get in loser, we're going sledding,"
  • "jesus fucking christ, that cookie hot as shit,"
  • "ah yes, my meth lab is ready,"
  • "i need this life vest 'cos i'm drowning in the pussy,"
  • "i could kill you right now, no one would wear you scream,"
  • "i could go back and pretend to be you,"
  • "fashion police, you're definitely under arrest,"
  • "you're tearing this family apart, ___"
  • "what do you mean you're being murdered? that's illegal, people can't do that,"
  • "i'm wanted for stealing yo girl/boy,"
  • "wanna hear a joke? your future,"
  • "i would like to order all the money,"
  • "when i see stars i think of you. because you're only beautiful from a distance,"
  • "do it for the vine,"
  • "you dress like an idiot,"
  • "girl/boy, are you because i want to take you out,"
  • "hey you forgot something. your social life,"
  • "help me hide this body in here,"
  • "did you just propose, using emojis?"
  • "do drugs they said. it will be fun they said,"
  • "it's called capitalism,"
  • "thank you for helping me commit cannibalism,"
  • "shit, we on national television,"
  • "bitch, throw one more snowball at me,"
  • "can you leave my house please?"
  • "i'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch,"
  • "can i pay you in swag?"
  • "excuse me, do you know where i can find the booty?"
  • "what the flipper?"
  • "santa isn't real,"
  • "what do penguins do in a race? they peng-win,"
  • "a milkshake ain't a goddamn pizza,"
  • "locked up because my eyebrow game was too strong,"
  • "man, look at all this fuckin' dope,"
  • "fuck it, i ain't running,"
  • "hey, do you wanna join my gang?"
  • "i'll ask my mom,"
  • "smooth as butter,"

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS IS MY PRECIOUS LOVE ALEXANDER LIGHTWOOD SERIOUSLY TAKING CONTROL AND GRABBING HIS BOYFRIEND’S SHIRT WHILST UNBUTTONING IT AND WALKING HIM BACKWARDS TO GOD KNOWS WHERE TO DO GOD KNOWS WHAT JESUS CHRIST ON A BIKE

Imagine Your OTP...
  • <p> <b>Person A:</b> This is a big ass teddy bear...<p/><b>Person B:</b> If you say yes next year's will be bigger...<p/><b>Person A:</b> You're serious?<p/><b>Person B:</b> You're the most beautiful little shit.<p/><b>Person C:</b> Jesus Christ...<p/><b>Person A:</b> What if I say no?<p/><b>Person B:</b> I'll fall into a ditch.<p/><b>Person A:</b> If we date I'll push you in a ditch.<p/><b>Person B:</b> As long as it's you I'll allow it.<p/><b>Person A:</b> Why do you want to date me?<p/><b>Person B:</b> I have a list of reasons I need you in my life, the main being both your inner and outer beauty always captives me.<p/><b>Person A:</b> I don't know if I should be flattered or intimated by the big words...<p/><b>Person B:</b> You also know all the words to High School Musical so we can go as Troy and Gabriella for Halloween.<p/><b>Person A:</b> Buy me Burger King and we binge watch Bob's Burgers tonight.<p/><b>Person B:</b> YES!<p/><b>Person C:</b> *coughs*<p/><b>Person B:</b> I mean yeah, cool, totally.<p/></p>

Lance: (walks into Keith’s room) Hey are you ready for the Halloween par- Jesus Christ dude!! The hell? You scared the shit out of me! Oh hey, great costume by the way.

Keith: (skin pale from lack of exposure to sun, bloodshot eyes with huge bags underneath from staying up for the last three days with Pidge, hair a mess and in face, horror movie shirt on (Chainsaw Massacre IV)) … what costume

  • Sorin: Motherfucking Hedron Wizards Jesus Christ fuck dude motherfuckin Hedron Network bullshit Jesus can you fucking believe this shit
  • Olivia Voldaren: I have no idea what we're talking about right now.
  • Sorin: God damn created Hedrons then fucking Eldrazi and shit right fucking Eldrazi Titans god damn eating the plane fuck yo shit I can't even fucking believe this shit have you seen this shit fuck I just watched this shit fuck Lithomancy man
  • Olivia: Sorin, you're scaring me.
  • Sorin: Motherfucking Kor Kor you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking built shit with this bare hands fucking best friend shit Lithomancer I'm very tired
  • Olivia: No problem, man. I'll just do most of the talking at the Vampire Party today.
  • Sorin: No man I'll just talk about the Hedron Network all day shit man you have to be so interested in the shit I have to say about the Hedron Network fuck dude I just watched it a Millenium and a half ago fuck Lithomancer man she fucked over Zendikar crazy Eldrazi Titans Ooh Gin Dragon did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented Hedrons I don't like dying I can't think of who the fuck invented Hedrons All I can think is who did the magic that invented Hedrons who the fuck invented Hedrons
  • Sorin: NAHIRI
How would “some of the members” react to listening to History Maker and watching an episode of YOI

HELLO EVERYONE MOD SAERAN HERE BEING HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST FINISH EATING CAKE *INTERNALLY SCREAMING* anyways here is a random HC for Yuri on Ice 


Saeran: *HIS POV*

  • “ Babe I swear to god shut that shit off.” He sighed. But he knew this song was on repeat every fucking Tuesday thru Thursday. JESUS Christ WHAT IS THE FUCKING HYPE OF THIS FUCKING ANIME!! She doesn’t even want to spend time with me. She just sits on the couch and watches it on her laptop. She has this thing. She does a marathon by herself on Tuesday. She looks for spoilers on a thing called Tumblr on Wednesday, she watches the dub which is EPISODES behind ( the stupid thing in English) in the morning then she watches raw around lunchtime and then she watches the episode with subs around dinner time. And throughout the whole FUCKING TIME SHE IS SCREAMING.
  • It’s not me making her scream. It’s this fucker called victuuri and yurio. Like what the fuck? What kind of names. I finally decided to sit down next to her and slowly asked her “ Babe….. what is Yuri on I-” she fucking ran to the freezer pulled out ice cream and shoved it to me. She went on google and typed the names of the three main characters. Okay. So it’s a tall Zen looking guy, a guy , and another guy who looks like a pist off yoosung. Okay this should be interesting. She showed me the first episode and hmm. Still don’t see the hype.
  • * 6 EPISODES LATER* Hi my name is Saeran and I am a Yuri on Ice addict. My favorite character is Yurio because he is literally me. We reached episode 7 and the only reaction this show had given me is so many emotions within me. I will not let my girlfriend see me enjoying this anime.
  • *Yuri AND Victor kiss* HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY MADE HISTORY OH MY GOD BABE OH MY GOD *THROWS ICE CREAM* WE MAKE IT HAPPEN WE TURN IT AROUND YES WE WERE BORN TO MAKE HISTORY CAN YOU HEAR MY HEARTBEAT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD BABE * I looked back at her and she was recording *
  • She was recording me the whole time
  • This is the story of how I got 10 million views on YouTube because everyone supposedly love my reaction………..
  • never…… again,….

Yoosung: * his pov*

  • YOURSELF YOU ARE UNSTOPPABLE WHERE YOUR DESTINY LIIIEEEESSSSS * gets shampoo bottles and squeezes shampoo out and shampoos hair* DAAANNCCINNGG ON THE BLADEEEESSS!! YOU SET MY HEAAARTT ON FIIIIIRREEEEEE!!!
  • BABE WHERE ARE YOU I NEED MY PARTNER IN CRIMES HELP * you heard bags being put down and your heard fast footsteps. Door is drastically open*
  • Yoosung: DONT STOP US NOW THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
  • You and him: WE WERE BORN TO MAKE HISSSTORRRRYYYYY
  • You: WE’LL MAKE IT HAPPEN WE’LL TURN IT AROUND
  • You and Him: YES WE WERE BORN TO MAAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEEE HIISSSSTORRRYY
  • You: Baby hurry up it’s going up in 10 MINS!!! I already bought lunch for us!!
  • God damn I love Wednesdays. I finished my shower quickly and dried myself and put on boxers and just ran to her.
  • *episode 8* *victor kissed YURIS FUCKING SKATES*
  • Yoosung: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD BABE * both of you guys grabbed each other’s hand and FUCKING fan girled* they. Need. To. Get. Married.
  • *end of the episode*
  • Yoosung: MAAAKKKKKAAAACHIIIIINNNNN MAAAAKKKAAAAACHIIIN WHYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

Seven: *His POV*

  • *cosplays Georgi Popovich* MY DEAR ANYA WHERE ARE YOU!!! MY PERFORMANCE WILL START SOON
  • you: *cosplays Christophe Giacometti* *starts dancing around sexually* *takes a leap and lands on the floor with your head tilted back* I I think I’m going to come again
  • Seven: ANYA I WILL SAVE YOU MY LOVE AS I ALWAYS PROMISED YOU
  • When he was running to you he notice you were laughing and he knew it was because of the makeup. He picked you up and kissed your forehead and danced your way to his laptop.
  • You placed your S/O on your lap and and waited for it to start. You got the other laptop ready to download so when the episode is down you can upload all the best gifs on tumblr
  • You loved how you can be yourself around your s/o because both of you literally scream HISTORY maker
  • You guys were screaming at literally everything. The whole show is full of screams because of you two. When you saw Yurio missed his first triple axel you fucking cried. Your Christophe had to comfort you.
  • When MAKKACHIN might die you had to comfrot your Christophe
  • Y'all were serious goals TBH
  • Because it was a different cosplay every Wednesday and it was a fucking tradition in the house

Jumin: *your POV*

  • “Jumin….. please watch it with me :/”
  • “ I rather spend my time counting Elizabeth 3rds shedding hair again and compare the angle of it rather than seeing a man name YURI just standing there on ice. How can commoners like watching a man just be there on ice.”
  • “JUMIN ITS MORE THAN THAT. ITS ABOUT A MAN NAME YURI TRYING TO GET BACK TO HIS FAV SPORT BUT THE POOR MAN HAS A HARD TIME DEALING WITH PRESSURE AND HIS IDOL VICTOR COACHES HIM AND MAGIC. FUCKING. HAPPENS.” You went to GOT get your phone and turned on HISTORY MAKER.
  • “The song is catchy I must say but I just don’t want to watch it. Sorry my love”
  • “ Fine whatever, you won’t get sex till the season is over.” You walked away pist because he always didn’t want to watch your fav anime with you. You grabbed your MacBook from the shared master bedroom and went to the guest bedroom and got the speakers out connected it to the computer so you can be surrounded with YOI. stupid Jumin.
  • Jumin felt bad because you always did what he wanted to do so he went to the master bedroom to apologize and cuddle with you but you weren’t fucking there.
  • “CAN YOU HEAR MY HEARTBEAT” he heard the music coming from the guest bedroom and he saw Elizabeth 3rd going to the guest bedroom. He slowly walked there and he saw you dancing it. He never seen you so lost into the music. He felt horrible for refusing to see the thing that made you happy. He went to you and gave you a big hug and he sat down and you showed him each and every single episode
  • “ I’m sorry but YURI P. Is my favorite. Did you see his previous feline. He is my favorite.” You laughed because he was getting more and more into it.
  • *episode 7* you were freaking out because of the kiss and he was confused ? Like okay he thought Victor and Yuri made an excellent couple but how come they didn’t show the kiss? He was rather confused till you explained to him about the stupid censorship. He notice you were quite upset.
  • *next wednesday* THEY WERE HAVING A FUCKING HOUR SPECIAL. It was a rerun with them showing Victor and YURI kissed and in episode 8 while YURI grabbed victor tie after the whole LOVE speech he gave victor a kiss near his lips and you were dying and you saw the credits were changed with C&R INTERNATIONAL. and you looked at him next to you and you fucking gave him sex listening to born to make history. Because this man gave the fandom what they want

Zen: *his POV*

  • YALL are always arguing for spelling. Y'all SHIP the same ship but you say Viktuuri and he says VICTUURI. He says it’s Victor not VIKTOR. You say is Yuri K and then Yuuri P he says the opposite. That’s the main fights from Monday Thru Wednesday.  
  • He actually does the programs really similar and he literally looks like he is about to skate in real life but boy is just dancing to the song. You love him because he literally performs HISTORY MAKER for you every single Wednesday. He dances and sings to it and you decided to record him one day and he posted it up on his blog and he became even more famous LOL
  • his favorite is Victor because he says that Victor has every right to be confident and to show it in every performance xD
  • When the kiss happened. You thought the reaction videos were hilarious but this MAN STARTED TO BURST OUR CRYING AND HE PERFORMED HISTORY MAKER AND YOU RECORDED EVERYTHING AND HE GOT 1827482920101373737281 VIEWS
  • HE WAS MAKING YOUTUBE HISTORY

V:

  • he actually introduce you to the anime because you always seen him on the computer just losing it every Wednesday.
  • You asked him what he was watching and before he told you… he made you listen a song. It was a song called history maker. You actually fucking loved it. And he said you pass the test and INTRODUCED YOU TO EVERYBODY!!!
  • He made you watch the episode Dub ( to where it reached) and sub and you were falling in love. You were entering the gates of Yuri on Ice HELL.
  • By the second episode you notice
  • V IS FUCKING VIKTOR. YOU PUT A GRAY WIG ON HIM AND MADE HIM WEAR SUNGLASSES AND YOU TOOK A PICTURE AND SHIT WENT VIRAL.
  • REAL
  • LIFE
  • VIKTOR
  • he didn’t see it at ALL
  • till episode 8 where VIKTOR WORE THE SUNGLASESS
  • HE WAS SHOOK
  • he felt honored that he resemble an amazing character !?!!!!!?
  • He was so happy that he PROMISE he will wear the VIKTOR outfit for you every Wednesday :’D
WITCH AU’S
  • “i cant believe you got us kicked out of another coven, dude, you gotta quit stepping on peoples familiars”
  • “you know, when i signed up for this expedition to finish this spell you didnt say we’d be trecking through the bitter wilderness with candles and creatures chasing us, what the fuck, dude”
  • “im a newbie witch and this is my first ritual and i was all excited to see herbs and salts and boiling cauldrons not tHIS JESUS CHRIST—THATS ALOT OF BLOOD
  • “for the last time, you cant have a tiger as your familiar” 
  • “look theres a reason why we do our rituals in private, things can get out of hand and sometimes we spit up blood, its not like we mean to do it. knock next time.”
  • “and, when that happens dont go around scaring the living shit out of people, jesus stacy, this is why people think we’re satanic”
  • “okay look, im as commitied to this lifestyle as anyone else but do you not see how expensive this shit is? and where the hell am i going to find a sabertooth fang? what, do i have to rob a museum??”
  • “we’re gonna rob a museum. c’mon it’ll be easy, we have our spellbook. we won’t get caught”
  • “so you’re saying you broke into the museum to steal a sabertooth fang and a thigh bone from an extinct bird…for a luck spell?/ yes, officer.”
  • “you hexed me because i made fun of the way you eat so now my tastebuds hate everything i put in my mouth and so I’m either gonna starve or eat this shit you call chocolate, i hate you so much”
  • “youre this sweet looking cutie that i always see walking through the outdoor department looking for flowers, and you always ask if you can check everything out here, which happens to be a lot of bloody meat and candles and knives and….you know my mother always told me the devil would look like an angel”
  • “you convinced me that our last apartment was haunted by throwing drawers open and breaking glasses whenever i came home, but it turns out you just didnt like the neighbors and wanted an excuse to move”
  • “you stumbled across my alter and before i could scare the everliving shit out of you to keep your mouth shut, you turned around, scoffed, and bragged that yours looked so much better”
  • “cmon babe you know i hate it when you tell the future, you stop breathing and you freeze up and your eyes literally roll to the back—STOP IT EW I HATE U SO MUCH––UGH QUIT LAUGHING YOU SHIT”
  • “my dreams…when i see people, it says who they truly are
    • and what does it say about me
      • it says youre a lying bitch for stealing my sandalwood incense from Nepal, stacy, my tarantula saw you come in my room—give it back”
Right Through The Heart

Our party is fighting a vampire spawn in a doorway. Tiefling is aiming to throw a wooden stake through the heart using telekinesis.

Tiefling: Okay, I’ve got +7 on this, so theres no way I can– *rolls a 3* –….Okay Noah (witcher) can I use one of your (4) inspiration die.

Witcher: Yeah sure.

Tiefling: *rolls a 3*… *rolls a 2* uh…. Should we…?

Witcher: Ummmmmm… Y'know what sure.

Tiefling: *rolls a 1* Jesus christ…

Witcher: AGAIN!!

Tiefling: *rolls a 1*

The Party: *loses shit*

DM (me): *about to vomit from laughing*

Our Bitter and Spiteful Wizard: Wanna use my Portend roll now?

2

In the Teen Wolf fandom we don’t say :

“is this what heaven looks like because wow that’s so beautiful I’m living but actually not anymore”

We say: “Stydia”

.

listen up this is why i hate this book the secret history 

  • goddamn HENRY WINTER (what kind of name is that jesus christ) who translated like three books before he turned 18 and plotted to murder a classmate using mushrooms (MUSHROOMS) knew jack shit about the moon landings
  • “when did this happen?? how did they get there???” i swear to god
  • francis abernathy with his even fancier name sitting on a windowsill eating cherries straight out of a jar 
  • admits he doesn’t even like them while still eating them
  • henry winter gardens?? what the fuck
  • these are the most pretentious fuckers on earth i hate them so much i love them so much i just
  • bunny corcoran is a pie thief someone report him to the authorities
  • PALAZZO. THEY ARGUED ABOUT MURDER WHILE IN A PALAZZO IN ROME
  • endless supply of cigarettes goddamn
  • do we all hate bunny?? do we all love bunny?? who fuckign knows
  • bunch of fucking teenagers running around in bed sheets and shit in the vermont countryside 
  • did they actually have an orgy??? henry never answered that. i want to know
  • nobody tells bunny anything
  • nobody tells richard anything
  • nobody tells anybody anything
  • richard sitting there like a kid who walked in on his parents having sex when charles and camilla did the thing in the kitchen
  • did henry actually collect plants from around the murder site or did i dream that
  • richard: i love you. camilla: thank you. richard: i love you so much. camilla: thank you so much
  • pretentious fucks
Atheism: Real Life VS Christian Movies

Real life:

“Did you go to that church downtown last week?”

“Never have, actually. I’m an atheist.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No biggie. What happened?”

“Well, the funniest thing happened last Sunday…”

Christian movies:

“Did you go to that church downtown last week?”

“NO I DIDN’T!!! I’M AN ATHEIST YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT!!! YOU RELIGIOUS PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN ANNOYING, SHOVING YOUR FUCKIN’ RELIGION DOWN OUR THROATS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET!!! GO ROT IN THE HELL THAT DOESN’T EXIST, YOU THEIST GARBAGE!!!!!1!!1!!1!!”

Our BD likes to fuck around with us sometimes and make us sit in randomly assigned seats next to random instruments aND IF I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO A TRUMPET ONE MORE TIME I’M GONNA BLOW MY SHIT BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST WHY THE FUCK DO THEY EXIST LIKE FUCKING WHO WENT SO FAR DOWN THE FUCKERY TRAIN THEY DECIDED TO MAKE TRUMPETS WHY ON EARTH WOULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME @realdonaldtrumpet
WHAT THE SHIT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT DO YOU HAVE AN EXPLANATION