Today I went for a drive on the search of the newest Vanity Fair Magazine that has Carrie Fisher on the cover. The most beautiful, elegant, absolutely stunning photograph of her I have ever seen.
It was beautiful out. I was able to drive without my sweater, with the windows down or even cracked, blasting music and it was just me and the road. Had I not had my mom’s car and responsibilities…I would’ve kept driving and get outta Chicago\Indiana since I was headed to good ol Munster.
Anyway, I searched for it, no luck. Went to three other stores and had no luck. I was starting to accept defeat. Realized I’ll just suck it up and order it online and not be able to examine the cover and pages personally.
I got home, mom asked if I wanted to go with her and my aunt to Macy’s. Y’know, so they can shop for shit. I was like ‘eh ok’. Might as well, right? I knew I wasn’t going to see the guys today because of last nights event. [oh hey….I got a black jean jacket for cheap. Summer’s approaching but ya girl gotta have a nice black jean jacket]
Outside I go. I asked my uncle if he could google some searches and places to find the magazine for me since I won’t be home and my phone was near death. Turns out, the magazine doesn’t come out until June 6th.
Shit you not though, I saw people with a fucking copy already!
Anyway, I’ll get it soon then.
I tried this little number on because I have a wedding [sort of] to go to and I was like “uhh….do I have to wear a dress?” because I’m not a girly girl. but let me tell you:
Taking my clothes off in the dressing room, it was the first time I wasn’t disgusted with what I saw. I always hate how my body looks inside those rooms. Everything is so well lit and you can see the indents from my belt or my pants hugging me or even my bra if it was tight against my skin.
Once I zipped this little number all the way up, my mom came to see how it looked and I looked down at my stomach and it wasn’t sticking out as it always does and I was in shock. I looked up at the mirror again and I saw my waistline and how my boobs looked. My mom loved it, so did my aunt. I turned to my mother and I circle my belly and go: “See? See? you can’t tell me you don’t see it” – and what I’m referring to is the weight loss.
I’ve been dieting since late April and it’s already late May. I was stuck at the same weight for a while. I’m not 10 pounds lighter but I’m close and she was basically giving me shit for it. So that’s why I’m like “see?”.
I can tell in my face actually, which is a fucking DELIGHT.
I did however, see myself in another mirror with my regular street clothes back on and didn’t care for some things I seen but I know it could be worse and I’m not beating myself up over it because I had a shit ton of beer this weekend and pizza.
I don’t know.
I need work but I did enjoy the way this dress made me feel a few hours ago.
I’m just happy I didn’t hate how my body looked in a full length, well lit, crystal clear mirror.
I’ve got ways to go…but….I don’t know.
There’s also something about how positive someone is in your life, about you, that makes you feel good. Like….’you love the parts of me I don’t.’
P\S YOU’RE ALL FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.