jersey-sweaters

anonymous asked:

Hey how are you going? I wad wondering how the chocobros and Cor would react to an androgynous female S/O? I ask mostly because I'm very fluid with how I look and often dress masculinely as well as femininely depending on how I feel. It often got to the point that a lot of people thought I was a different person and a lot of guys didn't like it since it made them feel 'gay'. Whixh makes me feel a little sad cause I feel comfortable like this and a lot of them didnt want to date me afterwards...

Hey there! <3 Girl, I feel you… there are days where I love my loose baggy t-shirts and shapeless jeans, and then there are days I like wearing my cute skirts and stockings so this request is right up my alley! Hope short drabbles/headcanon paragraphs are okay! :D

Tagging: @xalexanderxkozachenkox, @blindbae, @itshaejinju, @the-lucian-archives, @lady-asuka, @cupnoodle-queen, @asendioncosplay, @alicemoonwonderland, @stunninglyignis and @rubyphilomela <3

PERMALINK: https://themissimmortal.tumblr.com/post/160477260425/hey-how-are-you-going-i-wad-wondering-how-the


Noctis: Noctis Lucis Caelum… *sigh* this boy, really doesn’t care at all about how you dress. What he really likes about you is the way you seem comfortable in your own skin. He likes that you look equally as friendly and charming in his stolen clothes as well as your own cute little outfit ensembles. He likes that you own a countless amount of basketball jerseys and large sweaters. He adores the fact that you can wear a leather jacket and pull off the ‘stay the hell away from me’ look, as well as the ‘I am a sexy biker chick’ look depending on how you accessorise. But of course, this guy will not overtly tell you ANY of this. The clues lie in the way he smiles at you, that stupid little lop-sided smile he gives you whenever he sees you. You’re so used to it, you think that he doesn’t stay with you because he’s physically attracted to you, but because he’s got an attraction for the person inside. Now, while you think that’s all sweet and cute and amazingly deep, you can’t help but feel a little insecure about Noctis and his lack of reaction about the way you look and dress. Seriously though, DON’T WORRY! Noctis is really attracted to you- his midnight blue eyes always linger on you a second too long whenever you’re in close proximity to him, and his heart beat… gosh- it goes absolutely INSANE when he sees you walk into a room- because no matter what you wear or how you look, Noctis thinks you’re smoking hot!


Prompto: Prompto thinks it’s really cool that you have a really versatile fashion sense. There will be times that he tries to coordinate outfits with you, but he’s always complaining about how you’re always the ‘cooler looking’ one. Prompto adores going shopping with you because he knows that you’re not going to be caught up in all the ‘girly’ stores. He also loves to take pictures of you and all your super cool outfits. But gosh, when you dress up all fancy, pulling out the heels and the cute skirts and blouses, this boy’s freckles stand out as a stark contrast to his extremely red blush. Admittedly, you often like to dress femininely just to see your adorable boyfriend have mini heart attacks during your dates because he’s absolutely smitten with you. However, gosh, when you pull him close and wrap your arms tenderly around his shoulders while you’re dressed a little more on the masculine side, Prompto’s practically melting from the inside out. You’re seriously one of the coolest people he’s ever met and he can’t believe that you’re willing to be seen with HIM in public- being all lovely-dovey and couple-like out in the open for everyone to see. And that, in itself, is the thing that Prompto loves the most about you- you’re willing to be with him no matter what.


Gladio: Admittedly, Gladio was a little confused when he’d first seen you dress down in your ‘comfortable’ clothes. He’d asked you if you’d forgotten to do your laundry, and that had resulting in a terrible fight, which ended in both tears and guilt. Since that time, Gladio learned not to comment overtly on your rather versatile fashion sense. As a matter of fact, he began to appreciate the different sides of yourself that you tended to showcase with the different ways that you dressed. He’d drag you down to the gym when you were dressed down in casual, baggy sportswear, overtly excited that he had a gym buddy while you would pull and tug on his arm in protest, knowing full well that you would be sore for days after a ‘Gladiolus Amicitia Special’ workout. Honestly, the first time he mentioned that particular workout, you had thought you were in for some sweet lovin’. Damn it, were you wrong about that! On the contrary, whenever you dressed cutely in blouses, denim shorts and flats, Gladio preferred to take you out for walks. When you’d ask him why the two of you weren’t going to the gym like usual, Gladio would just smile down at you and shrug. “You’re not dressed for it babe.” Seriously, Gladio really doesn’t care about what you look like- as long as you can take his odd sense of humour and keep up even a little with his active lifestyle, then you are perfect to him!


Ignis: Ignis finds your versatility interesting. The first time you had met Ignis, you were dressed to the nines in a ball gown and fingerless black lace gloves. He could not take his eyes off you, and that was probably the reason why you and Ignis were together today. Ignis had always liked the way you were able to look both elegant and strong at the same time. He liked the way that you were able to command the attention of everyone in any particular room with a simple movement. Honestly, the man was smitten with you. Ignis absolutely fell in love with the way you were able to command his attention with you every movement, without even having to wear anything provocative. Seriously, you could be wearing a loosely fit male shirt and some baggy jeans, and Ignis would think you were the sexiest woman in the world. Ignis loves you for you and not for what you wear. He likes to see you comfortable and he wants nothing more than to see you happy- and if that versatile, comfortable fashion sense of yours made you look a little more masculine that usual, then that was absolutely fine with Ignis. Again, as long as you were happy, Ignis was happy.


Cor: Let’s be honest here- Cor doesn’t care about how you dress. Cor admires your dedication to yourself and others and is also incredibly impressed with your intelligence. Your laid back approach towards every problem you face makes Cor envious of you- and a little part of him practically screams out at him, asking him why on Eos you chose to be with HIM of all people on the planet. He’s envious of the fact that you seem incredibly comfortably in your own skin, as demonstrated by the versatile manner in which you express yourself creatively with your fashion. Cor can only wish to be as comfortable in his own skin as you are in yours. You usually catch Cor smiling slightly when you answer the door wearing edgy male clothing. Cor smiles because he actually likes the fact that your dress sense can make his job as your boyfriend easier sometimes… Cor usually dreads heading out with you when you dress up for him in skirts, stockings and Mary Jane heels. He doesn’t like the fact that other men start to ogle you when you’re with him. Cor Leonis, surprisingly, gets bitten by the jealousy bug quite often. As such, Cor is usually very smug as he walks around down with his arm casually slung over yours, freely moving through crowds and not paying people much mind when they point and whisper at the two of you for being ‘improper’. Cor usually smirks and presses gently kisses against your cheeks, letting people think what they want to think about himself and your androgynous appearance. As long as other men weren’t ogling you, Cor was fine with anything else society threw both your ways. And similarly, you held the same belief. As long as you were with Cor- you were absolutely fine.

Brendan Gallagher - Number Eleven

anon request:  Brendan Gallagher. Where you meet him at the end of a game and you guys hit it off, something cute like that thankss!

This is the quickest ive ever updates two imagines!!

keep sending in your lovely requests:))

Originally posted by letsgosteala

“y/n please” my best friend begged through the phone. her boyfriend bailed on her at then last minute and she decided to call me. where exactly does she want me to go you may be wondering. 

she wants me to go to a hockey game. i am the girl who considers shopping a sport so im not exactly cut out for the cold of the arena. 

“i dont know y/f/n, hockey isnt really my sport” i sighed into the phone. she made a loud huffing noise on the other side of the phone, i heard the sound of a door close. 

“listen here y/n y/l/n, i will be over in ten minutes you better have yourself all prettied up and ready to wear a montreal canadiens jeresey. you will come and have fun” she demanded. 

i nodded although she couldnt see me she knew she had won. the phone line went dead and i took that as my que to begin getting ready. i walked in my room and put on a pair of black skinny jeans and a white hoodie. i put my hair up in a messy ponytail and lastly placed my glasses on my face. 

a knock sounded from the door of my apartment and i quickly answered it. y/f/n didnt even greet me she just walked in and threw a red jersey at my face. “wear this, lets go game starts soon” she said already out the door. 

i looked at the jersey. number eleven. gallagher. i didnt know who that was nor will i ever but i just put the jersey on over my sweater and pulled out the hood, i then followed after y/f/n.



“so remind me why i agreed to come?” i asked as we pulled up to the overly packed bell centre. y/f/n sighed and shook her head. “just enjoy it y/n, i know you will have fun.“ 

y/f/n led the way through the arena, we stopped and got some cotton candy, pizza, and waters. after we made our way to the seats i realized just how good they are. you dont have to know then sport to know these were definitely expensive. 

i could see a swarm of red skating by. i tried to look for number eleven but i couldnt spot him anywhere. "y/f/n, wheres the guy whose jersey im wearing?” i asked. she looked up from her phone and pointed behind a tall guy wearing the number 27 with a jersey identical to hers. 

“over there” she said with a small laugh ringing from her words. he was lacking height compared to the rest of the guys on the ice but really they were all ridiculously tall. he had a big smile on his face and he was obviously laughing at something the number 27 has said. 

“what’s his name?” i asked my eyes not leaving him as he began to skate, i noticed an A on his jersey. “and what does the A mean?” i asked suddenly interested in the sport. the loud music and cheers was almost deafening but i could still mange to hear her answer. 

“his name is brendan gallagher and the A means assistant captain, he’s important is an easy way to say it” she said smiling as my eyes followed him. i watched him the whole warmup he looked fun and out going even though there is much pressure when playing at this high of a level. 

as he skated by he was looking into the crowd. “look he’s skating by” y/f/n pointed at him. that caught his eye. brendan looked at you guys and smiled. at least it looked like he smiled at us but i still felt my heart jump, this man is a hockey player and one i won’t ever know. 

“y/n gally has a crush on you!” y/f/n sung as number eleven grabbed a puck. i let out a loud laugh, “yeah okay.” she nodded with a stupid smile on her face. “your nuts” i laughed, “he was probably just looking at the crowd smiling” i shook my head. 

“oh!” y/f/n yelled hitting my shoulder one to many times for my liking. “here he comes!” she had a big smile on her face as he threw a puck over the glass. it landed right in front of my seat. i bent down grabbing the puck and looking up at the glass to meet the eyes of number eleven. 

i smiled and although he couldn’t hear me i still yelled a thank you to him which received a wink back. he skated away as the time on the warmups clock was coming to an end. i watched the number eleven disappear down the dark tunnel. 

“oh my goodness!” y/f/n squealed. “he’s so into you! you guys would look so cute together” though it was the most unrealistic and girly thing y/f/n has said it still managed to bring a smile to my face, the kind that doesn’t go away no matter how much you want it to. 

as the game started i found myself cheering for montreal and cheering even louder when that damn number eleven found the back of the net. when brendan scored i jumped to my feet cheering at the top of my lungs, y/f/n, the buzzer, and the fans around all cheering with you. 

this really was a game like no other and i did find myself enjoying it. once it was over, montreal winning 4-2 y/f/n and i decided to leave after the three stars were announced, number eleven was one of them. it was the cutest when he gave the hockey stick he played the game with to the little boy on the other side of the glass.

as we were walking towards the car after a stressful and crowded fifteen minutes of trying to get to the car, y/f/n began looking around her purse frantically and then hitting all of her pockets. 

“either i lost my keys or i left them at our seats” she finally looked up when she gave up thinking they would magically appear in her pockets or purse. i sighed, “i’ll go run in and get them in faster than you” i shook my head and began jogging back the way we had come out. 

the arena had cleared up quite quickly in only half hour. i found our seats with some help from some of the workers and i looked around it seeing the keys until i looked in the cup holder. i shook my head laughing. classic y/f/n. 

i grabbed the keys and began jogging back to where the exit was. as i was running my attention was grabbed by another hockey game that appeared on the large tv screen. toronto the blue team and pittsburgh the white team. i shook my head snapping my train of though and began walking forward when i crashed into something hard. or should i say someone hard.

“oh- oh my gosh are you okay?” i asked trying to gain balance. i heard a masculine voice let out a laugh and i felt two hands steadying me. “i should be asking you that” i finally looked up and was met with the same winking eyes from the ice. 

i laughed nervously, “yeah i’m okay” i smiled looking away. i could see him nod from the corner of my eye. “uh i’m brendan by the way” he managed to stick his hand out in the little space that was between us. i took his hand shaking it.
“y/n” i smiled shyly. 

“that’s a pretty name for a pretty girl” he smiled down at me. i already knew who he was and maybe just maybe he could remember who i was. 

“your more talented on the ice then you are at flirting” i took a step backwards smiling at the man in front of me. he was taken by surprise but quickly recovered a smile forming on his face. 

“let me see the puck i have you” he held out his hand and pulled something out of his pocket. i grabbed the put from the pocket in my sweater and i handed it to brendan. i noticed he pulled out a sharpie.

i handed him the puck and he signed something on there and handed it back. i looked down at the puck and read the writing. 

“i’m expecting a text or a call y/n” he smiled. i began to back up and i responded before walking away, “be patient number eleven, it’ll happen eventually” i laughed walking away. 

i could hear him laugh behind me, “i want that puck back one day y/n” he shouted as i was already down the hall. i smiled to no one in particular and found my way back to the parking lot where y/f/n was standing there with an annoyed expression on her face. 

“i could have walked home by now” she rolled her eyes as i threw her the keys. i just shook my head looking down at the puck. one day brendan. one day.

things-of-the-zodiac  asked:

Buenas noches 🌜, dime, ¿Quiénes dedicarían la canción "Sweater weather" de The neighbourhood, y qué signos la recibirían? 🌚😍🙊🙌💅💜👑💎

Y todo lo que soy es un hombre, quiero el mundo en mis manos, odio la playa, pero me quedo en California con los dedos de pies en la arena, uso las mangas de mi jersey (me arremango, me las bajo?) vamos a tener una aventura, la cabeza en las nubes,  pero mi (centro de) gravedad, centrado. Acaricias mi cuello y yo acariciaré el tuyo, tú vestida con esos pequeños pantalones cortos de cintura alta. Oh, ella sabe lo que estoy pensando, y lo que estoy pensando: Un amor, dos bocas, un amor, una casa, sin camisa, sin blusa, solo nosotros, tú te das cuenta, no hay nada que realmente quiera decirte, porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey (para que no tengas frío) Antes de que pueda dejarte sin aliento, no me importa, porque ahora quizás tenga que decir, (que) algunas veces el silencio guía tu mente, así que muévete a un lugar tan lejano, los escalofríos empiezan a correr (goosebump), en el momento en el que mi mano izquierda  se encuentra con tu cintura, y entonces veo tu rostro, pongo mi dedo sobre tu lengua porque te encanta saborearlo, este corazón es una puerta, preparada para ser tocada por el (corazón) de otro. Aquí dentro se está caliente, fuera, empieza a llover con fuerza. Descendiendo, un amor, dos bocas, un amor, una casa, sin camisa, sin blusa, solo nosotros, tú te das cuenta, no hay nada que realmente quiera decirte, porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío, hace demasiado frío. Los agujeros de mi jersey. The Neighbourhood - Sweater weather - Tiempo de jersey

Dafadfa adoro está canción 💜

De: Escorpio, Libra , Géminis, Sagi, Aries, Leo y Acuario. Para: Cancer, Capri , Piscis, Virgo y Tauro. Según yo :v Lina ♊

shy-blue-luv  asked:

Well, hello. I'm almost 2m tall and have an immense struggle finding fairy kei stuff my size so do you know where to get fabrics (jersey or sweater stuff) that's printed? So far I only found one-coloured stuff (sorry my English kinda sucks) and is size something to keep in mind designing an outfit. Kinda collides with the cute thing doesn't it? ^^"

Hello! I’d recommend checking out my plus size tag, since I link many places which provide cute designs in larger sizing AKA longer lengths! If you’re worried about skirts being too short, perhaps invest in a cute under-skirt.

If you’re wanting custom fabric for DIY, this site has tons of cute designs! I’ll reblog my post on Remake items to inspire you~

Everyone can be cute, including you~

I hope that helps♡

squashedmandarins  asked:

Cute fluffy long term relationship hc with Kageyama if possible💙

lasdgk This is my jam~


Kageyama Tobio

  • No matter how long they have been dating, this poor blueberry will still be a tsundere
  • Complements towards or from him will leave him a blushing mess, his words coming out rushed and scrambled together.
  • Also won’t out right ask for something, but he’ll hit at it,
  • Like if he wants to hold hands he’ll bush his and against his S/o’s.
  • Loves, loves, loves to be praised by his S/o.
  • No matter what he did, hearing the words ‘you are/were amazing Tobio’ or ‘I love you’ leave his S/o’s lips, make’s his heart skip a beat
  • He’ll be more comfortable around his s/o over time
  • He loves to cuddle
  • He is also almost always the big spoon, loving the way his S/o fits into his arms and being able to nuzzling into their hair, taking in the scent of their shampoo
  • But he will be the small spoon if he’s having a bad day or just wants to be held
  • Tobio secretly loves the way his S/o looks in his jersey/sweater, he will purposely leave his clothing at their house just to see them in it.
  • Surprisingly he’s a pretty good cook, so he likes to spend some weekends with his S/o in the kitchen, cooking random things to see how it turns out.

I hope you like them <3 I got a little too carried away~

reasons why you should watch home at the end of the world
  • colin farrell being ADORABLE with a baby and doing the grabby bear paw thing
  • colin being unapologetically bi/pan
  • his character is seriously the sweetest thing in the world who loves everyone and is so caring and REALLY LIKES asking people to dance with him HE’S SO INNOCENT
  • COLIN AS A BAKER/COOK actual cinnamon roll who makes cinnamon rolls
  • baby-faced colin
  • colin wearing cute sweaters and jerseys and rainbow hats
  • colin being cute and singing and air guitaring in the car

Things the Fox Girls do that I (and my teammates) have done:

  • excitedly show off bruises received during games and practices
  • poke said bruises that friend is showing off, somehow it turns into a competition of who has the biggest ‘battle wound’
  • casually call each other pet-names like babe and sweetheart
  • pat each other on the butt after a good play or for encouragement
  • stay up late together after games and tell scary stories or talk about deep existential things
  • sing loudly and off-key on the bus ride to and from games
  • got together and made tie-dye shirts then got those iron on numbers and letters to put our numbers and names on them
  • trade jerseys, sweaters, shirts, pretty much any type of clothing all the time
  • lend socks when someone forgot to bring some all while knowing the probability of seeing those socks returned is less than 10%
  • make bags of candy/goodies to toss out to the crowd (maybe have a small area where they can hand stuff out to the kids that came to the games)
  • TAKE SELFIES ALL THE FREAKING TIME. just before a game? Selfie. after a won game? selfie. eating after a game? selfie. working out? wipe the sweat off your brow, bitch, it’s selfie time.
  • alternatively, also take pictures of someone when they fall asleep with their mouth wide open
  • cuddle together on long bus rides together, it’s comfy
  • Hide around corners and beneath/in things only to pop out and scare the crap out of each other
  • get excited about team pictures and then take the most creative pictures. (arranging the balls in a heart shape, someone is definitely being carried)
  • Teach the game to younger kids, like middle schoolers or kids in grade school
  • Make up elaborate cheers that are slightly embarrassing for everyone involved
Newt x reader :: There for You

Request: Can you do one where the reader and newt are trying to have a baby but she goes through a horrible miscarriage? I know that’s dark but…..

Notes: BECAUSE I LIKE TORTURING MYSELF. But really–I wrote this sitting here drinking beer and sniffling. Thank you for the request, though, life can’t all be sunshine and rainbows and hippogriffs. Words: 1,773

!! WARNING: some graphic description of miscarriages and the mental trauma that follows !!

Originally posted by theinfernalfandoms

Originally posted by fourteenyearswithpain

You shot up in bed. Instantly, a stabbing pain clawed its way from your lower stomach to your thighs. You tried to swing your leg out of bed to get up, but the pain shot through you again. “Ah,” you couldn’t help but groan with a sharp breath.

Newt’s eyes fluttered open next to you and within moments he knew something was wrong. He rubbed his eyes with his hands, shaking off the fog of sleep.

“What’s wrong, (y/n)?” he said sitting up, alarm in his voice.

“I…I don’t know. I’m just in a lot of pain.”

“Where? What hurts?”

“Here,” you whispered, rubbing your lower belly.

Newt jumped out of bed and immediately ran over to your side. He rolled up his pajama sleeves and knelt beside you, brushing his fingertips gently on your abdomen, “Just here?”

“Yes. And a little on my back, too.”

You held still as Newt slowly lifted your nightdress to expose the swollen skin underneath. You both realized at the same time that your hem was stained slightly red, and you shifted a little to see blood pooling on sheets where you had been laying.

“Oh…” you suddenly felt very faint.

Newt inhaled sharply and thinking quickly, jumped back to his feet.

“We have to get you to hospital,” he said quickly, “Can you stand, (y/n)?”

“I…I think so,” you said, moving your other leg out of bed as carefully as possible.

“I’ve got you,” Newt said quietly, wrapping his muscular arms around your shoulder and waist, “I’ve got you.” His breath against your cheek was the only thing you could pay attention to aside from the throbbing pain.

As you stood up, you felt warm, sticky blood running down your legs. You felt dizzy, but strong enough to stay upright.

“Are you sure you can walk?” Newt looked you in the eye, knowing that you sometimes pushed yourself a bit too hard. He sounded breathlessly panicked, though he tried to hide it from you.

“Yes,” you said, closing your eyes and cupping your stomach with your hands.

Newt flew to your dresser, grabbing a clean pair of underwear, some loose jersey pants, a knit sweater, and a handful of sanitary napkins from the cabinet in the bathroom.

You lifted up the blood-stained dress, and quickly slipped on the sweater, trying to avoid touching your lower abdomen and back as little as possible. It hurt like hell, but you needed to go. You couldn’t bend down, so Newt helped you slip on the underwear, pads, and pants, very gently, wiped the blood from your legs with a washcloth. Any other time he would have loved lingering on the soft, warm skin inside your thighs, but now, he worked as quickly as possible.

He slipped his arm under your shoulder again, supporting your weight as you both hobbled to the hearth in the living room. Newt threw on his coat over his pajamas and laced his boots faster than you’d ever seen.

“Newt…” you whimpered, the severity of the situation hitting you as you stared at the cold ashes.

Newt looked up, freezing for a moment, seeing tears in your eyes.

“The baby…”

He stood, and cupped your face in his hands, his green-blue eyes staring directly into yours.

“It will be fine. Everything…everything will be okay.”

“I’m so scared, Newt.” Scared felt like an understatement.

“I love you so much, (y/n). Please hear me. I love you and you will be fine.”

He didn’t sound entirely convincing, but before you could protest, he lit a fire with the flick of his wand, grabbed a bottle from the mantle, and tossed a handful of Floo Powder into the flames. He took your hand as you both crouched slightly, stepping into the harmless, green flames.

“St. Mungo’s Hospital A&E!” Newt bellowed.

In a swirl of glitter and grass-green, you and Newt were swept up, holding each other tightly as images of countless hearths whooshed around you. You ended up in a room full of fireplaces, immaculately clean, with a big sign that read “EMERGENCY FLOO NETWORK” in large, red letters. On the far side of the room sat a receptionist at a desk, an older, very kindly-looking witch, and the two of you made your way over as quickly as possible.

“She’s…she’s pregnant and–” Newt was breathing heavily and he struggled to find the proper words. You spoke up gently, taking charge, “I woke up experiencing very severe pains and bleeding, I’m due at the end of March. My name is (y/n) (l/n), I think I’m already in the system.” A self-writing quill on the desk took down your information as you spoke it.

“Okay, dear, I’ll get you back right away,” said the elderly witch, and with the flick of her wand, summoned what looked like a wheelchair without any wheels from across the room that folded open on it’s own.

Newt helped you down, and crouched beside you, “Can I get you anything? Some water?”

You patted his hand and shook your head no. The pain was steadily getting worse, and the last thing you could think of was consuming anything.

“I feel too nauseous to drink anything right now, love.”

Newt looked as if he were in as much pain as you.

Within a minute, an older witch with snow-white hair, and two younger aides appeared in the doorway. One of the aides quickly walked up behind you, tapped the back of the chair with her wand, and you floated up gently.

“Please,” Newt pleaded, “I’m her husband. Can I be with her?”

The old witch looked at you quickly, you nodded, and she waved Newt back. The four people around you walked quickly down a hallway, while you levitated smoothly a few inches from the ground. The Healer flipped through your papers as all of you entered a small, white room.

“Okay, love, we’re going to get you out of pain and then figure out what’s going on,” the Healer reassured you, very calm and under control. The aides helped lift you from the chair onto a rather hard examination table and tapped your shoulder, changing you into a worn, but comfortable hospital gown. The Healer ran her wand across your stomach in a spiral shape, whispering a few quiet spells, and suddenly you felt your insides unclench. The pain was still there, but dulled enough for you to be able to focus on something other than it. And the only other thing you could think about was the baby.

The Healer turned to Newt and asked softly, “We’re just going to do an examination now, would you mind waiting in the hallway for a minute? One of my aides will come get you.”

Of course I mind, he wanted to shout.

“Well take good care of her,” one of the aides added sympathetically.

He sighed, resigned, and said “I love you, (y/n).”

“I love you, Newt,” you said, slightly groggy as an aide gently put a few drops of calming draught on your tongue.

                                                  

Newt spent what felt like eternity to him unable to sit down and feeling sick to his stomach. A few kindly old witches and wizards passed by and, assuming he was a nervous father, congratulated him.

“I remember when I was in your position, my boy,” a wizard said warmly, with a huge, nearly-toothless grin.

Not knowing how to respond, Newt merely nodded. It felt like every kind word was a knife through his heart even though he knew they meant well.

The Healer finally opened the door and walked into the hall. She wore an unreadable expression, the ultimate medical poker face.

Miscarriage. The words she spoke caused his heart to crack. He had never felt such acute disappointment, such penetrating sadness, in his entire life.

“We’ll keep the pain at bay, but her body just has to go through it’s natural course with this. We’re going to keep her overnight to monitor the bleeding,” the Healer tentatively reached out to touch Newt’s arm, “and if either of you need to talk to someone, we can have a counselor sent.”

Newt couldn’t say anything, but walked past the Healer and into the room, like a zombie.

You held your head in your hands, a box of tissues half used sitting at your side. You were propped up by multiple fluffy pillows and an aide was tucking in blankets around your legs. You felt utterly pathetic. The door opened, and Newt walked in. He was pale, drained, and his pajama bottoms still stuck out from underneath his coat.

An intravenous bag floated next to you and Newt stopped to stare at it.

“Iron,” said an aide softly, “for her blood loss.”

Newt nodded as they finished setting you up for the night.

“Remember, if you need anything at all, all you have to say is Flubberwuggens and someone will be right there,” the Healer said, patting you on the leg. She gave Newt one last sympathetic glance, and left the room, closing the door.

You both started at each other in silence for a moment.

“I lost it, Newt…I lost our baby…” your voice was thick and wet from crying.

Suddenly Newt fell into your arms, tucking his head into the crook of your neck.

“This isn’t your fault, (y/n), this is not your fault at all, never think that,” he said, his voice cracking.

You pulled him closer to you, holding onto him as if your life depended it on. You grabbed at his coat and let out a loud sob. He suddenly climbed onto the makeshift bed and swung his legs onto it. Seeing what he was trying to do, you moved over a bit, giving him room to lay down next to you. His face was red and you could tell he was trying to hold back tears.

“Please don’t blame y-yourself.”

Newt tried to wrap his arms around you, but stopped short, remembering the pain you were in earlier.

“Doesn’t hurt at all anymore,” you whispered to him, pulling his embrace back, “only in my heart.”

This seemed to break something in him and two tears rolled silently down his cheeks and onto your hospital gown. You grabbed a tissue from the box and gently wiped his face. It seemed like there were no words to describe how either of you were feeling.

Eventually, after some time, you both were feeling exhausted from the events of the night and drifted off into a light sleep in each other’s arms. Just before you shut your eyes, you breathed into Newt’s ear, “When I’m better….let’s start again.”

lunatic-hai are not selling sweaters/jerseys/hoodies/anything which is ridiculous because imagine how fast those would sell out considering how fast runaway’s sweaters sold out and i also would buy one in a minute-

ELECTRIC FOREST COMPLETE GUIDE

[this can be applied to any festival, really]

MISC SUPPLIES

  1. Your ticket/wristband (which arrives in May).
  2. Map and directions there and back (in case of phone troubles if traveling far).
  3. Games to play in the car if you’re carpooling from a ways away.
  4. List of important phone numbers (just in case).
  5. Spare car keys (one is none, two is one).
  6. Cash (enough for gas, ice, food, t-shirts/apparel, beer, ???; I find a $50 per festival day works well, with extra for the trip home).
  7. Swiss army knife, or a multi-tool (camp setup, fixes, etc).
  8. Duct tape (quick fixes, if you feel like being creative, or pretty much anything, it’s duct tape).
  9. Your phone (find your friends, photos, app). The Electric Forest app is great.  It usually has lineup information, a festival map, and some more goodies.  It doesn’t require a data connection for those things.  I turn the internet off on my phone because there’s spotty service at the festival and it increases battery life. I also keep it off when I am with friends at camp.  Last year I didn’t have to charge it all weekend.  Remember a car-charger just in case.  If you charge it with your car often, start it occasionally as to not kill your battery.
  10. Sunglasses
  11. Water toys (a squirtgun, a mister, or whatever, its all fun to cool down on hot days).
  12. A hydration pack. (I recommend an Osprey or Camelbak brand. I own one that has 22 liters of storage, and a three liter water bladder.  It’s a decent size but slim enough to get through crowds). They have filling stations throughout the campgrounds and festival grounds. Get up earlier and stay up later to have the most fun, and you’ll need a lot of water to do it.  Different sizes will also carry your keys, wallet, shirt or sweater, and whatever else you need.
  13. Ear plugs. Whether you’re sensitive to huge speakers, or want to get to sleep in the noisy campground, you’ll want a pair.  Electric Forest is a marathon, not a race.  To rest comfortably you’ll need to drown out the music and chatter.  I have specific ones for loud music, and foam ones for sleeping either in my tent, or in my hammock once my tent is too hot and I make my first trek to the forest for the day.
  14. A pen and paper.
  15. Koozies (to keep your beer cold, or if you have a few people at camp, to tell which beer is yours).
  16. Jumper cables for your car battery, or to help someone else out.
  17. A lock for your tent, backpack, or hammock (we’ve never had an issue with stealing, but I’ve heard stories, better safe than sorry).
  18. Camp entertainment (card games, frisbee, etc).
  19. Disc golf equipment (if you play disc golf, you’re in for a treat. A 9 hole black light lit disc golf course awaits you near the GA entrance to the campgrounds, open until 5 A.M.)
  20. A hammock.  Eno makes a great hammock (we prefer the doublenest, even for one.  The straps are sold separately).  The festival provides some, but they are often filled. Trust me, at some point in the weekend, you’ll regret it if you aren’t able to relax somewhere in the forest.
  21. Yoga mat, if you’re into that. (Yoga happens every morning with an instructor at one of the stages).

CAMPING SUPPLIES

  1. Your tent (make sure this is easily accessible for a quick setup when you arrive).
  2. A tarp or two (for underneath your tent to prevent rain/ground water from seeping in)
  3. A mallet (to stake down your tent, the ground can be pretty hard).
  4. Shade. I recommend a 10x10 shade tent per 4 people in your group. Although the festival grounds have trees and shade, the campgrounds do not, the last thing you want to do is wake up from your tent and have nowhere to stay out of the sun. Make sure to stake it down, I’ve seen one or two fly away in storms.
  5. Decorative tapestries or a tarp to hang from the side of your shade tent. I recommend the former, as you can have a tie-dye party with some friends and a few cotton twin sized sheets. They block the sun when its tilted, and because they’re light, let in a breeze. We use clamps to fasten them, but you can also use a cord and tie them up
  6. A small broom, to clean up your tent from your dirty feet
  7. Camp chairs.  Foldable ones, enough for your crew, and maybe a visitor if your car has the space.
  8. Foldable table. You don’t want to have to move things from the lid of your cooler every time you need another beer or a snack.
  9. Camp lantern(s). I hang one lantern from the roof of my tent, one from the roof of my shade tent, and leave one on the table.
  10. Headlamp (like you see on miners, cave divers, or night time cyclists), you don’t need to spend a ton of money on this, mine was $10 and has worked fine for 4 years now.  Remember spare batteries for all electronics.
  11. A tent fan is nice to have.  They hang from the peak of your tent and keep the air flowing.  They also keep your face cool enough to take a midday nap.  Again, bring spare batteries.
  12. Sleeping supplies.  The ground isn’t soft.  In addition to regular blankets and pillows, it’s nice to have a sleeping pad or cot.  Quality rest is key to restoring the energy needed for 4 days of partying.
  13. Trash bags.  A lot of them.  Don’t make a mess.  We tie them to the legs of our shade tent to keep cleaning up easy on us.
  14. A test kit. I’m not going to pretend like not one person reading this is going to try drugs at some point in their life.  If you have to do drugs, it is important to be educated and safe. Testing reliably for drugs with reagent tests requires some knowledge. I strongly recommend people do their own research to understand what’s happening, but here are the basics.  Use marquis reagent for MDMA. Mix a small crystal with the reagent. It turns black (dark dark black… not off black) for MDMA and MDA. Further reagents are needed to distinguish, but most people enjoy both substances. At least you’ll know it’s not bunk. Use ehrlich’s reagent for LSD. It will change purple for LSD and one other analog, 5-meo-AMT. Drop a half tab directly in the reagent. Look at the color of the liquid, not the paper. The liquid should turn purple in 5-10 minutes for real LSD and it turns purple in ~10 seconds for 5-meo-AMT (dependent on reagent strength, but should be close enough for most test kits on the market). This is because 5-meo-AMT has ~30X the mass per dose and reacts much faster. You don’t want 5-meo-AMT…bad times (and a much much lower LD50!), so time your test! Good luck, and be safe!  This information was given to me by another Redditor, but I feel it is safer to not source him on this kind of information.
  15. A music player.  You’ll be at your camp for several hours a day, relaxing, eating, or just having some fun. I’ve seen countless people kill their car battery just to play some tunes. Just get something loud enough to enjoy over the music of your neighbors/stages.
  16. A flag and flagpole. The camp grounds are huge, and it’s always nice to be able to locate your camp from far away.  The collapsible one that we use is roughly $50 on Amazon.  String up your flag beforehand so you know what you’re doing when you get there.

HEALTH SUPPLIES

  1. A first aid kit. (Band-Aids, Blister pads, Neosporin, Pain Reliever: at a minimum).
  2. Wet wipes.
  3. Basic hygiene products (Fingernail clippers, soap, deodorant, shaver, toothbrush, toothpaste, contacts (+spares), glasses, etc).
  4. Toilet paper. (the paper they provide is sometimes gone, and it’s pretty low quality stuff, bring your own).
  5. A towel.
  6. A bucket to wash with if you don’t want to pay for showers (~$10).
  7. Gold bond and/or bodyglide (if you have chafing issues).
  8. Tampons (ladies, no one takes you seriously when you’re in the forest calling out “tampon, tampon, I need a tampon!”)
  9. Paper towel.
  10. Condoms.
  11. Sun block (use it!).
  12. Melatonin (in moderation, as needed for sleep).

CAMP KITCHEN

  1. Cooler with ice (its expensive at the festival). Fill your coolers when at your last stop before getting there (some of the stores close to the festival sell out, so be prepared for that).  The fuller your cooler, the less quickly the ice melts.
  2. A small propane grill with fuel and cooking utensils (if you plan to cook anything).
  3. Disposable or washable eating/drinking utensils (cups, plates, forks/spoons).
  4. Ziploc bags.
  5. A water resistant container to store dry foods (and keep them dry).

DRINKS

  1. Water.  Bottled water is convenient to keep in your cooler, but there are also filling stations around the camps).  Drink a lot.
  2. Vitamin Water or Gatorade.  You’ll be burning a lot of calories, you want those electrolytes.
  3. Beer. Cans only. No glass is allowed. The limit is 3 cases of person of age in your car. You are also allowed 1 half gallon (also has to be in sealed plastic) per person of age in your car.

FOOD

  1. Pasta salad has been good to us already prepared and bagged up. All you have to do is serve.
  2. Granola bars /power bars/cliff bars for quick nutrition and calories.
  3. Hard boiled eggs.
  4. Hummus & pita bread.
  5. Muffins.
  6. Cereal.
  7. Peanut Butter and Jelly.
  8. Bread.
  9. Lunch meat & condiments.
  10. Salt + Pepper.
  11. Prepared proteins (burgers, marinated chicken, etc) and associated dressings.

If you are camping in G.A, it could be a mile or more walk back to your campsite from the festival grounds.  You’re probably not going to want to make that walk every time you’re hungry.  We usually try to minimize the walking back and forth by grabbing food inside the festival grounds at least once per day.  P.S. The greatest pizza on Earth happens at EFF.  Try the pizza from the “Spicy Pie” booth inside the festival grounds AT LEAST ONCE.

CLOTHING

It can range from 95 to 50 Fahrenheit, this is Michigan.

  1. Long sleeves (hoodie, sweater, hockey jersey).
  2. Basic clothing for each day.  (Jeans/long pants, socks, shorts, underwear, plenty of t-shirts, tank tops, etc.)
  3. Bathing suit.
  4. Waterproof footwear that is easy to apply (flip flops, etc).
  5. Bandana(s) (to block light when you still want to sleep after 7 A.M., or to keep cool and keep the sun off your head).
  6. Comfortable footwear. You’re walking miles a day on rough terrain for 4 days. I wear my Vibram toe shoes each day, but if I need to make it to the bathrooms I take my sandals.  No heels, ladies. 


FUN

  1. Hula hoops or other rave toys.
  2. Body/face paint (and a way to wash it off before bed).
  3. Camp entertainment. (cards, beech ball, frisbee, etc).
  4. Your homemade totem/rage staff.
  5. Glow sticks (caveat: glow sticks raining from the skies is an amazing sight to behold, but glow sticks are not very friendly to the environment and create a lot of garbage when they’ve exhausted their short life).

THE JOURNEY

  • Set up your tent in advance so you know what you’re doing when you get there. Take that opportunity to waterproof it with a good spray waterproofer (wet tents can ruin a festival).
  • When packing your car, hide anything that would indicate that you are going to a music festival.  You don’t need a highway patrol officer tearing your car apart.  Do not paint your car like you’re going to homecoming.
  • Set a plan with your friends (where you’re meeting on the trip, and what to do if something goes wrong).  I recommend making your last stop on your trip in Muskegon, if you’re arriving from that direction.  It has the closest Meijer and Walmart, and are great meeting places. While you are there you can check to see if you forgot anything, fill up on ice (although they occasionally sell out), and most importantly, top off your gas tank.
  • When you get in line to enter the festival, make sure your caravan is together. You may separate when going through security checks, but make a plan to pull off to the side after you get through the security to get your friends back in order.  The parking assistants will ask you how many cars are in your group so you can all park next to each other.  You will then be lead in a line to your home for the weekend. They park you, and you’re not supposed to move, so don’t. Just leave your car where they make you leave it, and then GO! Claim your territory, but be nice to your neighbors when doing so. You are home.

VEHICLE SEARCH

Be cooperative and friendly. These people are there on their time doing a job. Realize this and treat it as such. They are predominantly looking for glass, fireworks, and weapons. This is what they will ask you about.  Do not bring these things.  Glass will fuck your bare feet up.  Be conscientious to everyone and just don’t bring any.  Fireworks are extremely dangerous considering the flammable nature of everyone’s tent.  It is also worth mentioning to not bring Chinese lanterns (the ones you light on fire to create a tiny hot air balloon).  Although cool, what goes up must come down.  They have created fires, and leave scrap everywhere around the festival.  Even if they claim to burn up or biodegrade, it’s generally not true.  The festival gets hundreds of complaints of these landing in people’s land every year.  If you want the festival to continue, don’t bring them!

SETTING UP

  • Have your tent ready. Grab it out of your car along with your tarp and claim your spot.  Our group sets up our tents, then our shade tents, followed by our furniture,  flagpole, and accessories.  THEN we drink our first beers.  Be fast and strategic if you want your space.
  • Meet your neighbors, learn their names. Not only can you borrow things you forgot to bring, but they are great to socialize with and can keep an eye on your things when you are off having fun.
  • When you leave your camp to explore, all valuables should be locked in your car, and out of sight.  No one is going to break into your car if they can’t see anything of interest.  The best thing you can do for your money is to have it where your spare tire would be in your trunk.
  • Remember to keep your campsite clean daily.

THE CAMPGROUNDS

  • When you park, you will notice that its like several city blocks of tents. You may be lucky enough to walk for 5 minutes to get to the venue, but maybe you’re unlucky and have to walk for 20.  There is no guaranteed time-to-location formula for when to get there for where you want to camp.
  • Bathrooms will always be within 5 minutes of walking from your camp, you will be guaranteed to pass a cluster of them on your walk to the venue.  Bring your own toilet paper as they sometimes run out.  Having a headlamp at night is the best way to see you have a clean seat to sit on.  Using your phone as a light here can end catastrophically, we’ve seen it.
  • Showers are $10 for GA and free for Good Life VIP.  They are cleaned every so often, and almost never warm.
  • There are food, ice, clothing, and all sorts of vendors in the campgrounds as well.
  • It’s a huge party, make friends. Everyone else is there to do what you’re trying to do. Just have fun, be nice to everyone, and get to know your neighbors.

THE FESTIVAL GROUNDS

On arrival to the festival grounds, there are several lines for the search stations.  If you’re entering with a group, make a plan to meet just inside the festival grounds, as some searches take longer than others.  After the search of your bag/pockets, you will scan your wristband by waving it over a sensor and enter the festival grounds.  Water fill up stations will be to your left.  The gate is next to the Ferris Wheel, and opens up at the Tripolee Stage.  A few big names play this stage in the later evening. Yoga is held there some mornings and I highly recommend it.

From there, you head left to a walkway leading to the main stage, the Ranch Arena. Its beautiful, and huge. Bathrooms, water filling stations, and food vendors are in the back.

Past that is the Sherwood Forest, the heart of the festival. It contains mysteries abound, and surely your home away from home.  It has 3 stages, and various other attractions. The forest stage is small and intimate but always nice to visit. The observatory has beer, and the smallest and most visual of acts. The Silent Disco gives you headphones to enjoy some DJ sets.  There is another bar, that serves Bud brand beer, and Bells (a great Michigan local brewery).  The forest is entirely another world than the one you’re used to.  They change it every year, and I can only encourage you to explore it and enjoy it to the fullest.

It opens up on the other end to the Sherwood Court, the second largest stage. Bathrooms are at the end of the forest to the left, or past the food vendors on the rights. The right side also has water filling stations.

If the band you want to see is playing at 6, get there at 5. The line for searches can get lengthy when popular acts are performing.

POLICE

They (kind of) search your car, they patrol the campgrounds on horseback, they walk around the venue.  They are for your safety.  I’ve seen them helping someone who fainted more often than I see anyone in cuffs.  They stop people from selling drugs or other things without a permit.  They are generally very helpful and nice, most seem to be in disbelief that they are being paid to be there.  Be nice to them.  It is also worth noting I have seen them notice people smoking weed and not do anything about it.  Just be respectful.  When questioning if its an undercover cop, simply check their shoes. If they’re clean, they’re a cop.

SURVIVAL

  • Water, water, water.  Mother fucking water.  Drink it.  Drink it again.  It is not a race, it’s a marathon.  
  • You will miss either lunch or dinner doing what you’re doing.  Eat festival food.  Spicy Pie makes the best pizza ever, but anything will do.  P.S I do not work for them, but I do work in pizza, and seriously they have the best pizza ever. I ate it every day.
  • Pack your backpack once for the day, head back in the afternoon, repack it for night. For day: sunglasses, sunblock. For night: a light, your light up toys, something for if it gets cold.
  • Light up your friends.  Glow stick bracelets work, but LED options are brighter and more environmentally friendly.  I found my friends so many times with the help of a few glowing bracelets on their arms

LEAVING

There is little to no help when it comes to filtering 30,000 people to the freeway Monday.  Arrive with a full tank of gas, and don’t kill your battery.  Try to leave earlier than most people, meaning take it easy Sunday night.  We left at 6AM Monday last year with no wait, but the year before we left at 10AM, and waited in line for 2 hours.  Also, although volunteers clean the entire place after its over, its important to make their jobs easier.  We tie garbage bags to each pole on our campground to prevent leaving garbage out.  When we leave we gather all our bags into one spot so when they get to my camp, you’d never know that 11 people lived there for a weekend.

 

Here’s all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid.

And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. It’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one.

And by the way, if you don’t think men are stupid, check the newspaper. Ninety-nine percent of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated, enabled, or continued by men. And that includes the wave and the high five, two of history’s truly low points.

But as I say, besides knowing that men are stupid, it’s also important to remember that women are crazy. And if you don’t think women are crazy, ask a man. That’s the one thing men aren’t stupid about; they know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women are straight-out fuckin’ nuts.

But it doesn’t just happen; it isn’t an accident. Women have good reason to be nuts, the main one being that in the course of life, compared with men, they have far more to put up with; they bear greater burdens. Think of it this way: In the Big Cosmic Cafeteria, as human beings move down the chow line of life and reach that section where the shit is being spooned out, women are given several extra portions.

And please understand, my motives here are not selfish or personal. I’m not saying all this stuff to get in good with women, although an occasional blow job would be nice. But it’s not a requirement. It’s optional. BJO: Blow Job Optional. No, I just think it should be evident to any person who’s being honest and thinking clearly that women carry a lot more of life’s baggage than men.

To begin with, they’re smaller and weaker, so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused, and, in general, get the shit beaten out of them on a rather regular basis. By men, of course, who are stronger. If women were stronger, this wouldn’t be happening. Men would not raise a hand if they thought the balance was more equal; they would back down quickly. Then again, if women were stronger, they would probably be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. It’s only fair.

Another major problem for women: They have to look good all the time or at least they think they do. So they’ll be attractive to their male protectors. ‘Gotta look good tonight, Joey’s gonna beat the shit out of me. Maybe I can get a nice kick in the fuckin’ mouth. Gotta look my best.’

And looking one’s female best requires a lot of things. Start with cosmetics. Just think of all the products and procedures a woman is forced to deal with in the world of cosmetics: cleansers, toners, foundation, blush, face powder, lipstick, lip gloss, lip liner, eyeliner, eye shadow, eyebrow pencil, mascara, nail polish, nail polish remover, manicures, pedicures, fake fingernails, fake eyelashes, face cream, neck cream, eye cream, thigh cream, root cream, day cream, night cream, cold cream, wrinkle remover, makeup remover, hand lotions, body lotions, bath oils, bath beads, shower gels, bubble baths, scented baths, perfumes, colognes, toilet water, astringents, moisturizers, emulsions, exfoliants, peels, scrubs, depilatories, body wraps, facial masks, shampoos, conditioners, bleaches, dyes, rinses, tints, perms, straighteners, wigs, falls, rats, extensions, combs, barrettes, bobby pins, hairpins, hairnets, hair curlers, scrunchies, ribbons, bows, debacles, headbands, streaking, frosting, teasing, spraying, moussing, blow drying, cutting, layering, curling, eyelash curling, eyebrow plucking, armpit shaving, leg shaving, crotch shaving, crotchwaxing, leg waxing, eyebrow waxing…

And a purse! A big fuckin’ purse so she can carry all this shit around with her. Especially the makeup, which must be close at hand at all times. ‘Gotta have my makeup. In case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit outta me. I gotta look my best. Maybe he’ll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn’t mark up my face. He’s so thoughtful.’

And, my friend, I hope you’re aware that when we talk about women looking good, we’re also talking about clothing. Clothing is what generates all this shopping shit that occupies so much of a woman’s time. Because the truth is, women have to buy, own and wear an unbelievably bewildering number of garments: Slips, half-slips, camisoles, thongs, panties, pantyhose, stockings, half hose, knee-highs, anklets, socks, leg warmers, garter belts, girdles, corsets, training bras, padded bras, sports bras, nursing bras, push-up bras, strapless bras, Wonderbras, bustiers, teddies, petticoats, peignoirs, negligees, nightgowns, shorties, muumuus, body stockings, blouses, sweaters, jerseys, pullovers, halter tops, miniskirts, maxiskirts, slacks, suits, sunsuits, business suits, pants suits, culottes, capris, shorts, short shorts, hot pants, formal gowns, bridal gowns, evening gowns, street dresses, sundresses, cocktail dresses, housedresses, housecoats, winter coats, fall coats, spring coats, hats and scarves, brooches, pins, necklaces, pendants, medallions, lockets, bracelets, ankle bracelets, earrings, wedding rings, engagement rings, friendship rings, thumb rings, toe rings and (optional, of course) nipple, nose, and labia rings.

And let’s not even begin to talk about shoes. Oh, God! Sorry, girls! I take it back. But at least let’s keep it brief: tennis shoes, sandals, open-toes, slingbacks, mules, wedgies, flats, half-heels, and… high heels. High heels that damage a woman’s feet, ankles, and knees, but make her ass and legs look great, so how can you blame a guy for the occasional rape? ‘Hey, the bitch was askin’ for it, she was wearin’ high heels.’

Now, generally, all this obsession with appearance has one purpose. It’s supposed to lead to romance and it is devoutly wished by some a wedding. A wedding is another one of those good deals women get: The man ‘takes a wife,’ the woman is ‘given away,’ her family pays for the whole thing, and everyone stands around hoping she gets pregnant immediately.

Pregnant! Hey, another terrific treat for the gals! A chance to gain forty pounds, puke in the morning, walk like a duck, get sore tits, and develop a nice case of hemorrhoids. What a deal!

And such attractive clothing. Plus, she can’t get up off the couch without help. Well, it’s her own fault. This wouldn’t have happened if she had taken her birth control pill or used her diaphragm.

Notice: her pill, her diaphragm.

But think of how fulfilling it can be. After all, now she has a baby; a baby she gets to raise practically alone. And if she decides to be a stay-at-home mom, she gets to cook, clean, sew, scrub, scour, wax, wash, dry, iron, do the shopping, drive the van, and entertain the guests.

She’s a housewife! An unpaid, in-family domestic servant. Admittedly, that description is a bit more in line with the old model. The new model is so much better: She ‘gets a fuckin’ job so she can be bringin’ somethin’ in.’ But, somehow, she still winds up being an unpaid, in-family domestic servant after she gets home from the job.

You know, the job? Where she gets paid less than men for the same work, does not rise beyond a certain level in the company and gets harassed all day long by some oversexed moron with a lump in his pants.

Probably better just to stay home where she doesn’t have to be bothered with that pesky paycheck crap, and there’s none of that nonsense about Social Security, pension plans, and unemployment money in case of divorce. Just alimony and child support… if the ex-husband can be located. The ex who probably thought she was looking a little used up and dumped her for someone whose milk glands hadn’t sagged yet.

Can’t forget those milk glands, can we, girls? Tits! Two tits, sticking straight out of your chest; in some cases sticking straight out. Well, for a few years, anyway. Yes, girls, just by virtue of being female, you get to walk around all your life with two vulnerable milk glands hanging out in front of you like lanterns.

And if, somehow, you should get the idea that men don’t approve of the size and shape of those milk glands, you’ll find plenty of social pressure to have them artificially ‘enhanced.’ Such enhancement usually will be performed and supervised by men.

Here’s another physical treat for females: periods! Cramping, bloating, and bleeding five days a month. Fifteen percent of the time. And you can add the time spent with premenstrual syndrome. PMS. Men gave it that name. If women had named it, it would be called, ‘My several days of shrieking and crying and depression, just before my several days of bleeding, cramping, and bloating.’ Men don’t quite see it from that angle. Men experience PMS as a problem for them.

‘What’s the matter, Joey? You don’t look so good.’

'Ahhhh, my wife’s got the PMS.’

Here are some more special female advantages in case you haven’t had enough: pap smears, mammograms, hysterectomies, mastectomies, miscarriages, abortions, labor pains, childbirth pain, episiotomies, stretch marks, and breast-feeding. And postpartum depression. Can’t imagine why she wouldn’t feel good. And just to top it all off, menopause. Menopause! More strange behavior and exciting physical sensations.

And in exchange for all this, in exchange for all this abuse from nature, what is the woman’s payoff? Why, she’s allowed to get into the lifeboat first. At least theoretically. How often do you think that really happens? Oh, and let’s not forget, many men are quite willing to hold the door open for her. In fact, some men are quite impressed with their willingness to do this; they brag about it: ‘Yeah, I beat the shit out of her a lot, but when she runs from one room to the other, I always hold the door open.’

I’ll tell you what a bad deal women got: They’re in the majority on this planet, and they still wound up with the shitty end of the stick. That’s how big a hosing they got.

Oh, and one other inequity I neglected to mention; very unequal. But this one works in women’s favor: They live longer than men. And remember this happens in spite of all the shit they have to put up with. So who do you think is tougher? Men or women? Why don’t you guess. And don’t forget, women have the huge added burden of having to put up with men.

—  George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?