jersey-sweaters

dating reggie mantle;

note - this GIF isn’t mine! also, i was thinking about doing like a dating *character* would include also a break ups with *character* would include kinda thing. this wasn’t edited, also send me requests too!

warnings - mentions of smut : )


- you were just messing around at first. both of you were strictly platonic, though. it was just casual sex.

- until reggie drunkenly gushed, and i quote, “can we stop fucking around? can we just cuddle and be boyfriend and girlfriend?”

- you ended up dating a few days after his drunken confession. but kept things extremely lowkey because you both knew that your bestfriend, Archie, wouldn’t appreciate you dating someone he despises like, Reggie Mantle.

- but eventually, the truth finally came tumbling out when a dumbfounded  Chuck Clayton found you two in a very compromising position in the boy’s locker room after practice.

- “damn reg, get in there.”

- you guys never hooked up in the boy’s locker room after that.

- archie found out. he stopped talking to you after a few days, but eventually came around and apologized when he heard Reggie rhapsodize about you to Moose.

- holding hands in the hallways after class

- baby girl

- “strip for me, baby girl.”

- “wanna head out to pop’s later tonight, baby girl?”

- “don’t be jealous, baby girl.”

- you both bicker a lot and according to Veronica, “the sexual tension is deafening.”

- spontaneous, cute dates like parking in the middle of nowhere, then cuddling underneath the stars.

- fighting was rare, but whenever you guys did, the fights would be huge and absolutely heartbreaking.

- “i wish i never made the mistake of loving you.”

- “nice to know you feel that way too, y/n.”

- cold war for nearly two weeks.

- you’d always end up crying during the fourth day because you missed your ‘mantle the magnificent’ so much.

- make up sex.

- stealing borrowing his jersey and sweaters just because

- reggie being a possessive and protective boyfriend             

- but he knows his limits, well sometimes

- cheering him on at games

- comforting him with sweet, chaste kisses and warm hugs when he has a stressful slash bad day at practice

- his teammates are very hesitant to talk to you because reggie made it clear that he’d, and i quote again, “fucking slice your dicks off if you ever try to make a move on my girl.”

- a senior thought it’d be a good idea to test that theory and although Reggie didn’t cut his dick off, he did break the guy’s nose and gave him a pretty good black eye.

- you get close with Chuck Clayton although your friendship was strained after the whole playbook incident.

- your name wasn’t in it, thank god

- car sex almost every week

- “mantle, your car fucking smells like sex!”

- reggie just smirks and nods, “hell yeah.”

- people gush about your relationship all the time.

- especially betty, who always likes to remind you that you guys look adorable.

- although when you guys started dating, reggie stopped bullying jughead and became a sweet and decent guy, he can still be an asshole.

- moonlight by ariana grande

- “sweet like candy but he’s such a man.”

- one night whilst Reggie is driving you two home after a little skinny dipping at sweet water river, you reach over the console to hold his hand. he looks over at you with the prettiest eyes and then smiles at you.

- “are you alright?” he questions.

- “i love you, reggie mantle.” you tell him with the most sincere and love struck tone.

- “i love you too, y/n y/l/n.”




anonymous asked:

P1: This new Elle interview might be my favorite SC moment of all time. One of the very top moments at least. First off I doubt Cait ever looks schleppy but if she thinks she doesn’t look her best & she’s comfortable around Sam that shows a deep relationship. I’m a schlep & even I don’t bum around, around just anyone. As for Sam...I know it was in print but I can just imagine him saying that she always looks glamorous & then arguing w/ her when she disagrees. There’s something so overwhelmingly-

P2: sweet about it. At least how I read it. He seemed not only genuine but adamant that it’s fact-she’s glamorous. Always. Reminds me of the GG moment where you could tell she was shy & he’s beaming at how beautiful she is. She’s insecure & he’s reassuring. The fact that she confirms our belief that they hang out solidifies their romance to me, along w/ the overall tone of their back & forth in the interview. Idk why I remember this but I remember a few different interviews of celeb couples & the guy is always like “my favorite look is her in one of my t shirts”. My bff is married & I bet her husbands favorite look is a sweater or Jersey of his favorite football team vs a dress. I bet the bank Sam would think Cait’s just as beautiful in yoga pants & his old MPC shirt as she is during any fancy HW event. Maybe more beautiful. It’s the vibe he so casually gave off in this interview & I can’t get over it. It’s such a SO statement. One of the sweetest things you can say to a woman.


oh my god I got more and more emotional with every part you sent. THANKS ANON 😭😭😭😭

Wonwoo’s interview on Seventeen x Seventeen

‘Cool brain wave man who loves to read, Wonwoo’

1. How are you going to exress your personality?
◇ I’m very shy around strangers. It usually takes one or two months until I can look into the eyes of the people I just met. But after that, the distance between us gets smaller (the relationship gets warmer/closer). (laughs)

2. What is your role in the group?
◇ Intellectual. I have liked reading since I was a child. I think I know more about thing compared to the other members. Even nowadays if there’s time, I will read.

3. What is the time that makes you the happiest?
◇ When I can express my feelings through our music. Among our songs, 'Can’t See the End’ is the song where I expressed my feelings after the debut.

4. How do you spend your days off?
◇ Since I’m basically an introvert, I will likely to spend most of the time at home. I would play games at home or read a book.

5. What’s your favorite daily clothing style?
◇ A casual style that matches with a parka, sweater or jersey. During winter, I love wearing jumpers, (*there’s something about mountain leather? I’m not sure? It’s probably a brand? Sorry.) I’m wearing one on the video for the concerts in Japan this February.

6. Charm point
◇ I think it’s my manly side.

7. What kind of kid were you in school?
◇ I used to play basketball, bowling and soccer with my close friends. We did sports. I like the subjects English, Math and Korean. I’m bad with Social Studies though, but recently I read a book about society and I found it interesting.

8. A few words to 'SEVENTEEN’ readers?
◇ I always wanted to be someone who performs (sings and dances) since I was a child, and I finally achieved that dream. To 'SEVENTEEN’ readers, I want you to reach your dreams too.

Scan by @ jeonwonwoo_kr
Japanese ⇒ Korean by @ MooooocciR
Korean ⇒ English by fyeahwonhui
(Please do not take out the translations without permission. Also sorry in advance if not everything is 100% accurate)

anonymous asked:

I don't know if you do imagines, but if you do, could you do an imagine for dating Draco Malfoy? Love you!

Originally posted by nellaey

*I’m going to do this based on house*

Ravenclaw:

- You met in potions when Snape paired you two together 

- He asked you out when you were studying in the library 

- He walks you to class either holding your hand or his arm is around your waist

- Everyone thinks you too are cute

- Draco likes to buy you books and art supply 

- You don’t have money to buy him things so you draw him things or write him little stories. Sometimes you make him scarves and hats. 

- He always calls you love

- You sometimes call him your feisty dragon (He pretends not to like it)

- You sit at the Slytherin table for lunch and he sits at the Ravenclaw table for dinner

Hufflepuff:

- You helped him in charms 

- He get’s all flustered around you 

- And your friends tease you about it making you blush

-One day he just sits next to you at lunch

- You don’t really remember when you two started officially dating 

- He calls you babe

- You change between love and baby

-He likes visiting you in the Hufflepuff common room because he sneaks into the kitchens and brings you food

- He also likes playing with your hair until you fall asleep especially when you get stressed out

Gryffindor: 

- It started with you two yelling insults on the Quidditch pitch 

- Then one day in DADA he asked you out (He actually yelled across the classroom)

- You said sure but dating didn’t stop you two from fighting on the pitch (But now it’s “filled with love”)

- You two don’t really use pet names 

-But you pass notes in class or in the corridor when you pass each other

- The bottom of your trunk is full of them

- You like to steal his scarf and or one of his ties (McGonagall doesn’t approve of your uniform changes, but she does like you and Draco together)  

- You like to sit by the lake and do your homework he always makes sure your warm enough

- On the train ride back to London you fall asleep with your head in his lap

Slytherin: 

- You ended up tutoring him in History of Magic

- But you had been somewhat friends for awhile 

- He finally asked you out while you talked about the Goblin Wars

- You always go to the Quidditch games and you wear his extra jersey or sweater

- He invites you and your family over for Christmas and he gets you tons of gifts

- At dinner, he always has a hand on your knee (You sit to his left) 

- He likes braiding your hair it’s something his mother made him learn how to do (Just in case he had a daughter) 

-He sometimes lets you do his makeup (But only if you promise to take it off once your done)

- You tell him he should always wear eyeliner 


Thanks for the prompt! Love you too :P hope you liked it.

Originally posted by aguscampanita

Submitted by seyeba 


ooohoohoo i hope im doing this right ;v;“

i have a ton of stuff typed up for these redesigns!! i hope its not too much text aaaa ;o;

i got the okay to submit these so i hope its alright to go ahead and do so! these are the redesigns that i had asked about through anon (and have put on a texture and my watermarks :’D )

Just managed to finish a buncha Yandere Simulator Redesigns! these are all of the main protagonist, and the ten rivals.

I decided to do a simply designed uniform to display the characters in. I chose this kinda of dress because i had fun drawing it. and i like the colour green. I also kept it only one colour/hue + white, instead of blue and red, which are colours that strongly contrast each other. These outfits still display changes that could probably apply to many other school dress designs, these being in skirt length, sleeve length, whether they wear jerseys or not and also, how they tie their bows/ribbon things.

So below I will share with you my personal ideas/headcannons/suggestions for the Yan Sim rivals, both for their personality and appearance, along with their reasons for being rivals. Please keep in mind these thoughts are all for fun!

(Also before i begin i must apologise for the jumps and many changes in quality and the several mistakes in the artworks, there’s really no excuse for them but i really can’t be bothered to fix em! maybe later :’D these took about a week to complete anyhow! )

First we have Yandere Chan!
Appearance:
I actually found somewhere on the Tummler someone suggesting that Yan-chan, instead of dark grey hair, should have white hair! They said that this would make Ayano have a more unique look, as well as the fact that white is associated with death in japan. Very cool! I figured it’d be neat, and would also match my idea that i have for Ayano’s personality. (i made a version with her default hair/eye colour just for fun tho)

Personality:
Recently Yandere dev posted a video on Ayano’s childhood. as everyone has been pointing out, the video is riddled with plotholes. not only that but i dont see any yandere in Ayano anymore. shes more like… a mix of yandere and kuudere. but without the -dere. she’s a Yankuu. KUUYAN im kidding. but anyway as a lot of people have been saying: the edge is strong with this video. and i feel like the edginess is too cringy. so lets remedy it!
i feel like having a yandere with a polite yet joking/sarcastic attitude would be pretty neat. Relating to her hair color, she would appear to be pure/innocent (referring to how white can be associated with purity), but should you choose to break this image by playing through the game violently, the hair colour would still relate! Back onto her personality and the idea of her being joking/sarcastic, if her insanity is getting low, she could make snarky/sarcastic remarks to her victims, either in the basement for the torture killing method, or possibly when outright killing them. maybe she likes to taunt her victims before killing them! i like the idea of her being headstrong with a kinda “these women have no chance against me” vibe. However the lower her sanity is, the more likely she is to vocalise these taunts, and maybe the lower it is, the more confident she becomes (in terms of killing someone as well, and possibly with killing them in front of others).

Next up is Osana!

Appearance:
This was basically me just fooling around with her design. There are some anime characters with hairstyles that just dont make ANY fucking sense whatsoever. be it that they make no sense in terms of gravity, or in terms of practicality. If the game is going to have several cliches sprinkled in, I want to put one in too! D:< I kid. But anyway- I did want to give her short hair. I felt like she would make a neat typical ‘tom boy’ kinda character. however, giving her short hair would neglect the sweet gradient she has going on, man! not only that but it also dismisses the kill method with the fan vent thing. i thought that method was pretty cool and i’d love to do it in game as well. ANYWAY i decided to give her these weird long bangs/side hair things.
and of course, for a hair accessory, she gets a small hair clip. one of those cheap ass clips that dont keep any hair back and only kids wear. (maybe its a little clip that senpai gave to her when they were younger! :‘3c ) I figured a small hair accessory would be adequate for her considering she is the first rival; it gives her a decently unique appearance, and keeps it simple at the same time. As the first enemy in the game, i don’t think she needs all that much detail.
and in terms of her stockings… yeah im not too sure. I changed the white spots because i personality didnt like the contrast, but her stockings weren’t bad originally.

Personality:
In terms of her personality, she’d be a typical tsundere. of course. she isnt mean though, unlike how she’s being implemented to act; its more like she does nice things for senpai, he smiles and says thank you, and she gets all flustered and shy/embarassed and is denying she did it because she likes him, its just because they’re friends, of course! anyway senpai obviously knows she has a thing for him (i doubt hes that stupid to not notice). depending on how you eliminate Osana, he will react in a few different ways.

The first way, if you murder Osana, is that senpai will OBVIOUSLY become incredibly distraught. he will become depressed. how would you feel if your best friend since childhood was suddenly murdered? for seemingly no reason, too!

The second way, if you befriend Osana and convince her to not confess to senpai and instead let you do so, Senpai will notice that Osana has started acting differently. However, its not an extreme change, Osana just seems to no longer be romantically interested in him. and because they’re best friends, he will be fine with it. I mean, i hope he’s a good guy that would be fine with something like that.

The third way is similar to the second, however the cause is instead that Osana is paired off with another person at school. heck, why not senpai be supportive of the new couple! thats the best :D

Not all too sure of the other elimination methods so im not going to comment on them :‘3

Next up is Amai!

Appearance:
the feet can fuck off. i hated drawing them.
ahem.
Of course, Amai here in her redesign is short and chubby. …kinda chubby. I actually had trouble with her proportions, at first she looked like a very long armed person with midget length legs. which did look kinda weird. anyway! I like the idea of her being kind and gentle etc. and i gave her a single tight curl in her hair, for the same reason as i did for Muja. ill explain why on the part for Muja though!

Personality:
I didnt really feel like changing her personality much. she has a cute personality already! no need to change it :D

Next up, Kizana!
this is actually my favourite redesign ive made out of the whole group c’:

Appearance:
(the negativity i have in this part is mostly, if not completely, just my personal preference.)
In all honesty i figured the richness in color of her original hair/stockings were wayyy too much. in terms of saturation. ive personally never liked that colour of purple. its always been weird and way too saturated for me to use whenever ive had to design a character (be it a humanoid character or a different creature). so i decided to change her hair to a light lavender colour, and her stockings to a similar shade. speaking of her stockings… I felt like they were incredibly tacky xD they just had rose prints tacked onto the material! definitely not regal looking, if that is indeed the sought after look. instead, i changed her stockings to have thorned vines embroidered on them, which refer to not only the thorned stems of roses, but also her personality.
I also felt like it’d be a cute idea for her to have a poofy skirt! again, it could be considered a 'dramatic’ contrast to all the other rivals and possibly all the other students. She also had the obligatory gloves (drama club) and i like to think she wears a long sleeved version of the school uniform.

Personality:
I feel as though she would have a perfect personality if she were to be sassy, often rude, but to also encourage creativity and originality. she could also be quite supportive of those with creative and unique ideas, which could mean she could poooossibly be paired with the art club leader? might be a stretch but i thought it was a cute idea that would make sense in this case :'3
I also changed the roses both on her choker and in her hair to a darker red, also due to the fact that i cant stand saturated colours. they also create a contrast to her lighter overall appearance, which can also be considered to be a dramatic contrast!
her eyes are blue due to the fact that i always thought the colour of royalty was deep blue. i once read a fact book for kids that was about some specific time period (i think it was based on like england or smth), which said if you were royal, you were considered to have blue blood. this was derived from the idea that royalty in the UK often had such pale skin you could see the blue veins under their skin therefore making people think they had blue blood in their veins.

anyway,

The next rival is Oka!
Appearance:
I didn’t feel like changing her design much, other than the fact i feel like with her messy hair, one or some teachers may ask her to tie her hair back. I know they do so in my school, especially if your hair is unneat or unkempt! Of course, she has a longer skirt. I feel like someone who is shy and socially awkward like Oka would HATE having to wear a mini skirt/dress. i feel like she’d be the type of character to cover up as much as possible, which is also why i gave her a jersey! It may seem redundant with her gloves already covering her but maybe she gets cold easily! i also thought it’d be cute, along with the fact that her original design had a turtleneck sweater/jersey. yay, jerseys!

Personality: I think her personality is perfect how it is. shy, weird, socially awkward and head of a fucking occult club. neato.

Asu Rito is next!! ..ehkinda.
not sure what i did here. i just put her hair into a ponytail and made her sports pants longer.

NEXT IS MUJA KINA GAHAJHUDHEU
ahem
i decided that Muja Kina could be an intern for nursing! She had just flown over from another country to do training to become a nurse :3 

Appearance: since she’s from another country, i felt that i could give her a uniform similar to the ones that nurses from South Africa wear, considering i live in SA! i just made it pink to match her overall colour scheme, and made her eyes green to contrast. as said earlier, i gave both her and Amai a little tight curl in their hair. this is because when i was younger and had really long hair, my hair was mostly straight save for a single random curl. i felt like this would add a little personal touch to the redesigns, and also add a bit of youthfulness to their appearance. also because i like drawing these kindsa curls :3

Personality:
Instead of being a ditzy airhead klutz WHATEVER kinda person, she is a very caring and soft person, and tries her best to be strict and reprimanding but she just can’t do it, she’s too sweet by nature! she also tries her best to help anyone and can become too attached to her patients that need a lot of help. so that brings me to the topic of her relationship with senpai!
i feel like with her being a nurse that wants to save everyone, when she sees senpai she immediately calls him in and tries helping him throughout her week. i feel like she’d try to act like a therapist and give him meds like Rescue for stress and stuff like that. at the end of the week i’d say she’d have by then convinced him to maybe leave the school (if there have been murders in the past she could have convinced him that this school is too dangerous for him to attend) or to possibly leave dating or love and w/e for after school when he’s going to college (if the past rivals were all eliminated peacefully and senpai is feeling uuuu sorry for himself that any girl he likes lose interest in him)

Next is Mida Rana!
honestly before i memorised Mida’s and Muja’s names to their faces, i kept getting the two mixed up with each other. their names aren’t really similar, but… they’re too similar for me ):<<
ANYWAY
Appearance: Overall i just changed her appearance to be less obviously a porn actress acting as a teacher who spanks the students or some creepy shit like that. no garter belt showing AND NO OBVIOUS BOOBAGE. the boobage is still there but its more believable or plausible to happen in a school environment /iguess/ since of course some women have such large breasts that sometimes the clothes they have can’t cover up their cleavage completely! and while that argument could have been used for her original design, i feel like that design was just made to be sexual and nothing else.

Personality: i think i read this somewhere else before but the idea for Mida Rana is that she is the new teacher for Senpai’s class. idk maybe the last one was killed or she resigned! or w/e. anyway Mida Rana will become a rival because WELL WHADDYA KNOW she’s the head teacher for the exchange program! she decides that because senpai is such a friendly and respectful person, he would make a perfect candidate for representing Akademi High by becoming an exchange student in another school! maybe this would make senpai decide to move to that country he became an exchange student in :0c either way senpai would be leaving the school for an amount of time so its basically oh noes for Ayano!

so next we have Osoro!
Appearance: for her design i went full derp bc i didnt really know what to do. i googled high school delinquents and its a japanese thing and i didnt… really know… how to redesign her. so i just made her a bit less caring to her uniform appearance and gave her one of those masks that some deliquents in google images were wearing. also darker skin because why not.

personality: i didnt really have much of a problem with her original personality so i didnt really feel like changing it.

NEXT is Hanako!

appearance: keeping her as little miss generic. upon transferring to the school because her parents felt it would be nice for her and senpai to be in the same school before senpai finishes high school, she was wearing the school uniform exactly as how it was described in the rulebook she had gotten before transferring to Akademi. however, after seeing all the other students wearing short skirts, with colourful hair, hair accessories and colourful socks, the second day she comes to school she decides to wear her favourite heart hair clip. ooooh what a rule breaker!!

personality: upon coming to school for the first day, she will realise that something is off. Hanako is not stupid; if she finds out that there have been murders at the school, she will immediately tell her parents who will proceed to transfer both senpai and Hanako out of Akademi to a new school.
if there have not been any murders, and senpai tells her of the girls that used to have crushes on him but have all suddenly become uninterested in him, she will conclude that someone is trying to sabotage all of his potential lovers, and similar to Muja, will convince him to not start dating anyone.

finally, Megami Saikou.
i always felt that the name Saikou sounds a LOT like Psycho. and i legit figured that, after seeing the name on Ayano’s cellphone, it was kinda punny engrish name that referred to Ayano’s yandere nature. BUT NO it seems like its the name of the random corporation thing. that got me thinking…

what if Megami was also a yandere? :3c she could be a serious kinda yandere; professional and very VERY secretive of eliminating those who mean harm to the one she loves. ofc since she’s supposed to be a mary sue, it will be very VERY hard to get by her because she is very good at keeping this a secret.

so yeah!! those are the ideas i had for the redesigns for the rivals and Yan-chan! hope some people like them /)o//v//o(\

anonymous asked:

Headcanons on the boys' reactions to their s/o wearing their sport jersey or sweater? Semi, Oikawa, and Akaashi please?

Semi

  • Gets a little flustered at first, but after a few minutes he gets used to itand it doesn’t bother him anymore. 
  • If you wear his jersey alone, he doesn’t mind it but if you’re laying down on the bed or something and it slowly rises up your legs he gets very embarrassed and tells you to cover yourself more.
  • He really prefers you in his jacket more than his jersey because he likes how the sleeves are long and baggy on your arms and how the jacket envelopes your body.
  • If his team notices you wearing the jacket, they might tease him a little bit about it. but they’re a little jealous too.
  • He’s a little more affectionate when you wear his clothes, so more kisses and hugs.
Oikawa
  • Gives you lots of compliments because he is really enjoying how it looks on you. 
  • A little fashion show probably happens in his room because he wants you to try out most if not all of his clothing.
  • A little photoshoot happens too and it’s quite cute because he loves hyping you up and seeing your face light up in the photos. Uses them for his phone wallpapers. 
  • You mostly only wear his jersey at home because it’s important to him and you don’t want anything to ruin it, but you wear his jacket around wherever you go, running errands or what not.
Akaashi
  • A little thrown back at first because he has to process the information, but once he understands what is happening, he goes on with his day normally.
  • Might ask you why you’re wearing his jersey just because he’s curious, other than that, he doesn’t mind.
  • Akaashi does own a few sweaters and he notices that everytime you come over, his sweaters and jackets slowly disappear and he has to tell you that he needs some too.
  • If you’re wearing his jersey, something like this usually happens: “Oh, you’re wearing my jersey again? I don’t think I have washed it yet, so you should wash it before you wear it so it’s fresh and not dirty from my games.”
  • If you wear his jacket to school and Bokuto notices, he goes crazy; “Akaashi! (Name)’s wearing your sweater? Romantic!~”
Brendan Gallagher - Number Eleven

anon request:  Brendan Gallagher. Where you meet him at the end of a game and you guys hit it off, something cute like that thankss!

This is the quickest ive ever updates two imagines!!

keep sending in your lovely requests:))

here is part two

Originally posted by letsgosteala

“y/n please” my best friend begged through the phone. her boyfriend bailed on her at then last minute and she decided to call me. where exactly does she want me to go you may be wondering. 

she wants me to go to a hockey game. i am the girl who considers shopping a sport so im not exactly cut out for the cold of the arena. 

“i dont know y/f/n, hockey isnt really my sport” i sighed into the phone. she made a loud huffing noise on the other side of the phone, i heard the sound of a door close. 

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I think liked you better when you didn’t have a knife in your hand, Peaches... Chapter 23

Originally posted by captaine-duckling

When Blake finds herself sold out to the Saviours by her abusive fiancé, she realises that she’s certainly not on her own anymore and finds an unlikely friend in Negan. And Negan does NOT like men who beat their girlfriends, one tiny bit….

Chapter 23


Blake remained alone for the long two days that followed.

She had managed to get herself up and out of bed to use the bathroom….but that was far as she felt able to go by herself….exhausted by even that.

The bandages around her broken and bruised ribs and around her sprained wrist were checked and changed by Doctor Carson, formally of the Hilltop people…who looked slightly stressed and frazzled.

And apart from that, a meek-looking Saviour, who only looked about fourteen, brought her three meals a day without fail.

But this pair were the only people she had seen. Even the hallway outside her room had been empty each time she had passed through it.

Since Blake had awoken, she had had no contact with Negan or any of his close lieutenants. No Dwight, no Eugene, no Simon and no Arat. Even the few she didn’t know by their names hadn’t come near her either…and Blake knew that this had to have been on Negan’s orders.

She had heard the anger in his voice when he had spoken to her….felt the disappointment in his glare…

Keep reading

things-of-the-zodiac  asked:

Buenas noches 🌜, dime, ¿Quiénes dedicarían la canción "Sweater weather" de The neighbourhood, y qué signos la recibirían? 🌚😍🙊🙌💅💜👑💎

Y todo lo que soy es un hombre, quiero el mundo en mis manos, odio la playa, pero me quedo en California con los dedos de pies en la arena, uso las mangas de mi jersey (me arremango, me las bajo?) vamos a tener una aventura, la cabeza en las nubes,  pero mi (centro de) gravedad, centrado. Acaricias mi cuello y yo acariciaré el tuyo, tú vestida con esos pequeños pantalones cortos de cintura alta. Oh, ella sabe lo que estoy pensando, y lo que estoy pensando: Un amor, dos bocas, un amor, una casa, sin camisa, sin blusa, solo nosotros, tú te das cuenta, no hay nada que realmente quiera decirte, porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey (para que no tengas frío) Antes de que pueda dejarte sin aliento, no me importa, porque ahora quizás tenga que decir, (que) algunas veces el silencio guía tu mente, así que muévete a un lugar tan lejano, los escalofríos empiezan a correr (goosebump), en el momento en el que mi mano izquierda  se encuentra con tu cintura, y entonces veo tu rostro, pongo mi dedo sobre tu lengua porque te encanta saborearlo, este corazón es una puerta, preparada para ser tocada por el (corazón) de otro. Aquí dentro se está caliente, fuera, empieza a llover con fuerza. Descendiendo, un amor, dos bocas, un amor, una casa, sin camisa, sin blusa, solo nosotros, tú te das cuenta, no hay nada que realmente quiera decirte, porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío aquí para ti, y ahora, así, déjame sujetar tus dos manos, en los agujeros de mi jersey. Porque hace demasiado frío, hace demasiado frío. Los agujeros de mi jersey. The Neighbourhood - Sweater weather - Tiempo de jersey

Dafadfa adoro está canción 💜

De: Escorpio, Libra , Géminis, Sagi, Aries, Leo y Acuario. Para: Cancer, Capri , Piscis, Virgo y Tauro. Según yo :v Lina ♊
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Take a moment to imagine Peter Parker wearing these and just being a comfy and happy little jelly bean boy

~ somebody who does art please draw this for me ~

squashedmandarins  asked:

Cute fluffy long term relationship hc with Kageyama if possible💙

lasdgk This is my jam~


Kageyama Tobio

  • No matter how long they have been dating, this poor blueberry will still be a tsundere
  • Complements towards or from him will leave him a blushing mess, his words coming out rushed and scrambled together.
  • Also won’t out right ask for something, but he’ll hit at it,
  • Like if he wants to hold hands he’ll bush his and against his S/o’s.
  • Loves, loves, loves to be praised by his S/o.
  • No matter what he did, hearing the words ‘you are/were amazing Tobio’ or ‘I love you’ leave his S/o’s lips, make’s his heart skip a beat
  • He’ll be more comfortable around his s/o over time
  • He loves to cuddle
  • He is also almost always the big spoon, loving the way his S/o fits into his arms and being able to nuzzling into their hair, taking in the scent of their shampoo
  • But he will be the small spoon if he’s having a bad day or just wants to be held
  • Tobio secretly loves the way his S/o looks in his jersey/sweater, he will purposely leave his clothing at their house just to see them in it.
  • Surprisingly he’s a pretty good cook, so he likes to spend some weekends with his S/o in the kitchen, cooking random things to see how it turns out.

I hope you like them <3 I got a little too carried away~

ELECTRIC FOREST COMPLETE GUIDE

[this can be applied to any festival, really]

MISC SUPPLIES

  1. Your ticket/wristband (which arrives in May).
  2. Map and directions there and back (in case of phone troubles if traveling far).
  3. Games to play in the car if you’re carpooling from a ways away.
  4. List of important phone numbers (just in case).
  5. Spare car keys (one is none, two is one).
  6. Cash (enough for gas, ice, food, t-shirts/apparel, beer, ???; I find a $50 per festival day works well, with extra for the trip home).
  7. Swiss army knife, or a multi-tool (camp setup, fixes, etc).
  8. Duct tape (quick fixes, if you feel like being creative, or pretty much anything, it’s duct tape).
  9. Your phone (find your friends, photos, app). The Electric Forest app is great.  It usually has lineup information, a festival map, and some more goodies.  It doesn’t require a data connection for those things.  I turn the internet off on my phone because there’s spotty service at the festival and it increases battery life. I also keep it off when I am with friends at camp.  Last year I didn’t have to charge it all weekend.  Remember a car-charger just in case.  If you charge it with your car often, start it occasionally as to not kill your battery.
  10. Sunglasses
  11. Water toys (a squirtgun, a mister, or whatever, its all fun to cool down on hot days).
  12. A hydration pack. (I recommend an Osprey or Camelbak brand. I own one that has 22 liters of storage, and a three liter water bladder.  It’s a decent size but slim enough to get through crowds). They have filling stations throughout the campgrounds and festival grounds. Get up earlier and stay up later to have the most fun, and you’ll need a lot of water to do it.  Different sizes will also carry your keys, wallet, shirt or sweater, and whatever else you need.
  13. Ear plugs. Whether you’re sensitive to huge speakers, or want to get to sleep in the noisy campground, you’ll want a pair.  Electric Forest is a marathon, not a race.  To rest comfortably you’ll need to drown out the music and chatter.  I have specific ones for loud music, and foam ones for sleeping either in my tent, or in my hammock once my tent is too hot and I make my first trek to the forest for the day.
  14. A pen and paper.
  15. Koozies (to keep your beer cold, or if you have a few people at camp, to tell which beer is yours).
  16. Jumper cables for your car battery, or to help someone else out.
  17. A lock for your tent, backpack, or hammock (we’ve never had an issue with stealing, but I’ve heard stories, better safe than sorry).
  18. Camp entertainment (card games, frisbee, etc).
  19. Disc golf equipment (if you play disc golf, you’re in for a treat. A 9 hole black light lit disc golf course awaits you near the GA entrance to the campgrounds, open until 5 A.M.)
  20. A hammock.  Eno makes a great hammock (we prefer the doublenest, even for one.  The straps are sold separately).  The festival provides some, but they are often filled. Trust me, at some point in the weekend, you’ll regret it if you aren’t able to relax somewhere in the forest.
  21. Yoga mat, if you’re into that. (Yoga happens every morning with an instructor at one of the stages).

CAMPING SUPPLIES

  1. Your tent (make sure this is easily accessible for a quick setup when you arrive).
  2. A tarp or two (for underneath your tent to prevent rain/ground water from seeping in)
  3. A mallet (to stake down your tent, the ground can be pretty hard).
  4. Shade. I recommend a 10x10 shade tent per 4 people in your group. Although the festival grounds have trees and shade, the campgrounds do not, the last thing you want to do is wake up from your tent and have nowhere to stay out of the sun. Make sure to stake it down, I’ve seen one or two fly away in storms.
  5. Decorative tapestries or a tarp to hang from the side of your shade tent. I recommend the former, as you can have a tie-dye party with some friends and a few cotton twin sized sheets. They block the sun when its tilted, and because they’re light, let in a breeze. We use clamps to fasten them, but you can also use a cord and tie them up
  6. A small broom, to clean up your tent from your dirty feet
  7. Camp chairs.  Foldable ones, enough for your crew, and maybe a visitor if your car has the space.
  8. Foldable table. You don’t want to have to move things from the lid of your cooler every time you need another beer or a snack.
  9. Camp lantern(s). I hang one lantern from the roof of my tent, one from the roof of my shade tent, and leave one on the table.
  10. Headlamp (like you see on miners, cave divers, or night time cyclists), you don’t need to spend a ton of money on this, mine was $10 and has worked fine for 4 years now.  Remember spare batteries for all electronics.
  11. A tent fan is nice to have.  They hang from the peak of your tent and keep the air flowing.  They also keep your face cool enough to take a midday nap.  Again, bring spare batteries.
  12. Sleeping supplies.  The ground isn’t soft.  In addition to regular blankets and pillows, it’s nice to have a sleeping pad or cot.  Quality rest is key to restoring the energy needed for 4 days of partying.
  13. Trash bags.  A lot of them.  Don’t make a mess.  We tie them to the legs of our shade tent to keep cleaning up easy on us.
  14. A test kit. I’m not going to pretend like not one person reading this is going to try drugs at some point in their life.  If you have to do drugs, it is important to be educated and safe. Testing reliably for drugs with reagent tests requires some knowledge. I strongly recommend people do their own research to understand what’s happening, but here are the basics.  Use marquis reagent for MDMA. Mix a small crystal with the reagent. It turns black (dark dark black… not off black) for MDMA and MDA. Further reagents are needed to distinguish, but most people enjoy both substances. At least you’ll know it’s not bunk. Use ehrlich’s reagent for LSD. It will change purple for LSD and one other analog, 5-meo-AMT. Drop a half tab directly in the reagent. Look at the color of the liquid, not the paper. The liquid should turn purple in 5-10 minutes for real LSD and it turns purple in ~10 seconds for 5-meo-AMT (dependent on reagent strength, but should be close enough for most test kits on the market). This is because 5-meo-AMT has ~30X the mass per dose and reacts much faster. You don’t want 5-meo-AMT…bad times (and a much much lower LD50!), so time your test! Good luck, and be safe!  This information was given to me by another Redditor, but I feel it is safer to not source him on this kind of information.
  15. A music player.  You’ll be at your camp for several hours a day, relaxing, eating, or just having some fun. I’ve seen countless people kill their car battery just to play some tunes. Just get something loud enough to enjoy over the music of your neighbors/stages.
  16. A flag and flagpole. The camp grounds are huge, and it’s always nice to be able to locate your camp from far away.  The collapsible one that we use is roughly $50 on Amazon.  String up your flag beforehand so you know what you’re doing when you get there.

HEALTH SUPPLIES

  1. A first aid kit. (Band-Aids, Blister pads, Neosporin, Pain Reliever: at a minimum).
  2. Wet wipes.
  3. Basic hygiene products (Fingernail clippers, soap, deodorant, shaver, toothbrush, toothpaste, contacts (+spares), glasses, etc).
  4. Toilet paper. (the paper they provide is sometimes gone, and it’s pretty low quality stuff, bring your own).
  5. A towel.
  6. A bucket to wash with if you don’t want to pay for showers (~$10).
  7. Gold bond and/or bodyglide (if you have chafing issues).
  8. Tampons (ladies, no one takes you seriously when you’re in the forest calling out “tampon, tampon, I need a tampon!”)
  9. Paper towel.
  10. Condoms.
  11. Sun block (use it!).
  12. Melatonin (in moderation, as needed for sleep).

CAMP KITCHEN

  1. Cooler with ice (its expensive at the festival). Fill your coolers when at your last stop before getting there (some of the stores close to the festival sell out, so be prepared for that).  The fuller your cooler, the less quickly the ice melts.
  2. A small propane grill with fuel and cooking utensils (if you plan to cook anything).
  3. Disposable or washable eating/drinking utensils (cups, plates, forks/spoons).
  4. Ziploc bags.
  5. A water resistant container to store dry foods (and keep them dry).

DRINKS

  1. Water.  Bottled water is convenient to keep in your cooler, but there are also filling stations around the camps).  Drink a lot.
  2. Vitamin Water or Gatorade.  You’ll be burning a lot of calories, you want those electrolytes.
  3. Beer. Cans only. No glass is allowed. The limit is 3 cases of person of age in your car. You are also allowed 1 half gallon (also has to be in sealed plastic) per person of age in your car.

FOOD

  1. Pasta salad has been good to us already prepared and bagged up. All you have to do is serve.
  2. Granola bars /power bars/cliff bars for quick nutrition and calories.
  3. Hard boiled eggs.
  4. Hummus & pita bread.
  5. Muffins.
  6. Cereal.
  7. Peanut Butter and Jelly.
  8. Bread.
  9. Lunch meat & condiments.
  10. Salt + Pepper.
  11. Prepared proteins (burgers, marinated chicken, etc) and associated dressings.

If you are camping in G.A, it could be a mile or more walk back to your campsite from the festival grounds.  You’re probably not going to want to make that walk every time you’re hungry.  We usually try to minimize the walking back and forth by grabbing food inside the festival grounds at least once per day.  P.S. The greatest pizza on Earth happens at EFF.  Try the pizza from the “Spicy Pie” booth inside the festival grounds AT LEAST ONCE.

CLOTHING

It can range from 95 to 50 Fahrenheit, this is Michigan.

  1. Long sleeves (hoodie, sweater, hockey jersey).
  2. Basic clothing for each day.  (Jeans/long pants, socks, shorts, underwear, plenty of t-shirts, tank tops, etc.)
  3. Bathing suit.
  4. Waterproof footwear that is easy to apply (flip flops, etc).
  5. Bandana(s) (to block light when you still want to sleep after 7 A.M., or to keep cool and keep the sun off your head).
  6. Comfortable footwear. You’re walking miles a day on rough terrain for 4 days. I wear my Vibram toe shoes each day, but if I need to make it to the bathrooms I take my sandals.  No heels, ladies. 


FUN

  1. Hula hoops or other rave toys.
  2. Body/face paint (and a way to wash it off before bed).
  3. Camp entertainment. (cards, beech ball, frisbee, etc).
  4. Your homemade totem/rage staff.
  5. Glow sticks (caveat: glow sticks raining from the skies is an amazing sight to behold, but glow sticks are not very friendly to the environment and create a lot of garbage when they’ve exhausted their short life).

THE JOURNEY

  • Set up your tent in advance so you know what you’re doing when you get there. Take that opportunity to waterproof it with a good spray waterproofer (wet tents can ruin a festival).
  • When packing your car, hide anything that would indicate that you are going to a music festival.  You don’t need a highway patrol officer tearing your car apart.  Do not paint your car like you’re going to homecoming.
  • Set a plan with your friends (where you’re meeting on the trip, and what to do if something goes wrong).  I recommend making your last stop on your trip in Muskegon, if you’re arriving from that direction.  It has the closest Meijer and Walmart, and are great meeting places. While you are there you can check to see if you forgot anything, fill up on ice (although they occasionally sell out), and most importantly, top off your gas tank.
  • When you get in line to enter the festival, make sure your caravan is together. You may separate when going through security checks, but make a plan to pull off to the side after you get through the security to get your friends back in order.  The parking assistants will ask you how many cars are in your group so you can all park next to each other.  You will then be lead in a line to your home for the weekend. They park you, and you’re not supposed to move, so don’t. Just leave your car where they make you leave it, and then GO! Claim your territory, but be nice to your neighbors when doing so. You are home.

VEHICLE SEARCH

Be cooperative and friendly. These people are there on their time doing a job. Realize this and treat it as such. They are predominantly looking for glass, fireworks, and weapons. This is what they will ask you about.  Do not bring these things.  Glass will fuck your bare feet up.  Be conscientious to everyone and just don’t bring any.  Fireworks are extremely dangerous considering the flammable nature of everyone’s tent.  It is also worth mentioning to not bring Chinese lanterns (the ones you light on fire to create a tiny hot air balloon).  Although cool, what goes up must come down.  They have created fires, and leave scrap everywhere around the festival.  Even if they claim to burn up or biodegrade, it’s generally not true.  The festival gets hundreds of complaints of these landing in people’s land every year.  If you want the festival to continue, don’t bring them!

SETTING UP

  • Have your tent ready. Grab it out of your car along with your tarp and claim your spot.  Our group sets up our tents, then our shade tents, followed by our furniture,  flagpole, and accessories.  THEN we drink our first beers.  Be fast and strategic if you want your space.
  • Meet your neighbors, learn their names. Not only can you borrow things you forgot to bring, but they are great to socialize with and can keep an eye on your things when you are off having fun.
  • When you leave your camp to explore, all valuables should be locked in your car, and out of sight.  No one is going to break into your car if they can’t see anything of interest.  The best thing you can do for your money is to have it where your spare tire would be in your trunk.
  • Remember to keep your campsite clean daily.

THE CAMPGROUNDS

  • When you park, you will notice that its like several city blocks of tents. You may be lucky enough to walk for 5 minutes to get to the venue, but maybe you’re unlucky and have to walk for 20.  There is no guaranteed time-to-location formula for when to get there for where you want to camp.
  • Bathrooms will always be within 5 minutes of walking from your camp, you will be guaranteed to pass a cluster of them on your walk to the venue.  Bring your own toilet paper as they sometimes run out.  Having a headlamp at night is the best way to see you have a clean seat to sit on.  Using your phone as a light here can end catastrophically, we’ve seen it.
  • Showers are $10 for GA and free for Good Life VIP.  They are cleaned every so often, and almost never warm.
  • There are food, ice, clothing, and all sorts of vendors in the campgrounds as well.
  • It’s a huge party, make friends. Everyone else is there to do what you’re trying to do. Just have fun, be nice to everyone, and get to know your neighbors.

THE FESTIVAL GROUNDS

On arrival to the festival grounds, there are several lines for the search stations.  If you’re entering with a group, make a plan to meet just inside the festival grounds, as some searches take longer than others.  After the search of your bag/pockets, you will scan your wristband by waving it over a sensor and enter the festival grounds.  Water fill up stations will be to your left.  The gate is next to the Ferris Wheel, and opens up at the Tripolee Stage.  A few big names play this stage in the later evening. Yoga is held there some mornings and I highly recommend it.

From there, you head left to a walkway leading to the main stage, the Ranch Arena. Its beautiful, and huge. Bathrooms, water filling stations, and food vendors are in the back.

Past that is the Sherwood Forest, the heart of the festival. It contains mysteries abound, and surely your home away from home.  It has 3 stages, and various other attractions. The forest stage is small and intimate but always nice to visit. The observatory has beer, and the smallest and most visual of acts. The Silent Disco gives you headphones to enjoy some DJ sets.  There is another bar, that serves Bud brand beer, and Bells (a great Michigan local brewery).  The forest is entirely another world than the one you’re used to.  They change it every year, and I can only encourage you to explore it and enjoy it to the fullest.

It opens up on the other end to the Sherwood Court, the second largest stage. Bathrooms are at the end of the forest to the left, or past the food vendors on the rights. The right side also has water filling stations.

If the band you want to see is playing at 6, get there at 5. The line for searches can get lengthy when popular acts are performing.

POLICE

They (kind of) search your car, they patrol the campgrounds on horseback, they walk around the venue.  They are for your safety.  I’ve seen them helping someone who fainted more often than I see anyone in cuffs.  They stop people from selling drugs or other things without a permit.  They are generally very helpful and nice, most seem to be in disbelief that they are being paid to be there.  Be nice to them.  It is also worth noting I have seen them notice people smoking weed and not do anything about it.  Just be respectful.  When questioning if its an undercover cop, simply check their shoes. If they’re clean, they’re a cop.

SURVIVAL

  • Water, water, water.  Mother fucking water.  Drink it.  Drink it again.  It is not a race, it’s a marathon.  
  • You will miss either lunch or dinner doing what you’re doing.  Eat festival food.  Spicy Pie makes the best pizza ever, but anything will do.  P.S I do not work for them, but I do work in pizza, and seriously they have the best pizza ever. I ate it every day.
  • Pack your backpack once for the day, head back in the afternoon, repack it for night. For day: sunglasses, sunblock. For night: a light, your light up toys, something for if it gets cold.
  • Light up your friends.  Glow stick bracelets work, but LED options are brighter and more environmentally friendly.  I found my friends so many times with the help of a few glowing bracelets on their arms

LEAVING

There is little to no help when it comes to filtering 30,000 people to the freeway Monday.  Arrive with a full tank of gas, and don’t kill your battery.  Try to leave earlier than most people, meaning take it easy Sunday night.  We left at 6AM Monday last year with no wait, but the year before we left at 10AM, and waited in line for 2 hours.  Also, although volunteers clean the entire place after its over, its important to make their jobs easier.  We tie garbage bags to each pole on our campground to prevent leaving garbage out.  When we leave we gather all our bags into one spot so when they get to my camp, you’d never know that 11 people lived there for a weekend.

 

Things the Fox Girls do that I (and my teammates) have done:

  • excitedly show off bruises received during games and practices
  • poke said bruises that friend is showing off, somehow it turns into a competition of who has the biggest ‘battle wound’
  • casually call each other pet-names like babe and sweetheart
  • pat each other on the butt after a good play or for encouragement
  • stay up late together after games and tell scary stories or talk about deep existential things
  • sing loudly and off-key on the bus ride to and from games
  • got together and made tie-dye shirts then got those iron on numbers and letters to put our numbers and names on them
  • trade jerseys, sweaters, shirts, pretty much any type of clothing all the time
  • lend socks when someone forgot to bring some all while knowing the probability of seeing those socks returned is less than 10%
  • make bags of candy/goodies to toss out to the crowd (maybe have a small area where they can hand stuff out to the kids that came to the games)
  • TAKE SELFIES ALL THE FREAKING TIME. just before a game? Selfie. after a won game? selfie. eating after a game? selfie. working out? wipe the sweat off your brow, bitch, it’s selfie time.
  • alternatively, also take pictures of someone when they fall asleep with their mouth wide open
  • cuddle together on long bus rides together, it’s comfy
  • Hide around corners and beneath/in things only to pop out and scare the crap out of each other
  • get excited about team pictures and then take the most creative pictures. (arranging the balls in a heart shape, someone is definitely being carried)
  • Teach the game to younger kids, like middle schoolers or kids in grade school
  • Make up elaborate cheers that are slightly embarrassing for everyone involved
reasons why you should watch home at the end of the world
  • colin farrell being ADORABLE with a baby and doing the grabby bear paw thing
  • colin being unapologetically bi/pan
  • his character is seriously the sweetest thing in the world who loves everyone and is so caring and REALLY LIKES asking people to dance with him HE’S SO INNOCENT
  • COLIN AS A BAKER/COOK actual cinnamon roll who makes cinnamon rolls
  • baby-faced colin
  • colin wearing cute sweaters and jerseys and rainbow hats
  • colin being cute and singing and air guitaring in the car

Here’s all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid.

And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. It’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one.

And by the way, if you don’t think men are stupid, check the newspaper. Ninety-nine percent of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated, enabled, or continued by men. And that includes the wave and the high five, two of history’s truly low points.

But as I say, besides knowing that men are stupid, it’s also important to remember that women are crazy. And if you don’t think women are crazy, ask a man. That’s the one thing men aren’t stupid about; they know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women are straight-out fuckin’ nuts.

But it doesn’t just happen; it isn’t an accident. Women have good reason to be nuts, the main one being that in the course of life, compared with men, they have far more to put up with; they bear greater burdens. Think of it this way: In the Big Cosmic Cafeteria, as human beings move down the chow line of life and reach that section where the shit is being spooned out, women are given several extra portions.

And please understand, my motives here are not selfish or personal. I’m not saying all this stuff to get in good with women, although an occasional blow job would be nice. But it’s not a requirement. It’s optional. BJO: Blow Job Optional. No, I just think it should be evident to any person who’s being honest and thinking clearly that women carry a lot more of life’s baggage than men.

To begin with, they’re smaller and weaker, so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused, and, in general, get the shit beaten out of them on a rather regular basis. By men, of course, who are stronger. If women were stronger, this wouldn’t be happening. Men would not raise a hand if they thought the balance was more equal; they would back down quickly. Then again, if women were stronger, they would probably be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. It’s only fair.

Another major problem for women: They have to look good all the time or at least they think they do. So they’ll be attractive to their male protectors. ‘Gotta look good tonight, Joey’s gonna beat the shit out of me. Maybe I can get a nice kick in the fuckin’ mouth. Gotta look my best.’

And looking one’s female best requires a lot of things. Start with cosmetics. Just think of all the products and procedures a woman is forced to deal with in the world of cosmetics: cleansers, toners, foundation, blush, face powder, lipstick, lip gloss, lip liner, eyeliner, eye shadow, eyebrow pencil, mascara, nail polish, nail polish remover, manicures, pedicures, fake fingernails, fake eyelashes, face cream, neck cream, eye cream, thigh cream, root cream, day cream, night cream, cold cream, wrinkle remover, makeup remover, hand lotions, body lotions, bath oils, bath beads, shower gels, bubble baths, scented baths, perfumes, colognes, toilet water, astringents, moisturizers, emulsions, exfoliants, peels, scrubs, depilatories, body wraps, facial masks, shampoos, conditioners, bleaches, dyes, rinses, tints, perms, straighteners, wigs, falls, rats, extensions, combs, barrettes, bobby pins, hairpins, hairnets, hair curlers, scrunchies, ribbons, bows, debacles, headbands, streaking, frosting, teasing, spraying, moussing, blow drying, cutting, layering, curling, eyelash curling, eyebrow plucking, armpit shaving, leg shaving, crotch shaving, crotchwaxing, leg waxing, eyebrow waxing…

And a purse! A big fuckin’ purse so she can carry all this shit around with her. Especially the makeup, which must be close at hand at all times. ‘Gotta have my makeup. In case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit outta me. I gotta look my best. Maybe he’ll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn’t mark up my face. He’s so thoughtful.’

And, my friend, I hope you’re aware that when we talk about women looking good, we’re also talking about clothing. Clothing is what generates all this shopping shit that occupies so much of a woman’s time. Because the truth is, women have to buy, own and wear an unbelievably bewildering number of garments: Slips, half-slips, camisoles, thongs, panties, pantyhose, stockings, half hose, knee-highs, anklets, socks, leg warmers, garter belts, girdles, corsets, training bras, padded bras, sports bras, nursing bras, push-up bras, strapless bras, Wonderbras, bustiers, teddies, petticoats, peignoirs, negligees, nightgowns, shorties, muumuus, body stockings, blouses, sweaters, jerseys, pullovers, halter tops, miniskirts, maxiskirts, slacks, suits, sunsuits, business suits, pants suits, culottes, capris, shorts, short shorts, hot pants, formal gowns, bridal gowns, evening gowns, street dresses, sundresses, cocktail dresses, housedresses, housecoats, winter coats, fall coats, spring coats, hats and scarves, brooches, pins, necklaces, pendants, medallions, lockets, bracelets, ankle bracelets, earrings, wedding rings, engagement rings, friendship rings, thumb rings, toe rings and (optional, of course) nipple, nose, and labia rings.

And let’s not even begin to talk about shoes. Oh, God! Sorry, girls! I take it back. But at least let’s keep it brief: tennis shoes, sandals, open-toes, slingbacks, mules, wedgies, flats, half-heels, and… high heels. High heels that damage a woman’s feet, ankles, and knees, but make her ass and legs look great, so how can you blame a guy for the occasional rape? ‘Hey, the bitch was askin’ for it, she was wearin’ high heels.’

Now, generally, all this obsession with appearance has one purpose. It’s supposed to lead to romance and it is devoutly wished by some a wedding. A wedding is another one of those good deals women get: The man ‘takes a wife,’ the woman is ‘given away,’ her family pays for the whole thing, and everyone stands around hoping she gets pregnant immediately.

Pregnant! Hey, another terrific treat for the gals! A chance to gain forty pounds, puke in the morning, walk like a duck, get sore tits, and develop a nice case of hemorrhoids. What a deal!

And such attractive clothing. Plus, she can’t get up off the couch without help. Well, it’s her own fault. This wouldn’t have happened if she had taken her birth control pill or used her diaphragm.

Notice: her pill, her diaphragm.

But think of how fulfilling it can be. After all, now she has a baby; a baby she gets to raise practically alone. And if she decides to be a stay-at-home mom, she gets to cook, clean, sew, scrub, scour, wax, wash, dry, iron, do the shopping, drive the van, and entertain the guests.

She’s a housewife! An unpaid, in-family domestic servant. Admittedly, that description is a bit more in line with the old model. The new model is so much better: She ‘gets a fuckin’ job so she can be bringin’ somethin’ in.’ But, somehow, she still winds up being an unpaid, in-family domestic servant after she gets home from the job.

You know, the job? Where she gets paid less than men for the same work, does not rise beyond a certain level in the company and gets harassed all day long by some oversexed moron with a lump in his pants.

Probably better just to stay home where she doesn’t have to be bothered with that pesky paycheck crap, and there’s none of that nonsense about Social Security, pension plans, and unemployment money in case of divorce. Just alimony and child support… if the ex-husband can be located. The ex who probably thought she was looking a little used up and dumped her for someone whose milk glands hadn’t sagged yet.

Can’t forget those milk glands, can we, girls? Tits! Two tits, sticking straight out of your chest; in some cases sticking straight out. Well, for a few years, anyway. Yes, girls, just by virtue of being female, you get to walk around all your life with two vulnerable milk glands hanging out in front of you like lanterns.

And if, somehow, you should get the idea that men don’t approve of the size and shape of those milk glands, you’ll find plenty of social pressure to have them artificially ‘enhanced.’ Such enhancement usually will be performed and supervised by men.

Here’s another physical treat for females: periods! Cramping, bloating, and bleeding five days a month. Fifteen percent of the time. And you can add the time spent with premenstrual syndrome. PMS. Men gave it that name. If women had named it, it would be called, ‘My several days of shrieking and crying and depression, just before my several days of bleeding, cramping, and bloating.’ Men don’t quite see it from that angle. Men experience PMS as a problem for them.

‘What’s the matter, Joey? You don’t look so good.’

'Ahhhh, my wife’s got the PMS.’

Here are some more special female advantages in case you haven’t had enough: pap smears, mammograms, hysterectomies, mastectomies, miscarriages, abortions, labor pains, childbirth pain, episiotomies, stretch marks, and breast-feeding. And postpartum depression. Can’t imagine why she wouldn’t feel good. And just to top it all off, menopause. Menopause! More strange behavior and exciting physical sensations.

And in exchange for all this, in exchange for all this abuse from nature, what is the woman’s payoff? Why, she’s allowed to get into the lifeboat first. At least theoretically. How often do you think that really happens? Oh, and let’s not forget, many men are quite willing to hold the door open for her. In fact, some men are quite impressed with their willingness to do this; they brag about it: ‘Yeah, I beat the shit out of her a lot, but when she runs from one room to the other, I always hold the door open.’

I’ll tell you what a bad deal women got: They’re in the majority on this planet, and they still wound up with the shitty end of the stick. That’s how big a hosing they got.

Oh, and one other inequity I neglected to mention; very unequal. But this one works in women’s favor: They live longer than men. And remember this happens in spite of all the shit they have to put up with. So who do you think is tougher? Men or women? Why don’t you guess. And don’t forget, women have the huge added burden of having to put up with men.

—  George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?