For the record, George Washington dresses as George Washington every year because he’s just that much of a dad and finds it hilarious. But the kids think the uniform is cool, and they call him the general for the whole day.
Samuel seabury got to dress as the King himself and even though his cape is not as nice as George’s Prince Phillip cape, he’s still pretty happy he got to wear a crown.

me: I really need to stop stanning hamilton it’s ruining my social life and train of thought and I need to find better things to do with my time

my deadass five minutes later: I JUST GOT HOME AND NOW IM HEADED UP TO NEW YORK

Jamilton Series: Part Nine

(Go here to read the first eight installments!)

Alexander came home after four weeks in the hospital. At first, he’d been tightlipped with Thomas, Lafayette, and even his adoptive parents about why he’d tried to kill himself. Slowly, though, he cracked open. It was on his second night home, home being in Thomas’ apartment, the semester and Alex’s dorm room forgotten until he was fully recovered, that his fault lines split open.

Alex was seated on the couch between Lafayette and Thomas, his head leaning against Thomas’ shoulder. The movie they’d been watching had just ended, and it was time for bed.

Lafayette stood up and stretched, muttering something about how tired he was in French. “Well, mes amis, I will go back to George and Martha’s.”

George and Martha had rented an apartment near campus, so they could stay in the area while Alexander was in the hospital, and then they kept it so they could be near Alex without forcing him to come home. Right now it was only Martha and Lafayette there–– George was back home, as he was needed at work.

Alex whined at Laf’s statement. He reached out to his adoptive brother and pulled him back down onto the couch by one of his belt strap’s. “Nooo,” he mumbled.

Lafayette laughed. “Ah, mon cher, I will be back in the morning,” Laf said while patting Alex on the head.

Both Lafayette and Thomas were shocked when Alex began to cry.

“A-alex?” Thomas said, tentatively reaching out to his boyfriend.

“I’m so sorry,” Alex said between sobs. “I’m so sorry to both of you. T-thomas, you should be enjoying winter break, and L-laf, you should still be abroad, and Mom and D-dad should both be home, together, because I know they hate being apart and I-I’m the one k-keeping them apart,” he said with a shudder.

“Alexander,” Thomas said softly. “Baby, no. All I want to do is help you feel better.”

“Oui, mon cher, Thomas is right,” Laf said, soothingly running a hand through Alex’s hair. “I would much rather be here helping you. Abroad can wait,” he said firmly.

“But I’m so awful!” Alex exclaimed. He shut his eyes tightly and shook his head. “I’m so awful. All I do is let you both help me and what have I given back? I never even told you why, and you’re both so kind you never push! I’m a monster,” he said with a wail.

“Alex, you know we’d never push you. We love you. We just want you to feel better,” Thomas said, cupping Alex’s face.

Alex’s eyes went wide. “L-love?”

Thomas froze. He’d been careful not to say that word again, ever since he’d confessed his feelings to Alex when he was still in the hospital and the smaller boy had said nothing back. He took a deep breath. Maybe Alex didn’t remember the other time. Maybe the medications he’d been on while he still had the fever had messed with his memory. So Thomas was going to own it, and, if Alex didn’t feel the same way, well, Thomas would deal with that later.

“Yes. Alexander Hamilton, I love you. I will never pressure you to tell me something you don’t want to, so long as it’s not hurting you.”

“What about if it’s hurting you?” Alex whispered, his hand coming to rest on the stubble along Thomas’ jawline.

Thomas was silent. Silence.

“Thomas?” Alex prompted, gently running a finger along his jawline.

Thomas wanted to melt into the touch. He wanted all of this to be happening in a different place, at a different time, and, no offense to him, but sans Lafayette. But here they were. On a couch, Alex wrapped up in a blanket, on the verge of telling Thomas and Laf something huge and all Thomas wanted to do was melt into Alexander’s fingertips tracing his face.

Selfish. Silence. Silence is dea––

“I can stand to hurt myself,” Alex said, and Thomas wanted to scream. No, no, NO. “But I can’t stand to hurt you. I’m so sorry. I’m so so fucking sorry, Thomas.” He stared into Thomas’ eyes for a moment before glancing up at Laf, a small smile on his face. “And I’m sorry to you to, Laf. It’s not fair to either of you.”

“Ah, mon cher, we will chat later. This is, how you say, a private affair?” he winked, bringing a blush to both Alex and Thomas’ faces. “I will stop by in the morning, non?” He leaned over and kissed Alex on the crown of his head, then did the same to Thomas, only worsening the boy’s blush. With that, he sauntered out of the apartment, leaving behind him a silence, this time a lighter one, one that led to laughter, and Alex moving close to Thomas.

Thomas made a mental note to thank Laf later.

Alex was sitting in Thomas’ lap, the taller boy’s arms wrapped around him. Thomas gently swayed them back and forth. Alexander could take his time. They had time, and Thomas was willing to wait.

After a few moments, Alexander cleared his throat. “It wasn’t like I’d been actively looking for a way to, you know…”

Thomas bit his lip. Even though Alex avoided saying it, what had happened hung heavy in the air between them. Only Alex’s words could dispel it. Thankfully, he began to speak again.

“But then I got sick, and all of these memories, all of these things I’ve tried to hard to forget, they just rushed into my mind. All I could think of was her, of my mother, dying. And I missed her, Thomas. I still do, every single day. But I’d been trying not to miss her, not to think of her, because it was just too much. After she died, I’d simply kept on living. I had to. I was alone in a strange country. I didn’t have time to properly grieve her.” Alexander paused and sucked in a few deep breaths. It was only then Thomas realized his boyfriend was panting.

“Shh, baby, there’s no rush,” Thomas reassured him.

“I gotta just get it out, Thomas. I gotta get it out of me.” He looked up at Thomas, the pain in his eyes almost overwhelming.

Thomas bit down on his lip again to keep him from trying to stop Alexander. He nodded.

“I’ve always blamed myself,” he whispered. “She died and I survived. Being sick, it reminded me of all of that. Of all of this stuff I’d tried so hard to forget.” Alex shook his head, refusing to meet Thomas’ eyes. “Of course I’ve been sick other times since then, but there was always someone around who noticed right away. I’d never made up my mind to hide it.”

“It should have noticed,” Thomas said, his voice heavy with sorrow.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Alex sighed. “All I meant was Martha would pick up on something with her mom-senses of whatever,” Alex said with an anxious laugh. “But it was more than that. I’d just been feeling depressed, you know?” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, but both Alexander and Thomas knew it was.

“I’d reached some sort of edge, a cliff, and instead of asking for help hiking down it, I jumped.”

Thomas hugged Alex tightly to him and buried his face between his boyfriend’s head and shoulder, breathing in the scent of his coconut shampoo.

“I’m so sorry,” Alex said, his voice raw and broken.

“You don’t––”

Alex cut Thomas off. “I do. I’m saying I’m sorry because I didn’t say it back, that day, in the hospital. And then I didn’t make your visits with me easy. I didn’t ask to see you.” Alex shuddered. “I’m sorry, Thomas,” Alexander said. “I’m so sorry.” He leaned down and kissed Thomas, his apologies melting between their lips.

Thomas tried not to notice. He tried not to notice what was missing. He tried not to notice what Alexander hadn’t said.