jeff-the-killer

  • EJ: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
  • Jeff: What if it bites me and it dies?
  • EJ: That means you're poisonous.
  • Masky: What if it bites itself and I die?
  • EJ: That's voodoo.
  • Hoody: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
  • EJ: That's correlation, not causation.
  • Toby: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?
  • EJ: ...That's kinky.
  • BEN: So, who broke it? I’m not mad, I just want to know.
  • [Silence]
  • Hoody: I did, I broke it-
  • BEN: No. No, you didn’t. Toby?
  • Toby: Don’t look at me. Look at Masky.
  • Masky: What? I didn’t break it.
  • Toby: Huh. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?
  • Masky: Because it’s sitting right in front of us, and it’s broken.
  • Toby: Suspicious.
  • Masky: No, it’s not.
  • Jane: If it matters... probably not... Jeff was the last one to use it.
  • Jeff: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap.
  • Jane: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
  • Jeff: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Jane!
  • Hoody: Alright, let’s not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, BEN.
  • BEN: No. Who broke it?
  • Jason: BEN, EJ has been awfully quiet...
  • EJ: Really?!
  • Jason: Yeah, really!
  • [Cut to BEN in another room, the rest of them fighting in the background]
  • BEN: I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.