jasmine armant

I wish I could be that person who didn’t get raped at a young age. That I could be the person who’s mom didn’t call her obese throughout her whole childhood with a distorted image of body goals because of it. I wish I didn’t care about people because it only leads to problems. That I had someone to be there but I was aware that they were temporary. I guess I can’t deal with temporary pains. I hate the word. Temporary.

Everything is. And that bothers me. It’s the most temporary things that mean the most to me….I guess I don’t realize how easily they could go. So every time this happens, I do something stupid. I fall for people that mean me harm. I create friendships with those who couldn’t care less if I woke up the next morning. I cater endlessly to friends who don’t listen. Who don’t even try to understand! I am the person I want others to be but they view me as temporary. Therefore I mean nothing to them while they mean the entire world to me. Each trial leaves me with less and less of myself.

Cheer up jasmine…it’s gonna get better.

Because I’m the only one who has EVER said that to me. It sucks that people don’t see that I get weaker everyday. I smile. I make them laugh. I spend my money poorly. And I’m just fine because it works for them…but I have damage that began when I was 4! I can’t sleep for weeks at a time and it’s not because of the ‘turn up’. Every shower is a place to cry. Every nap is time spent trying to fix temporary things….temporary feelings….temporary people…temporary situations.

But these situations are very real. And even Rome’s empire fell one day. I don’t want to FEEL at all..none of this stuff feels temporary to me. It’ll haunt me forever. It’ll eat away at me until I consider destroying myself. And it’s that temporary hope I hold onto to make myself not.

You’ll find someone who cares. And not just because you’re crying but because they care…

Is it crazy that I tell myself these things…I always respond with ‘sure’…I always go back and forth between believing in me and life proving me wrong.

I don’t deserve the temporary things because I cherish them so much. And I swear I’m being punished…

But what did I do when I was four to deserve that night..what did I do for my dad to leave when I needed him most…what did I do to deserve friends who attack me and think it’s ok…what did I do to deserve anything else being thrown at me…to be happy for 3 days and have everything crumble on the 4th one…..

What am I doing so wrong….

Who am I hurting to deserve this constant hurt….

What did I do?

I need him to be ok. I need him to be safe. I need to tell him I love him like I know soon it’ll be too late without that in mind.

I’m a horrible person.

And I try to hate everyone but I don’t..I can’t.

I’ve been raped twice…talked about…disrespected by every authority figure in my life…I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved with my whole heart in a five year span…I have no happy place…I graduated early to fulfill something I’m not even sure exists anymore……I have no money…no job…I have nothing. And I’m only 21.

I’ve got my whole life ahead of me?

That’s what scares me….this shit doesn’t end…everyday something else can happen. And I wish it was the way I look at. I wish changing my perspective could bring people back from the dead. It could make others not wanna kill me..it could make me feel less lonely when I look at my phone and can confide in no one unless I can offer them something…

I wish I was this person everyone hopes I’ll be. They say I have potential…I don’t want potential, I want it to be actualized! I want to know I’ll be alright instead of saying it and something happening the next day….

And I don’t believe in world peace but can there just be peace within individuals who are so defeated that they need it to influence the next ones just like them? Is it too much to ask…of course.

Everything, person, memory, happy feeling, safe feeling, enjoyable moment…..is temporary.

If I tell myself the truth maybe I won’t have to ask anyone to understand. I won’t have to bother them for that confidence in their advice as they expect from me….the truth is everything is temporary.

Especially those closest to you. But that’s never what people think until it happens….for me it won’t stop happening.

Not a cry for help.. Just a cry to myself. All alone and loud into my pillow…please leave me alone. Any words you offer won’t help….I’m already aware of how temporary they are and am uninterested in that very quality.