jane what are you doing jane

anonymous asked:

What do you headcanon the pastas to sound like ? I'm curious

I…I made audios. But they got deleted..I had it all planned for when I got this question and when I switched phones they got deleted. Lmao. SO I suggest you follow these channels I linked in the word ‘voice’. They are my favorite for creepypasta audio dramas. I wish I could be as good at writing and at voice acting as them.

Jeff’s voice

Laughing Jack’s voice

Eyeless Jack’s voice

Jane’s voice

Masky and Hoodie’s voice

Toby’s voice

lizzyreads  asked:

Do you have any YA books or manga recommendations? I'm starting to run out of reading materials.

That we do! We’re not sure what you might prefer, so here’s a little bit of everything:

For Hamilton fans: 

For fans of Romance and/or Phantom of the Opera fans: 

  • Roseblood by A.G. Howard (a retelling of The Phantom of the Opera)

Or for Romance that’s more on the realistic side:

For fans of the Red Queen series by Victoria Aveyard: 

For realistic portrayals of grief with a male protagonist: 

For Magical, Realistic books: 

For fans of books more on the humorous and lighter side of things:

  • Secrets of a Reluctant Princess by Casey Griffin (a girl in high school with an unfortunate last name has a father who made a fortune selling novelty bathroom accessories)

For fans of Fantastical Metafictional Adventures:

Some Manga Recommendations:

And, of course, you can never go wrong with the classic mangas like Bleach or InuYasha!


Hope this list serves you well! :) Happy reading, @lizzyreads!

(Also, sorry we didn’t answer this in the reblog, you beat us to it with this ask while we compiled the list. :) )

Literally the only three things you need to know about Jane Austen

1. Her first major novel (Northanger Abbey) was written solely because she was so salty about how dramatic and cliche and formula Gothic novels were. You know what I mean. Every castle is foreboding. Every villain is awful but can’t bring himself to kill the heroine because she’s Too Pure. Every middle-aged female companion wants to do the heroine in. The heroine is Pure and Perfect and Is Good At Everything Young Women Should Be and recites quotes and/or the Bible whenever she’s in danger and that makes everything better. All butlers are evil. Jane Austen wrote a book specifically to go “THIS is how NORMAL people react to things!!!”

2. “She never changed her opinion about books or men”

3. “As a girl she wrote stories, including burlesques of popular romances” and you know what that means. Jane Austen started off writing smut fanfiction. If that’s not writing reassurement that you can be great no matter what you choose to write, I don’t know what is.

(Both quotes from the Penguin Classics version of Northanger Abbey)

Consider this (based on a conversation I had with some friends a while ago): Pride and Prejudice and Zombies for people who actually like Pride and Prejudice.

Look–I tried to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and I got about 20 pages in before I came to the conclusion that the person who wrote it did so out of the belief that the original Pride and Prejudice was stuffy and boring. There were out of character vulgar puns. And the trailer for the movie did not convince me that I had missed anything by cutting short my reading experience.

So, what I’m talking about here is this premise: the world of Pride and Prejudice, but if you die, it’s highly likely, almost certain that your corpse will get up and try to eat people.

But no one dies in Pride and Prejudice, you might say. In fact, few or no people die in any Jane Austen novel.

This is true. But people do get sick with some regularity. Imagine the tension added to Jane getting sick after going to visit Bingley if there was the chance that she would become a zombie after she died. Becoming a zombie in an eligible bachelor’s house probably would have seriously wrecked any chances of any of the living sisters ending up with him.

Imagine Mr. Collins, as a minister, having the duty upon someone’s death of severing their head with a ceremonial plate or something that would prevent the corpse from rising. Obviously important, but this only makes him more self-important and obnoxious.

And dangerous.

For you see, in this version, Mr. Bennett, who stays in his office all the time, whose life is the only thing allowing Mrs. Bennett and her daughters to stay in the house–Mr. Bennett is definitely a zombie. He died at home, and Mrs. Bennett decided that, no way were they dealing with this, and so…just started faking it. Jane and Elizabeth know. The younger sisters don’t.

In this universe, I think we have to go with zombies that are not any faster or stronger than the humans they were, and in fact tend to get weaker as time passes because their flesh is rotting. And…hmm, okay, how about they are pretty violent upon rising, and for about a week afterward, trying to bite people and spread the infection (even though most people are carriers anyway, but getting a nasty bite from a corpse will give you other stuff that will have you die while carrying the virus). But then they calm down and basically just start sort of attempting to act like they did in life, that is, taking habitual actions with no consciousness, in a depressing and desiccated way.

So Mr. Bennett is a zombie, and Mrs. Bennett’s number one goal is to get her daughters married before anyone finds that out. And this, actually, makes Elizabeth’s refusal of Mr. Collins more frustrating for Mrs. Bennett–obviously Mr. Bennett didn’t tell Elizabeth that she could refuse Mr. Collins, because Mr. Bennett is dead, but Mrs. Bennett can’t say anything or the game would be up.

Another question in this version–does Mr. Darcy find out about Mr. Bennett being a zombie somehow? Does Elizabeth find out that he knows and didn’t say anything and this is something that helps repair his earlier actions?

Anyway, this is the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies that I was looking for.

  • BEN: So, who broke it? I’m not mad, I just want to know.
  • [Silence]
  • Hoody: I did, I broke it-
  • BEN: No. No, you didn’t. Toby?
  • Toby: Don’t look at me. Look at Masky.
  • Masky: What? I didn’t break it.
  • Toby: Huh. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?
  • Masky: Because it’s sitting right in front of us, and it’s broken.
  • Toby: Suspicious.
  • Masky: No, it’s not.
  • Jane: If it matters... probably not... Jeff was the last one to use it.
  • Jeff: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap.
  • Jane: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
  • Jeff: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Jane!
  • Hoody: Alright, let’s not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, BEN.
  • BEN: No. Who broke it?
  • Jason: BEN, EJ has been awfully quiet...
  • EJ: Really?!
  • Jason: Yeah, really!
  • [Cut to BEN in another room, the rest of them fighting in the background]
  • BEN: I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Jake English is the most intelligent character in Homestuck. And he hides it deliberately.

For a given value of “intelligence”, anyway. I don’t hold that much truck with the concept in general–there are different kinds of intelligence that run the gamut of human skills, and reducing that to a single concept is reductive, to say the least.

However, it’s hard to deny that there are real cultural forces in our society that do treat intelligence as a monolithic descriptor of skill and worth, and it’s a cultural idea as pervasive in reality as it is in Jake’s character arc.

For that reason alone, I’ll be using “intelligence” as a term referring to Jake’s awareness of and competence at identifying and solving problems throughout this sequence. The term as I am using it here is only relevant in the context of the themes and language Homestuck sets up. 

Intelligence, competence, and awareness are key parts of Jake’s relationship with the people around him, and particularly with the way he is dehumanized, taken for granted, and abused. 

In fact, almost every character Jake is close to in canon questions his intelligence at some point:

And this dynamic isn’t just present in the characters. It’s in the fandom as well. 
Fandom perception of Jake English often considers him comically unaware of his surroundings and reality, dense and slow or even straight up unable to pick up on ideas that come naturally to many of the other characters.

This is true across the board of opinions of his character: Some consider Jake a self-absorbed, thoughtless asshole, others still consider him a helpless victim who isn’t quite quick enough on the uptake to keep up with how he’s manipulated by others.

It’s hard for us–the fandom, I mean–to be sure of just how much Jake understood about how badly Lil Hal treated him (and by association, Dirk, in much of the fandom’s eyes). Or that Jane liked him. Among other things. It’s part of the general air of helplessness and incompetence that surrounds Pages, I guess, and air set up around Jake for quite a lot of his narrative:

(Note: This is Brain Ghost Dirk specifically questioning Jake’s intelligence.  
I hope you’ve got some good note taking pens, because this is going to be important later.)


It’s pretty much accepted that the degree and reach of Jake’s intelligence is, at the very least, a matter of debate. I am here to say that it is not. At all. And I can prove it. By allowing ourselves to doubt Jake’s intelligence, we–the fandom– have performed the equivalent of deciding Dave’s cool guy act is the real deal. 

We have fallen for Jake’s bluff. I’ll explain. 

Plenty of people are aware that Knights, as a class, tend to act out personas that reflect ideas about how they think they should act. 
For Dave, that’s the stoic Cool Guy archetype, which he eventually grows out of:

For Karkat, it’s his ideas of being a Ruthless Big Shot Leader, which he also outgrows by the end: 

And Latula has the thing about being a R4D SK4T3R G4M3G1RL!!! I don’t really think we need a quote to establish that–Dave and Karkat prove my point well enough, and this is pretty much common fandom knowledge. 

What I don’t think is common fandom knowledge is that Pages do the same thing, but for a different purpose. Pages and Knights both set up Personas that they project into the outside world. And both of them do it to control how other people perceive them. But for different reasons.

Knights do it because they want to be perceived as capable, in control, and unflappable, basically. Karkat wants everyone to rely on his executive ability as a Leader. Dave wants to be admired and validated by his friends, or. Well. Anyone. In essence, Knights want to be relied on by others. 

Pages, on the other hand, develop this fabricated identity for themselves. At this point, I should mention I’ve come to agree with Tex Talk’s view that Knights are a passive class and Pages are an active one. 

Knights use their aspect to benefit others. Pages use it to benefit themselves.

Horrus develops a strangely blank persona, so conspicuously fake it is hard to tell if he even reacts to input–so it’s easy for him to just pretend he didn’t hear it when Rufioh tells him he wants to break up–again, I don’t really feel like going through all of Openbound to get all the screencaps and I don’t think they warrant that much space on this post. 

Tavros does the same thing, enveloping himself in his games and fantasy so much that he veers away from almost any responsibility in the session, and does only what he wants to…unless Vriska is stealing that ability from him. However, even through her abuse,  Tavros manages through sheer presentation of his person to encourage the other trolls to help take care of him. 

Specifically, by giving him increased mobility–mobility and freedom of movement being concepts closely related to Breath. It’s worth mentioning Tavros is able to inspire this care not just in Kanaya, but in Equius, who looks down upon lowbloods and whose culture would have encouraged him to KILL Tavros for his weakness rather than help him. 

But because of Vriska’s exploitative and cruel influence on him, I’m not sure to what extent he really lives up to his full potential. That said, he DOES manage to completely live out his own personal fantasy, coming to embody both his childhood image of Peter Pan…

BUT ALSO being the only one of the Alternian trolls to accomplish his original childhood goal: Becoming a Cavalreaper.

Get it? He’s literally cavalry. Ha ha. Is this kind of a fucked up victory? Maybe, yeah. But it’s fitting that the character obsessed with the Peter Pan fantasy of leading a troupe of “Lost Boys” never really grows up with the goals he sets for himself. Maybe it says something about Tavros, or about the nature of Ghosts–either way, it definitely seems intentional. 

Anyway, the Ghosts are another essay for another time. Time to talk about the kid I actually want to talk about:

Jake English has a fabricated persona, too. For Horuss, it’s nothingness. For Tavros, it’s endless childhood and Peter Pan. But Jake’s persona is a contrast to Dirk’s (and Dave’s) Cool Guy persona. Personas that, for each of them, sit at the dead opposite end of the spectrum from who all three characters actually are. 

And for Jake’s constructed persona is that of the Hot-Headed Hero.

And like Horrus and Tavros, Jake indulges this fantasy version of himself even when he actively knows it makes no sense to do so, simply because it’s the fantasy about his life he wants to live out. 


But like Dave and Dirk’s presentation of themselves as cool guys unphased by anything, this persona is a complete lie.

Jake is demonstrably extremely nerdy…

He collects pointless minutiae about his favorite movies and comic books. He looks up to comic book heroines so much he wants to dress up like them. 

And also intelligent, curious, and good at evaluating the potential consequences of his actions–traits he literally willfuly holds himself back from. 


His Modus is by far the most complex of all the kids. He uses a Puzzle Modus that allows him to fit any amount of items he wants in it’s storage space…so long as he can successfully spatially fit every single object within a finite space. 

And Jake captchalogues a LOT of shit. Meaning he has to keep all of this inventory and know how to spatially navigate it to fit everything he wants at all times. And he does this casually, as a part of his daily interactions with the world around him. 

But perhaps more telling than that is how Brain Ghost Dirk describes his own creation: 

Brain Ghost Dirk implies that he is a Dirk splinter, but specifically a Dirk splinter that exists entirely through the ideas Jake has about Dirk. 

In other words, Jake knows and understands Dirk so well that he can pretty much perfectly remember his body, movements and mannerisms on command. Again, not even actively, it’s just kind of how Jake English rolls-thinking about Dirk all the time is the status quo. 

And Brain Ghost Dirk claims to be Jake’s literal brain, talking back to him.

Which means when Brain Ghost Dirk calls Jake out on something, he is forcibly communicating important information to Jake that Jake is actively choosing to ignore. It’s Jake talking to himself, not Dirk giving Jake information he doesn’t have by talking to him through Brain Ghost Dirk.

We have reason to believe the Ghost about this, since Dirk never expresses having any awareness of Brain Ghost Dirk’s existence. 

So what important information does Jake willingly ignore? Well, earlier we saw him justify beating up a random alien girl even though a part of his brain knew she wasn’t actually Sea Hitler, and he kind of just wanted to play the part. But surely we can do better than that. How about everything about his friends’ feelings about him that makes him uncomfortable?

Callmearcturus wrote this brilliant thesis outlining why she thinks Jake deliberately manipulated Jane into failing to confess to him
, but I’m gonna run over it real quick to ground it in this context and sell you on the idea that this is, in fact, not a theory and explicit canon.

Because we don’t need to guess at this by reverse-engineering Jake’s well-established feelings for Dirk. Roxy literally tells him Jane has these feelings before Jane herself does:

Jake recognizes what Roxy is saying, and guesses what she was alluding to on her own. Roxy doesn’t deny it by any measure, and when she asks Jake to drop the issue, Jake says he understands the dilemma this puts her in with Jane. 

To stress: He received this information in confidence and knows it for a fact. And he trusts the information he receives so much that he then ACTS on it. After talking to Roxy, Jake messages Jane himself, OPENING by mentioning Roxy told him Jane was going to be contacting him.

And then he himself broaches the subject of their romantic feelings for each other:

But when Jane outright asks him if he has something he wants to say to her, Jake expertly dodges the question, keeping his options open while putting the onus of taking the first step and revealing her feelings on Jane again. 

And then, once he’s got her trying to answer…

He KEEPS asking her, interrupting her several times while she starts to try sorting out her thoughts. He puts Jane under a LOT of pressure here, which…considering Jake literally KNOWS the answer, is a pretty shitty thing to do! Even if Roxy hadn’t LITERALLY TOLD HIM mere minutes ago, Jane’s reactions here would have confirmed Jake’s suspicions beyond a reasonable shadow of a doubt. 

Unless, of course, one has a reputation for not thinking things through or being aware of their surroundings. 

Once Jake has his answer, he doubles back, making sure to ask her AGAIN while she’s off balance….

And he then shuts her down when she tries to take the initiative on taking it back and being honest, quickly following up by IMMEDIATELY letting her know he’s relieved about this–signaling his disinterest BEFORE she has a chance to reveal she actually does have a stake in the matter.

He then uses his goofy, unaware, trusting persona to set up a status quo where Jane continually helps him by acting as a sounding board for all his thoughts about Dirk–essentially, putting Jane inside a gender-flipped version of the laughable stereotype of The Friend Zone.

But wait a minute. Jane is one thing. But if Jake is actually this smart, aware, and capable–then it kind of has ramifications across all of his character interactions. What else changes if we read Jake this way? I know I said my next post would be on Roxy, but, uh…yeah. This one kind of got away from me. 

In our next entry, we’re going to talk about Why Jake does what he does, and Why he seems so genuinely confused about it later into his narrative. We’re also going to look at some of the other consequences his Jake’s approach to his friendships has for his friends. 

We’ll also make a case for Why exactly Jake ultimately falls in love with Dirk Strider, how and when Jake demonstrates and acts on that love, and if I can manage to squeeze it in–maybe even uncover the way the Heart aspects’ two different themes of  Souls and Romance/Shipping are conceptually connected.

And on that note, it’s worth pointing out that there’s one notable exception to the list of people fooled by Jake’s presented persona. One character who not only never talks Jake’s intelligence down…

But instead talks Jake’s intelligence UP when he talks badly about himself. 

Dirk Strider.

See you again soon, everyone. 

Until then, Keep Rising. 

I can’t even begin to explain how shitty this is????????????????

Also I just can’t see this show going forward from here…michael was such an intrinsic part of the show.

Like…They’re actually going to put Jane and Raf back together, it’s CLEAR that that’s happening. Which is just? So incredibly frustrating

Why save him at all? It’s not like he’s had a huge storyline this season (most of it has been recovery centered which is now. Well.) It feels like they brought him back solely for Jane to lose her virginity to him, as if that would “throw a bone” to this side of the fandom so they could then get on with Raf and Jane. I’m.

They skipped three years so they don’t even have to address the grief. Like. If you’re going to kill a character you should at least properly deal with the ramifications of that I’m sorry.

Bringing back the abusive af rose and Luisa relationship? I’m so tired. I mean I saw it coming but. Honestly what made this show good was the balance between the jane plot and the drug ring plot, and a large part of that had to do with Michael. Both in being with Jane and spearheading the detective aspect. Sin rostro was michaels case. He sacrificed so much for it. He was supposed to be the one to solve it. He was supposed to be the one to finish it. Are we just done completely with the police stuff now? I loved that part of the show and have missed it this season, even with Michael still there.

They didn’t even giving him a good death scene. I get that that’s how life works but really? A throwaway scene in the last minutes of the episode? After everything?

No more Rogelio and Michael

No more Mateo and Michael (or baby Mateo in general which is :( )

No more jane and Michael

And most significantly…Just no more michael.

I’m angry and upset and I realize a lot of that has to do with yes, half of my otp and one of my favorite characters dying. But also the more I process the more I become aware of how sloppy this was written and planned and that’s equally upsetting to me.

jaimecamil We adore you @brettdier ♥ You are everything #JaneTheVirgin

justinbaldoni It’s so rare to meet someone who can instantly make a gloomy day feel so endlessly bright. There wasn’t a day I didn’t look forward to coming to set and laughing with you brother. You are my favorite (and only) alien friend I’ve ever had, and this journey wouldn’t have been anything close to as happy, fun or meaningful without you. You were my first bromance and no one will ever replace you- not even the super handsome and charming @jaimecamil. That place in my heart is carved out for you my brother. I can’t wait to see what you do next! Hollywood - if you are reading this…get ready because @BrettDier is the future. I love you man. We already miss you so much dude. This was tough. #TeamMichael forever. 

andrewsneil  asked:

i would literally give up my firstborn child for another genderswap au bcos jane potter is so hot im deadt

Jane, flirting, tells him his hair looks like a carrot fucked a fire hydrant.

“Charming.” Liam says.

“This is the part where you say something back and we verbally spar.” She responds, leaning with one muddy soccer boot up against the side of the library. McGonagall would have a fit. He puts his hands in his pockets and pretends to look at the street.

“Not today it isn’t.”

“C’mon,” she grins, ducking her head so her hair falls forward. “You’re making me feel bad. You’ve got to say something back otherwise it’s like bullying.”

“What do you mean ‘like’ bullying.”

“Please. If it was real bullying I would have your lunch money.”

“I don’t bring lunch money.”

“Good thing I’m not bullying you then.” She says, cheerfully, and he laughs. It appears halfway through this conversation he got bored with pretending to look at the road and has started actively staring at her again. He turns back.

“Your hair looks like you shoved a fork into a toaster.” He says, and she laughs now.

“’Knew you’d give in. Now we’re both bullying each other.”

He looks back at her. “I thought you said it wasn’t bullying.”

She smirks, soccer uniform covered in mud from making unnecessary slides across the pitch every time she makes a goal, which is often enough that he can see grass burn bleeding on her knees. He’s going to ask if she needs a bandage, and then she quirks her eyebrow at him, and he cannot for the life of him remember his name.

“Evans, you are aware I can see you ogling my legs.” Liam’s head snaps back to the street.

“I wasn’t ogling.”

“You bloody were.”

“I don’t ogle.”

“Fine. Staring. Gazing. Gawking, if you will.”

“I won’t.”

“Liam Evans, staring at my legs in front of everybody”

“There is no one else here.“

“You were ogling.” She pushes off the wall, arms folded and still smirking, advancing on him. “Perfectly understandable really, they are, dare I say it, the best legs this side of London.”

He scoffs, looking at the sky and not at her. “You’re so full of it.”

“I can’t help having great legs any more than you can help having hair that looks like a red traffic light threw up on Amy Adams.”

“Whose Amy Adams?” he feigns ignorance.

“I know you know who fucking Amy Adams is.”

He swings back on his heels. “Hmm, can’t say I do, but you had better watch your potty mouth or I’m going to report you to McGonagall.” He’s looking at her again. God goddammit.

“Minnie loves me.” She’s almost right next to him now, a good head shorter, bag over her shoulder, knees still bleeding. Her glasses are cracked in the left corner.

“She won’t once I tell her how you’ve been bullying me.” He says, and she smiles. The wind blows slightly, and God, she’s fucking pretty. His fingers itch to touch her jawline, the base of her throat, her cheekbone. There is always too much space between them.

“You know the library closes at six.” She breathes, looking at him, “and my practice ends at six-thirty.”

“I have no idea what you mean.” He lies, ridiculously.

“I mean,” her breath hitches, “You wait the extra half hour to see me.”

He wants to do something dumb, like kiss her or kiss her again, but she’s far too clever and pretty and he would have no idea where to put his hands.  The world is impossibly still. His heart is thudding loud enough she must be able to hear it.

A car screeches into the street and reels up next to them, almost clipping the curb. “Potter!” Sarah Black sticks her head out the window and yells to be heard over the radio, “if you get mud on my seats again I’ll punch you in the tit!” Spotting Liam, she nods and takes a drag on her cigarette, “Evans. You’re here again.”

“Well spotted.” He croaks, trying to act normal and doing a bad job. Potter’s arm brushes against his on the way to the car and he shudders.

“Wanna lift?” Sarah asks, and he shakes his head. Jane stares at him through the passenger window, and he stares back. The only reason he comes to the library is to kill time before her practice ends. He would wait in the rain if he had to.

“Amy Adams was in Enchanted.” He blurts out, and Potter grins. He’s so far gone it’s embarrassing. He would do anything to make her look like that.  

Black gives him a weird look. “Don’t take too many drugs on school grounds, Evans, Minnie doesn’t like you nearly as much as she likes me.” She peels away, almost taking out a letterbox in the process, and he starts walking home, thinking about how she has practice tomorrow, and the grass burns on her knees, and the way her breath hitches when she stands to close to him.

The streetlamps go on, and in the harsh light she roars into his head, laughing, covered in mud, a dream girl unbelievably rooted in reality.

ARTPOP rant

Why the general public didn’t like this wonderful album is beyond me. I thought we were over this, but Elton John’s comments reminded me of a post I had intended on making back in 2013 when the backlash started.

Basically, ARTPOP is fucking amazing. Here’s why:

You have Aura, which opens with a lyric about Born This Way Era Gaga’s ‘death’ (”I killed my former and…” is literally the first lyric of the first song) which then transitions to the 'birth’ of ARTPOP Era Gaga with Venus (get it? birth of Venus… btw, an A+ song for talking about both the planet Venus as well as the goddess Venus, and also vaginas), followed by G.U.Y. which deconstructs the terms “guy” and “girl” and re-defines them in terms of the other (G.U.Y. = Girl Under You, G.I.R.L. = Guy In Romantic Love) while making a brilliant CEO-type analogy in the music video and using a sexual metaphor to call out the music industry’s need to put everything in a top 10 chart (”I don’t need to be on top to know I’m wanted”).

Additionally, Gaga included, not random references, but in-context references to Greek and Roman mythologies in the following songs: Aura (the goddess Aura), Venus (self explanatory), G.U.Y. (Himeros, Aphrodite, etc.) Sexxx Dreams (”You could turn to stone or the color of man petrified by a woman” =   Medusa), and Mary Jane Holland (the second verse directly mentions Apollo and the whole song sort of mirrors the story of Apollo and Daphne).

And in terms of literature…an “1984" reference in Sexxx Dreams (”we could be caught, we’re both convicted criminals of thought”) that fits thematically with what the song is about, and a “Lord of the Flies” reference in Swine, a song that many people still don’t realize is about rape, In the aforementioned novel, to explain it lightly, a group of boys are stranded on an island and start to succumb to animalistic behavior, painting their faces and later even putting a sow’s (female pig! swine!) decapitated head on a stick (a very important part of the story and a very iconic part in the film adaptations). Hence the lyric in Swine“Pain your face and paint his face and catch the beat.”

Then you have the brilliance of the tracks that explore contrasting ideologies. For example: Mary Jane Holland vs.Dope (one very much being a marijuana anthem and the other essentially being a huge “Don’t do drugs, kids!” ballad) and, of course, Donatella vs. Fashion! (the first talking about fashion in the shallowest manner possible, and the latter from a purely artistic perspective).

Plus, not to mention the amazing Bowie shout out in Fashion! (”There’s life on Mars, where the couture is beyond!”)

Don’t even get me started on how brilliant Do What U Want‘s lyrics are. It’s literally a big middle finger to the haters and critics. The single cover is literally her saying KISS MY ASS. Lol. It’s not even about sex, although upon first listen you think it is, which is actually the point the song is trying to make about media sensationalism. By proclaimed “do what you want with my body,” she’s telling the public to do what they want with her body of work - i.e. choosing to ignore the symbolic, metaphorical, and artistic implications of a particular outfit or performance. With lyrics like ”Write what you want, say what you want about me” and “I stand up and then I’m okay, but then you print some shit that makes me wanna scream,” it’s difficult to understand how some people STILL think this song is about sex.

On that note, a lot of people fail to see the double entendre in MANiCURE too. It is not about literal manicures. She needs to be “man-cured.” Whether that means she’s craving a man’s touch and needs to be cured,  or she’s replacing male intimacy with female-female relationships and that’s the cure is entirely up to the listener’s discretion. One thing’s for sure though: it’s not about actual manicures!!! Literally so many people I’ve talked to have not noticed this.

Lastly, the way art talks to pop in the first verse of the song ‘ARTPOP’ ("come to me, in all your glamour and cruelty”) and the way pop talks to art in the second verse (“come to me, with all your subtext and fantasy”), and the way they end up coming together in the chorus (”a hybrid can withstand these things”), is one of my favorite things Gaga has ever done as a songwriter. Also, the fact that ARTPOP is not the opening track or the last track on the CD. It’s right in the middle. It’s the heart of the project.

A lot of thought went into ARTPOP. You’re entitled to dislike the album because it may not be your cup of tea or because you enjoyed TFM and BTW significantly more, but don’t you dare say it was stupid or bad when in fact it was freakin’ remarkable.

P.S. I didn’t even talk about Gypsy but it’s, without doubt, one of the best love songs Gaga has ever written. Watch these two performances: this one and this one.

P.P.S. How cool is it that the album cover is Renaissance art (Birth of Venus) and a baroque art (Apollo and Daphne) with contemporary art (Jeff Koon’s gazing ball) and pop (Gaga).in front?

P.P.P.S. Sorry if there are typos but I’m not editing

2

Day 7

Imagine Being The Volturi’s Secretary

For My Followers

Part 1

Signing up for a shady secretary job is one thing but said shady job actually being offered by vampires is another thing.

You’re not a skeptic and you’ve never exactly valued your own life very much so you took the job.

You quickly find out that the Volturi value your life about as much you do.

~~~

“Your job here is to organize the schedule, pass messages onto the masters, welcome us as we come in, say farewell as we leave, do anything we ask, and collect the mail. You are not to open any mail you must pass it onto the masters. You are not to interrupt when the doors are closed, and you are not to divulge the secret. You can continue living your life in town but you’ll find you won’t have time to return to your social life. You will call members of the guard sir or ma'am and the three kings master,” the tall beefy guard explains as he leads me through the old castle. His name is Demetri and he seems annoyed at being given the task to play tour guide.

“Yes sir,” you reply. He grunts and leads you to a nice mahogany desk.

“This is your desk,” he says and gestures for you to sit. You nod and sit down at the desk. There’s a set of pens and pencils on the desk in a straight line and a mac computer. You fold your hands and look up politely at your red eyed boss. “You are to be here at seven sharp every morning and you leave at three unless instructed otherwise. You may have days off if you request them a week in advance. Any questions?”

“None sir,” you answer politely and smile. Demetri rolls his eyes and stalks away. Once the blonde vampire no longer watches you scribble down all the rules he said and place them in the top desk drawer.

You may not value your life but you value work ethic.

So begins your first day as the Volturi secretary.

~~~

You quickly learn names and abilities of all the guard except who don’t seem that bad at all. Of course they’re all horribly frightening and don’t care for you at all but they aren’t rude.

You’re good at your job and you assure to follow all the rules laid out. Even though your job is easy you never slack off in your free time. To keep busy you start hand making a calendar for the Volturi. Each month has a guard member or two sketched out on it while the three kings stand as the cover.

Your main task is organizing fake tours for Heidi to lead so the Volturi can eat without suspicion being raised. Though the screams haunt your dreams you manage to stop flinching every time a tour comes through.

Other jobs include scheduling trials for vampires who’ve broken laws, planning parties, handing on letters, sending gifts to friends of the Volturi, and anything else that is asked of you. Once you had to learn how to fishtail braid so you could braid Jane’s hair.

Overall you’re not happy, you ever are, but you don’t hate your job. The pay is nice and it keeps you busy.

~~~

“(Y/N)!” Jane snaps and you instantly bounce to attention. The blonde vampire is storming up to your desk with a murderous look on her face.

“Yes ma'am?”

“A trial is scheduled for the day of my and Alec’s birthday!” she hisses. “We were supposed to have a ball.” Jane is furious and looks ready to kill.

“I’m sorr-”

“I know it wasn’t you! You keep track of the birthdays ritualistically.” It’s true you have all the birthdays written down and you always plan something if the particular vampire cares about their birthday. “I want to know who told you to put a trial over it!”

Jane is glaring viciously and her hands are clenched.

“Mr Demetri requested it,” you answer calmly.

“I’m going to rip his head off,” she growls. “Thanks.” You’re stunned, none f then has ever shifted blame from you to another member of the guard, and no one has ever said thanks.

“Your welcome but ma'am, is the fault not mine?” you ask curiously.

“It’s not because I know you were ordered explicitly to follow all orders. I also know Demetri is mad because I stole his favorite cloak,” Jane replies curtly and then storms off.

You wonder silently if they’ve started to like you.

~~~

“Dear (Y/N) I wonder if you could help me choose a table cloth for Jane and Alec’s party?” Aro inquires with a sickly sweetness. He called you into the throne room for this express reason apparently.

“Yes I can master,” you say and walk forward. Your heels click on the granite floor loudly, too loudly.

“Never wear heels again (Y/N) they are intolerable,” Caius demands.

“Ah but sweet (Y/N) looks so delicious in heels,” Aro muses. “Felix, and Heidi certainly think so.” The referred vamps immediately hiss and scowl. You feel your face heat up in betrayal to your mind.

“How can they stand the sound?” Caius mutters but everyone disregards him.

“Oh hush brother. Now (Y/N) tell me which table cloth is best?”

You choose the red one which pleases Jane and Alec.

On your way out you purposefully take light steps to cushion the sound.

“Aro this girl has been here for months when will we kill her?”

“Caius we also discussed turning her.”

“We always say we’ll turn them but we never do.”

“This one is different.”

~~~

“(Y/N) will you come to our party?” Alec asks suddenly appearing behind you. You squeak in surprise and whip around to find Jane and him looking at you expectantly.

“If you request I come then I shall sir. Unless I’m indisposed,” you reply nicely.

“What do you mean? What could possibly make you unavailable. You have nothing to do outside this job,” Jane remarks bluntly.

“Ma'am the only way I would miss your party is if I was dead. In my line of work I understand that my death could occur at any moment.”

Jane and Alec both stare in shock and then a certain emotion you couldn’t figure out.

Before you know it Jane grabs your arm in a bruising grip and roughly pulls you to the throne room.

So it’s finally happening, your death.