jamie burne

NHLers and the Olympics (hypothetical)

1/?

Alex Ovechkin goes to the Olympics. No one questions his many carry on bags, or why one looks suspiciously like Nicklas Backstrom.

The NHL is curious as to why Henrik Lundqvist has been playing so poorly for the Rangers during the time of the Olympics. Joel Lunqvist must be feeling off too..he called in sick to work all month. 

Carey Price builds a small wall in his net, then leaves and goes to the Olympics. No one notices the difference. 

Sidney Crosby wants to go to the Olympics but he does not want to let down the Penguins or break the rules. Fleury and Letang put melatonin in  Crosbys PB&J. He wakes up on the Plane next to to Jamie Benn. 

A displeased Jamie Benn is duck taped to a giggly Tyler Seguin. 

Brent Burns smuggles  Joe Pavelski to the Olympics in his beard. 

Shea Weber fires a fake slap shot. It fake hits Markov, Plekanec and Pacioretty. They are all out for the month  with fake and vague injuries. They get fake beards and go to the Olympics under fake names. 

Erik Karlsson is very handsome. He tells the league he is going to the Olympics, they are distracted by all the handsome and tell him its fine.

No one wants to have to tell Tuukka Rask he cant go to the Olympics, so no one does.

playing “guess what team this hockey player is on” w/ my brother

he knows nothing about hockey and here are the highlights

  • sidney crosby
    • ironically, seconds after establishing that the only 2 teams he knew of were the canucks and the penguins, he guessed that sid played for the canucks
    • “didn’t he score some important goal for vancouver in some big hockey championship thing??”
      • spoiler: he was thinking of the van 2010 olympics
      • he does not accept this though, continues to insist sid is captain of the canucks
        • stop him
  • max paciorrety 
    • him, immediately upon hearing the name: “MAXIMUM PATCH”
      • “he probably plays for a very patchwork team. what’s a patchwork place? florida. he plays for the florida…. panthers.”
      • me: “that… actually is the name of a team. not pacioretty’s team but, a team. did you know that?”
      • “no i guessed”
      • i gave him a point for it anyway
  • henrik sedin
    • he somehow started thinking he was related to the colour brown somehow (don’t ask how) 
      • “what’s brown? …the water in kentucky”
      • “the shitty teams are brown. he plays for the… oh! the boston bruins”
      • @ bruins fans i apologized but i laughed, i did
    • “give me a hint” “how about i give you his brother’s name. plays for the same team, it’s daniel”
      • “daniel… henrik… handle… dendrik” (continues for 30 seconds) 
      • me: “maybe… maybe focus on the team instead of just how to combine their names?”
    • “are they on a canadian team?” “yes” “the… toronto maple leafs” “no”
      • my brother lives in vancouver and really should know this one
      • he does not
      • literally there was a canucks jersey (mine) hanging up behind him while we were doing this and i,
    • i had to tell him henrik sedin was captain of the vancouver canucks and he said
      • “i thought that was sidney crosby”
      • TO MY FACE
  • jamie benn
    • “could you have possibly given me a more generic name??”
    • gave his brother’s name for a hint again
      • this was before the montreal trade. do svidanya jobenn (((
    • he managed to narrow it down to the state of texas
      • “there’s a team in texas?? where???”
      • “i’m gonna guess houston. jamie… jordie… a lot of j sounds… i’m gonna say they play for the houston giraffes”
  • brent burns
    • “burns, burns, what burns…. california is experiencing draughts..” “you’re getting close actually” “really? wow”
      • “sacramento.. san jose… i know san jose has a team! the san jose… uhh…”
      • (our dad) “here’s a hint, we had a chance to swim with them on our last vacation but you slept in”
      • “oh! i think that was a called a… a takihiti fish.” (our dad, quietly: no.) “yes. the san jose takihiti fish”
  • pk subban
    • “pk?? does that stand for something??” “yes, parnell karl” (our dad, whose name is karl: “nice”)
    • tbh i don’t remember what he guessed but he sat there repeating “pk subban… pk… suuuu… bannnn.. subban… Suuub’n. P… K… Subban” to himself for like 2 minutes and that was hilarious to me for some reason
  • geno malkin
    • “geno… sounds italian” 
      • me: *tries to tell him geno’s actual name w/ my best attempt at pronounciation* him: “…yebbie veggie?” 
    • “idk man give me a hint” 
    • “ok so… his captain played in the 2010 vancouver olympics”
    • “…his captain is sidney crosby”
    • “yes!”
    • “so he plays for the vancouver canucks!!”
    • “no.”

FOR A HEART-STOPPING SECOND I THOUGHT THEY A C T U A L L Y SNAPPED JAMIE’S NECK UNTIL I REALIZED THEY DIDN’T. I SCREAMED.

JUST THAT DAMN CHORD SOUND I THOUGHT WAS LIKE HIS BONES GRATING TOGETHER BUT IT WAS JUST SPOOKY NOISES BUT JUST,

THAT SCENE MAN.

I WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE JAMIE SCENE.

CARTOONS ARE JUST FOR LITTLE KIDS MY ASS.

NHL Hair, according to me 

Adam Cracknell: gets his first hatty &
half his goals are w the stars


Stars fans: 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

10

I asked @lenora-rauch for their first impressions of a bunch of NHL players. This is what happened.

10

TURN: Washington’s Spies | S3E2 Cold Murdering Bastards

 ↳ “You never know, you might be hanging with me. At any rate, you’ll be shown to be the fool that you really are.”