I wonder if a person can be happy. Truly happy. Happy with themselves. Happy with their friends and family. Happy with their lives. I guess you could, but not for long. I try to be that bubbly happy person that everybody wants to be around so that others around me won’t feel the pain. I try to be helpful and kind so others around me won’t have to cry. But it’s all wasted energy.
I can’t make them see the goodness when all they want to see is the flaws. And it makes me sad. It makes the happy one sad that through all her efforts she still cannot help those who see only darkness. And that darkness clouds their better judgement and forces them to scorn the happy. Why should I be happy when others are so sad?
That’s what happens to the happy. They constantly receive blows to their self esteem, trying to look strong, but withering day by day. I wish I could say I was strong enough to take those blows, but I’m as weak as the insecure. And that makes me upset, broken, depressed. It makes me sad. I don’t enjoy being sad, but there are times I will let the depression engulf me. Swallow me whole and have me drowning in regret, sorrow, and pain.
Day by day I wear the mask, hoping my glow will pierce the darkness. And night by night, I peel it off and let the tears slide down my cheeks. I wallow in my pain to reflect and connect with myself, trying to find an answer. Trying to gather up enough strength to swim to the top and breathe in the sunlight. Knowing I’m not wanted. Knowing I’ll never be good enough. Knowing my time is wasted and nobody will care. But I try anyway because one day my efforts will light another’s darkness. And that’s what Hope does.
"You know who I am" - You have always been an awesome person in my book, and to seeing those words honestly surprises me! May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows.. Oh, a question! Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me surprising? I thought I was pretty predictable.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? Teaching dance somewhere far away from my dad with the degrees I want and living happier.
I do know who you are and thank you for your kind words :)
1. Touch her waist. 2. Actually talk to her. 3. Share secrets with her. 4. Give her your jacket. 5. Kiss her slowly.
Are you remembering this? 6. Hug her. 7. Hold her. 8. Laugh with her. 9. Invite her somewhere. 10. Hangout with her and your friends together.
KEEP READING .. 11. Smile with her. 12. Take pictures with her. 13. Pull her onto your lap. 14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back. 15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.
Are you thinking of someone? 16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her. 17. Kiss her unexpectedly. 18. Hug her from behind around the waist. 19. Tell her she’s beautiful. 20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it. 21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman. 22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it. 23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her.
24. Make her feel loved. 25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!
WE MIGHT DENY IT BUT WE ACTUALLY LIKE AND KINDA WANT YOU TO TICKLE US .. 26. Don’t lie to her. 27. DON’T cheat on her. 28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants. 29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her. 30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.
ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT. 31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too. 32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her. 33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her). 34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.
REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT .. 36. When people diss her, stand up for her. 37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her. 38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you. 39. When walking next to each other grab her hand. 40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED. 41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams. 42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears. 43. Take her for long walks at night. 44. Always remind her how much you love her. 45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.
You’ll never know when she needs just a little more love .. ♥!
That person who can’t get it right. That person who always seems to mess everything up when things are going well. I work against myself and others often. I do this because I can’t function in any other way. I have bad tendencies. But I also have good intentions. I may not know how to brighten my day, but I can clear the skies for another. I may not give the answers they want, but I give them the truths they need to hear. And though I can’t help myself, I know how to save a friend from harm. I wish I could say I was whole, that I’m not self-destructive. That maybe one day i can be complete, happy, successful…perfect. But my goal was never to be perfect-just to become the happy one, the better person, the one plus in the sea of negatives. Because somebody has to be.
You see I’m spending my spring break with my Granny (<3) and I can’t drive. So I used public transportation to get from San Marcos to Los Angeles. The journey itself was an amazing experience.
I got to Union Station no problem, got a little confused on the subway, and was terrified when I had to take the bus. It wasn’t the bus that scared me-it was the druggie that wouldn’t leave me alone at the bus stop.
I go up to the oversized mapon the wall to find my bus and dude comes up behind me and says, “Mmmm girl how you doing? Can I have a hug?” and tries to put his arms around me. I freak out and duck under him and find a place to sit with other people (this is happening in broad daylight by the way). You think he would have gotten the hint, but he wastes no time following me to where I’m sitting. He just stands in front of me, staring. Cigarette burning in hand, he’s still trying to get at me, despite my efforts to get rid of him. Apparantly he doesn’t know what “You’re making me very uncomfortable” or “Your smoking is bothering me. Please go elsewhere” or “Will you leave me alone” means. So I gave up and ignored him. He still didn’t get the hint and continued staring. I started shaking when he stepped closer.
And that’s when I was saved. Two black men noticed what was going on and stepped up to aide a sista. They called him out and got him to leave me. Mr. Ass gets the hint when he finds he’ll get his ass kicked soon. So he finds another girl and harasses her. They stay near me and make sure I’m okay. And they call the cops on him.
One of the men helps me find my bus and goes with me to make sure I safely reach my destination. While on the bus, A preacher gets on and starts glorifying the Lord and teaching His word. Normally I would have tuned it out, but that day I listened. And (because black people like to talk) the man with me told the bus my story and everyone wanted to help me. They were in awe that I didn’t live in L.A. I got the county sheriff’s phone number and the L.A. transit hotline so I wouldn’t need to be confused on where I had to go next time. The preacher (Joseph) was getting off at my stop, so he walked me to my street, all the while preaching.
You can believe what you want, but God was definitely watching over me that day. It's easy to find trouble when your surroundings are new. But, I’ve learned that people will help those in need and not all men are bad. It’s funny how I barely follow my religion, yet He still cares about me. Still wants me to do something in this world…but what?
I asked for help because I trusted you. And instead you find my secrets and share them with the world. I don’t go through your shit and broadcast it. So what if I hid it? You had no right to go looking.
How dare you lie to me.
You think my feelings are a toy? You think I enjoy being the object of torment? Isn’t bad enough that you won’t respect my privacy? That you lied about it? And it may be funny to you now, but you’re not the one who has to deal with the outcome. You’re not the one who has to live with the embarrassment.
How dare you call yourself my friend.
No friend of mine would intentionally hurt me the way you did. The point is, it’s fine when we joke around, but when you go too far and see the pain in my eyes, yet continue laughing…how can I forgive that? Would you forgive that? Why should I give you a second chance?
I’m forever thankful to have you in my life. Really. I can’t think of anyone else that I’ve been this close to ever. I feel like I can tell you anything and I won’t be judged, only advised and/or comforted. I know I can be close-minded and mean sometimes, but you deal with it and that’s more than I deserve. You make my days brighter and more meaningful. That God put you in my life was no accident. As you open a new chapter in your life, I pray you won’t forget me and that we will always be close. I love you and I always will. Thank you. <3
“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.” - Buddha
Is it wrong that I find myself growing closer to my friends? It really hurts when I find my relationship with my family will never be healed. In fact it’s an insult to even call my family family. We don’t talk, we don’t acknowledge one another, we don’t even hug anymore. We don’t love each other anymore. It’s as though my living arrangement is just that-a living arrangement. I eat, sleep, shit, work and pay rent and that’s it. Whatever speech happens in my home accusational, hurtful, demanding, never loving. Maybe it’s wrong to say there is no love, when at least my mom will make some effort. But shouldn’t this be a team effort? Maybe this system is better than most. At least I don’t have to hide from my parents or worry if I will eat. Eventually this system will collapse…then where will I be?