Which Confederate General Should You Fight?

ROBERT E. LEE: First of all, what is wrong with you.

STONEWALL JACKSON: This one’s a tough call.  The guy’s scary in battle, but if you want to beat him one-on-one, all you have to do is pretend to be a doctor, make up a wacky disease on the spot, and tell him he has it.

JAMES LONGSTREET: If you want to fight Longstreet, just remind him of his tragic past and make him really sad, but then again why would you do that???

J.E.B. STUART: You’re going to really, really want to fight J.E.B. Stuart, but you won’t be able to catch him, since he’ll probably be running circles around you and laughing.

LEWIS ARMISTEAD: I’m guessing you also like to kick puppies in your spare time.

GEORGE PICKETT: Fight him.  Ask him where his division is, and then hit him.

JOHN BELL HOOD: I don’t know, you’d probably feel like fighting him, but the dude has one leg and one usable arm.  As much as you’d like to mess with Texas and take him on, that’s probably grossly unethical.

RICHARD EWELL: The guy’s got a bird face and peg leg.  However, he is not opposed to hitting you with his own peg leg.  I think you might as well fight him.

A.P. HILL: This dude has gonorrhea, so you shouldn’t have sex with him, but you can fight him.  When you’re fighting him, though, you won’t be able to tell if you’ve made his chest bleed or something because he always his lucky red shirt.  And this isn’t Star Trek.

JUBAL EARLY: Lewis Armistead once broke a plate over his head.  You, too, are welcome to use Jubal Early to break things.


P.G.T. BEAUREGARD: His name is silly and French.  You should probably fight him.  Actually, no, just do.  Fight his silly French ass.

LAFAYETTE MCLAWS: His first name makes him sound like a lovable French marquis, but his last name makes him sound like a grumpy crab.  In any case, you should fight him. Unless you’re a peach tree or Dan Sickles’s leg, you should be okay.

Obit of the Day: The Iceman Dieth

Robert Ettinger read a short science fiction story by Neil R. Jones. It changed the death industry forever. Titled “The Jameson Satellite,” Jones told the story of a dead man who was launched into space to orbit earth until he could be revived by an advanced alien species. From this Ettinger developed “cryonics,” the freezing of the dead in the hopes of resurrecting them sometime in the future when medical science advanced to the point of curing any disease.

But for Ettinger, a University of Michigan physics professor, this was more than a theory, he saw it as a way to improve society. He believed that family members would work harder to pay for the upkeep of their frozen relatives and criminals would be less likely to commit crimes knowing that they could be hunted down even after death. (Take a moment and think about all the holes in those theories…and we’re back.)

Professor James Bedford became the first cryogenically frozen person in 1967 only three years after Ettinger published his book on the subject: The Prospect of Immortality. Since then only 200 people have chosen the cryonics process. (The most famous “client” was baseball Hall of Famer Ted Williams, whose time in cryonics preservation did not go well.)

Ettinger, who called himself an “immortalist,” will be frozen and sent to stasis with his two wives and mother. His son and daughter will eventually join him.

(Image of a cryonically frozen body courtesy of Davidszondy.com)


The First Person to be “Successfully” Cryogenically Frozen

Although there was at least one earlier aborted case, it is generally accepted that the first person frozen with intent of future resuscitation was 73-year-old psychology professor James Bedford. He was preserved under crude conditions by CSC (Cryonics Society of California) on January 12, 1967.

In the cryonics community, the anniversary of his cryopreservation is celebrated as “Bedford Day.” The story even made the cover of a limited print run of


magazine before the presses were stopped to report the deaths of the three astronauts in the Apollo 1 fire instead.

Bedford’s body was maintained in liquid nitrogen by his family in southern California until 1982, when it was then moved to Alcor Life Extension Foundation, and has remained in their care to the present day.




As feellikedancingtonight said [x], this moment is far too important to spoil with a watermark slapped right across our boys’ beautiful lovelorn faces. So have a totally new (and subtly improved) scan from my recent ebay harvest.

Scan & Photoshop work by me, exponential63