jake's dumb characters


Will hopefully be playing in a semi-local friend’s game starting next month so here’s the character I came up with for that. :D

Alejandro de Monçada, Chaotic Good Bard. Plays the flamenco guitar and sings, and is ‘pretty handy’ (i.e. utterly lethal) with his rapier and parrying dagger (mechanically a buckler). Heir to the noble and venerable House de Monçada and absolutely NOT the bastard half-brother of the true heir de Monçada and merely pretending to be a proper aristocrat to fleece the nobility of foreign lands, how dare you imply such a thing. Alarmingly good at games of chance, particularly for an ostensibly respectable aristocrat. An utter skinflint with anyone who can afford to be brought down a peg, but a generous tipper toward those in service jobs (tavern servers, particularly). Quietly sends money when he can to a middle-aged common woman (and former tavern maid) in his home country who lives quite near to the Casa de Monçada and to whom he- such a coincidence! -bears a bit of a resemblance… along with his noble father of course. Speaks with a perfectly natural accent that is not at all exaggerated to enhance his foreign mystique. Sounds somewhere between Inigo Montoya and Antonio Banderas.

“I never lie to a friend, a lover, or a priest…. though I have been known to exaggerate.”

Since people really seemed to like the saga of Olaf Olafson, I’m gonna tell you guys about one of my own characters, Brenan the Punch Wizard.

My friend was running a Dragonlance game back in college, and I jumped at the chance to not have to DM for once. I ended up rolling up a Neutral Good farmboy mage whose proclivity for magic was discovered relatively late (like… late teens) and so compared to the other wizards he was a total hayseed who knew fuckall about the theory of magic. His familiar was an his old farm dog ffs. An Australian Shepherd with a red neckercheif.

Well, he passed his test and became a White Robes mage (as you do when you’re not a shithead) and started going on more frequent adventures. Brenan quickly established himself as a pretty excellent hard-counter to enemy meatheads, with his suite of nonlethal spells targeting their usually weaker Will save. He was a good kid. He really didn’t want to kill anybody. We took a lot of prisoners with Brenan around.

Eventually, though, we started running into the Plot, which meant- among other things -running into a lot of Evil Wizards. Their Will saves were usually pretty damn high and so there was little chance of catching them with Sleep or Charm Person or the like. But almost all the spells that targeted their Fort save were kinda brutal, and the Reflex saves weren’t much better. He could counter-spell them sometimes, but not always, and it didn’t solve the problem, really. Just put the onus of murder on our Solamnic knight, running up and stabbing the cackling Black Robes with a huge fuckoff sword. That wasn’t very satisfactory, either. What’s a near-pacifist to do? Fireball?  Finger of Death? It was a dilemma.

Until Brenan picked up a null-magic zone spell. I can’t remember the name of it. But you cast it, and for a fairly sizable area, nobody could cast any spells. The enemy mages and clerics would start to fret, but they felt secure at least that Brenan was equally screwed.

Only, he was a farm boy. With a Str of 16 and a feat in Unarmed combat.

By the time that campaign ended, Brenan had personally captured over a dozen renegade Black Robes and dragged them back to the Tower for judgment. They hated and feared him- most of all because he didn’t even have the decency to kill them. No- every last one of the world-bending megalomaniacal sorcerers he defeated had to live with the knowledge that they’d been beaten by a farm boy prodigy and his mean right hook.


High Farseer Alethea, on foot.

Got this awesome mini for my birthday courtesy of the ever-amazing @iratescientist.

I’m very slowly getting better at painting skin; like most things in mini painting the trick is lots of translucent layers and patience.

Probably use this mini as a “counts-as Eldrad Ulthran” in friendly games where my opponent isn’t looking forward to facing a jetbike heavy list.

Ultramarines Captain Alexander Titus Maximus, fresh out of stasis, a vein throbbing at his temple: “Is that a prayer on parchment? And you want to fix it to my power armor with candle wax?! Do I look like a WORD BEARER to you, ‘Chaplain’?!”

A. Titus Maximus after 100 years in the Indomitus Crusade: “To confirm: my home planet’s become a Cardinal world for the Ecclesiarchy and you want me to fly down to a Cathedral to meet an Inquisitor.” *pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs softly* “…Give me five minutes to shave.”

Meanwhile, every single goddamned Word Bearer in the Eye of Terror:

Meet my newest annoying OC. This guy’s a 30k era Dark Apostle from the Word Bearers legion who achieved his apotheosis sometime in the last 10,000 years, and so is still around to menace/taunt/monologue at his nemesis, Captain Alexander Titus Maximus of the Ultramarines.

Still working out the details, but I definitely want him to blame/credit Alexander Titus with his ‘enlightenment,’ probably in the devastation of Monarchia.

For best results, imagine the following spoken somewhere between Tim Curry as Darkness and Doug Bradley as Pinhead voice:

“In that abject moment, when my lust for vengeance became an all-consuming wrath, when the pinnacle of hope was transfigured into the ashes of despair … I looked upon the true face of the divine.”


Prinaris Captain Alexander Titus Maximus. In addition to his other honors, he bears the mark of the XIII Legion on his armor, a veteran of the dark days of the Horus Heresy. Ten thousand years in stasis has done nothing to numb the pain of loss piled upon loss, but his Primarch has need of him, so the veteran returns again to the crucible of battle.


Aesthetic post for my Age of Sigmar Free City: Ravenstead

Ruled by the semi-divine sorceress-queen Selara Duskmoon for generations, Ravenstead has stood fast against all aggressors and welcomed many people of many races into its fold, growing from a highland fortress to a city of dark beauty, its spires and terraces breathtaking, as are the surrounding mountains and deep forests, but all are somehow unsettling to those who have not lived long in their shadow.

Aelves, humans, and duardin call Ravenstead home, united in their desire for peace and safety, and by their veneration of the Lady Selara, Crowned in Moonlight. For it is by her strange powers over shadow and mist that attackers are led astray deep into the forests, and that Ravenstead’s armies may move unnoticed by their foes until it is far too late. Anyone may join the ranks of Ravenstead’s armies, donning the dark livery and training in stealth, woodcraft, and sword, bow, or crossbow depending on their preference and ability. Those accustomed to duardin of other nations are often surprised by how quietly they may move through the undergrowth, unleashing deadly volleys from their crossbows. Those expecting the aelves to behave as other woodland Wanderers are often surprised to find them suddenly attacking from below; moving through labyrinthine subterranean tunnels and emerging faultlessly on target. Those accustomed to human reverence for Sigmar may be surprised by the devotion they bestow instead upon their Dark Lady, regarding storms and thunders only with farmers’ suspicion.

Despite its sinister atmosphere and bleak reputation, Ravenstead is a thriving community full of surprisingly cheerful citizens, with very little civil strife within its own borders. There are enough foes in the mortal realms without making more- the people of Ravenstead are generous and even welcoming to any who seek peace and follow the few laws of Lady Selara.

Recently, the nearby Dreadstone Wastes saw the rise of a dire coven of sorcerers sworn to the Changer of Ways seek to raise a horde and flood the pass guarded by Ravenstead, hammering against its walls for many days and threatening to break through more than once. At this dark moment, the skies grew even darker and the ground split with deafening thunderbolts, and a shining silver and golden host surged forth and turned the chaos horde’s flank. This was the Thunderstruck Vanguard, Hallowed Knights sworn to the service of King Keldor Thunderstrike, come to aid the city against this attack.

Queen Selara granted the Vanguard a mighty keep at the opposite end of the mountain pass, warding her city against the return of the forces of chaos. While relations between the two factions was tense at first, with much speculation on both sides as to the other’s true goals, tensions have eased as many of the Stormcast have moved into Ravenstead and become model citizens, forming bonds of friendship and even love with the people there.

King Keldor Thunderstrike, Lord-Aquilor of the Thunderstruck Vanguard

In his mortal life, Keldor was war-king of a growing confederation of nomadic peoples, binding them together to resist the encroachment of warbands sworn to the Ruinous Powers. Over the course of a decade the situation became increasingly fraught, with skirmishes and bloodshed growing more and more common along the borders. All the while, reavers sworn to the Skulltaker began raiding deeper and deeper into the territory of Keldor’s people.

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Preliminary Dark Eldar Characters

Lady Erys Voidtalon- Archon

Rough background: Born as Eryssa Siamun, daughter of Meshadi Siamun, younger sister of Keuna Siamun, she found life aboard Craftworld Tel-Rethan to be entirely too strict and limiting. She tried channeling her vicious streak into combat paths- Striking Scorpions and Howling Banshees alike -but could not contain herself aboard the Craftworld and was ultimately banished.

She fell in with the newly formed Caliranite Empire fostered by Tel-Rethan’s sometime ally Craftworld Lonad-Shair, and was instrumental in shaping the group of shock troops who would come to be called Void Talons. She remained with Caliran for a time, but ultimately she strained even their greater tolerance for hot-headed cruelty, and they arranged for her to travel to Commoragh, where she might find aeldari more suited to her.

There taking the name Erys Voidtalon, she moved between the arenas of the Wych cults and a number of Kabals before finally forming her own Kabal, the Voidtalon Reavers. Leading them into Realspace and usurping the leadership of the Tel-Rethan aligned “Venomtide Corsairs,” Erys has at last come home- though none who remember her old name would begin to suspect that this black-souled pirate was once their own princess, least of all her niece- the current High Farseer, Alethea Siamun.

Likes: Being The Boss, Plunder, Sowing Terror, Razorwings (birds), Razorwings (jets), Cheating Like A Pirate, Being Virtually Worshipped By A Gaggle Of Half-Born Void Dogs (think the War Boys and Immortan Joe)

Dislikes: Obligation, Fair Fights, Rules

Dame Vitria Shadefall- Succubus

Rough Background: Popular arena combatant, then she got a tiny scratch on her face. Now she wears a harlequin-style face mask because she’s so fucking Extra she considers the scratch Disfiguring

Likes: Combat, Drugs, Combat Drugs, Showing Off, That Thing Where You Slice Someone Into Pieces But There’s A Beat Before They Fall Apart Into Beef Stroganoff, Capris and Uggs Apparently

Dislikes: Armor, Guns, Unworthy Opponents

Arakhos the Flenser- Haemonculus

Rough Background: Uhhh… MD from Commoragh University?

Likes: Pain (any), Suffering (others’, mostly), Unnecessary Surgery, Maniacal Laughter, the art of H. R. Geiger and Gunther von Hagens

Dislikes: Restraint, Medical Ethics, Boredom


Banshee Mask for my Wraithknight!

Took a couple nights’ work and more than one failed attempt but I finally got a look I’m reasonably happy with. Thought about adding a forehead piece to make it look more like a Banshee helmet but fundamentally don’t want to undermine the “large blank faceplate” look Wraith units have going on. Tried to cut some thin strips of plasticard and twist them into something resembling hair, but it didn’t look good, so I left it off. Maybe I’ll revisit those ideas down the road.

But for now, the Valarayen twins are back on my shelf, plus one banshee mask and some touch-ups and a bunch of snow for their base.


Wraithknight Valarayen

Piloted by the former Howling Banshee Sydri Valarayen, and containing the spirit of her fallen twin sister Lirana Valarayen, this Wraithknight bears the colors and sacred nebulae of Craftworld Tel-Rethan. Each nebula marks a waypoint in their millennia-long journey through the void, a guidepost lighting the way to their ultimate home as foretold by the great Farseer Iolanthe Siamun.

Sometimes I think about how in the Pilot Holt said “we’ll start with him”, referring to Jake, when asked how he was going to proverbially whip the Nine Nine into shape. Like, the statement is so … not harsh, exactly. But very clearly indicating that Jake isn’t good enough? For Holt’s standards, you know, because he wants their precinct to be The Best and to DO their best and Jake just doesn’t seem like he takes anything, least of all his job, seriously.

And I think about that statement, “we’ll start with him”, that sounds so harsh and blunt and yet looking back now, how much has Holt done for Jake in terms of guidance and support? How much love and time and patience has Holt spent that honestly Jake desperately NEEDED, and, coming to the halfway point of season three, HOW MUCH has Jake grown because of Captain Holt? Because Holt took that statement and instead of giving up or trying to bully Jake into getting his act together, he spent so much time and effort and dedication subtly guiding and supporting and encouraging Jake in all the right things. He was strict and disciplined and harsh at first, yeah, but you notice that as Holt gets to know Jake (and the rest of the nine nine) better, that edge of defensiveness in his leadership disappears entirely.

And his determination to carry out that statement? (Because I’m sure somewhere along the way Holt amended his sentiment, no longer intending to “fix” Jake, as it were, but rather gently nudge him in the right direction, and look at how much good that’s done? LOOK AT HOW FAR THEY’VE COME?? And not only has Holt taught Jake, he’s also LET Jake teach him, and is more and more willing to loosen up and indulge in some of Jake’s goofier shenanigans because he knows how much it means?? Aaaah)

Jake’s like 68% less of a Mess now than he was at the beginning of the show, and oh my goodness, he had so many good qualities there to begin with but now thanks largely to that “we’ll start with him”, those qualities have been given an outlet to truly shine through constructively and Jake’s just come so far and I’m so proud of him I bet Holt’s so PR O U D of him and I’m so highkey about the character development and relationships on this goofy comedy show but you know what Captain Raymond Holt said “ we’ll start with him” and look at where they are now


These are for kaijuslayer because all of his characters are awesome. We have (in order L - R) Varian, Alkurah, Atriya and Masano, all of whom don’t get enough love but especially the latter (I’ve never drawn the last 3 before at all, which is why I’m sorry in advance if I got the colours or outfits or anything wrong yikes).  

4/7 - There will be 3 more soon, when I blow through some other work, but these were literally the most fun I’ve ever had doing portraiture. :D His characters are all so gorgeous and wildly different from one another. Go follow him if you don’t!

(Hope you like them Jake!)