jake the hat


Professor Amy Santiago might be smart enough to be a Ravenclaw, but honestly she’s the most ambitious person at Hogwarts and quite capable of being sly and scary clever so years ago the hat put her in Slytherin and never second guessed the choice. Now she’s Head of House (and gunning for the position as the youngest Deputy Headmistress in the history of Hogwarts). She teaches Transfiguration, it’s a theory based subject which takes not only power but tons of concentration and attention to detail (‘as you transform the rat into a goblet don’t forget to remove the fur or whiskers’), and as soon as human transfiguration comes into it it’s also one of the more dangerous magical arts ('be careful, you might accidentally transform him inside out’). She comes from a family of  halfblood ‘blood traitors’ and wears it proudly.

Gina Linetti is the most Slytherin person to ever Slytherin. As the Hogwarts Librarian she’s in the middle of all school gossip, after all the Library is the place for whispered secrets and she has half a dozen listening spells placed in every nook and cranny. She knows everything and it’s gonna cost you to know it too. She finds it a great bonus that as the Librarian she doesn’t actually need to do anything, just put her legs on the table lean back and look over her empire (anything she can’t catalog with a simple spell she can rope a few Ravenclaws into doing for her for ‘extra credit’ ‘ah the power’). No one ever believes that she’s a muggleborn.

Professor Rosa Diaz might have been a Slytherin in another life, but she’s frankly a bit too bloodthirsty and battle hungry for them. Gryffindors however… Gryffindors look at her with stars in their eyes as if she’s the second coming of Godric. She’s the Head of House for the lions because frankly there’s probably no one else who can keep the little monsters in line quite like she can. Her DADA lessons are terrifying and brilliant. Blood status unknown and no one will ever be stupid enough to ask.

Professor Jake Peralta, a clear example of a goodhearted and brave Gryffindor. He’s the Charms professor and it’s a notoriously noisy and chaotic class that’s all about inventiveness and PA-POW of magic. He doubles as the Flying professor for the first years during September and is the one who gets more involved in his house’s Quidditch team’s training because Rosa can’t be trusted not to drive them to boot-camp levels of exhaustion (of course any time they’re playing Slytherin he and Amy go a little overboard with their competitiveness too). He’s a halfblood who grew up in the muggle world alone with his non magical mom (because his absent magical father’s a complete dick). He and Gina have been friends since before Hogwarts.

Professor Charles Boyle is a Hufflepuff and the school’s Potions Professor. He’s actually pretty good with the kids (though the bullies tend to walk all over him until Gina terrifies them into compliance). He’s a decent teacher even though he seems to forget it every new start of the year. His subject is always at least 40% gross and the students (and teachers) are thankful that the House Elves have placed on him a life-long ban on entering the kitchens. He’s a pureblood from a large extended family, the Boyle’s are like garden gnomes, they’re everywhere.

Deputy Headmaster Terry Jeffords is a walking commercial of a Hufflepuff Head of House, his kids adore him and so do basically all the kids from the other houses too. All the first years who are missing home go to him because he always wipes their tears and makes them feel like home, he can shame the meanest bully to tears with just his disappointed face. He’s the Herbology teacher because have you seen most of those plants? They need the hand of a mother-hen just as much as the kids do (and the other professors, because honestly they’re the real children at Hogwarts (they’re the ones who never left after all)). Pureblood and married to a muggleborn witch.

Hogwarts Headmaster Raymond Holt is a Ravenclaw. Before he became the headmaster he taught Arithmancy because he has a terrific memory for numbers (especially numbers that like to move around the way they do when magic gets involved). But he also holds Masteries in Defense Against the Dark Arts and History of Magic. His office is always open for anyone who wants to challenge him to a game of wizard’s chess. He wants Hogwarts to run like a well oiled muggle machine and to make his school be the best magical teaching institution in Europe (certainly better than that Hag Madeline Wuntch’s Durmstrang). A muggleborn who managed to rise his way to the top despite growing up in a time that was even more prejudiced against him than it is now.

Professor Kevin Cozner like his husband is also a Ravenclaw. He’s the Head of House and the Professor of Study of Ancient Runes. His subject is part learning and application of the runes themselves, part philosophy and part history of them. He’s the only professor who actually feels like a professor to the young witches and wizards learning there. Comes from pureblood aristocracy, got disowned and burned off of the family tree for marrying Raymond.

Professors Hitchcock and Scully are both Slytherins and use all the scheming and ambition in them to make sure they have to do as little as possible, which is why they teach History of Magic and Muggle Studies respectively. Hitchcock tends to sleep through his own lessons. And Scully shows kids how to use such extraordinary muggle things like massage chairs, backscratchers and neck pillows. The Headmaster is impatiently waiting to hear that they’re ready to retire because the Hogwarts Board of Governors won’t let him fire them. They’re both from middle class pureblood families.


sox hat: a journey

- first I got the request in the reddit ama

- I went thru many trials and tribulations to see which kind of sox hat I should get for them

- then I realized how much hats cost & decided to buy one that they could all wear & fit with all their styles

- I had to find my way downtown in a snowstorm (and an anime con) to purchase said hat

- waited in line at the door to the venue with my friends at the front

- saw jake go into a coffee shop ( where a lot of fans were bothering him for a photo… more on that later )

- saw jake coming out of the coffee shop trying to hide himself

- called for jake: “I have a gift for you!”

- jake responds: “IS IT A HAT!” and did a lil scoot over to me

- takes the hat and loves it & hugs me & I give him the drawing too and he says he’ll open it inside w the guys & we take a photo & I tell him to catch me doing photos for my radio station & he says “oh I’ll sing right in your face then!” & HE DOES

- he comes out during the show wearing a different hat than when I met him,,, I realize it is THE SOX HAT

- when he does his “what’s up BOSTON” ordeal, he announces he’s wearing a red sox hat and looks at me

- after the show he hugs me and thanks me again and I’m left sh00k as hell

Squip Squad at Disneyland


-Michael and Christine know the lyrics to every single Disney song and they’re not afraid to sing them as loud as they can while at the park

-Jeremy gets so embarrassed and asks Rich to make them stop, but  unfortunately for Jeremy, Rich joins in as well

-Michael has a special hoodie that he wears only to Disneyland that’s covered in Disney-only patches

-Chloe and Brooke have matching Minnie and Mickey dresses they wear together

-Jenna takes pictures of literally everything and everyone even when someone isn’t looking

-Rich is obsessed with the mascots and secretly tries to collect everyone’s autograph

-Jeremy is the only person who knows about this so when he sees a character that Rich loves he’s like “hEY RICH HELP ME OUT WITH THIS THING OVER HERE LMAO BE RIGHT BACK GUYS” bc Jeremy is the best homie

-Rich and Jake wear matching Goofy hats (Rich’s is the pirate one while Jake’s is a giant green hat)

-Christine gets so excited about going that she completely forgets to pack food and water, so Jenna steps up to become the Mom Friend for the day

-Michael is terrified of heights, so when the gang goes on Splash Mountain, Christine stays behind and they look at the gift shops together

-Jenna has a special Disney themed phone case she puts on her phone specifically for Disneyland

-Christine is that type of person who has the lanyard decorated in dozens of pins and buttons collected over the years

-Rich spends way too much money on souvenirs

-Jake’s that one asshole who screams on the Haunted Mansion just to freak the others out (despite himself being scared of haunted houses)

-Brooke knows a lot about Disneyland, and is always equipped with a ton of “Did you know?” questions about everything there

-Chloe knows the best places to go for food and desserts so everyone always puts her in charge of where to go for lunch

-The squad gets way too competitive on Toy Story Mania and will stop at nothing to become the winner

-During that ride, while Rich is losing against Jake, he takes Jake’s 3D glasses and chucks them across the room so he can’t see the screen properly

-Jake kicks his ass at the game anyways

I probably have more but this post is really long so I’ll just leave it there ✌️

jake dillinger headcanons

• loves pastel colors!!!

• post-squip, when everyone is “finding themselves” (rich and being bi, jeremy learning that he’s not worthless, etc), jake decides to experiment with fashion and it’s Literally Beautiful

• his favorite clothes include: high waisted shorts, really big jackets, round sunglasses, beanies!!!!! (and all hats really jake develops a hat obsession he owns like thirty)

• he comes out as pan by showing up to school in the pan flag colors and making puns about it all day

• he’s unironically loved carly rae jepsen for several years, but nobody believes him when he says that she’s his favorite singer. they all think he’s making it up as a joke but he’s like, “no!! her songs are really good!!!!”

• has an expansive collection of archie comics. he’s read all of them. his favorite character is archie b/c he can relate to him.

• he plays like twelve instruments and michael is in awe of his talent

• one of these instruments is the bass clarinet and one time chloe called it a saxophone and both rich and christine had to hold him back from strangling her

• he tries to figure out cool tricks on his wheelchair (b/c that’s how he is), but always ends up falling and hurting himself (b/c that’s how he is)

• he steals michael’s vintage sodas whenever they hang out

• whenever he has a nightmare about the squip, or the fire, he calls michael because he’s usually awake and always knows exactly what to say

• he and rich’s first date is a carly rae jepsen concert (its canon sorry I don’t make the rules)

• as I’ve said before and I’ll say again: MY 👏 BOY 👏 HAS 👏 NO 👏 FILTER 👏

• he’s actually really amazing at archery and shows off a lot b/c it’s one of the only school sports he can do post-squipcident (‘cause of his legs)

• he has adhd and minor social anxiety that he bottles up a lot

• he is honest to a fault

• he partakes in So Much underage drinking that by the time he actually turns 21 there’s like, no point

• he has a fake ID to buy alcohol, but nobody ever really asks to id him b/c he looks like he’s thirty

• he’s actually the youngest of the group (by like a month)

• he’s an animal lover!!!! he has a cat named sbarro that he found as a kitten on the streets, and later in life he adopts a puppet from a shelter

• post-musical, he gets an apartment to live in, and it becomes everyone’s go-to hangout spot. he doesn’t complain, but sometimes it can be,,,,, annoying (“rich if you’re gonna hang out here all the time, would it KILL you to do the dishes ONCE???” “it probably would” “UGH”)

• rich moves in with him later, and they’re super happy


• he and jeremy are both stress bakers, so sometimes they’ll be hanging out at jake’s place and rich will show up to Hundreds of baked goods in the kitchen. the entire apartment is covered in a thin layer of powdered sugar. everyone is unsure of how they feel about it. there’s a cupcake stuck to the ceiling.

• sorry this was long i just Love Jakey D