jacks bad at cooking

Chef Bob-ardee

@bisexualdinahlance hopes this lives up to the hype. 

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Coq au Vin Roast Chicken/Hamburgers and Fries

Bob reads the recipe three times before he starts just so he’s sure he knows what he’s doing.

It’s simple but elegant and he hopes it’s enough to impress Alicia.

According to his teammates he’ll need all the help he can get.

Most of them don’t even believe she’s agreed to go out with him and they all balked at the idea of him cooking for her instead of taking her out.

“That girl is already so far out of your league and you’re going to make her sit in your apartment for the whole night? Take her out. For god’s sake Zimmermann, it’s not as if you can’t afford it.”

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Nutritionist Bitty AU!

He specialises in athletes and is super in demand among big names of every sport. Like months in advance for a consult kind of thing regardless of how famous you are

He’s the best in the business because he pulls up plans that are nutritious and delicious (it’s a terrible slogan he knows but it’s accurate and his mama came up with it so…). His clients absolutely love him.

Then the Falconers hire him to have a few talks/create personalised plans for the players/teach a few cooking classes.

Everything is going well until the classes, where everybody sort of keeps a healthy distance from Jack who is so bad at cooking that people are honestly afraid. Bitty has never meet anybody capable of well, he doesn’t even know how to explain what happened to the pasta in the 5 minutes he looked away but witchcraft is not out of the question. Bitty had never seen bread on fire before.

And Jack? Well, he is pretty terrible, but maybe he slammed the toaster against the wall since Bitty said at that point he’d consider his job done if Jack could at least do some toast. He does ask Bitty out, because George was very clear that any more property damage would come out of his pay check.

They start dating and everything is amazing, Jack promises never to touch the kitchen and Bitty loves cooking and Jack is always so grateful it makes him feel appreciated. Jack considers the meals a nice plus, but the important part is that he gets to kiss Bitty and hold him and having him in his life makes everything better.

It’s absolutely worth constantly having to get his teammates off his back for dinner invites, and all the calls he’s been getting from professional athletes who could absolutely kick his ass and terrify him more than a little. One was from an Olympic boxing champion, a few from MMA fighters, entire teams from the NFL, hockey players he’s actually friends with, his own team, even Parson calls to give him a shovel talk and try to get a dinner invite.

For more of my headcanons here: X

For my edits here: X

imagine the smiles bad bob and alicia would share when suddenly the most important thing in jack’s apartment criteria is the kitchen. jack doesn’t even cook and his parents def know this, but he’s asking all kinds of questions about ovens and counter space. the real estate agent asks what kind of cooking he’s into and jack freezes up so bad bob puts a hand on his shoulder and is like “he’s recently discovered a passion for pies, isn’t that right, jack?” looking all sly and jack just goes beet red.


                                            Edible Flower Crown.

  • Lapsang-cured roe deer rolled in leek ash
  • Roses of Prosciutto di Parma
  • Croustade, whipped creme fraiche seasoned with horseradish, topped with smoked salmon roe.
  • Crispy salted arctic char skin.
  • Roasted butternut and garlic pureé
  • Cured quail yolks spilling from faux starling shells.
  •  Slowcooked Moose tongue, panko fried.
  •  Raw Chiogga beet.
  • Yellow beet, cooked whole and then tossed with warm butter and honey..
  •  Blanched brussel sprout leaves.
  • Onion infused with a sweet and sour redbeet and cherry vinegar
  •  Herb creme.
  • Fresh herbs
  • Edible flowers.

The Edible Flowercrown. Landed in this idea since I wanted to showcase a lot of the local food we have in Sweden, while giving nods to Hannibal imagery, and a sort of one plate smorgasbord seemed appropriate. 

Quite a bit of game and fish, with the smoke-cured roe deer hiding oriental features in the lapsang tea, and the burnt ashes of the leeks providing the raven-black outer layer to the stag. The filet of roe deer is turned in salt, sugar and lapsang tea and set on a tray for 3 days turning them over after half the time, and then rolling them tight in cling film before freezing. Thawed gently in a fridge and turned in the leek ash. The freezing both helps eliminateany food safety concerns of uncooked cured food as well as setting the cylindrical shape of the filet as its frozen in the roll of the cling film.

Roe of salmon and arctic char skin for the fisherman. Creme fraiche whipped and seasoned with freshly grated horseradish and salt is topped in the croustade with the wonderful pearl-like salmon roe.

pumpkin for Jack, because I get to make a bad food pun when cooking for Hannibal damnit ;)  butternut peeled, cut and roasted in the oven along with garlic cloves, pureed with a bit of olive oil and then heated with a bit of butter, salt and pepper.

Three kinds of beets, because of the season. Winter is heavy on root vegetables in a country where iceand snow is the order of the day. The red beets providing the dark red notes for the sweet pickled onion, using distilled vinegar, a classic food staple in Swedish cooking. Chiogga beets raw for the crunch and the fantastic visual, and yellow beet cooked whole, peeled and tossed with a bit of honey and butter before serving.

Moose tongue, first set in a salt brine for 3 days and then cooked slowly over 4 hours with bay leaves, black pepper, allspice and root vegetables, skinned and set to cool, finally  turned in flour, egg yolk and finally panko before being fried in a skillet.

The quail yolks are separated from the whites and buried in salt for 24 hours, producing a yolk with a salty intense yolk flavour and the consistency of soft toffee. The shells are cleaned gently inside and submerged for 24 hours minimum in a liquid made of shredded red cabbage which has been boiled for 20 minutes with salt, sugar and white vinegar before being strained and chilled. This turns the shells blue, to simulate a starling egg. The shell being only inedible thing on the plate is fitting since Lecter doesn’t eat Starling.

Roses of Parma ham, a homage to those lovely roses Hannibal served.

A creme made from infusing a coldpressed olive oil with green herbs and then beaten into a emulsion with egg yolks. Seasoned with salt and pepper.

Green herbs and blanched leaves of brussel sprouts along with edible flowers to complete the crown

i know people like to joke in fics like “oh haha Jack’s nutritionist must hate Bitty because he bakes haha!”

no. you don’t get it. my dad’s whole family is from The South so let me tell you about Bitty’s “southern cooking.”

butter. everywhere. imagine a lot of butter. ok? triple that. that is Southern Butter Consumption™.

weird vegetables. eat every part. beet leaf? steam that. eat it. okra? fry the shit out of it. eat it. collard greens? steam it, fry it, one time my uncle put it on the grill??? eat it. put bacon in that. eat it. these vegetable have no nutritional value. that tomato? fry it.

all meat is fried at special events. one time i was at my uncles for thanksgiving and we had 2 very large turkeys because they wanted to fry one??? I don’t even know why it was too much food but we had to fry it…it was ok but was not necessary.

also, i have no doubts that bitty has had a fryer accident. it is inevitable. he wasn’t even drunk but something caught fire.

poor Jack probably feels so guilty when he can’t eat Bitty’s food because he got yelled at by the nutritionist again. don’t feel bad jack. southern cooking is a hellscape.