jackass one

Hey, James? Just a little friendly advice….

If you want to ride Louis’ coattails to fame you should maybe not imply his fans (ya know, the fans you want to buy your shit) are grudge-holding conspiracy nuts. That’s not exactly the best way to win people over.

You may have grown in some ways, but you still sound like the same condescending asshole you’ve always been.

Okay, but like… We learned something super important about gooverly in this episode.

Whenever the goo/demon thing has control of Waverly she can’t remember what she’s done afterwards which means that:

1. When her and Nicole slept together she was able to consent.
2. Waverly doesn’t necessarily remember why her and Nicole were fighting.
3. She won’t remember attacking that one jackass.
4. She probably doesn’t know where Dolls is.

No one had a problem with sangwoo killing women but saying mean things to yoonbum? unacceptable. he's completely irredeemable NOW. Murdering women, meh, but SAYING something that cruel to our favorite character? THAT's what makes him irredeemable. Dismissing sexual assault as consensual...after we've seen how he butchers women. That's what makes him evil and that is in FACT, so shocking. And out of character. Can you believe it, guys? I can't believe it. I'm swimming in disbelief, I can't even believe it that hard.

Ahahah.

Isn’t that…nice…

Familiar


Pairing: Nalu

Rating: K+

Genre: Friendship and romance

Summary: The tiny stuffed toy was her treasure - a little demon that had helped her through good times and bad. And suddenly there he was, breathing, walking, talking, emoting. And asking for a kiss. 

Notes: This drabble poured out as soon as I laid eyes on <<this>> wonderful art by @liku-bears!

It was probably the only really meaningful gift from her father in recent times. It wasn’t much — just a tiny little demon plushie. It could have easily been lost in thousands of other dresses and jewellery that he had also sponsored for her.

Had it not been for the fact the toy was a small reminder of happier times. And of her parents’ love.

One of her fondest childhood memories were of when they would all cuddle together in bed while her mother told stories. In particular, one of a tiny demon that saved lost little kids, only to be misunderstood by the children’s parents when they saw him with them. Her father would supply the dialogues for the angry people, while her mother would do those for the little children and the demon.

Lucy felt for the demon, and protested, insisting that she would have done her best to protect it had she had the chance. Her mother had been so pleased with the suggestion, that she would weave a Lucy into the story to do just that - and she would get to do her own dialogues. And they would go on and on until Jude reminded them of it being past bedtime.

Storytime had been her favourite way to spend time with her family - it was the one time her father and mother could take a break from their royal duties and spend time with her.

Her mother’s sudden loss had been very hard on her and her father, and his subsequent attempts to cope had really dented their relationship. Lucy, now at sixteen years, still couldn’t remember the last time she and her father had really spoken.

The plushie, gifted to her on her tenth birthday, two years after losing her mother, was a small reminder that despite all the evidence that went against it, her father really did care.

She had taken extremely good care of the soft toy ever since. It had a special place beside her pillow at night-time and was the last thing she saw when she went to bed and the first when she woke up. She would talk to it every day — share tales of her day, people she met, things she learnt. She would laugh with it and cry holding it. It was her closest friend, and had been for years now.

Even if it never had it replied back.

Not till right now anyway.

Lucy, the ever graceful celestial princess of Magnolia, fell rather clumsily on her bum when it — he — suddenly spoke.

“Woah, there! You okay?” came the tiny voice again, as the now animated toy (person?) leaned over the bed to ensure she was okay.

“Y-y-you’re talking!”

“Hell yeah I am!” he grinned. “Finally.”

“B-b-but you’re a toy!”

“Oi, I’m a demon!“ His face tilted to one side. "And you’ve always told me you’re a polite person. Lies!”

Lucy blinked disbelievingly, as the little toy crossed his arms and huffed.

She crawled on her knees back to the edge of her bed to peek at the toy, see for herself if he really was…real.

And while the demon kept his back to her, pouting sulkily, she brought a finger to poke him in the side.

“Hey,” he warned.

Poke.

“Hey!” His back still faced her.

Poke.

“Would you— ” he got cut off as Lucy — in a bid to try and confirm once more that felt had indeed given way to flesh — unintentionally began tickling him.

“S-sorry,” she said, not really that sorry. His laughter was heart-warming.

“Oh, you’re gonna pay,” he said, once he’d caught his breath.

“And what are you going to do about it?” Lucy challenged.

He pouted again and Lucy couldn’t help but giggle.

“I didn’t intend to tickle you, if that helps,” she added.

“You’re mean, Luce,” he grumbled.

Lucy raised an eyebrow. “Luce?”

“Well yeah, that’s what I’ve always called you,” he said, rolling away to make room for Lucy to climb and sit on her bed.

“You were listening the whole time?” she asked in wonder.

“Yup,” he replied.

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@darcylovette HeyYY I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m that one Jackass dude who said he’d do fanart so……… *throws fanart at yo face*
Man oh man this took forever. @markiplier @crankgameplays

AYAOTD by Darcy Lovette

Curse of Shortness

request ; 63 with Christopher please?? The reader saying it to him lol (I’m a shorty so this is adorable!

#63: “You’re not short. You wouldn’t understand.”

requested by anonymous.

pairing ; chris x short!reader

summary ; don’t put things on the top shelf of the damn cabinet.

words ; 1002

warnings ; n/a


You let out a frustrated huff, reaching up and standing on your tiptoes to reach something your wonderful husband put on the top of a cabinet just to spite you. Your fingers stretched out as much as possible, the strain causing the skin to turn just a shade lighter. “Oh my God,” you whispered under your breath, looking down and debating what you were going to do.

Then an idea popped in your head. Bracing your hands on the counter, you hoisted yourself up, using your knee to equalize the amount of force you were using. Once you were completely up, you smiled and swooshed what hair had fallen in your face out of it, and reached up. You still had to reach up, but not as much, so you grabbed the mug he put in the cabinet with ease.

But then, just as you were moving out of the way to shut the cabinet, you heard chuckling behind you. “Shut the hell up, Christopher,” you immediately said, hiding a smile behind your faux annoyance.

“Why are you on the counter, sweetheart?” Chris’ words were spoken in a mocking tone, and you could just see the smug smile on his face ─ stupid cute smile.

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listen when the country devolves into a series of brush wars and localized fighting between warlord dominions you’re gonna wanna have your warband raider outfit picked out already

you don’t want to be the one jackass in a Ralph Lauren polo and chinos kicking it in the back of a technical while everyone around you has their scavenged vests and makeshift armored masks on

get ahead of the curve and start putting that kit together now

  • Rin: *can't find Haruka in the crowd* Where is he? Well, time for drastic measures...
  • Rin: *cupping hands around mouth* RIN MATSUOKA IS SUCH A JACKASS, NO ONE NEEDS HIM!
  • Haruka: *from across the street* WHO SAID THAT?!
  • Rin: There he-
  • Makoto: Why would you say something like that?!
  • Nagisa: Say that to my face, you jerk!
  • Rei: I've never heard something so rude!
  • Sousuke: WHOSE ASS DO I HAVE TO KICK?!
  • Nitori: Senpai is a good person, how could you?!
  • Momo: Shut up, YOU'RE the jackass!
  • Seijuurou: Who's the asshole saying stupid things?!
  • Gou: WHO'S TALKING SHIT ABOUT MY BROTHER?!
  • Rin: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GUYS EVEN COME FROM?!
Oh, the joys of working at a storage facility.

I worked as a front desk clerk for a storage company. This facility was managed by an incompetent cheapskate, and the District Manager is a miserable dumpy balding little jerk.

The customers were no better. We had shady characters who broke our rules apart. We had tenants who hid stolen goods here (my coworkers and I always reported them to the police, despite the manager whining later because he had to fill out some forms as a result), some creep actually hid dead bodies in one unit, but fortunately the cops caught up to him. There was a guy trying to hide his meth lab equipment there…one guy trued to hide stolen or tainted vehicles here…And then we had these people trying to live out of the units, despite our “No Residence” rules for this particular location.

The local homeless population CONSTANTLY trespassed in here. They slept in front of the units and the gates, blocking our tenants from driving in or driving up to their units. They tried to break into the facilities, either for shelter or to steal things to swap for drugs or drug money…they got in mostly by waiting for a tenant to enter or exit via vehicle, and ran in after the gates opened or before they closed. I saw them on camera constantly and tried to get the police to remove them, but my boss would constantly undermine me by calling the police department front desk (not 911) after I had just gotten off the phone with them, and tell them not to come by and deal with the trespassers, despite numerous complaints from the paying tenants.

The district manager didn’t even give a crap when the tenants complained to him about homeless trespassers scaring them or blocking their units, or about the trash all over the facility because the manager wouldn’t clean it up, or let anyone in the staff clean it up.

These jerks were so cheap. They put very little money back into the business. The surveillance cameras would fail, the local homeless people would bust out the floodlights, we had constant graffiti taggers, and the front gate motor was horrendously sluggish, giving trespassers easy access to the facility. They made more than enough money, but nooooo….they didn’t want to miss out on a new luxury car or their next vacation they were always bragging about.

A lot of angry ex tenants or even ex employees would break the windows of the office, or committed other acts of vandalism on the compound. One of them tried to set the office on fire with a molotov cocktail after hours.

Other times angry customers would come down or call and scream at me just because corporate jacked up their rents exponentially and frequently. We had no control over that, yet they bitched at us…or rather me and my coworkers, my coward boss just hid in his office and played Nintendo.

There was this one jackass with a Dualie pickup truck, pulling up to the gate, and honking like a wild maniac. I was busy helping customers in the office, but took a moment to pause with them and then I got on the intercom and asked him “May I help you, sir?”.

Dualie Dan is yelling and swearing into the intercom, saying that he is “trying to get into the facility to pick up something from a locker”. No shit sherlock…I asked him if he had forgotten his personal gate code. He said he didn’t have one which meant that he wasn’t a tenant. I told him “All tenants have a gate code assigned to them. If you don’t have ine, you aren’t a tenant and company policy says that I can’t let you in unless you can present a key to your unit and/or similar proof of tenancy.” He screams “Fuck your company policy! Let me in you bitch!”. I told him “I don’t appreciate your language, and if you insist on being so rude, you’ll have to leave NOW, or I’ll call the police!”.

After all, I don’t know this guy, never sww him before or his vehicle, how do I know he’s not a burglar? The guy screams and curses at me over the intercom and honks his horn, his truck sticking out and blocking traffic.

As I was about to dial the police, my boss came out and asked what was going on (the noise from Dualie Dan was disturbing his Nintendo playing in the back office). I told him what was going on, and he insisted I let this guy in. I refused, stating that this guy didn’t have an assigned gate code and he had never been here before.

The guy parked illegally on the street, came in kicking the door open, and yelled at me and my boss, scaring the other customers. He said “….bitch won’t open the gate!”. My boss said “Sir, do you have a copy of your rental agreement, or at least a key to your unit?”. Dualie Dan says “No I ain’t got no rental agreement! I’m picking up the ping pong table for my brother in law in unit 12!”. My boss asked “…do you have a key, sir?”. The guy digs through his pockets, then digs through his truck outside, as I quickly and quietly helped the last of the customers in line.

He brought the key over, and it was the wrong key. It was for a bicycle lock, it was a barrel lock cylinder key! He then goes into a rage, acts like it’s OUR fault that he misplaced the key. We wouldn’t let him into the facility. We told him that the tenant needed to be present with him, along with a copy of the rental agreement AND a key.

The guy’s brother in law was just at home watching TV, too lazy to get his butt off of the couch to come down her with his brother in law to pick up the ping pong table from the unit! He didn’t even give him the card with the gate code on it, or even the correct key! Dualie Dan left, after screaming at his bro in law over the phone and then pitching an epic temper tantrum over getting a ticket from the local parking enforcement for being illegally parked, and of course he blamed ME, despite the fact we have open parking spaces in front to accommodate a truck as big as his…the jerk left, came back with his brother in law who had a copy of the rental agreement, his card with the gate code written on it, and the key to the unit.

Normally, we don’t demand this of anyone visiting the units if they are a tenant, or even if they aren’t a tenant but here on behalf of a tenant, if they just quietly pull up, enter the gate code, and have a key to the unit. If they have trouble getting in, they need to either have a copy of the rental agreement from the tenant and/or the card with the gate code written on it for the tenant, be accompanied by the tenant, and definitely present a key to the unit. Company policy. If they can’t even furnish a key, let alone any documents related to the rental of a unit (key code card or rental agreement), or the tenant is not with them, then they need to either get the tenant or the required documents along with a key. We don’t want to be responsible for any thefts.

The idiots got their ping pong table, but man was that an ordeal. Then, get this, the manager writes ME up for “Inconveniencing a customer.” because the stupid tenant complained about being dragged over here by his bro in law “Dualie Dan”. All he had to do was give “Dualie Dan” the correct key, the gate code card, and a copy of the rental agreement if he didn’t want to get his stupid lazy butt out of the house.

I quit shortly after that. I’d had more than I could take.

Layman’s Treatment

“No magic!” Fenris snaps, remaining coherent only through sheer willpower despite the wretched burn carved into his shoulder, currently oozing anonymous fluids.

Anders knows he should be insulted, but he can’t fight his grin. There are a thousand ways to treat a burn; the first, obviously, is magic, and the other 999 all involve bugs.

He can’t wait.

Keep reading

I’m gonna be honest and go ahead and go out on a limb and say that I used to be a “anti-SJW” fuckface who sucked Sargon’s flaccid cock all day until I realized that it was all racist bullshit that only caused more harm than good.

Fucking Jontron screeching things now are worse than they’ve ever been because people are always arguing. MOTHER FUCKER, YOUR fucking crowd of jackasses are the ones fucking defending NAZISM and you’re surprised that you idiots are facing confrontation? FUCK OFF.

I MENTION THAT I USED TO BE A SARGON FUCKBOI BECAUSE I KNOW SARGON’S GO TO ARGUMENTS AND FUCKING JON FUCKING TRON JUST REPEATED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM DURING THE DEBATE WITH DENSITY.

Jon, I used to perhaps be one of your biggest fans, but now, oh now, I’m going instruct you and your cuck of a boyfriend, Sargon, to suck my Mexican cock.

AND ALL YOU FUCKING ANTI SJWS ARE GOING TO SCREAM, “ARE YOU TRIGGERED FEMNAZI?”

This bullshit isn’t even about whether you’re a feminist or not anymore, this is about being a good FUCKING PERSON.

Surprise, Tony!

Peter was eating some cold pizza out of the fridge in the Avengers Tower when his phone started ringing. He checked the caller ID and rolled his eyes when he saw that his boyfriend had changed his name in his phone to “BIG DADDY POOL <<33”.
“Hey, Wade, are you on your way over?”
“Yes. I had to take a quick detour, sorry I’m late.”
“That’s alright. Be safe, I’ll be waiting for you.”
A few minutes and several slices of pizza later Wade stuck his head into the kitchen.
“Hey, Peter. I have something to tell you.”
“…okay.”
“You gotta promise to not get mad.”
“When you say that it makes me feel like you’re about to tell me something enfuriating and then play victim when i get mad. So no.”
“You know me so well. Okay. I um. I got a dog… or 4.”
“4 dogs? Where are you gonna put 4 dogs?”
“I was hoping… here?”
Wade stepped into the kitchen holding a box full of squirming, whimpering puppies. Peter had to admit, they were pretty cute. But no way would his dads let him keep a bunch of dogs in the tower. As Peter approached the box and reached a hand in to pet one several of the little dogs started barking in excitement. Peter heard Tony call his name in annoyance as an almost running Clint came down the hall.
“Are - are those puppies?”, Hawkeye panted.
“That they are, Mr. Eye. Would you care to hold one?”, Wade said politely as he handed one of the puppies to Clint. Clint baby talked and petted the dog before bellowing for Natasha.
Natasha and Bruce came down to the kitchen and we’re greeted by the yipping of 3 other puppies dying to play with someone.
Natasha went to Clint and began petting the dog that he held while Bruce immediately picked one up and put it on the floor to play tug of war with the nearest plastic spatula.
“Mr. Parker”, Jarvis spoke up, “Mr. Stark requests your presence in the common room.”
Peter quickly made his way to meet with Tony.
“Hey, Dad!”, he said, attempting to sound cheerful and not at all like he’s hiding something.
“Peter. Why is everyone in the kitchen?”
“Ummm. Wade is here.”
“That’s some bullshit, Peter, nobody ever wants to hang out with Wade. Wade’s a jackass. You’re the only one that likes Wade.”
“Okay. Got it.”, Peter sighed. He’s heard this phrase more times than he can count.
“So, what I’m saying, Peter, is that if what I think is happening is happening. It better not be. Am I clear?”
“Crystal, sir. But uh, could you run by me again what it is you think is happening?”
Tony cocked his head to the side and gave Peter his best “you’re an idiot” face.
“I have a strong feeling that-”
“Wade brought puppies to the tower, hun!”, Steve said cheerfully as he walked in holding a puppy.
“He. Uggghhhhh.”, Tony rolled his eyes dramatically and started striding towards the kitchen. “You’re grounded.”, he pointed at Peter as he exited the room.
Peter gave an exasperated huff. Steve patted Peter on the back and grinned, “Overruled.”
Peter smiled in relief and scratched the dog behind the ears, “Thanks, Pops.”
Steve and Peter walked into the kitchen to see Tony and Wade arguing while everyone else ignored them and played with the puppies.
“But everybody loves them! And they love you!”, Wade exclaimed as he pushed the puppy he was holding towards Tony.
“Wade Winston, I will straight up punch. you. in. the. face. if that thing gets any hair on me.”
“Be that as it may, but you can’t say no to this little guy!”, Wade chuckled as the puppy enthusiastically licked his face. “Besides, everybody else likes them.”
“Was this a bribe to get into the Avengers because the answer is still a resounding no.”, Tony leaned against the counter.
“Okay, Mr. Stark, first of all no, it was not a bribe but that’s a pretty good idea and I will most likely be doing that sometime soon. And secondly, I had to! It was my moral obligation!”
“Since when do you have morals?”, Natasha asked as she cuddled the puppy in her arms.
“Thank you, Nat!”, Tony exclaimed as if his point had just been proven.
“Ignoring that rude and very hurtful comment (what the hell, Natasha). They were alone in a box on the sidewalk. The box said their parents had died. I thought you and Batman were like the head authority on dead parents.”, Wade said and quickly ducked from the punch that was thrown at him. Wade held the dog in front of his face and yelled, “YOU WOULDN’T HIT A PARENTLESS PUPPY WOULD YOU?!”
“Okay, that is enough.”, Steve stepped in between the two. “All in favor of keeping them raise your hand.”
Everyone except for Tony raised a hand.
“All opposed?”
Tony raised his hand and looked around.
“You better raise that hand, Peter.”
“No, Dad, I kinda like the dogs. They’re adorable.”, Peter held the dog that Bruce was playing with up to his face and matched the dog’s puppy eyes.
“No loyalty. Now you’re double grounded.”
“Double overruled! We’re keeping them!”, Steve said excitedly. Everyone cheered as they played with their new pets. Clint and Natasha bickered over the name of their puppy while Bruce sat quietly on the ground with his sleepy furball. Peter made his way over to Wade and gave him a quick peck on the lips while his dads weren’t looking and smiled. The puppy squirmed around in Wade’s hands and was passed to Peter. He had a passing thought that Wade was like this puppy- a handful, but oh so worth it.

~request a prompt, pretty please~