jack's laugh

Problematic Hogwarts House

Okay so speaking of the check please hogwarts house discourse… I voted and all my votes for characters were the ones that literally NO ONE voted for so I present to you…

MY VOTES

Bitty - Hufflepuff. He’s a hufflepuff it’s close to the kitchen. A particular good finder

Jack Zimmermann - Ravenclaw. Very good studier and planner. Everyone hates him because he never leaves the study table because he’s absolutely determined to master his class.

Shitty - Hufflepuff. Also Bitty’s self-proclaimed advisor. He watches over him and eats his cookies when he’s stoned and it’s a beautiful symbiotic relationship.

Lardo - Slytherin. She just seemed like the type to make decisions like a Slytherin. She’s just a happy Slytherin who takes care of her fellow Slytherins. Everyone owes her a favor. Basically rules her house.

Ransom - Ravenclaw. I was gonna say that he’s the guy that pulls Jack out of the study, but in all actuality he’s the guy that Jack looks over and sees while Ransom is mid-breakdown and is like “… maybe I should take a break. Maybe he should too…”

Holster - Gryffindor. Super great guy that gets up to a lot of shenanigans. No one wants to be subjected to his pranks they just want to be his friend but it comes at a price.

Chowder - Gryffindor. One of Holster’s friends and also joins in on some of mhis shenanigans. They’re great buds and hang out all the time. Chowder and him were drunk once and kissed but refuse to bring it up again and no one else knows. Just a couple of guys who got drunk. Still great buds though.

Nursey - Slytherin. Reviews Lardo’s papers for her because she helped him out when he was drunk from making dumb decisions and ruining his life or dying. They’re pretty chill together.

Dex - I had no clue what to put him in honestly so I put him in Gryffindor because it matched his aesthetic. Everyone assumes he’s from the Wesley family but then they hear him gripe about coming from the muggle world and know that isn’t true. Everyone then just thinks adoption because he HAS to be a Wesley. No one believes him when he says he isn’t.

The Signs as Iconic Samurai Jack Moments
  • Ares: "I'm gonna make a lot of money cashin' in on your hide!" "I hear that often, but always from poor men."
  • Taurus: Aku transforming into a hot girl and Jack accidentally falling in love with him for an entire episode
  • Gemini: The Scotsman insulting Jack for thirty solid goddamn seconds
  • Cancer: "LONG AGO IN A DISTANT LAND, I, AKU, THE SHAPESHIFTING MASTER OF DARKNESS - "
  • Leo: Jack watching a lizard climb up a tree with sheer wonder and adoration in his eyes
  • Virgo: Jack absolutely working those fucking stilettos
  • Libra: The shinobi shadow warrior fight and all the ensuing "no fucking WAY"s you absolutely said out loud
  • Scorpio: E X T R A T H I C C
  • Sagittarius: Every time Jack gets more naked than the situation really requires
  • Capricorn: "SCAR-a-MOUCHE the MER-ci-less, bay-bee!"
  • Aquarius: Every goddamn thing about Da Samurai's atrocious fashion sense
  • Pisces: "You see, Aku: I am smart, and you are pure evil."

I want an AU where Ashi is an assassin masquerading as a geisha to get close to Jack. And if you want more fun, imagine this is is a post-ashifadedies (like in Memories by @sallychanscraps), making her job easy/difficult/confusing/?? ?” 

Listen I know the "ass backwards farm town" trope is popular but

Jack Morrison was born in Bloomington, Indiana, which is literally one of the most progressive, artsy, queer towns in all of the Midwest, let alone Indiana, even back in 2007. So every time you talk about his family/friends/“small” town, in the approx year of 2050-ish being homophobic, small, or uncultured, you’re just falling into a trope that’s hilariously inaccurate.

Like keep doing you if you’re aware of that and just want to work in that trope, but do so with the awareness that it’s not at ALL accurate.

(Don’t worry Blizzard fucked up too- Bloomington is a large urbanized college town, I haven’t seen a farm for miles until you’re way out of city limits. )