The 5'4 Sunshine Sniper

+ The LSPD can’t really say the Fake AH crew has changed for the worse, honestly brownman’s replacement is far less intimidating and 45% more likely to miss a shot. Sure, the kid’s loud and only aims for headshots (which is probably why his sniper skills aren’t top tier tbh) but he’s 5'4 and easily pinpointed from the hollering he’s doing on a rooftop down the street from the bank being robbed.
+ In fact, while they’ve never actually caught him, he walks himself right into the police station to retrieve an intoxicated Geoff (jack was busy and Jeremy was the best option) but they get the kid in an interrogation room seconds after he opens the front doors.
+ The next two hours go like this:
“JDoolz, little J, mr j, Jeremy. Can we get a proper name please?”
“Rimmy Tim”
“Excuse me?”
“Rimulus Timulus”
The interrogator sighs with his entire body.
+ Officer Luna receives twenty dollars after winning a bet that Jeremy can’t karate chop the table in half.
+ Officer Demarais almost cries after becoming confused due to a conversation over whether ‘Sprunk’ is a verb or noun (Jeremy is adamant it’s a verb)
+ Geoff walks out the doors after picking the lock on his cell and not a soul stops him (everyone but the secretary is crowded in and around the interrogation room)
+ During break, a shocked Officer Gibson watches Jeremy jump onto the table, punch out two tiles, and hop into the ceiling. They don’t see him again but the voice recording from the room plays him shouting “HUP HUP HUP” as he escapes.

curlytopped replied to your post “zimbits au (the bachelor)”

Omg or not even the host? Like a sweet and polite camera guy who apologizes for following jack at the producers behest. Or even bitty the intern who brings in wayyyy too many pies and is super nice.

!!! tbh i was just thinking bitty would be a good host because of his vlog, but then i realized, while vlogging and like hosting a show are similar in how you have to put yourself out there, they’re in totally different environments, so that might not make too much sense. 

but!!! building off on your idea that bitty works v closely with jack behind the scenes (which fits a lot better imo), like with the filming or makeup etc. bitty being a die-hard romantic and secret lover of reality shows, who grew up watching the bachelor and rooting for certain contestants and occasionally remembering to look them up after the show, to see if their relationship lasted. bitty getting an internship on the set of the bachelor. he’s gained a better understanding of how reality shows can be staged at times and he no longer really likes the idea of a show where so many women have to compete for a man’s affection, but his inner romantic still remembers how the bachelor would bestow a rose on the contestants (i’ve not really seen this so i’m talking out of my butt here).

bitty meets some of the previous bachelors and while they’re nice, he finds some of them off-putting wrt what they think of some of the contestants. some of them are obnoxious or arrogant (and oh, how his heart breaks when the bachelor breaks up with the winner after the finale!). and don’t think the overwhelming heteronormativity on set doesn’t get to him, too.

but then jack is the next bachelor! let’s pretend he did it because um, i don’t actually know. is it some kind of falcs-related thing that he does to promote mental health initiatives, like a version of the bachelor but where fans can win a date with him? does he actually get on the bachelor because shitty wanted to do his dissertation on reality shows? or did jack lose a bet with tater? idk! as long as jack went into it knowingly and voluntarily (so like nothing where shitty or someone submits an application for him without his consent/knowledge), i’m good.

anyway, jack is quiet and keeps to himself and just nods awkwardly whenever bitty’s posing him for the next makeup thing he’s doing to jack’s face. or jack asks constant questions about whether he’s doing something right while bitty follows him with the camera. bitty’s boss is like, “we picked him because he’s pretty quiet and v different from the last bachelor, but now that’s unfortunately hurting our watchability. we need you to help draw him out.”

(meanwhile, tortoise shell glasses girl and phone girl are all heart eyes at jack zimmermann at the beginning but jack’s still quite guarded and introverted. tortoise shell glasses girl and phone girl start talking more in private, first perhaps about how they felt they messed up their most recent date with jack, because jack just…doesn’t seem to be interested and they keep wondering what went wrong, like they were trying their best and nothing? and then they start talking to all the other contestants, and they all realize that jack just doesn’t seem to be interested in any of them. and honestly? all the contestants are kind of annoyed at first, because the point of doing this was to see who’d get to go on a date with him. but then it takes a lot of the pressure off, and they start complimenting each other and giving each other pep talks, like with all the contestants. so you have this supportive environment where everybody’s really nice to each other because they can see there’s something going on with this shy professonal hockey player and one of the charming interns working behind the scenes. for tortoise shell glasses girl and phone girl, the compliments start off friendly, like “i like your dress,” and then get really romantic and cheesy, all of it pretty much being, “you look so beautiful.”)

jack’s started chirping bitty when bitty comes at him with the camera, making silly faces when bitty is trying to get a pose of deep reflection from him. bitty films jack ice skating because at the beginning it was the only time jack seemed to really open up, and it gets bitty thinking about his figure skating and how he stopped, and so he decides to give a whack at it after a long day of filming and stuff. 

bitty’s just skating around on the pond, not really paying attention to his surroundings, just feeling really upset about how he’s fallen for like the one man who’d never want him because jack’s whole reason for being here is that he’s looking for a girlfriend! he’s playing halo on his phone and listening to it through his earbuds, and just starts doing spins, because he wants to lose himself in the feeling of just going faster and faster, rather than continue to think about how after these few weeks of filming, jack’s going to choose one of the contestants (he bets it’s phone girl - jack’s been particularly talkative with her, chirping her about her phone like he does with bitty… little does bitty know jack has been kind of practicing his chirps with her to hear her feedback so jack can then use them on bitty for maximum flirty/chirpiness) and then they’ll date for a few more months before they get married because jack’s a catch no one would dump if they were dating him and of course jack will announce their engagement through a minimalist instagram photo of her clasped hands, one of them notably sporting a simple, gorgeous ring, gorgeous for the simple reason that jack zimmermann bought it for the sole purpose of asking someone if he could love her forever–

somehow, someone manages to grab bitty’s shoulders and stop him safely. bitty’s got tears rolling down his cheeks that will freeze if he stays outside for much longer, his breath’s coming out in these short, hiccupy gasps, his lungs are burning, his legs are aching, his vision’s a bit blurry from all that spinning. it takes him a second, but when his vision clears, he sees jack’s face looming over his. jack looks so worried, and he’s taken off his gloves, cupping bitty’s cheek with one hand and wiping at bitty’s tears with the other. 

then bitty does that thing where he breaks your heart by apologizing profusely for making a scene and bothering jack and don’t worry jack i’m fine i just wanted some time on the ice and don’t think you’re getting out of being filmed during your morning jog tomorrow bec-

jack kisses him. he just does it. bitty was talking so fast and jack didn’t understand much of it after he sped up and all jack could think about was how bitty had made him a maple sugar crusted apple pie when jack said he was feeling a bit homesick for canada and how bitty hadn’t even brought his camera with him for the first two days because he wanted jack to get comfortable with bitty interacting with and observing him and how bitty was as warm as ever nowadays but was still prone to closing off sometimes and how sad he looked and how jack had stayed after to watch bitty because bitty had declined to walk back with him (like they usually do after filming these solo segments) and watched as he skated on the ice like he was born on it, like he was in love with it, like he knew exactly what jack felt when jack was on the ice. jack watching him so intently is how he’s able to pinpoint the exact moment that something in bitty changes, shifting his emotionally expressive skating into something that’s completely physical-minded. 

jack knows that feeling of wanting to skate away everything else in his head. but whereas that usually helps jack focus and calm down, it just seems that bitty’s getting more upset, so he has to do something, so he goes out on the ice to stop him because he doesn’t want him to get hurt. jack doesn’t actually think about kissing him, of letting those feelings for bitty that have been growing get acknowledged by himself, until bitty’s rambling to distract jack from finding out why bitty’s so upset. but then jack does, let himself realize he’s in love with bitty, i mean, and then they kiss and kiss and kiss until their noses are frozen and bitty’s teeth are chattering (jack’s fine because he’s probably related to jack frost) and their exhalations are visible but steady (esp for bitty, who’d been breathing really fast and shallowly from the spinning).

“it’s odd,” jack says, after a moment. “it’s surprising to think i’ve not done this as much as i’ve done the other thing, considering i’m a professional hockey player and currently the most eligible man in the us.”

bitty stiffens, but just barely, because he knows jack very well by now, and jack doesn’t look like he’s about to go ‘no homo’ on him. “what?”

actually, he looks a lot like he does when–

“kissing the ice vs. kissing on the ice.”


anonymous asked:

HC (and maybe a short fic, if you want): Anti x Jack. Jack feels everything Anti feels...only it's like 5x more intense. Which makes sex with Anti so much better for Jack. ;3 Have fun with this. ~Vic💙🎧

oooo vic you’re so good at this jfc

i am definitely writing a fic about this later!! [i wont say anything cos i dont wanna ruin it muhaha] 

you know the recent trend with celebrities reading what they think are celebrity mean tweets but they turn out to be from fans who are just joking (eg “oscar isaac is a brooklyn hipster piece of shit”)?

what if that happens to jack. he goes on jimmy kimmel and he agrees to read some mean tweets. the first one they hand him says “@omgcheckplease: jack zimmermann has the dumbest fucking blue eyes who told him this was acceptable”