The Ones We Love
Malec Drabble #10
Set after s02e20 - Beside Still Water. Magnus and Alec talk about the breaking of Alec and Jace’s Parabatai bond.
There were a lot of things Magnus has lost over the course of his life. Things that seemingly didn’t matter that much, but still left him brokenhearted and things that felt like the worst kind of poison, slowly eating away his soul. He had never regretted them, though. Never felt sorry for falling in love, never gave up after losing yet another loved one. It was all a part of his life, he reminded himself. It formed him into the kind of a person he is now. Both the pain and the love.
Even after closing his heart, he always cherished little slivers of hope and trust somewhere deep inside. He didn’t let anyone see them, but they were there, waiting for someone to find them and bring him back from the dark. It was Alec, his Alec, that made him feel alive again.
That’s why, if you asked him few hours ago what would happen then without Alexander, he wouldn’t have an answer. This wasn’t the usual type of love and hurt that could be healed over time. As much as Alec’s soul was connected to the soul of his Parabatai, Magnus’ own was as well. In a way, it felt like there has been no one before Alec. Like no feelings have ever been so strong, so pure to be called love. And there certainly would be no one after Alec was gone.
Even if it scared a little part of Magnus sometimes, he couldn’t deny it. He didn’t wan to. All he wanted was to enjoy having his dear Shadowhunter back in his arms, his lips pressed securely to his own and their hands never to be torn apart again.
And as they laid on the bed with entwined limbs and soft kissed patterns on their skins, he knew Alec wanted it, too. They were both a lost cause when it came to each other.
But there was also something else hidden in Alec’s eyes. Magnus didn’t notice it at first, too lost in the melodic sound of Alec’s sincere heartfelt laugh. It was one of those rare occasions when he let himself go and a beautiful genuine smile appeared on his lips, scrunching his nose and leaving crinkles in the corners of his eyes.
Only now, Magnus could see the light tension in his shoulders and the tiny bit of lasting sorrow behind his eyes. It stung Magnus’ heart to see him like that. Losing a Parabatai was more than traumatic and even the strongest of men couldn’t keep themselves complete. Yes, Jace was back and alive, but that didn’t make the awful memory any less real. And any less painful.
“Alexander?” Magnus spoke up gently, resting his hand on Alec’s cheek, pressed against Alec’s side with their faces mere inches away. “Is everything alright?”
The question made Alec smile again, as if there wasn’t a thing that could be wrong when he was here and now with Magnus. Except, the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“Of course.” he said, bringing his own hand on top of Magnus’. “Everything’s perfect.”
“I thought we were already past the ‘don’t push me away’ part.” Magnus tried to mirror Alec’s smile, but left his face open and welcoming, letting Alec know he was willing to talk about it, to listen.
There was a moment of hesitance, when Alec looked away a took a deep breath, bracing himself.
“It’s just.. Jace?” he whispered, holding more tightly onto Magnus’ hand. “Ever since I felt our bond.. breaking, I can’t get it out of my head. I keep telling myself that he’s okay, but doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like watching it on replay again and again.”
Magnus could hear the exact second when Alec’s voice gave up. He almost lost his best friend, his brother, a part of his very soul. It wasn’t something you could simply forget about. And Magnus understood that. He himself had memories that haunted him to this day.
“I know.” he said, Alec’s eyes finally finding his again. “It’s a frightening thought, isn’t it? To feel someone slipping between your fingers with nothing to be done. It’s the worst kind of fear.”
Alec seemed to recall the same moment as Magnus - the two of them lying in this bed, Alec asking Magnus what his biggest fear was. Maybe then, he couldn’t really realize what Magnus meant with his words. But he did now.
“Ho do I stop it? How do I make it go away?”
“You don’t, Alexander.” It was hard for Magnus to say it out loud, to watch Alec’s eyes lose the last remains of their light. “You just try to live with it. Make sure the ones you care about know that you love them and then you let go. There’s not a way to stop it.”
Magnus knew his words were harsh, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie. There was no point in it. Alec was raised to understand that in their world people die. People that are close to you, people so young there’s not much to bury in a grave. But it was today, when the weight of it came crushing down on his shoulders for the first time.
There was nothing more to be said after that. All Magnus could do was to pull Alec closer and let the silent tears fall. He would hold him until they stop and long after that. He’d hold him until the pain let him breathe again and until there would be no one to hold anymore. Afterall, life has always been about losing the ones we love.
I’m sorry, guys! I just had soo many feels after the last episode and I had to let them out. Though, I have to admit it turned out way darker that I thought it would.
It always bothered me a bit how little Malec talk about Alec’s Parabatai bond. It’s a very big part of him and as undeniably important as Magnus is in his life, Jace is, too. That’s why I like to imagine that Magnus actually understands that and would never ask Alec to choose between the two of them or make him feel bad for it. Jace belongs to Alec the way magic belongs to Magnus and the way Magnus and Alec belong to each other.
It’s one of those things I would love to see in the next season.
Read on Ao3.