j. fitzgerald


The Courts & High Lords of Prythian ~ The Summer Court // Tarquin

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer”


As I lay in bed last I thought about how many people have tried to help me along the way, have helped me, a few a whom are no longer alive. Way more people have tried to help me John, than have harmed me, the harm just seems to leave the deeper mark. Anyway, I’ve always felt such guilt that others were wasting their lives on me, that I was a waste that I was unworthy but last night I didn’t feel that guilt or that I was a waste. I didn’t necessarily feel worthiness but I did feel a kind of responsibility, I guess, at least a desire to try and not let you all down. Then I felt the smallest flicker of not wanting to let myself down, you know? Because somewhere in all this, I’ve managed at times to fight for myself for some reason, pride for my life for some reason. And I survived for some reason. And here I am, still for some reason. And me not knowing that reason doesn’t diminish it or invalidate it, or disprove it’s existence. And that’s what I’m going with today

College AU Part 2

written by @krispetrimberly @luraelis @wondergays @wayhauhgt @catyz101 @penvision

-Billy makes them fake IDs after a lot of convincing from Zack

-Billy uses his to vote

-Even with the ID no one believes Trini is of age because of how smol she is.

-Zack always wants to use the fake ID but no one ever asks him so he just starts showing it off. “Ah yes my name is J. Scott Fitzgerald”

-In class a professor calls out “Zack Taylor” “Here”

-Some student who actually believed him “I thought your name was J Scott Fitzgerald the Third!”

Keep reading

June Book Photo Challenge
Day 20: Colours
“We read to know that we are not alone.”
  – C. S. Lewis


Alton Kelley & Stanley Mouse, Skull and Roses, 1966.

Edmund J. Sullivan, The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám, 1913.


Today Seth came to the high school I went to and did a master class! After people sang he told stories about the following people: (in order) Stephanie J. Block, Aaron Tviet, Norbert Leo Butz, Jeremy Jordan, Christian Borle, Chris Fitzgerald, Laura Benanti, Leslie Margherita, Sierra Boggess, Kelli O’Hara (Kristin Chenoweth and Florence Birdwell are mentioned), Jonathan Groff, Lea Michele (Kerry Butler is mentioned), Nathan Lane, Kevin Chamberlin, Audra McDonald, Brian d’Arcy James (Taye Diggs is mentioned), and Sutton Foster.


JUNE 15TH 2018


DATE: JUNE 15TH 2018

On MONDAY, JUNE 4TH 2018; symptoms of a virus began to appear in several regions of the American Southwest, Central America, and Southeast Asia. Physical descriptions of the illness were reminiscent of certain animal bites, but none could be matched to a specific animal. The origin of the virus is unknown. I will continue to post my findings as they come, including updates about new symptoms.

Goodnight for now,

Dr. Xander J. Fitzgerald


  • HIGH FEVER (100.4F / 38C) 
  • PAIN


DATE: JUNE 23RD 2018

The CDC has officially released a press statement as of 8:13AM EST this morning, on SATURDAY, JUNE 23RD 2018, to discuss the status of the disease. They have verified that the new strain, now formally referred to as the T2R2H9 Virus, is legitimate. They’re working on finding a cure, and methods on how to contain it. The Department of Defense has yet to confirm the allegations of initiating martial law to quarantine majors cities, in which the virus has been documenting more reports of the virus.  




DATE: JUNE 26TH 2018

A new break has come in search of a cure for the virus. An independent medical group stationed in Chicago, IL has reported that  they’ve attempted to see if they can slow the rate at which the virus spreads or terminate it with rounds of known antibiotics. Despite their findings being deemed inconclusive by the CDC, their findings suggest that nothing they tried worked to slow or destroy the virus.





The CDC has released a new statement, as of yesterday, SATURDAY, JUNE 30TH 2018. They announced that none of their attempts to terminate the virus have worked, and that it’s starting to replicate itself faster. Symptoms of T2R1H9 have begun to appear in parts of Europe, Africa, and Oceania. A report from Thailand also came out corroborating the findings, as well as verification that the virus is evolving. No information has yet to be found leading to a definitive cause to the virus’ origin.

No word has still yet to be announced from the Department of Defense about the initiation of martial law, however; news outlets have speculated rumors about a bill that will temporarily shut down trade ports and airlines as a means to attempt to contain the virus.





Chaos has begun to set in s news about the virus continues to spread. The public is unrest, and most are fleeing to rural areas to escape the violence of the cities. The Department of Defense has officially placed the United States of America under martial law, and instructs all nations who have yet to follow suit to do so as soon as possible. Autopsies of those who have been killed before the virus could fully spread, have yet to provide leads to a potential cause to help examiners get closer to finding a cure.

Examinations of the bodies showed that several major organs appeared heavily deoxygenated and inflamed, even hours after experiencing the first symptoms. Dissection of the infected organs revealed they were filled with pus and what resembled black mold. One examiner, T. Kanai, said that upon examining one of the mouths of the deceased, she noticed that their teeth were abnormal. She initially assumed the individual had gingival recession, but their gums were perfect and showed no signs of disease or decay. Instead, it was their teeth that seemed to be moving, as if there were new teeth trying to push their way up to the surface. Kanai also commented that something about their eyes made her uncomfortable, but declined to comment any further.





The CDC has set up quarantine centers across the United States, Canada, and Mexico as means to section off the infected from the healthy. In these government sanctioned camps, on staff medical and government personnel have released statements about their findings as they do rest runs to find a cure; which were leaked to the Deep Web and appeared on various political and government message boards over the past 48 hours.

According to personnel in an undisclosed base in Arizona, they revealed that some of the symptoms have taken a drastic and sinister turn for the worst. An unidentified petty officer and medical examiner reported seeing infected individuals with dark blue to black scleras; as well as a sudden loss of their fingernails and seizures. Their accounts have yet to be confirmed, and the CDC has ordered that all deceased individuals are to be burned as a safety precaution; whether or not they’re infected with the virus. The virus has been confirmed as being in six continents, and all airports and borders in 110 countries have been closed as of MONDAY, JULY 9TH 2018.




DATE: JULY 17TH 2018

A research team in Wyoming has taken the data calculated from the base in Arizona, and decided to do a series of experiments to study how the virus changes. According to the study, they took three patients who are at different rates of the infection; placing them under heavy surveillance in separated chambers on TUESDAY, JULY 10TH 2018 at 13:00


SUBJECT #1: Sex unspecified. Aged 25. Showing mild-moderate symptoms; loss of appetite, moderate body aches, tremors, nausea, vomiting, and mild hallucinations [visual].

Overall Health; Stable. Mood or Temperament; Good. Thoughts; Clear.

SUBJECT #2: Sex female. Aged 33. Showing moderate-severe symptoms; rapid weight loss, nausea, vomiting, dilated veins, mild discoloration of the scleras, fingernail loss, moderate hallucinations [visual and auditory], mild-moderate tremors, and a high blood cell count.

Overall Health; Stable. Mood or Temperament; Fine. Thoughts; Scattered.

SUBJECT #3: Sex male. Aged 45. Showing severe symptoms; demonstrates some degree of all the known symptoms, with the exception of loss of appetite. SUBJECT #3 shows symptoms that has yet to be documented among the infected; (1) His original teeth have fallen out, and replaced by a rows of jagged, sharp teeth; made for ripping flesh from bone, and (2)a form of “Wendigo Psychosis”, which is characterized by a deep craving for human meat as food. Upon being given a cooked steak, he refused to eat it. When given a raw steak, he became curious–only to throw it across the room after tasting it. When given a scrap bucket of viscera from the morgue, he took it into a corner and devoured all the contents.

Overall Health; Unstable. Mood or Temperament; Easily distressed and Volatile. Thoughts; Scattered and Unclear.


SUBJECT #1: Condition has steadily gotten worse. SUBJECT #1’s scleras have turned black, and now expresses bouts of intense rage.

Overall Health; Unstable. Mood or Temperament; Unpredictable. Thoughts; Unclear

SUBJECT #2: Condition has remained stable. She still has no appetite, and has to be guided to eating. Her scleras are dark gray, and several of her teeth have been replaced with the same teeth as SUBJECT #3. SUBJECT #2 refuses to sleep, or can’t.

Overall Health; Stable. Mood or Temperament; Anxious. Thoughts; Scattered.

SUBJECT #3: Condition remains unstable. He refuses to eat any food items that aren’t in his bucket, and has been documented demonstrating violent bursts of rage if his needs aren’t met accordingly. SUBJECT #3 requires maximum level amount of security when having food transferred to him, and has demonstrated inhuman amounts of strength. He was also recorded from surveillance cameras, tormenting and antagonizing on duty staff.

Overall Health; Unstable. Mood or Temperament; Unstable. Thoughts; Scattered and Cloudy.


SUBJECT #1: Condition has slowly gotten worse; now demonstrating incredible bouts of strength, throwing their bed across the room when their demands weren’t met. When SUBJECT #1’s fingernails were collected for testing, they attacked an on duty guard; mildly injuring him in the process. SUBJECT #1 refuses to talk to or comply with the orders of staff officials. The status of the guard’s health has yet to be disclosed.

Overall Health; Unstable. Mood or Temperament; Agitated. Thoughts; Unclear.

SUBJECT #2: Condition has slowly gotten worse; her loss of appetite has receded, and she now claims to have an insatiable appetite for raw meat. When asked why, she said she doesn’t know–only that she feels like she’s going to die if she doesn’t. On duty staff decided to test their theory, placing a raw steak and a large bucket of harvested viscera on her table. After some time, she took a liking to the content of the bucket over the steak. After finishing the contents, she was asked why she made the choice she did; to which she said she doesn’t know, only that something told her to-and how she thinks she wants more.

Overall Health; Good. Mood or Temperament; Stable, yet easily distraught. Thoughts; Clear.

SUBJECT #3: During the sixth night, SUBJECT #3 attacked and killed an unarmed staff member in his cell. The guard was found crudely disemboweled; with his organs gone and his blood splattered across the room. The subject was found in the corner of his cell, smiling with blood on his face, arms and body. All attempts to subdue him by armed personnel failed, and was fatally gunned down as a last resort.

Overall Health; TERMINATED

The experiment has been terminated, but SUBJECT #1 and SUBJECT #2 were sent to a maximum security area for further examination before being reintegrated with the base. SUBJECT #1 show little sign of improving, and SUBJECT #2 is unclear.




DATE: JULY 20TH 2018

This will be my last update for some time. I’m going to be boarding a private flight with a group of on base scientists to a base in the American Northwest to collect more data on the virus; which will include myself, KW, JG, OA, MN, DZ, NV, and AM. I’ll do my best to update my log regularly when we arrive to my destination. We’re expected to depart on TUESDAY, JULY 24TH 2018 at 03:00. We’ve been informed ahead of time that we’ll be have to receive extensive training before we would be allowed to interact with the infected directly; meaning we will only have access to interviews and data by means of surveillance footage or by means of separation as demonstrated with the experiment. We’ll be careful, and the next update should be from our new findings at the base.

As of now, no new information has come forward about the status of any recently discovered symptoms.


DATE: JULY 26TH 2018

We landed at the base two days ago, and our search for a cure has been going as planned. My investigation team and I are going to undergo our official training tomorrow morning, which will give us time away from the lab to get acclimated to what it will be like to work with the infected up close. We’re nervous, but hopeful. We’ve been informed that representatives from CDC bases on the East Coast will be flown in via a private service to work alongside us in our mission to provide a vaccine for the virus; with the hope that it will prevent it from spreading further. The current estimated number of the infected population is 956 million.




DATE: JULY 31ST 2018

Our training course has been successful, and we’re scheduled to start getting to work with the infected in the next few days. Several of my colleagues are hopeful that if we don’t find a cure soon, we’ll at least find a patch to slow the virus’ replication rate. Yet, many others remain skeptical and doubtful; with this being the fastest spreading virus that we’ve come to know, infecting nearly one-seventh of the world population in less than two months. I’m going to call this update closed for now, as I have a lot of papers to handle, and my designated team and I have to transport some of the infected to a new security base.




DATE: AUGUST 1st 2018

Shit. Shit. Something went wrong during the transporting process. When we were escorting the infected inside, a guard didn’t see two infected individuals that were roaming the premises unsupervised; being subsequently attacked in the process. We weren’t prepared for this. They didn’t train us for this. We tried to quickly get the other inside, but the two infected ragers got in with us. They attacked the five of us who were closest to the door; an unnamed guard, OA, KW, NV, and myself. I was too slow, and one thing they don’t tell you during your training OPs is that they bite hard. We’re being placed under quarantine for the next few days to check on us, just in case they microscopically broke any skin during the scuffle. I was given permission to bring my computer into my designated chamber, so I can continue to work while I’m recovering. In the event I have become infected with the virus, I’ll be given a series of test drugs to see if they’ll cancel out the negative effects of the virus. I’ll also be documenting my experiences with those as the days unfold. This is going to be a long, long ride.



It’s been two hours since we were quarantined, and just over three since we were initially attacked. I was bitten and scratched on my left calf, and the pain was excruciating. I was screaming and cursing at the top of my lungs nearly the entire way to the emergency unit. The pain was unlike anything I ever felt; being a combination of what I can only describe as a snake bite, a wasp sting, and a second degree burn being magnified ten fold. After my wounds were disinfected and patched up, I was given a round of test antibiotics and a morphine pump before being escorted to my isolation chamber.

The room is sterile, and smells vaguely of pine and cedar. I have a single metal frame bed, a desk connected to the wall, a single shelf above the desk, and a small table where my meals would be served. It feels surreal being in a room like this, knowing what became of those during the experiment. At the moment, I feel fine. The morphine has been helping a lot to dull the pain. The only thing to report on is that the muscles in my left leg feel aggravated and sore.




I got couple messages from people asking to know how I’m doing, and how the rest of my team is. It’s been six hours since my last post, and I’m starting to feel nauseous and experiencing some dizziness; though whether or not that’s attributed to the virus, or is a side effect of the medications they have me on–I’m not sure. As far as the others go, I haven’t been told yet. I’ll do my best to remember to ask a guard the next time one of them comes by to check my vitals. I’m going to try to get some rest and see if that helps or not.





It’s day two of my recovery process. I woke up at 06:00 to have my vitals checked, and had breakfast served to me at 06:30. I’m still feeling nauseous, so I didn’t have much of an appetite. I picked at some of the fruit they gave me, and resorted to mainly sticking to a cup of hot coffee. I feel heavy and fatigued all over, as if I just have a serious cold. I might go back to bed soon. I don’t have the energy to move around right now. I’m going to respond to some emails I got in regards to the recent updates, and then call it quits until I have my vitals checked again at 1230 hours.




It’s 12:45, and I woke up in excruciating pain about an hour ago. I jolted up in my sleep feeling like my skin was on fire, and I felt like I tore a muscle. Not pulled or strained, but tore a muscle–as if it was ripping itself from the bone. I tried to give myself as many pumps of morphine as I could, but I’m on a timed system. So even after a full dose, I was still in tremendous pain half an hour after the fact. An armed guard and two medical personnel came in to get my vitals, and I told them about my pain levels.

They assured me that this was normal, and to not worry. I also asked about how the unnamed guard, KW, OA, and NV were doing. They told me they were fine, and they should be discharged soon. If they or others from my group come by to check on me, I’ll be able to verify their statements then. I’m going to try to eat something light to get my strength up, and then possibly get back to working on some papers from my bed. The current estimated infected population, according to the main CDC headquarters, has now reached 1.7 billion.




It’s 18:35 and the medical personnel gave me some medication to bring my appetite up, and so far, it’s helping. I was able to clear off a sandwich and a small salad, and I’m doing well with holding it down. The medic who checked on me took some new labs, and said I should have my results in by tomorrow afternoon to see if the antibiotics are working or not. They were surprised I was as calm as I was at the time, and that it was a relief for them. I asked them what they meant by that, but they wouldn’t budge. I pried them about it until I got them to cave. I’m still part of this investigation, and I have the right to know what’s going on.

They told me that they’ve worked with hundreds or even thousands of people who have been been affected by the virus, and that knowing how calm, almost unaware of how sick I truly was, caught them off guard. They continued to say that mood swings are one of the most commonly reported symptoms, and are more often than not, violent. I stopped them for a moment, asking what they meant by the last thing they said; about not being aware of how sick I really was. They immediately froze, and stopped talking; as if they realized they said something they weren’t supposed to. They just grabbed their supplies and left without saying another thing.

I’m starting to a little scared, and I still haven’t seen the rest of my team. I’m going to try to get some rest again soon. I can hear a storm coming, and from the looks of it, it won’t be a good one.





I apologize for not updating yesterday like I should have. The weather has been atrocious, and our entire grid lost power from 04:30 to 20:50. I was able to get some notes types out before my battery died, so here’s what I’m able to recall.

My morning routine went much the same, and I was able to be escorted to a quarters area to clean myself up. Getting some fresh air away from my confinement was fine, but I still felt like a caged animal with how close I was being monitored. My body aches and pains have subsided, and I was able to move around more without feeling like I need some type of assistance. My appetite had come back, and was able to make up for all the calories I missed in the form of heavy nutritional shakes and protein bars. Working in near darkness threw my circadian rhythm off, and I ended up sleeping most of the day.

Today was much the same, after the power came back. I was finally able to get my lab results back, and my white blood cell count was triple what it should have been. My body knew something was wrong, and was doing its best to fight off whatever it was. The medic who saw me the previous day came back to administer more antibiotics and experimental test drugs, as well as give me another physical. In the light of the room, they were able to make out my features closer and get better readings.

The veins in my hands and arms were mild-moderately dilated, and both my fingernails and cuticles were chipped/torn and beginning to bleed. They took an ophthalmoscope and went to check my vision, pausing for a moment to take notice of what I didn’t want to believe were the color of my eyes. They just gave me this look, one where you know they’re hiding something from you. They continued the examine, and told me that everything was checking out; but whether or not that was a good thing, they wouldn’t say.

But one thing is certain: I’m infected…and if my reports over the last two months had been indicative of anything; it’s that this is only the beginning, and things are going to get worse from here on out.





I wasn’t able to sleep last night. All I could think about is how the past five days have gone, and how this isn’t what I wanted out of coming here. I spent a good hour throwing up, terrified of knowing what awaits me when this damn disease spreads further. I can’t stop thinking about the two subjects in last month’s update that are still, hopefully, alive. I can’t help but to imagine the fear and dread they must feel or have; knowing there’s an insidious being raging inside them, and there’s nothing they can do to stop it. I wonder how many of them tried to fight back against it, and how many gave up and caved to the beast.

While I was curled up on the floor in a mess of my own pity and sorrow, I thought about SUBJECT #3; wondering which category he was in during all of this. Did he try to fight to suppress the side effects, or did he lose hope and let it win? The the days leading up to him being brought in for the study, he seemed fine, albeit distressed. He was clearly hiding something, perhaps trying to mask his pain as the virus weighted him down. I don’t know. I can only hope he’s at peace now, and that the other two; wherever they are, can have some solice in knowing that we’re going to beat this thing. I don’t know how or when, but we will.

We’ve survived the Bubonic Plague, the 1918 Spanish Influenza, world wars. In the wake of tragedy, we’ve proved time and time again that we’re strong and we’re resilient beings. We’re not going to go down without a damn fight. Everything works out in the end. Right?





I’m beginning to feel weak again, and all I want to do is sleep. I’m losing sight of what’s real and what’s not. I can’t tell if I’m seeing or feeling things because I’m cracking up or if it’s the virus showing itself more to me. I spent a good five minutes shaking in bed, and had a grand mal seizure when I went to go clean myself up just an hour ago; which is something that’s never happened to me. I was able to get ahold of DZ and JG; who were given authorization to meet me. For their protection, they were put in specially designated hazmat suits, and I was handcuffed to my desk. It was bittersweet seeing them, and the look on their faces seeing me was otherworldly. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s just that bleak look of acceptance you see when people are seeing their loved ones for the last time–as if they instinctively knew things weren’t going to end well for me.

They told me the status of the project to look for a cure, which was going as well as I should have expected. The virus was replicating at an alarming rate, and there was no telling what could be used or done to slow it down even a fraction of the rate it was developing. The virus was changing its structure almost every 72 hours like clock work, and predicting its next makeup structure was impossible. In layman’s terms; we were fucked. I then asked them about how the others were doing. MN and AM were fine, and were planning on heading back to our original camp to get away from all the stress they were dealing with here. When I asked them about KW, OA, NV, and the guard; they went quiet.

JG asked me if I was serious, and then became angry when I told him I had no clue what either of them were talking about. I didn’t even know how they got hurt or how bad it ultimately was, only that I wasn’t the only one who got attacked. DZ was surprised that I wasn’t told about anything, and proceeded to fill me in to the best of their abilities. The day after we were quarantined, they got the news that OA died sometime during the night when her aorta ruptured sometime in her sleep. KW was in and out of the operating room since yesterday for what they only told me was “organ failure”, and that NV was stable, but refusing to talk to anyone. I asked them about the guard again, and they told me when they went to go visit KW in the ICU; they swore they saw someone strapped to a gurney, screaming about how “that fucking disease is going to kill us all” and “kill me now before it makes me hurt you”.

Before they left, they tried to comfort me and tell me that they’re not going to stop looking for a way to beat this; even if they have to die trying. JG added that he was going to send me something to look over when he gets back to his dorm. He told me it was for my eyes only, and to not share it with anyone in our circle. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I told him I would keep his promise.




I got JG’s file attachment, and I spent a good hour analyzing it. If what he sent me is true, then this changes everything. Not only for our investigative team, but all of us. In all my years as a virologist, I’ve never seen anything like this before, and it could possibly be one of the most blatant cases of medical malpractice that I’ve ever seen. If this is real, then it would be morally repugnant for me to keep this a secret. I’ll post an update in an hour with my decision. I’m starting to feel sick again, and my back pain is starting to surge again.


Goddammit. I don’t know what to even make of this now. I fired a message to JG, asking him if anyone else in our group knows about this. He replied back quickly; telling me that DZ does, and he plans on telling MN and AM before they board their flight back home. I could tell he knew I was onto something, to which he sent me an angry email back. He insisted that if I told anyone about the attachment, that there was going to be dire consequences for all of us. I demanded to know where he got the information from, to which he told me that he talked to the guard he saw strapped to the gurney in private when the medical team was gone. The guard said that he saw someone open the gate where the two infected people were, and that it wasn’t an accident. The guard was adamant that the attack was on purpose, and that he was sure he wasn’t the intended target–but one of us were.

He went on to say that he found the two surviving candidates from the test, SUBJECT #2 told him about how she became infected with the virus. She claims that she was a child psychologist turned EMT in the wake of the outbreak, and that she often hopped from base to base to help where she could. While stationed in a base near Atlanta, she was approached by a group that claimed to work for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services about partaking in a clinical study to try a potential vaccine against the virus. When she declined, feeling something off about them, she claims they stowed her into the back of a van, and injected her with what she believes to have been a strain of the virus. She was found abandoned several miles outside Chattanooga, with no recollection of her captures.

Unable to believe the story for himself, she showed him scars she got from the struggle and where she began to develop partial necrosis at the injection site. I thought he was bullshitting with me, until he sent me the photos as proof. My stomach sank, seeing what she went through. He continued by saying that she’s sure this entire outbreak wasn’t a fluke or freak of nature; but something deeper. This whole thing is making my head spin. I’m going to call it quits for the night. I’m starting to feel like someone’s watching me. The current estimated infected population is believed to be 2.8 billion.





I woke up to my pillow and bed sheets being soaked with blood, and I wasn’t sure why. When I went to open my mouth to call for help, my teeth began to fall out-one by one. I don’t think I ever screamed that loud before in my life, and it took two guards to hold me back so I wouldn’t hurt myself. I watched helplessly as a medic bagged my teeth and collected a sample of my blood, walking away as if nothing happened. I don’t think my brain had time to process what was going on, so I instinctively ran my tongue across the inside of my mouth; hoping this was some kind of fucked up dream and that this wasn’t happening. All I could feel were jagged edges where my teeth once were, almost like shards of broken glass.

I snapped, and started wailing on anyone or anything that was close to me. I had enough. Whatever this shit was; a natural occurrence or a some damn test by the government, it was finally starting to really hit me that this was real. I could feel my blood boil as I threw everything I could get my hands on across the room. I smashed my table to pieces, and ripped the shelf from the wall; stripping the bolts in the process. It wasn’t until I was coming down from my rage that I saw the extent of what I had done; not only was my room destroyed, but I also broke my left hand in the process. The weirdest part though was that I wouldn’t have even noticed unless I saw it for myself or had it pointed out to me. I can’t tell if my outburst made me invincible or if I’m no longer able to feel pain.

I’ll let you know when I test my hypothesis again.





I’ve been at work testing my theory about my ability to process pain, or possible lack thereof. I took one of the pins off my jacket, and poked at the back of my hand. Nothing. I tried prodding the tips of my fingers. Nothing. I tested it again on my arm, skewering a small piece of my skin in the process. Still nothing. No pain or anything to speak of, even after I started to bleed again. I wanted to push my now, almost certain hypothesis even further.

I took one of my fountain pens, and rolled up my sleeves. I gripped the pen tight in my hand, and with all my strength, I stabbed myself in the upper arm. I could feel the nib of the pen bend from the force, snapping upon making contact with my humerus when it broke through the skin. I ripped the pen out of my arm, sending a large spurt of blood across the floor. Nothing. I barely felt it. What the fuck. I looked at the now broken, useless pen in my hand; covered in blood and what was left of the ink. I stared at it, fascinated. A new thought was starting to cross my mind.

I knew now that my hypothesis was correct; and that this wasn’t a side effect of my mood swings. This was something entirely different. I finally knew, or at least was quite certain, that I could no longer feel pain. Now, I couldn’t help but to wonder if I would find myself in a place where I can no longer feel anything at all. I’ll update you on that theory when the time comes.





I’ve been pouring over my notes, and trying to come to a conclusion as to what I’m going to do with the information JG gave me. The signs were everywhere that this wasn’t normal, and it was something the public needed to know. However, the question was would we do after that makes things complicated. Do we kill the infected, no matter the stage of their diagnosis? Do we just launch all of our nukes, and hope there’s enough survivors to start over? I don’t know.

I finally saw my face for the first time in what feels like weeks. It was eerie to say the least to see how this was manifesting itself; staring back at me. In an attempt to diagnose myself; the physical characteristics of the virus were nearing its final stages for me. My teeth were starting to come back, but weren’t like they once were; now were also cryptid like in their appearance. The capillaries in my skin on my face and neck were more prominent; a condition which my division dubbed “angel skin”, as it gave the appearance of the skin being ethereal, and almost translucent.

My eyes have succumb to changes as well, becoming pitch black and almost void like. Upon closer examination, I noticed that not only did my scleras change, but my irises did as well; going from brown to black, as if they pigment was eaten away. The texture of the hair on my head hasn’t changed, but it seems like the hair everywhere else, aside from my face, was becoming lighter. I don’t recognize myself anymore. Is this the part where I have a nervous breakdown or get lost in myself?

I’ll update this later when I can. I’m starting to feel unwell again, and my stomach hasn’t stopped growling since I left my room.




My stomach has been in a knot all day, and no matter what I try to alleviate it, it just keeps getting worse. I’ve tried an assortment of anti-nausea medications and tricks, but nothing works. For the past hour, something in the back of my mind had an insatiable craving for something. I couldn’t place my finger on it, but the more I lingered on it, the more I knew what was going on. I-I need to test something.


I just sent a request for something specific to eat, and I’m going to see how this turns out. This is sick. I don’t want to do this. But, I have to. I have to find out if what I’m thinking is true. I’ll make another update within the next hour.


Shit. Goddammit. So, I tried to put my theory to the test. It worked. It actually worked. I didn’t want to believe it would, but it did. I spoke to a guard that was part of the week long experiment, and told them about the craving. She understood what I meant by that, and went to go take care of it. She came back with a bucket…that damn bucket. I choked back on my vomit as she put it on the new table in front of me. The smell of the viscera emanating from the bucket was revolting, and I almost threw up. The way they almost shined under the florescent lighting in a collection of their own fluids brought back painful memories of college, and the sheer weight of the bucket caught me off guard.

I pulled it close to me and knew there was only one thing I could do. The voice in the back of my head grew louder, telling me if I don’t eat, then I’m going to die. If I eat, I’ll be okay and it will go away. I swallowed my pride, and reached into the bucket; sloshing the various guts around as they slid across each other. The feeling of wanting to vomit came back as I felt how slick they were. I picked up a chunk of meat, and tore at it with my teeth. The muscle was tough, but gave way the more I ripped into it. It reminded me of a cut of choice meat you would use for a stew. It had some bite to it, and wasn’t stringy.

The nausea I had moments ago melted away the more I ate, and that’s when I knew I was right. This was it. This was the symptom I feared the most, as it signaled the last state of the changes that my team and I were made aware of. Part of me knew this was wrong, and that this wasn’t the kind of person I was. This was sick. This was fucked up. Yet, I couldn’t stop. For a moment, any ounce of self control I had went out the window along with whatever humanity I held onto. I was becoming the very thing I was afraid of, and that there was no going back. This disease..this damn disease made my grave for me, and now I have to lie in it. I don’t know how to tell my team about this. I don’t even know if NV or KW are alive at this point. I just hope that the rest of them are able to get the fuck out of here while they can; especially if that guard was telling the truth.

This will probably be my last update. I don’t trust myself to be around other people, and I don’t know when or if I’m going to lose myself to this. There’s no telling if I’ll be the same person a month from now, a week from now, or even tomorrow. I just don’t know. That’s why I’m stepping away from the investigation as of writing this.  I’m so sorry, but I have to do this. I have to do what’s in my best interest, and trying to fight this thing isn’t one of those things anymore. As part of my way to say goodbye, I’ll be leaving an attachment to the documents I’ve exchanged with JG. Whether or not you choose to use them is up to you. I don’t care, they won’t be of any use for me anymore.

To whoever may be reading this, it’s over. There’s no going back for us as a society. We’re too far gone, and there’s nothing we can do to stop the virus. If you’re one of the lucky ones, run. Run as fast as you can and avoid the infected while you can. It’s up to you to decide whether or not we’re a species worth fighting for. The power is in your hands now. God, forgive us all.

“This is the end, my only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end …”

Goodnight for the last time,

Dr. Xander J. Fitzgerald


J. Kim von James Fitzgerald
Über Flickr:
Polson, MT Voigtländer Bessa R2A 35mm @jamesfitzfranz

Writers I Associate With The Signs (Requested)

ARIES || Stephen King, Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, Truman Capote, Haruki Murakami, Alexandre Dumas, Harper Lee, Herman Melville

TAURUS || Robert Frost, Ernest Hemingway, Jane Austen, Jack Kerouac, Walter Whitman, Ralph Ellison, Oscar Wilde, Charlotte Brontë

GEMINI || F. Scott Fitzgerald, William Sydney Porter (O. Henry), Vladimir Nabokov, Kurt Vonnegut, Lewis Carroll, Albert Camus, Harper Lee

CANCER || John Green, Rick Riordan, Robert Frost, Virginia Wolfe, Charles Dickens, J. K. Rowling, C. S . Lewis, Ralph Ellison, Joseph Heller

LEO || William Shakespeare, Jane Austen, John Steinbeck, Jack Kerouac, Walter Whitman, Herman Melville, Joseph Conrad, Oscar Wilde

VIRGO || Emily Dickens, Virginia Wolfe, George Orwell, Ernest Hemingway, Walter Whitman, Alexandre Dumas, Ralph Ellison, Anton Chekhov

LIBRA || John Green, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, J. K. Rowling, Haruki Murakami, Oscar Wilde, Charlotte Brontë, Joseph Heller

SCORPIO || Franz Kafka, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Marcus Sedgwick, Albert Camus, Truman Capote, Anton Chekhov, Aldous Huxley

SAGITTARIUS || Chuck Palahniuk, Vladimir Nabokov, George Orwell, John Steinbeck, Lewis Carroll, Albert Camus, Harper Lee, Joseph Conrad

CAPRICORN || Sylvia Plath, Marcus Sedgwick, Friedrich Nietzsche, Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Kerouac, Albert Camus, Truman Capote, Anton Chekhov

AQUARIUS || Markus Zusak, Virginia Wolfe, Vladimir Nabokov, George Orwell, Kurt Vonnegut, C. S. Lewis, Alexandre Dumas, Herman Melville

PISCES || F. Scott Fitzgerald, J. R. R. Tolkien, Lewis Carroll, C. S. Lewis, Haruki Murakami, Joseph Conrad, Charlotte Brontë, Joseph Heller