j

summer with(out) you - a letter
summer with you was different. yeah, it wasn’t like this - it was that orange tank top i always wore. i forgot how much i loved orange. it was you loving my red hair and us talking about writing songs, but never writing them. it was me crying and you calling me when you needed something. it was a lot of red eyes.

what i’m trying to say is: i thought i wouldn’t be fine (and on some level i’m not), but mostly i am. mostly i’m breathing. and i spent the week with my sister, and i went to the beach with my family, and you weren’t there for any of it. it hasn’t been anything like summer with(out) you, you know?

when i think about summer with you i realize just how much we have changed, and i think just how messed up were we?

and now, now i’m getting ready to do things that terrify me (things like college and leaving) and i’m trying to remember you telling me that i’m strong and that you love me, but i can’t. your voice keeps getting softer.
and now, that’s how i miss you.

i miss the things i can’t fully remember; it’s been so long, i miss remembering more than i miss you sometimes.

and now, this is what it feels like: it feels like there is no ending. i loved - love - you in a very real and scary way. in a way that i don’t always want to. in a way that makes me want to call you almost everyday and say look at me, baby, i’m alive i’m here i’m breathing thank you for sticking by me, thank you. but i don’t. i don’t ever do that. that’s what i’m afraid of.

i think i believe that writing all of this will make you remember how much love we had in our hearts when we were young and it was summer, even if you never read a word of it. i think i believe that writing letters and not sending them is enough for you to know how much you mean to me. i think i believe in us that much.

we were a lot of things, you know; we were confused and in denial, mostly. we left a lot unsaid. but underneath all that, we were love. we were overflowing with love.

i don’t want to forget that. i don’t want to forget how purely you loved me. i don’t want to forget the moment i learned to love you. we had so much, so much love

and now, it’s the middle of the night and it’s july and i don’t know what to do. because i still love you, i miss you in the worst way, and i’m terrified that we’re on our way to forgetting. i’m terrified because there is a lot that i don’t think i’m ever going to be able to tell you. i don’t know how to deal with that.

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160718 Sayonara Hitori Showcase - Birthday Surprise

J

I got drunk and contacted you when I told myself I never would again. I apologized for things I’m not really sorry for. 

After everything you did and all the lies you told me and how once I figured out that you change your personality based on who you are trying to impress you turned into a monster towards me. 

You were and probably still are a horrible person, and somewhere at the bottom of a bottle you managed to get your tentacles into my head and I reached out when I shouldn’t have. 

I hope you don’t think that makes it okay for you to slowly weasel your way back into my life. 

Stay away.

A

dear n, 

I wish you would text me. I would text you but my multiple texts go unanswered for days and when you finally answer it’s with a one liner and then you disappear again for hours if not days. 

I don’t understand this. We get a long so well together..when we’re in person i’m on cloud 9. You are talkative and sweet and funny and make me laugh. You cuddle and kiss me, but once we’re apart you go radio silence. It didn’t used to be this way before. We’d talk every second of the day till the wee hours of the morning. Sure I have always put more effort in us than you have but you did put effort into us at the begining and now there’s nothing from you unless we’re in person. 

I really care about you so deeply. There is so much of you in my heart, so when I hear nothing from you it just comes across like you don’t care, it physically hurts me so much. I don’t know if you know this butwhen I tell you I can’t sleep, what I’m not telling you is that this whole situtation is the reason I can’t sleep. I’ve been crying myslef to sleep every night for awhile now. 

I haven’t really told anyone how I feel because I know they’d tell me to end it and that I deserve better, but I don’t want anyone else but you. I don’t want people to think you’re a jerk (which sometimes the way you act is kind jerky) because I’ve seen your sweet vunerable side.But you can be very selfish. I know you told me that you were a selfish person right from the start but I didn’t think you’d be selfish to the point where you’d pick breaking up and hurting me over trying to put in more effort. Yes we’re together again but only because I love you so much that I was willing to make it work on your terms.

Anyways this letter is becoming so much longer than I had meant it to be..

n, i’m not asking for much and you know that, you’ve told me that I am the most unselfish most caring person you’ve ever met…so you know I’m being truthful when I say that i don’t expect any grand gestures. All I want is to go back to how we were before. to the fun flirty banters. All I want is for you to show me you care. For you to reach for my hand and hold it first. For a simple goodmorning text, or at least a response to my goodnight texts, or a tag on a funny pic/meme/ ect that you came across on social media that made you think of me or that you wanted to share with me. Or a dm with your latest song obssesion. I miss how we used to share songs back and forth. 

Just show me I’m important to you. Don’t take me for granted. I don’t know how much longer I can keep taking this silent rejection. 

Yours, 

–j

anonymous asked:

i rly want to read the icos series but i dont know whether to read the directors cut or the original of the first book. which do you recommend??

definitely read the original!! for the sake of consistency of writing style and such*. when i was looking into it i saw some people comment that they couldn’t get in to the rest of the series after reading the DC, which makes sense, and it looks like it’s going to be quite some time before they’re all edited.

*and, imo, better character development. i read all the originals and now i’m reading the DC, just for fun (almost finished with part one). they cut down nearly 50% (based on page count) for the DC, some of which i think was definitely a good move (the internal monologues went on for pages in some cases, stuff that could be inferred from reading, so be ready for that). some of the misc stuff wasn’t totally necessary but was still fun to read. world building and character stuff (not necessarily strictly plot related). feels like too much at first but by the end of the first one i got into it, and then it didn’t bother me for the rest of the series, it was just fun to get all the details.

mostly (from what i’ve read so far) the only thing i really wish was kept was hsin’s more involved introduction/release from the fourth. much more powerful in the original.

Dear M,

I’m saying this here because I know you don’t want to talk to me. Sometimes when people are hurt, sad, confused, in mourning of someone or some thing, people come up with complicated answers and forget that things are mostly simple.

I was hurt and grasping for the complicated answers. But it’s simple, you dumped me.

Good bye,

-J

I deleted your number so that I wouldn’t
be able to call you on a day like this
Where I can hardly breathe without you
I can hardly breathe at the thought
that you’re not here and it’s been one of those days where you’re the only one I know who can make it better

I can’t stop crying and I’m so scared
Cause what if you’re the only one who’s ever gonna love me
or worse what if you’re the only one I’m ever gonna be able to love like I loved you
The naive kind of love
I can’t believe I was so lucky to love you
kind of love
Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do kind of love

I’m crying on the train home with tears smearing my lips
With my heart bleeding so hard I feel like it could pour out onto the train tracks

But you’re gone
You’re gone
I know that you’re gone