seeing my mom in that hospital bed was terrifying

i realize how not over i am everything that happened to me. and how terrified i am of anything happening to my family, because i’ve done it before, i can deal with it. why do they have to go through things?

and she had the air tubes in her nose and the IV and the coband and the pain medication button and her raspy, exhausted voice and her weakness and oh my god i had to work so hard to just hold it together and not fall apart crying, even though i really, really wanted to. i couldn’t scare her, or isha, or dad, but oh my god.

how did they do it? how did they watch me for months and months be like that? i can’t even imagine how much it must have hurt…because i’m just about to cry. and then my mom tries to tell me how she keeps thinking about how strong i was- i don’t, i wasn’t my gosh, i wish it was just me in that hospital bed right now.

i wasn’t scared before because it was just a minor procedure but seeing her recovering in so much pain and so weak…its so scary. i don’t want to remember that. but i won’t be able to get rid of that, ever.