Carly: Okay, now it’s time for a brand-new segment here on iCarly. Sam: Which we call- Carly & Sam: The Blab Cam! Freddie: Actually, it’s really called the two-way high-speed video ca- Sam: Well, we’re calling it the Blab Cam, so get used to it.
Valerie: Hey, is Freddie there? Can I see him? Sam: Why would a person wanna see Freddie? Freddie: Right here, Valerie. Valerie: All right, can I just say I think you’re insanely cute? Sam: Uh, Valerie, you might wanna check your webcam and your brain because I’m pretty sure one of em’s malfunctioning.
Sam: Yeah, it’s a new feature on iCarly which we call “Date the Dork.” Whadda ya say, Val? Valerie: Well, I don’t think Freddie’s a dork, and I’d love to go on a date with him. Freddie: *to Carly* You won’t be jealous? Carly: I’ll try to be strong. Freddie: *to Valerie* Yes! Sam: All right, Valerie, just e-mail Freddie the address of the mental institution you’re locked up in and he’ll meet you there.
Sam: Just take the girl out, kiss her, then step back before she pukes.
Mrs. Benson: I’m so proud of you, I can’t believe it’s finally happening. Your first date! Freddie: Moom! Mrs. Benson: And with a girl! Freddie: MOOM! Sam: We’re all in shock.
Mrs. Benson: It seems somebody forgot our little rule. Sam: What rule? Freddie: Just skip it, all right? Mrs. Benson: Freddie, tell her the rule about standing up straight. Freddie: *sighs* …You won’t get respect if your back’s not erect. Sam: *spits watermelon all over the table*
Freddie: I’m not even sure if I’m going on the date. Sam: Yes you are. Carly: You’re going. Freddie: But what if she’s not- Mrs. Benson: Freddie, there is a living breathing girl who wants to go out with you! This may never happen again! Unless… Carly changes her mind. Carly: Freddie and I are just buds. Mrs. Benson: I totally understand. Carly: Thank you. Mrs. Benson: WHY WON’T YOU LOVE MY SON?! Freddie: MOOOM!
Sam: Okay, I’ll give you a thousand dollars for one picture of Freddie’s butt.
Carly: What, noodles can’t live happily in a hard corn shell?
Spencer: I’m cookin’, I’m cookin’ things, cookin’ things for people to eat. I’m cookin’, I’m cookin’ things, things that people will cheeeeew!
Spencer: Then just stare into her eyes and say nothing. That’ll make you seem all cool and mysterious. She’ll be, like, hypnotized! Freddie: Yeah, I don’t really think that works. Because if I don’t say anything won’t she think I’m… won’t she think I’m… won’t she… just…. Spencer: What doesn’t really work?
Carly: I said to stall her! Sam: She is stalled! I slammed the door right in her face!
Freddie: Hey, no one knows audio and video like Freddie-o! Carly & Sam: *groan*
Carly: Good berries. Sam: Well, it’s berry season. Carly: I did not know that.
Freddie: Yep, we’ve gone out together almost every night this week. I’d say we’re almost officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Sam: So which one are you?
Carly: So have you kissed her yet? Freddie: Maybe, a little. Sam: No way! Did she puke?
Sam: Man, I don’t think I have ever seen that kid when he wasn’t sneezing and… wasn’t there a dork next to me?
Freddie: But… Carly and Sam are my friends, I can’t just bail on ‘em. Valerie: Um, from what you told me, Sam’s not your friend. You said she’s always calling you names and putting you down. Freddie: I know, but she can’t help it! She’s just naturally vicious!
Jeremy: She kissed you! And she’s not even your mom!
Carly: Freddie quit! Sam: Quit what? Sucking his thumb?
Sam: Freddie! Open up! We need to talk to you right now! Freddie: *in high pitched voice* Uh, Freddie’s not here! I’m just a lady! Carly: *to Sam* What are you doing? Sam: Picking the lock. Carly: How are you gonna pick the lock with a hairpin - oh, like that.
Carly: WHY are you quitting iCarly?! Sam: Yeah, why?! Freddie: Um, 'cause, 'cause… 'cause maybe I don’t like the way Sam treats me! Carly: Oh, come on! Freddie: Yeah, yeah, she’s - she’s always putting me down, and… and calling me mean names, and… and every time I get an ice cream cone she takes it and she licks it! She just licks it all over the place, just to bug me!
Carly: So you’re just going to ditch us for another webshow?! Freddie: Valerie’s my girlfriend! What am I supposed to do? Sam: Dump the chick! How about that?!
Valerie: Oh, and… don’t say anything. We wouldn’t want Carly to know about this. Sam: I won’t. *scene change* Carly: She WHAT?! Sam: That skunkbag tried to steal me too!
Carly: That little…. Sam: Say it. Carly: I don’t like to say it. Spencer says it’s not lady-like. Sam: Say it! Carly: That skunkbag! Sam: Feels good, doesn’t it?! Carly: Yeah it does! Sam: We gonna go tell Freddie? Carly: Yeah we are! Sam: Can we get a smoothie first? Carly: No we cannot!
Freddie: You’re lying! Sam: I don’t lie! Carly: Yeah! Sam may be obnoxious and irresponsible, but she doesn’t lie! …Oh, you know I love you!
Freddie: You guys were right about her. She’s a skunksack. Sam: Bag. Freddie: Bag.
Carly: Tell him he’s just as important to the show as we are! Sam: Aw, why don’t you just make me drink out of a toilet?!