I Won’t Be the Same (SLBB14)

1999: Sam Winchester runs away from home at the age of sixteen. On a bus to anywhere, he meets Lucifer, and the two weave cross-country together in a brief but passionate affair.

2014: Sam is successful, engaged, and unhappy. He makes one last-ditch attempt to find Lucifer again. He’s got no last name and no address. All he does have is an old picture and the memories of every place they went together.

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Consensual Underage Sex, Unsafe Sex, Smoking, Violence, Car Crash (in the Interlude chapter), Panic Attack, Suicidal Ideation, Homophobia

Many thanks to my beta Amayakumiko, and my artists, MusingsofAshley, and Destielobessed, whose sleep schedules and time zones have yet to catch up to my insomnia, and whose art contributions will be added as soon as they’re posted.

Artwork for I Won’t Be the Same, by maydei

1999: Sam Winchester runs away from home at the age of sixteen. On a bus to anywhere, he meets Lucifer, and the two weave cross-country together in a brief but passionate affair.

2014: Sam is successful, engaged, and unhappy. He makes one last-ditch attempt to find Lucifer again. He’s got no last name and no address. All he does have is an old picture and the memories of every place they went together.

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Consensual Underage Sex, Unsafe Sex, Smoking, Violence, Car Crash, Panic Attack, Suicidal Ideation, Homophobia

Artist’s note: It was a pleasure working with maydei. I haven’t drawn either of these characters much and it was wonderful to be able to tackle both of them on- especially in a manner that had me drawing them at different ages.

I Will Be The Sun - Chapter 25

We pulled up to the Ritz.

“Holy shit you’re staying at the Ritz!?” I asked, completely astonished

“Yeah.. Best hotel in Toronto I assume?” He laughed

“One of the most expensive! Holy shit…” I whispered

I’ve always wanted to go inside. Any stars visiting Toronto usually stay here, I know they do for TIFF. I had waited out here for hours one time hoping to get someone’s autograph.
The doorman recognized him immediately and gracefully opened the cab door. Nate got out, unfolded the wheelchair as the doorman retrieved my bags from the trunk for me and Nate helped me back into my seat. A bellhop came out with a luggage cart and placed my bags on it. We walked through the beautiful and elegant lobby over to the elevators.

“What room, sir?” He asked

“752.” Nate said

He went into the elevator first and Nate and I followed. He carefully pressed the button for the 7th floor. It was an awkward, quiet ride up.

We exited the elevator and made our way down the hall. Nate pulled out his key card and opened the door. He wheeled me in and the bellhop followed. He placed my bags on the floor and Nate tipped him 5$.

“Thank you.” He said

“Anytime.” Nate replied

The bellhop left and I looked around the luxurious suite.
There was a king sized bed up against the wall, numerous chairs, as well as a couch, all positioned to face what looked to be a 72 inch flat screen tv. The kitchen was all stainless steel appliances, the bathroom had a standing shower and jacuzzi tub. And an elegant sink was on the counter, under beautiful lights hanging from the mirror.
Nate wheeled me into the part of the room with the bed. I lifted myself from my wheelchair and sunk into the soft mattress and sighed.

“Holy shit Nate!” I laughed

“Nice, huh?” He said while digging through his suitcase.

He pulled out some clothes and made his way to the bathroom.

“I’ll be back!” He said

“I’ll be here! I replied

I almost fell asleep laying on the bed, it felt so much nicer than the crappy hospital bed that I had been on for over a week.

Nate came back out after a few minutes and he looked so handsome.

"Nate, I… Wow..” I looked him up and down.

Even though he was wearing pretty simple clothes; nice but simple black dress pants, a purple dress shirt and a black tie. He had a black jacket draped over his arm.

“I thought we should match.” He laughed

“Well you look great.” I smiled

“Come on, let’s go eat, you must be starving by now.” He said as he reached for my hand to help me up.

“Oh I am, but that’s ok, I didn’t mind waiting.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him down onto the bed.

“Neither did I.” He kissed my forehead as he laughed

“Nate..” We both sat up

He took my feet and gently swung them around so that my legs were over his and he held me.

“What, baby?” He said softly

“Nothing.. I just wanted to tell you that I love you.” I whispered as I kissed him

“I love you too.” He breathed as he kissed back

He picked me up bridal style and set me back down in my wheelchair.

“So where are we headed?” I asked

“It’s a surprise.” He winked

“No no no no no I hate surprises tell me!” I laughed

“Nope!” He smiled

We made our way back downstairs as Nate called a taxi.

The doorman opened the taxi door for us and Nate helped me in. Somehow word got out, because paparazzi started to gather around as our taxi drove off.

“Shit, I’m sorry Bree. I didn’t think they’d find us that fast.” He said

“They’re the paparazzi, what do you expect? Besides, I’m kind of used to it anyway.” I laughed

I held Nate’s hand the whole way. I was full of excitement because I didn’t know where Nate was taking me. We stopped on the street below the CN tower.
“Are we… Are we eating in the CN tower?”

Nate helped me out of the cab.

“That was the plan, is that ok?” He asked, concerned

“Oh yes, it’s fine! I’ve always wanted to eat here… But don’t you need a reservation?” I asked

We got into the elevator and started to make our way up.

“I already made one.” He smiled


“After you agreed to a date.” He kissed my cheek

“I figured you would’ve been out soon.. Because you were doing so well. But I chose tonight just in case, and I guess I picked right.” He said

“Awe Nate..”

Once we made it to the top, we made our way down to the restaurant.

“Reservation for 2, under Nate Ruess.” He said

“Ah, yes of course. This way please.” The man at the front of the house said

The waiter removed one of the chairs and Nate placed me there and sat down across the table.

“So.. Do you want your own food, or do you want to share something?” He asked

“What ever you want is fine.” I said softly

“Well.. I was thinking of having steak. What about you?”

“I’m actually craving noodles, to be honest.” I giggled

“Ok, you can have noodles, Bree.” He smiled

“What do you want to drink?” He asked

“Oh, just water.”


The waiter came back, placed a basket of breadsticks on the table and asked us what we wanted to drink.

“We’ll both have water.” Nate said

“Perfect. Are you ready to order, or will you need a few more minutes?” He asked with his heavy French accent

“No, I think we’re good.” He said

“Alright, Madame, what will you be having this evening?”

“Um.. The seafood linguine, please.”

“And for you Monsieur?”

“The steak, medium rare, please.”

“Of course.” He closed his notepad and left

“Anything planned after this?” I asked

“Maybe.” He smirked

“Awe come on! Tell me!” I whined

“Nope! It’s another surprise.” He laughed

“Nate!” I angrily grabbed a breadstick as I forcefully took a bite, trying to hide my smile.

“Bree I know you’re not mad, I can see your cute smile.” He grabbed a breadstick and mimicked me.

“Stop it!” I laughed

“Stop it!” He mimicked back

I gave him a death stare while trying not to laugh and he did the same.
I took another bite of my breadstick as he did too.

“These are actually really good.” He said as he ate the rest of it.

He grabbed another one and proceeded to playfully stare at me again.

I started to get a headache, a bad one. But I wasn’t gonna ruin our date and tell him, he looked so happy.

I unrolled my utensils from the napkin and placed the napkin on my lap. I took a slightly anxious sip of water. I was scared that Nate was going to ask me what was wrong, I had to make sure I didn’t look like I was in pain.

The waiter came back with our food and placed it on table.

“Voilà!” He said

“Thank you.” I replied

“Thanks.” Said Nate

Nate picked up his steak knife and his fork and dove right in. I opened up all of the mussels and placed the shells on an extra plate. I ate all of the shrimp, mussels and scallops before I even touched the noodles.

“Hey Bree this is really good, do you want try some?” Nate asked

I swallowed my mouthful of linguine, “Obviously! ” I laughed

Nate held the fork across the table with a juicy piece of meat on the end. I snatched it off with my mouth and began to chew.

I swallowed it, “Holy shit this is good! Mm!”

I spun some pasta onto my fork, “I already ate all of the seafood, but do you wanna try the pasta? The sauce is great.” I said

He nodded and I stretched my fork across the table, extending the fork as close to Nate as possible and he took a bite.

“Mm! That’s really good!”

“I know.” I winked

The pounding and pressure in my head was quickly getting worse so I rested my head on my arm as I twisted the noodles around my fork.
It hurt so bad that I was holding back tears.

Nate looked at me, his smile turning into a frown, “Bree what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.” I choked

“Bree, don’t lie to me. You’re obviously in pain, what is it?” He said softly

“I don’t wanna say it, it’ll ruin the date..” I whispered

“No it won’t, I promise.”

I sighed, “I have a really bad headache and it’s getting worse..” I felt a tear fall

“Bree it’s ok. We can go back to the hotel if you want when we’re done eating ok?”

“No… You had something planned and my stupid concussion is going to ruin it..”

“We can always do it another day Bree. It’s alright, I promise.” He looked into my eyes hoping for an agreeing response.

I put my head down and blinked away the tears, “Ok…” I whispered

“Baby don’t cry..” His voice cracked

“Nate, don’t cry too… No…” I looked up

“I just feel really bad..” I said

“Don’t. It’s ok. We’ll do it when you’re feeling better.” He said softly

I ate the rest of the linguine and Nate finished his steak.

“Bree do you want to share dessert, or do you want to go back to the hotel?”

“I think I can suck it up for dessert.”

“Ok, pick whatever you want and we can share it, ok?”

I scanned the dessert menu, “Cheesecake?” I asked

“Sure.” He smiled

The waiter came back with perfect timing. “Anything else this evening?” He asked as he picked up our plates.

“We’ll have the New York style cheesecake, please.” Nate said

“A fine choice.” He said as he left

“What did you have planned anyway, Nate?” I asked

“Nothing too fancy, a walk in the park. Maybe a stroll downtown.” He smiled softly

“Tonight would’ve been perfect… I’m sorry, Nate..”

“Bree please stop apologizing, it’s not your fault. We’ll do it another time.” He said as he stroked my hand

The waiter came back with our cheesecake and placed two forks on the table.

“Voilà, bonne apétit!” He smiled and returned to the kitchen

We each picked up a fork and took a piece.

“I really love cheesecake.” I admitted

“That’s good, because I do too.” He laughed

We finished it and the waiter brought back our cheque. Nate paid and we made our way back down to the street. All the lights from downtown Toronto always looked so beautiful at night, especially around Christmas time; which I was excited for, even though Halloween hasn’t even happened yet. We waved down a cab and got in.

Once we were back at the hotel, I opened up my suitcase and Nate did the same and we both grabbed our pajamas. I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste from my bag and Nate helped me into the bathroom.

“Call me if you need help.” He insisted

“I’ll be fine, Nate.” I assured him

I closed the door and took off my clothes. I threw on my pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt. I took off my makeup and I brushed my teeth. Standing for so long started to make me a little dizzy, but I managed to stay up.

I finished and opened the door. And Nate helped me slowly walk back over to the bed. My leg did still hurt, but it was getting better.

“The bathroom’s all yours Nate. Don’t be long.” I blushed

“I won’t.” He said

I waited underneath the covers as I heard the toilet flush and then the sink run. A few minutes later Nate emerged, shirtless. He ran his fingers through his hair, “I forgot my shirt out here.” He chuckled

“That’s ok.” I bit my lip

“Is it now?” He smirked

“It is.” I said

“Well alright then.” He winked

He grabbed his shirt anyway, but placed it on the floor beside him and climbed into bed.

I nuzzled up against him and traced my finger along his chest.

“Tonight was perfect, Nate. Even though we didn’t get to do everything you wanted…” I said

“Sorry.” I whispered

“Bree I want you to know this. I don’t care what we’re doing, as long as it’s with you.” He whispered

I sat up, “Y-you mean it?” I asked

He sat up too, “Of course.” He said

“I love you.” He gently kissed my lips.

“I love you too.” I breathed

My left hand rested on his chest and my right hand was behind his head, pulling him closer. He was holding my waist while also running his hands up and down my sides.
My breathing was getting heavier as was his, while he kissed his way up my neck. I gasped, squeezing his back as shivers shot up my spine.

But then I remembered, “Shit Nate, my medication!” I pulled back
He looked a little disappointed but kissed my cheek, “I’ll get it.” He said softly
He threw on his shirt and made his way into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He brought it back over to me and then made his way to his bag and pulled out the bottles. He made his way back to the bed and took two pills from each bottle, then handed them to me. I took the first two as Nate carefully read the labels and put four of the five bottles back in his bag and the second two just as he came back. He placed the one on the table beside him.

“If you need one of these, wake me. I’ll open it for you.” He whispered

“Ok..” I whispered back

I took the remaining 4 pills and I snuggled back up against Nate.

“I wish I could stay in your arms forever.” I murmured

“Forever sounds nice.” He whispered

“It would be nice.” I sighed

We both drifted off to sleep. But not too soon after, I was already having a nightmare. I was back in the alley, covered in blood. But I felt no pain. I heard rustling around the dumpsters and began to run. I ran for what seemed like forever, yelling for help, but not passing a single soul. I woke up, I was back in the hotel room now, laying in bed. I heard a drawer open from the kitchen, but I didn’t see anyone. My breathing was getting heavy, but I tried my best not to make a sound. I heard the footsteps come towards me and I froze.

“Aubrey.” The voice said

Him. It was him. He was here.

“Don’t think that you can run away from me that easily.” He said

“What do you want from me! Just leave me alone!” I cried

“Oh Aubrey, you know I can’t do that.” He pouted

He placed the knife in front of my eyes.

“Now… We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

He raised the knife, ready to tear through my skin.

“Don’t! Stop it!” I screamed

“Nate!” I cried

I felt my eyelids fly open. I scanned the room, he wasn’t there. Nate was getting a pill for me.

“Shhh… Shhh… Bree, it’s ok. You’re safe. It’s only us here.” He whispered

I took the pill, spilling some water on myself because my hands were shaking.

“Baby just try to sleep. It’ll be better in the morning.” He murmured as he laid back down.

I quietly got up to go to the bathroom, my head spinning. I got to the wall right before the doorway and I felt myself fall as I slammed into the wall, then hitting the floor. I heard Nate fly out of bed, “Bree?”

“Bree!” He ran over

I was conscious, just extremely dizzy and light headed. Everything was blurry.

“Nate..” I managed to say

“Oh thank god you’re ok..” He was trying to catch his breath.

“H-help me…” I choked

He gently picked me up bridal style and slowly carried me back to bed.
I heard him sniffle.

“Nate a-are you crying? Please don’t cry..” I whispered, my voice a little raspy

“Bree you scared me… Please wake me next time…” He said quietly

“I-I will…. I’m sorry.” I said

“It’s not your fault.” He replied

I laid back down, resting my head on his chest with my arm draped across him, as his arm around was around me. I could hear his heart racing, as it slowly became calmer. I drifted off to sleep again.

I woke up that morning, my head pounding. I groaned as I sat up, my hand pressed against the side of my head.

“Good morning baby… How are you feeling?” He brought me some tea

“Better, except my head is killing me. W-what happened last night?” I asked

“You had another panic attack, so I gave you the pill and you took it. I tried to go back to sleep and you got up to go to the bathroom. Before I knew it, I heard thumps and I jumped up from the bed and found you on the ground. You were conscious though, thank god.” He said

I tried to process what Nate just said, “Wait, so… I didn’t pass out, or collapse… My legs gave out?” I asked

“That would be my guess.” He said

I had a disappointed look on my face.

“Well, we’re on our way to Ohio today. You can rest on the bus in my bunk, or on the couch with me if you want.” He said

“Can we just cuddle?” I pouted

“Anything for you.” He said softly

We both got dressed and Nate called the front desk to get the assistance of a bellhop. Once he arrived with a luggage cart, we all made our way downstairs. The buses were parked out back, so the bellhop lead us that way. The bus driver helped load the luggage into the bus and Nate helped me up the steps and sat me down on the couch. He then went back to grab my wheelchair. Everyone else filed out from the back of the bus.

“Bree!” Emily screamed

She ran up to hug me and it made me feel so much better. Everyone else came over smiling.

“I take it you guys missed me?” I laughed

“Of course we missed you!” She squealed

“Welcome to the band, Aubrey.” Andrew said

“Wait what?”

“You’re in the band!” Jack said

“Holy shit are you kidding me!?”

“No! We’re serious!” Nate said

I screamed with excitement and rose from the couch and jumped on Nate, making us both fall onto the couch adjacent to the one that I was on.

I kissed him all over.
“Thank you, Nate! Thank you!” I hugged him tightly.

I heard giggles from everyone, I looked up.

“Thank you.” I was so happy that I started to cry.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and Nate kissed my cheek, then lifted me up and everyone joined in for a group hug.

The bus driver walked over.

“Is everyone ready? We’re to leave in 5 minutes.” He said

Everyone said yes and the driver nodded and left.

We all sat down on the couches and I rested myself against Nate.

“I think we’re gonna have a great tour.” He said

“I agree.” Said Nattie

“Me too.” Added Will

“I’ll finally have a girl to talk to!” Emily said as she laughed, I laughed too.

The roar of the engine echoed in my ears as the driver started the bus. It died down as we started to move.

I looked to Nate, “I’m excited, baby.” I whispered

“Me too, baby. I love you so much.” He said before he kissed me.

I cupped his face and kissed him back.

“I love you too.” I sighed

Before I knew it, we were on the highway on our way to Ohio.


The longest chapter of them all, the final chapter! I hope you guys enjoyed the story, I’ll be starting a sequel; The Moon Is On My Side.

I hope you guys will want to read it! It’ll be fluffier than this one (hehehehehehe Veronica)

I wanna thank Veronica (nottheghost-youaretome), Morgyane (sight-of-thesun) and Krista (girlwhosleepswithlogs) for always giving me feedback and for reading my story!

It means a lot!

And to anyone else that still reads this, feedback is always appreciated!

Stay tuned for TMIOMS c:

A fanmix for Maydei’s upcoming Sam/Lucifer Big Bang 2014 fic, I Won’t Be the Same.

Act I

01. Carry On My Wayward Son – Kansas // 02. You Get What You Give – New Radicals // 03. I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2 // 04. The Devil Game – Kansas // 05. Wanted Dead or Alive – Phil Lewis // 06. One Headlight – The Wallflowers // 07. Any Way You Want It – Journey // 08. Scar Tissue – Red Hot Chili Peppers // 09. All Star – Smash Mouth // 10. Better Days (And The Bottom Drops Out) – Citizen King // 11. Closing Time – Semisonic // 12. Kiss Me – Sixpence None the Richer // 13. Time For Me to Fly – REO Speedwagon // 14. She’s So High – Tal Bachman // 15. Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers // 16. Wonderwall – Oasis // 17. God Only Knows – The Beach Boys // 18. Cherry Pie – Warrant // 19. Closer – Nine Inch Nails // 20. Iris – The Goo Goo Dolls // 21. Leather & Lace – Stevie Nicks & Don Henley // 22. Separate Ways – Journey //

Act II

23. There Is – Boxcar Racer // 24. Sloppy Seconds – Watsky // 25. Best I Ever Had – Gavin DeGraw // 26. Half-Life – Duncan Sheik // 27. The Scientist – Coldplay // 28. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day // 29. Alone Together – Fall Out Boy