- Llama is so happy right now, its all I’ve been looking at all afternoon!

A Matt Miller fanmix { L I S T E N }

Scandroid - Celldweller // Breaker - Cryptex // More Lazers - edIT // Fire - Katdrop // First Person Shooter - Celldweller // Execute - Excision // W.D.G.A.F. - Tarro // Bubblin’ in the Cut - Boreta

i was like wow i want to kill myself for wasting 8 minutes of my life ill never get back for watching shrek is love shrek is life

but then i remembered ive probably wasted at least 3 hours of my life watching too many cooks

so yknow


i waste so much time on nothing a lot 

fuck im high 

anonymous asked:

Is there a time frame on when I won't feel like crap about myself anymore? I've become this stone with no feelings & no emotions towards people. Ive been so apathetic. I haven't had any contact with my attacker since I changed my number twice but his girlfriend (ex best friend) follows me on Instagram and it's like the toxic waste pours into my life again. Ive made up all these scenarios in my head on what I'd do if he found me. I hate being so paranoid. I hate feeling like he has control (cont)

(cont) Over me and my life. I hate the way my life has been affected because of him. My self esteem has been crushed and I really wish I could erase what happened. It’s almost been four years. Shouldn’t I be over this by now? Shouldn’t I be okay? Why am I not?


I know you and a lot of others wish there was an official time frame of healing- but there isn’t.

I can’t tell you why you aren’t okay. I don’t know what you have and haven’t been doing to get better and I don’t know what tools you’ve had and what people you’ve had in your life to help you.

I know survivors who didn’t start really healing until over a decade after their trauma. Because they didn’t have the resources and they didn’t have people willing to help them.

I have a hard time putting a timeline on my own recovery because I’m a multi trauma survivor with uh… a long history let’s just say.

I’m not going to tell you that you can heal when you want to put in the time and effort. I’m not going to give you some boot straps commentary.

What I will say is that healing does take effort and help and tools and skills. and I know what it is like to be so exhausted of trying things-

and there is a time for just saying fuck it I can’t do anything else right now.

but time? time won’t heal us on our own. We also have to be trying different things to get better.

and I stress different because sometimes I talk to people and I say you have ot be trying and they’ll go ‘I am trying I have been trying’ and what they mean is

‘I have been doing this one set of things that I have seen no results from and I keep doing them and that isn’t working’ and doing that takes just as much, if not more energy out of us as trying new things.

or occasionally its ‘I’ve tried everything’ and… a it’s doubtful they’ve tried everything. there are thousands upon thousands of different things out there and b. they tried it the way I tried hair colors in college. Where they only did it once or for a few days….

and unfortunately when we look for one cure all- it’s easy to discard things.

I’m going to reblog something about my own personal philosphy for healing and getting over things ( including the fact that I believe trying to ‘get over it’ in the end holds us back.) . 

but that post will go into that more.

I’ll still reblog that post about apparently I deleted the thing about why I think the phrase ‘get over it’ actually holds us back.

So let’s talk about that.

Phrasing it as getting over it- puts a lot of stress on us to be ‘done’ and I don’t necessarily know that there is a done.

as we grow, we learn to heal and we learn to handle things and we often get into a much better place- but I don’t believe that ‘better’ is a destination.

It also takes our focus off of the progress that we are making because we aren’t ‘there’ yet- wherever there might be.

I think healing is a journey- and it’s about how we learn to handle things… instead of a destination often times I think ‘better’ is a skill set. and not a single skill- but rather a collaboration of a bunch of skills and actions and there’s such a wide variety of options for how it goes.

i need a MerDer heaven episode when this is all over i need them to be reunited in the after life bc now shes a single mom whos already lost her sister and her best friend, and christinia is on the other side of the planet and i swear to god this wasnt even a season finale it was midseason. you cant do this shit midseason. oh well ive wasted what 6 or 7 years of my life. thanks shonda rhimes, kiss my ass

I think my issue is really just that I don’t retain information if I don’t constantly use it, and I know that happens to everyone because our brains are changeable and stuff and you can loose certain things if you don’t use them often enough and etc. 

But I feel like it happens faster with me? So I like always have to be repeating the same ideas to myself and thinking about the same things or else parts of things drift away sort of? 

Like for example I think it was about a year and a half/two years ago (before we had a computer or anything) that I used to spend a lot of time just reading books and looking stuff up on my phone, because I was in an empty apartment with no real source of entertainment but still too anxious to leave very often. So I would just study random things and I had decided to study OCD , and like I read every study I could find on my phone and I read psychology textbooks and I read multiple books from the library written specifically on the subject and a few written by people who have OCD themselves who were talking about their experiences with it, and I looked on forums to see more people talking about their OCD and I looked up all the common treatments and medications and etc. etc.  Like after a while I had really extensive knowledge on OCD specifically and could tell you so much about it. But fast forward like just about two years later, I’m looking on my shelf and I find my old notebooks and I started looking through one of them and it all seemed like almost new information to me! I mean of course I can still remember the concept of OCD and a bit of things about it but my knowledge now is probably like 5-15% and then it was like 85-90%. And that’s only two years? And it’s not like I crammed all the information, it was over the course of a while, it’s not like I only studied it for a week, it was over a course of multiple months. Given I don’t use the information in daily life, but like do people honestly forget information that fast?? That just seems very rapid to me. I’m distressed that I found that notebook and that some of it seemed like things that I hadn’t heard before. That makes me feel like no matter how much I study something I’m probably always going to forget it? A lot of my other notes that were about different topics I also skimmed through and some of them seemed sort of strange to me as well, and like I had forgotten parts.

Now I’m just thinking about it as a whole and I do have a tendency to be very repetitive in my thoughts and interests and I think it’s because like I just forget certain things so fast, if I’m not constantly using the information then I forget it. And since i don’t go to school and I don’t talk to anyone and I don’t leave the house and i’m afraid of everything, OBVIOUSLY I HAVE VERY LIMITED WAYS TO USE THE INFORMATION I LEARN. So does that mean I’m just going to end up forgetting everything I study just because I’m a hermit and have no way to apply the knowledge to the real world and continuously reinforce it?? If I have to use information in order to retain it, and I never have a way to use information, then I’m just going to loose all of it? I care so much about information and I really like learning things so I guess this is just upsetting because studying things is my second favorite activity (creating new things/making things is my first), so if I’m coming to the realization that all of my studying I’ve ever done is going to be inevitably pointless then that’s very life-changing. :U