(cont) Over me and my life. I hate the way my life has been affected because of him. My self esteem has been crushed and I really wish I could erase what happened. It’s almost been four years. Shouldn’t I be over this by now? Shouldn’t I be okay? Why am I not?
I know you and a lot of others wish there was an official time frame of healing- but there isn’t.
I can’t tell you why you aren’t okay. I don’t know what you have and haven’t been doing to get better and I don’t know what tools you’ve had and what people you’ve had in your life to help you.
I know survivors who didn’t start really healing until over a decade after their trauma. Because they didn’t have the resources and they didn’t have people willing to help them.
I have a hard time putting a timeline on my own recovery because I’m a multi trauma survivor with uh… a long history let’s just say.
I’m not going to tell you that you can heal when you want to put in the time and effort. I’m not going to give you some boot straps commentary.
What I will say is that healing does take effort and help and tools and skills. and I know what it is like to be so exhausted of trying things-
and there is a time for just saying fuck it I can’t do anything else right now.
but time? time won’t heal us on our own. We also have to be trying different things to get better.
and I stress different because sometimes I talk to people and I say you have ot be trying and they’ll go ‘I am trying I have been trying’ and what they mean is
‘I have been doing this one set of things that I have seen no results from and I keep doing them and that isn’t working’ and doing that takes just as much, if not more energy out of us as trying new things.
or occasionally its ‘I’ve tried everything’ and… a it’s doubtful they’ve tried everything. there are thousands upon thousands of different things out there and b. they tried it the way I tried hair colors in college. Where they only did it once or for a few days….
and unfortunately when we look for one cure all- it’s easy to discard things.
I’m going to reblog something about my own personal philosphy for healing and getting over things ( including the fact that I believe trying to ‘get over it’ in the end holds us back.) .
but that post will go into that more.
I’ll still reblog that post about apparently I deleted the thing about why I think the phrase ‘get over it’ actually holds us back.
So let’s talk about that.
Phrasing it as getting over it- puts a lot of stress on us to be ‘done’ and I don’t necessarily know that there is a done.
as we grow, we learn to heal and we learn to handle things and we often get into a much better place- but I don’t believe that ‘better’ is a destination.
It also takes our focus off of the progress that we are making because we aren’t ‘there’ yet- wherever there might be.
I think healing is a journey- and it’s about how we learn to handle things… instead of a destination often times I think ‘better’ is a skill set. and not a single skill- but rather a collaboration of a bunch of skills and actions and there’s such a wide variety of options for how it goes.