my whole life I’ve been conscious, conscious of how i look, how i act, what i look like when doing things, of how other perceive me. even in kintergarten, i was this way, probably even as a baby, though lets not pretend that i remember what it felt like to be a baby. the jokes/ things my friends laughed at i never found funny, is mature the right word? i feel like ive always been more mature than the people around me… i dont mean this is a rude ‘im so much better than everyone else’ kind of way, i simply mean it in…. i seemed to have much different interests to all of my friends and idk.. i dont know how to put it, i certainly dont feel like im ‘better than everyone else’ hell no! but like …. idk i never found the things my friends laugh at funny… i never enjoyed g rated children’s movies, not even when i was the exact target audience they marketed it for… like i always felt like these things that my friends laughed at were cheesy and lame… not to say that my friends are cheesy or lame, but i always had different interests… i enjoyed watching discovery channel as a kid and learning stuff… i was a “nerd”/ “bookworm”… i dont know what happened to that part of me, literally can not stand reading now. still watch discovery channel and am always looking up edcuational articles on sciencey stuff/nutrition.
but thats not the point im trying to make. the point im trying to make is that ive been worrying about literally everything in my life for as long as i can remember, ive always made calculated risks… so there was never really a risk. i always thought of the future… i always will.
here i am… second year out of high school still unhappy.. more unhappy.. well more and less. this has been one of the best years of my life, but im in a course that i fucking hate in a city that i dont want to become stuck in..
do you see? i have yet again forced myself to be part of a situation that i do not enjoy because i worry about the future too much?
i justify this as i’m no longer in Otago doing what i actually liked to do, and im saving money by doing this, and i have stronger friendships and more opportunities (mainly because i actually have money and a car here)
but i have no idea whether this is the right decision or not? do i stick with the degree i hate studying… but will be a good degree, that will allow we to travel, have holidays and there will always be jobs for… is job stability what i want?
i mean ideally… yes… job stability is pretty neat
but… is being this unhappy… and not actually enjoying my course worth that?
a friend of mine went to uni last year to do an atypical course in something he really wanted to do… im not sure about the number of jobs in the field… as a guess i would say they are fairly low… but i mean… he left uni to do what he WANTED to do… when he no longer wanted to do that…. he recently changed his course/uni to do another course in something quite different… but something that he again WANTED to do, in a place he WANTED to go…
going by that.. why do i not do the same?
i think its because my mum is very similar to me in personality, she always taught me to take the safest option… reliability is key.
when i left otago, the safe option was coming home, though i really wanted to stay because i LOVED my science.. and idk about the friend thing… it was a bit messy still, i did belief that if i stayed it would get better if i made the effort… because it is always me making the effort… even when i felt it wasnt my fault… in every single relationship/friendship… its me. i make most of effort.
(side note: because i have always made the effort in these relationships, now i no longer do this, in fact i probably put too little effort in relationships, i blame/thank my ex for this, i learnt from him that no matter how much effort you put in, some things are inevitable.. so i mean if someone doesnt immediately fall in love with you, why bother… if a super hot guy, with an amazing personality doesnt txt me back within a day, thats me done with him, i will no longer txt ever again, unless of course he makes the effort, say he txts me the next day, i’ll of course txt him back and everything will be dandy, but because he ignored one txt, i will no longer waste my time with him you know? only reply to him txts/snaps, will not try an contact him myself. and if he doesn’t ever txt me again, it doesnt hurt so much, because i havent put myself out there… i havent spent this time and energy trying to think of something cute of funny to say to him, i dont know if this is a good or a bad thing.. ive always encouraged myself for putting myself out there, i think it takes courage and really speeds things along when you are straight to the point, and txt someone first, show them your interest, i think its something that takes balls to do you know? but it is extremely energy consuming, when it is constantly you doing it, and your not getting it in return. when it comes to friendships i think my constant willingness to txt ppl first and arrange plans, is the reason why these friendships were so strong. i pretty much planned every get together my friends had, even when i didnt really feel like being social. thats all stopped now, i literally cant be fucked with any relationship anymore. its time for someone (friend or boy) to put me first, and txt/contact me first and be like hey i want to hang out with you/ i enjoy spending time with you/ i like you.
um this is a long sidenote, but whatever, this is coming off my chest and no-one really reads these… the ones who do, dont usually tell me. meh i dont really give a fuck anyway. i speak the truth. honesty is both my strength and my weakness. learn to admire it, because you will always know where you stand with me….) (side note to that side note: do people not understand that what we usually call a bitch is just an honest person? what they say you might not want to hear, but as long as its not intended to be rude, you should be a little thankful for the honesty that person is giving you, ive been told some hurtful things from hoenst people, but i would rather hear what they think about me to my face than from behind a good friends back.)
im really glad that i came back in the end though, ive had soo many more opportunites here, to travel, to meet people, to make money, to get my confidence back
no regrets there… but i do wish i was able to figure it all out sooner, because i would have moved to auckland and done that make up diploma which i really wanted to do! or i just found out about a naturopath school that you can do by correspondence… that would have been totally my thing..
now im in whangarei, and im very thankful, and all my great friends, its all very good here.
but its too safe
and now i want to be free
and do some stupid shit
but i need to do stupid shit to free myself
that is what fixes me
i want to move to north shore now
i dont want to do teaching anymore
but i feel like ive wasted 2 years if i change again
maybe i should just finsih this degree and do the safe option
then after that i can be free
but i want to be free now
i want to be in north shore
i want to be around people my age
and boys my age
because i also feel that it is time that i was appropriated,valued and respected
i feel that, that is long overdue