ive-always-been-right-there

If being a guy is a “phase” then let me state that I’ve being living this “"phase”“ since I was four. They said that was a phase too, but back then they called me a tomboy. Now I know what I actually am, and I’m still told it’s a phase. Please back off, because apparently you haven’t been paying attention.

It’s 3 in the morning I’m awake because I’ve been having nightmares all night there’s no one I can I turn to for comfort the only people I care about in phoenix don’t value me the way I do them I feel more alone then I ever have Im at my highest weight I’ve ever been im stuggling with fucking life and to think senior year of high school was the year it was supposed all end but it didn’t and then I thought things would get better but surprise they didn’t

Privilege to hate

So with all the library we are facing not too enough people are noticing the oppression that is being born from it.
Ive always been a supporter of equal rights when it comes to race, gender, sexuality and any given number of other political issues. How ever im noticing that each step we take in progress we take a step or two back into regression.
You can’t fat shame people now but if you’re thin its open season on your ass.
You can be proud to be gay every where in north America and most of the free world. But God forbid im proud to be straight because its offensive.
You can protest against oppression if your any race except for us racist white people. We are all privileged so we get less rights than other people.
As a man I have no protection against rape, discrimination, domestic violence and sexual harassment in the work place. Spousal support and child custody im 80% more likely to lose on both fronts.
Im twice as likely to get shot by a cop. Part of the only minority that’s not allowed to be called a minority.
Im a broke ass working class joe..my family never owned a slave or had much money..we worked for every thing we got In life. Yet because im white I am privileged..

my family watches a lot of old films, and they also frequently ask each other who such and such actor is, oh, i think they were in this as well, do you remember the name? and obviously theyre all the same to me bc i have shoddy facial recognition skills and hollywood people look even more alike than regular people, but i always answer ‘humphrey bogart’ bc ive been right more often than not that way. 

Blahh 7/28/15

ok. so i never really write on here, but Nicole suggested I do,so im going to because shes always right about everything. lately ive been feeling pretty shitty, and the only time im not is when im hanginout with nicole/our friends. i feel like im so stressed out about the future, and concerned about if other people are okay/happy that i completely disregard if im okay and happy, myself. i put too much time into people and make too much of an effort that isnt deserved to be given to most people.i hate that when i care about something, i care about it in full force and care about something/someone so much . i wish i could be a bitch and have a fuck you attitude towards most people, but i cant. thats not who i am. im tired of putting effort into relationships that wont work, whether it be a boyfriend or just friendships. im tired of everyone only thinking of themselves, and people being so similiar and mediocre. its sickening. nicoles the only person whos been there for me through everything, and we are always going threw similiar situations. we always come out of whatever is going on , and get through it together. i cant wait for the day when were both just completely happy, happy with our lives , and happy with ourselfs as individuals . its something we’re working on together-whether it takes months or years..we will get there eventually. on another note, i cant wait to start school again. its like, the one thing i look forward too. most kids dont want to go back to school, but for me…school is what takes my mind away from alot. i think ill just go to school forever lol. blah. i had a good weekend with nicole and andrew, saturday we just hungout and drank a little, and played cards against humanity ..then sunday we had a awesome day longboarding and swimming. i cant wait to have more adventures. today me and nicole went to the forge and went in the water a little and just hungout. i love being outside more than anything i feel like its when im at my happiest/carefree . then my momma made me and her dinner, we went for a hour long walk on a woods trail, and then we came home and watched tv. i feel exhausted, but definitly better that i got some thoughts out of my head. once again , nicole was right and this helped alot ..soooo youll probably be hearing alot more from me. i have work in the morning and im tired as hell, gooooodnight

my whole life I’ve been conscious, conscious of how i look, how i act, what i look like when doing things, of how other perceive me. even in kintergarten, i was this way, probably even as a baby, though lets not pretend that i remember what it felt like to be a baby. the jokes/ things my friends laughed at i never found funny, is mature the right word? i feel like ive always been more mature than the people around me… i dont mean this is a rude ‘im so much better than everyone else’ kind of way, i simply mean it in…. i seemed to have much different interests to all of my friends and idk.. i dont know how to put it, i certainly dont feel like im ‘better than everyone else’ hell no! but like …. idk i never found the things my friends laugh at funny… i never enjoyed g rated children’s movies, not even when i was the exact target audience they marketed it for… like i always felt like these things that my friends laughed at were cheesy and lame…  not to say that my friends are cheesy or lame, but i always had different interests… i enjoyed watching discovery channel as a kid and learning stuff… i was a “nerd”/ “bookworm”… i dont know what happened to that part of me, literally can not stand reading now. still watch discovery channel and am always looking up edcuational articles on sciencey stuff/nutrition. 


but thats not the point im trying to make. the point im trying to make is that ive been worrying about literally everything in my life for as long as i can remember, ive always made calculated risks… so there was never really a risk. i always thought of the future… i always will.

here i am… second year out of high school still unhappy.. more unhappy.. well more and less. this has been one of the best years of my life, but im in a course that i fucking hate in a city that i dont want to become stuck in..

do you see? i have yet again forced myself to be part of a situation that i do not enjoy because i worry about the future too much?
i justify this as i’m no longer in Otago doing what i actually liked to do, and im saving money by doing this, and i have stronger friendships and more opportunities (mainly because i actually have money and a car here) 

but i have no idea whether this is the right decision or not? do i stick with the degree i hate studying… but will be a good degree, that will allow we to travel, have holidays and there will always be jobs for… is job stability what i want?

i mean ideally… yes… job stability is pretty neat
but… is being this unhappy… and not actually enjoying my course worth that?

a friend of mine went to uni last year to do an atypical course in something he really wanted to do… im not sure about the number of jobs in the field… as a guess i would say they are fairly low… but i mean… he left uni to do what he WANTED to do… when he no longer wanted to do that…. he recently changed his course/uni to do another course in something quite different… but something that he again WANTED to do, in a place he WANTED to go…

going by that.. why do i not do the same?

i think its because my mum is very similar to me in personality, she always taught me to take the safest option… reliability is key.

when i left otago, the safe option was coming home, though i really wanted to stay because i LOVED my science.. and idk about the friend thing… it was a bit messy still, i did belief that if i stayed it would get better if i made the effort… because it is always me making the effort… even when i felt it wasnt my fault… in every single relationship/friendship… its me. i make most of effort.
(side note: because i have always made the effort in these relationships, now i no longer do this, in fact i probably put too little effort in relationships, i blame/thank my ex for this, i learnt from him that no matter how much effort you put in, some things are inevitable.. so i mean if someone doesnt immediately fall in love with you, why bother… if a super hot guy, with an amazing personality doesnt txt me back within a day, thats me done with him, i will no longer txt ever again, unless of course he makes the effort, say he txts me the next day, i’ll of course txt him back and everything will be dandy, but because he ignored one txt, i will no longer waste my time with him you know? only reply to him txts/snaps, will not try an contact him myself. and if he doesn’t ever txt me again, it doesnt hurt so much, because i havent put myself out there… i havent spent this time and energy trying to think of something cute of funny to say to him, i dont know if this is a good or a bad thing.. ive always encouraged myself for putting myself out there, i think it takes courage and really speeds things along when you are straight to the point, and txt someone first, show them your interest, i think its something that takes balls to do you know? but it is extremely energy consuming, when it is constantly you doing it, and your not getting it in return. when it comes to friendships i think my constant willingness to txt ppl first and arrange plans, is the reason why these friendships were so strong. i pretty much planned every get together my friends had, even when i didnt really feel like being social. thats all stopped now, i literally cant be fucked with any relationship anymore. its time for someone (friend or boy) to put me first, and txt/contact me first and be like hey i want to hang out with you/ i enjoy spending time with you/ i like you.
um this is a long sidenote, but whatever, this is coming off my chest and no-one really reads these… the ones who do, dont usually tell me. meh i dont really give a fuck anyway. i speak the truth. honesty is both my strength and my weakness. learn to admire it, because you will always know where you stand with me….) (side note to that side note: do people not understand that what we usually call a bitch is just an honest person? what they say you might not want to hear, but as long as its not intended to be rude, you should be a little thankful for the honesty that person is giving you, ive been told some hurtful things from hoenst people, but i would rather hear what they think about me to my face than from behind a good friends back.)

im really glad that i came back in the end though, ive had soo many more opportunites here, to travel, to meet people, to make money, to get my confidence back

no regrets there… but i do wish i was able to figure it all out sooner, because i would have moved to auckland and done that make up diploma which i really wanted to do! or i just found out about a naturopath school that you can do by correspondence… that would have been totally my thing..

now im in whangarei, and im very thankful, and all my great friends, its all very good here.

but its too safe

and now i want to be free

and do some stupid shit

but i need to do stupid shit to free myself

i do.

that is what fixes me

i want to move to north shore now

i dont want to do teaching anymore

but i feel like ive wasted 2 years if i change again

maybe i should just finsih this degree and do the safe option

then after that i can be free

but i want to be free now

i want to be in north shore

i want to be around people my age

and boys my age

because i also feel that it is time that i was appropriated,valued and respected

i feel that, that is long overdue

***HELP***  

“You know Leeas a marysue in her own right?”

YEEAAAA.

Ive always been aware of Leea having many sue qualities. But I also tried to balance it out with a lot of flaws.

She was my first serious oc back in ‘ye olde neopet sonic days’, so cut me some slack.

Healing / Life Revival

Healing always exhausted her, often making her pass out after exerting herself if the wounds/damage was to high.

If she needed to revive someone, she gave up her own life for them to live. She died in their place, but long after or soon, her mother would revive her to life once more. If her mother did not exist, she’d always be dead - or only one use to this power.

Elemental Usage

Yes, she has the ability to harness just about any element she so chooses, but truthfully, she only uses wind & ice on a daily basis.

Lighting is something shell never use, as the trauma that Dereck inflicted on her in the past makes her scared of it.. Including lighting and storms in general.

The other elements she seldom used.

3 Entities in One Body

This itself was done by the Ancient Master, think of it like a test. Krink herself was a alternate of Leea, less caring and only cared for herself, but when allowed, she took control of their body and did so that she could see through Leeas eyes.. She sort of started to care, but she later separated from Leea and took to her own life. Krink also holds the ‘Draco’ that allows them to sprout wings. With her no longer present, Leea can no longer fly.

Bloodlust was nothing but a blood thirsty demon. She gave Leea the ability to take many more hits and deal damage - one of her most hard hitting is always icing over her robotic arm like a chunk and hitting someone with it.

Robotic Parts

Leea was literally snapped in half when younger, her cousin saved her by making her robotics to support that side of her body. Without it.. Shed likely be dead ! :V

..As for different colored eyes. Its makes me laugh when people think she is heterochromia. When in truth, her red eye is a fake one, at he very least its robotic.

Her markings below her eyes are make up as well. They are just fancy things she liked. They can be removed at anytime.

Fox in sonic form? When parents are Panther and Bat??

Her father was a Fox/Bat Hybrid, I just never got around to ever redesigning mister ass to look like one. Seeing as Ive only drawn him as human really.

Her and her siblings took on the Fox more then anything, other then adopting there mothers colors.

The only ones that ever adopted more Panther features we’re Yasamay and Sasamay.