ivans a duck

[RusAme] And Blood is Not Enough: Part 2/3

<<Read the Prologue Here>>

RusAme Superhero AU

Rated: T [Violence]

-A Vote Story-

Earlier that morning…

Ivan had already been awake for two hours by the time he walked quietly to his bed with two cups of coffee. A morning run through a still sleeping city and an hourstrength training left him just tired enough that a calm and pleasant feeling hummed through his bones. He paused to open the blackout curtains, letting a ray of warm orange sunlight peek through, and smiled at the lump coiled under the comforter in the center of the bed.  Ivan sat down on the edge of the mattress and knocked the lumps foot with his knee. “You’re going to be late if you don’t wake up, Alfred.”

Alfred groaned from under the goose down blanket and pulled it tighter to himself, hiding his face from the light. “’S too early,” he moaned.

Ivan knocked his foot again and barely stopped the coffee from toppling over when Alfred kicked back in retaliation. With a curse in Russian he gently put the coffee on the floor and peeled the blanket away from Alfred. “Up,” he ordered. Alfred blinked, curling further into himself at the loss of heat and vaguely flipped off his boyfriend of two years. Ivan smacked his foot gently as Alfred rolled over and shoved his face into the mattress. “I made coffee, though you nearly spilled it all,” Ivan offered and trailed his fingers over his Achilles and rested finally on the tanned swell of his calf.

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anonymous asked:

"and then matthew showed me his butt and-IVAN HOLY FUCK LOOK A CAT !!!"

           “…and then, Matthew showed me his butt and – IVAN, holy FUCK, look!  A cat!”

           Ivan abruptly tuned back into his lover’s babbling at the excited shout, and turned to catch sight of a plump looking main coon trying to creep out of one of their neighbors’ apartments.  He stared at it for a moment, and the main coon stared back, the brown splotches on the fur blending with the beige just enough to make it look like it’d stolen a pair of his lover’s glasses.  He blinked.  It tilted its head and mewed cutely.

           “SQUEEEEEEE” was shrieked right into his ear, as Alfred yanked him close and squeezed him, ecstatic.  He bit back a wince, and sighed.

           His boyfriend normally had a short attention span, but when it came to animals - especially the adorable, cuddly variety (which for Alfred, included bears for Christ’s sake)- it was nonexistent.  His lover would coo over them for hours.  And Ivan loved animals – really, he did – but he had nowhere near the devotion that his Alfred did.

           The cat looked up at Alfred and meowed cutely – prompting another ear shattering squeal – probably thinking here’s another sucker I can milk for food, Ivan thought uncharitably.  Though by the looks of the remains trailing where the cat had been, it looks like he’d found their fish thief.  At least Mrs. Number 5b would stop hassling them about the missing fish.  He was pretty sure she thought he was an ex-Soviet spy who kept sneaking into her apartment to steal her gourmet imported Norwegian salmon.  Though why a Soviet spy would break into her apartment to steal salmon he’d never quite figured out….

           Alfred was a big meat eater.  Ivan preferred red meat, though he did like fish as well. But neither of them ate fish with the consistency that Mrs. Number 5b claimed her salmon disappeared at.  Thank God for Alfred’s brief venture into the legal world – he’d convinced her not to demand recompense.  He’d seen the bills for those fish – he shivered.

           “Awww, look at the poor thing, Vanya,” his lover was now cooing, fussing over the cat, who was milking it like there was no tomorrow, before turning to toss a pleading look at him.  “He looks so hungry and lost,” He certainly looked no such thing to Ivan, “we should get him something to eat!”

           “He’s already had his fill, I would think,” he responded dryly, glancing at the fish remains near the door of Number 5b, before looking straight into big, pleading baby blues and said, “I thought you wanted to finish telling me about your brother’s drunken escapades?”

           “I can tell you the story of Matthew drunkenly mooning half the members of the Canadian parliament later!” he said impatiently, and he was sure that Matthew would be relieved that Ivan wouldn’t have that much more blackmail material on him.  “We need to feed the poor thing!”

           “You’re visiting Matthew in a few hours,” he reminded his lover, “Isn’t he allergic to cat hair,” which was getting all over the younger blond as he curled the purring cat closer to his body.

           “I’ll shower later,” he cooed as he nuzzled noses with the cat in his arms.  Ivan wondered if he should be concerned about diseases, but then again, the cat looked too well taken care of to be a stray.

           “Weren’t you going to work on your thesis while the pie was baking?” he reminded, moving forwards to wrap his arm around Alfred’s waist and pull him down the hall.  The cat shifted, and gave a mrrmph as it resettled.  “Arthur will be furious if you don’t bring the pie,” he insisted, “and doesn’t your professor want an outline of your paper by tonight?”

           “Arthur’s bringing his own pie,” Alfred said, as if he hadn’t just condemned everyone at the party to a night of choking down charcoal and an even worse night trying to digest it, “and Professor Vargas just wanted a bibliography.  I’ll just pull it off from my citation system.”

           Right.  So, either way, he was going to die through a furious Arthur Kirkland for neglecting to redirect Alfred’s crazy impulses.

           Ivan looked at the plump, smug looking cat, and sighed. There was no way this wasn’t coming back to haunt him.

           “Why don’t I get the little one fed and washed,” he proposed, and Alfred turned to him and blinked. “I’ll take him out for a nice treatment at the pet spa down the street, they can keep him over night,” Elizabeta, the owner, would give him a discount, because despite the fact that neither of them had a pet, they were in there every week or so with one of Alfred’s strays. “You, моя Лубова, go finish your bibliography.  Bake your pie, so your brothers don’t kill me.  Shower, get dressed, and tomorrow we can see about finding his owner, да?”

           Alfred and the cat turned mirroring pleading eyes at him, “Can’t we keep him?”

           Ivan stared at the tower of puppy-dog-eyed cuteness and refused to flinch and cower at the power in those mirrored gazes.  He would not give in.

           Alfred bit down on his bottom lip and there was the faint sheen of tears building in big, brilliant blue eyes.  Ivan bit back a groan and could already picture himself in his mind waving a white flag.  That’s it, he was done.  Why the hell was it his boyfriend that had to be so fucking extra?  And why did he love him anyways?

           “I’ll get Eliza to run him,” was it even a him? “through the registry, and check for a chip,” he said, feeling as though he was standing at the top of a mountain with a rockslide building beneath his feet.

           The ear-piercing squeal that Alfred let out was deafening.  And that was by human standards, he couldn’t even imagine how the cat was still purring like a motorboat being as close as he was.

           Of course, the multitude of kisses his lover pressed upon him absolutely made up for the ear piercing squeals.  He even resigned himself to becoming fond of the fluffball that was nuzzling his arm from where he’d ended up squashed between the two of them.

           “My salmon!” a furious voice screeched from down the hall, and they jerked apart to stare at each other for a long moment, before turning both their gazes on the cat, who, as impossible as it seemed, had adopted an adorable innocent expression.  An expression that was ruined by the piece of fish stuck on its whiskers.

           Ivan closed his eyes and inhaled, long and deep, before he turned to face the sheepish expression on Alfred’s face.  “I’d better take the back staircase, then,” he said dryly, settling the cat into his arms.

           “You’re the best, babe!” Alfred grinned, “Oooh, when you get back, I’ll finish telling you about how Matt got drunk and tried to show me his ass tattoo and ended up mooning half the Canadian parliament!  I promise!”

           Ah, so he was being paid in blackmail.  Well, as long as Matthew was still sensitive to that kind of ploy – and he usually was – then it was well worth it.

           “Pie,” he said, regardless, “and shower, Fedya.  I’ll need the shower when I get back.”

           Alfred waved him goodbye and unlocked the door, ducking into their hallway just quick enough to avoid a furious Mrs. Number 5b who was coming their way.  Ivan ducked down the stairwell, but that harridan’s screeching was audible even on ground level.  The still nameless cat in his arms meowed in distress, patting his paws over his fluffy ears, and Ivan looked at him in sympathy for the first time.

           Well, at least there would be someone else to suffer the woman’s wrath now.  Poor cat didn’t know what it was getting itself into.

AO3 because I couldn’t help myself

twilishark  asked:


Who holds…

The umbrella, when it rains - Ivan, though he has a bad habit of trying to give Toris a little too much personal space, and so the umbrella sometimes drips on him. 
The popcorn at the cinema - They hold it on the arm rest between them, and its always salt. But they don’t go to the cinema often, and Toris holds the snacks as he usually sits in Ivan’s lap on the sofa when they watch movies at home. 
The baby, when it cries - Ivan. He’s really good at lullabies, and the crying distresses Toris so he has a bad habit of stressing the baby out more
The ice cream cone, when they share - Toris, as Ivan sometimes grips it a little too hard and shatters the cone. Also Toris likes ice cream more than Ivan 
The remote, when they sit down to watch a movie - Ivan, otherwise Toris will keep changing the volume and brightness
The basket, when they go shopping - Ivan. Toris holds the list, and bobs about, whilst Ivan reminds him of stuff he forgot.
The door, on dates - They’re pretty equal, but Ivan knows it gets on Toris’s nerves if he treats him like he’s more delicate than him (which he did a lot at the start of the relationship)
The other’s hand, most often - Ivan used to let Toris initiate it but Toris likes to hold hands anyway, so they hold hands a lot. Otherwise their little fingers are intertwined.
Their breath, upon seeing the other on their wedding day - Ivan, and he started crying happy tears, which started Toris off and they ended up a tearful giggling mess at the altar. 
The camera, when they take pictures together - Toris has a steadier hand, so Ivan often ducks down with his chin on Toris’s shoulder. Ivan has a habit of kissing Toris’s cheeks in photos and it makes Toris really happy \OwO/

Real-time fandub highlights:
  • RIP Ryan
  • Lucia is Amethyst
  • #AntHunt
  • Dipper: "I can smell my brain."
  • Waluigia
  • Dipper: "I don't want my breakfast to kill me."
  • Soos: "Hey did you know that Chalupas and Tacos are the same food? It's a conspiracy."
  • Dipper: "Stop drinking coffee, switch to de-caf."
  • Sheriff Blubs: "I'm already hot chocolate. get it? cuz I'm hot and attractive? That has nothing to do with race."
  • Mabel: "Are you sure the footprints didn't do it?"
  • Dipper: "Yeah, it was the invisible wizard, with an axe!"
  • Soos: "You can't chop a chalupa with an axe."
  • Dipper: "This is just like the Spongebob movie"
  • Mabel: "hey, are you a corner?"
  • Manly Dan: "the clock insulted my fandom."
  • Dipper: "I can understand that."
  • Durland: "HE'S A GOBLIN IN LOVE!"
  • Toby: "Your little legs must be tired-no wait not yet."
  • Blubs: "Can we just kill him because Goblin lives don't mater."
  • Blubs: "This new season of Breaking Bad is really weird."
  • Stan: "Some may say it's wrong for a man to love a meme about himself."
  • Random breaking out into songs from "Aladdin-The Return of Jafar."
  • The *horrific* Karaoke of "All Star" during the break.
  • Oscar: "If that karaoke was a politician, it would be Trump."
  • "That was far too coherent to be Trump"
  • The Ukulele cover of Peanut Butter Jelly in tribute to Dogan.
  • The recitation of the History of Japan.
  • "Lapis, Peridot, Jasper, Steven, Pearl, Amethyst, Bismuth, and Garnet all fused to make Dogan."
  • "Peridot is actually Larry King"
  • "The Cameo of Steven's brother."
  • "The Cameo of an ant."
  • "Bismuth and Greg got together and Bismuth revealed herself to be Stan."
  • Soos: "Is this a mushroom? No that's a doorknob."
  • Wax Sherlock Homes: "I would say the dying scene from 'Blaze Runner' but I forget it."
  • Wax Sherlock Holmes: "laughy laughy laugh and die"
  • Sheriff Blubs: "Let's all go get some HOT CHOOOOCLOLATE"
  • Dipper: "We used coffee to kill a man."
  • Wax Larry King Head: "Hey, you should kill me."
  • Cash Wheel Announcer: "Welcome to cash wheel: the show with a wheel with cash in it."
  • Wallet Dad: "ha ha don't puke all over the ground."
  • Announcer: "I sure hope your questions are answered cuz were back."
  • Stan: "yada yada yada, I have a big nose."
  • "If a girl online says she's Asian is she Asian?"
  • "What if she's Russian?"
  • "Asians are like the Weeping Angels."
  • "The Weeping Asians."
  • Mabel: "Ok, well the real #1 is YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!"
  • Stan: "Time to use my old man powers: AAAAHHHH BUILD A WALL!!!!11 BUILD A WALL!!!!11"
  • "Um, sir we have Donald Trump on the premises"
  • "ah, uh, um, PUT HIM ON TV!!"
  • Stan: "I'm a cartoon stereotype"
  • "I shouldn't have gone back"
  • Dipper: "Hey, here's my girlfriend, she's Asian and Russian!"
  • Guy (after seeing his worst nightmare): "TRUMP IS PRESIDENT, TRUMP IS PRESIDENT TRUMP IS PRESIDENT!"
  • Mabel *helping someone with the vending machine*"hey, there's a portal behind there, did you know that?"
  • "We'll be right back to Real-Time Fandub on Dogan TV."
  • Ant Hunt Clue #1: "vlpjjanps onoeodyoncexxl"
  • Mabel: "Is a Capricorn a unicorn in a cap or is it a unicorn who drank a Caprisun?"
  • Dipper: "Mabel you have crazy ADHD."
  • Mabel: "Not a wo-manattee?"
  • Mabel: "My whiskers aren't nearly that big."
  • Dipper: "Thank you for randomly handing me a bottle."
  • Mabel: "'McGuckett labs?' Is that a band name?"
  • Dipper: "He has a McGuckett face."
  • Lil Big Dawg: "Oh, hey, I'm here and I'm eatn' my pants."
  • Lil Big Dawg: "Gotta go fast gotta go fast"
  • Soos: "Looks like Sonic's my overlord"
  • Dipper: McGuckett, come here boy!"
  • McGuckett: "Don't tell me not to vote for Trump!"
  • why did that page fall so slowly
  • Mabel: "If you suck all the water out of a watermelon does that make it a regular melon?"
  • Dipper: "THAT'S A NEWSPAPER!"
  • Dipper: "He did vanishified! Or did he?????"
  • Dipper: "This is like a Zelda Puzzle."
  • Soos: "Man that was a lot easier than a water temple."
  • Blind Ivan: "What is it you have seen?"
  • Lazy Susan: "i saw ghost busters the remake and it was ok i guess"
  • "Mabel was asking SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!111"
  • Dipper: "OH WAIT I'M DIPPER!"
  • Lazy Susan: "I feel like a feeling."
  • Dipper: "Your hat's gonna get there before us!"
  • Dipper: "To the Bat Cave!"
  • Mabel: "What's the difference between pie and cake????"
  • Robbie: "My Chemical Romance felt like My Little Pony to me."
  • "What are you Scallywags doing here?"
  • Blind Ivan: "There's a duck and there's an eye but not any more! hahaha!"
  • Mabel: "If evolution is real-"
  • Dipper: "Mabel! Don't erase our minds, and, yep that's my plea, yep that good!"
  • Mabel: "If evolution is real why can't Aquaman tale to all animals? It doesn't make sense???"
  • Soos: "Mabel is a bottle if maple syrup."
  • Mabel: "Polly Pockets are just tiny barbies."
  • Toot-Toot-Mc-Bumbersnazzle: "I love Polly Pockets!"
  • Mabel: "It's okay, we can all go play Pokemon Go."
  • *Young Fiddleford's monologue*
  • Young Fiddelford: "Scare Crow Brother."
  • Mabel: "Adventure Time got weird! That was the Ice King, right?"
  • Stan: "Whoop! There goes a Rick and Morty cameo!"
  • Stn: "Time to make this a running joke for the next few episodes."
  • dudududuududududuududuududuuduududuedededededeedlellelelldldldldajdededeldeasdaddaedededeaarrfatffeddetaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
  • Steven Universe Real-Time Fandub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111