its weird like seeing myself look at myself

i am having dad feelings and i just want someone nice like rupert graves to be my dad. or like a dad figure. like literally. because fun fact i’ve been noticing myself looking for those certain qualities in dads i see on tv or in movies or just people in general. because guess what my dad didn’t really have those for the last few years. and like, i want a dad who is a dad. 

my dad was a dad for a while and a really good one, but not when i really needed him. and i think i really need a dad right now. you know like a dad figure. and i feel like i might be looking for those qualities forever.

but anyway rupert seems like he is an amazing dad and i want that. 

Being so busy this year so far and then being suddenly very not busy has resulted in a weird lack of inward reflection until like… today. My mind was always elsewhere, outside of myself. Now I just feel hollow, amongst other things. But this ounce of nothing before the rest seems well placed, as I look at myself, inside myself - and see so much that I need to work on. And what I struggle with these days is preparing myself to work on these things for me, not other people. Not for the asshats I have spent my life trying to impress, because I consistently choose the people who deserve my thoughts poorly. And then I realize that I have to become more than is possible - do you know what I mean? I can only seem to bolster my positivity up so much before it just deflates and I’m left here with my old self. My old, blind self.

Not much of a sad rant, I know but I’ve always wondered.
What do people see in me ? Besides me being a soft hearted person.. What else is there about me.
I get that you cant see the ‘good things’ about yourself but if you looked at someone else’s perception on you, you could under stand but.
I-i don’t see it. Like not at all..

I don’t know if its weird but. To myself I’m just a girl. I’m just that casual girl who would rather have small beautiful gifts instead of giant unreasonable ones.
Like, I don’t ask for much. I just ask for that one person to be loyal. Or anything.
It hurts knowing I can’t believe people when they tell me the 'good things’ about myself but.. How can I believe it when I’m to clueless and dull. ♥