its the new religions

3

Jews, Christians, and Muslims are planning to build a house of worship Berlin - the “House Of One” - that brings a synagogue, a church, and a mosque together under one roof, making it the world’s first house of prayer for three religions. The three separate sections will be linked by a communal room in the center of the building. This will serve as a meeting place, where worshippers and members of the public can come together and learn more about the religions and each other.
It is to be built in "Fischerinsel", on the site where the first church in Berlin, St Peter’s, once stood.

It is necessary to acknowledge that gender variant, trans, and nonbinary identities have always existed for folks with indigenous, black, and brown ancestry. Gender variant people in these cultures were often attributed semi-divine statuses and regarded as powerful leaders, spiritual oracles and celestial bodies. Black and brown communities were punished for gender practices that did not conform to “proper” European notions of masculinity and femininity. White people forced these communities to assimilate to Western religious practices that reinforced the gender binary system, and now white queer and trans people have the nerve to condemn communities of color for these “backwards” religious beliefs. 

What can we do as a white queer and trans people to honor the gender-variant ancestry of black and brown communities and not impose Western ideals of gender in our politics? How can we name our own pain within white religious institutions without scapegoating religion and its function within POC communities? It’s time to start a new conversation on religion and trans politics—one that holds this history as a way forwards, the key to a new future.

—  Dear White Trans People Who Are Anti-Religion | Mud Howard for HuffPost
It’s been a hard year.

in the past twelve months we’ve seen too much. 

across the world we’ve seen devastation and hatred. if it’s not the manmade terror of neo-nazis and hate groups voicing their opinions and being protected by those in charge, it’s disasters like harvey or irma that shock us and leave us broken. 

it’s been a year that feels suspiciously like we’ve gone back in time. nazis marching in the streets and calling for the deaths of jews, calling for the deaths of people of colour. the threat of nuclear war looms over our heads as the leader of the free world engages in arbitrary battle with north korea’s leader. 

and then there’s personal lives and the struggles we all face.

i’ve spent this past year trying to reconcile my sexuality with my religious beliefs, something i thought i’d dealt with long ago. i faced coming out to my mother and am still working through the fallout of it all. i’ve battled stress and anxiety and neither seems to be giving up any time soon. 

this world is crumbling around us and we, too, are crumbling within it.

every year i try to enter rosh hashana with a message of hope and happiness, as is tradition. we wish our friends and family a ‘sweet new year’ and we go to shule and we pray for our souls to be spared and for our lives to continue on for another lunar calendar year.

but i think we need so much more than that this year, so here we go.

i wish you all a year of clarity, filled with understanding who you are, of who you want to be. i wish you success in following the paths you choose to follow.

i wish you a year of strength, with the hopes you use it to fight through whatever comes, and the courage to face whatever it may be.

i wish you a year of love and light, to combat the hate and darkness that threatens to divide the world.

i wish you luck in facing the uncertainty that our futures hold, in standing up for what you believe is right, for trying to make this world a better place for the people in it.

the coming year is always hard to face, and it’s even harder to face it knowing that things will probably get worse before they start to get better. but humanity has survived through the darkest of times, we’ve thrived when we’re together. this year i’ll be praying for our safety, for our love, for our health. i’ll be praying for the world and her people and for love to finally conquer hate. 

i’ll be praying that we get the chance to rebuild our crumbling world.

shana tova.

Transcription of “history of japan”

welcome to my night, where i basically sat down for a whole hour typing this entire thing down. wtf am i even doing. 

———

Japan is an island by the sea, filled with volcanos and its 

♪ beautiful 

In the year negative a billion; Japan might not have been here.

In the year negative forty thousand; it was here and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it.
Then it got warmer some icebergs melted and it became an island, and now theres lots of 

♪ trees ♪

because its warmer. 

So now there’s people on the island that’s basically just hanging out in between the mountains, eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like 

stones and bowls.

Ding dong ♪

It’s the outside world and they have technology from the future like, really good metal and crazy rice farms. 

Now you can make a lot of rice, really, really quickly. 

That means if you own a farm

you own a lot of food,

which is something everybody needs to 

SURVIVE. 

So that makes you king. 

Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here.

The most important kingdoms were,

  • here
  • here
  • here
  • here
  • here, 
  • here 
  • and here.

But this one was the most, most important.

Ruled by a heavenly superperson 

or Emperor for short. 

knock knock.  

get the door,  its 

♪ religion

The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from

Baekje.

Please try this religion.” he said. 

No” said everybody.

♪ Try it ♪”  he said.

“No” said everybody again, quieter this time. 

And so, the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. 

Then the government was taken over by another clique and they made some reforms like,

  • making the Government govern more. 
  • And making the Government more like China’s Government, which is a Government that governs more. 

“Hi China.” they said.

”Hi dipshit.” said China.

can you call us something else other than dipshit?” said Japan. 

Like what?” said China.

♪How about sunrise land ♪” said Japan. 

And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book. 

‘bout themselves. 

And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves.

Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for awhile. 

~right here~

and they conquered the north, finally. 

Get that squared away.

A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits China and learns a better version which is more  

♪Spiritual

comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be  

♪great

for a long time.  

And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country.  

So if you lived outside the palace how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals

♪ h i r e   a   s a m u r a i  ♪

Everyone started hiring Samurai. 

  • rich, important people hired samurai.
  • poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai

The samurai became organised and powerful. 

More powerful than the government. 

So they made their own military government 

~here~ 

They let the “Emperor” still be “Emperor” but the Shogun is actually in control. 

Breaking news! 

The Mongols have invaded China!

We’ve invaded China.” said the Mongols. “Please respect us or else we might invade you as well.

okay.” said Japan. 

So the Mongols came over, ready for war and– 

died in a tornado(typhoon). 

But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then– 

died in a tornado(typhoon). 

Then the Emperor overthrows the Shogunate and Shogunate overthrows them back and moves to Kyoto and makes a new Shogunate. 

And the “Emperor” can still dress like an Emperor if he wants. 

That’s fine. 

♪ now there’s more art  

  • like painting with less colours 
  • collaborative poetry
  • plays
  • monkey fun
  • tea parties 
  • gardening 
  • architecture
  • FLOWERS.

its time for– 

~who’s going to be the next shogun?~

Usually its the Shogun’s kid.
But the Shogun doesn’t have a kid so he tries to get his brother to quit being a Monk and be the next Shogun.  

He says “ok"

But then shogun has a kid. 

So now who’s it gonna be?

~vote now on your phones!~

And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. 

The Shogun actually didn’t care

he was off somewhere doing poetry. 

And the whole country broke into pieces.
Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and 

its anybody’s game.

knock knock. 

its Europe. 

No, they’re not here to take over (yet)
They just wanna sell some shit, like clocks and guns

and ♪ Jesus

so thats cool.  

but everyone’s still fighting each other for control. 

~now with guns~

and wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital?  
Which right now is puppets with no one controlling them

This clan is ready to make a run for it.
But first, they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way.  

~surprise~

smaller clan wins and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital and it goes very well.  

He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him, kills him and then someone else who works for him, kills them 

and that guy finishes conquering Japan.  

and then he confiscated everybody’s swords, and made some rules.  

“and now I’m going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China” 

he said and failed and also died.  

But before he died he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of japan

And the five guys said,  

“yeah, right. its not gonna be this kid, its gonna be one of us, cuz we’re grown ups.“ 

And it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. 

A lot of people support him but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins and starts a new Government

right here. 

♪ Edo

and he still lets the Emperor dress like an “Emperor” and have very nice things. But don’t get confused, this is the new government and they’re very strict. 

So strict they closed the country

No one can leave and no one can come in

Except for the dutch because they wanna buy and sell shit but they have to do it right here

Now that the entire country is not at war with itself,
the population increased a lot. 

  • business increased 
  • schools were built
  • roads were built 
  • everyone learnt to read
  • books were published 
  • there was poetry
  • plays
  • sexy times
  • puppet shows 

and dutch studies.

People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch

we’re talking– 

  • geography, 
  • skeletons, 
  • physics, 
  • chemistry, 
  • astronomy,  
  • and maybe even electricity. 

Over time the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do–

knock knock. 

its the united states.
with huge boats with guns, 

gunboats. 

“open the country. Stop having it be closed.”
said the United States. 

Theres really nothing they could do so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. 

Chōshū and Satsuma hated this. 

“that sucks.” they said. 

“this sucks!!!!” 

And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate and somehow made the emperor the emperor again and moved him to Edo which they renamed, Eastern Capital

they made a new government which was a lot more western. 

they made a new constitution that was pretty western. 

and a military that was pretty western. 

And did you know what else was western?
Thats right, its conquering stuff. 

So what can we conquer?
Korea, they conquered Korea. 

Taking it from its previous owner, China.
and then go a little bit further and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, 

“stop, no, you can’t take that.
We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.” 

and Russia builds their railroad supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. 

and then when the railroad was done they downgraded to a fuck ton. 

Did i say downgrade?

I meant upgrade. 

And Japan says, 

“can you maybe chill?”

and russia says, 

“How About Maybe You Chill?” 

Japan is kinda scared of Russia.
You’ll never guess who’s also kinda scared of Russia. 

Great Britain. 

So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be 

a little less scared of Russia. 

Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia.
Just for a moment.
and then they both get tired and stop. 

♪ it’s time for World War 1 

The World is about to -Have A War-

Because its the nineteen hundreds and weapons are getting crazy.
and all these Empires are excited to try them out on each other. 

Meanwhile Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants– 

more. 

and the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands

And all of that stuff belongs to Germany which just had war declared on by Britain because Britain is friends with Belgium which is being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France is friends with Russia who is getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria is getting ready to kick Serbia’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass or– 

actually shot on the head. 

and Britain is currently friends with Japan so you know what that means. 

Duh, ♪ Japan should take the islands 

which they wanted to do anyway. 

So they called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know.
and then they did it, and they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. 

Now the war is over. 

Congratulations japan!

You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes where they decided who owns what. 

And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany, you also get to join the, Post-War Mega alliance– 

♪ the League of Nations 

Whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. 

The great depression is bad and Japan’s economy is now crappy.  
But the military is doing just fine and it invades Manchuria and the league of nation’s just like– 

“No don’t do that, if you’re in the league of nations you’re not supposed to take over the world.”  

and Japan said “♪ How bout I do anyway? ” 

And Japan invaded more and more and more and, more of China.  

and was planning to invade the entire east!

~You got mail~

Its from Germany.
the new leader of Germany,
he has a cool moustache
and he’s trying to take over the world

and needs friends. 

This also got forwarded to Italy, 

they all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. 

♪ it’s time for World War 2 

Germany is invading the neighbours.
Then they invade the neighbour’s neighbours.
Then the neighbour’s neighbour’s neighbours who happened to be Britain said, “holy shiit”
and United States started helping Britain because they are  

♪ good friends 

and started not helping Japan because  

♪ their friends and our friends are not friends 

plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean 

The united states is also working on a large very huge bomb.

bigger than any other bomb, ever™.  

Just in case.  

But they still haven’t joined the war.  
War looks bad on TV and united states has really started to care about their image. 

But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii,

and challenges them to war. 

and they say yes, and then Germany

as a symbol of friendship, 

declares war on the United States also.  

So the United States goes to war in Europe.
and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany.  
and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan.
And they haven’t used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works.  

So they dropped it on japan.  

they actually dropped two. 

United States installed a new Government, inspired by the United States Government.  
with just the right ingredients for a 

♪ post-war economic miracle 

And Japan starts making  

  • TVs  
  • VCRs
  • automobiles 
  • and camcorders 

as fast as they can and also better than everybody else.

they get rich and the economy goes wild and then the miracle wears off.

But everything’s still pretty cool i guess. 

♪ bye 

——–

i did it. Thank you Bill Wurtz for this wonderful masterpiece. 

BECAUSE–

also p.s.: i sincerely apologise if someone has already made a whole transcript of this. pls u can hire a samurai against me if u wan 2 ;A;

Dream Daddy Head-canons No One Asked For.

It’s Hurricane Time and I got bored. ( Keep in mind I’m still finishing the game) 

  • Robert’s been to jail before, misdemeanors and petty crime.
  • After getting bailed out he was made to work at the shelter with Mary and Damian.
  • His first reaction to seeing a shih-tzu was to shake it repeatedly because “What the fuck? Is this a dog or a rat?”
  • Damian had a talk with him about different breeds and “please refrain from shaking the living creatures in this facility, especially the small ones. We..kind of need them alive.”
  • That’s actually where he got Betsy. For all his hangups about smaller dogs who “don’t look like dogs” Robert wound up turning into a marshmallow around them.
  • Mary may or may not have arranged for him to adopt Betsy after seeing how good the volunteering did for Robert ( he drank and smoked less, tried to show up on time, he was always happy around the dogs)
  • She kinda wishes she had given him a bigger dog when the first thing Robert did was try to hunt for cryptids in the dead of the goddamn night. (Betsy’s a tough pup though. She does okay at keeping her human safe.)
  • Brian makes lasagna for Daisy every first day of school ( it’s her favorite dish)
  • Both Brian and Joseph have very…open reactions to anyone who suggests parents with Neuroatypical kids are burdened or need a support group.
  • They might or might not have egged the car of the last person who said that.
  • Brian and Daisy go on a camping trip the week before school starts every year.
  • Daisy’s first fishing rod was this tiny pink for-toddlers-rod that she still keeps to this day.
  • Amanda tutors Daisy in Social Studies, Daisy ends up helping her with English. ( that kid is smart) 
  • Lucien has the best English grade in Hugo’s junior class.
  • No one but Mary knows that it’s because when he was little he and Damien would have readings of Victorian novels.
  • Sometimes Mary and her kids would come along.
  • Lucien actually winds up babysitting the Christiansen kids a lot.
  • It is entirely possible that he’s the one who taught them to amp up the creepy twin factor to keep bullies away.
  • It is also entirely possible he makes sure he scares off the ones that the twins don’t creep out.
  • Not that he’ll ever fess up to it.
  • Christopher’s middle name is Robin ( because Mary couldn’t resist)
  • Christian and Christie’s middle names are Matthew and Ruth respectively.
  • Mary and Joseph may or may not have been trying to outdo each other on who could come up with the most religious name.
  • Mary’s still not sure how much morphine she was on that she allowed that but she’s decided her kids just need enough confidence to carry the -slightly ridiculous- names.
  • Crish lucked out -sorta?- and didn’t get an uber religious name.
  • Chris spends a lot of time with Crish while the twins wander off. He almost prefers to hang out with his baby sibling over anyone else.
  • Carmencita and Ernest switch to Spanish at near every social gathering and it drives everyone up the wall.
  • Robert always eggs them on, he likes the chaos.
  • Robert also refuses to tell just where the hell he learned Spanish “it’s classified”
  • Robert has G.A.D. which he self-medicates for both by drinking and smoking
  • The dads have actually talked about getting him to quit because “Jesus Robert you’re not even like a chill stoned person. You get outright paranoid.”
  • Having Betsy helps him with it a lot. He has to keep things away from her so she won’t get into them and sometimes it leads to him even forgetting he has it.
  • Robert has a weird rule about smoking in front of the kids. He just won’t.
  • Lucien finds this hilarious and kind of annoying because “I’m your provider!”
  • “Well yeah but you’re still a kid”
  • Daisy learned to read when she was four. Brian found her hoarding t.v. manuals and car magazines and fishing books and..basically if it had letters in it she had it in her room.
  • She at one point made a fort out of them. He still has the pictures.
  • Chris scripts and stims a lot. He usually sings songs he hears on the radio and rocks on his feet. He’ll occasionally repeat lines from his favorite movies.
  • The real reason the twins were quoting The Shining was they grew up around Chris scripting and…also started talking in t.v. quotes ( since to them it just looked like A Thing Chris was doing)
  • The three of them can actually speak to each other in t.v. quotes and understand each other completely. ( everyone else, however, is clueless. No one’s figured out how to get them to stop. Robert also thinks this is hilarious.)
  • No one can figure out if it’s better or worse than Ernest and Carmencita’s  bilingual shtick.
  • Both Hugo and Mat slip into Spanish from time to time.
  • Hugo has family in the Dominican Republic and P.R. but also in New York. ( it’s where his parents emigrated to)
  • Ernest actually really doesn’t like his name.
  • He went up to his dad once with a two-page long list of Hispanic Authors and asked why he couldn’t be named after one of those.
  • Hugo and went on to answer that he had family members named Usnavi and Usmail and Hugo’s middle name was Valentino and “honestly, just count your blessings-no you’re not drinking coffee.”
  • He was secretly really impressed because damn these were good authors and his kid knew about them? Since when? ( why isn’t he getting better grades?)
  • Craig spent a good amount after college just…drifting. He went there because he was told to and didn’t really find his drive for doing something until much later in life.
  • Because of that he kinda gets Robert. He can tell he’s kinda lost too.
  • Lucien used to have a baby cape.
  • He still dresses up in Victorian clothes for his dad’s birthday and special occasions.
  • A lot of conversations about media analysis between Mat and Hugo usually wind up with their kids weighing in.
  • Ernest tends to take Mat’s side just to be contrarian but he’s learned a lot about his dad from listening to his side of the conversations.
  • Mary has a favorite dog at the shelter. It’s this scraggly looking greyhound mix she named Stella.
  • Damian’s the only one who knows, she’s sworn him to secrecy.
  • She’s that volunteer that checks out all adoptees and flirts her way into convinces people to take “risky” cases home.
  • Damian wants to be mad but…well it’s not like it doesn’t work. He hates that they can’t use a kill-free policy, with Mary terrifying everyone they kinda do.
  • Damian Mary and Joseph all go way back. They met a youth service.
  • Mary was notorious for getting into and starting fights back then.  She had opinions on how Christianity saw a lot of things and no actual fucks to give about arguing with teachers and preachers and other students alike.
  • She usually wound up kicked out of Youth Ministry/Religion Class ten minutes in. You could set your time by it.
  • Oh nooo now I get to do whatever the damn hell I want for thirty minutes whatever will I do with myself”
  • If Damian hadn’t been there, no one’s sure how long she-or the church would have lasted.
  • Mary was that Christian girl. The one that rebels hard and parties harder. The church was small, and every knew and talked about what she did and who she did it with and it made her smile.
  • When Damien started transitioning anyone from the Youth Group who so much as looked at him crooked inherently made things physical. ( but damn if Mary didn’t scare everyone just by looking at them. )
  • That’s where Joseph meets her. Joseph, who looked the part of the rebel, with black leather and piercings but whose biggest act of rebellion itself is sneaking rock music past his Very Christian Parents.
  • Mary takes one look at him trying to be “bad” and nearly bursts out laughing all the same feeling fondness for the kid. She figures if she doesn’t keep an eye on this dork, someone’s gonna eat him. 
  • Friendships can come from a lot less.
  • It’s the softness in Joseph that really gets to Mary, the same softness she found in Damian. It’s the fact that he refuses to judge her, it’s the fact that he nearly bursts out laughing at every argument she starts with other people. That’s where the friendship’s really born. That’s when she starts trusting him. By the end of the year, he’s as close to her as Damian. ( and she’s just as willing to tear people apart for him)
  • There’s a lot of conflicts and tears for the three of them on their orientations ( because no, Mary isn’t straight either) and their religion and their faith and those who share it. There were nights spent at couches where Mary couldn’t stand to be with her parents and long silent months were Joseph just went radio silent. ( Damian’s parents were actually hella accepting and the main crashing place but Damian had things to deal with too)
  • It’s what made Joseph want to be a Youth Pastor. He wanted a church that was friendly, he wanted to keep his faith. He wanted to keep other children from not feeling safe in a place where you’re supposed to. He wanted to tell kids that things always get better. He signed up for a degree in Biblical Studies the moment he was able to.
  • They moved to the same neighborhood on purpose, the three of them ( and Lucien eventually) like it always was.
  • Mary started dealing with depression after having Chris.
  • A big contributing factor was that Joseph had the ministry and Damien had Lucien and Mary…Mary didn’t have anything. She had no life outside of being a housewife. Eventually, Chris went to school and she had nothing to do but keep house.
  • It started slow but it grew, she was told having more kids would help ( and when she held the twins, she was happy.) but of course it didn’t make things better.
  • It’s really what killed her relationship with Joseph. It killed her a little each day too. She was told she’d be happy if she married and had kids, she wanted to be happy ( so why wasn’t she?)
  • She started resenting him, resenting her life, feeling trapped in it. This is around the time she befriended Robert.
  • Robert, who also hated himself, and his life, who was also miserable. Robert who she could tell her worst thoughts to ( “sometimes I wish I wasn’t a mom. What kind of parent am I” “Trust me I’ve seen worse”) things she wouldn’t want to tell Joseph, things she couldn’t even tell Damian.
  • Their friendship is based on wasted chances and miserable thoughts and an unabashed acceptance of both.
  • When she found out he slept with Joseph she gave him the silent treatment for a month. ( Damian of all people told him off. Mary’s still his best friend. This isn’t done.)
  • Eventually, Robert wears her down, begs her to get a drink and says he’s miserable and sorry and miserable and the next morning he makes her a hangover remedy at his house and they bury the hatchet.
  • Robert tries to bury an actual hatchet in the backyard, Mary laughs calls him an idiot and “where did you even get a hatchet” “shh don’t worry about it” and that’s when they actually make up.
  • Joseph took up carpentry as a hobby ( he thinks it’s funny how it plays into his name.) he built the kids a treehouse in the backyard and has made them a couple of toys.
  • Mary always loved horses. It’s something she shares with Christie, who she’s indulged in exactly 245 My Little Pony dolls.
  • One of Chris’ special interests is fishing lures ( not even fishing just the different kind of lures you can use) he’ll talk Brian’s ear off about it whenever he can find him.
  • One of Daisy’s special interests is marine animals, she’ll talk Hugo’s ear off whenever she can find him.
  • Ernest is absolutely not jealous about his dad talking to this other kid. Nope.
  • Mat’s coffee shop became The Place Where All The Kids hang out ( a few of them want to work there) and he’s somehow become the person they all talk to if they ever have a problem they can’t talk to their dad about. ( Also Pablo’s there and Pablo’s hot, and the older kids can appreciate that)
  • Unlike Ernest, Carmencita doesn’t mind sharing her dad. She’s actually gotten really good at advice and conflict resolution because of all the problems the others ( including Pablo) ask Mat’s help with.
  • Because all the parents get together so often -apparently- for barbeques and stuff the kids have kind of made up their minds that they’re all their parents. They have a dad for each occasion. If someone picks on you? Go to Brian, he’s the one who will tell you ( and teach you to throw a punch, just ask Daisy)  Homework problem? Go to Hugo. Fashion advice? Go to Damian.
  • There have also been talks had by some of the kids about whose parents could end up with whose. ( except for the Christiansen kids.) 
  • They might or might not be keeping an eye on Dadsona and who xe winds up dating.

I’m finally settled at university. Lessons start next week which means the frequency of my uploads will drop off pretty drastically I’m afraid. Thank you all for reading my stuff this summer. It’s been an absolute pleasure to do it. I’ll endeavor to keep it up as much as possible over the next year. Enjoy, everyone!

Prompt[s]: He was gonna do kiss her omg why didn’t he 😔

Pure magic as usual!

The Tower is my new religion honestly, ITS SO GOOD AHHHHH

‘The Tower’ (Part 19)

All Chapters // Part 18

Brynjolf looked up when the bedroom door opened and broke into a toothy grin. You were stood in fresh clean clothes, leaning heavily on the door frame for support. Loki was about a foot behind you, frowning at the raucous dwarf from afar.
“Hey, lady!” He roared with a skin-cracking smile. “Look who’s up and at ‘em.” You waved triumphantly and then stumbled, Loki catching you just in time and helping you to stand upright. Sliding your arm around his shoulders, he helped you hobble into the room. Very different from the last time you couldn’t walk, you noted to yourself…

“I… I don’t believe we’ve met,” you said as you were lowered into the window seat on the other side of the firepit. A dead pig was spitting and crackling over the flames. The smell was indescribable. Your stomach growled again.
“Oh, I do be beggin’ your pardon, lady. I’m Brynjolf.”

You spied the crossbow on his shoulder and briefly remembered the way the bodies of the men had slumped with ease.
“You… You saved my life, didn’t you? You’re the reason I made it home.”

Brynjolf skipped with glee and then bowed theatrically. “At the risk of soundin’ big-headed: you’re god damn right that was me! Shot the bastards right between the eyes, bang, bang, bang!” He threw his head back and laughed, clutching his belly as he did so. The joy of this man was infectious and you found yourself smiling too. Loki’s expression suggested he wasn’t as inclined to agree.

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  • Baby: J-J-J
  • Mom: Come on you can do it. Juice?
  • Baby: Ja- Ja-Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's 🎶beautiful🎶. In the year negative a billion Japan might not have been here. In the year negative fourty thousand it was here and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some ice burgs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of trees! because it's warmer. So now there's people on the island, they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like stones and bowls. Ding dong, it's the outside world and they have technology from the future (bronze age) like really good metal and c r a z y r i c e f a r m s. Now you can make A LOT of rice like really really quickly. That means if you own the farm you own a lot of food which is something everybody needs to SURVIVE. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land. All the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here(hi), here(chikushi), here(izumo), here(kibi), here(yamato), here(koshi), and here(kenu). But this one (yamato) was the most most important, ruled by a "heavenly superperson" called (emperor) for short. Knock knock. Get the door, it's RELIGION. The new prince (prince shotoku) wants everyone to try this hot new religion (buddhism) from Baekj. "Please try this religion." He said. "No." Said everybody. "Try iiiittt" He said. "No." Said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. Then the government was taken over by a new clique and they made some reforms (Taika Reforms) like -making the government govern more and -making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China." They said. "Hi dipshit." (hi "wa"(dwarf)) Said China. "Can you call us something else, other than dipshit?" Said Japan. "Like what?" Said China. "🎶How about sunrise land?🎶" (nihon) (Japan) and so they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book about themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for awhile. Right here (kyoto). And they conquered the north finally. Get that squared away. A rich hipster named kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits china, and learns a better version (zen buddhism) which is more 🎶spiritual🎶. He goes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be 🎶great🎶 for a long time and the rural palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? 🎶Hire a samurai🎶. Everyone started hiring samurai. Correction - rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organised and powerful. More powerful than the government. So they made their own military government here. They let the emperor still be "emperor" but the shogun is actually in control. BREAKING NEWS the Mongols have invaded China. "We've invaded China" said the Mongols, "Please respect us or else we might invade you as well." "Okay" said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war. Then died in a tornado. But they tried again and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then died in a tornado. Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back then moves to kyoto and makes a new shogunate (ashikaga shogunate). The "emperor" can still dress like an emperor if he wants that's fine. 🎶Now there's more art🎶. Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for "who's going to be the next shogun?" Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun, he says "✔ok." But then the shogun has a kid, so now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones, and everyone voted so hard (onin war) that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces (sengoku jidai). Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and it's anybody's game. Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over (yet). They just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks and guns and 🎶jesus🎶. So that's cool, but everyone's still fighting each other for control. Now with guns!! and wouldn't it be nice to control the capital (kyoto)? Which right now is puppets with no one controlling them. This clan (imagawa) is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan (oda) which is in the way. Surprise! the smaller clan wins and the leader of that clan (oda nobunaga) steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital. And it goes very well 👍. He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, then someone else who works for him kills them. And that guy (toyotomi hideyoshi) finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords. And made some rules (no having a sword (or a gun) no climbing the social ladder pay taxes). "and now I'm going to invade korea and then hopefully china" he said and failed, and also died. But before he died he told these five guys (council of 5 elders) (ukita hideie, uesugi kagekatsu, mori terumoto, tokugawa ieyasu, maeda toshiie) to take care of his five-year-old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said, "Yeah, right. It's not gonna be this kid. It's gonna be one of us. Cuz we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy (tokugawa ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight and he wins. And starts a new government right here, 🎶Edo🎶 and he still lets the "emperor" dress like an emperor and have very nice things, but don't get confused, this is the new government (tokugawa family) and they're very strict. So strict they closed the country. (sakoku 鎖国 closed country) No one can leave and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch if they wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (dejima). Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot, business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and dutch studies. People started to study european science from books they bought from the dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down. Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "Open the country. Stop having it be closed." Said the United States. There's really nothing they can do so they signed a contract that lets the united states, britain, and russia visit japan any time they want. choshu and satsuma hated this 👎. "That sucks." They said. "This sucks!!!" and with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate (boshin war) and somehow made the emperor (emperor meiji) emperor again and moved him to Eto which they renamed "Eastern Capital". They made a new government, which was "a lot more western" (-new york times review). They made a new constitution (meiji constitution) that was pretty western. And a military that was pretty western (large). And do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea. So they conquered Korea. Taking it from its previous owner, china, and then got a little further and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "stop, no, you can't take that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." and Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. And then when the railroad was done they downgraded to A FUCK TON. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says "can you maybe chill?" and then Russia says "How About Maybe You Chill?" Japan is kinda scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kinda scared of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance so they can be "a little less scared of Russia". Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia (russo-japanese war) just for a moment and then they both get tired and stop. 🎶it's time for World War 1🎶 The World is about to Have A War. Cuz it's the 1900s and weapons are getting crazy and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants MORE. the next thing on their list is this part of China (qingdao) and lots of tiny islands (palau, marianas, carolines, marshall islands). But all that stuff belongs to Germany, who just had war declared on them from Britain because Britain was friends with Belgium which was being trespassed by Germany so they could get to France to kick France's ass because France is friends with Russia who is getting ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria was just about to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Or... actually they shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh. 🎶japan should take the islands🎶 which they wanted to do anyway. So they called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know (can we take the islands thanks). Then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. Now the war is over and congratulations Japan! you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table (paris peace conference) with the big dudes where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance 🎶the League of Nations🎶 whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The great depression is bad and Japan's economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine and it invades manchuria. And the League of Nations is like, "no, don't do that, if you're in the league of nations you're not supposed to take over the world!" and Japan said 🎶"how bout i do anyway?"🎶 and Japan invaded more and more and more and more of China. and was planning to invade the entire East. You've got mail! It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache and he's trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. 🎶it's time for World War 2! (the sequel)🎶 Germany is invading the neighbors then they invade the neighbor's neighbors then the neighbor's neighbor's neighbors who happen to be Britain said 🎶"holy shit"🎶 and the United States started helping Britain because they're 🎶good friends🎶 and they started not helping Japan because 🎶"their friends and our friends are not friends" "plus they're planning on invading the entire ocean"🎶 the United States is also working on a large very huge bomb (atom bomb). "bigger than any other bomb, ever™" just in case. But they still haven't joined the war. War looks bad on TV and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii (pearl harbor) and then challenges them to war. They say yes. And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship ❤, declares war on the United States also. So the United States goes to war in Europe. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet, and they're curious to see if it works. So they drop it on Japan (hiroshima). They actually dropped two (nagasaki). The United States installed a new government inspired by the United States government. With just the right ingredients for a 🎶post-war economic miracle🎶 and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can and also better than everybody else. They get rich. And the economy goes wild. And then the miracle wears off. But everything is still pretty cool I guess. 🎶Bye🎶
  • Gryffindor: I'm sorry, I'm not clear on what religion you're all practicing.
  • Ravenclaw: it's a new faith, but we don't have a name yet. Christians were new ones, too
  • Gryffindor: and after hundreds of years of private worship, several great schisms, a thousands people martyring themselves it became a focused believe system.
  • Gryffindor: with a name...
3

By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.
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Remember, O Lord, the children of Edom in the day of Jerusalem; who Said, Raze it, raze it, even to the foundation thereof.
O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

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THERE’S LIKE 15 PARTS WHY WASNT I TOLD ABOUT THIS. ITS AMAZING