Mean Astrology: The Mercury Signs
Aries: You think brashly and are quick to judge but shockingly indifferent about all the shit other people have to deal with. You have a childish outlook on things and don’t accept realities around you because you’d rather do whatever you want. You have such destructive tendencies and evvverreyyything is a fight for you. So like, calm down and think it through before you do something, you’re actually pretty smart, but you have like zero common sense.
Taurus Mercury: We get it, you have a lot of opinions and think you’re always right but honestly half the time you’re talking about something literally everyone else has moved on. You’re really not as innovative and edgy as you think, most of your ideas are tired and have already been said by someone else. You’re not the “hot shit” you think you are, no one is copying you or trying to be you. People have similarities to you. Move on from thinking you’re always right and open your mind a little. Christ.
Gemini: You may not advertise it but you write people off if they’re not “good enough” for you. Sure, you’ll keep them around for a while because you like conversations and debates and hearing other sides of things. But you’re just using people as living white noise all while pitying or looking down on them. Also, for saying a lot; you say a whole lot of nothing. Is it like… impossible for you to actually connect with people???? For a person who gets so bored so easily and writes people off for being boring, you’re actually pretty annoying and boring yourself. You’re not the master of everything. Actually? You’re surprisingly one note.
Cancer: Surprising you have some notable people with this mercury sign considering cancer mercuries are literally walking puppets. You are so… easily manipulated! The only time you ever do anything well is when it’s out of spite, you bitter little shits. And everything you do is like.. half-assed or so spread thin it’s not really that impressive (unless, you guessed it, you’re doing it because you’re bitter). You only do projects, learn things, do work if you want to and “feel” like it. But somehow you’re never held accountable? You just blame it on everyone else and act offended and don’t shut up about it for eight years. Just do what you have to do and stop being nasty, ill-meaning hypocrites and for fucks sake. Works not supposed to be fun!
Leo: Hello lying politician? Leo mercury wants its life story back. Yeah you’re funny, you’re cool and have great, well-meaning ideas! But you’re full of shit. You’re fake as fake can be, you really don’t care about the crap you “fight for” it’s allll about how it looks. How it reflects back on you. Like your life’s mission is to brainwash everyone into loving you and your ideas. How you “make real change” but really it’s only for your image or your own little agenda. Just don’t be a lying piece of shit, let yourself be selfless. That’s the only time you’re capable of any actual change.
Virgo: You may come across as having a “bland” or “generic” personality. Yes you too Jennifer Lawrence. However since you’re a sign with a strong duality next to pisces and Gemini, you are also prone to doing outlandish and extremely stupid/dangerous things just to shut off your mind sometimes. What! Are! You! So! Afraid! Of! You don’t have to be in the middle or completely off the map, there’s an in between dummy. You also like to play people and may be secretly self-absorbed/self-serving even though you tirelessly and shamefully work so hard to create a caring and selfless image. It makes sense to you to either serve your own needs primarily or just destroy yourself really fast. You are iconic if you just find a balance. Stop fucking fighting it and using people in the process.
Libra: You guys think you’re soooo unfortunate and make sure to complain about every little wrongdoing done to you or you use it as a source of pride in how you courageously overcame it. Like we get it Portia, your best friend in sixth grade dumped you for a different best friend and you handled it so well, but you need to shut up about it. You’re usually pretty damn lucky people, so you throw a tantrum when things don’t go your way. The worst part about you is you never really say what you think or share your agenda, you just manipulate people instead and hide ANYTHING you did wrong and feign surprise when people find shit on you or you just ignore it and do nothing. It’s shitty, just say what you goddamn mean for once.
Scorpio: Do you genuinely think you are always right??? You never check yourself you always invent ways to justify yourself and explain why what you did wasn’t wrong, but are VERY quick to check others. It’s like your own bad choices have zero effect on you. You can be passive aggressive if you think someone is wrong instead of outright saying it, like saying it will give someone leverage over you. You’re extremely paranoid but you are shockingly clever about hiding it, however that means it’s not other peoples’ fault they didn’t know what was wrong. Your standards for other people are too high and you should maybe try checking yourself against those standards.
Sagittarius: You’re generally pretty open-minded and free-thinking but you need to STOP YOURSELF. You go too far when you think you’re right, and it always ends up making you look stupid. You speak your mind and aren’t afraid to do so but… you get too caught up in the moment and do really stupid shit no matter how smart you are. Often, people will just assume you’re dumb, the fact that you’re smart is always a surprise. It probably has to do with going too far too fast without really explaining your thinking, you just say your opinion and do whatever you want. Sometimes it’s good you go against the grain! You can make some incredible discoveries or do something amazing! But be careful, you are a bit much for the world. Often not in a good way if you don’t control yourself.
Capricorn: You are a smug little bastard who, in mercury, has more of an ego than a Leo. You are so absorbed in your own problems in your own little world and if your world isn’t MEGA important (I’m talking world leader) you have no business playing god. Sometimes you’re honestly only described as embarrassing, you think every move you make is big and important, but if it’s all about you it’s often just petty or mean. The world isn’t a game of chess, it’s real and everyone, not just you, experienced consequences. Stop taking that lightly.
Aquarius: You’re forward-thinking and a leader, but you can be brash and unthinking. You inspire arguments and can play devil’s advocate too much; you may even inspire violence against you. You often need to be distracted in order to focus on something and it comes across like you don’t care. You also tend to take radical stances on things and may not research those stances as thoroughly as you need to and make an ass out of yourself. You are IMPOSSIBLE to understand and sometimes you like it that way but it’s stupid and gets you nowhere, you’re not a genius if people get nothing out of your hard work. So pay attention to people and stop trying to be the best or create something new, and if you do don’t make it too hard to understand; you’ll sound insane. And don’t be an asshole, research things before you run with them. Also? Try not to get murdered for something you said, even if the other person was wildly in the wrong; it’s no fun to die.
Pisces: Do you… have your own thoughts?? You’re just a big conglomerate of whatever it is you’ve heard from other people. The most fucking frustrating part is that you’re soooo good at passing everything off as your own! I honestly don’t even know if you realize you haven’t got a lot of your own thoughts and opinions, it’s all a bunch of other peoples’ crap that went through your little washing machine mind. Also… you have the stupidest most dangerous ideas… no; you should not actually cook things on the sidewalk or your space heater. It’s dumb not creative, and one of those things could literally electrocute you. You should not ever get swept up in your ideas because you’ll die.