Things I have learned from Fifty Shades Darker (part 11/11)
1. Intense prayer circle because I’m hoping this is the last post for this book.
2. I can’t believe I’ve managed to stick this out. I thought the first book was bad. But this… this is in a league of its own. There’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then this book.
3. It’s really really so so so bad. It’s downright nasty.
4. Angels will descend upon me when this is over. Now…where was I…
5. Ah, the happy couple is now engaged. I am so shocked and surprised at this unforeseen turn of events.
6. I need to remind you guys, again, that these people have known each other for about a month. I’ve had a more serious and long standing relationship with my favourite sandwich. I’ve definitely had a more meaningful relationship with chocolate.
7. Ana: “My future husband wants to play.” – sadly, it’s not video games he wants to play and that’s a damn shame. Because the couple that plays together, stays together.
8. The water in the shower is fucking cold, how are you guys not fucking freezing right now.
9. One day, in the far distant future, I will come back to these books and count the number of times her inner goddess has made an appearance. Maybe this will convince people that any book with such a „character” is a waste of time and brain cells.
10. Apparently, they can stop having sex with a condom for a reason I can’t remember for the life of me (I don’t really care anyway), but do you know what this means? Ana will get pregnant. Why do I say this? Because there’s a third book and a kid is the only drama-worthy (in the hands of a decent author, but I’m trying not to be picky) thing left to throw in.
11. Ana: “will I always have this leveled at me? That I’m marrying Christian for his money?” – yes, because people are judgmental pieces of crap. Welcome to the real world, Ana, we hope you enjoy your stay.
12. Christian: “I don’t want to fight,” – after the damned inner goddess, this is probably one of the most reiterated sentences in these gods forsaken books. I *told* you, these people either have sex or argue. There is no in between.
13. “My subconscious snorts with derisory laughter. I ignore her.” – Ana, voices and/or sounds in your head are not a sign of sanity, just fyi.
14. For his birthday, Ana gives him… her. In the Play Room. With nipple clamps and other…delectables. Um. Send help.
15. Help for me, not Ana, I don’t give two shits about her. Help consists of several alcoholic beverages and very hefty supplies of chocolate. And if you can get your hands on one of those memory erasers that the Men in Black had in the movie, so I can wipe out the next chapter from my memory, that’d be peachy. Okay, I’m going in.
16. Ana: “I want to be in here, too.” (here being the Play Room) – uh huh, keep telling yourself that, Ana. Maybe you’ll end up believing it. Because your experiences with these things have all been pleasant and not at all traumatizing. Sure. Mhm.
17. Oh look, she’s aroused. Of course. Because this woman loves absolutely all that he does to her, even though he has hurt her in the past, in this very room. Shall we revisit that experience? We shall.
18. “He hits me again, and the pain pulses and echoes along the line of the belt. […]I desperately scrabble around my psyche looking for some internal strength. […] I yell as the belt bites me again, and now the tears are streaming down my face. […]My voice is more a choked, strangled sob, and in this moment, I think I hate him. […]“Let go… no… ” And I find myself struggling out his grasp, pushing him away. Fighting him.”
19. In all fairness, he’s not doing that to her now, but honestly, you want to tell me that being in the same place, with the same person, as that scenario above, mere weeks after it happened, now makes you wet instead of uncomfortable and frightened? No. Fuck you, E.L.James.
20. Butt plugs are okay, but the thought of a finger “there” gives her pause. I cannot with this girl.
21. Holy honey badger.
22. I don’t even know what the fuck I read. Don’t ask me.
23. “You are the most compassionate man I’ve met.“ – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA What the fuck HAHAHAHAHA no
24. I have 30 pages left and they feel like 300. *deep breath* Lord give me patience
25. Bla bla bla, telling people she’s engaged, bla bla bla
26. I also need to make a list of all the pretentious words she used. You know, you have oh jeez, oh my, holy cow on one hand and maudlin on the other.
27. Kate – you know, Ana’s best friend who hasn’t been around at all in the last 300 pages, has found an old email from Ana to Christian, in which she discusses the famed contract with him. And she flips out, asking Ana if she’s okay, hurt and all that. You know, she does what a sane person would do. I’ve missed Kate, she’s the voice of reason in this crapfest of a trilogy.
28. SIXTEEN FUCKING DAYS. + MAYBE A WEEK OR TWO = 4 WEEKS GIVE OR TAKE. THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 4 WEEKS. WHAT EVEN IS THIS.
29. Elena hasn’t taken the news of the engagement very well. Now she’s cornered Ana and it’s all thinly-veiled threats and drama.
30. ANA THREW HER DRINK IN ELENA’S FACE. *NOW* it’s a proper soap opera.
31. *chews popcorn*
32. AND NOW ELENA GOT SLAPPED BY CHRISTIAN’S MOM. I’m sorry, NOW it’s a proper soap opera.
33. “Take your filthy paws off my son, you whore, and get out of my house—now!” – I have tears of laughter in my eyes
34. I know this is supposed to be heavy and full of drama, but I honestly cannot stop laughing.
35. And now he properly proposed to her, with a ring and everything. I was not moved the slightest. *shrugs*
36. Ominous epilogue of Jack the boss vowing revenge for the beating he took for hitting on Ana. Oh, and he was the one who tampered with the helicopter.
37. BUT I DON’T CARE. WHY? YOU ASK. BECAUSE I’M FUCKING FINISHED.
38. I DID IT. *stares in wonder* I fucking did it. *chokes on tears*
39. I know you’re expecting me to say that I won’t touch the 3rd book, but, let’s face it and be realistic, knowing my inclinations to hate myself and my selfless nature, I’ll probably read it. Just not for a very very long time.
40. Chocolate awaits me.
41. Mary out.