its difficult to stand on two feet

Bronze Baby Sculpture

[This project is from The Big-Ass Book of Crafts by Mark Montano.]

What you need to make this thing:

  • cheap all-plastic baby doll (no hair)
  • round metal lid
  • Household Goop glue
  • craft stick or something else to spread glue (not mentioned in book)
  • something to prop everything up with if the baby is unbalanced (NMIB)
  • Elmer’s glue
  • brown, silver and gold spray paint (I didn’t have brown so I used black)
  • spray bottle filled with water
  • newspaper (NMIB but essential to keep spray paint off everything)

First you gotta undress the baby, and please know I feel really weird typing that. Then you have to use the Goop glue to fasten the doll’s feet to the lid. This was fairly difficult because baby dolls are generally not meant to stand up on thier own. And this glue takes two fucking hours to cure. I did not really fancy holding the doll upright for two hours, so I found a handy way to prop it in an upright position so I could get on with my life:

That did the trick, and after a few hours the baby was standing up on its own.

The next step is to “Drip Elmer’s glue onto the doll and smear it around so the doll looks like it’s sculpted.”

Not sure how to make it look “sculpted,” I duly got to dripping and smearing–and quickly realized that there is NO real explanation should someone walk in on you giving a baby doll a glue rubdown. This book was written by a man who lives alone. And who possibly wants someone to get reported as a sex offender.

Who REALLY likes babies.

The worst part was that after the glue took a day to dry it didn’t really make the doll look any different and I had to add more glue. This time I did less smearing, though. The end result was fairly disturbing, but probably not “sculpted.”

Once the glue has dried, take the doll and the spray paints and the spray bottle full of water outside and lay down newspaper all over the surface you are going to put the doll on while you paint. The base coat is supposed to be brown, but I didn’t have brown paint, so I used black. This probably affected the final outcome of the project, but who gives a shit.

Spray the paint all over the glued baby and base. This was kind of tough because the doll has so many.. nooks and crannies. Spraying it standing up left spots like this all over:

Once the base coat dries, you spray the thing with water and then silver paint. This is a neat effect, and would probably be cooler if I had a real spray bottle instead of the tiny little thing I’d been using for ink.

Maybe I should have saved this project for Halloween.

Wait for the silver paint to dry then spray the doll with water again and hit it with the gold paint. Somehow this is supposed to make the thing look bronze. I’m pretty sure they actually sell bronze spray paint though, so I’m sticking with the “trying to get you to grope a baby doll” theory.

It takes a fucking long time for spray paint with water under it to dry.

It doesn’t look bronze, but I think it wants my brain.

time: about 3 days
cost: around $23 US, more if you need to buy the Goop glue
injuries: nausea, self-disgust and some fear

You can buy Hell Baby here.