its a really old photo too

SO PEN PALS ARE A THING

Good morn, evening, night?? to whoevers reading this probably no one thats awesome :’) 

So CALL ME OLD FASHIONED but instead of just having internet friends I think it would be really cool to have an actual pen pal on the other side of the world (or in the same country man i dont even care) 

Ill tell you about myself so you can see how boring i am and youll feel sorry for me and write letters to my sorry ass (:D) 

My name’s Ash and I’m 18 years old. Im from Melbourne in Australia (nothing happens here) (like at all im always fucking bored) 

I’m a university student and Im studying film and photography. Like I said before, Melbourne really isnt cool but I can promise that I will take, print out and send you really cool photos of our cityscape bc its naice. 

I enjoy procrastinating and wasting all of my time watching films and reading waaayyyy too many books, so if you like films and books then we can talk about them all the time yay for that 

I also love music, all kinds really

Id really love to get to know someone in a different country than me. Im looking for someone between the ages of 17-24. Or anything really I dont care. 

Please message me if youre interested :) or just like this post and ill message you :)) 

My handwriting is also shocking so theres that. pls forgive. 


I will send you keyrings of koalas and kangaroos. 

10

Heyyy so I’ve received a few asks about my circlet that I was wearing at the renn fes I went to this past weekend, so here are some photos!

The silver wire + red accents circlet - I actually made this one for my high school senior prom haha ^ ^; It’s therefore really old and a bit janky but I still like it for what it is ^ ^;

The natural looking circlet - Made for last year’s renn fes. This type of wire is a lot easier to work with and has its own appeal that I like ^ ^

So uh yup, I sometimes do 3D art too! Wire jewelry has always been a hobby of mine, albeit one that’s been very neglected recently ^ ^;

Dating Ethan Dolan Part 2

it was requested for me to do this again soo oooosososoos here we go. btw everything about ethan is so unhuman to me? like if i ever saw him in real life i think i would just stare because wooooow.

also these are based off of what i think ethan would be like okay? okay. awesome here we go.


  • this dude is so family orientated it crazy
  • so if any one of the family doesn’t like u then cue n sync
  • he’s the type of bf to get hella jealous over nothing
  • i feel like he would also b kind of possessive tbh
  • like if you were wearing a revealing shirt he would make sure the leave a hickey in a place where anyone could see it even though you would yell at him for giving you one later
  • or be attached to your hip when other guys are eyeing you
  • but he wouldn’t restrict your rights as a human being ya know? bc i would leave anyyyone whoever did that to me, no matter who they were and i encourage all of you young beautiful men and woman to do the same
  • grayson would love to embarrass ethan
  • old school photos
  • wresting photos
  • fetus halloween photos
  • and sometimes will embarrass cam too hhahaa
  • she likes having you around because then she’s not the only girl
  • ethan punches the wall. a lot. when he’s angry
  • if its a fight between you two, some jerk at the grocery store that really pissed him off, his own thoughts, or people online
  • you will find yourself moving things in front of the new gash in the wall
  • its hard to get mad at him when he does this bc he sucks at explaining anything and a lot of the times its the situations that he has no control over
  • he knows how to give you space believe me
  • but omg he is always touching, thinking, or talking to you if hes not mad at you
  • HE WILL GIVE YOU HIS CLOTHES BC HES THAT PROTECTIVE
  • you want to wear a tank top and some leggings to feel relaxed???
  • “here take this you’ll be cold.”
  • “e, its 80 degrees ou-“
  • “just fucking take it (y/n)”
  • sweatpants, t shirts, the nice blue along sleeve one that he wore in ‘grayson dares ethan’, and sooooo much more
  • he doesn’t smile in the photos that u take together. he just- yeah.
  • he would never want to make you feel inferior
  • ETHAN IS ALL FOR GIRL POWER YALL I SUPPORT A TRUE MAN
  • going to the gym w him
  • ooooh lord
  • sitting on his back as he does pushups
  • leaning over his knees as he does sit ups and being a tease
  • speaking of teasing, he’s the actual king of teasing you
  • leaves you wanting more
  • ya knoooow
  • he actually laughs and finds joy in the way that you whine when he leaves you after he’s teased you
  • he’s also a bed hog
  • he’ll sleep on you sometimes
  • pizza and yogurt all. the. time.
  • (Y/N) GET ME A FRICKEN TISH!”
  • you sometimes have to scold him for having such a potty mouth my god ethan
  • i feel like he would only have two or three pet names for you; baby & the first letter of your name
  • i also think that he would get a tattoo that would remind him of u (this is dumb, don’t do this. but ethan i think defiantly would after like a year of dating bc hes a little stupid tbhgeuryifbhdjkn)
  • hearing him say i love you when he’s hurting or once a week. there is no in between.
  • he’s a big cuddler too when no one is looking
  • and he’s such a sassafras
  • good lord
  • you keep him on his toes tho, between witty remarks and roasts to surprise adventures at 1 am

Originally posted by ethandolandaily

Chapter 97 Thoughts

Isayama sure did manage to pack a lot of good stuff into 45 pages. It’s a welcoming balance of insightful character exploration and intriguing new plot points that set the stage for what’s sure to be a fateful event. Chapter 100 is in the near future. Big important number. I’m betting on it being a memorable one at the rate things are going.

Also, I never realized I needed Kenny Ackerman and Annie interacting until now. That was such a treat to see.

Meanwhile, Falco continues to establish himself as an incredibly loveable character. This makes me fear for his future.

He, Eren, and Reiner form a fascinating bundle of character parallels. They all fear or have feared failing as warriors/soldiers, believing they may die without accomplishing anything. Two out of three of those people have had their beliefs harshly challenged to a point that they were shaken to the core, and the resulting fallout is no pleasant experience to witness.

Keep reading

taken from Amanda Grayson’s personal photo archives

in tos i-chaya was already quite old when spock was a boy but really i just wanted to see baby spock with baby i-chaya that’s all 

No Control | Chapter Thirteen

Summary: 

Micky Bennett: college student, loyal friend, aspiring nurse, One Direction fan, Harry Styles enthusiast. Her best friend, Trevor, wins tickets to a show in New Jersey with meet and greet passes. Micky expects a quick photo op with the boys and a great night at the concert with her best friend. What she gets a whole lot more than she bargained for.

To read previous chapters, you can go here.

*Please feel free to reblog and send feedback. It’s much appreciated :)*

*Gif is not mine.*

WARNING: Smut ahead. Daddy kink.

THIRTEEN

Harry and I talk about little snippets of our lives as we sip at our teas. He tells me about going through his parents’ divorce when he was younger, so I tell him about my mum being sick when I was just going into secondary. He tells me about the nerves he felt auditioning for X Factor and how surreal it was when they started experiencing fame, and I get him to laugh when I tell him about the complete nutter I was for One Direction when I was younger. We get stuck on that topic for a while, Harry very much finding enjoyment in my embarrassment for my teenage self. 

“Georgie and I were completely obsessed. I mean, we were obviously about the same age as you guys, so that was exciting for us, but it was ridiculous. You should’ve seen my room for a few years. We nabbed up every magazine you guys were in so we could have those posters they included. I don’t think I could see an inch of my walls at one point. It was awful,” I groaned. Harry laughs as I hide my face in my hands, a little flustered that I’m even admitting this to him now. 

“What’s it like, now?” he asks through some chuckles. He pries my hands away from my face so I can answer him.

“Pretty normal,” I admit. “There’s a few posters of bands and such, but its mostly photos of friends and family now.”

“Aw, I’m not on your wall anymore?” he pouts.

“Harry, your face was plastered on my ceiling right above my bed at one point. You had your time to shine, mister.”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

not only is it weird that she would bring her 14yo boyfriend's ("boyrfriend") brother to meet fans but it's also super weird that she would have him pose on the photos. she's met fans thousands of times when she was with people (karlie, friends, her parents) and they ALWAYS stayed behind the camera. this was so obviously done on purpose, it goes against her natural normal behavior and even the hets are like wtf

Of course she did it on purpose, she used that kid as an accessory for her bearding & for the future stunts…but that kid was probably really happy to do it, so no harm….

To be fair, the fan she’s met is like 14 years old too ? so….it doesn’t shock me, the boy’s cute, he looks like Joe…

2

Plant update!

I left my roommate in charge of watering my plants while I was in NY and she killed my mint.

She felt bad so she bought me a new one (on the right in the first photo). But when she and my other roomie/her husband were discarding of the old plant they realized the roots were still good so they replanted it. Lo and behold its back to life! (on the left) so now I have two mint plants :D

Rosemary is really dry for some reason, I think the sun got to it and I brought it inside too late. But the lavender is doing great!

On the far right of the last photo is a new addition, a curry plant my roommate bought me because she felt bad for killing (and resurrecting) my mint. 

These are all in my bedroom by the way, and their presence makes life better <3

In Too Deep

Dean x Female Reader

Summary: It seemed like a normal hunt.

A/N: I wrote this for @impala-dreamer‘s One Prompt For All Challenge! I hope you love to cry!!!!!!! Feedback would be appreciated. And I implore you, heed the warnings.

Warnings: Canon-typical violence, suicide, graphic depictions of bodily injury

Word count: ~2.1k

Why did it have to be the heart? Werewolves, skinwalkers… Both species went for the hearts of their victims. These are the thoughts passing through Dean’s mind as he examined the gory corpse laying in the street. It’s chest is torn wide open, ribs poking out all different directions. Not only is the heart missing, but chunks of the thighs and biceps as well. Dean feels nauseous looking at it. Sam raises a quizzical eyebrow at him as he stands. “Could be a skinwalker, could be a werewolf,” Dean murmured under his breath while looking at his watch.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Sam says. “This is the fourth victim, Dean. We gotta find this thing.”

Keep reading

2

Seriously though, I just read a bunch of revolution!AU writing prompts and all I can think of is KagaAo (which is what I think of like 90% of time).

Please, imagine a society where humans are the superior race, steadily stripping the other race (kiseki) of their basic rights. Kagami Taiga has just started his career as the defense attorney’s assistant and his life is pretty monotone, at least until the police manages to break up the infamous Teiko activist group and arrest majority of its members. The trial is more or less a made up nonsense, labeling all members of Teiko as domestic terrorists. The judge sentences the group’s leader Shirogane along with the one hundred and sixty eight convicted members to death. Kagami’s stomach actually turns and he’s forced to leave the building.

He’s gaping for air and trying to calm down his raging nerves when he notices a kid sitting on a motorbike, fiddling with a cell phone. The kid also notices him, it shouts at Kagami and demands to know whether “the circus’s over or nah?” That’s the moment he realizes he knows the kid, he’s seen its photo in Shirogane’s folder. The grandson. Police is looking for this kid everywhere and here it is, practically begging to be arrested. Would they execute it too? Taiga isn’t sure. He tells the kid to get lost, but it doesn’t want to move an inch, only babbles something about waiting for his old man. Taiga tries to shoo it away, he really does, but it all turns into a huge argument and a police officer notices them. As soon as the kid sees the policeman, it kick-starts the motorbike and disappears.

Hell breaks loose after Teiko’s execution. Japan is overtaken by a civil war. Taiga spends another three years in the deffense attorney’s team, but every trial against a kiseki ends up either in prison or execution and he slowly loses all hope in the fairness of their justice system. Now he’s sure they would have executed the kid if they had a chance. Actually, Taiga often wonders what happened to the kid, is it even alive?

It’s the beginning of May and a wave of demonstrations sweep through Tokyo. The one held in the memory of the Teiko trials turns the city into a war zone. Taiga is just on his way home from the office and he would do whatever to avoid the raging crowds, but it can’t be helped. “Dodge, idiot!” Roars someone and Taiga doesn’t really know why, but he dodges. A bottle misses his head only by few inches, but he hardly notices it since he finds himself staring into an angry pair of familiar blue eyes.

So, basically something forces Aomine to take his gas mask off and Kagami recognizes the Teiko kid. The problem is, the Teiko kid - who’s now as tall as Kagami even though he can’t be older than sixteen, for fuck’s sake! - recognizes him too. They end up yelling at each other, then running from police and eventually hiding a Kagami’s. The rest of the story would be about the duo living through the political changes, the riots and so on while falling for each other, fluff and smut ensues.

So, it’s decided. I’m writting this AU.

.

just gonna delete that last reply since the misunderstanding was cleared up. cheers.

i’ll reiterate here too in its own post: tracing isnt bad. sometimes when i really struggle with something i pull out the old cellphone camera and take a photo of myself, and while these days i just eyeball it, a few years ago i’d definitely import the picture and trace it. it helped me learn and i don’t need to do that anymore.

selling traced work is bad. there’s a grey area for stock photos that give permission to use them in paid work, making that particular behavior tacky at worst, but it’s still disingenuous and if you do post traced practice work, you should credit the original– especially if it’s another artist and not just a stock image.

otherwise it’s just deception. 

Road Trip Day One

So, I just want to start out by saying THANK YOU Starbucks.  Thank you for having genderless bathrooms.  We are making a trek across half of the country, part of which runs through the bible belt.  I wasn’t feeling particularly comfortable with choice A or B.  And then magic happened!  A Starbucks sign!

After this pit stop in Emporia, Kansas we continued on our way but stopped short when we saw this piece of old roadside advertising.  

So, it can’t be that old, but at its oldest it would have been painted in 1985.  You know, back when Coca-Cola blundered with New Coke.  I didn’t realized that they dropped the ‘Classic’ moniker in 2009 until I looked it up.  

We traveled on through the Flint Hills.  Kansas isn’t all flat, as is it’s reputation.  The landscape in the middle of the state is really quite interesting.  Its filled with rolling hills and strange plateaus.  I didn’t get to take too many photos though because soon we were driving through wind gusts and heavy rain.

Tomorrow we start our second leg into Colorado towards Santa Fe, New Mexico! 

<3 Vivian

anonymous asked:

Why don't Zane and Madison take many photos together?

Your guess is as good as mine anon. 

It could be PR reasons for the show or it could be personal reasons. It could also be a Canadian thing lol. Zane strikes me as a very down to earth reserved individual. I know he’s crazy about all his Dusk castmates [just as they are about him]; Zane is the closest with DJ Cotrona for obvious reasons. Keep in mind too that Zane is married in real life [yes ladies he’s unavailable unfortunately lol] with a 10 year old daughter and maybe he doesn’t want fans to get any ideas you know?

I have no idea what his off-screen relationship with Madison is like but its pretty  apparent how much they really adore one another as well. They retweet and tweet each other on twitter all the time, comment on one another’s photos on Instagram, and Madison has been making it pretty obvious how much she loves the Richiekate dynamic on FDTD. She’s talked a bit about why she’s likes Kichie a few times now. Still nothing on Zane’s end though lol.

It would be nice if we at least got more insight to what Zane and Madison think of each other professionally, like I really want to know how much they enjoy working together because the chemistry in their scenes on Dusk is so electrifying! I’m sure as the show goes on we might get little surprises here and there. Like you anon I’m very curious as about them. 

But hey you want Zane and Madison pictures? Here ya go:

Here’s one Madie took of Zane sleeping onset last year lol:

They also did these shots together I think Brandon took them lol:

We got these hilariously adorable gems from the Dusk 3 wrap party:

But this recent picture of Zane and Madison with the Dusk cast has got to be my favorite by far: 

So as you can see anon they adore one another it couldn’t be more obvious!

I had saved this photo, which my mother texted to me from France the day before yesterday or so, because I wanted to post an illustration of how goddamn adorable my parents are, but @dolly-bassett just posted about visiting this site and I suppose it does warrant a much more serious caption.

Adorable little old folks aside, this is a very somber site. It’s the Carriére Wellington, which is a museum related to WWI: in the chalk soil, since medieval times there had been tunnels dug to quarry the chalk, and during the War, British sappers connected the tunnels to blow up a huge mine during the Battle of Arras in 1917.

My parents are currently overseas on a long-anticipated once-in-a-lifetime trip to visit WWI battle sites– they’re focusing on sites relevant to American units, as my mother is finishing a book documenting the experiences, insofar as she can verify them, of every man from our local town who served. They’ve participated in a number of wreath-laying ceremonies. Dad has his own investment in it; he served for many years in the 42nd Infantry Division [National Guard], which was formed in order to fight in WWI. (My sister, meanwhile, served for a long time in the 3rd Infantry Division [regular Army], and at the gate of any base they staffed, their standard greeting was “Rock of the Marne,” which was the Division’s catchphrase– they were first blooded there, at the 2nd Battle of the Marne, in 1918, and awarded the nickname for their refusal to retreat.)

(Maybe the US should have stayed out of it, and maybe WWII would have been averted. You could argue that either way, but you can’t deny that, clearly, a lot of our modern military and status as a world superpower kind of grew out of that intervention. Maybe we should have intervened earlier. Nobody ever writes that AU, they’re too busy saving the Confederacy or letting the Nazis win. Has anyone written an AU where the Americans stayed isolationist? Hook me up.)

Today my parents took a side trip to Verdun, which, no, was not a site American units notably participated in, but is important to see. About a million people died there, about a hundred years ago. Humbling to consider. 

anonymous asked:

i've been seeing old photos of kd with their heads leaned against eachother's and oh gosh it's too cute ㅠㅠ also speaking of kd, I hope they spend their birthday together yaaah~ I really hope they let them ㅠㅠ

Hi anon~ Yes kd is always so freaking cute ;-; 

(creepy pic……. but they’re sleeping and leaning their heads against each other…)

*coughs violently* 

*pouts* celebrating their bd’s together a long long long time ago ;; 

Tbh anon, I don’t think we’re going to get a joint kaisoo party I’m afraid :/ 

But Nini mentioned (today I think?) that there’s smth coming up for his bday celebration, so let’s wait and see what he has in store :) 

FOETUS TO THE MAX A'IGHT

tbh its not finished but i had to post it :)))))

okie to start we will begin with bradley will simpson

i thought id ease you in with a lovely smile bc holy moly u fine

i think someones been doin the marrajuanna

I MEAN LIKE FOETUS BRED WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER JUST LOOK AT THAT MUSHROOM

Y SO SIRIUS BRAD THIS ISNT YOUR JAIL PHOTO OR ANYHING

OH BRAD YOU REBEL PULLIN THE MIDDLE FINGER N ALL

IM PEEING OMG BRAD AND HIS CLIQUE  LOL THEYRE ALL CHAVS 

Keep reading

husband!jeonghan

OK IM VERY SORRY FOR THE LATE HUSBAND!JEONGHAN like im just gonna leave this here, and if i ever said the scenario will be up tomorrow that means 3000000 years later ok love u im rly sorry:

  • waking up next to an angel every morning
  • isnt that the best thing ever ;;;
  • if he woke up first he’s going to make breakfast and its gonna taste like its from heaven and also he is from the heaven too so that kinda makes sense
  • HIM TRYING TO FEED U
  • “here comes the airplane aaaaaa”
  • “IM AN ADULT STOP”
  • “but ur my baby :(”
  • ok yoon jeonghan stop it right there
  • ok lets be honest he’s gonna be the one cooking in the house no doubt
  • him doing many aegyo just for u
  • those lazy mornings where he doesnt have any schedule
  • GETTING JEALOUS OF HIS HAIR BC ITS PRETTIER THAN YOURS WTF
  • “um… ..jagi… …what are u doing with my shampoo”
  • he bought this big teddy bear for u and name it jeonghan so when u miss him u can just hug the bear cliche af but u love it dont deny it
  • you taking sneaky photo of him when he’s not looking for ur lockscreen
  • MATCHING COUPLE SHOES
  • u getting mad bc he’s so beautiful
  • BUT JEONGHAN AS A DAD ONOOFOFONDL
  • he’s gonna be so happy when u tell him youre pregnant with his child!!!! like!!! no!!! way!!! im!! gonna!!! be!! a!!! dad!!!! tHAT SUPER COOL AND YOURE THE MOTHER WHTADH
  • and he’s super excited like youve never seen him this excited he’s so hyper
  • “OMG I LOVE U SO MUCH” thats probably what ur gonna hear for the rest of the day
  • HIM TALKING TO UR TUMMY LIKE WHY IS THI S BOY SO CUTE
  • idk how many kids he wants tho???/ maybe 2 or 3
  • but he’s gonna be a very supportive dad seriously
  • and he’s those dad that his kid’s friends kept talking about
  • sure sometimes theyd mistaken him as a woman but trust me he’s so manly like have u seen him im crying
  • he’d gave one of his kids piggy back rides and the other would be jelly so he’d have to do the same with them
  • theyre gonna be watching something when youre not home and when youre home theyre sound asleep with the tv on and popcorn scattered around
  • playing soccer or backetball is like a routine ok
  • and his hair when he’s playing is like so beautiful have u seen that one clip from mansae where his hair is just like WHOOOSHSHSH
  • one time he slept with the kids and theyre hugging him everywhere one was hugging his hand and the other is his leg and one is laying on top of him AND ITS REALLY CUTE U JUST NEED TO TAKE A PHOTO OF THEM
  • many cute sellfies with him saved in his phone and he’d just smile like an idiot looking through them
  • he bites his lip a lot like
  • BITING HIS LIP THO HMHMHMHMHM I VOLUNTEER ok the i volunteer part was so old i apologize
  • making out with jeonghan tho gmmmhmhmhm ok why am i like this
  • but i can see one of ur kids walking in on u and him having a hot make out session IM LAUGHIGN
  • he’s probably gonna clear it up to them bc ur just too embarrassed to
  • he likes to randomly hold ur hand and kiss ur knuckles SO CUTE and youd blush and this boy will just flash u his angelic smile and get u dead
  • BUYING A PET PROBABLY A DOG
  • trying new recipes with him
  • “ok put 2 eggs”
  • “and also sugar”
  • the kids asking him to sing before they sleep bc he has a voice of an angel duh
  • and when theyre finally asleep he’s gonna sneak out the room carefully and went to u guys room and saw u already asleep
  • he’d smile and lay down next to u and wrap his arms around u and u stir
  • “jeonghan??????????”
  • “sssssh its me now go back to sleep”
  • “are the kids asleep”
  • “yep”
  • and so youd just sleep like that ur ear pressed against his chest and u can hear the faint sound of his heart beats that calms u down as he stroke ur hair AND ITS JUST SO PERFECT WHYWWHWYWH
  • and just in case u happened to marry this angel u need to be prepared since one of the things above might happen to u right you never know

OK LMAO SO LATE click here for more husband!au :~)

before/after. 

In March of 2013, we lost our son Bix four days after his projected due date. It was without a question the most deeply upsetting experience of my life. My pain and the pain I felt for Bix’s mother Roxanne, was and remains ineffable. Therefore I will not attempt to describe it. Those who have experienced such an event know. Those who haven’t can only imagine. I will say however, as we were told and I knew even then from having endured other losses, that time — and active dedication to the process of healing — would eventually puncture a small hole into the blackness through which we might crawl. 

Beyond the obvious emotional impact this had on our lives, there were practical concerns. When we were finally ready to leave the house we had to find new restaurants. Every one of our favorite places knew we were expecting a child and it was too daunting to have to explain what had happened each time we were greeted by an eager face that would inevitably  grow long. Regardless, each of us would have to confront this several times. For instance our favorite ramen place knew Roxanne, we thought, much better than me — as she brought food home from the place far more than we ate there. Once we chanced it and I left Roxanne in the car while I picked up a to go order. It turns out the guy in the kitchen did in fact know I was Roxanne’s other half and asked from the kitchen across a small crowd, while I waited in line at the register, how the baby was. Actually I think he asked what he was, a boy or a girl. I said a boy…and that he was doing fine. 

Then there was a matter so particular to this day and age: how to deal or not deal with this in the context of social media. This was less of an issue for Roxanne than myself who participated more actively —  and revealingly — here on Tumblr, Instagram, and on Vine (profusely and in a rather high profile way at the time). It seemed at once hypocritical to omit this experience from the self-chronicling I had been doing in these realms, yet preposterous to even entertain the notion of exhibiting such personal aspects of my life ever again. 

After a couple of days of barely being able to even stand, to leave our bedroom, I decided to gather my photographic equipment from upstairs and document our post partem, no matter how bleak. The first picture I took was the second exposure of a double exposure I had been planning for months. Several days before Bix’s due date I had set up my Polaroid Spectra, locked down the tripod, marked it with tape, did several test shots, and took the first exposure of what I imagined would be the most blissfully perfect marriage of art and self-documentation in my personal canon. I shot the first exposure of Roxanne as she stood in the doorway of our bedroom, 9 months pregnant, and looking towards her future self — who would be seated on the chair in the foreground with her new baby once we got back from the hospital. I think it was the next day, maybe the day after, that she stopped feeling him kicking. That camera perched upon that tripod loomed those first few days home from the hospital, an eerie relic of so much expectation, frozen in time, containing only the happier half of an incomplete photo.

When you lose a child, at Cedars Sinai anyway, you are presented upon discharge, with a small green cushioned box, called a “memory box.” The name alone is chilling. I don’t want to paint too grim(ly honest) a picture, because I don’t want to make someone feel something they are in no mood to feel. Nor do I want to give the impression that we are trying to elicit sympathy. I don’t want to pick at a wound which took so much time to scab. I don’t want to cinema-tize our experience, one of the rare experiences in my life that felt wholly genuine and completely untainted by artifice and self-reflexivness. I will just say that watching your much, much better half being wheeled out of a hospital without her child and with a fucking green box in its stead is an experience I would not wish upon my worst enemies. We have never opened this box, though we are grateful it exists. It contains photos of the beautiful child we held for mere minutes, his hat, and I’m not sure what else.

So after a few days and steeling ourselves we took the “after” exposure of of my “before/after” picture.  Roxanne is holding the green box as I kneel at her side. I started a private companion blog, here on Tumblr, too cleverly called Home is Where the Hard IsI struggled with whether to go “public” with the blog and acknowledge the glaring omission in my various social network profiles. At the very least, I thought, such a blog might preempt questions about our child from those who did not receive the email I sent the second night we were home, titled “Sad News.” It might prevent comments about the missing child I had already begun to exhibit in a fashion, in what in hindsight seemed a morbidly prescient “series” that was intended to culminate with the birth of our child I was making on Vine, for instance. But the exhibition of this photo, of our grief, seemed too dark, even for me, even for someone who had always distilled nearly all his experience through some sort of meta-tation. Covered with tattoos, I opted not to turn his legacy into hipster grist or my arms into a graveyard, as the right one already contained the initials of a dead friend and a portrait of my beloved gone dog, Jack. This was simply too deep, too authentic a pain to remove myself from it in any way. And as much as I thought it might make us feel less alone, less like freaks, to illustrate our experience for others with whom we might co-miserate, Roxanne was not ready to do this. Not at least, until we had come out the other end — the extent to which that might even be possible. And I concurred. Niether of us wanted to belong to this club. We went to one meeting for grievers like us and we never went back. The grief of these survivors, unconsolable and years old in some cases, was too much, too discouraging for us. We would heal. We would tackle the pain, immerse ourselves in it, let its miserable breathtaking waves wash over us, wake us in the night.  But we would not let it define us. You can click on the link of the blog that never really was, to see the photo, which I only just looked at for the first time in over a year. Or not. I’m not entirely sure how appropriate it is or isn’t. I doubt I’ll ever exhibit in any fashion the entire chronicle of our grieving which I shot, as I am wont to do, in every conceivable format. That will likely remain only ours. But the sole shot on that ghost blog, the double exposure, in as much as it is a testament to our grief,  is moreover a testament to our strength —  to Roxanne’s strength, of which I will never cease to be awed.

I will never forget Bix or feel untouched by his brief life, lived only in utero, but with which we both connected so deeply.  But having just discussed what had happened to us, and that we were expecting again, on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast, recorded months ago but which aired yesterday, I feel we owe it to our new son Bud, to our first son Bix, and to those who have experienced such devastation, to exhibit this new double exposure (above) on very old Polaroid film of an expectant couple and their future selves…this time holding their newborn son the night they came home from the hospital.