items list

outside-the-government  asked:

Kinky questions - 13, 16, 22? :D

13.  Have/would you ever have sex outside?

I have. I would. We have this… old firetruck that was turned into a playground here (it’s been updated and I can’t find an old photo), and yeah… uh…there.

16.  If you had a sexual “to-do” list, what would be on top of the list?

probably sex with a woman? It was NOT okay to be anything other than straight when I was younger, which is I think what led me to not really understanding my sexuality until I was older. So that would probably be a good bucket list item…

22. List your kinks.

spankings, rough play, a little bit of choking, restraint…

Our party—a bard, a fighter, and a ranger—were on a one-off side quest to deliver a letter to somebody. He wasn’t at his house (learned after breaking in, to the DM’s dismay), so we found out the general area he was in and went there, confusion in our wake and a spring in our steps. I, the bard, had decided that I would funnel every ounce of skill I possessed into charisma, and at level 5 had a +6 modifier. I had been using that power at every opportunity that arose. We wander through the foothills full of caves, looking for this guy, when our fighter rolls a nat 20 perception trying to look for any signs of life.

DM: You—okay, so. Yeah. With that, you actually notice about fifty feet away that a particular cluster of bushes is rustling just slightly, but not with the breeze.

Fighter: Oh. Cool. “Hey guys, I think there are some folks in those bushes over there.”

Me: “Cool beans! HELLOOOOOOO, MY DUDES!”

DM: There’s a few seconds of silence before four guys come slowly forward from the bushes. They look pretty rough and tough, and uh—

Ranger: Can I roll perception? Uh… that’s a 15.

DM: You deduce that they’re probably bandits or something. They’re walking forward and one of the guys says, “Who are you little pests, and what’re ya doing in these here foothills of ours?”

Me: “We’re just hanging out, traveling, and actually it seems like a good time to break for breakfast if you lovely gents would like to join us! I can brew us up some chamomile, I have like a thousand mushrooms I got earlier—”

Fighter: “I got that chicken, too, and jerky.”

Me: “Oh hell yeah, we’re gonna chow down if y'all want in on that action.”

DM: That’s, uh… that’s persuasion, advantage because you’re offering them food and seem too dumb to be dangerous.

Me: Thanks man. Uh… 14 total.

DM: *head in his hands* I just—okay, they join you for breakfast I guess. And yet again you avoid a fight I planned for you. One of the dudes breaks out some eggs from somewhere.

Ranger: What’re their names?

DM: Uh, uh, they—it’s got. There’s Bablo, Sanchez, Kent, and uh. Eskabar.

Me: Cool. I roll to flirt with them.

DM: ………<i>all of them???</i> I mean… sure?? I guess??

Me: Hells yeah. Rolling.

Proceeds to roll: 16, 19, and <i>two natural 20s</i>.

DM: *head on the table* Like. You—you make your fellow party members super uncomfortable. You are piled under boys, it’s kinda gross but super chill for you. Kent wasn’t super into the whole group thing before, but now he would straight up die for you. He’s learning a lot about himself today.

Me: I’m gonna write those names down for later. Can I put “a boys harem” in my items list?

Random joke magic items

Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:

1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.

2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.

3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.

4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.

5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.

6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.

7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.

8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.

9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.

10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.

11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.

12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.

13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.

14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.

15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.

16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.

17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.

18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.

19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.

20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.

21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.

22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.

23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.

24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.

25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will

26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.

27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.

28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.

29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.

30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.

31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.

32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.

33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.

34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.

35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.

36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.

37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.

38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.

39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.

40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.

50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.

51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.

52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.

53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.

54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.

55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.

56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.

57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.

58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.

59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.

60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single 'smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.

61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.

62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.

63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.

64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.

65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.

66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.

67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.

68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.

69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.

70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.

71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.

72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.

73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.

74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!

75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.

76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.

77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.

79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.

80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.

81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.

82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…

83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.

84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.

85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.

86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.

87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.

88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.

89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.

90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.

91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed

92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.

93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.

94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.

95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack

96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.

97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.

98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip

99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.

100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.

101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.

102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!

103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.

104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.

105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.

106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.

amazon.com
Baby Registry

Hey y'all! So my birthday’s in a little more than a week, but I really don’t need anything for me. If y'all would like, though, baby #2 is on their way!

I’m registered here with amazon (and honestly I’m just adding anything I’m planning to get eventually anyway, since later I’ll get a 10% off coupon for anything that doesn’t get purchased before then, lol).

There’s also a lot of things I can get cheaper secondhand–and amazon’s always way pricy!–so if you’d like to drop a few dollars in my PayPal it’s cardozzza@gmail.com

This is definitely not an obligation, and I don’t want anyone to feel guilty!

why did this take me like an hour


🤔🤔How does Hamilton📜👨an arrogant😠😤immigrant⛴️🇺🇸, orphan💀👩bastard❌👪, whoreson🤰👶Somehow endorse👍😁Thomas Jefferson🇫🇷💸,his enemy😤🖕a man👨 he’s despised💢😡since the beginning⛴️just to keep❌ me👤from winning?🏆🏛️I wanna be in the room🚪where it happens👥🤝The room🚪where it happens👥🤝The room🚪where it happens👥🤝You’ve👉kept❌me😟😠from the room🚪where it happens👥🤝for the last😑❌time🕰️📅

Dear💗Alexander📜👨:
I am slow to anger💢😠, but I toe👞the line📏as I reckon with the effects of your📜👨life on mine👤I look👀back on where I failed😞❌and in every place I checked🔍🕵️the only common thread📝has been your disrespect😤😡Now you call me “amoral,”😑🙄a “dangerous disgrace,”😠😤if you’ve got something💢💭to say🗣️💬name a time🕰️📅and place.🌄🌲Face👤👥to face👤👥
I have the honor to be Your Obedient Servant🙇🏿‍♂️
A dot Burr👨🏿

Mr. Vice President🏛️👨🏿:
I am not the reason no one❌👥trusts you👨🏿No one❌👥knows💭what you believe👨🏿🗯️I will not equivocate🗣️💬on my opinion💭I👨🏽have always worn it on my sleeve👔 Even if I👨🏽said🗣️💬what you think👨🏿💭I said👨🏽💬you would need to cite👉a more specific🔍grievance😠😤Here’s an itemized list📜📜of thirty years of disagreements💢😡

Sweet Jesus🙄😩

Hey, I have not❌been shy😳I am just a guy👨🏽in the public👥👤eye👀tryin’ to do my👨🏽best🏆for our👥republic🗺️I don’t wanna❌fight👊🔫but I won’t❌apologize💬🙇🏽‍♂️for doing what’s right✔️
I have the honor to be Your Obedient Servant🙇🏽‍♂️
A dot Ham👨🏽

Careful how you proceed, good man🙂👨🏽Intemperate indeed😠😩, good man🙂👨🏽Answer🗣️💬for the accusations💢📜I lay at your feet👞👞 or prepare to bleed🔫💉, good man🙃🙃

Burr👨🏿, your grievance💢😤is legitimate✔️I stand by what I said👨🏽💬, every bit of it🔍✔️You👨🏿stand only for yourself👨🏿 It’s what you do🤔 I can’t❌apologize🙇🏿‍♂️😔 because it’s true📜✔️

Then stand, Alexander😤😡Weehawken🗺️Dawn🌅🌄Guns drawn🔫😠

You’re on😠🔫

I have the honor to be Your Obedient Servant 🙇🏽‍♂️🙇🏿‍♂️

A dot Ham👨🏽💢

A dot Burr👨🏿💢

learning vocabulary from reading

hey guys! I just commented on someone’s post about this, and I realized I haven’t shared my method with y’all yet. I started doing this recently, with Jane Eyre in spanish! there’s a lot of words I don’t know, so this is really helping me! hopefully it comes in handy for you guys, too!

step 1: read the passage.

obviously, to learn vocabulary, you need to read the vocabulary you’re learning. but here’s the thing: don’t stop to learn the vocabulary. i want you to read the entire passage and try to understand it as best you can. you need that reading practice, too!

something my spanish teacher taught me is that when you immerse yourself in something that’s challenging and “monotonous”, you get overwhelmed very easily and do worse than you would if you slowed down at worked at your own pace. (monotonous meaning without change, i don’t mean to say it’s boring. the idea is if you stare at the same page for too long, you zone out.) she said that listening is the hardest, because students can only pay attention for ~30 seconds before getting stuck and being unable to focus on the rest of the listening. (because of this, she pauses the listening every once in a while to ask questions).  

because of this, it’s best to section off your reading in chunks. if it’s a short article, you can read the whole thing through. but if you’re reading a challenging book, where the chapters are more than a few pages, you’ll want to break it up - or else you’ll forget what you’re doing!

step 2: underline unknown words.

you can do this during or after reading. for me, i haven’t figured out which works best yet. go through the section and underline any words you don’t know - even if you could guess their meaning from context. basically, anything you haven’t studied. if you can’t think of the word in your target language while speaking in conversation, you should probably underline it. 

if done during reading: make sure you don’t focus on the unknown words! underline them in passing while trying to understand the reading as a whole.

step 3: make a list of those words!

you can do this in the margins or on a separate piece of paper. you’ll want to make the list so that there’s the unknown word, then room for two more words, then however much space you want between your list items. (for instance, using 4 lines on a page: unknown word / space to write / space to write / space between vocab words

step 4: guess the meaning!!

this is what that extra space is for! go back through the passage and try to understand the unknown words. write what you think the words mean, either by literal translation to your native language, or describing the meaning in a phrase. this is super important because it forces you to practice using context to understand unknown words, and your basic knowledge of the language to understand things like whether it’s a noun or verb, singular, plural, etc. when using the language in real-time situations, you can’t just pull out a dictionary!

step 5: look up the words

plain and simple, use that final space to write the literal definitions. you might want to rearrange the order of your list, like putting the definition and the word side-by-side or something so you can study more easily. in the end, your guess doesn’t really matter; it was the act of guessing that made you improve.

(optional) step 6: check your answers

now, you can go through the list and see what you guessed right! you can be loose with how you measure yourself - for instance, if you didn’t know the word for “bush” but you guessed “some kind of plant,” by my standards that would be correct. you’re not going for the exact perfect meaning; that’s nearly impossible. but you got the basic idea of what it was describing, and that’s what matters. 

totally optional, but one (arbitrary, probably meaningless) way i measure progress is by making a score for myself for each passage. correct guesses out of unknown words (in a percentage). hopefully by the end of the book, my average will go up!

step 6 ½: study!

finallyyyy, study the words! use your own methods. if you like quizlet or memrise, make yourself a deck using your list. personally, I use Anki, and I have a separate deck from my vocab list deck, meant for miscellaneous vocab that i learn from reading and speaking. on the other hand, if you like playing memory games to learn vocab, or writing the word over and over - more power to you! i’m not here to tell you how to study vocab, just to help you get a better grasp on it when you first come across it.

i hope this helps! happy studying!! <3

Finnish Grammar Gothic

- There are 14, 15 or 16 cases, depending on who you ask. One might be accusative. Accusative may not exist at all. It depends on who you ask. Who do you ask? You don’t know who to ask. You can ask nobody. The accusative case stares at you, accusingly.

- Imperative exists in three persons. Which three persons, you ask. Plural, they reply. Don’t forget the plural imperative. You stare at your textbook. Your textbook stares back at you. The negative active 2. person imperative has ceased to make any sense. Has it ever made sense?

- You’re learning the difference between the short and the long vowels. The short vowels are short. The long ones are twice as long as the short ones. But really, they say, they’re thrice as long as that. Even longer than that. Ä, you say. Ää. Äää. Äääääääääää-
It never stops.

- The verb types are easy, they say. There are only six verb types. Six. Your text book lists only five. What is the sixth verb type? It’s in the next book, your professor says. There is no next book. What is the sixth verb type?

- The vowels come in groups. You don’t know why they’ve come or why they’re in groups. You learn their harmony all the same. You shed a tear when you’ve mastered it. But have you mastered it? The vowel harmony lulls you into a false sense of security. The vowels will strike when you least expect it.

- Consonant gradation.

- There is no accusative, your professor screams at you. It’s genitive! Or partitive! Or plural nominative, but only in the personal pronouns! The accusative does not exist! He is red in the face. Why does the accusative not exist? Do grammatical objects not exist in this language? you ask. (You shouldn’t have asked.) You are met with blank stares.

- In the future you would like to speak Finnish fluently. You make the mistake of saying this aloud. The ground opens beneath your feet and a terrible voice booms: THERE IS NO FUTURE! Silly you, you think. Of course there isn’t. You dutifully note down the three different past tenses.

- Sentence replacements replace sentences, your professor tells you. He does not tell you what the sentences are replaced with. You stare at the list of sentence replacements. There are nine items on the list. One is a quantum sentence replacement. You dare not ask.

- New words are easy to create, they say. So easy. What could possibly go wrong? You decide to create a new word. You have created an abomination.

- You’re conjugating -i nouns. There’s another group of -i nouns conjugated differently. These are very old words, your professor says. There’s another group of -i nouns. These are very old words, she says. Even older words. There’s another group of -i nouns. These are very old words, she says. They are ancient words. Blood and devil words, the past whispers in your ear.

- Some of those 14 or 15 or 16 cases are fossilised, so don’t worry about them, your professor says. Don’t worry at all. But you worry. You must worry.

- You watch a video on facebook. The Most Important Word In Finnish, it’s called. It becomes clear that it is possible to carry entire conversations using only this one word. Your smile stiffens on your face. There is only one word. There has only ever been one word.

anonymous asked:

Do you have any Spells for finding lost things?

All of these spells (or links to them) could be found in my [″lost objects” tag]. Please be sure to check my blog / tags before sending in asks please!

More favourite memes:

  • *following bizarre catastrophe that couldn’t possibly have been anticipated* “Hey, you knew the risks.”
  • “Damn you, [tangentially relevant public figure]!”
  • “Well, at least [minor beneficial side effect of severe disaster].”
  • “Okay, I’m going to need [list of items with no possible relevance to the problem at hand].”
  • “Don’t worry - I have a plan.” *smash cut to even worse situation*
5

I remember the first time I saw the Orion nebula from a cruiser, the interstellar dust bursting with all manner of color against the black vastness of space. I stared out of that viewpost thinking one day I might know the full limits of our universe, one day I could comprehend its depths and see every uncharted corner. But in just one second I knew the opposite was true of her, this woman who had just punched Delaney- I thought I could spend a whole lifetime with her and not even know a fraction of her. 

3

Also, this:

https://www.vox.com/2017/5/4/15542990/republican-health-bill-ahca-medicaid-victims

Go back and read the list of preexisting conditions again. Do you see erectile dysfunction? Prostate cancer? Interesting, no? Yet pregnancy is on the list, as is breast cancer.

And you may suffer from one or more listed items. If so, the House has voted yesterday to take away your health insurance.*

*I should have said, “make your health insurance (vastly, possibly prohibitively) more expensive.”

Favorite Writing Things: Seven Year Pens

From time to time I wanted to share a few of my favorite writing-related products.  The top item on my list is, without a doubt, the Seven Year Pen from Seltzer Goods. 

I bought my first Seven Year Pen from a book store a little over three years ago with the promise that this pen is supposed to have 7 years worth of ink. I was skeptical. As someone who writes in a notebook every single day, I go through a lot of pens. I have seen favorite pens run dry more times than I can count. I’ve tried refilling some, but more often than not, it isn’t worth the effort. So buying this pen, I figured if it even lasts a year, it’s worth it. (Now, keep in mind, I was coming off a gel pen kick where I was going through a new pen every 3 days to a week. I’ve switched to ballpoint pens just because they last longer.)

Three years later, it’s my favorite pen and even more, it’s lasted three years. Over the past few years, I’ve collected more than a few of these pens, in part because I liked the first one so much and I’m in the habit of misplacing things regularly, but I can say, it’s lasted longer than any pen I’ve ever used and it writes so well. It’s durable, cute, and comfortable to grip. As far as writing with it, it works just about as nicely as any regular pen does. It just works for significantly longer, which is really fantastic. 

To date, I haven’t replaced the ink in the pen I bought three years ago. It’s the one pen I use most, and while it doesn’t look quite as bright and shiny as the day I bought it, it’s traveled with me across the country, out of the country, gotten thrown in purses, suitcases, backpacks. The design on it is a little faded, but it works like new and that’s all that’s mattered to me.

Now more often, I buy these pens as gifts (or really, something to throw on top of a gift or go with a nice journal). They’re cute, durable, and they last. No joke, this is my top recommendation for any writer. 

Pens shown above:  Unicorn Pen  |  Whale Pen  |   Lightning Bolt Pen  |   Note to Self Pen 

When She Gets Sleepy

- This is my first “fic” well it will be more of a drabble -

I REPEAT THIS IS MY FIRST FANFICTION EVER!!!

Warnings: unedited, first fic I’ve ever written, hopefully super fluffy fluff

Poly!Hamilsquad x reader

Summary: The boys have been really busy lately, reader is sleepy and clingy, the boys just love the way she acts when she needs more sleep.

AN: I hope this is good for the first imagine I’ve written, I was inspired by @a-schuylerr  ‘s poly!hamilsquad imagine, “heavy eyes”.  I wrote all this in one sitting, feel free to tell me if you like it or tell me some improvements, thanks :)

Enjoy~


Originally posted by scientists-and-stars

     Now you weren’t going to lie, You haven’t been sleeping very well the past few days. 

     All the boys were very busy. Hercules with his tailoring, he is having to deal with a very picky rich woman who wanted everything to be her way or the highway. 

     Alexander was busy with all the work his boss, George Washington, was giving him. Then there is always fighting with Jefferson. 

     And John is busy…. Well you aren’t really sure what he’s been busy with, he’s just going in and out of the apartment constantly.

     Then there was Lafayette. He was busy with volunteering at a local high school, tutoring children learning French. In fact, he is loving teaching his native tongue to the youngsters so much that he is thinking of possibly applying to be an official French teacher.

     Now listen, it wasn’t that the boys were ignoring you, not by any means. They were just all so busy. Alex was staying up all night until dusk working on god knows what on his computer. Here being kept up late in his shop working on all his clothes he was making. John doing whatever it was John was doing.

     The point is, they all got into bed once you were asleep and all at ungodly hours in the morning. You missed cuddling with them. And you tried you damn hardest to get them all to go to bed at a reasonable hour, but no matter your persuasive tactics, they would not budge from their respective places.

     You all had the day off today, though they were at home, they were all still doing work. You were up, but still very sleep deprived and feeling sorta needy, you needed to touch them, you missed them. 

     But, it didn’t matter that you missed them and all you wanted to do was cuddle and watch a movie and eventually fall asleep. It didn’t matter because you had to go to the supermarket to get some food.

     “Hey guys, I’m going to go to the store to get some food, anyone want anything?” you asked by the front door slipping on your favorite pair of boots, ‘cause it’s cold as hell in New York during the winter.

      To your surprise, both Laf and John jumped up and said they’d join you.

      You were more than happy to have them come along. The three of you set off down the stairs of your building after you all put on your coats, Laf made sure both you and john had on a scarf and a beanie and were warm enough. 

     Once at the store you took out your list of items you needed and the three of you set off to look for your desired items. The trip ended up taking much, much longer than anticipated, it took two and a half hours.

     By the time you were in the check-out line, you were leaning heavily on Laf’s shoulder with your hand intertwined with his. John was looking at the two of you with so much love in his eyes. 

     “Mon amor, are you tired?” Laf teased.

     “Mhm,” was the only response you were able to produce.

     While you were waiting in this horridly long line, you closed your eyes. Above your head John and  Laf glanced at each other, down at your sleepy form, back at each other, then smirked.

     The boys love it when you got sleepy, ‘cause when you got sleepy you got clingy and cuddly and become very dependent on your four boys to take care of you and hold you. 

     John quickly texted both Herc and Alex to tell them that you were in this mood. He told them to get some blankets out and wrap up whatever they were working on.

     All whilst checking out, you leaned on Laf and mumbled half awake sentences about hurrying up. John and Laf only internally “awwww”ed and lightly chuckled at you behavior.

     On the car ride back to your apartment you sat in the back with John cuddled up to his side, your head on his chest. His soft humming, one hand running through your hair, the other rubbing your thigh in soothing motions, and the steady rise and fall of his chest were all coaxing you into sleep. 

     When you got back to the apartment building, John shook you awake. Your eyes fluttered open, you closed them again, your eyebrow creasing with the unwanted and unexpected awakening. You slowly brought you hands, curled in loose fists, to softy rub your eyes.

     “W-wha’s goin’ on? Wha’ happened?” you murmured sleepily

     “You fell asleep, baby girl, we’re back at the building now, you gotta get up,” John replied, a smile on his face. You were just so damn adorable.

      “Oh,” you pouted slightly, you were so tired you couldn’t see straight. You lifted your arms with as much strength as you could muster and made grabby hand at Laf, signaling to him that you wanted to be carried,

     Laf chuckled and did that thing people do when they see something so cute they frown and smile at the same time, trying not to exclaim out loud how cute and adorable and precious you were being.

     Laf scooped you up into his arms. You wrapped your legs around his waist, you arms wound tightly around his neck and nuzzled you head into the crook of his neck. His hands rested at you lower back and one under your jean-clad bottom to ensure you don’t fall. The placement of his hands pushed you closer to your boyfriend, you hummed contently, loving the physical contact.

     Oblivious to you, Laf’s head shot up to make eye contact with John. Their eyes wide, trying their damnedest not to make any noises about you kola like behavior. 

     Laf, with you curled around him, carried you to the elevator, John strolled behind you two, looking at your head and how every now-and-then you would nuzzle your nose into his neck, your eyes closed and a content smile in your face.

     When you finally got to your floor and into to the apartment, Laf set you on the bench near the front door that the five of you use to put extra bundle necessities in, and to sit in to put on and take off your shoes. 

     After taking off his own shoes, John bent down to unite and take off your shoes. While he was busy doing that you very slowly took off you coat and other winter accessories. 

     You softly rubbed you eyes again and looked up at John, who had now stood at full height, looking down at you making sure you got everything off without trouble. He smiled at you and offered you his hand. You smiled a small smile back and took his hand. He helped you up and you leaned against him.

     As you neared the living room, your feet dragged. You were just so sleepy. 

     Alex was sitting all alone on the couch. Unknown to you, Laf had quickly gone to him once he saw Alex was seated on the couch and told him of your adorable sleepy clingy behavior. He kissed him and told him he needs to cuddle with you alone for a minute. 

     Once Alex saw you his face lit up, when he saw how you leaned on John and how cute you looked. His smile got bigger and internally thanked whatever god or gods there were that this beautiful woman, and handsome freckled man beside her, loved him. Alex could write for days on how beautiful and adorable you looked, clinging to John’s arm.

     “Awwww, come here sweetheart,” Alex said to you, winking at John, silently telling him he knew what was going on and what was going to happen. John walked the two of you over to the couch, you crawled into Alex’s lap nuzzling you head into his neck, one hand at your side, the other wound in his hair. 

     Above your head John gave Alex one or two affectionate greeting kisses. After they parted, John planted a soft, lingering kiss to the top of your head, then headed to the kitchen to help put up the couple of food bags Laf had taken from him before you even registered that you needed to take off you coat, just seconds ago. He kissed Herc for maybe a little longer than needed, but nobody was objecting. The two men who went with you on your shopping trip filled in Herc on how cute you were acting, how they just love you leaning on them, your clingy-ness, your little stumble shuffle combo as you attempt to walk at a reasonable pace. 

     Alex looked down at you fondly and said something you didn’t quite catch… Wait, when did you get into Alex’s arms. Ohhh, he so warm, and smells so good. And him rubbing soothing circles on your back, the other on your knee and thigh. Good lord- you could drift off into sleep right now. You feel his warmth and affection seeping into you, you were just too tired to know what was going on. His actions soothed you, you were falling asleep again, but you felt as if somewhere, far away, someone was trying to talk to you. You whimpered, burrowing your face closer to his neck, if that was even possible.

      You are just about to fall asleep once again you feel his chest rumble as he says, “Hmmm, how ‘bout that,love? Would you like that? Did’ya hear me, little one?”

     You grunted out a small “what”, getting metaphorically drunk of his warmth, sent, and the warm breath being blown on to your neck as he talks.

     He chuckled lightly, if you’d have been fully responsive at the time you would have heard the smile in his voice as he repeated himself, “I said, how ‘bout we get you out of those jeans and into some sweats and we can all cuddle in bed, we have all had a long week, I think we all deserve a cuddle session.”

      You slowly nodded, liking that idea, but not quite understanding in your half-asleep, well mostly asleep, daze.

     As soon as you had finished nodding, your other three amazing boyfriends came out of the kitchen, Herc in the lead, eager to see you and cuddle you. 

     Herc crouched down in front of you and Alex and rested a hand on your thigh softy to get your attention. Your eyebrows crease once again, like they did in the car before you slowly lifted your head from the crook of Alex’s neck and was met with the face of your fourth lover, who had an endearing smile on his face, looking at you fondly.

     “Hey there, sleepyhead,” Herc murmured to you, but the room was quiet enough that everyone herd it, even Laf and John who were embracing each other and smiling fondly and the small group on and in front of the couch.

     “H-herc, hey, man, I m-missed you,” you mumbled, not having enough energy to speak very loud. You slowly lifted your arms from Alex to attempt to latch on to Herc.

     Your lovers all chuckled, they found it amusing yet endearing that you called people “man” and “dude” when you were, or weren’t, tired.

     Herc easily picked you up spun around in the direction of the bedroom, all after you had wrapped yourself around him, just like you had done with Laff not even ten minutes ago.

     The rest of the boys followed in suit, John stopping by the thermostat to turn the heat down a little, once you were all five in bed, with all those big, furnace bodies *cough, cough* Laf and Herc *cough,cough*, somebody is bound to get a little over heated *cough, cough* you or Alex *cough, cough.*

     Herc set you down on you feet, Laff by your side to keep you from falling over. John get you someone’s boxers, probably Alex’s, and grabbed a Black Lives Matter shirt, probably Herc’s, judging by the size, just a little bigger than Laf’s shirt.  

      John tossed the boxers and shirt to Laf so he could help you undress and dress. While Laf help you, the other boys got in more comfy clothes as well. 

       Laf slowly slid your jeans down your legs, being very patient while you wobbled and grabbed his shoulder to steady yourself when stepping out of them. Next came you panties, you were fine with being bare in front of them, they loved you for you. He steadied you as you stepped into the boxers. He slid them up your legs, when he stood at full height, he looked down at you and smiled, seeing your eyes closed and head tilting forward. 

      John kissed the place where Laf’s shoulder meets his neck and murmured in his ear, “You get comfy, I’ll finish changing our sleepy little one.”

     Laf nodded an okay, turned and kissed John on the lips, only to part a couple seconds late when they heard your tired needy whine. Laf chuckled against the freckled man’s lip, and muttered to him, “Our princess sure is cling today, better get moving, she just might, how you say… pass out? Oui, pass out.”

     Now it was John’s turn to nod. He pecked Laf’s lips once more, then turned to you. Your eyes were drooping closed, trying to stay awake, but failing.

     “Hey, darlin’, lets get you out of that shirt, huh?” John murmured against your forehead, his southern drawl coming out on certain words in his sentence. The more relaxed he was, the more that sweet hint of southern twang came out. Normally that would have soaked those boxers you were wearing, but you were much to tired to even fathom that.

     John slowly got your shirt and bra off, then slowly slid the shirt down your torso, his fingertips purposely skimming the sides of your breasts and your sides making you shiver and whimper a little. When you were sleepy and not focused, your skin’s sensitivity became heightened. But John knew not to go father, besides he was becoming more and more tired himself. When the shirt got to your waist he let go of the ends letting it fall and end a couple inches past your bottom. He pulled you in for a hug, which lasted at leas thirty seconds, your head facing sideways on the front of his shoulder.

     John released you from his tight embrace. Alex swept you up into his arms and guided you to the bed, where you crawled to the center, the sheets where ice cold making you whine as your sensitive skin came in contact with the ice cubes you called sheets. But hat discomfort faded away quickly as Herc settles in on your right, John cuddled beside him, Alex to your left, Laf on the other side of him. 

     You sunk into Alex and Herc’s warm embrace with no effort, sleepily think about how much you love your boyfriends. Them bed became warm. as the room filled up with the love and affection you held for each other. 

     You were the first to fall asleep, your boys soon to follow. 

     As you drifted off to sleep Alex’s arm curled around your waist, and Herc intertwined his fingers with yours.