it-hurts-me-to-think-about-it

For awhile, you’ll be the last thing I think about before I fall asleep and the first thing on my mind in the morning. I’ll remember how many days it’s been since I’ve last seen you and it will hurt more every day.
I’ll dream about you once in a while until I don’t think I can stand waking up missing you anymore, because it feels like I’ve lost you all over again.
But eventually, when our paths cross again and you smile exactly like you used to and ask me how I’ve been, my heart will speed up and I’ll struggle for words.
And for a few days after, I’ll wonder why things couldn’t have been different.
But in that moment, I’ll just smile back and say that it’s nice to see you again.
You’ll say it too, and I won’t know if you mean it or if you were just being polite, but it’s a five minutes conversation and I won’t dwell on it too much.
I did enough dwelling on you already.
—  Benedict Zach
If I knew that 6 months is all it would take for you to realize you don’t love me I wouldn’t have given you a key to my place and I wouldn’t have let you meet my whole family, I probably would have paid for dinner less.
If I knew that 4 months in you were so goddamn unhappy I wouldn’t have stayed. I wish you would have said “I don’t love you” sooner.
Correction, I wish you would have said “I will never love you” sooner.
Because maybe then I wouldn’t spend all this time thinking of reasons why I was never good enough and I have a list. You used to say you’re favorite thing about me was my laugh and I haven’t laughed since you.
If I knew that even after it was over I’d still be hurting, I would have never talked to you.
I wish you would have loved me too.
—  I’m still in love, Tell me you love me too.
Let me tell you a story about what a pretentious fuck I was.

I started talking to this person. This wonderful, kind, sweet, loving, adoring person bless their beautiful soul. I found myself drawn to them and before I knew it I was falling for them, like crushing big time. I ignored it for as long as I could but eventually I couldn’t deny it anymore. I liked this person, they had become precious to me and I wanted a deeper relationship. It took me a long time to admit this to myself (because I am a turd when it comes to dealing with my crushes). I kept trying to convince myself that I wasn’t developing romantic feelings for them, and I kept making up excuses for why it wouldn’t work out. One of those excuses (and I am so ashamed to admit this) was because they’s asexual. 

I’m pansexual myself, and have always considered myself very sexually active. I like sex, I like being sexually pleased and pleasing my partners. I like the intimacy of sex and the feeling of being desired. The thought of being in a relationship where that might not be an option seemed absolutely absurd to me. Like mentioned before, there were other excuses for why I refused to acknowledge my feelings. Distance, age gap, fear of rejection… but for some reason their asexuality seemed for some mind-boggling stupid reason to be my biggest issues. 

I didn’t consider myself acephobic. I respect and acknowledge asexuality, but I was just not interested in ace people. I was not attracted to them because they were not available… but that was wrong. Gay men were unavailable to me as well, but that did not stop me from being attracted to them. Yes, I did not act on my attraction, but I wasn’t denying the attraction either purely based on their sexuality. So why was it different with asexuals? Why was I willing omit this whole demographic from my list of potential partners? Why did the prospect of a relationship with potentially no sex scare me so? Was I being acephobic?

In my experience when you start to question whether or not you are being racist, homophobic, transphobic, acephobic ect. you usually are.

As a genderfluid person I would happily date a person who identify as gay if my feelings were being reciprocated, but I was excluding asexuals because of their sexuality. I was being a prejudicial fuck, and that was not acceptable!

I did some soul searching. Was sex being off the menu really that big of a deal? So I made a mental list of what sex is to me:

- physical pleasure

- a way for me to show my attraction to my SO

- stress reliever

- a way to feel close to my SO

- a way to measure my worth


…a way to measure my worth. Ufff. That if that isn’t a wet towel in your face then I don’t knkw what it. The reason why a relationship with the potential of no sex scared me so was because it took away the only thing I have used to measure my worth in a relationship. Emotional support, encouragement, companionship, love was all something I believed my partner could get from friends and family. Sex was however the one thing only I could provide. Sex had become my equivalent of my worth to my partner. First of all, that is a sick way of thinking about yourself. It is not okay to base your self-worth on others’ sexual desire for you. Secondly, that is a very unhealthy attitude to sex, by all means DO NOT adapt this attitude. Your worth should never be based on someone’s perception of you!!

My past relationships have not been great. They have all been a lethal cocktail of equal part mental abuse and toxic codependency. They have also all started with me sleeping with someone and then several fuck sessions later been labeled as a relationship. Not one of them have started as mutal romantic attraction. Which might explain my relationship with sex and my distorted basis of self-worth. 


So now I knew why asexuality was such an issue for me. Because my warped perception of self was making it impossible for me to imagine myself in a relationship with an ace. 

I eventually came to the conclusion that I was being absolutely ridiculous. That I was letting fear rule me. That I was denying myself feelings for a person because I was uncomfortable with facing a truth about myself.

I made another list. A list of reasons for why this person might want to be with me if not for a regular supply of sexual intercourse. 

- They feel comfortable around me

- They seek my companionship and enjoy my presence

- They genuinely care about me as a person

- They want a relationship based on mutual feelings and respect


I liked this list. This seemed like a much stabler foundation for a relationship than purely sexual attraction. The more I thought about this the more I realised I wanted it. Sex was never an issue, my own insecurities were. And once I acknowledged them I was able accept my flaws and move past them. I still have a lot of work to do (this is an issue you don’t dismiss overnight) but I was able to free myself from a hurtful mindset and admit to myself that I liked this person. I really, really liked this person. And although I loved our friendship I wanted more. I wanted to be closer to them, I wanted to confess my feelings, I wanted to share a special bond with them. 


However when it all came down to it I was to chickenshit to do anything about it. I was too insecure and too afraid of rejection (remember how I said that my issues are not fixed overnight).

Luckily for me my partner had more courage and asked me out. We have been dating for a couple of weeks now, and I have loved every single moment of it. Never have I been in a relationship where I have felt so safe, supported, and loved. Never have I felt such a strong connection to another human being. None of it is forced and it all feels so natural. 


And to think I almost denied myself this happiness because I was a closeminded scared little coward. 

anonymous asked:

I want to become a better person. I am always thinking bad about others. Every time I talk I end up hurting people. I wouldn't be friends with myself. By the way I am quite an introvert and I can't even speak to people setting around me in class.

Allow yourself to be how you are now, allow all the thoughts and all the feelings that come to you. Don’t fight them. They are not bad. Having thoughts about someone that may seem bad, are just thoughts and are just the mind doing what it does. The mind isn’t you. The thoughts aren’t you. Those feelings aren’t you. Try to sense this. You are simply here and simply alive, try to sense this.

You don’t enjoy engaging with people and so you don’t, that’s truly ok. Don’t fight how you are. Try to simply take care of yourself. If there is something that’ll help you to enjoy your day, do that. Balance your time alone and with people, even if it is mostly alone time at first. Try to engage in tiny social interactions, even just a bit, smile or make eye contact at first, this may be hard, it may be easy, but just try this and see that you can engage with people and they aren’t hurt and you aren’t judged.

It’s ok to want to be alone, we can be how we are and want to be alone and be normal, just be you and if you don’t feel like taking to the person next to you, don’t, that’s ok. If it’s not comfortable that’s ok, social interaction is a part of life, just like something like math is, you may not like math, but from time to time it is useful to know how to do it, even just a bit. The same is true of social interactions, you may not like it, but it is pretty much unavoidable and at some point you have to, this is just life. You are fine not wanting to do it, but working at it to get a bit better can be helpful, just as the person who doesn’t like to do math because they find it frustrating can do their best and try,
You can do your best and try and leave it at that. You aren’t perfect, don’t expect yourself to be no one is perfect. That just how it is, try and work on it. Work on it a bit and try to not make a big deal of it, it is just taking and interaction, truly no big deal, be you and just push that envelope a bit and see.

I hope this is of some help

~greg

my new favorite word is sickening and
that’s probably because that’s the feeling i get in my stomach whenever i see you

a long time ago you said “I read one of your poems and realized that I did miss you”
so i guess i keep searching for the right words to make you think that again but honestly i know it’s not really me you miss it’s the way i look with nothing on and
words said just to hurt are still words and they’re still sharp and i’m still avoiding places i know you’ll be

my heart doesn’t even do anything when i think of you
it was always more about the addictive feeling of being vulnerable enough to fall apart.

—  I guess this ones about you– lily rain

anonymous asked:

Have you come across other avpd's who are hypersensitive to others emotions? For instance I befriend people and do everything in my power to make sure they're never hurt and that I'm always there for them but I can just as easily cut off communication and not mean to. I seem to care about others emotions and I'll wish endlessly to take away the pain their feeling while also running from letting them know anything about me.

for sure! for a lot of people with avpd, myself included, hypersensitivity is a way to gauge others’ thoughts on us. the problem that can be caused by avpd is thinking that it’s in the benefit of others to not see us as much or not talk to us as much [”they wouldn’t want to see me anyay,” “i’d only make them feel bad,” et cetera].

Welp my mom just told me she's NOT divorcing my dad

Thanks you two for putting our family through hell and then being like “jk never mind” and then she asked me why I wasn’t elated that the family is staying together and I was like BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW AND I REFUSE TO PRETEND LIKE THIS WASNT A BIG FUCKING DEAL

Then when she started telling me more details about my dad’s affair and her feelings I told her that I can’t be her emotional support right now. I said that I wish I could and I love her and want her to be happy but I can’t be her therapist/friend and she got angry and said “well maybe you need to think about WHY you can’t do that.”

I am so angry

So so so so so angry and hurt and confused

And we have a *~*~family dinner*~*~ tonight and if I don’t walk out in the middle of it it will be a miracle

Like I can’t even imagine how hard this has been for her but she doesn’t get to cry wolf with DIVORCE and then expect everything to be the same

maija-12  asked:

I'm thinking about house rules in preparation for the arrival of my spirit companion this week. Do you guys have house rules? If so, what are they?

We do! our contract is very long, but it comes down to 10 main points.

1. Do not hurt anyone, no matter what we think or feel, unless we blatantly say it. 

2. Be kind to each other, and to us.

3. Protect us to the best of your ability.

4. Do not piss off the house spirits.

5. Don’t hesitate to ask for things you desire.

6. Don’t hesitate to form relationships.

7. Don’t hesitate to go visit family and friends.

8. Do not energetically feed off of me or any of my loved ones.

9. Do your best to bring constructive energy to every situation.

10. Know that you are loved and respected, above all.

The level of abuse being inflicted upon me from my Mom right now is outrageous. I don’t even know what to do because all I keep thinking about is the fact that my Aunt is gone, my cousins are hurting, and that I have to go to the memorial service on Thursday with the chaos that is my family. My Mom’s psychosis will make everything that much more worse.

How fucking disgraceful.

anonymous asked:

sometimes it feels like everything is coming down on me and i get so angry for no reason and all i can do is think about hurting myself and ive told my parents and they keep saying theyre gonna get me help but they havent and now that school started its gotten worse and i just cant handle it anymore and i dont know what to do

My personal advice is to find some “me time” where you can put yourself first and enjoy your own company without thinking deeply. Sometimes things will get complicated and it is beyond our reach to fix them. Difficulties are present in every aspect of our lives our job is to face them with our heads up, our hearts open and our mind at ease. Try to think without overthinking; I think that is the best thing you could do, try to address to one situation at a time and avoid stressing yourself with things you cannot fix. I hope you can find your way above this situation and come out stronger than ever

Dear H (b.b.),

So this is for sure my last letter to you. It’s literally been like two days since i saw you last, and you are already searing everything I’m supposed to be thinking about and replacing it with you.  

I just had to tell you one last time, i love you. 

I love you so much. And i just want to see you happy. Which is why im not upset with you. It hurts, being cut off from you. (I know it’s only been two days) 

But, i know you won’t talk to me again. I thought we were building something, i guess not. 

I refuse to apologize, i just hope you take care of yourself. 

I assume this is what you wanted to do from the beginning but neither of us were strong enough

Until he came around. And then all of the ups and downs became too much (trust me i understand) 

Anyway, i hope it all works out. 

But. 

      I only wrote this letter to tell you two things.

2. I will not talk to you anymore unless you reach out to me. And i will try my hardest to let you go until then, You’ve made it clear that you want to open yourself up to “new opportunities” so i won’t interfere. That last text i sent you was my last text to you. So If you want to talk. You’ve my number. 

1. My hope for us hasnt changed. I love you

-J (p.w.)

spn-4-eva  asked:

So I live in Australia and in my area WOTW comes out at midnight and it's 7:30 pm now and I just remembered that WOTW is coming out tonight and I squealed out loud and my brother just walked in my room coz he thought I was hurt😹❤️ (also I think SOL-squealed out loud- is the new LOL)

Yes yes WOTW coming out today! For me it’s 5pm that I upload it, and it’s about 4:44 here now and it shall be up in about 15 minutes :D I am just a control freak sometimes haha but it’s good because this way you know when to expect your stories! Oh and it will be a long one! ^-^ Haha better warn your brother the next times because there might be quiet a few chapters left ;) 

Everybody Hurts

<b>This is a prequel to my Jail Cell verse in which Robin came over with the first curse. In this story, Henry knows about the curse and has known about it since Regina told him as a little boy. Let me know what you think.</b>


“He’s not that bad, Mom” Henry tried, placing his bookbag atop the kitchen counter and laughing when she shot him a look that read ‘I beg to differ’ before she turned her attention back to the strawberries she was slicing and dropping into the two bowls of vanilla yogurt she’d already prepared for them. “Really, he’s not,” and when she feigned ignorance - also pretended that she wasn’t completely into his gym teacher - he added “I think he likes you.” and that got her attention.

“Henry!” she scolded, eyes wide and lips parted in shock when she stilled her movements. The knife was held frozen mid-chop as she looked at him from her side of the counter.

“What?” he shrugged before dropping himself down to sit on one of the barstools, twisting himself at the waist to rotate from side to side nonchalantly with his eyes on the granite surface, “it’s just an observation.”

She cursed herself sometimes for having read to him so much when he was younger and even now, it was harder arguing with a literate pre-teen than an illiterate one, that was for sure. She released a heavy breath, her shoulders tense as she turned back to the fruit on the chopping board and continued with what she was doing as she told him “a poor one, sweetheart.” because it was, Robin didn’t like her, hell, the man hated her just as much as she did him…or at least as much as she pretended to. “Mr Locksley and I can barely tolerate being in the same room as one another” - a lie - “never mind believing that we could ever like each other.”

Henry didn’t push it further, merely gave another noncommittal shrug - one that Regina didn’t believe for a second - before taking the bowl from her with a murmur of thanks when she leaned over the counter to give it to him with cautious eyes. He kept his expression carefully uninterested as he pushed his fruit through his yogurt to coat it properly before telling her “well, it’s parent-teacher conferences soon,” and taking a mouthful in order to hold off any further conversation for the moment.

She levelled her son with a steady glare when she looked up from her own bowl to find him watching her with the beginnings of a devious grin curling his lips, “what are you up to Henry Daniel Mills?” she asked though it was posed more as a statement of suspicion than a question, she knew him too well to believe him to be anything other than playfully - and harmlessly no matter how disastrous it could turn out - manipulative when it came to things like this, something she felt he’d inherited from her.

He shrugged again though this time he allowed his grin to grow and split his mouth to show his teeth as he laughed through his nose in a way that had her stomach tensing with anticipation for what her son had planned. “Nothing to worry your pretty little head over, mother.” he replied finally when he’d swallowed his food. She was about to prod him for more information when he spied the ingredients she’d laid out earlier beside the stove ready for when he got home from school and exclaimed “are we making pizza!?”

She rolled her eyes though felt nothing but affection for him as she teased “well, we were going to but…”

“Please, Mom!”

His excitement was infectious and she couldn’t help but allow her grin to spread as she rolled her eyes and told him “fine!” before warning with feigned seriousness “but this isn’t over, young man.”

“I didn’t expect it to be,” he replied on a laugh before attacking his after-school snack with more vigour in order to get to the pizza making quicker. It was a weekly tradition of theirs but she never picked one specific day to do it, always wanting to keep the experience fresh and fun. She loved cooking with her boy, having him close-by, bumping her hip against his side whilst they kneaded dough and competed for the most original pizza toppings on their separate designs. If she never had anything else in this world, he would be enough.

+++

“I still think yours could have done with more cheese,” he commented as she leaned down enough to pass him his hot cocoa, ensuring he wouldn’t spill any of the scalding liquid on himself before shaking her head at him and moving to sit on his other side, grinning when he instantly handed her his mug in order to lean down and pick up the blanket he’d left on the floor of the living room, ready to pull over their legs.

“You say that every time,” she gave back on a laugh before offering his cup back to him when he’d settled and their knees were covered and reaching for the remote control to begin the movie, silently reveling in the feel of him pressed against her side, cuddled in.

They watched as the romantic leads were established, still in animated form, both ‘made to finish’ the other’s duet, “that’s stupid, how would he know the song!? He’s never even met her!” and had both laughed when Giselle had fallen through the portal and found herself in the real world and in live action form. Henry had exclaimed that Robert was then his favourite after watching him stumble rather confusedly through a park full of people, again, singing a song they had no way of knowing.

They’d watched the Queen and Nathaniel’s many failed attempts at poisoning the prospective princess and found themselves rather touched when it had been Robert’s kiss that had woken Giselle from her cursed sleep and the redheaded songstress who’d been the one to save her love instead of the other way around for once. They’d watched as Edward and Nancy had gotten married back in the other world and grinned as a new family had been formed from the most unlikely three. Then, as the credits had rolled, he’d noticed his mother growing rather quiet.

He reached over her lap to grab at the remote, turning the television off completely and leaving them lit only by the crackling fire still burning in the hearth. He tried to figure the best wording for his question, not wanting to upset her too much before he asked, somewhat rhetorically “she’ll be here soon, won’t she?”

She turned to him with tear glossed eyes and a lip that trembled all the more with his question because “yes.” They’d had this conversation a thousand times over since he’d been old enough to understand and she’d had 28 years to ready herself for the Savior’s arrival but still, “I’m not ready to be known as her again, Henry.” She shook her head as more tears fell, the image of the Evil Queen Narissa still rather vivid in her mind, her garish and overstated final costume not all that different from what Regina’s own wardrobe had been, “I’m not that person anymore.”

“I know that, Mom” he reassured her, placing his hand over the back of hers with eyes that reassured as he told her “and so will everyone else,” and when she continued to look doubtful “you just need to give them time.”

Regina let out a breath of mirthless laughter before explaining gently “time is something I stole from them, Henry” her fingers tightened around his “I doubt they’d be willing to give me a chance even if I gave it back to them.”

“You gave Graham his heart back,” he stated gently, “and I didn’t even ask you to, you just did because you realised that it was wrong.” He shook his head when her tears only continued and pointed out “you’ve been trying to make up for your mistakes for so long Mom, Ruby loves you, Granny thinks of you as her daughter and you even helped wake David up - they’ll see it, Mom” he told her, such belief in his words, “I know they will.”

She smiled wetly at him, placing a hand at the far side of his head to pull him closer and kiss his temple lovingly. He allowed the movement and smiled himself as he wrapped his arms around her waist and settled heavier against her before continuing “and if they don’t then it’s me they’ll have to get past to hurt you anyway.”

He’d wanted her to laugh, to chuckle softly at him in that way she usually did when he was being purposefully foolish but instead her whole body tensed as she told him “if that were to happen, Henry. If they were to come for me-”

“They won’t.”

“They might.” She amended, despite knowing that they more than likely will come for her once the curse breaks, “I need you to promise me that you will get to some place safe. I don’t think they’d hurt you but in the mind frame they’ll be in,” she sighed, “I won’t take that chance.”

“I’m not leaving you, Mom.”

“It would only be for a little while, until things settled down.”

“I don’t care,” he argued, tightening his hold on her waist as though waiting for her to send him off right that moment, “I’m not going.”

She sighed once more, her heart heavy. With the breaking of the curse would come the return of magic and though she’d vowed a long time ago that, should she ever have her magic back, she’d never use it on her boy, if it came to it, she’d have to just to ensure his safety.

She didn’t argue the point further, instead she merely dropped the side of her head to rest atop his before whispering an emotional “I love you, Henry.”

He nodded against her, “I know,” and it soothed her aching heart as she allowed a tear to fall from her closed eye. “I love you too, Mom.”

anonymous asked:

My FP is my boyfriend... But I split in him because I know he doesn't care about me. He doesn't like to talk to me so I try to hide my disorder from him and it hurts me. The other night I went out with my friends and this guy gave me his jacket and told me I need to gain weight which I really appreciated because... I do and he noticed, he's been talking to me since and I think he might be my new FP. Anyway I feel guilty... For having a new FP. Then I'm mad at myself because I know I deserve it.

you don’t deserve to feel guilty. you can’t help who your fp is. also im sorry that it feels like that with your boyfriend. for now, id wait and see what becomes of you and your new maybe fp before you go and break up with your boyfriend

anonymous asked:

Alma Lokidottir!!! I literally screamed my god this is going to be awesome and its gonna hurt a lot(I think you're gonna break us). You have now awakened the Loki fangirl within me so imma recommend a few peeps, proantagonist, lise, scarecrowslady, JaggedCliff, and that is all i can remember right now. Alma Lokidottir my god you are the best I'm so excited. Thank you for being awesome. (*whispers* Sorry for the unnecessary recs)

*beam* I’m glad you’re looking forward to it! I’ve been juggling Alma around for a while - Bruce and Betty were both considered previously, and I think Thor came up too - and only just now settled, as I’m sure you saw. And of course it will hurt. It’s Alma and Loki. *wicked grin*

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR RECS! I’m not a Loki girl (ironically) so I only have a few fics in store, and it’ll be good to have some characterization sources given that I now need an entire redemption arc. (*whispers back* How do I redemption arc)

anonymous asked:

I saw under the YouTube comments on the scene with Emma and the oracle and someone said it could be CS future child and I literally burst out laughing, why would their kid go back into the past to show their mom dying?! That would stop them from ever bein born. But you never know ;)

That sounds… weird. It’s not really a theory I’d subscribe to, but you never know! Really, there’s a lot of possibilities at this point, so it’s too soon to count anything out entirely. But I’m with you on this one. It seems like a far reach to me. Also, I hope there isn’t a CS baby anytime too soon. I’m sick of all these damn babies D:

And on second watch, I’m even more convinced that Oracle’s staff looks like Jafar’s serpent staff… I think Henry’s comment about how villains will say anything in order to hurt someone has meaning beyond Hades and Regina’s situation with Robin. I think it applies to this Oracle, as well. She is BAD NEWS.

like there are some posts on here that sound condescending and make hurtful assumptions about people who like things…like some the ships i’ve enjoyed in the past were canon gay relationships between dudes, so i’ve seen my fair share of posts that felt like personal attacks on me for being some sort of fetishistic homophobic straight girl when that’s…literally not me and other fans that i know/interact with on a daily basis. 

but i’ve been on the other end of that line of thinking? like sometimes i am mean and i make snap judgements about you-who-wrote-that-salty-text-post and how you’re a dick, or you crazy person who ships something i think is gross, and yknow i realize that i haven’t been on my best behavior on this blog, in this fandom, either. 

so like…idk. just take a deep breath, realize that everyone’s a person, and do the thing you’re procrastinating on by spending time on this blue hell. 

While I recognize that Morpheus was being played by Fetus!Stiltskin in the premiere, perhaps Robin Hood will be showing up in Regina’s dreams thanks to Morpheus or the sleeping curse she never got around to giving herself back in season 3. Either way, I’m intrigued how they’ll reincorporate him back into the story. Personally, I have many scenarios that would work for me (reincarnation, untold story, Regina getting to go back and correct not going into the tavern…), but I’m also trying to keep an open mind and hope they don’t do something so asinine it hurts my brain to think about. 

this isn’t anything new, but promoting it some more wouldn’t hurt, right? anyways, this is that reincarnation au fic. aka the fic i feel most proud about. it’s been complete for a while now (i forgot to update here), so if you want something to spend time with, give it a read and tell me what you think! :D

Traced in Ash.

im reading these posts, wondering at the abuse that i suffered. i wasn’t physically harmed, but emotionally neglected and stifled. i wasn’t allowed to feel hurt or angry without being told i was acting like a “fucking bitch,” especially by my sister who i think was the most abusive towards me and from whom i have the most emotional trauma. now, i internalize so much of my anger that i get into such a rage when i do express anger or i turn my anger onto myself and cut.

i also think about my mother. i see all these posts about abusive mothers and i don’t know how to feel. my mother hardly yelled at me and very rarely hit me, but that’s the thing. she wasn’t overtly abusive, she just didn’t pay me any attention. she didn’t care about anything that i did or wanted. she still doesn’t. she might love me as her child, someone she birthed, but she doesn’t actually care about me at all. i did and do and probably will always feel like an afterthought, the youngest and least important.