it's-me-by-the-way

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twd positivity project week one: how I started watching

To the surprise of many, I was actually very stubborn about watching TWD. My family and friends were all watching and obsessing over it when the beginning of season 3 was airing. They all kept pushing me to watch too but I just wouldn’t give in. Especially since it was a zombie show. I kept saying “I don’t like stuff like that” …which I didn’t actually hate zombie stuff, I just hated getting scared and I assumed the show was all about being scary. Then one day I went to visit my grandparent’s. When I walked in, they’d paused the TV and I just knew they were watching TWD. I rolled my eyes…then looked at the screen to see that it said “Chupacabra” …which had me thinking, wtf even is this show? My grandparents told me they HAD to finish this episode so I was gonna have to go in the other room. My grandma then offered to let me log in to their Netflix on my laptop and watch the pilot in the meantime. I finally gave in… And as I was watching I wasn’t quite hooked but it kept me interested. Then at the very end of the episode, when Glenn went over that walkie talkie with the iconic “hey dumbass” line…and the pan out shot of the herd of walkers with that song playing… I was a goner. I couldn’t believe how good it was. The comedic effect in the midst of such a terrifying situation. I loved it. I walked out of the room to my grandparents like… dammit, I’ve gotta continue. My life hasn’t been the same since.

For the first time in a very long time, I’m actually inspired to work on my book again. I think it’s cause I put a lot of new music on my phone that reminds me of it (*cough* Rise Against *cough*). Maybe I’ll be able to binge and get the first chapter done, and make it available to read ^-^

on [my] gender

I’ve been meaning to put this into words for a while now. I am agender, I don’t associate myself with either binary gender, I like to dress ‘masculine’ as much as I enjoy dressing ‘feminine’ and that doesn’t invalidate my gender, and I know that

but I also know that other people perceive me as being female. I’m reminded of that every time my dad refuses to use my name, every time my language forces me to pick “he” or “she”… for simplicity’s sake I use “she,” that’s what I grew up with, that’s what’s easier for others. and no matter how comfortable I am with my gender, no matter how open I am about it… I still know that the world at large sees a woman in me, and that makes me very very uncomfortable, because no matter how hard I try I’m not unaffected by it.

I see myself in wlw posts but I can’t rightfully claim to be part of that group because I am not a woman. or do I have that right because the world perceives me as such, because of my genitals, because of the way I was brought up/look/sound? (I don’t think so)

my attraction to girls is gay/”same-sex” because, again, I was raised a girl. I want to be able to say “I’m gay for that boy” too, since my lack of gender means I’m gay for everyone, but I can’t. I don’t feel like I’ve got the right to talk like that. I am agender, but in almost every context of my life I act as a “woman” so… what am I?

Good God the part of this SU episode that hit me the most was how they used Garnet as a visual aid for the kids’ trauma.

Sapphire and Ruby didn’t get specific fears or thoughts, even if that would’ve been very easy to include. Instead, they got imagery that very clearly focused on their reactions and the consequences of flawed coping mechanisms. Ruby is prone to self-destructive hyperfocus on one thought, completely incapable of moving past it. Sapphire is “calm and collected” because she lets thoughts pile up until she completely overloads and shuts down.

With the mechanics of each coping flaw well-established, Ruby settles next to Connie, passing that imagery on to her. Connie was obsessing over the fact that she went into automatic panic mode and attacked that kid (understandably so). She’s scared of herself, and Ruby was there to show how heavily a single worry can weigh on someone so one-track-minded–to the point of both being blind to their partner’s distress.

Sapphire settles next to Steven. The one who’s always okay and always ready to go until he can’t push it aside any longer and completely shuts down. He didn’t even react to their falling to the presumed death. We saw Sapphire’s breakdown with the visual metaphor of that maelstrom of thoughts spiraling in on her like vultures. Now we have a sense of magnitude for what’s weighing on Steven, and how many things he’s been holding back because he doesn’t want to confront them.

Connie’s ready to tear herself apart over one butterfly. Steven didn’t acknowledge the butterflies as they showed up because if he faced one he’d have to face them all, which is far too much.

Garnet was and always is great every time I see her, but wow what a brilliant and gut-wrenching way to show how much these kids need help.