it's time to work a little harder

How to become a good student (again) 4: Layer Yourself to Merge Yourself

Hello, fellow ex-good student!

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife and hide yo husband, cause I’m about to drop the p-bomb:

That’s right… p…p…pro…

PROCRASTINATION!

I know. I know. The moment has come, man. Procrastination has cost me so many hours of my life that I will never get back and I guess it’s the same for you.
Here’s a bit of a secret - the first three posts so far? They were actually also about procrastination. Specifically, they were about WHY you or I might procrastinate.
1. Because you’re overwhelmed by choices
2. Because, goddamnit, it’s HARD to to start
3. Because you have a screwed up relationship with studying

Now, in this post, we will be tying these threads together by looking at the WHAT and the HOW. You’ve examined the roots, you’ve gotten rid of the pesky little bugs living down there, so… WHAT is procrastination really and HOW do you defeat it and actually start studying?

Procrastinaton, for me, is a state of mind, a surround sound and most of all: a place - it’s LIMBO. It’s physically being unable to do something. Being caught in a web (very often the world wide one). Drowning in water. Being pulled apart, gaining momentum, losing control, cotton in my ears, the heat of shame in my chest, a thousand voices in my mind that I try to silence.

“You should be -”
“You have to -”
“You must -”

“Do something, do something, do something, anything, anything, anything, anything”
“You loser, you can’t even -”
“YOU USED TO BE GREAT and now you’re just-”

I hate myself while doing it. I feel horrible. I feel useless.
But at the same time, at the very bottom of my mind, there is something that I’ve refused to acknowledge for the longest time: a sense of pleasure.
Why
do I feel this weird sense of pleasure when I procrastinate? Why do I feel pleasure when I know I’m sabotaging my future through inaction? When I’m digging myself into a deeper and deeper grave? When I hate myself at the same time? Why do I procrastinate at all? Is it because of that underlying ironic pleasure?

Well, to find the answer to those questions, we first need to ask ourselves a bigger one: what is the OPPOSITE of limbo? If limbo is being caught in the middle of nowhere, floating, glitching, slowly imploding, then what is the opposite?
I’d say it’s movement, direction and action - you being in charge and moving things along, having agency, being alive and powerful and energetic and hot. I’d say it’s FLOW.

When I was a child, I had little to no problem syncing in and out of flow. It just came to me like second nature and I LOVED it. I loved the way my brain buzzed and I completely forgot about my surroundings. I loved disappearing into ideas, books, stories, video games, homework, a teacher’s lesson, a friend’s story, my own projects. I went in and out as I pleased and could turn it on and off like a light switch. It was so. much. fun. and I was so, so lucky to have had the privilege of such a talent.

Back then, I used to ache and hunger for a challenge. Things were smooth and easy and fun, but I wanted MORE - harder exercises, deeper questions, more challenging teachers. When I told my father about that, he smiled and said

“Be happy. You have put so much work into this. This is the moment it’s all paying off - you’ve turned and turned and turned your wheel and now it’s running smoothly along the street without even noticing how uneven the ground is.”

He was right, of course, but as time went on, I became more and dissatisfied with my smooth little wheel and started to procrastinate more and more. Why? And, again: where does the pleasure at procrastinating come from?

I’d argue that there are two main factors and one huge reason:

FACTOR 1: The wheel didn’t deliver on its promises

I already mentioned this in the very first post, but basically: disillusionment. I loved working hard, but I also expected it to pay off at some point. However, apart from the occasional pat on the head from a teacher or my parents’ smiles, there wasn’t all that much to be gained. There were no harder exercises, no special treatments, no big revelations - even university, my very last bastion of hope turned out to be a glorified bouncy castle.
I was just bored and the work I put into it wasn’t worth the outcome anymore. The system had failed me.

FACTOR 2: Suddenly, there were a lot of wheels

It is easy to glorify my younger self, but, really, child-me had it a lot easier.
Child-me only had one wheel to spin (school) and as I grew older, I realized that there were, well, many other wheels I had neglected.
I had a lot of catching up to do in areas like empathy, charisma, self-confidence and self-worth outside of academia, humour and fashion. And when I left school, there were even MORE wheels: suddenly, I also had to keep my job, my apartment, my much more complicated social life, my manifold hobbies and a somewhat healthy sleep schedule going.
I wasn’t prepared for this abundance of wheels. I’d grown up thinking that as long as I could keep the one wheel I was good at spinning (academia), I’d be juuuuust dandy. Well, I was wrong and I realized that, once again the system had failed me.

If only I’d had better teachers. If only I’d listened to the good ones. If only I’d worked the problem earlier. If only I was part of a better system that would recognize and foster my talents. Who knows how much I could achieve? Who knows how much I could have ALREADY achieved?

And that’s where the pleasure of procrastination comes from.
It is defiance. It is rebellion. It is a big “FUCK YOU” to the system that failed me. It is a “Look at me! I’m operating outside the system and I’m STILL getting semi-good grades. I don’t need any of you. I don’t need any of this. I’m playing by MY rules. I’m getting shit done MY way. Because YOUR way disappointed me. Because I am FREE.”

If, at this point, you’re starting to feel sorry for me (or yourself for being in a similar situation) …that’s exactly the problem. There’s really no way to say this nicely, so here we go:

PROCRASTINATION IS NO MORE AND NO LESS THAN A GLORIFIED VICTIM COMPLEX.

Let me explain.
When you procrastinate, doesn’t it feel like you HAVE TO do things? Like you’re being FORCED to do something? Like you’re POWERLESS? Like you’re STUCK? Like you’re SUFFERING? Like you’re AT THE MERCY of your negative thoughts, the system or you’re conscience? Like you’re being WHIPPED AROUND? Like you crave recognition of your SUFFERING? Like you don’t have a choice except RUNNING AWAY and not facing what you’re FORCED to face?

All of these thoughts and emotions put you in the position of a sufferer - a victim.

You see yourself as a victim of the system, the school, the state, the assignment you should be working on. You deliver yourself unto their power. You submit to a simple dichotomy: I HAVE to do this or I SHOULD FEEL like shit.
I HAVE to do this, so I MUST suffer and accept the infringement of my freedom.

Well, let me tell you something that just about changed my life when I fully, deeply and profoundly realized the truth behind these words:

YOU 
DON’T 
HAVE
TO 
DO 
SHIT. 


…or a bit more eloquently put:

You’re the one in control.

No, honestly. You are. 

If you wanted to, you could throw it all into the wind, take the next train to nowhere and see where life takes you. But do you want to do that? 
And, the even bigger question: why do you feel SO powerless that this small, stupid act of rebellion against The System is enough to intoxicate you SO much that you keep coming back to suckle on its sweet, sweet bitter nectar?

It’s because you feel trapped. It’s because you feel lost. 
It’s because you feel like you have so much potential and it’s all going to FUCKING waste and if somebody were to just give you a FUCKING hand you could really show everybody just how much you can FUCKING do and-

-let me stop you right there and let me ask you 4 questions:

QUESTION 1)
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are …but what’s the use of your intelligence if you can’t use it to improve your own life?

If you’re anything like me, you find it very easy and rewarding to help other people with their problems. You easily see the roots of problems and the ways that conflicts could be resolved. You’re an excellent trouble-shooter and a strategist in video games and for your friends… but what about your own life? Why do you ACCEPT playing the role of the victim in your own life?

Why do you accept this suffering?

Long story short: because you’ve grown used to it.

You’ve forgotten what it feels like to make active choices, to exert your full agency and to take full responsibility for whatever mess might come of it. Leading me to…

Question 2)
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but what’s the use of your intelligence if you don’t take anything seriously?

Be honest: when was the last time you took anything seriously and gave it your all? …no? Nothing?


Well, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you know the neat excuse of “eh, I was just winging it, but if I REALLY tried-” and do you know what that is? It’s cowardice and it’s self-victimization.

I know I’m coming on very strong.
But the truth is this: I know this. I know this because I’ve been living this. I’ve been living a second-hand life that I allowed to be ruled by “the system” and guilt and made-up obligations …and I almost lost myself in the process.

Maybe you can realize it with me: It’s some time ago, I wake up in the middle of the night and randomly feel like taking an IQ test online. I’m still half-asleep, I roll onto my stomach, I don’t even sit up, I meander my way through the questions. Shit. I realize that time is running out and I haven’t even finished ¾ of the questions! I panick. I feel guilty. I finally sit up. I start trying harder. I’m getting faster and faster - faster than I ever thought possible. And despite 5 minutes of good effort - 
I fail. Hard.
And as I sit there in my dark room, my unbelievably sucky result glowing on the screen of my mobile phone and I look out of the window, I realize: this has been my life for the past 5 years. Winging stuff at not even 50% of my capacity and being hurt by the results. Honestly, when WAS the last time I took anything really seriously? 

The next day, I get 8 hours of sleep, sit down in front of my laptop with a bottle of water, search for the most professional IQ test I can find and concentrate from the very beginning. I score 30 points higher. 

Let me repeat that: I scored 30 points higher on an IQ test because I actually tried. Magical things can happen if you take stuff seriously.

Leading us to

Question 3)
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but when was the last time your intelligence has brought you joy?

Maybe you’re familiar with the phrase “The burnt child dreads the fire”? When I thought back on my academic progress in the last years, I realized that there really hadn’t been much joy anywhere. Pretty much everything had sucked. 

Big time.

Of course I wouldn’t want to invest my energy into something that didn’t yield any good results … right?

Wrong. My lack of good results was only an indicator for the real problem: my lack of effort.
The simple truth is this: 
We are smart. We enjoy doing what we are good at. We enjoy hard mental work, REGARDLESS of the results.
But once I started to focus too much on the results and thought it was all about having a great CV and min-maxing my grades… I just didn’t have fun anymore. I didn’t allow myself to have fun anymore. To disappear into a world of thoughts like I used to as a child. To invest way too much time into a project, to have an absolute BLAST creating something complex and outstanding and super cool. 

Bringing us to…

Question 4) 
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but can you really create something extraordinary?

See that’s the thing: when I was a child, I didn’t just take school seriously.
I wanted to go the extra mile. 
And honestly? That was the whole secret. I wanted to create something that wasn’t just special but mind-blowingly special. It’s not like I knew I had it in me, but rather that I wanted grow to have more and more in me and I knew that the only way to do that was to challenge myself again and again.
That’s the difference between viewing your intelligence and your capabilities as stagnant or growing. There is no joy and no truth in regarding yourself as stagnant - the best of violin players started out sounding like a dying cat and the best athletes kept stumbling. If you want to create and become something extraordinary, you need to know that it will not happen overnight. You need to know that it will be a slow, hard and challenging hike up a hill and the only thing that keeps you climbing is your willingness to go the extra mile so you can see the view become more and more beautiful.

The real pleasure of studying is not getting good results and bragging rights - that’s just a cool side-effect. The real pleasure of studying is studying and that means working and knowing that working gets you one step ahead one step at a time.

So HOW can you change? HOW can you regain control? How can you consciously go from limbo to flow?
First of all:

1) RECLAIM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AND YOUR PASSION

The first thing I tell myself in the morning is “My life is in my hands.”
That’s not always an easy sentence to start with, especially if I haven’t slept well or if I’m sick or in the middle of a fight or an existential crisis or just crabby.
But it’s always true. It’s MY life and it’s my responsibility to make the best of it. 

One poem in particular has really helped me, so who knows, maybe it’ll help some of you guys as well:

The Vow

No matter how deep the sadness or wide the pain,
I vow to live for a brighter day will come again.

No matter how many mistakes I’ve made in the past,
I vow to live and in the future avoid them, surefooted and fast.

No matter how many tragedies beyond my control take place,
I vow to live and stay my course within this race.

No matter how poor or rich I may ever be,
I vow to live and aspire to search for the dignity in simplicity.

No matter how much a lover may pierce the inner core of my heart,
I vow to live for like spring I’ll get a new start.

No matter how isolated and alone I may feel,
I vow to live and do something for someone else to heal.

No matter how hopeless my situation my appear,
I vow to live and reflect until my viewpoint is clear.

No matter what happens in this life – good or bad
I vow to live, do my best, and just for living – be glad.

– Malcolm O. Varner

If you want to find pleasure in studying again, you need to embrace your own passion.
I know it’s a lot “cooler” to be indifferent towards studying, to procrastinate, to do it almost out of spite and at the last minute. But is it really?
No one wins. It’s not rewarding. It’s not fulfilling. You’ll have forgotten it in a week. It just sucks for everyone involved. Love what you do. Love it like you would a lover. Be considerate, be tender and be patient.
It must not feel like an obligation. It must feel like a passion - a fiery want for new horizons, mentals fireworks and lightbulb moments. It must come from yourself, from your bowels, your fibres, your blood - not from some ominous outside force. 

“I have to do this.” -> “I want to do this!”
“I’m losing time. There is so much I have to do, I want to be done with this already.” -> “I want to give this my time. This is absolutely worth it. I really want to be doing this right now.”
“Be fast. Be faster.” -> “Slow down. Be patient. Cherish this moment.”
“This is hard. I hate it. I hate it so much.” -> “This is challenging. I love it. I love it so much.”
“I can make this perfect, it has to be perfect! I could give this my all, I can give this my all. If I’m not giving this my all, I’m a complete and utter failure. Better not try at all rather than screwing it up. Again.”   -> “This is a work-in-progress, just like anything else. I am sure I can improve it bit by bit, by devoting some of my time to it. Even if I don’t get very far today, I’m sure the experience will pay off in the long run and I might find some unrelated ideas for other projects!”

You must go from this:

To that:

2) MAKE ACTIVE CHOICES.

(Like, maybe make the choice NOT to wear that speedo)

Because that’s really what it comes down to in the end: CHOICE. Nobody actively chooses to procrastinate. Procrastination is the absence of choice. 

Years of little to no success make you feel like your choices don’t matter -> you feel like you cannot influence anything -> you might as well not try -> you procrastinate.
But here’s the thing: your choices DO matter (DITCH that speedo!) and you must regain that trust in yourself.

We NEED to be able to make choices about their own lives. It makes us feel powerful and like we are truly alive.
It makes us feel like we are, you guessed it, in the flow.

Now, of course it’d be nice if I told you “Make conscious choices sweaty <3 ;*” and you’d go out and do it and that was it. But, truth be told, it’s hella hard to get there and it will take you at least a year of constant effort.
For me, this year meant constantly asking myself “Wait, do I REALLY want to do this right now?” and establishing a neat rule for all media consumption that goes “Always enrichment, never escape”. But, as I said, that’s a work-in-progress and something that you will have to work on in your own time and at your own pace.
Luckily, I found a shortcut :D

Now, the shortcut does not replace the year of constant effort, mind you, but it can help to make it a lot easier:

THE STUDY ROOM

What’s the “Study Room”? Well…
You might have been wondering what the title “Layer Yourself to Merge Yourself” is all about. This was my thought process:

  • 1) I want to get from limbo to flow
  • 2) And I want studying to feel like a reward in and of itself
  • 3) And it’d be nice if I could concentrate on just spinning one wheel at a time, so I can really lose myself in it
  • 4) I also want it to be a conscious choice, so I can train my decision-making process
  • ….
  • ….but how?
  • …”fake it till you make it” or what, haha?
  • ….I guess what that really means is that you have to act like you’re already there until you’re there?
  • …so, like, you have to artifically induce naturalness?
  • …haha, wouldn’t it be neat if I could do that and “transform” into my “study-form” like the Avatar or a magical girl or a superhero or something?
  • …..
  • …wait. Wait. WAIT. What if I COULD?
  • What if there was a “me” that was specifically always in the flow and already loves and is good at studying and which I only access whenever I want to study?
  • So I create a new “me”, so that, over time, we can become one again and I can change into that “me” whenever I want?
  • …cool.
  • …but how?
  • I could always go to a special place, but that would limit me whenever that place wasn’t availabe.
  • …buuuuuut…..
  • …..what if it was a place I could ALWAYS access?
  • what if it was a place in my MIND?
  • ….
  • …..holy SHIT.

And that’s how the “Study Room” was born. Below, I will detail the journey to my personal “study room”, but I wager that everybody’s study room will look a little different depending on what makes you feel most comfortable, rational and “in the flow”.

STEP 1 - DETACH FROM LIMBO

Close your eyes. Lean back.
Do it with me now. Consider this your tutorial. Bring yourself to a screeching halt, throw an anchor into the the ground of the stormy sea, pull the brakes, just - stop. Stop. Slow down.
Close your eyes, lean back, keep your eyes closed for a good minute - god, how long a minute can be, right?- and feel your breathing consciously, slowly, feel how you are alive and full of hunger, feel how your heart beats, feel how much tension has built up inside of you, how much energy has been stored and how much you actually ache to do something meaningful. Feel it. Keep your eyes closed until you feel it. Then, come back to me.

STEP 2 - BECOME AWARE OF REALITY

I don’t know if you’ll need this step, but I live very much inside my head and limbo just makes that effect even stronger. So, I like to remind myself of my physicality, of my spatial realness, of my ability to perceive and interact with the world in this step. I re-connect with the world and it slows me down even more - it’s a bit like hooking myself into this world, so limbo can’t claim me so easily.
I drink a glass of water, I eat a carrot, I touch a cold tile, I feel the texture of a pillow, I play with my own hair - if I’m in public, like in a library, I usually just brush over my lips or grip the table unobtrusively. It’s a small step, one that usually doesn’t take longer than 10 seconds, but it’s one that has helped me a lot.

(When I’m really caught up in limbo, I usually lie down on the floor in my room. That works wonders)

STEP 3 - ENTER YOUR STUDY PLACE

At this point, I close my eyes again and visualize. I enter another world, the world of studying in my mind.

STEP 3A - THE DOOR

My eyes are still closed and imagine a dark, circular room: this is the entrance to my Study Room ™. I stand in the middle of the room - there is one door right in front of me, two to my left and two to my right. I have no idea what’s behind those other doors or why my imagination has conjured up a room like that, but hey, it works and here we are.
I gather all my concentration and repeat “My life is in my hands. I take on the responsibility for my own life. I WANT to learn. I CHOOSE this.” to myself. Then, I consciously choose to walk in only one direction, channeling all my thoughts into a straight line: towards the door right in front of me. I enter through it - somehow, I never have to actually open it, so it might be more like an open doorway?

STEP 3B - THE WATER

I step through the door and find myself in a space filled with water. I have absolutely no trouble breathing and I can easily swim, turn, glide and spiral like a dolphin. The water washes the last remnants of limbo off me, I feel my tensions washing away, my mind waking up, the wheel starting to move, my chest feeling lighter, my heart feeling hotter, my breathing going slow and steady. I swim in this liminal space for as long as I need to, I revel, I breathe, I wallow, I luxuriate until I feel ready to emerge from the water.
(wonder what psychologists would say about this little ritual - is it a literal re-birth? is this the womb? who knows? it works and that’s good enough for me right now …now that I think about it, that beach scene from Gravity might have been an inspiration. Man, I loved that movie already, but that ending?? Aaaaanyway, moving on…)

STEP 3C - THE WORLD

Then, I swim upwards and emerge from the water, head-first. The sun is warm and shines on my head and I step out of the water with bare feet, toes curling around grass and my lungs breathing in fresh forest air. Somewhere, a bird is singing, white clouds are languidly drifting by, all is warm, comfortable and good. I sit down on a giant mushroom by a tree (hey, don’t ask me, I don’t know), take a last deep breath and put pen to paper.
At this point, I open my eyes in the real world. I am completely relaxed, a thousand miles away from limbo, in another dimension even, calm and happy to engage with questions and wonders.

I’m in the flow.

In this world, I am a different me. A “study-me”.
In time, this me and I will merge again and we have already merged quite a bit. My walk through the Study Room process has become faster and faster and I am quite certain that, in time, it won’t take longer than a fraction of a second and it will seem like I can switch my flow on and off again like I used to. My study wheel is rolling again.

But if yours isn’t just yet, then …this is it. This is how, this is why and this is the very moment I re-connect with my “study values”, my passion and my agency, again and again and I choose to do it. Again. And again.


It is, really, all about choice.

And that’s the advantage I have over the old me. The old me studied because I didn’t know anything else and because I thought that I had to. 
The me right now chooses to study because I want to. And that makes it ten times more effective, more freeing and more fun.

So run wild, enjoy, actively enter that world of studying in your head, no matter what yours might look like (rain? palm trees? other planet? go bonkers!), it’s about choosing this and wanting this. It is about YOU saying “Yes, there are other interesting things and wheels out there, but right here, right now, I want this, nothing else and I will give it all of myself for as long as I want to.”

As you might have guessed by the gifs, I really recommend watching Free! Iwatobi Swim Club if you’re interested in overcoming procrastination.
(I swear I’m not sponsored by KyoAni, but for all their other shortcomings, their characters always have amazing character arcs when it comes to professionalism and passions) Both Rin and Haru are caught in their own versions of limbo and following Rin’s journey in Season 1 and Haru’s journey in Season 2 really helped me realize a lot of things about my own life and about how I dealt with passion, talent and my career.

The last part of this series will include a Q&A, so if there is something you didn’t quite understand or are unsure about, something you’d like to add or recommend to others, something you’d like me to explain in more detail or demonstrate through other examples, please, just write me a message (my inbox is absolutely open!) and I will answer it in Part 5 :)

Thank you for coming along on this ride! I hope some of my thoughts could help you and please, do let me know if my methods work for you - I’d love to know! :D 

Your life is in your hands,

-studyinstyle

I alluded to this in a reply but I feel like it needs its own post. I absolutely love that Cicero, eternally an outsider by birth during his time, who believed so wholly in the Republic as it could be, whose name belied his class, who had to work infinitely harder to climb the cursus honorum, is the person whose works we have the most of from his time. The great families, the metelli and the claudii, the noblest born senators, the jealous conservative factionalists who abandoned Cicero in his time of need because he was a new man, have faded from history and we know so little about any of them, but over 2000 years later we remember Cicero in such vivid detail, and we love him!

We see Cicero’s world through his lens, our picture of the late Republic is indelibly colored by Cicero’s opinions, his thoughts, his feelings. In his own time he was never truly “allowed” into the most elite echelons of the senate despite his talent and intelligence and yet he is our main, sometimes our only, route of access, point of contact, with the Late Republic. He is the definitive voice of his time, and his immortality is largely due to the merit of his writings, his oratory and philosophy which are still admired and adored. In the end, his works brought him more fame than almost any other Roman politician, and I love that by outlasting through his talent and brilliance those who never thought he belonged, Cicero proved his worth and he proved everyone wrong and, in a way, eventually won.

In Control

Summary: Sam needs Jess to help him gain control over himself.

Word Count: 2200

Warning: dom!Jess, sub!Sam, though Sam is kind of topping from the bottom here, smut, use of restraints, Sam has some control issues

A/N: I wanted to write some Sam x Jess. This is what happened. Hope you enjoy! XOXO


The first time Sam thinks about it, he instantly feels ashamed of himself. What the fuck is wrong with him?

Jess is fucking perfect. She’s gorgeous and smart. She makes him laugh. She doesn’t get mad when he forgets to rinse the sink after he shaves.

And their sex life is fucking perfect, too. She’s warm and soft and fun. She knows when he wants her to take the lead. She doesn’t just go along with whatever position he pushes her into- she comes up with a lot of them. And her sexual appetite is every bit as big as his.

But this? This just…goes too far. It’ll scare her. She’ll see how fucked up he really is.

Keep reading

Take a Bullet for You (Jughead x Reader)

Prompt: Can you maybe do an imagine with Jughead x reader where they’re dating and they face Jason’s murderer (whoever you want it to be) and reader stands in front of Jug when he fires which leads into her taking bullet for him. Happy and fluffy ending:) Love your blog!❤

Can you do one where reader and Jughead finally find the murderer and he tries to kill Jughead but instead reader gets in the way taking the bullet and then dying in Jughead’s arms telling him that she loves him for the first time. They are dating but never said that to each other. Love your blog, btw💕

A/N: Bare with me here. I cried writing this. Let me know what you think of it! (ALSO I HIT 3K FOLLOWERS? ILYSM!) 

Masterlist

WARNINGS: Someone gets shot. Blood. Death. Feelings. Holy Shit. I wrote an Alternate Ending as well to lessen the pain.

Take a bullet for you (Jughead x Reader)


You guys were sitting in your booth at Pop’s when it clicked.

You figured it out. You and Jughead finally figured it out.

You couldn’t believe it.

Looking over the notes surrounding you two, it was clear now.

A Serpent had killed Jason. All the evidence was there.

The Drugs. The Car registered in a serpent’s name. The Paper trail Jug had found at his dad’s, along with Jason’s varsity jacket.

Jason was planning on leaving Riverdale with half of the serpent’s profit. He stepped on the snakes and the snakes bit him right back.

Jughead grabs your arm.

“We have to be careful with this.” He whispers as his eyes traveled around the diner. “You know how dangerous they are and we don’t want either one of us to end up next.”

You give your boyfriend a small smile and lean into him. “We can’t tell Betty. Or anyone else just yet. They could get hurt.”

He wraps his arm around you and nods. “Yeah. And This is just a theory too. We need more proof sadly before taking it to Sheriff Keller.”


You glance back at your boyfriend.

“Should we really be doing this, Juggie?” You ask.

You guys needed more evidence so it was decided that you would break into the Serpents base.

Or as Jug liked to call it “the snake pit”.

“Shh!” He wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you against his chest as he places his other hand against your mouth. “We have to be really quiet, (Y/n). If we get caught, we’re dead. literally.”

You nod and glance around the hallway of the bar on the southside.  

He lets you go after placing a kiss to your temple and pulls you to a door down the hall.

Pulling keys out of his pocket, he gives you a tight smile. “Ready?”

“No. Let’s go.”

He opens the door and coughs. The stench of drugs and alcohol hits your nose.

“Don’t touch anything other than what’s needed.” He repeats the plan and you nod to him.


It took you guys a good five minutes to figure out where they hid everything and there it was.

A hidden room in the back behind a bookshelf.

The ropes. The gun.

“What the-?” You lean down to grab a piece of leather on the ground. Your heart drops when you open it. Jason’s wallet. “Jug-”

“We need to go. Now.” Your boyfriend grabs your arm and pulls you to the window. He opens it and looks out. “It’s a few feet but you’ll be okay. Bend your knees when you jump.” He quickly whispers and helps you climb out.

Thud.

You feel the damp leaves against your palms as you hear Jug drop next to you.

The heaviness of the wallet in your pocket.

Jug pulls you up and turns to run. “Shit.”

“What are you two doing here?” A man yells as he makes his way over.

You feel Jughead weave his fingers with you. He was nervous. You were too.

“Looking for my father.” Jug speaks up. You almost sigh in relief when he kept his voice steady. You couldn’t show any weakness. It was a moment of life or death right now.

“Don’t lie to me boy.” His voice rough and you squeeze Jug’s hand. A piece of silver catches your eye. Please dear god don’t shoot at us.

You guys hear footsteps from above and another serpent appears from the window you jumped from.

“John! The wallet is missing. Those rats were in the room!” They yell.

The man’s eyes narrow at us. “Just cause you’re FP’s boy doesn’t mean I won’t shoot you.” Your heart pounding, yet you could hear his voice clearing. “Hand over the wallet now.”

Jug shakes his head at the man. “No.” His face blank of any emotion. Jug please don’t antagonize him. You bring your intertwined hands to your back pocket to let him know he could take it if needed. He pulls you behind him as the man pulls the silver gun out of his jeans.

Please. Don’t. Where is FP when we needed him?

You glance at Jug and knew he was thinking the same thing. Only there was something else in his features.

He knew his dad wasn’t going to show up and save them from his gang.

One of you were going to die. Just like Jason. That’s how the snakes worked and You sure as hell wasn’t going to let Jug die.

BANG.

You shove Jug off to the side as the bullet hits your chest. Everyone stares in horror as you stumble and fall to the ground. Your hands pressed against your chest. Blood seeping through your fingers.

“(Y/N)!” Jughead almost sobs as he runs over to you. His eyes frantic as he tries to think of a way to stop the bleeding.

“What-?” A drunk slur appears a few feet away.

“Dad!” Jug growls out as he presses his flannel against your chest. A few tears slip down his face.

You try to move your head but it suddenly becomes too heavy to move.

“Jug?” You gasp out as you feel the blood filling your lungs, making it harder to breathe.

“Move! Let me help!” A boy pushes pass some of the gang members, all staring like they’re watching a car wreak.

The boy reaches you and Jug.

“Joaquin. Help Me.” He pleads as FP just stands there, slightly swaying.

Joaquin pulls his phone out and dials Kevin’s number.

Good. The Sheriff needs to know there’s going to be another body.

“Juggie?” Your voice weak.

He pauses and tears fill his beautiful eyes.

“(y/n), please don’t leave me.” He whimpers as you loosen your grip on his hand.

“Jug, I love you.” You whisper. A cough erupts your throat. Blood follows its path.

You could hear his heart breaking. Joaquin’s voice seems faded as Jug whispers those words over and over again. Sobbing a little harder each time.

With your last breath, it’s the last thing you hear.

I love you.


                                      -ALTERNATIVE ENDING-

One of you were going to die. Just like Jason. That’s how the snakes worked and You sure as hell wasn’t going to let Jug die.

BANG.

You shove Jug off to the side as someone shoves the man, making the bullet hit your side.

You stumble, clutching your side. Jug’s arms wrap around you before you hit the ground.

Sirens fill the air as the gang disperse.

“Here. Hold this against it.” Joaquin presses a shirt against your side. “I called Kevin. He’s sending his dad and an ambulance over.” He says as the sirens get closer. “Him and the girls will meet you guys at the hospital.”

Jug nods his thanks but his eyes travel to the person stumbling towards you three. “Dad.” His voice low and firm.

FP frowns at him. “I’m sorry Jug. I didn’t-”

“Save it, Dad.” He growls out as the ambulance pulls into the parking lot. He turns his attention to you and holds your hand. “You okay?”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah. I just feel like I’m been shot. But other than that, I feel great.”

“I love you.” He blurts out. You both look at each other in shock.

Neither one of you told the other those words.

It was off limits.

“I love you too, Juggie.”

He kisses your forehead as Sheriff Keller and the EMT’s make their way over to you.

“Stay with me?” You whisper, squeezing his hand.

“I’m never leaving your side.”


Tag List: @nooneshoney @intwoweeks @duckseverywherex @young-gh0st @royalworldtraveler @sweetmisseddreams2002 @raifusfandom @siaralovesgaming @kristinaorfanakos @rice-seedling @divastar777 @saltedpeanuts @in-need-of-a-social-life @kingpendleton @nadya0128 @isitfuckingfridayyet @barbarachern @yazminmcd @casismyguardianangel @the-winter-imagines @jealousbitxh @kindfloweroflove @lustfulskam @cat200037 @xxnaomixxblr @baasooreexiiaa @apocalypticangell @morgan–lee–currant @superoriginalteenwolf @heir-of-light-33 @mesmerizedbyblackandwhite @murderyoursoul @irrajj @fan-of-many-bands @multiversegalaxygirl @mrssstilinski @molethemollie @anotherweekinhell @katshrev @saycute1998 @milkshakejones @itsjaynebird @bangtanbookfrog242 @awesomefandomsunited @imagine-lovebug @imperfectanatomy @sgarrett49 @theatregeek01 @annoyingsibling @xbobaaa @theselfishllama @kaylinfayezink @stephyra17 

And My Love: @full-dark-no-starsxx

Spirit Bindings Q & A

I wanted to make a quick post about this because there has frankly been a lot of  people having questions about their companion’s bindings, and I wanted to clear the air a bit on this. For those that have companions, if you got united with them through a conjurer, please go back to that original conjurer if you are having ANY issue with the spirit. Especially if someone else says there is an issue. I’ll go into this a bit.

Why do I need to go back to the original conjurer? Someone told me that my white arts spirit is really a demon! While this can happen in very rare cases, its VERY RARE, and typically only happens when a conjurer is new and hasn’t properly vetted the spirit. Also if you are listening to someone else about your spirit, you need to be super careful. Someone telling you that your spirit is something it isn’t and offering a service to ‘fix’ it is a huge red flag. Conjurer’s protect their bindings, so that nobody outside of themselves, the spirit and the companion can mess with them. Spirits can also “disguise” themselves to outside influences or anything they deem a threat to try to ward off the intruder. There is a whole list of things that could be happening, but avoid people that try to tell you that your spirit is something that it isn’t. Go back to the conjurer, check in with them. I will use myself as an example: I would never ever try to read another person’s spirit and tell them what it is. I think its a shady practice at best.

What if I don’t feel safe going to the original conjurer? Then go to another one, preferably one that has been in business for many years. I have seen many beginner shops try to make a name for themselves by trying to degrade well built shops, but that is not the way to start a business. Any conjurer who has had their shop open for any considerable amount of time knows what they are doing. If they were selling fake bindings or dangerous spirits, they wouldn’t be in business any longer.

What if I just want to undo the binding? All conjurers are 100% willing to do this for you or tell you how to do it, so go back to your original conjurer and ask for instructions on how to move/transfer or undo the binding if you want to. This goes back to the protections that the conjurers do on their bindings.

Are spirit bindings restrictive? Not if you get them from a reputable shop. If you want a list of reputable shops, then check out this list. I have worked with all of the shops on this list and none of them restrict their bindings in any way. 

But if bindings aren’t restrictive, why cant I connect with the spirit/entity? Spirit communication takes time. It takes awhile to adjust to their energies. Also if you are a new spirit companion (and by new I mean if you have been doing this less than a year), its going to take some time. People see the communications I have with my spirits, and the connections I have with them, and expect the same. I want to get this straight: I have been doing this a long time. I have put in a lot of work - 19 years to be exact -  to get to this point. Its going to take some time. Everyone develops differently. It will come naturally to some and harder to others. But everyone has to understand that spirit communication takes work. Don’t expect the vessel or companion to show up and you are instantly seeing spirits and hearing them perfectly. Its not going to happen. Start small. You need to put in the work and effort and its going to be a long road but its going to be worth it. Spirit companionship is the little things throughout the day. Read all the interactions that everyone else has with their spirits, then put it aside and step out of the box of expectations. Open yourself to any sort of communication that may happen, because you may communicate in a completely unique way then others. Try different things, but you have to put in the work to get there, chances are it isn’t going to happen overnight.

How are spirit bindings done? The process on this is completely unique to the conjurer, and while they wont tell you everything about their binding process, they may share a bit with you if you ask nicely and are curious for the sake of your future companion. 

How do I know that my new companion isn’t going to hurt my current companions? If you got your companion from a respected conjurer, this is part of the thing that they vet for. While some entities may not get along super well, they don’t have to interact if they don’t want to. But no spirit from a conjurer that is trusted is going to go around hurting other entities. Again, if someone tells you this is happening, this should throw up red flags about that outside source. 

Use common sense and trust your gut, and know that your relationship with your spirit companion should be between you and your companion, and if you need help with your companion or are having an issue, go back to the original conjurer! Don’t trust outside parties, and vet your conjurers to avoid any issues. I may make a post of questions to ask a conjurer before working with them to help you all out.

Living With You

read on ff.net and ao3

one / two / three / four / five / six / seven / eight / nine / ten / eleven / twelve / thirteen / fourteen / fifteen / sixteen

rating: t+ for sexual joking, swear words, and violence

pairings: nalu, gruvia, gajevy

characters: natsu, lucy, juvia, gray, gajeel, levy

reblogs are appreciated <3

word count: 3437


Lucy awoke the next morning with a tickle of hair in her face. At first, she pushed it away, thinking it was her own. Her bedhead had a mind of its own at times, and often she would find herself buried in a pile of blonde hair when she woke up from a bad dream.

But when she heard a yelp from the other side of the bed after she flicked the hair away, Lucy sat straight up and screamed. Who the hell was in her bed?

Searching her covers for signs of life, she found a familiar piece of fabric lying next to her. A checkered piece of fabric. Growling, she dragged it up and saw that Natsu was sleeping soundly next to her. Apparently he hadn’t woken up when he made that god-awful noise, which was amazing on its own.

“Mornin’ Luce,” Natsu mumbled groggily, and Lucy narrowed her eyes at her roommate.

“What the hell,” she began, her voice becoming angrier by the word, “are you doing in my bed?”

Natsu yawned, sitting up. “You practically pulled me into bed with you last night. I went to check on you to see if you were okay and you grabbed me by the hand and yanked me into bed. You really wanted me to stay, didn’t ya Luce?”

“That doesn’t matter now.” Lucy didn’t like the feeling of her face reddening, so she turned away. “I’m still sleeping. Get out.”

“But you’re not sleeping now,” Natsu said, blinking a few times like he was confused.

“I said, get out,” Lucy hissed, and she kicked Natsu by his back out of her bed. What did he think he was doing, sleeping in the same bed as her? Why did she decide to just wear a big t-shirt to bed? And why did he look so damn cute with his ruffled bedhead?

“Luce,” Natsu began, but Lucy leaped out of bed and shoved him out of her room.

“Natsu, you can’t just barge into a woman’s room in the middle of the night. What I-I slept naked or something?”

“I’ve already seen you naked, Luce, so it wouldn’t be much of a problem,” Natsu said, and Lucy exhaled through her nose angrily.

“Just stay out of my room. Got it?” Lucy slammed the door and flopped onto her bed to fall back asleep again. Huffing, she rolled over to where Natsu slept the night before and closed her eyes. Seconds later, they popped back open again while she sniffed the side of her pillow that Natsu’s head rested on.

It smelled like pine and firewood, and she realized she quite liked the smell. She would have to go into Natsu’s room and figure out what cologne he used. It smelled woodsy and spicy and fiery all at once, which pretty much summed up Natsu himself.

‘Natsu,’ Lucy thought before sinking into a deep sleep, ‘Why do you have to be so moronic yet smell so good?’

Keep reading

I’m getting so tired of educating people on proper betta care. Its harder working at a pet shop that sells those crappy cubes. My boss will absolutely not listen to me, even tho she would make more money selling little 2.5s over those crappy .7s and below.

To explain to customers why the “industry standard” for betta care is unacceptable, I’ve started telling them straight up;

Imagine if you lived in your bathroom. It is completely sealed off, no way for air flow to enter or leave. The only time you get fresh air and thus lower the carbon monoxide in the room is when someone comes by and opens the door (aka a water change). Its going to not only become toxic quickly because of the CO, but it is also going to get smelly, boring, and unclean very quickly.

I always frame animal care in terms of what will be easiest for the customer because most of them really don’t care about what the animal actually needs and I HATE it. For fish, I tell them that those betta cubes will make their life miserable with cleaning it and making it look nice. A 2.5 will save them so much time and be beneficial to the fish. Surprisingly I’ve sold quite a few people on proper care by bluntly telling them how horrible their fish care is and relating it either to them or a mammal pet like a cat or dog.

i love little mix so much…these girls are not fully supported by their label, for the longest time ppl wouldnt take them seriously and would constantly say the owed their success to someone else and u know what? that never stopped them if anything they worked even harder and strived for perfection. i love what they stand for, i love how honest and genuine their friendship is and i love their work ethic bc they do their best no matter if its a small acoustic performance for 10 fans or a performace if front of 20000 ppl, they are such a strong inspiring talented girlgroup and even if u are not a fan u cant deny that.

3

Both gifs are mine

Imagine being Gibbs’ daughter and meeting Nick for the first time and having a crush. 

Requested by imaginesforthose-wholovefandoms~


Of course, you’ve met McGee and Bishop. This wasn’t your first time visiting your father’s workplace; not by a long shot. But it was your first time meeting Alex Quinn. And definitely your first time meeting Nick.

The newest agent gave you a dazzling smile as he shook your hand; firm, yet gentle. “It’s very nice to meet you.” Nick greeted.

A blush worked its way onto your face, and it was a little harder than you thought to reply. “Same here.” Was all you could manage, and you tried not to cringe at your own awkward words.

Nick’s smile only brightened, and he was about to say something else before Gibbs interrupted. “We’re going to get some lunch.” He stated harshly. “Call me if there’s a development.”

Imagine prince!Vernon lightly chuckling at prince!Seungkwan getting a little jealous when the other suitors are trying to flirt with the former.

I know it feels easier to tell yourself that the person who once loved you, never really loved you. But you’d be lying to yourself just to get through the pain a little easier. And the truth about that? It actually makes it harder. You know they loved you, you know the time you had together meant something. So do yourself a favor; and let it go. Let the time be its time, and keep your eyes always looking forward. You are loved. You were loved, and you are worth every second of love that will come your way. Just because things didn’t work out doesn’t mean they weren’t special to you, doesn’t mean you weren’t special to them. Love doesn’t always have to end in a dramatic disaster. Now a days we live in a generation where everyone tries to make the acceptance of loss into a nasty, grieving, abusive turn out. It doesn’t have to be that. You don’t have to let your heart rage in anger through your words or actions. You can be sad, and bitter, and hurt, and still move on with acceptance that you loved someone and they loved you unconditionally with the best of both of your abilities.
—  I know we’re broken up, but I’m thankful for your existence.

anonymous asked:

hey :) do you have any stories where draco isn't completely redeemed? like, where his character is still morally grey, and does the wrong thing, and makes hurtful choices sometimes? if not, then just really, really canon draco.

I do! I do! Thank you for this interesting prompt!

Drarry fic recs with a not-entirely-redeemed Draco

We Might Be Too Old For a Bildungsroman by calrissian18 (21k)
Harry finds something he’s been looking for since the war’s end. Admittedly, the packaging’s a bit odder than he expected.
(Odd quirky Draco with lilac hair and his muggle friends run a coffee shop together. He doesn’t care about rules and characterization is on point.)

A Thousand Beautiful Things by geoviki (104k)
Draco Malfoy struggles with changed fortunes, shifted alliances, an ugly war, and an unusual spell, with the help of a concerned professor, an insightful house-elf, and an unexpected Gryffindor friend.
(This is one of my old faves. Lots of insight into Draco’s psyche over the years. War is about to happen, and Draco decides to make his own decisions.)

the keys to your kingdom by thistle_verse (7.5k)
It was nothing so elegant as fucking, the first time they came together. It was teeth just a little too sharp— against a collarbone, on the right-side curve of a jaw, drawing blood from the plushest part of a bottom lip. It was the doorframe digging into the curve his spine was making of its own volition: closer, harder, more. Two hundred pain receptors per square inch in the human body and it was nothing but background noise in the explosion, the revelation, that was Harry Potter’s body against his.
(Draco works as a Hit Wizard in this, which of course qualifies as morally dubious in itself. I love this one, it’s absolutely beautifully written!)

The Darklist by dysonrules (87k)
When Draco Malfoy, wanted criminal, strolled into the Ministry to give himself up, he seemed destined for Azkaban until he offered to hand over information to avert an upcoming crime. Of course, he refused to divulge that knowledge to anyone but Harry Potter.
(Draco is badass and manipulative. “I am going to kill that woman slowly and with relish,” Draco snarled as he stumbled along after Harry. “Pickle relish. Or perhaps mango chutney. It would go down well with her liver.”)

Timeshare by astolat (14k)
“It’s not for long,” Hermione said. “By the time we get back to Hogwarts, the Unfettering Brew will be ready.” “Listen to you!” Ron said. “He’s got to get through a month with the Dursleys and a month at Malfoy Manor. With Draco Malfoy.” “Yeah, thanks,” Harry said, because he hadn’t just spent the last week contemplating just how much more horrible his summer holidays were about to be than they’d ever been before.
(Draco is oh-so-in character in this. He’s his spoiled pureblood brat self with an attitude that can make anything obey. I really like the way this is written.)

Exiled by gryffindorJ (16k)
Draco is declared persona non grata by the Ministry after the War. Harry has been tasked with keeping an eye on him, ensuring he stays out of England.
(Aaagh I love this fic so much. It hurts, I’m so sad for Draco, and while he’s coping he hates what the Ministry’s done to him. Harry, of course, wants him to be all regretful about the past, but Draco refuses to back down…)

Bonus:

Harry Potter and the Future He Doesn’t Really Want, Thanks. by Seefin (70k)
Harry had dreamt of a car crash on the street outside the good sushi place then watched it play out two days later in front of his eyes. That had been a bad weekend. Neville and Luna alternated between tiptoeing around the place where he was curled up on the sofa and sitting with him, as he watched TV and ate chocolate digestives. Luna with her head on his shoulder and Neville holding his hand while they pretended to watch Star Wars but really just muted it and listened to Harry talk about how fucking unfair things were, and how fucking guilty he felt to think that when he was alive, and whole, and here talking to them and pretending to watch Star Wars.
(Because while Draco is a sweetheart in this, his past is NOT glossed over they way it often is in fics. He and Harry talk about it, and while it’s not all forgiveness, it’s time to move past it. This fic is also amazing in general.)

archiveofourown.org
Lost Souls Forever - SilentSinger, rissalf - Gotham (TV) [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

The time has come, gentle readers, to wrap this little tale of ours up. This is personally very likely to be my last fic for this pairing, and so - for the final time - Fort Problematic Productions sincerely hopes you enjoy:

starting out in the ddlg community

Alot of people want to know how to get started in the ddlg community. It’s actually not that hard. Please dont think that you need stuffies, a dom, pacis ect to be a valid little. Also you don’t need a little to be a valid dom. If you want to get started as a little maybe you can start an account about ddlg and start eating healthy foods like fruits and vegetables or little foods like chicken nuggets in shapes or pocky. Theres also creating rules for yourself and punishments if you break them like “clean your room everyday” if you break that rule maybe you can have a punishment that says no tv. Theres also watching little tv shows like scooby doo or sofia the first. As a dom you cant really do much without a little but don’t be discourage there are ways to find one.

How to find a dom/little:
There are ways like instagram, tumblr ect but finding a dom or little online you have to be careful like any relationship because not all littles or doms are honest about who they are. I recommend these tags if searching on instagram: #ddlg #daddydom #bdsm #mdlb #littlespace #kittenplay #bdsmcommunity #ddlglifestyle #adviceforddlg #informationforbdsm #Ddlg #ddlgcouple #ddlgrelationship #ddlgcommunity  #daddykink #daddydom  #bdsm #kittenplay #daddysprincess #daddyskitten  #littleplay
(if you’re a dom look at my post ‘how to get a little youre trying to pursue’).

***From here on end it will be for partners so if you dont have one you dont have to read on. Remember you dont need a dom or a little to identify with the lifestyle you are a dom or a little no matter what***

Rules/punshiments: ok so, rules and pushiments are the most fun and most poopy (for a little)

Step 1: have your little make a list of rules they think are suitable

Step 2: look over the list and if need be add a few more. Remember that list with 20+ rules are harder to follow than ones with lets say 10-20 so try to keep it minimum and try not to add useless rules like ‘always say i love you’ or 'always be naked’ those are useless rules and the last one can make a little feel uncomfortable.

Step 3: give it back to your little and if they find it ok then on to punishments. Remember to have them do this in big people space for obvious reasons.

Step 4: talk about punishments and create a list. Some littles might not be into spankings and want time outs. Others might not want time outs but want spankings. Also remember that no tv, no phone, corner time and others could be used as punishments it doesnt have to always be spankings.

Step 5: make sure your little/dom is comfortable with all the punishments you’ve suggested. Remember littles some doms arent comfortable yet with the lifestyle and they need less physical punishments to give you.

Step 6: write it down somewhere. In your phones, on a piece of paper ect and remember that you both can change the rules or punishments but please talk about them before changing unless its like ice cream before dinner then i dont really think it needs to be a rule in order to get corner time.

Important add ons: dear doms, please dont punish your little if she does something like jumping on the bed with a spanking maybe a timeout might be more suitable and if she forgets to clean up maybe not resort to spankings right away. Have a three strike rule. Remember yes, spankings can be fun but if you administer it for every little bad thing your little does its going to be harder for them in the long run. So pace yourself and use the appropriate punishment for the crime. If your little isn’t quite into the lifestyle yet start them off slow and work up

Dear littles, please remember your dommy may not be completely into the lifestyle yet so have patients and start them off slowly.

As for punishments and rules look online for references there’s plenty and tweak them to your liking

Until next time you are all magical unicorns💖

sidney crosby // still the best

warnings: none

who: sidney x reader

premise: Sidney starts to lose confidence in himself after some critics target him and its up to you and the boys to help him out of it

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Twelve years is a long time to do anything, especially if that thing is a professional sport. As the years drag by, they collect their tokens: injury, youth, energy and character. Age didn’t stop for anyone, even your seemingly invincible husband, Sidney Crosby.

Keep reading

aucauraibis  asked:

Heyo, I was wondering how you handle writing so many projects at once (like, mentally, not organizationally). I often have many ideas and switch between them depending on what I'm feeling that day but it's terribly inefficient I find, but it's also hard not to, when an Idea happens it happens, I can't aim it.

It helps to have an outside support system, or checks and balances, or just Real World Consequences for not doing your shit. 

@xumbra will get on my case if I’m not there with new content on Saturdays for SRC. 

Voltage work involves contracts and paychecks, so I have to be on time or it makes me look incompetent and untrustworthy, and I’m making other people’s jobs harder if I’m not on time. 

Commissions, depending on the commissioner, have a little more flexibility to them. As long as you’re open and honest and communicative with the person who paid you. But remember, you are doing a job for someone. If I don’t deliver, I’m a fucking thief and my reputation will be harmed as “someone who will take your money and not write you SHIT.”

Other Projects I’m Not Talking About simply will not exist if I don’t push them forward. I want them to exist, so I am pushing them forward. Even if I’m terrified no one will like them and everyone will laugh at me and they will suck and everyone’s gonna post my picture on billboards in every city, Look At This Loser, the billboards will say, Trying to DO THINGS, Can You Believe The Gall Of This Fucking Dumbass

So I don’t know how you would (or if you should) go about creating a series of consequences like that. What works for me might not work for you etc. you might want to promise a story to a friend and see if their disappointment when you’re late motivates you.

Writing is my job, so… My advice is probably going to sound a little hardass but if you really want to make something, stop making excuses for yourself and finish it. Finish one thing. 

Even if it’s terrible, it’s done. You take that failure and you do better next time.

Important Exception: If you’ve completed stuff in the past, but lately everything seems Too Much, you’re probably just burned out, dude! Trees do not perennially produce fruit, and artists similarly need downtime to recharge before they produce new content. Turn everything off for a day or two and go read a few books. And when you come back, work on the shortest thing you have. Finish it. Then move on to the more complex projects.

Hold On To Your Love

Nyx x Reader 

Word Count: 1,792

SFW/Angst

Part I

The day had finally come. A night that you had been planning for a little over a month now. And for tonight’s events you went out a bought a special black satin pencil dress you had been eyeing for weeks for a special someone. Both Nyx and your schedules had been packed for the past several weeks, honestly leaving you little time to be together except at night.

Tonight, is going to be perfect, the restaurant is booked. Dessert is ordered out and this dress is fitting me like a glove! You thought to yourself as you examined your curvy frame in the mirror.

Placing several bobby pins in your hair you were struggling to decide on whether you want to have an up-do for tonight or have your hair down. Reaching for your phone you quickly looked at the time.

8:00pm

“Alright I still have 30 minutes until I have to meet Nyx” you said undoing the bobby pins and throwing them on the dresser.

Grabbing your favorite pair of black Mary Jane’s, you quickly slipped them on, grabbed your purse and headed out the door.

You would have preferred to have walked together with Nyx to the restaurant, but you knew that tonight like most Friday nights he would be getting off work late. Pulling out your phone you checked the time once more as you were nearing the restaurant.

8:25pm

With Nyx being a Glaive and you being in the Crownsguard it made things a little harder for you two to see one another. However, being a part of the Crowsnguard did have its perks, plus the fact that you and the Prince had been good friends since middle school. Prince Noctis was kind enough to make the reservation for you and Nyx’s perfect night, of course after several attempts of begging.

“Welcome to The Lunet, how may I be of service to you?” the waitress asked kindly smiling at you.

“Reservation for (y/l/n) table for two” you answered politely in response.

“Ahh, yes I see your name, will the other person be joining you shortly?”

You peered around the corner, half expecting Nyx to already be there.

“Uh, yes he will be.” you said with a smile as the hostess began to lead you towards a table.

Walking through the restaurant you were in awe at how nice it really was.

This is so much nicer than the website, you thought gawking at the two-level fish tank that took up the whole left wall of the establishment. Leading you upstairs towards the balcony the waitress informed you that they would let your other party member know where you were once they arrived.

The view upstairs was breathtaking. Instead of a normal a balcony that is exposed to the elements, this one was incased in glass. From the celling hung beautiful turquoise crystal chandeliers whose dim lighting bounced off the walls that gave the room a warm aesthetic.

“Shall I bring you a menu ma’am or should I wait for your guest”, the hostess asked with a smile.

“Sure, I want to look through the drinks” you said sitting down.

Taking a few glances around the room you see that you are not the only couple there.

A man and a woman, it looks like he might propose to her. Two women holding hands, and she has the most beautiful ring, they must be here for their anniversary too. Your heart began to beat slightly faster at the notion of Nyx proposing to you in such a beautiful location.

“Here you are ma’am” a leather-bound menu breaks you out of you short day dream.  

Skimming through the menu you see that they have your favorite cocktail. You place your order and sit back in your chair, wondering as to when Nyx will arrive.

9:30pm

He was now officially late. You twirled the straw of your cocktail, making it dance around the ice in the crystal glass as you scrolled through your phone. Now contemplating on whether to call him to see where he was or to just give him a bit more time. Scrolling through your contacts you decided to give Crowe a call instead.  

“Hey y/n, how’s date night going?” Crowe and you had been friends since she joined the Glaives, and she was always encouraging of Nyx and your relationship. Her being the actual one to get him to confess to you those years ago.

Resting your hand on your check you began to slump further in your chair. 

“Not so good, Nyx still isn’t here and I haven’t decided on if I should call and ask where’s he’s at because I figured he was going to be running a little late, just not this late.”

You could hear the popping of a skillet on the other end of the line. She must be making dinner, must be nice to eat. You thought now sitting up in your chair.

“Maybe you know, you should call him and see where he’s at y/n.”

“Did he mention to you or Libertus about tonight? Or did he say he was going to be doing anything after work?”

“Hmmm, no. The last I talked with him was shortly after lunch and then he went and had a meeting with the Captain.”

Your eyes widened at the Crowes words. Did he get put on a last-minute mission? This same situation had happened before, however last time Nyx called you during to let you know where he was at.

“This isn’t really like him at all, I’m going to just call him.” Raising your hand, you gestured for the waitress to come to your table.

“Alright well I’m in the process of making chicken so I’ll talk to you later see you girl, shi–” Crowe said as you heard a whispered curse escape her as the oil from the chicken burned her hand.

“Ready to order?” the waitress asked prepping her notepad and pen.

“Actually no, sorry I’m just going to need the check” You said, giving her a halfhearted smile.  

A look of disproval filled the waitress face as she took the menu from you.

 –

Through the exit glass door, the weather was reflecting how you were feeling at this point.

“Really!?” you uttered as you saw that it was now raining. Thinking back, you remembered how there was a forecast for rain later in the evening.

Pulling your coat over your head you walked home, holding back the rage and tears that were forming within you.

How could he just forget about tonight? After I had planned this for so long.

 –

Drenched and frustrated, you threw your heels off at the door entrance tossed your purse on the couch while leaving your soaked coat on the floor. Wanting to get warm you went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting it run for a bit to warm up. As you waited for the water to be the right temperature you made your way back in the kitchen to put away the cake you had planned to eat with Nyx after the dinner.

The cake was beginning to run; it had been left out far too long. The royal baby blue icing was now melting off from the body of the cake. The intricate lace design was all but a gooey looking mess, a reflection of the night so far. Putting it into the fridge tears began to well up in your eyes. Seeing the cake as it was melting, falling apart made you begin to have doubts in your relationship. It’s not as if this was a regular occurrence, but maybe your relationship had reached its peak. That both Nyx and you really didn’t have time for one another anymore.

The warm water soothed your aching calf’s as it ran down your back. You tried to let the warmth of the water and steam relax you. However, your anxiety started to take over.

He just got put on a last minute mission, that’s it. He’s fine. Everything is fine.

For all your strength, you just couldn’t hold it in any longer. Tears began to pour from your eyes and you wept silently into your hands.

After the shower, you got changed and flopped onto the bed. Rolling over to your back you finally called Nyx, praying to the gods that he would answer.

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

*The number you have dialed is not available or is no longer in service-*

Not letting it go to voice mail you tossed your phone aside as doubt once again started to fill your mind.

Grabbing your phone once more you look at the time.

12:15 am

And then you remembered. Sometimes when Nyx would come home late from missions he would crash back at his old place because it was closer to the drop off point. Maybe he was there. He was still in the process of moving the last of his things into your place.

Calling him again you rolled over and slipped on your sneakers and a hoody.

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

*The number you have dialed is no–*

“Dammit” you cursed as you grabbed your umbrella and left your apartment.”

Calling a taxi, you were quickly at Nyx old apartment. You climbed down the stairs from the main street that led towards an old dilapidated building of apartments. Typically, only new refugees would live in these conditions, people just entering Insomnia trying to get their bearings. But Nyx lived here for almost 4 years as he was supporting his mother back home in Galahad. It wasn’t until a few months ago that you finally asked him to move in with you.

As you reached his apartment you drew in a deep breath and prepared yourself, not know what was going to happen next. You knocked on the door, hoping for a response.

Nothing.

Knocking one more time you then placed your ear to the door to see if you could hear anything or anyone on the other end.

Silence.

Reaching in your pocket you drew out your keys, searching for the spare apartment key Nyx had made for you after you two started dating.

Placing the key in the lock you drew in a deep breath. Readying yourself to not find him once again.

His apartment was dark. Just a few brown boxes lay on his table under the window. His lounge chair still sitting in the middle of the small room, bits of dust were beginning to form on the arms of the chair. A bit of iridescent street light peered through the blinds as a silhouette caught your eye laying on the bed.

A slender silhouette, a silhouette of a sleeping woman laying rather closely to Nyx.

Part II 

Part III