When I went to see the psychiatrist that afternoon, he asked
me what had taken me so long to get help – as if I hadn’t been trying to help
myself already for so long. I told him my objections and reservations about
antidepressants. I laid copies of the three books I’d already published on his
desk, and I said, “I’m a writer. Please don’t do anything to harm my brain.” He
said, “If you had a kidney disease, you wouldn’t hesitate to take medication
for it – why are you hesitating with this?” But, see, that only shows how
ignorant he was about my family; a Gilbert might very well not medicate a kidney disease, seeing that we’re a family who
regard any sickness as a sign of personal, ethical and moral failure.
He put me on a few different drugs – Xanax, Zoloft, Wellbutrin
– until we found a combination that didn’t make me nauseated or turn my libido
into a dim and distant memory. Quickly, in less than a week, I could feel an
extra inch of daylight opening in my mind. Also, I could finally sleep. And this was the real gift,
because when you cannot sleep, you cannot get yourself out of that ditch –
there’s not a chance. The pills gave me those recuperating night hours back,
and also stopped my hands from shaking and released the vice grip around my
chest and the panic alert button from inside my heart.
Still, I never relaxed into taking those drugs, though they
helped immediately. It never mattered who told me these medications were a good
idea and perfectly safe; I always felt conflicted about taking them. Those drugs
were part of my bridge to the other side, there’s no question about it, but I
wanted to be off them as soon as possible.
Could I have endured that time without the drugs, if I’d
just held out a little longer? Could I have survived myself, by myself? I don’t
know. That’s the thing about human life – there’s no control group, no way to
ever know how any of us would have turned out if any variables had been
I do know these drugs made my misery feel less catastrophic.
So I’m grateful for that. But I’m still deeply ambivalent about mood-altering
medications. I’m awed by their power, but concerned by their prevalence. I
think they need to be prescribed and used with much more restraint in this
country, and never without the parallel treatment of psychological counselling.
Medicating the symptoms of any illness without exploring its root cause is just
a classically hare-brained Western way to think that anyone could ever get
truly better. Those pills might have saved my life, but they did so only in conjunction
with about twenty other efforts I was making simultaneously during that same
period to rescue myself, and I hope to never have to take such drugs again.
Though one doctor did suggest that I might have to go on and off
antidepressants many times in my life because of my “tendency towards
melancholy.” I hope to God he’s wrong. I intend to do everything I can to prove
him wrong, or at least fight that melancholy tendency with every tool in the
shed. Whether this makes me self-defeatingly stubborn, or self-preserving
stubborn, I cannot say. But there I am.
2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod: I Was A Cloud by Shearwater, I Need Some Sleep by the Eels, Retirement by Kaiser Chiefs and All My Loving by the Beatles (his guilty pleasure?).
The one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to: the thing is, Shikamaru could fall asleep anywhere if he’d allow himself to, but he usually has himself under control. There’s probably too much attention on him in places where he really shouldn’t fall asleep like kage-meetings and such, but he might doze off a little in the Hokage’s office if he hadn’t had enough sleep the night before.
The game they’d destroy everyone else at: any strategic game obviously. I like to believe that he usually loses when a game involves luck, so he doesn’t play those.
The emoticon they’d use most often: I don’t see him using emoticons. It’s too troublesome
What they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep: he never gets as much sleep as he wants, so like he always does. If he really lacks sleep it’s only a bit harder than usual to get him to do things and he might refuse the things that aren’t important enough, so he can take a nap.
Their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever: black coffee. He doesn’t do fancy herby and/or sweet hot drinks because it’s too feminine. But he secretly loves them, I’m absolutely sure, so Temari “accidentally” makes too much of such drinks to consume on her own. (She figured this out fairly quickly on her own, but Ino knows and shares all Shikamaru’s favourites with her)
How they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump: staring at clouds.
What they wanted to be when they grew up: average.
Their favorite kind of weather: cloudy and sunny.
Thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?): Shikamaru’s voice actor is a singer and imo has a decent voice (not my kinda music but whatever), so I think Shikamaru himself has a decent singing voice, but… he probably thinks singing is embarrassing/girly.. I’d like to think that you can find him humming soft tunes and softly singing Shikadai to sleep when he thinks nobody’s listening, though.
How/what they like to draw or doodle: idk deer maybe? Clouds? His clan symbol? I feel like he’s got terrible drawing skills though, so he might not feel the need to doodle at all.
my queen just went out and killed deadly chinchillas! but before she could do that some random crazy dude had to traine her and he told her to jump down the pit and fight the monster who live there! and well that was okay because she was trained and in high level and i always make her feed the monster! what i didn’t know was that the monster had started to like her… i don’t know what happen down there, but there where weird non fighting sounds, purple smoke and freaking hearts coming up from the pit!!
Today its time to celebrate 70th independence day of my country INDONESIA ! And for a whole day of 17&18 August i’ll write quote and caption in Bahasa. For my overseas friend hope all of you understand me :) thankyou for understanding 😉 #RI70 #DirgahayuRepublikIndonesia#70TahunIndonesia#Merdeka🎉🎇🎊 (at RI70)
So Beast is coming to my country and its not the first time a kpop band comes but the first time they have a playing (not sure if that's correct I just woke up and English isn't my first language) and I'm excited but I don't know if I should go.. Should I go and maybe see a kpop band or shouldn't I go and maybe never see a kpop band? -Xara
You should go! It’s such an amazing chance and you would regret passing it up! Although beast isn’t my favorite group, I would totally go, because how often to you have that opportunity?