Aries: The divide before you is uncrossable alone. Seek help, or a helicopter.
Taurus: Its not fog. Its a curse. A curse that looks like fog. Stay away.
Gemini: Clean yourself. Wash everything away. Especially that god awful paint.
Cancer: Listen. Follow the polka. It will not lead you to what you desire, but will lead you to what you need. Polka never dies.
Leo: Turns out you can take it with you, but only if its stored in canoptic jars. Get some honey and get to work.
Virgo: The world does not know you. It doesn’t know anyone. Its a rock.
Libra: Never eat and work at the same time. One must take the time to enjoy such simple pleasures.
Scorpio: Feel, don’t think. Allow the world to become a long dark ritual.
Sagittarius: Keep away from bridges today. What they symbolize you may not like.
Capricorn: Statistically, there is a chance that something you do today, however small, will lead to the death of an innocent.
Aquarius: No horoscope today, but the stars made me a lovely dumpling soup.
Pisces: Your body is not a temple, it is a river. A river made of meat and blood and stuff.