I’m actually really proud of this one? It’s a bit longer than usual, and it’s very Keith-centric even though I’m whumping Lance because hi have you met me? I’m too invested in klance.I hope you enjoy!
@elsiemcclay aka the best person to run ideas and/or titles by. thanks friendo.
A groan sounded to Keith’s left, and
he looked over immediately, trying to mask his relief with a glare.
“Oh, good. He finally decided to wake up.”
“Hey, how many times do I have to
tell you? Beauty sleep is important.” A pause. “Where are we
Pidge snorted. “Guess that general
hit him harder than we thought.”
“Lance! You’re okay! I was worried—
that totally knocked you out, you hadn’t moved in a while,” Hunk
rambled. “Does your head hurt?”
“Like hell,” Lance said, leaning
back against the wall and pressing a hand to his forehead. “But
nothing too serious. Thankfully, now that I’m conscious, I remember
what happened. We’ve been captured, haven’t we?”
I had an immense amount of hope for season 4 of Skam. And
even though from the beginning, I didn’t like some stuff or was suspicious of
some plotlines, I decided to trust the people who had previously made three
amazing seasons of Skam to make sense of everything and to give us a beautiful
and meaningful season for Sana as well.
Now that Sana’s season is basically over, however, I am more
resigned to bitterness and accepting the fact that they simply couldn’t
deliver. I don’t blame Julie. Not really. I did for a while, but now I
just…feel nothing. The rage has worn off and what’s left is this deep sadness
that comes from knowing something good has gone bad.
I’m being dramatic though! At the end of the day, it’s just
a show and it doesn’t really matter. But for a second there, I thought I was
watching something monumental occur; like when I watched season 3. To get a
show from the perspective of a poc muslim girl in a European country seemed
both risqué and innovative. But the problem with such a never-seen-before/never-explored-before
concept is that, you won’t know just how wrong it can go.
For example, they could easily figure out what not to do in
season three, by simply watching all the wrong moves other shows had made
through the years. While Sana’s season needed delicate and thorough research to
first: capture the essence of the culture and background she came from
and then secondly: to use it in the fabric of the show in a natural and
organic way. They also needed to have space to deal with the daily problems of
muslim girls in modern Norway’s society and on top of that all, they had to
make no mistakes and create interesting drama through it all.
Looking at it like that, I feel bad for Julie and the pressure
she must have been under. I think considering how bad things could have gone….
they went moderately bad. And yet, ironically we can claim it’s the best of its
kind because no one else has done anything remotely close to it before, either.
However, I’m not resigned to just accept this as an excuse
and forget just how badly things went. Because this looks like a terrible
accident to me, and no matter what I do, I find myself thinking things like “if
only this part had been different”, “if only they hadn’t done that.”, if, if, if.
So I’m gonna rewatch all nine episodes of Sana’s season and attempt to write a
piece explaining just what I thought went wrong.
1.The pacing: Perhaps one of the most obvious things
that went wrong with this season and that everyone noticed, was the pacing.
This piece will be full of bitter nostalgia so let the first one be a callback
to the amazing trailer. I will never forget the day we got season four’s
trailer after four months of waiting. Everything about it seemed just perfect.
Every detail seemed like a symbol, a throwback, a small wink to the viewer:
“look! We put that there for you to find!”. And the ultimate message seemed to
be that “it’s about to go down” and it will go down in a very complex way, too!
A chain reaction! Millions of meta pieces were written. A thousand different
takes on the chain of reaction and what each dilemma could be was written. So when the
season started, we were all waiting for something to happen. We
waited….and waited… and waited… and waited…. We waited for weeks! But what
happened was that a tension, thick as butter, just kept on building for five
weeks. And then BOOM! All hell broke loose! And yet…and yet nothing had happened
yet. We actually had to wait two more weeks for something to really happen and
suddenly by the eighth week, everything was resolved again! In short, the plot
was one giant anticlimax! The conflict that kept on building to seem like an
unavoidable fall out, a tsunami of dramatic interactions, ended up being
resolved off screen. The real problem seemed to be the pacing. If the show had
built the conflict in three episodes, presented us with the supposed dilemma
in episode 3, tried to fix that in episode 4 and had the deeper, real conflict
happen in episode 5, then had the after math in episode 6, and started to fix it
in episode 7, have the characters figure it out in episode 8 and the resolve it in
episode nine, then it would have made sense! Writing it down like that, it
almost feels like that’s what happened! But clearly something prevented the cycle
from feeling like a natural arc. Which brings us to the second problem:
2.Crowded narrative: So what was Sana’s season about?
The imbalance of her Muslim/Norwegian identity? Being a muslim in an atheist
country? Falling for a non-muslim boy? Falling out of touch with friends?
Jealousy? Anger issues? Making up with family? Getting a Russ buss? What was
this season about?
Ignoring the subplots (because there was so many of those I
shiver just thinking about them!), there was three main plots for Sana in this
1.Finding a balance between her Norwegian
identity and the people in that part of her life with the muslim/Moroccan side
of her identity and the people in that part of her life.
2.the problem of being a muslim girl
falling for a non-muslim boy and trying to keep true to her faith while still
trying to not the love go to waste.
3.Finally making the last move in her
friendship with girl squad and really being honest with them about her feelings
However soon these problems morphed into different things
1.Getting a bus and proving to everyone that
she can be a part of this Norwegian tradition like any other Norwegian girl.
2. Trying to let go of the boy who was both
unsuitable for her and who her best friend had feelings for.
3.Dealing with the collision of her Moroccan
and Norwegian on terms that were not her own.
Each of these plots kept on getting more complicated and
more tangled to a point that they were not exactly resolvable. They were
instead just forced into a state of equilibrium. Which was anti climactic to say
*sigh* now let’s face the subplots! There were so many
subplots! And at one point, it felt like these plots will wrap up in that
infamous trailer “chain reaction”. But with the season already over, it’s
become abundantly clear that that was never the case!
The subplots as seen from the very first clip on are:
1. Vilde and Magnus’s
relationship (initially taken as a way to introduce lesbian Vilde but ending up
being about trust and cheating. Resolved in episode eight’s sixth clip)
2.Noorhelm (the most
unnecessary unearthing of a clearly failed relationship that somehow got
revived again…*whispers*why?! Resolved in Episode nine’s third clip)
3.Balloon squad (Sana’s
brother’s group of friends and the most adorable addition to Skam this season.
I’m not sure what their conflict was supposed to be but last time we saw them
they were pretty happy and content so I guess resolved in the last hei briskeby
video) (actually they were there to destroy stigma surrounding poc/muslim boys and trying to create empathy towards them)
4.Getting a bus (resolved in
the fifth clip of episode 8)
5.Hvem er Mikael?!(Still a
mystery tbh but generally accepted to be the last guy Even tried to
kiss…unsuccessfully I might add. Resolved in the last clip of episode 4?!then
again in last clip of episode 5 and again in the last clip of episode 7…)
6.Sana and her mother (not
really a conflict point but still she started from hiding things from her to
telling her stuff. Resolved in the fourth clip of episode 9)
7.Even’s past (I honestly
don’t know why this had to be mentioned but whatever. Resolved in the sixth
clip of episode 8)
8.Yousana (resolved with an
open ending in the fifth clip of episode nine aka Sana’s last clip)
9.Elias (Sana’s brother has
issues! He’s drinking, he’s fighting with his mom, he’s rebelling and maybe
even questioning his faith. This wasn’t resolved! This was just mentioned and
to this day I’m haunted. What is happening with Elias?)
10.PM girls (The true let down of this season.
There was no need to make 50% of the 99 girls evil, but nothing we can do about
that. Resolved in the fifth clip of episode 8)
11.Vilde (Vilde was acting
super weird all season long! From Islamophobic behavior to spreading stuff
about Sana behind her back and such. Vilde deserved better because we never saw
her acknowledge her wrong behavior but somehow this was already resolved by the
end of the fifth clip of episode 8)
12.The syng fight (supposedly
a climax for the other plots and subplots but it’s an even bigger mystery than
all the plots combined. I don’t know anything about it! Nothing made sense but
apparently already resolved by the sixth clip of episode 8)
13.Jamilla and Sana’s friendship (resolved in the
fifth clip of episode 7)
14.Hacking and cyber-bulling
(resolved by the fifth clip of episode 8)
15.Sana finishing her prayer
(resolved in the last clip of episode 9)
I…I just think there was too much happening!
All this aside, this season had one giant problem. Like a
zit on the nose. Big, red, angry and full of gross pus. And that is the third
3.Noora: To think I started watching the show for
Noora! Oh Noora, Noora, Noora! I am so sick of Noora! The woman, the mirror,
the foil, the ever-present heroin of Skam! It was so easy for Eva and Isak to
fade into the backgrounds of the seasons that were not theirs but for some
unfathomable reason, this is just not going to work out for Noora!
While Noora’s mirror presence in season 3 was dignified and
reasonable, the ever-changing mirror/foil/symbol/metaphor/object of hate or
jealousy-take your pick- presence that
she had this season was stifling! Present in almost all clips or at least the
long clips, with a very tangible presence and a very lingering subplot, Noora
mirror-foilingly(!) stole the show from Sana. Here’s how she did that.
In the very first clip of season 4, it’s mentioned that
Noora is still not over William while he has apparently moved on to dating a
new person. This sets the main plot into action, by girl squad trying to find
someone for her to move on with. Which leads to a cute tête-à-tête between her
and Yousef. But this is quickly side-tracked by Sana wittingly telling Noora to
avoid muslim boys.
So basically, Noora and her boy trouble were the spark that
started the season. This later affected other plots such as the Vilde+Magnus
one, the Even backstory, Yousana and balloon squad.
Soon after this, we get a long clip in which Noora explained-with
a painstakingly slow pace- why she really left William in London. An explanation
that nobody needed and that just created the opportunity to restart an old
storyline despite it being over for months. Long story short, from trying to
help Noora move on to Noora kissing Yousef, from Sana being jealous of Noora to
hacking and a lot of tears, basically this whole season was a chain of Sana’s
reactions to Noora’s actions. The only plot that was there from the very first
clip to the second to last one. The only story that evolved and developed,
right beneath our noses while we were busy wondering about more important
things like: “whether Sana will ever talk to her friends or not?” (she won’t) or
“what the syng fight was about?” (nothing important!) or “what really happened
in Bakka?” (What’s Bakka?!) or “Is Vilde lesbian?” (no!) or “will Yousana make
it?” (eh…). And while we were busying ourselves with these silly small plots
around the season, Noora and her epic romantic adventures were developing
steadfastly towards a big climax that was delivered in the last clip of episode
8. A clip that was formerly reserved for a very important and dramatic plot
twist in the main’s life.
So while all those never-explored-before plots were all just
dismissed, the same old story of Noora got to be the main plot of the season.
And that’s fine! But when they said we were getting a Sana season, it just led
us to believe Sana would be a bigger part of her own main plotline.
I always thought Sana was the ultimate main for Skam,
because in the past three seasons, she was the single character that held a
real sway over the plot. She delivered important speeches and pushed the plot
in a whole new direction with each of these talks. I thought she was ultimately
the character we were meant to get to know. But I was wrong. Because Skam was
always about Noora.
4.Bad research: While we all know that the
authenticity and uniqueness that is provided in Skam’s plots is curtsey of the
interviews they did with actual teenagers and the inspirations they took from
their real life experiences; it is undeniable that the main reason season three
became such a success was because they sought out the counsel of a professional.
While we don’t know if they didn’t really do this for this season, it at least
feels like they went in blind to write it. We know they spoke with muslim
teenagers, but perhaps it would have been better to try to familiarize
themselves with Sana’s situation on a sociological and psychological level as
well. Maybe have a religion expert on the show? Or a sociologist who had
studied the social disorders that second
generation immigrants have to deal with? Someone who could guide them into
writing a story that was perhaps a bit more respectful to these children’s
experiences rather than a dramatic roller coaster of unexplainable events that
led to nothing but drama.
storytelling: The most respectful
way to put this is to say that (as mentioned before) since there were too many
subplots happening in the season, none of these stories got to be told in a
linear way. The stories got told in snippets, set too far apart that plots got
lost or complicated simply because they had to wait in line for weeks, to take
up where they left off last time we heard about them!
Take Yousana for
instance, one week we see them talk, then for a whole week we hear nothing then
we see Yousef kiss Noora. Then again we get a clip about Sana moving on but two
weeks later, she talks about him again and decides to give it a chance.
For another, Sana’s
faith. While initially it seemed as though we might see her practice her faith
in some way, to actually normalize Islam, that plot was forgotten half way
through the season and only got mentioned again in the very last clip.
Consistency was not the
strong suit of this season for sure. Perhaps because this was the last season.
Maybe they just ran out of a good way to see things through or to connect the
things they wanted to connect.
But no matter how you
will try to tell yourself that there was a good reason for the things that
happened this season, you can’t deny how unfair this season was to Sana.
Before the season
started, there were so many people talking about how a Sana-centered season was
“needed” at times like these. But political climate and social anomalies aside,
this season not only didn’t help any of those noble causes it was supposed to
serve, but also pushed its narrator aside in favor of a more sought
after story that only had dramatic value.
I've seen you say a couple times that you don't see or that you're disabled. Do you mind talking about it? I ask because I am an aspiring writer and it is really hard for me. I wanted to know how you managed or what it was like?
I don’t mind talking about it. It’s something that made me who I am.
When I was about 12, my health sort of started to eat itself. I suddenly had a ton of allergies, and there were days I couldn’t get out of bed. I got sick all the time. In freshman year of high school, I suddenly couldn’t see. For a long time a thing had been going on in my eyes, but I guess I didn’t think it was abnormal until it made it impossible for me to see. Basically this hole was kind of growing in my eyes, but it was more like a rainbow.
When I started having trouble with colors and detail vision, my mom freaked out a bit, because at the time, I was an award winning artist who had ideas of going to college for art. Then I started tripping over things, hitting my head, having trouble with depth perception. Then I got sick, and I mean sick.
I spent about 23 hours a day in bed. I had almost constant migraines. I had pain in my entire body. My skin turned yellow. I went to every kind of doctor you can think of and was tested for everything there is. One day, I had about 12 vials of blood drawn. No one knew what was wrong. The eyes weren’t that big a deal at first, because it seemed like I might have something really serious. The first couple of eye doctors I went to kind of looked at me and said “Oh it’s nothing big.” I actually had one guy tell me that my brain was just shutting off my eyes because I wasn’t using them properly. Yeah.
Then finally, my mom took me to a friend of our family who happened to be an eye surgeon. She did a free exam. I’ll never forget it because it was the first time anyone believed me. I’d been told by doctor after doctor that there was nothing wrong with me. I’d been referred to therapists, told I needed depression meds, told I was just going through a phase or needed attention. Then this doctor put on her head gear, looked into my eyes…took off the head gear…got new head gear…looked into my eyes…took off the headgear…got hand held tools…looked into my eyes…and then stared at me with her mouth hanging open.
“I can’t see the back of your eye,” she said. And suddenly the world simultaneously healed itself and flipped upside-fucking-down for me.
Then it was all about my eyes, the one symptom we could see happening. The one that was the most dangerous. But by then it was too late.
What happened is pretty simple: I apparently have some weird recessive DNA. It triggers certain bizarre immune issues at puberty. My immune system decided to attack my body. The eyes are a delicately balanced system. They show symptoms first. My immune system attacked them with a vengeance. They swelled up like balloons. Normal eye pressure is about 14-17. Mine was at a 22 at its best. It put a tremendous amount of pressure on my Retina, specifically my macula, cutting off blood flow like when you sit on your foot. You know those little shadowy things that float across your eyes? They’re called protein floaters. My eyes had produced so many of those that the doctor could not see through them. It was a fog.
They had to find a way to map my eye, to track the damage. Cue the eye exam from hell. I have always been, even before my autoimmune disorder, deathly allergic to melon. Any kind of melon. But now I was allergic to all sorts of shit, fruits vegetables, all kinds of crap. My dad is allergic to contrast dyes. So when the retinologist suggested this dye-based eye exam that is kind of like a CAT scan, my mom said “no”. See, they inject you with this dye and then they flash this weird light in your eyes. It causes the dye to glow, and then they can see the things through the fog. My mom told them I was too sensitive to stuff for that to be safe. The doc assured her they’d put a butterfly in my arm, meaning the vein would be kept open, and a syringe of benedryl was set on the counter. They’d never had anyone react, and they needed the pictures or there was nowhere to go from there.
So they put this dye into me, and it was like I’d been injected with fire, but there was no way around it, and to me, I knew they only had about 90 seconds to get the images they needed. So I sucked it up. finally the burning began to spread. Suddenly my back felt like I was being stabbed, and I suddenly couldn’t speak. I tapped my hands on my mom, then began sneezing spontaneously. My mom lifted my shirt, and I had quarter-sized hives. The nurse said “Stop sneezing on the camera”. Yeah.
My mom went ballistic. The doctor flew up the stairs and gave me the emergency meds. I slid into a dissociation state and nearly out of my chair. They had to prop me against the camera for the next couple minutes and reinject the dye. No other way, you see.
They did this test every few months for a few years.
But then there was treatment. Not much they could do, except try to get the swelling under control. Only way to do that was corticosteroid injections in the eye. Yup. A needle in the eye. No, they don’t knock you out. They numb the surface of the eye with the same numbing drops they give you for the exams and then they come at you with a needle, tell you to look down and to hold still. And you fucking do.
I was 15 when that started.
I went to experimental clinics, labs, and joined studies. I dropped out of those. Why? It’s pretty simple. The first day I came to the exams, I was kept waiting for over two hours. I was taken into a room. I was left there. No information, no talking. Suddenly a man came in followed by a group of people, all in lab coats. He started moving me around like I was a doll and talking like, “The patient presents with…the patient this, the patient that…”
I shoved him back and said, “The patient’s name is Kristina, and she is 16.”
He finished his exam, and when he left, after the students had gone, he took two Q-tips, dipped them in that pink shit your dentist uses to swab your gums before an injection, and SHOVED them under my eyelids with a cocky smirk.
The patient will never be an snotty little bitch again, I guess.
So yeah. Fuck those guys. They gave me two injections in one day, which no one had ever done before, because it was almost impossible to function with two pimple-like bubbles on your eyeballs.
Still my health was bad. Then all of a sudden, when my mom had given up, It just wasn’t anymore. Suddenly, I was fine, and all that was left were the eyes. I went back to school, except now I was blind.
In a few months, I’d lost about 80% of my perfect vision. I was photophobic. I got horrible and constant headaches. I walked with a cane. And not a single fucking teacher believed me, except my civics teacher, who had gone blind at a young age due to some other weird eye disorder, and my physics teacher who was deaf. I had teachers send me to the office for wearing my sunglasses (with a note on file). I had teachers get on my case about having an audio recorder and CD player for my books. I had teachers call me names, make fun of me, make me leave class to photocopy their notes larger, so that I missed the lecture the notes were on. I had teachers take my medications which had to be in my possession because of their time-sensitive nature and constant administration and hide them in their desks as punishment for asking questions or demanding help. I had classmates pick on me, but luckily, I was well-liked, and I was an officer in the ROTC. I even excelled there in spite of my vision, because my Captain believed in my leadership skills.
I always tell this story because I think it is funny. We had this special boot camp we got to go to if we were in the upper ranks of the ROTC. If you joined the military after high school (which I could never do) you got a higher paygrade for having gone through it. Almost like taking a couple JC classes in the military. It was grueling and all physical fitness, obstacle courses, PT, classes, guard duty…fucking blah. Our unit was allowed six participants. I sort of figured that it wasn’t really fair for me to go, even with my high rank (a company XO). To my complete fucking shock, my Captain recommended me to go, cutting out a classmate (and ex) of mine who was higher in rank. The boy went ape-shit. He went on and on about how unfair it was. He even went to the school board. My Captain made his reasons clear; he told them that the academy isn’t about military sponsorship. It’s about skills and quality. He didn’t care if I had a disability. In his eyes I had more innate ability than anyone there because I had worked so hard just to be where I was. The boy was angry. I told my Captain I appreciated the gesture, but honestly, we ought to make it fair. I told him that we should train to meet the PT standards, and that if this kid could make his, but i couldn’t make mine, he should go. I made mine. He didn’t. He complained about that too. At the last minute, we were told one extra person could come because another school had lost one. So he came anyway. The whole time he bitched about me being there. When I got there, the real military officers gave me shit like you wouldn’t believe, because they weren’t used to dealing with disabilities or recognizing that they can’t discriminate against high schoolers by law. The commander of the unit tried to dress me down in front of everybody for wearing sunglasses. I was pretty pleased with myself for telling him off but still sounding respectful. He kept saying “Take off my glasses”. I told him they weren’t his. They were mine, by law, and that if he had a problem with that, he could consult my attorney, the DOJ, and the doctor who prescribed them. He tried to fuck with me. I didn’t say anything except to ask him if he wanted me to have a migraine, because that’s what taking the glasses off means. He was so confused by me he walked away and called my Captain over. There were words. After that, he came up to me once or twice, almost like a test, to ask me if I needed him to slow down or if I was getting around alright. He wasn’t being nice. He was egging me in a condescending tone and with very bullying language. He’s a drill instructor, and you know what, that’s his job. I told him I was fine. But I made a decision: I wasn’t just going to make the female PT marks. I was going to test out of this fucking place at the male PT marks. And I fucking did. That boy…had an asthma attack on the track (I had asthma too, but I worked my ass off while he coasted on his “boyness”) and failed. At the certificate ceremony, the commander came up to me and said I had really impressed him, and that it was a shame I couldn’t enter the Navy. I thanked him, but what I wanted to say was, “Go fuck yourself and take the NAVY with you”. I ended up the Battalion XO Senior year. This would have given me a guaranteed spot in Westpoint if I could have taken it. My Captain cried when he told me he was sorry he had to give it to one of our Company XO’s. I told him that it was best for everyone, because I am not the type of person to enjoy taking orders. I had learned that about myself.
Around Junior year I got people to pay attention. My doctors got the DOJ and the Social Security people involved. A woman came to my school and enforced compliance in a tone of voice I’d never heard anyone but my mother use. She threatened to rain brimstone down on them if they didn’t give me what I needed, and things changed.
My parents wanted me to take a full scholarship to a local school, but I wanted to get away. So I did. I wanted to travel abroad, so i did. And when I was 19, they perfected one of the surgeries they had been working on the entire time I’d been struggling with this.
See, the injections had brought and kept the swelling down, but that meant that the fog was still there (since ocular fluid doesn’t replace), and the structures in the eye had been stretched all to shit, and were laying in my eye like melted plastic wrap. The old surgery was like a blind man hacking with a machete, but the new surgery used fluorescent dyes to track movement. Dyes that wouldn’t kill me. The old surgery had a 50-50 shot at complete loss of vision and made you lay on your face for three weeks. The new was fool proof and took 45 minutes. So, I got one eye done. They swapped out all the fluid and replaced it with saline. They peeled the distorted membrane off the macula. They stitched up my eyeball and gave me a sick metal eye patch. Looked like a fucking space pirate. It was rad.
But the blind spot is still there. The cataracts caused by the steroids are still there. The scars are there.
A few years later I had the other one done too.
My college was great. It took a lot of work getting all my reading done, about 500 pages minimum, per week, done via audio. I used to spend hours at the pool table in our residence hall, listening to my books and practicing. I got pret damn good too, at pool. It was difficult taking notes or working with a note taker. It was scary traveling by myself. It was hard to get people to understand there wasn’t anything WRONG with me. Just that my eyes don’t work even though it seems like I’m normal and fine, and like they should. People always think to be legally blind you have to be completely blind, and they think you’re not going to be able to defend yourself. I’ve been targeted by pickpockets. I’ve been followed by scary dudes. I’ve been treated like shit, laughed at, and accused by full grown adults of faking to get privileges, all because I can look at the place where their head should be and smile at the blank spot there. All because I can walk down a flight of stairs with a few neat tricks I know that have nothing to do with a cane.
But shit…you probably didn’t mean to ask for my life story. I’m going to get back to the point. My writing. What has it done for that? Like how can you be a writer if you can’t fucking see? Technology. It’s been amazing. I can use a computer same as anyone. The Kindle has been a fucking revolution for me because for the first time in a decade and a half I could read without pain and suffering. Just…all the things it does have made life so much easier than it used to be. It got me out of bad relationships with people who used my disability as a control. It gave me a little bit of confidence back. It helped me know I could handle myself.
And really, I think my vision loss had a lot to do with my writing. In some ways it gives me different perspective, sure, but it’s more than that. I was undeclared when I entered college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I thought about history or sociology. My mom had a degree in that and she was an English teacher. I wanted art history, but what the fuck was the point in that? Couldn’t see a damn thing. And then I had a class in poetry, and shit…That made sense. I’d always loved language and writing. Always been okay at it. Dorte stuff but never thought about doing it for a living. But then it was like yeah…yeah I’m gonna fucking do that. Just like when I decided to meet the male PT standards.
If it is in you. If you love it. If it defines you and possesses you, it does not matter how fucked up you are. You will find a way. You don’t have a choice. You are that thing. And you’ll adapt. You just have to let yourself. You have to keep pushing. You have to learn how to handle frustration. you have to train yourself into stamina. You just keep going. I’m nowhere near as successful as I want to be. I’m still going. I hope I get even better. I hope I can say things that make truth more obvious, or that help people put words to things they have always wanted to say.
I don’t need my eyes to be a fucking firestorm. That’s just me. Eyes don’t mean shit.
So keep going. Keep doing whatever you need to. Do it better and better. Bend yourself around it. People who see you struggle will think they’re lucky, but you and I know the truth: they’re not even close to the kind of strong you are. Not even a little bit.
glassanimals: dear friends…nervously excited to share with you the video for Agnes. it’s hard to explain exactly how it feels inside a human centrifuge. you sit in a small egg-like pod about the size of a horse which hangs off a 50 foot steel horizontal frame. It looks like something out of a bond villain’s lair. it’s claustrophobic and uncomfortable and also incredibly hot.
slowly the whole thing starts to rotate like a helicopter blade. Faster and faster until every part of you becomes crushed under the extreme gravity. its like being slowly sat on by an elephant, or like your whole body being punched in slow motion. you have to flex every muscle and use every ounce of strength you have to keep going. breathing requires serious effort. movement becomes incredibly strained and almost painful. everything that once weighed 5 kilograms now weighs 50. its difficult even to keep your eyes open. it hurts in places you really didn’t know existed. veins and capillaries burst under the pressure and bruising begins. its a rapid physical overdrive.
the blood rushes from your brain making it impossible to think rationally or focus. your eyes are also drained and you get tunnel vision…only able to see small circles of the world directly infront of you and your sight goes completely greyscale…no more colour. your balance and spatial awareness goes and the world begins to spin like you’ve had way too much to drink. but the most striking thing is the way that the machine pulls on your heart. you can actually feel it struggling to beat and changing shape…flattening inside of your chest. Its similar to that horrible sinking, tugging heartache that comes only with complete and overwhelming sadness. and then you pass out.
we ran the centrifuge 18 times while i tried to sing along to a song which i find difficult to listen to at the best of times.
this was probably the most intense video-making experience I’ll ever have. But its the only way that we could just about begin to simulate for a moment what happens within Agnes.
Authors note: What do you guys think? Should Shawn still be a jerk to her or should he start to warm up to her? TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME
Recap:“I’ll see you next time.” He grins at me while I stare indifferently at him. “Y/n.” I slammed the door. There was no way in hell that the arrogant man who was just in my room was my soulmate. Not unless someone stuffed something up.
“Mum?” I ask, looking up at her from my yogurt and granola breakfast. It was the morning after the visit from my soulmate- who I still didn’t know the name of.
“Yes Sweetie?” She turns to me from where she stands by the sink, washing the dishes.
“Is it possible that a match can be a mistake?” I bite my lip, awaiting her answer.
Her eyebrows scrunch in confusion. “Not at all, Y/n. Why do you ask that?”
I push the oats around with my spoon, feeling disappointed. “I just saw a match the other day and they’re the complete opposite of each other. In any other world I think they wouldn’t have even spared each other a glance.”
She hums, thinking it over. “Sometimes the soulmate system is like that. We put people together who some may think would never work. Yes we take appearances into consideration, but it’s really about what’s on the inside.” She sends me a small smile. “We don’t just mix and match Y/n, you know that the matching officials spend months picking the perfect pairs. Occasionally we get soulmates where we wonder did we make the right decision or will they even work?”
“So there could be mistakes?” I ask hopefully, and she pauses, scanning my expression curiously.
“I wouldn’t bet on it Honey. We never make errors. The human race depends on the system too much for us to stuff things up.”
I nod absentmindedly. “What if one of them was hell-bent on never having a soulmate?” I ask quietly, feeling a weight on my chest.
“You’re asking a lot of unusual questions today. Are you feeling okay?” Mum asks, wiping the suds off her hands and walking over to me.
“Yeah, I guess I’m just nervous to meet my soulmate. What do I do if he doesn’t want me.” My voice is so quiet now and I fear that if I raise it, I’ll start crying.
“Honey, you can’t think like that. That is the worst case scenario that you’re thinking of.” She leans over the counter top of the breakfast bar to stroke a piece of hair behind my ear.
“If that does happen, here’s what you’re going to do.” She has a determined look in her eyes and I know that I’m in for a good pep talk.
“What am I going to do?” I grin at her and she holds my hands, keeping my gaze.
“You’re going to walk right up to your soulmate and say, “Its too bad that you don’t want me because I am the greatest girl you’re ever going to get! No one’s going to treat you the way I’do treat you and there’s no way in hell that you’d find a girl who would love you the way I’d love you.” I laugh, shaking my head at my Mum’s attempt to cheer me up.
“If that doesn’t work just slap a little sense into him.” She winks at me and I smile, shaking my head.
“You’re crazy Mum,”
“Hey! We share the same DNA so you’re calling yourself crazy.” She scolds me and I get up, putting my bowl by the sink.
As I’m about to leave I say the one thing I know that will rile her up more than anything. Chucking a grin at her I call “People say I look more like Dad. Your genes are weak!”
I think a plate might have smashed.
A knocking on my door breaks my concentration from the book I was reading. I still, waiting to hear the sound again. More knocking persists and I feel my stomach flip. The sound wasn’t coming from my bedroom door, it was the one leading to my patio.
It was dark outside, my alarm clock reading 9:36. I peel the covers off my body, goosebumps appearing on my bare legs, my sleep attire only consisting of a large t shirt and some pajama shorts. Creeping over to the door, I peek out of the curtains.
My soulmate stands on the other side of the glass, an unimpressed look on his face. He mouths something and I stare at him, confused.
“What?” I say, pulling the curtains away. He points at the door and I smirk, finally understanding what he wants.
“You want to come inside?” I say smugly, placing my hands on my hips. He nods once, shoving his hands into his jean pockets and rocking back on his heels. Surprise, surprise, he was wearing all black again.
I wave good bye at him, and a look of shock appears on his face just as the curtain covers him. I grin as I walk back to my bed, feeling triumph as I was the one who got to walk away this time.
My doorknob rattles and I sit back on my bed, confident that in a few minutes he’d be gone. Once again, it looks like I’ve underestimated my soulmate.
The door opens, a chilly air brushing over my legs. My match slides through, his hair a ruffled mess atop his head.
“That wasn’t very nice of you Princess.” He grins, shutting the door behind him.
“I don’t want to know how you got in, again.” I tell him, picking my book back up to read, intent on ignoring his presence.
“I came all this way to see you and you’re just going to ignore me?” He pouts cheekily and I close my novel calmly. Getting back up, I prowl towards my match.
“So you finally come crawling back to your soulmate? Thought you didn’t want me?” I taunt, waiting for his reply of disinterest to hit me. My words seem to roll off him however.
“I don’t.” He states, yet for a second he looked unsure. I stare back at him, my mother’s words filling my mind.
“Listen here Match.” I spit, stepping closer to him. “Its too bad that you don’t want me because I am the greatest girl you will ever get.” He doesn’t say anything, just waits for me to continue.
“You are missing out on the best thing that could ever happen to you. No one’s going to treat you the way I’d treat you and there’s no way in hell that you’d find a girl who would love you the way I’d love you.”
It’s silent, and my cheeks heat in embarrassment from my outburst. He grips my chin softly, forcing me to meet his hazel eyes.
He’s close enough that I could kiss him if I wanted to. I hold my breath waiting for his response.
Leaning close enough that our noses brush he whispers, “I’ll take my chances”, then he’s gone and I’m left standing there wondering what the heck just happened.
ok normally I post all my meals together but this cookie dough oatmeal deserves its own post. I fell in love with this recipe I found here on Tumblr years ago and then lost it, and I’ve LITERALLY been looking for it for the last two years, searching through every oatmeal recipe I could find, looking through my 10,000+ likes on this website to no avail, but finally last night I randomly logged in to my old MyFitnessPal account and I found the recipe saved!!!! so of course the first thing I did this morning was cook up a batch and it’s just as delicious as I remembered. it’s literally the best oatmeal ever so here’s the recipe for anyone else who wants to try!!
1 c almond milk
1/3 c quick oats
1 tbsp almond butter
1 tbsp agave
1 tsp coconut oil
¼ tsp salt
a couple of pieces of dark chocolate chopped up
let the milk come to a boil, throw the oats in and let it cook down for about 8 minutes, and then mix in the almond butter, agave, oil, and salt while it’s still in the pot. transfer to a bowl, mix in the chocolate, and enjoy the best oats you will ever eat
heyy it's me anonnie~ (this'll be my thing when i request lol) and could i have rfa + v + saeran finding out mc's really bad at what they're best at?? like: yoosung teaching mc how to play LoLoL and mc being really bad or seven teaching mc how to hack and mc not understanding anything?? thanksss~
Sure! Hope you like it:D
It was one of his tougher roles, and he really wanted to get into the romantic role
So, he thought to involve you in practicing
You tried to say that you weren’t the best
But he shrugged it off, “It’s just reading lines. Please, MC?”
You couldn’t refuse him and he handed you the script
He says his long monologue perfectly and beautifully
And then it was your line
Bad was understatement
You were so rigid, and he felt horrible because he was less in a mood when you were reading
Thankfully, you got the hint and knew your own weakness so you made an excuse about dinner or something
He had always wanted to play LOLOL with you
So when you were over one time, he asked if you wanted to give it a go with him
You agreed, although you were a bit shy because you didn’t have much experience with games
You start out and you are really bad
But he thinks you just need to get used to it
You’re still bad
He dedicates himself to teach you his ways and help you rise to the top
Three weeks later…you’re still bad
“Yoosung…I’m really bad at this, aren’t I?”
“No, MC! But…let’s not be on the same team today. You–er–need to learn independence.”
Eventually, you just stopped as it was beginning to be torture for the both of you
Signing you into the coffee shop was a sentimental thing
Jaehee didn’t expect you to be so bad at making coffee
Even after the classes you both went through, your coffee was often burnt or downright milk
You felt so horrible because you really wanted to help with the cafe
You were on the verge of quitting for Jaehee’s sake
But she came up with the idea of having you mostly manage things with customers
And, with some help, you learned how to make some of the best iced tea and iced coffee
It was just the hot coffee you continually messed up
As long as you left it to Jaehee, everything ran smoothly
You wanted to spend more time with him
But you also knew his work was important
So one day, he suggests you help him with some of that work
That meant helped making good business decisions and coming up with potential projects
You were horrible at both
He explained a certain choice to either help or harm the business, and you made some pretty…damaging suggestions
You felt bad about it so you tried to offer some project ideas
Those were even worse than his cat project ideas
You could tell that your suggestions were bad, even though Jumin let you down really nicely
So you discreetly bow out without raising suspicion
Much later, you make an off handed comment about something while making dinner
And Jumin just pauses, “Actually….that’s a great business idea.”
You feel better about the whole ordeal after that
You tried asking him to teach you some hacking tricks
But he really didn’t want you anywhere near that
Instead, he offered to teach you to build robots
That time you refused
But…with the frustration of his gate, you asked him to teach you one or two of the 17 languages he speaks
He was totally hyped for that
He tries teaching you Arabic
No matter how well he explained things, it just looked like scribbles to you
And you couldn’t remember a single word after his lesson was over
Figuring it may not be your thing just yet, he tries switching over to a European language
French really was a little better for you
You could remember the words at least…but your pronunciation was sooo bad
You tried practicing with him randomly, but he turns to you wide eyed
“MC! You just swore at me!”
Apparently pronunciation is important…
In the end, you stick with your main language…at least you understood binary
Saeran wasn’t as reserved as Seven when it came to hacking
He agreed to teach you
At first, things were pretty simple
You thought you were picking up the computer code pretty well
So, Saeran gives you a computer with a virus–more of a prank than a virus–but still
He comes back a few hours later to you staring blankly at a screen
He sees what you did
“MC…you made it worse, what the heck?”
“I don’t know! It’s just so much green!”
He doesn’t bother teaching you again…for the sake of his computers
He was always taking pictures of you during outings
So for once you want to take one of him
He agrees and hands you the camera
You take a few snapshots, though all the buttons are kind of confusing
He takes a look later and you blush seeing how blurry, crooked, and out of focus they are
He decides to give you a few pointers
Which helps when it comes to framing…but you’re still really bad in general
But V is really super sweet about it
He takes photos for you most of the time, and never teases you about your photo taking skills
john laurens. knows swear words in like ten different languages. freckles. his entire face lights up when he laughs. always talking, no matter who’s in the room. the mastermind behind all pranks; he finds loopholes and makes plans, then smooth-talks them all out of trouble. only drinks three things; water, orange juice and sam adams beer. constantly cold despite his multiple layers of clothing. insomniac. really likes showers. gentle, kind, compassionate; but also, devious, snarky, stubborn. science connoisseur. loves taking pictures of the hamilsquad doing simple things. flirts with everyone and everything when he’s drunk. so, so grateful for his best friends. always playing old music on his record-player in the dorm. perfectly okay with being unnoticed, as long as he still has his friends at his side. gets bored easily when watching movies, unless it’s star wars or harry potter. curls around the closest pillow or person when he’s asleep. couldn’t care less if his shirt is buttoned or if his tie is straight, and never bothers to retie his shoelaces. always gives meaningful, personal gifts. has a sense of domesticity about him; he can make a foreign room seem like home. too preoccupied to tidy up after himself, so the area around his bed is always cluttered and disorganized. when he gets an idea or is brainstorming, his mind moves a million miles an hour and its impossible to stop him. the most articulate of the group; he could make the simplest sentence sound like poetry. really good at drawing, but doesn’t usually do it. loves biology, especially if it’s marine biology. can’t even bother with physics, though. content in silence, but he finds it strange when he can’t hear his best friends arguing over something in the background. tries to notice every little thing, even if it’s just the way his friend’s eyes look just a little brighter when they laugh.
Since I`m a kid,I wake up in the middle of the night every day. I told my parents but they said it`s nothing. What`s wrong with me?
Hi there lovely anon :)
I can understand where you’re coming from. As a child, I would have major issues sleeping (I still do). I’ve got some tips for you on sleep in general and some different ways you can help yourself fall and stay asleep plus some links :)
How to improve sleep:
Listen to calming music- Having music in the background is helpful because it allows your mind to flow into the music while you drift off to sleep.
Sleep medication- Talk to your doctor about prescribing you a natural sleep medication if you are having severe instability to sleep.
Calming scents- Having calming scents in your room
such as lavender or vanilla are helpful because those scents ease the
mind and are very nice to smell.
Comfortable temperature- If your room is too hot or
cold, it can be hard to sleep and find that just right stop. I suggest
having a fan in the summer time that can blow cool breeze at you, and in
the winter have a heater or have a plan to wear more blankets.
Limit distractions- When you’re trying to fall
asleep, having things around you that can be distracting, its best to
move those things out of the room or turn them off. You could put your
cell phone on the counter instead of your nightstand so you are not
woken up each time you get a text.
Comfort items- Having stuffed animals or blankets
can help improve your sleep because when you have those items, you feel
comfortable and in a safe place which is a must for a good nights sleep.
I have some general advice on how you can cope with having nightmares and some more links for you:
Create a playlist of music that relaxes you. Keep your music
player on your night stand so that it is available when you wake up.
Keep a journal by your bed. When you wake up, write down everything
you remember about the nightmare. This will help to focus you on a
task and distract you, plus you may start to notice trends. Writing
things down can be highly therapeutic.
As with most sleep disorders, try to keep a regular sleep-wake
cycle. Get up at the same time every day, go to sleep at the same time
every night. Having a routine before bed is important as well, as it
prepares your brain for sleep.
Reserve your bed for sleep only: no watching TV, texting, or using
your laptop.Regular exercise reduces stress and releases endorphins, and
can reduce your night terrors.
Once you’ve looked over those links (I know there are tons, but I like to go above and beyond)
Anyways, below are some general tips on how you can fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer:
Get the number of hours of sleep each night you need to function optimally. Although it varies, most individuals need between seven and eight hours of sleep every night.
When sleep-deprived, you are less efficient and focused during the
day, and may be leaving yourself open for health risks as well. Research has shown sleep
deprivation can affect appetite, weight gain, diabetes risk, the
strength of your immune system and even your chance of developing
depression. If you have been trying to get by on less sleep, try backing
up bedtime by 15 minutes each week, until you are getting the amount of
sleep that leaves you feeling refreshed in the morning.
Create a calming atmosphere in your bedroom.
If your room is cluttered with work, books that have not been read,
papers to attend to, and dirty laundry, it will be a constant reminder
of all you need to do. Take 15 minutes each day and begin clearing the
clutter and making your room one you will look forward to relaxing in at
the end of each day.
Make your bed in the morning. A straightened bed is so much more appealing to go to at night then one that is a jumble of sheets and blankets.
Reserve your bed for sleep and sex only.
This will allow your mind to associate your bed with rest and
relaxation only. Watch TV, use your computer, talk on the phone, and eat
Create a calming nighttime ritual.Turn off your computer, shut the TV, and do not answer your phone for
an hour before you want to go to sleep. Choose activities you find
calming. Take a warm bath, read a magazine or novel, have some
decaffeinated tea or cookies and milk.
Keep your bedroom cool at night. For most individuals, 65 to 67 degrees Fahrenheit will allow the dip in core body temperature you need to induce sleep.
Avoid caffeine in the later afternoon and evening. Caffeinated coffee, tea, soft drinks, chocolate and sugar-laden snacks can all keep you too wired to fall asleep at bedtime.
Avoid late night workouts.
Exercise is a great sleep aid, but a vigorous workout too late in the
day may keep you up at night. However, a leisurely walk after dinner
could be just the thing to calm your body and mind.
Avoid alcohol and spicy foods in the late evenings.
Although a nightcap may help you fall asleep, you will probably
experience fragmented sleep, and find yourself wide-awake within a few
hours. Steer clear of spicy foods or anything you know causes you
heartburn or gastric distress.
If an evening party or
celebration finds you consuming wine or cocktails, drink plenty of water
throughout the evening, and keep a water bottle by your bedside. This way, if you do wake up dehydrated, you will not need to get out of bed.
Spend a few minutes creating your “to do list” and preparing for the next day. This will allow your mind to know everything is ready and your morning will be calmer as well.
Keep a pad and pen by your bedside.
If you wake in the middle of the night, and your mind is racing with
thoughts of things you neglected to do, or need to get done, writing
them down will release your mind from worrying about forgetting in the
morning, allowing you to drift back to sleep.
If you have not fallen asleep after 20 minutes, get out of bed and find a relaxing spot to read.
Do not use your technology or watch TV, do anything that requires brain
work, or look at a clock. Any of these will stimulate you and increase
your anxiety. As soon as you feel sleepy, return to bed.
Go to bed and get up at the same time every day no matter how much sleep you had the night before.
The closer you can keep to a routine, the more your body will recognize
and respond appropriately to your bedtime and wake up hours. Don’t
attempt to make up for lost sleep during the week by sleeping in all
i hate to be a bother but i was wondering how you do anatomy for your drawings?
it’s no bother, but i’m sorry i’m really bad at explaining things lol
So, the biggest thing I cannot stress enough, is to use references, especially with complicated poses c: I’m sure this isn’t the 100% correct way to do this, but it’s how I do my drawings.
I learned it’s helpful use a simplified skeleton like these ones I drew below. It all like, breaks down into using angles and shapes/lines.
I would suggest looking up videos, or trying to get an anatomy drawing book on life drawing and gesture, it helped me a whole lot. Also i think there are people on youtube who will have a stronger idea of how to explain breaking a pose down when you draw it c:
I generally come up with my own poses and then find references to help flesh them out, but for the sake of time;
I got my reference photo and I broke down her pose. I looked at how her shoulders are sloped, and which way her body is angled, and worked that into my simple skeleton. From there I start sketching and fleshing out the pose using the reference photo.
So then if you’re doing the opposite, and coming up with your own pose, I would draw the simple skeleton in the pose you want and then find a reference to help flesh it out and sometimes it’s gonna be several different references that you combine to fill in what you need.
This can be a tedious process to learn, but the more you practice it’ll start to come along easier, you’ll probably even find a way that works better for you c:
I hope this is helpful, again, I’m not the best at explaining things, but yeah, try to learn how to simplify things down into shapes and use references and it’ll help you get going in the right direction c:
Summary: Y/n is one of the popular girls in school who fucks around with people’s feelings. Tom and Y/n went on their first date and things starts from there, Y/n thought that he’s the one but on the other hand, Tom have a better idea.
Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader
Warnings: Swear Words
A/n: UNEDITED, I hate the ending, sorry i’m not a good writer even though I love writing. WHY HIM Pt.2 is coming tomorrowwwww. I just think the GIF is cute. Also I really want to make new friends on Tumblr so if you’re bored you can hmu, I hope I don’t sound desperate.
“Y/n what’s going on with you?” My best friend asks shaking her head as if she’s disappointed.
“What do you mean?” I ask her back leaning against my locker, moving my eyes from her to Tom who is standing with his best friend, Harrison. They are laughing and talking like there’s nobody else in the world, oblivious to the fact that I’m staring at them.
“You’ve been all dreamy about Tom. Last time I checked you were the one who doesn’t give a shit about anybody and all you do was break every boys’ hearts.” She explain, resting her hand on her hips, tilting her head to one side.
“Have you ever talked to him?” I ask and continue to stare at them quite creepily.
“He’s just so nice and sweet and polite and.. pretty.” I say, looking back at my best friend now as she stares at me weirdly when I said ‘pretty’.
“Pretty?” She says with her British accent. I nod my head and tried to explain it to her but I decided to stop because she won’t get it.
The bell rings loudly throughout the school as the students begin to push each other around, trying not to be late to their classes. Tom and his best friend separate. Tom walks in the same direction as me, a grin finds its way onto my face as I walk in front of him.
I sit on my seat behind Tom’s as the class begin. The teacher starts blabbing as I look at Tom’s hair, imagining what it would be like if I could touch it.
After 20 minutes of explaining the things we don’t need or will never ever use in our lives she left the classroom to get some more papers for us to work on.
Suddenly, Tom turns around and looks at me as I look back at him with a confused face. The tension is building up slowly, it starts to make me uncomfortable sitting under his stare.
“Do you need any help?” I ask, trying to break the tension.
“Do you wanna hang out sometimes?” He asks not stuttering what so ever and he doesn’t seem nervous. People said that if a boy doesn’t stutter when they ask you means that they don’t actually like you. That’s probably true but he’s Tom, he probably have a lot of girlfriends before he decided to ask me, maybe he’s just used to asking girls to hangout right? Right?
Right, I try to convince myself.
“M-me?” How is this happening, one of the school biggest slut just stuttered? My friends look at me weirdly, some students also turn to look at us, hearing me stutter.
“Mhm, so yes or no?” He smirks a bit, seeing my nervousness. I nod my head, desperately as I smile.
“Okay so tomorrow after school?” He asks, leaning back on his chair, resting his hand on my table, fiddling with the pencil on the table. I nod my head once again, he nods his head back, the smirk still on his face before he turns back when the teacher walks in.
When the teacher isn’t looking I take my phone out and texted my boyfriend who I was emotionally cheating on.
“What am I going to wear!?” I shout at myself in the mirror before I pace around my room. There’s only 10 minutes left and I have no idea what to wear. I decided to just wear a pair of jeans with a purple hoodie. I jump into the shower and came out about 5 minutes later.
I decided not to wear make up, even though I like Tom a lot I don’t need to impress him that much, I can’t give him all my effort without knowing how much he’s going to give me his.
I grab my phone and rush out of my house and meet up with Tom. He’s wearing his usual buttoned up shirt and a pair of jeans, showing me that he didn’t put that much effort. He smiles at me before he grabbed my hands, dragging my into the cinema after he bought us our tickets.
“This movie is boring, Tom.” I say turning my face to him as he stares at the screen, nodding his head. My eyes shift around the big room seeing that there are less then ten people in here.
“Yeah, I’m trying to concentrate but I just don’t get this movie.” He says, eating more popcorns.
“Do you wanna do something else?” He asks nicely, turning to me raising both of his brows.
“I mean we can go somewhere else,” I shrug my shoulders. He chuckles quietly to himself. “What?”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He says, reaching his hands out to grab mine. I look down at our hands confused for a second before I get what he meant.
“Oh, I didn’t think that you were the type to you know..” I say, getting quieter as the sentence begin to end. He just smiles and begins to lean closer to my face. The closer he is the faster my heart beats. My heart is hammering against my chest. Tom reaches his other hand out and lightly cups my left cheek.
“I thought you don’t like girls like me.” I pull back from his face, grabbing his hand off my cheek. He looks surprise for a split second but it disappear just as fast as I notice it.
“What do you mean girls like you?” He asks.
“You know, break peoples hearts, ruins other lives and fuck around with people a lot.” I say as the movie in front of us continues to play.
“Well so far you haven’t done anything to me.” Tom shrugs. “Also, I heard that you broke up with your two days boyfriend yesterday.” Tom states.
“Yeah well.. he wasn’t exactly nice.” I excuse not wanting him to know the real reason. Without saying anything he begins to lean closer to my face once again.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask, when his face is a few inches away from mine. He nods before he closes the gap between us. One of his hands finds its way to my waist, pulling me against the arm rest. I was tense for a few seconds before I relax as he begins to move his lips on mine. We both close our eyes, deepening the kiss. I reach my hand and wrap my fingers his neck. My fingers tangle with his soft curly hair. He uses his thumb to draw small circles on my stomach.
We both pull away from each other and stares into each other’s dark eyes in the shadow of the cinema. We are both breathing heavily, a small blush grows on my face as I look away from him for a second. He pulls on my hands, telling me to get out of my seat.
I stand up from my seat and take a step towards him, he shifts a bit in his seat before he pulls onto my waist. So this is what my life have taken me, now I’m straddling Tom in the cinema. My knees are bending on the soft cinema seat as Tom pulls me closer to him, holding onto my neck and kiss me once again. I start to grind my hips on him, creating some frictions. I pull away from his kisses and go down to jaw and collarbone, kissing them lightly trying to find his sweet spot.
“Fuck.” He whispered to himself as he let out a small quiet whimper when I kiss just under his left jaw, his grip on my waist tightens as I suck on his soft skin. His hands travel down further my waist before one of them goes back and holds onto my neck once again. He uses one of his finger to guide my face onto his, I place my lips on his, moving quickly and desperately. After some times, he pulls away and starts to kiss my collarbone, causing me to grind harder onto him. He pulls his hand down to my waist again, this time dipping his fingers down the front of my jean resting just above the hem of my underwear, rubbing small circles once again.
Every week after that day we would go on dates and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Every time we went to watch a movie he would make an effort to walk me home which is very sweet. He would be holding my hand the whole time, sometimes he would play with my fingers which was kind of weird but still cute.
At school he would always give me light kisses on my lips and neck. At lunch he would sit with me not caring about the stares we receive everyday at school. And holding hands in the hallway, god I feel like he’s the one (I cringed). He does things normal boyfriends do but he’s better than the others.
Everyday my heart grow more for him, we haven’t done anything other then making out and occasionally dry sex which I was glad for, I really want our relationship to be special but something else is happening.
These past few days he have been distant, he rarely texts or talks to me at school. People were starting to notice and some of them asked me if we’re still together which I answer with a simple ‘I’m not sure’.
“Have you heard!?” My best friend yells into her phone, causing me to flinch away from my own phone.
“Heard what?” I ask, getting worried because she would never yell into her phone even if she’s excited about something.
“What about him?” I sit on my bed, playing with the duvet in my hand.
“He have a new girl friend?” She answers with a questioning tone in her voice.
“New girlfriend? But he’s with me.” After I said that, everything makes sense. He have been distant for a while and we haven’t been on as much dates as before. My heart begins to race faster in my chest as realization hits me like a brick.
“The girl even posted a picture on her Instagram account. Look at it.” I put her on speaker and go on Instagram, she told me her name and I searched it up. The girl even tagged Tom on her photo. They were smiling at the camera, his hand on her waist. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I wipe I off, I can’t cry because of a boy, that would make me weak.
Then I read the caption; With my lovely boyfriend ❤
I ended the call with my best friend after a while of talking. I buried my face into my pillow and started to cry, my heart aching. I’ve never cried over anybody, I didn’t expect myself to fall this hard for a boy who was obviously acting. I guess that’s what happened when you give people everything you have. They end up hurting you and that’s why it’s always better for me to just hurt people.
I look up from my pillow when my phone begin to ring. It’s Tom calling. I answer the phone and pretend that I don’t know about his new girlfriend and just try to hide the lump climbing up my throat. He told me to meet him in the park near my house and I agreed.
“So what does it feels like?” He asks as soon as he sees me.
“What do you mean?” I ask, pretending to be confused and pretending that my heart isn’t breaking inside.
“What does it feels like to suffer from a relationship. It hurts doesn’t it?” At that moment I figure out that he knew that I’m hurting, probably from my red eyes.
“What are you talking about?” I let out a small nervous laugh at the end, grabbing onto the hem of my hoodie, playing with it as a habit when I’m nervous or scared.
“You’re one of the most popular girls in school, I’m sure you’ve heard that I have a new girlfriend, who’s better than you because I know that she would never play with my feelings or.. any boys feelings as a matter of fact.” He says, taking a step closer to me.
“But I’m not playing with your feelings. My feelings for you are real and you know that. I’m sure you’re smart enough to see that.” My voice shakes slightly as I try to blink the tears away.
“Everybody knows that you’ve fallen for me, they notice your behavior around me. And you know what they say? They said 'Oh my god she actually have feelings’ which is quite sad, considering all you’ve been doing is breaking people’s heart, especially the ones that gave you their all. And now I’m doing the same thing to you, reading your heart.” Tom says staring into my teary eyes.
“So this was your plan all along? Just to lead me on, thinking we have something real when all you’ve been trying to do is hurt me like I did with others.” I ask, stepping away from him as he takes a step.
“Well then congrats, you did it. You made me cry and broke my heart. I deserve it.”
“Yes you do,” Tom agrees, I press my lips into a thin line trying to hold back my tears that are slowly flooding my eyes. It feels like a small needle was pierced into my heart, trying to stitch up the broken pieces but there was no thread so all it was doing was giving me more pain.
I nod my head once again and turn around, ready to leave and continue my own life, hopefully making it better.
“I started to actually like you, you know the first time we hung out was actually nice,I had fun and I’m sure you did too but every time I think about you and I together my mind flashes back to the things you did to others. I know that you’re actually nice, but you kept hurting people and I can’t be with someone who hurts my friends.” Tom says loudly as I listen but I don’t stop.
“I was surprise when you said that I actually don’t like girls like you but why can’t you just stop hurting other people?” He asks, some people are staring at us waiting to see what happens next.
“I was trying but you haven’t really given me the chance to stop.” I say as my mind flashes back to the times I thought about stopping, I was going to. Tom is everything I’ve ever wanted but now that he’s gone and that he has a new girlfriend, I decided to go back to normal and stop loving people just like before. Isn’t that how people these days deal with their problems? Hurting other people just to protect themselves?
get comfortable people of the internet with vaginas
this is because its harder for us girls to find help on these types of things and its a little awkward talking amongst others about this
i’m serious when i say get comfortable. this is how you will start.
maybe you could get comfy in your bed, or lay out on your couch. or even on your floor if thats what you like best.
i would suggest you lay out a towel maybe just in case you get a little soaked, you wouldn’t want to get your bedding all wet
take off your clothes. you’re looking pretty hot if i do say so myself
you can play with your boobs a little, don’t be afraid to touch parts of your body you haven’t already before. see what you like best. you might find this turns you on but don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t
so hopefully all of us here know a little of our anatomy but do not get your panties in a twist if you have no idea what you’re doing
obviously, we are all different. we don’t all look like this and thats okay. we come in all different shapes and sizes. its good to be different :)
oh wow fun fact, most of the pleasure you experience through sex is not via your sexual organs, its all in your nervous system, your brain and how you perceive things
okay where were we? so hopefully you’ve read smut or you’ve been looking at naughty pictures so you must be a little wet. its alright to go check. that’s right. run a finger along your entrance (aka vagina opening). take one hand and spread your inner labia/inner lips to get better access. it might not feel good doing this but we are just checking to see what’s going on down under
you should probably also keep some tissues nearby..
okay now if you keep running your hand up your slit towards the front of your body, you’ll run into a little snag. right where the lips start, there will be a little hard ball (idk how to describe it).
if you touch it, it might be really sensitive, its filled with a bunch of nerve endings so it might hurt a little. sometimes people like to keep their underwear on because this area is extremely sensitive to touch.
usually there is a little ‘hood’ of skin covering this bud but i think we can start calling this a clit now? okay the clit. try pressing down on this and see how that feels.
you can rub it in circles or figure eights or draw little shapes on it. try spelling the alphabet while placing pressure on your clit
does that feel good?
typically stimulating your clit is enough to get off and reach climax. if this is your first time, its okay not to reach climax. this type of thing takes practice. just keep exploring your body and find what feels good to you
when you are ready to take this a step further and go deeper, follow these next instructions
spread your legs open a little and put your fingers at your vagina opening. you should be nice and wet before starting this process to make things much easier. if not, there are plenty of options for lube that you can buy at your local pharmacy.
make sure your nails are cut nice and short or this will hurt
slowly ease a finger inside. it might be tight and uncomfortable if you’re a beginner but this is totally normal.
try thrusting your one finger in and out to get used to the motion. to increase pleasure you should rub your clit with your other hand at the same time. or you could play with and massage your boobs.
vaginal orgasms also known as g spot orgasms are much harder to reach without other forms of stimulation
ok tips on how to reach your g spot…your g spot is located on the anterior wall of your vagina (which is the wall on your front, closest to your belly, not your back). you’re going to use your finger to feel around. it should be a few inches in and its okay if you can’t reach it, it doesn’t mean its not there. it should be a little rough patch. if you keep hitting a hard spot, its probably just your pubic bone, your g spot is a little above that.
it is much easier to find your g spot when you are stimulated.
i get a ton of questions on how to squirt. everyone is capable of squirting but not everyone can squirt on command. continue reading if you would like some tips on how to squirt…
it is important to edge yourself. get really turned on and stimulated. edging involves putting off your orgasm as long as possible. you’re going to masturbate until you can’t take it anymore. once you’ve reached this point and you feel like you really need to release, place a finger (or a few) inside your hole and apply a lot of pressure on your g spot.
if it feels like you have to pee, just relax and let it all out
oh and for all of you wondering what an orgasm feels like, it feels really good. its hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it before
feel free to ask me anything else and i will try to answer as best i can with the knowledge i have but please note that i am not a sex expert or health expert
less than twenty four hours after you re-break my heart over coffee and a sticky tabletop,
the 2017 solar eclipse happens.
it’s impressive that my heart’s racket during this short amount of time was so loud that the universe chose to respond with such a passionate acknowledgment of its suffering.
[I know supposedly that these things aren’t related, but I rely too much on signs to act as if this wasn’t a causal relationship.]
so, in this scenario, you’re the sun and I’m the moon. or,
maybe I’m the sun. or,
maybe neither of us are the sun or the moon
and we’re just two people on opposite sides of the planet
pointing at the same thing.
while the moon was trying its best to prepare itself for the kiss of every photographer’s wet dream
I was crying over you in the middle of target with a ten dollar planner and four pairs of socks in my cart.
fast forward to 2:34 p.m. the next day and I find myself sharing eclipse glasses with my coworkers,
playing audience to a love so tender that, without taking the proper safety precautions, it could leave a permanent spot on your retina.
I don’t know if this is romantic, tragic, or a different class of dedication altogether.
anyways, when the moon began to leave their star as they always do,
I looked away,
the world tinged grey by how bittersweet it is to
yearn for someone you’ll never be on time for. and I
wished you were there.
I wished you were there.
but, of course, you weren’t.
maybe in another world under another sky you were,
but not here. not with this skin. not with those hands.
so with that idea bobbing tirelessly within my gravitational pull I walked back to the break-room and made a note in my planner to run to the store after my shift for some boxed macaroni and the seltzer that reminds me of our lips meeting again and again,
a natural phenomenon now rendered obsolete.