it's the best thing i could find

replaying lonesome road, really replaying it - getting tyler to register as an independent courier, looking for as many of the tapes as i could find, looking through ulysses’ words as thoroughly as i can - god, i already thought highly of lonesome road and its writing but it’s literally one of the best fucking things written


James as a sniper

for Anonymous

If something is your passion, listen to your heart. If it’s what you love more than anything else, don’t stop doing it for anybody. 

anonymous asked:

I've seen you say a couple times that you don't see or that you're disabled. Do you mind talking about it? I ask because I am an aspiring writer and it is really hard for me. I wanted to know how you managed or what it was like?

I don’t mind talking about it. It’s something that made me who I am.

When I was about 12, my health sort of started to eat itself. I suddenly had a ton of allergies, and there were days I couldn’t get out of bed. I got sick all the time. In freshman year of high school, I suddenly couldn’t see. For a long time a thing had been going on in my eyes, but I guess I didn’t think it was abnormal until it made it impossible for me to see. Basically this hole was kind of growing in my eyes, but it was more like a rainbow.

When I started having trouble with colors and detail vision, my mom freaked out a bit, because at the time, I was an award winning artist who had ideas of going to college for art. Then I started tripping over things, hitting my head, having trouble with depth perception. Then I got sick, and I mean sick.

I spent about 23 hours a day in bed. I had almost constant migraines. I had pain in my entire body. My skin turned yellow. I went to every kind of doctor you can think of and was tested for everything there is. One day, I had about 12 vials of blood drawn. No one knew what was wrong. The eyes weren’t that big a deal at first, because it seemed like I might have something really serious. The first couple of eye doctors I went to kind of looked at me and said “Oh it’s nothing big.” I actually had one guy tell me that my brain was just shutting off my eyes because I wasn’t using them properly. Yeah.

Then finally, my mom took me to a friend of our family who happened to be an eye surgeon. She did a free exam. I’ll never forget it because it was the first time anyone believed me. I’d been told by doctor after doctor that there was nothing wrong with me. I’d been referred to therapists, told I needed depression meds, told I was just going through a phase or needed attention. Then this doctor put on her head gear, looked into my eyes…took off the head gear…got new head gear…looked into my eyes…took off the headgear…got hand held tools…looked into my eyes…and then stared at me with her mouth hanging open.

“I can’t see the back of your eye,” she said. And suddenly the world simultaneously healed itself and flipped upside-fucking-down for me.

Then it was all about my eyes, the one symptom we could see happening. The one that was the most dangerous. But by then it was too late.

What happened is pretty simple: I apparently have some weird recessive DNA. It triggers certain bizarre immune issues at puberty. My immune system decided to attack my body. The eyes are a delicately balanced system. They show symptoms first. My immune system attacked them with a vengeance. They swelled up like balloons. Normal eye pressure is about 14-17. Mine was at a 22 at its best. It put a tremendous amount of pressure on my Retina, specifically my macula, cutting off blood flow like when you sit on your foot. You know those little shadowy things that float across your eyes? They’re called protein floaters. My eyes had produced so many of those that the doctor could not see through them. It was a fog.

They had to find a way to map my eye, to track the damage. Cue the eye exam from hell. I have always been, even before my autoimmune disorder, deathly allergic to melon. Any kind of melon. But now I was allergic to all sorts of shit, fruits vegetables, all kinds of crap. My dad is allergic to contrast dyes. So when the retinologist suggested this dye-based eye exam that is kind of like a CAT scan, my mom said “no”. See, they inject you with this dye and then they flash this weird light in your eyes. It causes the dye to glow, and then they can see the things through the fog. My mom told them I was too sensitive to stuff for that to be safe. The doc assured her they’d put a butterfly in my arm, meaning the vein would be kept open, and a syringe of benedryl was set on the counter. They’d never had anyone react, and they needed the pictures or there was nowhere to go from there.

So they put this dye into me, and it was like I’d been injected with fire, but there was no way around it, and to me, I knew they only had about 90 seconds to get the images they needed. So I sucked it up. finally the burning began to spread. Suddenly my back felt like I was being stabbed, and I suddenly couldn’t speak. I tapped my hands on my mom, then began sneezing spontaneously. My mom lifted my shirt, and I had quarter-sized hives. The nurse said “Stop sneezing on the camera”. Yeah.

My mom went ballistic. The doctor flew up the stairs and gave me the emergency meds. I slid into a dissociation state and nearly out of my chair. They had to prop me against the camera for the next couple minutes and reinject the dye. No other way, you see.

They did this test every few months for a few years.

But then there was treatment. Not much they could do, except try to get the swelling under control. Only way to do that was corticosteroid injections in the eye. Yup. A needle in the eye. No, they don’t knock you out. They numb the surface of the eye with the same numbing drops they give you for the exams and then they come at you with a needle, tell you to look down and to hold still. And you fucking do.

I was 15 when that started.

I went to experimental clinics, labs, and joined studies. I dropped out of those. Why? It’s pretty simple. The first day I came to the exams, I was kept waiting for over two hours. I was taken into a room. I was left there. No information, no talking. Suddenly a man came in followed by a group of people, all in lab coats. He started moving me around like I was a doll and talking like, “The patient presents with…the patient this, the patient that…”

I shoved him back and said, “The patient’s name is Kristina, and she is 16.”

He finished his exam, and when he left, after the students had gone, he took two Q-tips, dipped them in that pink shit your dentist uses to swab your gums before an injection, and SHOVED them under my eyelids with a cocky smirk.

The patient will never be an snotty little bitch again, I guess.

So yeah. Fuck those guys. They gave me two injections in one day, which no one had ever done before, because it was almost impossible to function with two pimple-like bubbles on your eyeballs.

Still my health was bad. Then all of a sudden, when my mom had given up, It just wasn’t anymore. Suddenly, I was fine, and all that was left were the eyes. I went back to school, except now I was blind.

In a few months, I’d lost about 80% of my perfect vision. I was photophobic. I got horrible and constant headaches. I walked with a cane. And not a single fucking teacher believed me, except my civics teacher, who had gone blind at a young age due to some other weird eye disorder, and my physics teacher who was deaf. I had teachers send me to the office for wearing my sunglasses (with a note on file). I had teachers get on my case about having an audio recorder and CD player for my books. I had teachers call me names, make fun of me, make me leave class to photocopy their notes larger, so that I missed the lecture the notes were on. I had teachers take my medications which had to be in my possession because of their time-sensitive nature and constant administration and hide them in their desks as punishment for asking questions or demanding help. I had classmates pick on me, but luckily, I was well-liked, and I was an officer in the ROTC. I even excelled there in spite of my vision, because my Captain believed in my leadership skills.

I always tell this story because I think it is funny. We had this special boot camp we got to go to if we were in the upper ranks of the ROTC. If you joined the military after high school (which I could never do) you got a higher paygrade for having gone through it. Almost like taking a couple JC classes in the military. It was grueling and all physical fitness, obstacle courses, PT, classes, guard duty…fucking blah. Our unit was allowed six participants. I sort of figured that it wasn’t really fair for me to go, even with my high rank (a company XO). To my complete fucking shock, my Captain recommended me to go, cutting out a classmate (and ex) of mine who was higher in rank. The boy went ape-shit. He went on and on about how unfair it was. He even went to the school board. My Captain made his reasons clear; he told them that the academy isn’t about military sponsorship. It’s about skills and quality. He didn’t care if I had a disability. In his eyes I had more innate ability than anyone there because I had worked so hard just to be where I was. The boy was angry. I told my Captain I appreciated the gesture, but honestly, we ought to make it fair. I told him that we should train to meet the PT standards, and that if this kid could make his, but i couldn’t make mine, he should go. I made mine. He didn’t. He complained about that too. At the last minute, we were told one extra person could come because another school had lost one. So he came anyway. The whole time he bitched about me being there. When I got there, the real military officers gave me shit like you wouldn’t believe, because they weren’t used to dealing with disabilities or recognizing that they can’t discriminate against high schoolers by law. The commander of the unit tried to dress me down in front of everybody for wearing sunglasses. I was pretty pleased with myself for telling him off but still sounding respectful. He kept saying “Take off my glasses”. I told him they weren’t his. They were mine, by law, and that if he had a problem with that, he could consult my attorney, the DOJ, and the doctor who prescribed them. He tried to fuck with me. I didn’t say anything except to ask him if he wanted me to have a migraine, because that’s what taking the glasses off means. He was so confused by me he walked away and called my Captain over. There were words. After that, he came up to me once or twice, almost like a test, to ask me if I needed him to slow down or if I was getting around alright. He wasn’t being nice. He was egging me in a condescending tone and with very bullying language. He’s a drill instructor, and you know what, that’s his job. I told him I was fine. But I made a decision: I wasn’t just going to make the female PT marks. I was going to test out of this fucking place at the male PT marks. And I fucking did. That boy…had an asthma attack on the track (I had asthma too, but I worked my ass off while he coasted on his “boyness”) and failed. At the certificate ceremony, the commander came up to me and said I had really impressed him, and that it was a shame I couldn’t enter the Navy. I thanked him, but what I wanted to say was, “Go fuck yourself and take the NAVY with you”. I ended up the Battalion XO Senior year. This would have given me a guaranteed spot in Westpoint if I could have taken it. My Captain cried when he told me he was sorry he had to give it to one of our Company XO’s. I told him that it was best for everyone, because I am not the type of person to enjoy taking orders. I had learned that about myself.

He laughed.

Around Junior year I got people to pay attention. My doctors got the DOJ and the Social Security people involved. A woman came to my school and enforced compliance in a tone of voice I’d never heard anyone but my mother use. She threatened to rain brimstone down on them if they didn’t give me what I needed, and things changed.

My parents wanted me to take a full scholarship to a local school, but I wanted to get away. So I did. I wanted to travel abroad, so i did. And when I was 19, they perfected one of the surgeries they had been working on the entire time I’d been struggling with this.

See, the injections had brought and kept the swelling down, but that meant that the fog was still there (since ocular fluid doesn’t replace), and the structures in the eye had been stretched all to shit, and were laying in my eye like melted plastic wrap. The old surgery was like a blind man hacking with a machete, but the new surgery used fluorescent dyes to track movement. Dyes that wouldn’t kill me. The old surgery had a 50-50 shot at complete loss of vision and made you lay on your face for three weeks. The new was fool proof and took 45 minutes. So, I got one eye done. They swapped out all the fluid and replaced it with saline. They peeled the distorted membrane off the macula. They stitched up my eyeball and gave me a sick metal eye patch. Looked like a fucking space pirate. It was rad.

But the blind spot is still there. The cataracts caused by the steroids are still there. The scars are there.

A few years later I had the other one done too.

My college was great. It took a lot of work getting all my reading done, about 500 pages minimum, per week, done via audio. I used to spend hours at the pool table in our residence hall, listening to my books and practicing. I got pret damn good too, at pool. It was difficult taking notes or working with a note taker. It was scary traveling by myself. It was hard to get people to understand there wasn’t anything WRONG with me. Just that my eyes don’t work even though it seems like I’m normal and fine, and like they should. People always think to be legally blind you have to be completely blind, and they think you’re not going to be able to defend yourself. I’ve been targeted by pickpockets. I’ve been followed by scary dudes. I’ve been treated like shit, laughed at, and accused by full grown adults of faking to get privileges, all because I can look at the place where their head should be and smile at the blank spot there. All because I can walk down a flight of stairs with a few neat tricks I know that have nothing to do with a cane.

But shit…you probably didn’t mean to ask for my life story. I’m going to get back to the point. My writing. What has it done for that? Like how can you be a writer if you can’t fucking see? Technology. It’s been amazing. I can use a computer same as anyone. The Kindle has been a fucking revolution for me because for the first time in a decade and a half I could read without pain and suffering. Just…all the things it does have made life so much easier than it used to be. It got me out of bad relationships with people who used my disability as a control. It gave me a little bit of confidence back. It helped me know I could handle myself.

And really, I think my vision loss had a lot to do with my writing. In some ways it gives me different perspective, sure, but it’s more than that. I was undeclared when I entered college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I thought about history or sociology. My mom had a degree in that and she was an English teacher. I wanted art history, but what the fuck was the point in that? Couldn’t see a damn thing. And then I had a class in poetry, and shit…That made sense. I’d always loved language and writing. Always been okay at it. Dorte stuff but never thought about doing it for a living. But then it was like yeah…yeah I’m gonna fucking do that. Just like when I decided to meet the male PT standards.

If it is in you. If you love it. If it defines you and possesses you, it does not matter how fucked up you are. You will find a way. You don’t have a choice. You are that thing. And you’ll adapt. You just have to let yourself. You have to keep pushing. You have to learn how to handle frustration. you have to train yourself into stamina. You just keep going. I’m nowhere near as successful as I want to be. I’m still going. I hope I get even better. I hope I can say things that make truth more obvious, or that help people put words to things they have always wanted to say.

I don’t need my eyes to be a fucking firestorm. That’s just me. Eyes don’t mean shit.

So keep going. Keep doing whatever you need to. Do it better and better. Bend yourself around it. People who see you struggle will think they’re lucky, but you and I know the truth: they’re not even close to the kind of strong you are. Not even a little bit.

standardfujoshi  asked:

The other way around: do you think Bum loves Sangwoo ( even after finding out that he's a serial killer) or is it just that "at least it's better than with my uncle" kinda fucked up thing?

I’m tempted to just link to @getmetherapyplease‘s posts on this topic, because he explains it far better than I could, but I will answer as best I can. 

The simple answer is the same. Bum definitely loves Sangwoo in the sense that Bum experiences love, which is very different from the way most people experience it. 

Once Bum gets attached to somebody, being without that person feels like dying. Look what he says about being seperated from that girl in high school.

Bum apparently stalked this girl, to the point where she went to the police. He attempted suicide over her. And Bum felt almost this strongly about Sangwoo even before “moving in” with him. Imagine how he feels now that his life has revolved around Sangwoo for several months (I think he was taken prisoner sometime in spring, and it’s currently sometime in fall.)  

Bum, like Sangwoo, was probably born mentally ill. And he has never, in his whole life, had anyone who genuinely loved him and valued him. It’s possible his grandmother did (the English translation says “grandparents,” but the original just says “grandmother.”) It’s difficult to say. He was only with her briefly, and he never talks like he misses her. She may not have been good to him, or he may not have been with her long enough to form a strong bond. After that he lived with an uncle who sexually abused him and doesn’t seem to care if he lives or dies. Certainly he never came looking for him. 

Now, objectively speaking, Sangwoo is worse than Bum’s uncle. He has tortured Bum, mutilated him, nearly killed him, continues to physically, sexually, and psychologically abuse him, and always will. And, oh yeah, he’s a serial killer, who has forced Bum to commit murder (Bum had no meaningful choice in that situation, do not argue with me about this.) 

But he also loves Bum. He values him. Bum is special to him. He wants to be with Bum forever. Bum has never had that. He has never believed he could have that. That kind of love is worth taking an occasional beating for. Or committing the occasional murder for. To make an overly simplistic estimation, his life used to be 100% shit. Now it’s 50% shit and 50% love, care and validation.


Yoo Youngjae’s Birthday Countdown - Day 3

C is for Confidence

john laurens. knows swear words in like ten different languages. freckles. his entire face lights up when he laughs. always talking, no matter who’s in the room. the mastermind behind all pranks; he finds loopholes and makes plans, then smooth-talks them all out of trouble. only drinks three things; water, orange juice and sam adams beer. constantly cold despite his multiple layers of clothing. insomniac. really likes showers. gentle, kind, compassionate; but also, devious, snarky, stubborn. science connoisseur. loves taking pictures of the hamilsquad doing simple things. flirts with everyone and everything when he’s drunk. so, so grateful for his best friends. always playing old music on his record-player in the dorm. perfectly okay with being unnoticed, as long as he still has his friends at his side. gets bored easily when watching movies, unless it’s star wars or harry potter. curls around the closest pillow or person when he’s asleep. couldn’t care less if his shirt is buttoned or if his tie is straight, and never bothers to retie his shoelaces. always gives meaningful, personal gifts. has a sense of domesticity about him; he can make a foreign room seem like home. too preoccupied to tidy up after himself, so the area around his bed is always cluttered and disorganized. when he gets an idea or is brainstorming, his mind moves a million miles an hour and its impossible to stop him. the most articulate of the group; he could make the simplest sentence sound like poetry. really good at drawing, but doesn’t usually do it. loves biology, especially if it’s marine biology. can’t even bother with physics, though. content in silence, but he finds it strange when he can’t hear his best friends arguing over something in the background. tries to notice every little thing, even if it’s just the way his friend’s eyes look just a little brighter when they laugh.


I would like to see a sort of phantom-of-the-opera themed fic, where Will works for the opera, not as one of the singers, but in the orchestra pit.

Originally posted by janexausten

Originally posted by helloyangmal

(long stream-of-thought summary of the story below)

Keep reading

I Don’t Love You Anymore (pt. 2)

You can find part 1 right here –> I Don’t Love You Anymore Pt. 1


I’m writing this note because I don’t have the balls to say this to your face. The reason I’ve been acting like a douche these past few weeks is because, well, at first, I thought it was just stress but, for awhile now, I haven’t felt anything with you. Each kiss, touch, laugh and word we shared has felt dead to me. I’m sorry y/n, I really am but I just don’t love you anymore. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me.


I read the painful words over and over again, each time praying that this is a sick and twisted drawn out April Fools joke he’s playing on me; maybe Mikey put him up to it. But as the minutes pass, I come to the bitter reality that he meant what he said, he doesn’t love me anymore. Is it really a surprise? I mean, all the signs were there. He stopped our morning and nighty-night cuddles, claimed he was sore from working out so much. No longer gave me his warm and soft pecks before he or I left work, it was always, “I really gotta go” or “Go, y/n your gonna be late.” He completely stopped all intimacy between us, and not just physically but mentally, he didn’t talk anymore, nor did he want to listen. So no, it’s not a surprise but it still hurts like hell. I get out the bed and walk over into the closest grabbing another shirt of his and placing it on his side of the bed as I snuggle up next to it and cry myself to sleep.


Six Weeks Later

I’m in the grocery store humming along to Tim McGraw’s “Shotgun Rider,” while debating if I want salmon or tilapia for dinner when a familiar and comforting voice behind me says, “You’ve always had a beautiful voice, it’s a shame that you never considered putting it to work.” I turn around and none other than Ashton Irwin is standing there giving me his award winning smile walking towards me. “Oh please,” I say dismissing the thought. “I’m serious, y/n, we could’ve used you in our band,” he admits as he gets closer. “Then you’d actually be five seconds of summer,” I joke as he laughs and his smile warms up my day. Gosh, I forgot how perfect he was. He looks good, his hair is cut nice, muscles seeping through his shirt.  “A picture lasts longer babe,” he smirks while finally coming face to face with me. I chuckle softly at his cockiness, “How have you been, Irwin?” I ask sincerely wanting to know how my best friend’s been the past few weeks with the stress of making an album. “Seems like I should be asking you that same question,” he says back and a seriousness falls upon us as I realize what he means. I clear my throat as a shift to the other foot, a little uncomfortable, “I-I’m good. I’ve been fine.” “Really?” he asks not buying it as he senses my whole attitude change. “Yeah I’ve been just focusing on school and wo–

I’m cut off by a sudden warmth that wraps around me and I realize that warmness is coming from Ash. Me and Ashton have always had a great relationship, sometimes I felt he understood me better than Calum, maybe it’s because he’s older. I could always have deep and intellectual conversations with him, something I could never do with Calum. We always understood each other; there were countless long nights of personal thoughts, feelings and blissful moments being shared over Chinese takeout or bowls of ice cream, especially the last weeks before Calum broke up with me.

One Week Before Breakup

“Ash, if I ask you a question, will you be completely honest with me?” I ask as I take a bite of my sesame chicken. “Of course, y/n, you know that. What’s up?” he asks and takes a long swig of his beer. I poke at my chicken, still wondering if I’m a bad girlfriend for even considering this thought, I mean I should trust my boyfriend right? I eat another piece of chicken as I take the beer out his hands and finish it making that my 4th one that night. “Okay, y/n, you only drink this much when we’re celebrating, which we’re not or if somethings really bothering you,” he says pausing the TV. I continue poking at my chicken and Ashton pulls the food off my lap and sets it on the bed side table as he makes me face him. “Y/n, talk to me, love,” he says softly as he lifts my chin forcing me to look in his eyes. “Do you–Is Calum seeing someone else?” I blurt out as tears begin to fill my eyes. The thought of Calum cheating didn’t seem real until I actually said it. “What?!” Ashton gasps, “Why would you think that?”

“Well, we’re growing really distant, ya know? He doesn’t  want to cuddle anymore, doesn’t want kiss or touch me, it takes so much for me just to get him to tell me how his day went, which is only a grumbled out, “fine.” And all that has got me thinking that maybe, there’s someone else,” I admit to him. I can see Ashton getting upset at hearing the way his best friend has been treating me. “I’ll talk him,” is all he says before he reaches his phone. “No! Ash, please don’t. Its only gonna create more problems between us, just stay out if it,” I desperately say as I snatch his phone out his hand. “Well, I’m not gonna let him treat you like shit and let him think its okay,” he snaps back at me reaching for his phone. “Ashton, you can’t talk to him about this!” I scream as I hop off his bed, “Why not Y/N?! What’s the big deal?” he asks. “Tell me Ashton, how would you feel if your girlfriend went talking to Luke, for instance, about problems she’s having with you?” I ask him. “I’d be pissed,” he says immediately. “Exactly,” I say back, “He can’t know I’ve been telling you these things. Especially now, he’s so irritable. Our relationship is at a fragile point and any sort of pressure will crash it,” I admit as I flop back on his bed. His face softens as he whispers, “Sorry, love I know–”

“Is it me?” I interrupt,  “Am I not pretty enough? Is it because I’m always talking about school and the future? Does that scare him? Am I too boring because I’d prefer to stay in than go out and party? Does he not want me?” I ask as the tears fill my eyes again and they freely fall down my face. “Hey, y/n listen to me,” Ashton says softly, “You are a beautiful woman. You are so intelligent, funny and talented. I mean what normal person, double majors in sociology and philosophy while minoring in Spanish and working two jobs, you’re frickin’ superwoman,” he exclaims making me laugh. “And oh my goodness, that gorgeous smile. Y/n you literally walk in a room and it lights up, you make everything brighter. And you know what else?” he asks wiping away the tears from my face. “You have the most beautiful soul. You have a such a great heart y/n, you’re so selfless, my goodness, I love you.” My eyes widen as I feel that he didn’t mean love as in best friends but love as in lovers. We stay like that for a while just staring into each other’s eyes and as each moment passes I realize which love he meant and I realize that maybe I too feel that way. Not once had Calum ever expressed his love for me in the words my best friend just had. “Ash, I-” “Shhh,” he says softly as he brings his hands to the sides of my face. “Ashton, we can’t,” I say bringing my hands to wrap around his “I know. But I can’t stop wondering how different it would all be if I’d seen you first,” he says. “Me too,” I admit. The moment is interrupted when the sound of footsteps snaps us from each other’s trance. We immediately sit on our respective sides of the bed and return to eating our food while watching FRIENDS as Mikey bursts in the room yelling, “I’m bored!”


We never got a chance to talk about that night seeing as I blamed our confessions of love on too much beer. We always get super mushy with another after a few beers, a reason why Calum never wanted me to drink alone with Ash. Then the next week Calum broke up with me via, sloppy written note and I’ve ignored and avoided all connections to him, including Ashton. However, my best friend who still loves me, is holding me and I finally relax in to him and for the first time in a while, I feel comfort, cared for, loved even, simply through his touch. He tightens his grip on me as I wrap my arms around his torso drinking in his scent and embracing the memories that I shared with him. Ashton has always been the only who could completely comfort me, its almost as if he peers into my soul, finds out what’s hurting and says the right things to heal me. I don’t know how long its been as we stand there enjoying one another presence, I mean I haven’t talked to him in six weeks, despite his constant tries. I sigh as a warming tingly feeling comes over me and I begin to grip on him tighter, almost craving him, which freaks me out as I realize that my best friend, who is also my ex-boyfriend’s best friend is making me feel weird things as I pull away. “I umm, I should go,” I say as I get ready to push my cart. “Y/n, wait,” he says as he softly grabs my arm, “Can we go grab a coffee?” he asks desperately with pleading eyes. “I don’t know about that Ash,” I say despite my mind saying yes. “Y/n, come on, it’s been six weeks. I miss my best friend,” he says. “You still have Mikey, Luke and uhm, Calum” I say looking down. “Yeah, but there’s someone special still missing,” he says as he lifts my chin up to look at him. “Ashton! What’s taking you so…bloody…long…” a voice that I never thought, nor wanted to hear again says. I watch with big eyes as the guy who tore my heart apart comes in to view. “H-hi y/n,” he says.

A/N: Hey beautifuls! I know I promised it would be posted Friday but it’s 11:39pm on the west coast :p and I live in the midwest so, I use both time zones interchangeably  /.\ Anyways, this is part 2, what do yall think? Its okay to message/ask me I promise I don’t bite…hard (was that too corny/played out?) Forreal tho, talk to me! 😊

I Don’t Love You Anymore Pt. 3

anonymous asked:

what would you recommend to someone starting astral travelling and spirit work as far as maintaining self confidence and expelling self doubt? I've been practising and using discernment techniques but still feel like Im not cut out for this or that Im making things up, even when I had an experienced practitioner confirm one of my spirit guides. Tips? Pep talk? please?

Hello, Anon! <3 I feel for you. This stuff is overwhelming and it’s easy to get discouraged. Many years down the path, you can still find yourself stumbling over doubts you thought you’d put to bed. It’s natural. It’s good, even. Doubt doesn’t have to be our enemy. BUT it doesn’t have to be our best friend, either.

On that note, here is a short list of posts by myself and others that you might find helpful for putting doubt in its place (I dredged up all I could find in my archives that seemed remotely applicable):

Personally, one thing I like to do when I feel doubt edging up on me is just be completely honest about that with both my gods and my spirit companions alike. I tell them straight up, “Look, this is hard. I’m sorry to ask over and over again, but if you could send me a sign or set me up with a moment of validation that I can’t just reason away, I’d really appreciate it.” Be patient. They won’t always answer right away or in the way you expected, but they will answer.

This is a huge topic and I could go on and on. Regrettably, I do struggle with chronic wrist tendinitis and I’ve done a number on my wrists recently, so I’m going to have to cap my advice this time. But I really want to make sure you get all the advice, guidance, and support you need, so how about I link a few blogs (off the top of my head) that have some good, helpful stuff in their archives on these topics? @spiritvexer @duskenpath @urbanspellcraft @spiritconnect @thiscrookedcrown

I hope that helps! Good luck, Anon! <3

@divinexremembrance !!!! Oh definitely! Anyone can be a witch! There’s no initiation or anything!

For starters you could make a side blog for just witchcraft so you can have better organization of spells and potions and the like! Some witches do this as a sort of online book of spells!

First and foremost thing to know is that this is going to be your craft and you do whatever feels right to you. So say if chanting a spell works better then making a spell jar then go for it!

Another is looking up witchcraft books and basicly research what you wanna do. For some they work with only herbs and all while others are pop culture/tech witches! (There’s a load of types of witches but you don’t have to have a label if you don’t want to)

Also the witchcraft community is very open and accepting in general so if you ever need help you can ask. (But there are, as in all communities, some rude people that might try to force their ideals on you or such. I say to just ignore them ok?)

I have a few blog you could follow if you like!

Its also easy to look in the tags to find certain blogs that relate to what you want to practice like if you want tarot/pendulum/general divination you search for those and find blogs you like.

I for one an trying to learn all I can that I could but I mostly specialize in sigils, spirit work, and slight divination!

And I believe that’s all I could currently think of that you can do. (Just ask me or anyone else if you got any questions that I might have missed) also be mindful of certain things being off-limits like most native practices and terms and general appropriative things too!

anonymous asked:

Hi. Sorry to bother. I was looking for a fic where Dan goes to buy milk(?) and got in a accident. Then he stays in coma for a while and everybody thinks he is not gonna make it? Then he wakes up but struggles to do simple things. I look through all the tags I thought this could be in and I couldn't find it. Sorry if it's vouge. Thank you for your help

Losing Everything and Falling in Love - After arguing between who should go buy milk, Dan finally gives in and heads out. It’s not until after 40 minutes that he’s out, that Phil receives a call from the hospital saying his best friend is in a coma. Phil has to go through the struggle of possibly losing his best friend and then helping him recover as he falls desperately in love.



my favorite fic [25/?]

Time will tell, I suppose, or at least, these pages will. by lets_get_messi (@doncasterlyrock); 5k, read on ao3

Summary: Harry has a diary and he’s been writing about the pen-pal he’s never met in there since he’s been 12 years old. One day he reads his diary out to a room full of strangers and finds that the man with the blue-eyes at the back of the room is a slight distraction.

(Or Harry goes to a public diary reading thing at his local coffee shop and gets more than he bargained for)

The Accidental Kiss part 2
  • <p> <b></b> Riley is back at her locker. Maya finds her.<p/><b>Maya:</b> Riley Matthews, what are you doing?<p/><b>Riley:</b> Isn't it obvious? I'm putting my books away.<p/><b>Maya:</b> I meant with Farkle. He's one of your best friends and you won't talk to each other.<p/><b>Riley:</b> About that. I have a plan. I'm going to act like an adult.<p/><b>Maya:</b> You're going to talk to him?<p/><b>Riley:</b> No. I'm going to ignore my problems until it goes away.<p/><b>Maya:</b> (rolls her eyes) That's mature.<p/><b>Riley:</b> I know. Oh, you were being sarcastic, weren't you?<p/><b>Maya:</b> You need to talk to him.<p/><b>Riley:</b> I can't.<p/><b>Maya:</b> Why not?<p/><b>Riley:</b> Because.<p/><b>Maya:</b> I need more.<p/><b></b> Riley looks around to see if anybody else is in the hallway.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Because I have feelings for Farkle and I'm afraid he won't feel the same.<p/><b>Maya:</b> That's it?<p/><b>Riley:</b> What do you mean "that's it"?<p/><b>Maya:</b> Have you seen the way that Farkle looks at you?<p/><b>Riley:</b> No. How does he look at me?<p/><b>Maya:</b> The same way that Matthews looks at mashed potatoes.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Really?<p/><b>Maya:</b> He looks at you like you're his whole universe. Farkle would do anything for you. He even kept Pluto a planet in his room for you.<p/><b>Riley:</b> But why hasn't Farkle wanted to talk to me about the kiss?<p/><b>Maya:</b> He's insecure. He's going through the same thing you are. He probably doesn't think you have feelings for him.<p/><b>Riley:</b> I don't know what to say to him.<p/><b>Maya:</b> Say how you feel.<p/><b>Riley:</b> After school.<p/><b>Maya:</b> No. Now! You will find another excuse if you wait.<p/><b>Riley:</b> You can't make me.<p/><b>Maya:</b> (Smiles) Can't I?<p/><b></b> Riley's face turns pale.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Maya, don't.<p/><b></b> Maya raises her hand.<p/><b>Maya:</b> Ring Power! Now you have to.<p/><b>Riley:</b> One day, I'll get you back for this.<p/><b>Maya:</b> No you won't. Let's find Farkle and the boys.<p/><b></b> They start walking down the hallway when they see Lucas and Zay standing outside the Janitor's closet.<p/><b>Maya:</b> Um, where's Farkle?<p/><b>Zay:</b> He wouldn't talk so we did the next best thing.<p/><b>Maya:</b> And that would be....<p/><b>Lucas:</b> We locked him in this closet.<p/><b>Maya:</b> How is that the next best thing?<p/><b>Zay:</b> It's the only thing we could come up with at the time.<p/><b>Maya:</b> This is my fault.<p/><b>Riley:</b> How?<p/><b>Maya:</b> I trusted these two bozos.<p/><b>Lucas and Zay:</b> Hey!<p/><b>Maya:</b> Riley, go in there and talk to Farkle.<p/><b>Riley:</b> I can't. I don't like small spaces.<p/><b>Maya:</b> Remember you can't break the rules of ring power or there'll be consequences.<p/><b>Lucas:</b> What will happen?<p/><b>Maya:</b> You really want to find out Huckleberry?<p/><b></b> Lucas moves back.<p/><b>Lucas:</b> No.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Fine. I'll go in.<p/><b></b> Riley unlocks the door and walks in. Riley see Farkle and smiles.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Hi.<p/><b>Farkle:</b> Hi.<p/><b></b> Riley closes the door. They stare at each other.<p/><b>Farkle:</b> I don't know what to say.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Neither do I.<p/><b></b> Outside the closet.<p/><b>Zay:</b> So, what do you think they're talking about?<p/><b></b> Lucas and Maya glare at him.<p/><b></b> Janitor's closet.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Farkle, why can't we talk to each other anymore? We never had a problem before.<p/><b>Farkle:</b> I don't know. I guess the kiss change everything.<p/><b>Riley:</b> But why? Why should we let it affect us?<p/><b>Farkle:</b> We shouldn't.<p/><b>Riley:</b> Good, because I really need to talk to my best friend.<p/><b></b> Farkle smiles.<p/><b>Farkle:</b> What do you want to talk about?<p/><b>Riley:</b> The kiss.<p/><b>Farkle:</b> Oh.<p/><b></b> To be continued...<p/></p>

i worry so much about whether i’m making the right life decisions, long term. is the way that i’m managing my chronic illness the best way? am i not pushing myself enough? could i have done more? is my treatment optimal?

I guess the answer is: does it really matter that i pick the most optimal path if i find a good life and i’m happy along the way? does it even make sense to compare outcomes this way? It’s not like there is a numerical way to measure how good a life is. 

And, crucially, it’s not as set in stone as I worry. if my decisions start looking bad, i can make changes at any point. if i start feeling suffocated i can do more. if i find better treatments, i can switch. hell, i can go back to school at any time if i feel i’m able to whether that’s at 25 or 35. i’ve been in terrible places & clawed myself back before, built everything from scratch. even if things go horribly wrong, i know i can recover. and if not & i am mostly happy along the way will i really care looking back if i missed a few opportunities? I don’t think so.

it’s not possible to live perfectly. but it is possible to find a life i can be happy with, and to adapt as things change. and that is what i will strive for

Best friend headcanons


🔩 The most caring friend of all

🔩 He will teach you how to deal with problems

🔩 Anger problems? How about we go meditating outside?Mental health problems? Do you want to talk about it? No? Its okay lets just sit queitly next to each other.

🔩Seriously he is 24 hours a day right here to support you.

🔩Loves to make flower crowns with you and braid your hair. Sometimes he pulls your hair a bit too hard but its not his fault. Remember he is still an omnic which means he doesnt have exact sense of touch.

🔩 Zenyatta will gladly listen to you talking about your intrests, problems what bothers you or who you have a crush. It makes him happy to see you bright over those topic but if there is topic that makes you sad he will cheer you up. You know with what? Zenyatta can J U G G L E and its a most beautiful sight in whole universe to see him do that. ( He will juggle only for close ones to him).

🔩 Likely hanging out with Zen would lead to you sooner or latter meeting Genji. There are two options:
1. You dislike Genji and he is lowkey jealous over Zen.
2. You three become certificated nerd squad™.

🔩 You both often visit a close up library. Chatting about your book`s crush is your new thing to do. In my opinion Zen is a bookworm. He loves what stories can a paper held, plus paper looks like soft texture, although he cant really feel it he adores it.

🔩 Otherwise bonding with him is chill. It helps you relax.
You both once came to ice cream spot to get frozen sweet. Even tho he cant consume anything he still purchased it. You know why? Because of course your clumsy hands dropped yours. ,, Oh dont worry friend. You can have mine!“.


🐸 This little frog boi will definietly go with you skating! Never went skating before? Then get ready for turbo teacher Lucio comming right at you!

🐸 You both use to lay on bed on lazy sundays and gossip like teenage girls. There is always Lucio’s new song playing in background.

🐸 Heck yeah best sleepovers ever. Lucio loves any event that gathers his friend together but sleepovers hold a special place in his heart. I do imagine you have a sleepover with him, hana, lena, jamison and zen ( after all he is still only 20. Let him hang out with young crew.) or a sleepover with you and him. Ya know Besties and all.

🐸 You know what being friends with him means? Thats right. Concerts. Concerts. Concerts! ( plus after parties and tours ). He adores when you come to his concert and support him. ,,Y/N you are the best pal I could have ever have you know?“

🐸 When you feel down and you are gonna cry. Who you gonna call? F R O G B O I. But for real now if he ever finds you laying in bed crying and pretending its okay he will dash out of room and come back with a box of ice cream ( with your favorite flavor! ) . Lucio will definietly go get you a blanket so you can be a small sad torilla. He will try to pull out some jokes to cheer you up. You can be sure about one thing. He wont leave your side until you feel better.

🐸 Did somebody say Hugs? I do believe he loves to give other hugs. His hugs are the best tho. They arent too tight. They are just perfect. Want to know how he does them? He puts all of his heart into it.

🐸  A lot of Lucio’s fans start to recognize you so they immediately  go straight forward to you for an autograph or just to take selfie with you.

🐰 You both play together nor is it multiplayer game or you just challenge each other in mario kart.

🐰 Be ready for sleepless nights filled with doritos, mountain dew and videogames.

🐰 To be honest I think Hana prefers to spend time with you outside. Why? Her stream once lasts 48 hours. Sometimes she just want to take a break out of it. She LOVES to go shopping with you. Its cool to walk around galleries and buy some useless crap. ,, Have you seen that pendant? I NEED it.”.

🐰 When you both chill your favorite thing to do is matchmaking other people together or just secretly ship them ( and fangirl over ). ,, Hmm do you think cowboy and tiddy man go well together? Because I know I do!”.

🐰 You often apear on’s streams now or then. Her fans love you both being besties ( best gremlins ) and all. She did a lot of challenges with you on her channel like ,, My bff makes my makeup” etc.

🐰 Sometimes you and her makes a B.F.F test. Which is asking each other in sudden situation questions like ,,WHAT IS MY FAVORITE COLOR?!” , ,, MY BEST OTP?” , ,, WHATS MY WEIRD BEHAVIOUR?”

🐰 Otherwise you guys love to just order fast food and lay on sofa doing absolutely nothing. Best day ever.

🐰 Feeling sad? Wait right here bro bro what? Did someone make you feel pain? She is going to fite them. But if your feeling really badly she will compliment you and promise that it is going to be better. Dont worry she is here for you.

🐰 Basically you are the coolest kids around.

your friendly little guide on how to masturbate

get comfortable people of the internet with vaginas

this is because its harder for us girls to find help on these types of things and its a little awkward talking amongst others about this

  • i’m serious when i say get comfortable. this is how you will start.
  • maybe you could get comfy in your bed, or lay out on your couch. or even on your floor if thats what you like best.
  • i would suggest you lay out a towel maybe just in case you get a little soaked, you wouldn’t want to get your bedding all wet
  • take off your clothes. you’re looking pretty hot if i do say so myself
  • you can play with your boobs a little, don’t be afraid to touch parts of your body you haven’t already before. see what you like best. you might find this turns you on but don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t
  • so hopefully all of us here know a little of our anatomy but do not get your panties in a twist if you have no idea what you’re doing
  • obviously, we are all different. we don’t all look like this and thats okay. we come in all different shapes and sizes. its good to be different :)
  • oh wow fun fact, most of the pleasure you experience through sex is not via your sexual organs, its all in your nervous system, your brain and how you perceive things
  • okay where were we? so hopefully you’ve read smut or you’ve been looking at naughty pictures so you must be a little wet. its alright to go check. that’s right. run a finger along your entrance (aka vagina opening). take one hand and spread your inner labia/inner lips to get better access. it might not feel good doing this but we are just checking to see what’s going on down under
  • you should probably also keep some tissues nearby..
  • okay now if you keep running your hand up your slit towards the front of your body, you’ll run into a little snag. right where the lips start, there will be a little hard ball (idk how to describe it).
  • if you touch it, it might be really sensitive, its filled with a bunch of nerve endings so it might hurt a little. sometimes people like to keep their underwear on because this area is extremely sensitive to touch.
  • usually there is a little ‘hood’ of skin covering this bud but i think we can start calling this a clit now? okay the clit. try pressing down on this and see how that feels.
  • you can rub it in circles or figure eights or draw little shapes on it. try spelling the alphabet while placing pressure on your clit
  • does that feel good?
  • typically stimulating your clit is enough to get off and reach climax. if this is your first time, its okay not to reach climax. this type of thing takes practice. just keep exploring your body and find what feels good to you
  • when you are ready to take this a step further and go deeper, follow these next instructions
  • spread your legs open a little and put your fingers at your vagina opening. you should be nice and wet before starting this process to make things much easier. if not, there are plenty of options for lube that you can buy at your local pharmacy.
  • make sure your nails are cut nice and short or this will hurt
  • slowly ease a finger inside. it might be tight and uncomfortable if you’re a beginner but this is totally normal. 
  • try thrusting your one finger in and out to get used to the motion. to increase pleasure you should rub your clit with your other hand at the same time. or you could play with and massage your boobs.
  • vaginal orgasms also known as g spot orgasms are much harder to reach without other forms of stimulation
  • ok tips on how to reach your g spot…your g spot is located on the anterior wall of your vagina (which is the wall on your front, closest to your belly, not your back). you’re going to use your finger to feel around. it should be a few inches in and its okay if you can’t reach it, it doesn’t mean its not there. it should be a little rough patch. if you keep hitting a hard spot, its probably just your pubic bone, your g spot is a little above that. 
  • it is much easier to find your g spot when you are stimulated. 
  • i get a ton of questions on how to squirt. everyone is capable of squirting but not everyone can squirt on command. continue reading if you would like some tips on how to squirt… 
  • it is important to edge yourself. get really turned on and stimulated. edging involves putting off your orgasm as long as possible. you’re going to masturbate until you can’t take it anymore. once you’ve reached this point and you feel like you really need to release, place a finger (or a few) inside your hole and apply a lot of pressure on your g spot.
  • if it feels like you have to pee, just relax and let it all out
  • oh and for all of you wondering what an orgasm feels like, it feels really good. its hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it before

feel free to ask me anything else and i will try to answer as best i can with the knowledge i have but please note that i am not a sex expert or health expert

Daredevil preference: you go missing

Matt: It had been two days since he had last seen you at Josie’s, but he had no idea where you could’ve been. Did someone know he was Daredevil and come after you to get to him? Or were you hurt, laying up in a hospital somewhere? The possibilities overwhelmed him. To his relief, there’s a Jane doe matching your description at Metro General. It turned out you had fallen, hit your head, and had been unconscious for a day. He feels like it was his fault because if he’d walked you home, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. When you wake up, he’s there holding your hand, and first thing he says to you is “I’m sorry”.

Wesley: You two had had a fight so he wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t heard from you, but when he stopped by your apartment to no answer he became concerned. He opened your door to find your apartment a mess and he instantly knew the Russians had something to do with it. For once in his life, he asks Fisk for a favor; get you back no matter the cost. On the exterior he appears cool and confident knowing that Fisk will get you back home safe. On the inside, he has to face his fears wondering what life would be like without you. When you are freed, he does his best to make sure you know you’re loved and safe.

Vladimir: He’d go ballistic and order all his men to go out looking for you wherever they could. He’d be breaking shit just to get his frustration out. When they finally find you, Vladimir would never let you out of his sight again. He’d always have a set of men outside your door to protect you when he wasn’t there and he’d teach you how to fight.

Frank: Frank would be devastated. He would be so scared you had been hurt by your captors he could barely function. The only thing that’s clear to him is that he needs to hurt the people who hurt you. When he finds where they’re holding you he kills every last man in the joint. By the time he comes to untie you he’s covered in blood and nearly having an anxiety attack. “Oh, fuck, I thought I lost you too,” he’d cry before taking you into his arms.

Not leaving now (Cal Request)

“Yes it is a big deal Cal!” You retort loudly, “Its a fucking great deal!”
“(Y/n) come on, let me talk” He sighs, dragging a hand through his hair yet again.
“You kissed another woman!” You exclaim, “So go on then, explain that to me”
You fold your arms and wait for his response. Saying the words aloud made a disgusting sick feeling boil in your stomach. Your boyfriend was kissing another girl. Though he was drunk, out of his mind, it killed you. And after the events of you not coming home last night, he knew something was wrong. So here you were, in the midst of your biggest argument yet.
“Who was she?” You question quietly, the hurt tugging each word from your lips.
“Just some girl, she came over to us in the club with her friends” He shrugs, “She meant nothing”
“What was her name?” You ask, jutting your bottom lip out to stop yourself from getting emotional.
“I dont-” He starts, “Like I said, she meant nothing to me. It was just a drunken mistake” He nods, hopefully.
“You know, you keep saying that she meant nothing” you point out, “But she still meant enough to you to completely jeopardize everything we’ve had for the past two years” You state harshly and see him wince at your words.
“Don’t say it like that” He shakes his head, standing up to your level, “I’m not letting this be the end of us”
“You lost the right to fucking say that okay?” You snap, “When your lips were on hers, you lost that right”
“(Y/n), I kissed a girl after about a thousand drinks and I can’t even remember anything from that night. Honestly, I can’t even picture myself ever, ever doing that without being off my head drunk. But I remember waking up without you beside me and how horribly cold the bed felt. I remember how panicked I was when the guys said you hadn’t come home. How as soon as I saw your face, I felt awful. Not because I remembered anything but because I was terrified that there was something that had happened to make you that hurt. I could see it in your eyes and I hated the thought of someone ever making you that upset and then-“
You cut him off now, “I just-” you stop as a tear slips from your eye, “I really can’t be around you now” You nod.
“Babe-” He starts.
You simply shake your head and grab your bag to leave.
“(Y/n) you two aren’t leaving things like this are you?” Harry sighs, evidently being woken up as soon as the argument began.
“I’m sorry Harry, you can talk to Cal about the reasons for that” You mutter, quickly walking past and leaving the flat as soon as your legs would carry you away.
~~~Time Skip~~~
You had spent the entire day away from the flat today. You needed to clear your mind, take some time to yourself. Though, as darkness fell over London, you knew you had clothes to at least get from the apartment before you planned to stay with Ethan instead for the night.
“Jesus Christ do you not turn on your phone?!” Lux exclaims as you walk in the door and he instantly wraps his arms around you.
“Sorry, I just needed a bit of time” You sigh.
“What’s gonna happen with you two?” He asks, dragging a hand over his hair with evident relief to see you safe.
“I don’t know Cal” You shrug, “It’s just every time I look at him, I see her. I see his lips on hers and his hands on her wais-” You stop, “It’s just, its gonna take a lot”
“No. Its just gonna take time okay?” He nods, “There’s no way in hell you two could ever find anyone as perfect as each other. We look at you, and we see you together, and it just fits you know? Nothing changes that”
“That’s what I thought until last night” you purse your lips, “Thanks for everything Cal”
“Why are you saying this like a goodbye? You’re still living here, we’re still gonna be friends” He frowns. Lux was the type of person that hated the thought of things changing in the group. And the thought of two of his best friends splitting up was something he certainly didn’t want to fathom.
“I meant, just thank you” You sigh, “I’m just gonna grab some clothes”
You head towards your room where the door is closed. You know Cal is on the other side and you know that there’s a sound you didn’t want to hear. He was crying.
“Cal” the word escapes your lips as soon as you push the door open.
“I don’t want to lose you (y/n)” he manages to whisper and the words shoot a dagger to your chest.
You felt awful. You had caused this pain. You’d caused him to cry for the first time since you’d first met him. Here he was sat in your shared bedroom with an empty computer screen, a messy bed and an even messier mind. And you’d imagined if ever in this situation, you’d curl up with him and pizza and Netflix and make him forget all about what made him so emotional.
You swipe a hand over your already filling eyes to stop yourself from falling into the same state as him.
“I can’t lose you” He croaks.
You still can’t respond.
“I thought about what my life would be like without you and it made me feel sick. Because I couldn’t imagine not waking up on a Sunday morning when you don’t have work without you beside me and your hair spread across the pillow and the view of London being our only focus. I couldn’t imagine not going on spontaneous trips with you to the most random places and almost always resorting to Nandos when we got hungry. I couldn’t imagine not calling you my girlfriend. Not having you in my life” He manages to speak, “And if you let me, I’ll spend every single second of the rest of my life making up for last night. And I know its going to be difficult for you to ever forgive me or forget about this but I need you to know that I’ll do everything in my power to prove you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me (y/n) (y/l/n)”
And with a tear falling from your eye, you find yourself staying.

anonymous asked:

I feel like I need to share this because it's awesome-sauce. There is this website called 'radio garden' and you can listen to different radio stations all around the world!! I've been listening to Japanese hip-hop and Kazakhstan easy listening, and a LOT of Mexican JAMS. And Cuban radio stations play a lot of cool stuff!! Highly HIGHLY recommend to everyone, it's the coolest thing I've seen in a long time :)

Radio Garden

me: *randomly playing any Japanese radio station I could find* THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST THING EVER !!!! Especially the Yokohama radio station is LIT!!!