it's on tonight

A nonny prompted wearing each other’s clothes and this is a random thing I would like from this break up hell spiral we’re in…

Keating & Co., minus Connor, are assembled at the clinic. 

The students are all debating the case and strategies and Oliver’s sitting nearby. Not quite part of the group—never quite part of the group—but he’s close enough for it not to be uncomfortable. 

He hasn’t been fully updated on the case but he tries to follow along, takes notes, adds the occasional quip when he sees an opening. One of his comments actually makes Wes chuckle. He looks up from his phone to smile at Oliver and it kinda makes Oliver’s morning. Maybe he is part of the group.

A round of greetings goes up when Connor slips in the door and Oliver busies himself with looking busy. He wakes up his computer and starts typing nonsense into a blank window. He tries not to listen to what is being said around him, really he does. 

He meant when he’d told Connor last week. It doesn’t matter what Connor does with his life so it’s none of Oliver’s business why Connor’s late this morning. But, hearing Connor laugh warmly at something Michaela said, Oliver glances up despite himself and his stomach drops away. 

Connor’s wearing his tie.  

Oliver forces his eyes back on the screen in front of him but can’t see a thing. His throat feels like it’s about to close and the back of his eyes sting dangerously. He tries to focus on breathing, in and out, long and deep. 

It doesn’t matter, he tells himself. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a tie. Yeah, but its mine. 

Connor’d first borrowed it months ago. He’d been running late one morning and digging through his side of the closet, looking for a tie to throw on. 

“Son of a—”

“Here,” Oliver said, holding up the slip of green silk. “Just take one of mine.” 

Connor grinned, quick and deadly. “Thanks, Olls.” He put it around his neck, tying it and flipping down his shirt collar with deft fingers. Smoothing it down, he’d looked up to check in with Oliver, “You think matches my eyes?” 

Oliver shot him a look. “Just go. You’re already late.” 

Connor leaned in. “Not without a kiss,” he’d said, close enough that his warm breath had brushed over Oliver’s lips. “Always time for that.” 

Has Connor really forgotten about that? How can Connor have forgotten that? 

Oliver certainly hasn’t forgotten about that. Oliver remembers that single moment nearly every time he put on a tie, which is also why he’s come to hate wearing ties. 

Did Connor wear that tie on purpose today? Did it mean something? Was he just trying to be hurtful? 

No, Oliver instantly dismisses the thought. Connor isn’t like that, isn’t that cruel. He wouldn’t do something like this out of vengeance or spite. But that meant he’d probably thrown on the tie this morning without thinking and why does that thought hurt more than all the rest? 

Connor hadn’t thought of him when he’d picked up the tie that morning. Connor hadn’t thought of them. Oliver still can’t even look at bacon or pancake mix in the store without thinking of Connor but Connor can just wear Oliver’s clothes without a second thought and—


At the sound of his name, Oliver’s head jerks up with a, “What?” It takes him a second too long to realize everyone is looking at him, all eyes are on him. “I’m sorry…I…I was…” he babbles out. He can’t think of anything to say, can’t breathe. Everyone, even Connor, is looking at him with mild concern and he can’t stand it for one more second. He needs to—

“The security cameras,” Laurel says and Oliver can tell she’s repeating herself but he’s grateful for the lifeline of work she seems to be throwing him. “We were saying we needed to get a hold of the security footage. Check out the guy’s alibi.” 

“Right! Right, right.” Oliver nods. “Yeah, I’ll—security footage. Got it.” He shoots her what he hopes is a reassuring grin but the grin she returns is sympathetic. 

Ignoring it, he turns back to the computer screens and opens a new program, determined to put all thoughts of green silk behind him. 

thanks god it’s Thursday. I’m done work and since I’m taking off all the remaining Fridays in 2016 as vacation, I’m officially on my weekend.

Originally posted by uofoklahoma

…except i need to spend all weekend working on my project for class. 3,000-word short story on topic/characters unspecified, here I come.

Been really stressed recently about apartment hunting bc my lease is up in December and my complex is raising my rent again and everything in Colorado is so fucking expensive ARGHHHHH But! Tonight I found a goooooooooorgeous old house for rent and it’s in my price range and a great area! Hopefully the owner gets back to me tomorrow and I can tour it this weekend and have a place to live in January!!!!


Beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows could be seen as the sun lowered into the horizon. A gentle, cool, breeze made its way through the area, rustling the leaves on the trees and gliding through the quills of a pink hedgehog. She enjoyed the fresh air for a moment, before stepping up a wooden staircase and knocking on a door.

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I love living in a constant struggle with myself 
I wish I just knew certain things, rather than fighting my head that keep telling me that im the most annoying and unlikeable piece of shit still alive

Also my roommates are leaving for their reading weeks so im mostly in an empty house. It’s so quiet and Im starting to feel alone again
I wish my cats were here, its the only thing i miss from home frankly

Rant/Note to self:

Your mental illness does not define you. Your depression may be the clouds covering the sun, but you are the entire sky. The decisions you have made for your health in the past were the right ones for that situation. Don’t regret them. Incorporating the once toxic things back into your life might not be as catastrophic as you’re thinking. People do change, and even if they don’t, their toxicity can’t affect you any more than you allow it to. Your mom let her illness consume her. You don’t know anything about her. You don’t know the person behind those illnesses. Maybe, she isn’t as bad as you think. Reach out to her. Give her a chance. You never know what could happen. Maybe you could give her the push she needs to get the proper treatment. And if it, at least you tried. Tell your dad what happened that night. The phone call from the hospital was short and monitored. You didn’t get to tell him anything. He deserves to know the truth about that night. I know that walking home in the dark, not having anyone to talk to can be really lonely. But stop taking that opportunity to cry. You’re missing out on the pretty city lights and the dogs that always look like they’re smiling and the smell of winter. Go ahead and break down in the shower. Cry yourself to sleep. But please, don’t miss the beauty of the world. You don’t know if you’ll wake up in the morning, enjoy nature as much as you possibly can. Stop being comfortable in your sadness. It’s going to destroy you. Do you want to end up in the emergency room again? Do you want the police to show up at your door again? Do you really want to start from square 1 again? I know it’s hard and difficult and scary and not simple, but please please please, let’s not go there again. Try not to give in to the urges. If you need to hurt yourself if that’s the only thing that will get you through the night, then alright, I’ll forgive you. But don’t do it just because your depression is getting the best of you, or because your mind won’t stop, or because you’re panicking. It won’t make you feel better, trust me. Be honest with the people close to you about what is going on. More often than not, they’ll offer support. If they don’t, and they get mad and frustrated with you, those are not people you need to surround yourself with. Your safety and health comes before someone else’s anger. You deserve the best support system. You deserve to not feel this way, or deal with these illnesses, and it’s really sad that you have to. But you will always come out on top. You have so many people who deeply care about you and love you. Don’t do something permanent and leave them with that on their shoulders. Face it, you need medication. You need therapy. You need help to not feel like this. And that’s okay. But keep in mind that there is no magic medicine. All of them will come with side effects. You just have to find the medication that helps your illnesses the best, and then find a way to deal with or manage the side effects. You’re going to be okay. You’re going get the help you need. But until then, take a deep breath and do what you can. You’re doing better than you think.

PSA/Personal Life Update/I need some advice

First things first: if anyone has any tips on good banks to open student accounts with (especially while I’m job hunting and can really only put $100 max in the account), PLEASE send it my way! 

I am officially putting my foot down and beginning the process of cutting my financial ties with my mother. It will be hard, it will take a lot longer than I would like it too. If I can be in a position where she can’t claim me as a dependent in April, that would be ideal so I could qualify for federal grants to pay for my teacher’s certification, but I’m prepared for that not to happen. 

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things I want to work on right now, in terms of writing projects:

  • the halloween fic
  • the Steve’s-first-Loki-themed-sex-dream fic
  • RTC:CW which finally is inching forward
  • finishing the next chapter of Life in Reverse

things I have time to work on right now, in terms of writing projects:

  • none of the above